There could be no more perfectly fitting words than the ones written above to mark my 35th year of existence. This has been quite the journey to say the least. While some people in my industry hide their age I shout it in gratitude for being blessed with another year to enjoy, decipher, and let go of this beautiful existence called life. Today I intend to celebrate this new beginning in the best of ways in the company of some of the most beautiful souls I have ever crossed paths with. However my story began long before I ever dreamt of tonight. Quite frankly I couldn't of come with today's birthday gift that was solely God and the universe expressing their love for me. Yet again a dream beyond my expectations to mark and celebrate this new beginning.
My story began in Brownsville, Texas in the early morning of November 29, 1976. I was born early so I was tiny. My mom tells me that I fit from her palm to her elbow and that I was all shades of purple. She held me tight and kept rubbing me trying to get my circulation going. She was in a difficult part of her life and while I was the light born of the darkness it was a trying time for her and my father who eventually parted ways. I was told he came to the hospital was displeased that it was another girl and left. I never got to ask him if that was true or not but it's besides the point because what has become very clear to me on this journey of my life is that I am God's child, intended to be here, and I AM LOVED.
There is proof of that all around me. I choose to focus on that. I choose to make today a day not unlike any other of GRATITUDE but also a day of forgiveness, compassion, love, and faith. A day that reminds me how blessed I am to be here. I have birthday wishes I have been keeping between, me and God and the universe so that when they happen I can once again say, "Wowzers I can never truly get over not only the fact that you hear me but the magic that is born of that communication." This morning I woke to a different prayer than I had envisioned and yet I know it is all part of God's plan. Last night I got a call with yet again another loss. Just when I though enough space had been cleared I was asked to let go once more of something. I cried a little with Areli, then we laughed and in the end concluded that what is arriving and entering thru this mass space I have created is extremely magical!
A magic only I can truly comprehend as this has been a journey walked solely by me in my own shoes. A journey of loss and gain, of fear and doubt ultimately giving way to the light and faith. A journey of confusion and clarity ultimately teaching me that without one the other does not exist. It's like my daily word expresses today on my birthday "I may not be able to see around each bend but I know I will be led to the right destination." So with that thought in mind I am claiming my destiny. I am stepping thru the unknown into the magic and claiming all I have worked hard for, to understand I am worthy of and most of all deserve. It's in signs like this birthday poem posted on my facebook wall by my middle school friend Kim that I find confirmation to that which my gut is telling me.
Drum sounds rise on the air, And with them my HEART. A voice inside the beat says, I KNOW YOU ARE TIRED, BUT come. This IS the way! Rumi
I told Kim I would email her about its timing and how it brought tears to my eyes. It was confirming that no matter how hard last night's call was it is THE WAY. Afterall I've met the wizard and defied gravity thanks to that encounter, which brought me the one of the biggest lessons of all, I love myself above all because as she says "If this is LOVE it comes at much too high a cost!"
I was brought down to my knees last October with the call about Neil thinking I had lived all I could take only to encounter more loss as 2011 arrived and learn as she says, "This is far from over. You haven't seen the last of me. They can say that I won't stay around but I'm gonna stand my ground. You're not gonna stop me. You don't know me you don't know who I am. Don't count me out so fast. I've been brought down to my knees. I've been pushed way past the point of breaking but I CAN TAKE IT. THERE WILL BE NO FADE OUT. THIS IS NOT THE END."
It's a new beginning where it is crucial that I continue to pay attention to the signs and follow them to my destiny. To claim what God and the universe have conjured up for me. I may need to get away for a while but trust me it won't be too long before I am back again with something so grand and so beautiful it will blow all of us away. I have a gut instinct of where my God compass is leading me in this new beginning and in the end all I have is gratitude. So for today, all my years, the magic born of them, my amazing friends, my amazing family, timing, faith, courage, strength, love, compassion, doubt, fear, the dark, the light and everything single thing from my fingers that are typing this right now to my legs that give me the ability to let go through dance I AM GRATEFUL! The list is endless and I am looking forward to another thirty-five, God willing more, years of living on this Planet I call home. I am so humbled by your love for me God. I am not sure what you are protecting me from just yet and I know I will live my way into the answer about last night's call but for today I say YOU ARE THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL and I am honored to be your child and grateful for EVERYONE you have thought me worthy of crossing paths with. This one is for you and all your creations. "You've been so kind and generous, I don't know how you keep on giving. For your kindness I am in debt to you. For your selflessness my ADMIRATION. For everything you've done you know I'm bound to thank you!"
One last thing. I wish I may I wish I might. It's in my heart being held tight. But you already know. ;-) HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! I AM LOVED!
If there is anything great about having to move abruptly after eleven years it's the ability to rediscover the woman I once was who gave way to the woman I am today. I decided to create even more space than that which circumstance has asked me to by getting rid of at least half of what I own. I did end up booking the commercial I spoke about in the prior blog so now I have to travel three times in December barely allowing me anytime to pack and move as I have a deadline to be out by since my place has been promised to someone else. So after taking one last look at my home the way it has been for most of my twenties I decided to start packing the past and head towards my new beginning. As I began to pack my books my twenties came rushing back. It was truly amazing to see how far I've come.
I found the most amazing books that have remained unopened in so long all they do is collect dust on my bookshelf. I rediscovered all the authors that helped me navigate the turbulent waters of my twenties from Don Miguel Ruiz to Wayne Dyer to Deepak Chopra to perhaps the most freeing, Sark. In her books she encourages you to color outside the line, lay in bed and be free. As I perused all the books memories came rushing back of sitting at my favorite restaurant in Malibu, in the same spot I did for years devouring words of hope from many. Years some called a waste and years that I believe gave birth to the woman I am today. All these authors along with four years of intense therapy gave way to my rebirth and to becoming not only a woman comfortable in the skin I am in but also a woman in love with herself as one of the book titles suggested.
After reading my notes and highlighted areas I made the decision to let them go. In doing so not only would I be saying goodbye to the past but I would allow them to become the gift in someone else's life that they had been in mind. Sure at first I struggled to put them in the giveaway box but I would tell myself okay one for the box one to keep and soon enough it became easier and more went into the giveaway box. It started to reveal within me the importance of letting go of the past in order to live my way into the answers and the what next. To acknowledge, love and most of all be GRATEFUL for all that guided me to where I am today but to let it go so the new beginning can commence. This meant letting go of books that ex lovers had brought into my life. Would it be possible to say goodbye to the Alchemist and The Witch of Portobello? Or to bid Kundera's Unbearable lightness of Being a fond farewell and ask him to take Murakami and Auster with him. Surprisingly it was so easy. Even two years ago it might have seemed like such a task to let the man who introduced me to those brilliant writers go but I am beyond grateful that alchemy, witches, love affairs, magicians, and feeding from hand to mouth no longer played a role in my life.
