the art of being

Love as I see it.

2012-02-13T08:26:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is the day that makes some people so excited to receive it and unwrap its gifts and the same day that causes some stress. My sister owns a flower shop,Mercedes Flowers,
in Austin. I assume she may be one of the stressed ones. ;-) I am a sucker for love. Always have been. I was the little girl that watched Beauty and the Beast and dreamt of the day I would wear that yellow dress and dance with my beast. If you have seen the film you know once he let his light shine he wasn't a beast at all. I mean pre end transformation. Things are never quite what they seem. ;-) Yes I saw it when it was re released this year. ;-)

You could say I was born to love. I believe we all are. From the moment we arrive we receive it as we are held with love in the arms of our parents. I do realize not everyone has that gift upon arrival and that certain upbringings can make love confusing. What it is, how to give it, receive it etc.? I have been on a journey to understand love as I see it since then and continue to be on it now. What I saw growing up and assumed was love is not my understanding of love now. I have so much faith in there being a plan for all of us if we can have the patience to let it unfold that I have come to clearly understand that what is meant to happen no one can stop from happening and what is not you can't for the life of you force to happen. Quite frankly who wants to force love? Let's face it at one point or another we all may have. ;-) That is what I believe can cause confusion of what love is. Advertisers, movies and songs can have you believing that love should be fought for. That you should make someone see you and that it should hurt.

If that was love then I would sit it out but I have had the fortune of living a life full of wonderful journeys that have taught me otherwise. I had been thinking about my ex a lot yesterday as he broke up with me two days before Valentine's a few years back. We tried to stay friends but there was too much pain still present. We aren't friends now as we were before we were a couple but I did reach out to him to let him know how grateful I was that he had loved me enough to let me go. Whether he was aware of that or not that is ultimately what he did. He set me free so I could find the love I deserved and in the process gifted himself the same. There's no point in hashing the past but it was clear how incompatible we were. It was like MTV dating PBS. ;-) Whether he knew it or not he did what one of my favorite love songs (when you love a woman) suggests, "Give her wings when she needs to fly," and that is what I see as love. The ability to let someone go and wish them well.

Is it always what you want or easy? Maybe not but for me if you love someone, anyone- friend, family, lover and you want their happiness you set them free and in doing so you allow so much for yourself. You allow the ultimate kind of love to exist, unconditional. Tomorrow may be sold as a couple's day but I don't believe that for one bit. If we are love, were created in love and born to love then why would we limit it to love between two people in a romantic sense? To me tomorrow and everyday for that matter is about love for yourself and therefore everyone. Don't get me wrong. I am a sucker for a great love song and I happen to be hooked on my pandora Celine Dion station where all the best love songs play. Yes of course I dream of the day someone can look into my eyes see me and love me as this song says "Just they way you are." Everyone deserves to have someone see that in them. Life is too short to be asked to be someone else. Hold out for this and you will live no conditions in love.

But if like me tomorrow no one is sending you roses, candy or cards may I suggest opening your eyes to all the love that is already around instead of focusing on what is not in your life. Cheryl Richardson suggested buying cards and writing "you are loved" on them and putting them on strangers cars on their windshield, in a book at the library etc. When I go to my p.o. box I will try to insert some there. Get creative! Like me I hope you are able to see that yes while having someone hold you close that loves you just the way you are is an AMAZING feeling it is not the only way to love. Love is all around. You have friends? You are loved! That is just one example and the ways to see it are endless. I hope tomorrow and always you can open your heart to the possibilities of how it can and does show up in your life! I hope you love yourself enough to accept only unconditional love and nothing else. I hope when you look up, outside, within and all around you see it in you, in the sunrise, in your breath, a strangers timely helping hand, a friend's smile, a child laughter, your car that takes you places, the roof over your head and then some. Love as I see it is your ability to be grateful for what is and now what we are sold should be. A new day is always waiting to shine light into the darkness if you allow it to. I hope you do! Happy LOVE day...and year! <3

The art of balancing.

2012-02-04T09:41:00.001-08:00

I am fascinated by my body's ability to communicate with me. It was in doing this morning's yoga workout dvd that I realized how off balance I am. I wasn't completely shocked. I have been in the dance studio non-stop dancing my way through the storm of loss while preparing the closing of my documentary and it's not the pirouettes or split in the air I can't do, it's keeping my balance. When I began to practice the Russian split as soon as I came down from it I would fall to my knees. Lack of balance. Within a week I stopped falling. When I began doing the complicated quick turns that have me going in and out of God's (my teacher's- you'll see) arms I would loose my balance entirely. I would get very frustrated with myself and the lessons began to show themselves.

