There are so many words that could express what I feel when I look at him but endless gratitude would best describe it. Gratitude for all that the city of lost souls gifted me for sixteen years and especially the last two that were the ones that redirected my path so that on November 20,2013 I could hold my biggest dream come to life in my arms, my son Austin Enrique.
I was telling Travis the other day that I still can't believe this is my life! I remember so vividly no longer wanting to ask for help from anyone, shivering in bed from anxiety in my 200 square foot apartment in Los Angeles after loosing what seemed like everything at the time and finally saying to God that while it all wasn't clear as to why, I wouldn't question God's will anymore and simply move to Austin, Texas where I felt the signs were re-directing me. Signs like the Texas license plates I kept seeing everywhere in Los Angeles, signs like being at callbacks and not booking the jobs, and signs like simply not being able to secure work and financial stability. A few months prior, in a matter of a month I was let go the day before wardrobe from a Honda commercial I had been cast in as the lead, lost my apartment of eleven years and due to creative differences walked away from what would have been my first feature length film production. At the time it all seemed too much as these were the gifts of my thirty-fifth birthday, which happened that same month and day after being let go and replaced on the commercial shoot.
I always say God has a reason that sometimes, in my case most times, is not seen in the moment. It is slowly revealed to me as I journey through life growing in many characteristics like faith and strength. Lost is what I felt the most when I arrived in Austin. Desperately trying to find solid ground only to have some of my family members shake my ground with their constant fears and doubts. What was I doing here? What would I do? Couldn't I just take a job at Starbucks? I mean after all they have benefits. I struggled to stay head above water but I did and as I swam in the tides of my new life the currents carried me in the direction of my best friend, Travis. The other day I told him how grateful I was for that night in LA when anxiety consumed me and took me to the point it did because it drove me to him. Literally! I got up, told Bev about my choice, packed my bags, called the movers, got in my car with Areli and drove to Texas without looking back but simply looking forward to a new beginning.
I could have never imagined what would be bestowed upon me back in my home state. Recently I was listening to a song and it spoke about broken dreams. All that came to mind for me was that to me a dream truly isn't broken unless I am not open to the possibility of my dream exceeding what I originally dreamt and it becoming a different, much more rewarding fruition. This can only happen if my heart is open so my eyes can see. See what you ask? Signs that lead me in my life and create along with my choices, extraordinary circumstances and take what some may see as a broken dream and create a new more magical dream. What I believe is a dream only becomes a broken dream if you weren't open to the original dream being exceeded and taking you to different more beautiful direction than you originally planned. A closed mind can create a broken dream. But an open mind can create a magical dream. I'm staring into his eyes right now and he sees me doing this and smiles. All ten months of his existence look at me with an adoring love! His huge smile proving to me that an open mind created this magical dream of a life I lead now!
It hasn't been easy and while I am madly in love with being a mom I have like any mom suffered anxiety, felt overwhelmed, and longed for sleep. Often wondered if I would ever sleep again but any of those fears and thoughts are made so much easier when I think of what I created thanks to a "broken dream". A life, a boy sent here through me and his dad to be Austin Enrique McGehee. So thank God for the courage to let go, to be redirected, to know and trust that like it had before, the pain that broke me was letting in the very light that made me shine again and gave me strength to become a mother. The hardest job in the world and yet the best!! I thought I had accomplished all my dreams and even exceeded what I had dreamt but as usual God had more, much more than I could ever imagine. He is the sweetest most loving soul. His smile, his dad's, is contagiuous and his wonder infectious.
It is beyond a delight to see him discover the world. You should see the way he stares at his hands as he finally acquires control. Or the way he proudly props up what was considered by his pediatrician, a head that is too big. Be it so he is a magical soul discovering this world and we are his guides. He is greatest, most profound teacher as every day he challenges us to stay in the moment and be present to the miracle that he and life are and to try as best as we can to love the now. I can honestly say that I have been tested the most as I have wanted nothing more than to protect him at all cost. I've surrendered to God after drowning in fear and trying to take my fiance with me. His fragile being provided me with a fragile mindset and yet when I watched him thrive in the NICU at one week old I realized exactly what a resilient soul I was being blessed with.
So as we continue our journey I admit to many a faults that becoming his mother have brought out in me and yet every step of the way there has been a beacon of light in the form of an earthbound angel. It begins with his co creator and dad Travis to Ruth Py. I would like to leave this blog expressing gratitude for all who have helped along the way of this incredible broken dream. ;-) Ondrea for all the clothes, my mom and Travis' mom for all the unsolicited advice, which was ultimately in my son's best interest, everyone who came to the baby shower, everyone who wished us well everywhere this crazy blessing called the internet allowed them to and anyone who I am forgetting the best part is God knows what you did. If there was one wish from me to you is to help make your journey easier as you transition to mom so you can LIVE in the blessing of what a gift it is to become one. So here are some of those angels in many forms that made this uncharted territory oh so much easier. Please allow yourself the time to get lost on these sites and I ask you to do what I felt I failed at this time but won't next time. Ask for help because it truly takes a village! May your broken dream gift you the life of your dreams!
Austin's only all natural baby store and where I discovered how to treat my son's colic naturally! https://www.facebook.com/TheNaturalBabyCompanyAustinTX?fref=ts
The BEST doula in the world! ;) She guided us as we put our son on a raw milk formula, best decision ever! http://www.doularuth.com
HERE'S TO BROKEN DREAMS! THANK YOU LOS ANGELES FOR BREAKING ME OPEN AND SHINING THE LIGHT THAT GUIDED ME TO MY FAMILY!!! Merci Los Angeles, for being the angel that lead me HOME!