This by no means that they weren't amazing when they did but I am no longer a woman in search of love. I am a woman in love with myself, who is loved and who lives in such a different place now. As I bid farewell to all those great writers and great memories I arrived at a portion of my bookshelf where I would not be willing to let go. Perhaps it's because I am an old soul, have been here before and all these kinds of books remind me of beautiful times but one thing is certain old hardcover books discovered at my favorite book shop on Main St. in Ventura are staying with me. There is something so profound to me about a book that was published in 1923 and dedicated to someone in 1949 like my copy of Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet. It holds a story of the lives it touched before it did mine. So The Prophet, Dr. Zhivago, Wuthering Heights, Introduction to Aristotle, Churchill and the Shroud are all staying with me. Especially the Essays of Ralph Waldo Emerson. My 1944 copy that once belonged to Mrs. Edyth Teeses is falling apart so I let no one near the book which holds more hope in its words than anything else I have ever read.
They'll remind me of the beautiful times I drove there to discover not how to loose myself in a book in order to find myself but how to just be present to what once was in someone's imagination. To be present to their art. That is what I am choosing to do now more than ever. Be present to this new beginning. To not fear it, its direction, the light, and most of all its rapid ascend towards magic and beauty. To know all I have lived has been exactly as it had to be in order for me to be able to be present today and unwrap the gift that is my life, which is magically and mysteriously unfolding before my eyes. It's full of synchronicity and magical whispers of what is without speaking words to eachother yet knowing fully the universe is speaking. It's guiding, it's saying it's time to move into the next level. To claim and most of all accept what I deserve. So thank God for the treasures that now sit in boxes. Thank God for all the men, women, and children who have crossed my paths and led me here to today to this circumstance where once again I must let go of all I have known (which means letting go of sixteen years worth of belongings too) in order to live what I have yet to know but have always desired.
As my week progressed my daily calendar kept speaking to me like it did Wednesday when the quote of the day read this below.
It is so clear to me and it became so transparent when I lost my home that this new beginning meant leaving an era with grace and gratitude while holding the hand of God to the new era where LOVE and all I deserve and have worked for will cross my path. May you be able to see the gift that it is to let go and surrender in order to allow God and the universe to bestow their magic upon you. May you never be a victim of circumstance but a receiver of its gifts. May you be blessed to allow your past to guide you towards your Northern Sky and embrace its magic. ;-)
Version two beautiful to miss. ;-) 2:54 "I never felt magic crazy as this."
It's happened yet again in the most unexpected yet blessed of ways! My prayer has been answered. Once again I have to let go in the grandest of ways. There is no other way to do it when God and the universe are behind it brewing up something so grand and magical that everything you have known and life as you know it has to be let go in order to allow the new beginning to commence. Just when I thought I had "lost" everything I was shown there was one more thing I had to let go off in order to proceed through the unknown into the magic God and the universe have finally finished preparing me for. While the hit may have come at an awkward time, three days before Thanksgiving and a week before my thirty-fifth, there are way too many signs pointing to its Godly timed arrival like this one here. This is what my calendar read yesterday and precisely what I have been manifesting and blogged about recently. Love is all around and while I was asked to let go big time of my home of ten years I was being reminded as I stared on the calendar on my desk that all is as it should be.
I awoke at 4am today. Change will do that to you. This one has brought mixed feelings but is really not that unexpected. I have been wanting to move for a year now feeling an urge to go somewhere out of Los Angeles but not too far. What I dedicate my life to, indie productions, doesn't have to be based here but I did sign with a phenomenal agency this year and I know the new beginning includes them so I have to be near by. A year ago I wanted to pack what I needed, sell what I didn't and move. I was jolted by Neil's abrupt passing and I wanted to run. I wanted to hurry and do what I feared I may not get a chance to if I didn't start that minute. I slowly began to recover and stay in faith even if I struggled. I found my way back to my belief that miracles are born of faith, patience and the ability to read signs. Signs which are coming at me left and right.
I had told my mom yesterday that I needed to get to SAG and deal with some things because everything inside me was telling me to as I was going to book my callback. I have a second callback today and I'm on avail. At this point all the signs are still pointing where my gut told me. This booking will help guide me towards my new beginning. As I lay in bed this morning and cried with excitement and sadness I spoke with God and said "I need to hear its voice. Just to comfort me please. To know its with me because I feel it close." I flipped the channel and there it was comforting me. It was closer than I thought. I cried as I lay my tired body in my bed. I was in awe of God's timing as I always am and humbled by its magic.
All this change that has been taking me on quite the ride this year has been leading me somewhere beyond my expectations. I've sensed it and seen some of it already unfold but it never seizes to amaze me! I see God in it. That is how I know God exists. For every circumstance that is out of my control there are hundreds of grandiose gifts born of it but the only way for me to see those gifts is to let go and trust the process. Gifts of immense love! My life is pretty freaking magical right now I have no idea what to do. Run and tell everyone? Unlikely, I always speak cryptically. ;-) Go outside my door and start singing glory glory hallelujah. Unlikely, in my pj's and with my hair like this, bedhead, I am certain they'll think I lost it. ;-) So instead I'll do what I have always done. I'll let you see for yourself as it unfolds before your eyes too. Have a seat though because as I get ready to pack my bags, literally, and fill my suitcase of life with faith, courage, strength, hope and most of all God's guidance I am certain that my destination, unknown to you- known to my gut, is going to blow all of us away.
What I want to make clear is that if I had not had the ability to see every "loss" as necessary I would not be living my way into this fairytale ending here on Planet Earth. They're not just fantasies left to desired for someday or other lifetime. Fairtytales can be lived here if we are willing to also accept life on life's terms and balance them out. One gives way to the other. I told Bev yesterday what I have felt for a while now. I voiced that I believe my dad is giving me so much LOVE in so many forms, under God's guidance, to make up for all he couldn't do and didn't have the capacity to do. That my life is coming full circle. That bearing the cross of his loss, Neil's loss, my old agency, my latest production and now my home all in one year is because I deserve more. Neil and him excluded. That kind of loss is inexplicable and I still want Neil back on the field in the game. He was taken out too soon and somedays like yesterday I still cry uncontrollably while accepting I can't bring him back onto the playing field.