I remember after one rehearsal turning the camera off and apologizing to my teacher for being a disappointment, his expression reminded me that if it's "hysterical" it's historical, meaning nothing to do with the present. I never forgot the ridicule my American of Dramatic Arts teacher put me through in the middle of the entire class as she grabbed my chair in the middle of the room slammed it down and said "I can't hear you." Pre-therapy and Al Anon of course. I was twenty-one. I remember leaving the room shocked and calling my private acting coach crying saying this wasn't how she was going to get the best out of me. I passed the final exam in that class with flying colors. She had paired me up with the shyest girl in class and I was shy too so she doomed us. So she thought. When the exam took place and the titanic began to sink I strapped on my life vest, what little tools I had then, jumped ship and swam to shore. Basically I improvised my way through the scene saving both her and I as best as I could then. In part thanks to my classmate John Schaffer whose words after the ridicule in class I will never forget, "If she didn't see potential in you she wouldn't talk to you that way."

That's what is happening now and when I apologized to my teacher he looked at me in disbelief. I told him I was disappointed in myself and that was when I saw another lesson reveal itself once again. I am learning to be less hard on myself...yet again. It was in that apology that I realized as I spoke those words that I was speaking from the committee. Everyone but me who has ever been hard on my acting, dancing, producing etc. Honestly how could I expect myself to have perfect balance after years of not dancing this way but simply keeping a dance class routine schedule. Nothing outside the ordinary. Did I think I would dance the way I did when I was in training full time as a child? That would be a pretty high expectation! After all aren't I the one who tells others an expectation is a pre meditated resentment? It applies to me too.

Ahhhh...and breathe. The answer lies in the balancing. I haven't for a while been balancing in my life like I would like to think I have and it's okay. The most important thing is awareness and the ability to make a change. This yoga workout this morning from my friend Mandy's dvd, Yogalosophy, which I highly recommend if you want your body to grow, kicked my butt. Why? Lack of balance. I threw myself back into it and dancing without the proper breathing to help me balance. Lack of proper breathing in my life lets me forget that all this loss takes time to heal and all the emotions it brought shouldn't be gone overnight. By the way I should mention her yoga philosophy is toning and breathing so it is not your typical class. Although I do feel no yoga class is easy as people may think. My teacher Patrice at Creekside Wellness in Topanga Canyon also kicks my body's butt. Why? Again, balance. I can't throw myself into things without working my way slowly into them and epxect perfection. Yes I have the main tool, a body with willingness and flexibility but I can't expect myself to be Mandy, Patrice or Jerry (my dance teacher) when it comes my capabilities as I am starting all over again. I am not in constant practice like them.

Why? Well you guessed it. I was off balance and God and the universe saw it and catapulted me into a change in my life where every action is a metaphor for the balance I have had to learn to strike. My life went from being an independent woman who lived alone for eleven years to having to share space with different friends and finally a roommate overnight. In every scenario I got to practice the art of balance. When to give them their space, when to have a voice and claim mine so I am not a doormat and when to let go. Same goes for my body. When do I push it beyond what I believe it can do, when do I rest and when do I let go? I am learning all this and will always be a work in progress. My life is about progress not perfection.

I have my moments when I forget that but when I make the choice I return to my center by taking a hike, going to a meeting or seeking solace in dance I remember it all. All my tools are there for me to not only learn the art of balancing with but to learn letting go, trusting, forgiving, believing in the unseen and many more things as long as I can keep my heart open to the signals my body sends, which I am seeing are metaphors for my life. I will go into the dance studio today hoping for and working for balance by centering myself in my core and enlongating my spine. I will expect nothing but what I can give today seeking progress not perfection. I will take that as a blessing realizing that where I am is exactly where I should be in order to GROW in the direction of the miracle my body, my core, my faith in conjunction with God and the universe are producing through my body for my life. I will do as Emerson suggested, "Adopt the pace of nature, her secret is patience" and patiently live my way from off balance to balance through the lessons I am receiving right on time. God's time, because as I am learning, I AM WORTH IT! Should life cross our paths I hope you can dance with me to whatever rhythm we both embody and I hope we can learn to from each other the art of balance and where happiness truly stems from, within.

And when we are done dancing won't you breathe with me? It's just the beginning of a magical year!

Lean on me, my road to recovery.