However you and I, we are here. We get one more day to LIVE! So I will. I will take the unexpected call that arrived yesterday with the signs and buy my ticket to my next destination while letting go of the need to be the train conductor. I know there will be some dark tunnels in the coming weeks but you should see that light at the end of those tunnels. I can't lie I know where I am headed. It's magical. How it will unfold only God and the universe know but I have accepted this final "loss" aka clearing of space to allow this new beginning to commence. I AM READY! To say the least. After all I have been manifesting this for thirty-five years, a thousand years, many life times, a little over two and all of the above. This can only make sense to me and maybe one other person.
As I turned the page of the daily calendar this morning I read this.
So with gratitude embodying me I head off towards destination "UNKNOWN". See you there. I'll be the one with a HUGE smile on my face. The one I wore on at my GLAMOUR award ceremony and on the red carpet in Rome. One I have come accustomed to wearing on my face after life on life's terms gives way to it. May you have the courage to know when to let go and live your way into your magical new beginning. Like me I hope you can dance your way there too! Now if I only had a drum to bang on like the one in this video. It's exactly a week before my thirty-fifth and today I raise my glass to God and the universe, THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME COURAGE TO ACCEPT YOUR LOVE! IT'S TIME LET GO AND LET YOU SHOW ME WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN BREWING! I AM HUMBLED! "Everything is screaming I think it's time we let go!"
P.S. You are all invited to a Holiday packing party. Bring your holiday cheer, some tape and a willingness to dance while you pack up the past with me. ;-)
As I headed to an early audition this morning I had a beautiful flashback courtesy of my ipod which brought so many memories rushing back. Songs like this one play for many reasons. Most of all I am old school and part of me doesn't want to get with the times. I want to continue going to Amoeba and buying things myself. I want to take all my treasures home and download stuff myself from the cds. I know some of us still buy cds. Recycled of course, which is what Amoeba is known for. I have been blessed to have them sponsor my work. In 2009 they sponsored The Art of Being financially and generously donated all the cast gift bags thanks to the amazing Chris Carmena. So as the following song made its way into my car tears and a smile took over. They were tears of gratitude for his love and the love of many others involved with The Art of Being. (Click here to see original video. It is AMAZING but I can't embed it.)
I keep seeing 2006 in everything from videos like "Unwritten" and "Suddenly I see" being played on VH1 to the songs my ipod selects while on shuffle and I have feeling it's to remind me that no matter what I endured and lived through the last almost six years, I have always been loved. To me love isn't about making someone what you want or getting what you want from someone. It's about accepting them as is and what they have the capacity to give. Same goes for circumstances. It's not about getting what we want, it's about accepting what is and having gratitude and love for it. It's about being able to see the blessings in the what is. As 2011 closes and 2006 reappears I can see so many things so clearly but most of all I can see that all I need IS Love!
What I take from all I have lived is not what has happened that I did not envision happening, which took me down a detoured road where heartache was temporarily my companion. What I see is all the people that crossed my path to help me down those roads. The list is endless! One thing is certain everyone came into my life when they did with LOVE. It may have been their idea of love and sometimes it wasn't unconditional but it was LOVE. If you haven't already noticed I'm cheesy and totally okay with it, so I can't help but get teary eyed when I think of all the LOVE I have been given. I used to sit in my dining area, which as the years passed actually got turned into a home office and listen to Love's Divine on repeat thinking "How I am going to pull this off?" "How am I going to survive a year starting off this way?" A year that consisted of two commercials being on hold and potentially not airing (loosing residuals/financing for play) and with a play ready to go but no financing to do it.
The answer then lied in the same place it lies right now, LOVE. Having the faith to know I am loved produces me to move forward trusting I am being taken care of and in that blind faith commences the magic of the universe. God and the universe take care of crossing my paths with love like they always have. It's astonishing to witness what happens when I put all my faith in them knowing they will show up through someone right on time. It never fails. From the simplest thing like an unexpected gift from GLAMOUR when I was hoping for it (Lovestruck perfume) to winning a car when mine had been paid off and broke down the week of, to the phone call from the therapist informing me I had been accepted weeks prior to availability for a session, as I balled my eyes out hoping praying for a miracle. Timing is everything! Ability to see love and be love is up to me.
At a brunch once my friend Josh questioned what being love was. I remember my heart longing to speak but being too shy to. I remember thinking LOVE is GOD, GOD is LOVE. I have a plaque that says that in my dressing area, in pink of course. ;-) Meaning whatever action we take that could benefit another expecting nothing in return other than the feeling you derive, is an action in love so by taking such an action we are then connected to God and therefore are being God and in touch with the unseen force. That is my humble opinion based on my experiences. Experiences which have been AMAZING. I wish I had the time to tell you in detail about Rome, the film festival and its magic!! I will share that the production company in Italy which held the competition did not provide anyone who attended the premiere of the film with anything. So if you wanted to attend its premiere in Rome you had to do so on your own. Same was for the festival itself. I remember thinking, "How can I not attend my own film's premiere?" Of course as usual LOVE showed up in the form of Bev who wanted to share the experience with me as she had lived the journey to it with me. She knew my then boyfriend and all that had happened, which led to the miracle of my film, meeting my then favorite author and finally the premiere. So she made the trip possible and we lived it up in Rome for a week.
Stories like these are endless! Love from a friend, from a stranger, from the universe I believe are ultimately GOD. That stranger that pulled over to help you with your flat tire, LOVE aka GOD. The person that kept you too long and made you late somewhere but ultimately as you saw right on time, GOD. Maybe it's just me but I see all the ways in, which GOD and LOVE show up everyday and I am in awe. I want to be the same and give in the same way I am being given! I can only pray I do. My friend Areli just found out I donated the all the proceeds of the tour of my play in 07' and questioned, All of it? You took nothing? Financially I took nothing but the rewards were endless and beyond the car. What I did felt exactly like what I needed to do. Give what I had been given. Could I have made better business decisions? To others the answer would be yes. To me it is still no. What would I have learned if I had done the opposite? The lesson came as it had to and if I was asked to do it over, I would do it all EXACTLY as I did. This is what was born of that LOVE, a behind the scenes look at TAOB. We did the curtain call to Love's Divine as a tribute to what had given me the courage to follow my heart and with the hopes of leaving the audience with one final inspiration to LOVE themselves just as they were created. My favorite man makes an appearance. You'll see what I mean in the opening shot.
So as I reflect on my miracles born of faith journeys courtesy of my ipod and VH1 all I see is evidence that all I have needed and all I have been given is LOVE. I have lived things people spend their whole lives saving up for waiting for the very famous SOMEDAY to arrive. Not one of them was rooted in money or was the intention money. It was always about LOVE and continues to be. This is hard for the people who love me the most to comprehend. Like many they share a belief that with financial stability comes happiness. A belief I don't share solely based on experience. Prior to my production company opening in 2006 I had all sorts of part time jobs, money and very little happiness. All I had was the dream of the elusive SOMEDAY. Luckily for me LOVE led me to that someday in the this lifetime. I began a journey, which has provided me with more than any amount of money ever could. I have sacrificed a lot! I do agree that following your heart may not be for everyone if you are someone who knows you will get more than this lifetime to LIVE. We can plant and wait many seasons for fruition in order to see dreams based on LOVE become reality. I am grateful I figured out how to. I am blessed to know what truly matters and to be able to respect others beliefs of what matters. Is it always easy? No. Is it what I aspire to everyday? Yes. In LOVE lies RESPECT! RESPECT for me means accepting people and situations for what they are.
I can't tell you how excited I am these days. Yes in case you are wondering I have days of doubt like I did yesterday. Then I remember that the person who unknowingly and without harm intended produced that doubt was again seeing my world through their eyes. Eyes of fear and doubt. So after talking it out with Danielle I returned to my source, LOVE. I am so grateful I know how to get back home. If we choose to see it LOVE IS ALL AROUND! It's not just some catchy line from Love Actually. To me it's the truth. All I have ever needed and all I have ever wanted has always been with me. I wish you the ability to see the world through the eyes of love. It's AMAZING and mind boggling what you will allow yourself to experience if you do. Note if you do not like to be filled with gratitude, joy, hope, happiness, excitement, awe struck emotion, courage to soldier on through life on life's terms and faith than LOVE may not be for you. ;-) However if you want to be filled with it watch this video and DREAM! Dream of a world full of love and be that love. I PROMISE YOU IT WILL COME BACK TO YOU AS YOU WILL CREATE THE ABILITY TO SEE IT IN EVERYTHING! I LOVE YOU, I CLAIM YOU, AND I THANK YOU! I AM L<3VE!
*Disclaimer feelings of joy may arise while watching this video and you may want to get up and dance. No dance partner needed. Just feel the love and express it.
As one dream ends another commences and my journey continues. So as one door closes and I await for another to open I stand in the in between space I call the hallway. Sometimes it can be dark and mourning can take place. I've been living a lot of that this year. Dreams dying and space being created to allow new dreams in. This prompted me to think about how many times in my life I have consciously or unconsciously let go of a dream being a certain way in order to allow a new dream in. It turns out I always have as it's part of this journey called existence on this planet. Growing through the journeys in order to see dreams come to fruition and letting go of what I envision in order to receive what I deserve has become my way of life. As I a reflected on my past I realized that I am BLESSED! I have lived everything I ever wanted and then some. There is this idea that in order to live a dream in my industry you have to have it be accompanied with fame and money. One thing I need in order to survive this existence and the other does not attract me in the least bit. I always find it fascinating when people see my work and say "you are on your way." I smile and don't say much as it's not my place to take away their idea on the WAY but inside I hold my truth. I am already there.
The greatest gift of not getting what I envisioned is that it allowed me to receive a dream that exceeded my expectations and was what God and the universe thought I deserved. I call them miracles because of the journey that preceded the destination. Some dreams I have had no choice and they were taken from me and some I made the decision to walk away from like the most recent one. I wasn't attached to it and while I stood up for what my team and I deserved and I still believe we do I had told Danielle a couple of months ago that I didn't see it coming to fruition. My gut was just telling it wasn't going to happen. She thought otherwise and expressed it but I still kept getting the feeling that it wasn't meant to be. All I wanted in the end was for all involved to get credit where credit is due and to have our work respected. Something I inevitably had to leave in God's hand in order to move on and create space for the what next to arrive.
That has always been one of my favorite questions. Every time I finish a project and even before I am done savoring it someone will ask me what I plan to do next. My answer provides me with some of the most interesting expressions I have ever seen. I let them know that I don't know what is next and I have to wait for a sign from God and the universe. Of course I have my dream list which I share mostly with God and the universe but I have been doing this long enough to know the what next is not in my hands. Not if I want it to be magical. If I try to take control of the what next I end up in the what the heck? ;-) If I let go and do as Emerson suggest, "Adopt the pace of nature, her secret is patience" I end up living my way into a miracle every time without fail. The journey there is a whole another thing which I treasure regardless of all its unforeseen detours knowing that without them I would have never arrived at that particular destination. But truly to be able to do live like this I must be open to a lot especially being present in this very moment till the sign arrives. In devouring my walks with the eyes of a toddler discovering things for the first time and that is what I am currently doing as I mourn the loss of a dream as I envisioned it yet again.
Two things keep coming up for me right now as I do this. Patience and I am loved. Both which I am contemplating getting tattooed. To my close friends stop laughing I am not too girlie for it. I want one on each wrist as a birthday gift to myself. We'll see. Last week I sported "I am loved" on my wrist to see if I could get used to it and every time I dealt with the final negotiations of my work and things seemed quite heavy I would look at it and it would be a great reminder that I was being taken care of no matter what things APPEARED like to others. As I've said before for me victory lies in knowing when to let go and accept the detour to your destiny. When to bid something FATEwell.
As the door has officially and legally closed on one dream and I stand in the hallway I contemplate the gifts that were born from having the patience to be here in the past. This is not to be confused with not doing anything which is something I feel can be interpreted when letting go and letting God is suggested. Being present to this moment for me means, mourning the loss by i.e. taking walks, resting when needed and standing up when ready. That is actually doing something contrary to what society may believe or impose on us. In Mexico every afternoon after we eat together with our family we take a siesta and then get back to work. That is what I consider what I am living now, a siesta in order to take life and all its beauty in.
My last siestas have provided me with such amazing miracles. When I was young I got into pageants because my mom wanted me to, others were doing it and not much else was happening in my hometown that did not require me to cross the bridge and get drunk at a bar in Juarez. Something that till this day is not appealing at all. So there I was attempting to be Miss Teen El Paso. While I did place in the top 20 out of 113 contestants my second time around I didn't win. After going to Monterrey to be in my sister in law's former pop group and returning home I gave it one more try. Except this time I entered Miss Teen Expo Spokesmodel. It was 1993 and I won. Third time is a charm or as I see it now a dream exceeding my expectation. Unbeknownst to me then and something I can see clearly now is that that pageant actually lined up with my beliefs. It went along with an event called Teen Expo that inspired teens to be the best they could be. I was actually representing that not the city which I thought was not as good. Turns out I was wrong. I left to Fine Arts School during my reign and I have Teri to thank for not taking my title. I fulfilled duties when I could and passed on the title in 1994 when I moved back from Mexico City. I can see now that the "failure" of the two prior pageants was for many reasons but more than anything to have my beliefs line up with my work.
It's happened many times since then. I didn't get all the countless movie roles I auditioned for including my pre-read for Spanglish because while it is all beautiful work it was not the work my heart longs to do. Same for junior high school cheerleading. Not getting on the squad prompted my mom to give me a card that said "when one door closes another opens." Something a teenager can't truly grasp then like this thirty-four year old woman can now. I did go on to be on the dance team instead which again went more in line with me. I think being on the cheerleading squad would have been an attempt at being seen and being on the dance team was about feeding my soul. Till this day dance transforms me and through the miraculous ways in which my body can move and bend I see what is possible in this magical existence. Give me music and a dance floor and I am the happiest girl in the world, okay almost thirty-five year old woman. ;-)
As I reflect on all this I am for the first time seeing it affect a very important part of my life I always put on the back burner. My love life seemed to take a back seat to the dreams of my career. I've always been a hopeful not hopeless romantic but as an independent woman I have also been stuck in my way of not needing anyone as I can handle anything on my own. This year the lesson arrived in the most unexpected of ways that while I can handle everything alone I don't want to. I discovered I had told myself I would be okay if I had to because I could. I could keep repeating a pattern if necessary. This particular lesson comes with a lot of layers and of course includes coming from a one parent household with abandonment issues. Layers I've been peeling back for years in hopes of finding my way back believing with all my heart, soul and every ounce of my being that not only do I deserve to be loved. I am loved.
While I don't want to take from all the beautiful souls I've encountered along the way and their gifts in the form of lessons called our relationship I've never encountered love in this form. It's inexplicable their capacity to love themselves, life and most of all others. I had never seen a love like this which carries itself with such grace and humility. Of course I hadn't because I would not have been in a place where I would have been able to accept it but now is the time. I don't fear it or expect anything from it I simply embrace it when I find myself in it presence. It's there in its presence that I see the magic of God, the universe and now my father. I am able to find myself in its company because after many lessons and many years of growth I am finally open to receiving what I deserve. In letting go of dreams as I once knew them I have created space for God and the universe to yet again through their magic put my dreams to shame. ;-) To think a year ago I thought it couldn't get any better. Thank you God for giving me courage to let that dream die so I could create space for the light to arrive on your time. I am most humbled by your love for me and the kindness of the universe.
I am most grateful that I have learned letting go does not mean loosing but simply creating space for what I deserve and allowing God to take care of me. I am grateful for the ability to live my way into the answers and trusting that one dream ending does not mean another won't come to fruition. In these dark past couple of years and especially these past two weeks God sent light to illuminate my dark hallway repeatedly. It was always about me knowing I deserved to be loved by such EXTRAORDINARY friends, family and now the light. May your journey and its darkness provide you with the gift I believe is essential in order to make your way through the detours, unknown and into the what next, LOVE. May love for yourself just as you are reign above all and in that you will find the ability to LIVE YOUR WAY INTO THE MIRACLES YOU DESERVE. WE LIVE ONCE LET'S MAKE IT MAGICAL!
Look at where she is as the video commences, what she is carrying in her hands and where she ends up as she opens the door. Synchronicity! Thank you God!
Perhaps the most bizarre accusation handed against my character in the last few days was that I am standing up for what is fair and right using my team and our work as an excuse because they can see clearly that my sole purpose is myself. I was warned that until I respected the sole source of our work I would continue to be just a producer and never create anything myself. Perhaps they should have done more thorough research as I am the creator of The Art of Being, my first production, and precisely the reason GLAMOUR Magazine and Toyota honored me gifting me with a car in the process not too long after I had paid mine off and it had stopped working. Timing! Yes the universe always has your back! Neither company ever saw the play or knew the depth of my work, its meaning or sacrifices yet from over 2,500 women nationwide I was chosen simply because God and the universe knew whose behalf I had worked on. ;-) I can also proudly say I was the first Latina to win the award. An award handed to me at a ceremony in Los Angeles. If they had really chosen to see all of my work for what it truly is perhaps they would have seen the first video in the interview section of the film and television section of www.adrianagarza.com where I am at my award ceremony and I am accepting my award giving credit where credit is due. I found it last night as I reviewed my site for changes and it brought great comfort.
There is a lovely scene in Runaway Jury where John Cusack's character is having a conversation with a jury member and simply by having it the jury member exposes himself and true colors leaving everyone in the room in awe of his true character and motive once revealed. Everyone who forms a part of my team bases their opinion on what they see for themselves, including my Executive Producer, in our conversations as I am always quick to point out there are always two sides to a story. Always. No one needs me to form an opinion for them. We are all individuals. How we perceive and take things in is how we will hand our judgements to others. So if I am always worried about my weight I will always worry about others weight when I judge them. They won't be good enough because I don't feel good enough. Something I learned simply by navigating my twenties. This applies to anything. When I was little my mom said, "Adriana El Leon cree que todos son de su condicion y la zorra no se ve su cola." The end sounds funny but holds a valuable lesson. She was saying that people hand judgements based on what they would do and don't see their own faults when doing so. They can't see past their judgements. She used common known sayings which reference animals because as a kid she wanted me to get it.
I didn't then but I do now. Life has taught me to hold space for compassion. To say I have struggled these past few days would be true but not for long. I didn't use someone's past to shed light on the truth I simply used their own words which of course were interpreted differently by them as we are two individuals. I was handed judgement after judgement based on my past work, and interviews. When I was advised to do the same in return and use stories about their past, by past I mean pre- knowning them, against them too to justify their attacks, I saw how the people who interpret the law can work not all but some as they seek to win and I realized in that moment that if I did any of what I was advised to do I would become the same thing I was standing up against. It really would go against my essence even if compassion wasn't residing within me entirely I still couldn't become that which I was standing up against. It would make everything to me at least pointless. When I advised my team of my decision to surrender and let go one of my interpreters of the law confessed to not having clients like me informing me that people usually get into it until they make others see their side. I am well aware I can't. That would be like asking myself to know what it is like to have a father when I haven't seen mine since I was seven. Where would I draw from?
The bottom line is everyone involved stood to loose something they had worked hard on and everyone involved was willing to stand up for what they felt was right. An agreement to disagree could not be reached and that was when I realized what I was up against and how staying present and continuing to allow it to consume and worse embody me would prevent me from my destiny so instead I bid it FATEwell. Although the assumption was made that all was in vain it wasn't. Trust me it wasn't. This is where you come in. I simply do not know how I would have navigated the waters of this constantly stormy sea without YOU this past year. All of you arrived precisely on time. From Areli who came to do my make up and in actuality it turned out she came into my life to feed my soul and share in my joy of all the magical conspiracies to Hannah who arrived to console me and I her as we shared the memories of her uncle and magically she found me through this blog. Of course the list of God timed arrivals is endless. From the light who brought through the words of a dear friend affirmation that I am not alone and while my breathes were very difficult to take after my father passed as I constantly feared dying it was very clear I was now being rescued by not only the words my friend spoke but by my father and Neil. There was also the neighbor's timely card to console me on my father's passing and perhaps the most magical one, which arrived precisely when I needed it most from Australia.
The list of examples which humble me, show me God's existence and fill me with gratitude is endless. January started with the loss of my father, followed by the loss of one actor as he dropped out of the film, and finally the Investor all within a week. As I see it all was as it should be as it opened the door to all of you. Every single one of you who I had to create space for to enter. I believe that is what loss does creates space for what lessons you need to embark on next to evolve, and hopefully grow into a more LOVING human being regardless of the circumstances. Hopefully like me you can see the BLESSINGS that would not exist if it weren't for those circumstances whose timing can sometimes seem overwhelming.
As I reflect upon the past year I thank God the female director with high demands did not work out as it led me to Randy. This would be a great time to tell you of what a gift he bestowed upon simply by being willing to dance to the ballad of compromise with me. I learned so much from him while we took the dance floor for over a year. I am going to miss him so much and while I foresee us working together again I am going to miss him letting me be me. Not once did I ever feel like who I am, God and universe talk included, bothered him. NOT ONCE and I know we don't share beliefs but we shared a very important thing any relationship I believe should be founded on, RESPECT. We have not always seen creatively with the same eye. How could we being two individuals but he always afforded me the gift of being his equal. ALWAYS. Randy I am so grateful for the magic we created together. Your support of me, my vision and my dream especially this past two weeks has made me a better person. I have your back!
Like Randy there were so many who brought love, courage, support, and faith with them as their suitcases when they arrived timely into my life. So to allow one suitcase of someone's idea of me to take all that away would simply be in my humble opinion very blind of me. I SEE YOU! All of you and when I think of what you have done for me I realize you bring this quote to life, "Friends (family) are God's way of taking care of us!" Bev, Shari, Danielle and Jon A., Cienna (one day you wil forgive me for casting you as a baby boy) Susan V., Susan, Samantha, my movie dad Ruben (te quiero tanto!), Drew, Lizanne, Michael, Benjamin, Alma, Eve, Vince, Cole, Jason, Philly, Finian, Ciaran, Conor, Armando, Jake, Gaby, Shiela, Carlos, Andy, Rosie, Agnel Ishmael (whose name eerily is now what I call my dad), Mary Queen, Eric, Tammy and Patrick, Lindsay, Rena, Ivonne, Vero, Jorge, Enrique, Jorge Andres, Mercedes, Meche, Dan, my birth father Ismael and his daughter Paty (who guided me through his transition), Zoey, Sheri Michaels, Kris H., Herb, Michael Mullen, Lisa, Eloy, Richard P., Valerie A., Lisa A., Javier F., Kris N., Sarah D., Jesse B., Blanca V., Gabriela G., Kelly R., Kunal, Hannah, Hans, Areli, Kimberley M., Danielle R., Jennifer H., Jennifer W., Darice, Randy, Paul R., Jerry and I know I am missing someone but do know I AM GRATEFUL! The list is endless and your timing impeccable! To all who posted our project, especially strangers, on their social networking sites in efforts to see our dream come to life thank you. The universe knows. As you have done so shall be done to you! May your DREAM come to be your reality! My definitely did. I am so proud of all of us!
I don't care how many times I am persuaded to stay in the dark more than necessary so I can't see clearly. I would much rather face the sun directly and stand in its blinding light of truth as I see it. This helps me see that Margaret Mead was very very wise when she said, "A small group of thoughtful people can change the world. Indeed it is the only thing that ever has." I would like to add that you changed my world and by being of service to me in return you serviced the world as what we created together was meant for the world even if it was a preemie. It is a beautiful preemie and I have EVERYONE involved to thank for it. This is OURS. It exist because you lent your art, held my hand when I couldn't go on and simply believed in me. I present to you what YOU and I created.
I do not take well to bullying by anyone to anyone or anyone's interpretation of my art of being used against me. Regardless of what anyone desires to see or interpret not only will I continue to use my God given voice I will continue to use it to BE LOVE. I am not that frightened teenage girl anymore who stood in the middle of a tremendous circle of people and ridicule as one girl threatened me because I looked at her boyfriend in junior high. I am not the girl who in high school was told she was going to get a beating in not such kind words simply because Mike, who later confessed, told the offender a lie. They reside within me and are part of what bestows me the gift of compassion but I am an adult and no one's threats, interpretation of what is or attacks on my character frighten me. These past experiences were EXACTLY as they should be as they gave birth to being able to know who I am and where I stand. They gave birth to the strong convictions I bestow. While I may temporarily need to lay down and rest like I do now I still know what I ran across a while back, "at the center of your being you have the answer, you know who you are and you know what you want." As I lay and rest delighting in the calm before the storm that signs have informed me is coming I find comfort in the words that came from Lizanne after seeing our work which I share with her and the universe and which will be held in my heart forever. God I hear you and in her timely words I see you!
The night came and it got dark but you stood by me and for that I am eternally GRATEFUL and indebted to you. Have NO FEAR I have your back. You have made me the woman I am today and I am honored to have crossed paths with ALL OF YOU regardless if our paths diverged and I decided to take the one less traveled where temporary loss will on God's time give birth to my FATE. I stand by you too! To anyone who comes across this I wish you an ability to see the gifts that are born of the dark. The ones that arrive during and after the darkness. The greatest to me have been the ones born because of it that the LIGHT and changing of the seasons bring with it. May you be blessed with at least one individual like all the ones that crossed my path! In the words of one my favorite souls whose definitely a gift of the darkness and whose words shed light on my path, "YOU shaped my life. YOU make me love who I am today." There are no words to express the depth of my gratitude for that. I will simply say thank you for believing in me. I am humbled by your LOVE and SUPPORT! Thank you for CHOOSING to endure the journey with me. I LOVE YOU!
It's time to let go and close one door therefore allowing the door to the what next to open. I have lived enough to learn that if I keep persisting down the same path and hoping for a different view than I am simply being stubborn not faithful. I had held faith against all obstacles that my team and I could produce results but the deadline arrived and we were unable to do so. The new proposed agreement was something I could not agree to and so on behalf of my team and after discussing it with them I let go of a way of life we have known to be ours for over two years. I apologized to my team for doing so and was continuously told there was no reason to apologize. I was reassured that I was not hurting anyone but when people have been working with you free of charge for over a year or two you can't help but feel like you may have failed them in not being able to bring to fruition your collective dream. Although deep down inside I know all is as it should be.
I have yet again been informed of all my character defects and what a truly different person I am that what I expose on here and through my work. It was in those words that I found my answer. I could continue going back and forth with someone whose form of communication is insults or I could do what I have learned repeatedly even the hard way is best, surrender and let go. The same question I posed earlier in the week arrived again. Do I want to be happy or do I want to right? This time the answer was different. There is only so much negative/depleting/fallen angel energy one can face before realizing the victory doesn't lie in winning it lies in knowing when to surrender and let go. In my case doing so leads to happiness. I pondered how important is this? In the big picture of life not at all. Try thinking of your problem at hand as this. On a scale of one to ten, 9/11 being a ten where does your problem lie? Mine is not even on the scale. I have my friend Bev to thank for posing that question to me years ago. I then pondered does letting go silence my voice? Absolutely not. What is my body feeling? Tired and depleted!!! What is my heart saying? LET GO! So I decided to do just that.
The court I wanted to abide by when standing up for my team and myself was the moral code of life court. A moral compass I believe we are all born with but one texts in books and contracts can find its way around. It can make the moral compass gauge become "invisible." That is until what you have done is returned to you. This journey brought with it a lesson that I will never forget. In the eyes of the law one missing word can change everything including two years of hard work but I revert to what I believe. In the eyes of God and the universe and the law I abide by, do onto others as you would want done to you, no matter who tries to talk you into otherwise all is taken care of even if in the moment it APPEARS otherwise. In due time light is always shed on the truth. Not my perception or theirs but the actual universal truth. I don't fear anyone, their attacks on my character or their threats against me. Their attacks on my character were done with my own words, which they took the time to read here and quote from past interviews. That is a lot of energy wasted on something you dislike so much and their example carried a HUGE lesson. I didn't want to become them so I had to let them go. No matter how much truth was held in plain text of paper trails there was of course as there always is in law a way to distort it. I know I was advised repeatedly by different people who can interpret the law to take them down. To do to them what they were attempting to do to me.
I chose not to. I chose instead to continue to be love and light no matter what they continue to interpret in order to justify their actions. I am definitely wearing the horns these days and Halloween already came to pass. ;-) I would like to point out that there are always two sides to a story, which is why I encouraged them to stop quoting mine, which caused them so much anger and start their own using their own voice. As I state here on my page to the right under my picture, "this is simply one woman's opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest behind." By all means if what you take angers you please leave it here. This is simply a place I come to chronicle my journey in hopes of allowing you the reader into a world where we can hold hope despite all the life on its terms situations we encounter.
This journey and its teacher came with so many great lessons I wouldn't give any of it back! I wouldn't change a thing! For over two years I did everything within my power to bring this to fruition. It did not come to fruition no matter what I tried. I was met with detour after detour after detour and finally reached a destination. Not one I envisioned but one I am beyond grateful occurred now before we got any further. It simply was not meant to be and at this point in my life and after seeing things and situations in the blinding light of the sun I am glad to accept God's will. After all man's rejection is God's protection. I am being protected from something and I have to trust that. I just know it and in the recent attacks it became clear that my happiness mattered more than being right or trying to change their perception. Finding solace in people seeing the world as they are not as it is and knowing therefore that trying to convince an angry person to see me through loving eyes is pointless. I can no longer play a game of whose right because in the big picture which includes loosing Neil and my dad in one year this is not that important. I'd rather play I let go and move on allowing the universe to bestow its magic upon me. It's a much better game. I have learned this repeatedly and did yet again.
So if anyone wants to use what is not theirs and call it theirs by interpreting their idea of text implies I will have to abide by the golden rule, as you do so shall be done to you. No longer desiring the they said I said battle I chose to walk away and take my team with me closing the door on this therefore creating space for all we deserve to arrive. I just simply can't keep going down the same path hoping for a different view! I have to head to a new path and create a new view. Even if I was told I don't have the capacity to create. I am going to have to take my past work, its accolades and most of all my gut feeling and carry on. Keep calm and carry on. It's not like it's the first time I heard you can't. Last time it propelled me into manifestation of a most GLAMOROUS experience. ;-)
I realize in all their constant quoting to attack me and make my beliefs theirs that imitation is a form of flattery I do not want bestowed upon me as I am big on encouraging anyone to find their voice and what speaks to them. Follow YOUR heart! I do not intend to know exactly where all this letting go is leading to but I do have an idea as signs have been clearly guiding me. As usual I know it will exceed my expectations. This simply was just not meant to be. It wasn't written in the stars as hard as I worked to have it be so. I have been shown once more whose in control and I let go as I recall the magic that the light born of the darkness has produced in my life before. I find solace in memories. I have been "stripped" simply because although this was pretty darn magical we deserve something a bit more magical where our work can be appreciated. I have great trust that this END is taking us there. To an Entirely New Direction. May you know when to let go and like me may you have an abundance of guidance through friends and family who support your sweet surrender. I thank you for your time! AG Productions will return on God's time with the what next....to be continued. Till then may you continue to CREATE the life of YOUR DREAMS using YOUR VOICE and learning the art of knowing when to let go.
Thank you God for giving me the gift of knowing who I am. I am GRATEFUL to all of you who held my hand in one way or another these past couple of years! It's time to allow the seasons to do what they do best, bring change. I am humbled by their constant wisdom. "Everything I have seen teaches to me trust the creator for all I have not seen." RW Emerson I will be the light! "I see the light. And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back. So shake him off! It's always darkest before the dawn. Damned if I do. Damned if I don't." I LET GO!
Every year people head to New York to witness the magic of the universe as it greets Autumn. This is most commonly known as the falling of the leaves, which brings with it stunning change and a time of renewed hope as the season of giving and love arrives soon after. I'd like to think these gifts are constantly in season during the journey I call my life. Like the effortless change of seasons I allow these gifts of "season" to embody me year round. I know I try to have it be the case. With all that surrounds me in nature I am reminded of the one thing that is constant, change. Especially on walks like the one I took this morning whose glorious gift let me know that I need not be far from home to see the magic of change.
Change is always taking place in my life whether I am aware of it or not. I like to think of it as magic being brewed miles and miles away from here by forces unseen like God, my dad, Neil, grandpa and all who have left Planet Earth. There are many personal reasons as to why I have this sense that things work that way and today on my walk I realized I was ready to share one of those due to all the synchronicity that this current falling of leaves has brought into my life.
One night not long after my father passed, a man I had not seen since I was seven, and while I was in deep sleep I clearly heard Adriana. Not Adriana pronounced in English but my name the way I like to hear it ADRIANA en espanol. I opened my eyes and quite frankly I thought I was still dreaming. There it was close to my bed the spirit/silhouette/shape of a man in a suit. I couldn't believe my eyes. I turned to the clock on my nightstand, looked back at it and before I knew it, it began to disappear. When it happened I only shared the story with two people. One replied, "I am not surprised at all. As in touch as you are with what you sense it probably knew you would see it." It I came to understand was my father. After years of not being with me he came to see me. Actually see me.
I had heard stories like this before and discarded them. It just sounded plain weird. That is until it happened to me. I went on to share it in group therapy and found that I was not the only one with that experience. A relief I must say that others like me can see beyond what we are taught to. That others use their sense of intuition as well. This is the part where some wise crack friend asks me what I was on. So for the record I've never done anything in my life. Nope. Not even the home grown stuff. ;-) These experiences are simply them as I lived it. Nothing added. After all not only do we see the world as we are, we live based on our beliefs. It can be a beautiful mess or it can be a torturous mess. I prefer to see the beauty in this existence, detours and life on life's terms moments included.
His departure was a HUGE season change for me and it kicked off 2011. Not exactly what I had envisioned but what has come due to his departure is this sense that now he has my back like he never could before. He wasn't equipped to raise children and with his background and no help to heal, remember therapy was for crazy people once upon a time, there was in my humble opinion no way anyone could have expected him to know what to do with us. However I have this sense that he is watching over me constantly now. A sense that is constantly reaffirmed in the words of friends and family. Some would never want to accept that he could possibly be behind the synchronicity as the leaves of change keep falling in my life but I know he is. Simply because everything my heart needs only God, the universe and my angels know of and yet at the most precise of moments when doubt wants to become my bestfriend in the words of a friend I hear my father. Words reaffirmed by my friend Jessica's post on facebook. This sign can only truly make sense to me. A sign reminding me that no matter my past I AM WORTHY of BEING LOVED.
It's astonishing to me even now, years after following signs, how magically we are all taken care of if we choose to see it. As I walked this morning after finally finishing what I consider the footwork and knowing the outcome is in God's hands, I ran across this.
Again something that can only make sense to me but something that really makes me grateful for having awareness. For being open to communicating with God and the universe in more than one way. While I do pray on my knees sometimes, I am in constant prayer. I consider my conversations with God prayer. Prayers of gratitude, of faith, of fear, of trust, of astonishment and so on. They are always happening. It makes my mom happy to have me sit beside her in mass and so I do. If people want to see me as religious because I do that is fine with me. What I see is gratitude for being able to sit next to my mother one more year no matter where I am. It makes me happy to stand at the edge of the cliff at Runyon and converse with my understading of God and so I do. I am open to accepting different ways of communicating with this unseen force whose name is really not as important to me as trusting it hears me and of course guides me, yet I choose to call it God. For me enter all who seek means enter within and find YOUR answers. Within is where God is. In YOUR heart. Yes it's great to seek comfort in like minds but embrace your individuality and in that I feel you will find comfort in all that comes your way and hopefully gratitude for being the unique creation of God you are.
As my leaves continue to fall and I grow through bare seasons, harsh weather seasons and joyful, giving seasons I continue to hold gratitude for all of it in my heart. Every bit of it that the seasons of this past year brought. From enduring all the paper trails twice, to basking in the light in the eyes of a dear friend where I feel seen and whose timing I believe was definitely my father's gift as since he was gone when our paths crossed, to holding my friend Kellie's son, to holding Cienna, to being on the set, to being on the couch in tears, to my girl's night with a dear friend proving we are like crazy and growing together in our friendship, to the gifts from GLAMOUR and their timing, to the artistry of Areli who while she may be responsible for my make up is actually brought so much more to my life, to watching Tammy and Patrick's union of love celebrated as well as Vince and Cole's and having all my dear friends hold me my hand through all the change. ALL OF IT. All of the changes brought upon by the constant seasons of my life are welcome.
A year ago as my thirty-fourth approached I was a wreck. Neil had passed a couple of months before and I kept questioning if I'd get up to see my birthday as he passed a month before his. I kept calling my mom to hear her voice. I was trying to stay afloat in a sea of fear. As the season of mourning passed I did find the shore again. It was far from easy but I stayed in the water and my lifesavers became my fellow mourners in group therapy. Eventually the sun came out again and with it the season of change that is being brewed up far away right now. I trust in it and its magic! I don't fear the changes it brings anymore. I have found my way back to my source of light! I am able to let go once again being the woman I knew before Neil and my dad "departed" and an even stronger version. To me they are still here. They are this final sign I got upon returning home from my walk this morning. Reaffirming my belief that I have indeed done all I can in all matters of my heart and affairs and that seasons bring in new friends and see friends depart as well. That it is time to let go and let the magic of my footwork unfold on its own.
The synchronicity in the falling of the leaves I am experiencing is only for me to understand. However my prayer for you is that when the constant change is brought upon into your life by the seasons doing what they were created to do may you do what one of my favorite poems suggests, "More and more I have come to admire resilience. Not the simple resistance of a pillow, whose foam returns over and over to the same shape, but the sinuous tenacity of a tree: finding the light newly blocked on one side, it turns in another. A blind intelligence, true. But out of such persistence arose turtles, rivers, mitochondria, figs and all this resinous, unretractable earth." May you find beauty and embrace the gifts of your seasons as they too will come to pass. Stay present in their beauty! Be open to their gifts! You may just find that the light brings with it dreams that exceed your expectations! May their timing return to you the awe of our childhoods and our discoveries. May you find within you the courage to weather the storm and the constant season called change. Dear God and the universe I am ready when you are!