2012-02-01T16:15:00.000-08:00

I've had a rough past couple of days, which actually consisted of me getting sick. Sick in a way I hadn't been in a long time and something that I am blessed enough to know was due to the fact that I wasn't taking care of myself. When some sort of boundary isn't being drawn by me and I allow myself to be in a situation that is not the best for me my body lets me know. I have been able to make the connection thanks to a program that as of January, I have been a member of for ten years. A program which through out the years has given me the tools to face all I have been facing.

It was in walking into the room on Sunday where this program meeting takes place and after throwing up repeatedly Saturday night and having to go to a friend's to have her take care of me that I realized how blessed I am to a member of Al Anon. Ten years ago I walked into those rooms because a bad relationship where I put myself last led me there. Ten years later after not being consistent with my meetings for the past couple of months and after forgetting to take care of myself by not drawing a boundary I walked in to find myself grateful for the past ten years and my growth. Most of all for my ability to recognize when I am not taking care of myself. While sitting there I was able to see how much I have grown thanks to this program.

Ten years ago I walked in devastated because I couldn't make a man and relationship what I wanted it and him to be. Ten years later I walked in sad at my circumstance but not devastated. I walked in with a knowledge I didn't have then, all is as it should be. As I sat there Sunday I not only saw how much I've grown but how much I continue to learn. When I was twenty-five not making a man what I wanted seemed like the end of the world and now at thirty-five loosing my dad, friend, home, film and commercial are a very sad circumstance but all part of the plan as I see it. A plan that yes sometimes I wish I could change but a plan these rooms have taught me to trust. In that trust lies the magic that is born of the unknown by choosing to stay present.

It was in coming here and being told about a God of my understanding that my relationship with God became what is today. Like most people who believe I have no definite answer on what God is or where it is but what I do know is that I have come to understand that God is within me, with me at all times and whatever I believe it to be. So for me God is unconditional love, life, everything beautiful and what helps me get through everything that is not so beautiful and yet still in some ways beautiful because out of that darkness comes an appreciation for light. Being raised Catholic introduced me to God. Becoming a member of al anon gave me a God of my understanding.

Having a God of my understanding is one of the greatest gifts ever! One that as I trace back I see what I have come to have a clear understanding of, in due time of all my circumstances, death aside, lead to something and are as they should be. If that man I had wanted to change had not called glued to his car window after another drunk night for me to come get him and if I had not gone to get him I wouldn't have hit the rock bottom I did while I washed his dirty boxers at the hospital. A moment that made me realize that I deserved more and a moment that led to me finally accepting I needed help. I needed to walk back into the room I had walked into once before at nineteen guided by a friend but, which I left as it left me feeling confused and I was unwilling to admit I had a problem. So I left after one meeting. My "problem" is labeled as perfectionism and co dependency to such an extent you put yourself in the situation I did just to feel love, any kind of love. Oh my what time and the winds of change bring. The woman I am today is so not the young girl I once was willing to look everywhere but within for love and yet I owe the woman I have become to her.

I was able to reflect upon all that today and sit in gratitude for my road to recovery. A place where I currently reside and where God is not only unconditional love for myself and others but my constant companion. This God of my understanding is the light shed in many ways through songs, a timed phrase, others, a stunning sunrise, rainbow etc. on this planet. Recovery allowed me to see that and many other great things like how to let go and let God and how to draw a circle around myself and know that anything outside of that is none of my business. A tool I am currently using to forgive myself. I am realizing that while I express sadness and joy among other emotions I struggle with anger and guilt.

That is where I am today. A recovered perfectionist no longer co dependent but still growing through guilt and anger. I have immense gratitude for everyone I sit alongside in those rooms wherever I may find myself from Malibu to Silverlake. In them I found myself. In being able to lean on them when I was a newcomer I was able to find my voice. A voice that had always been there but that had been silenced by the committee, i.e. anyone and everyone but me. I consider all the beautiful souls I share that sacred space with the healers who helped make me the woman I am today and I am eternally grateful to Lois and Bill for being so brave in a time when image was everything.

I am not perfect. I do not want to be. I just want to be me. I hope you find someone (s) who allow you to lean on them and in the process grant you the art of being YOU!

P.S. the healers of the past year and then some are some of the most extraordinary people I have ever crossed paths with. Can't wait for you to see them dance in the storm with me. They have SHOWN me LOVE. Talk about it, be it and above all LOVE YOURSELF! You are God's UNIQUE creation, need more reason than that? I didn't think so. Love is all around! Open your heart! <3

HAPPY TENTH AL ANON BIRTHDAY TO ME! As we say in our closing prayer, "keep coming back, it works if you work it and YOU ARE WORTH IT!"

In different directions we grow. A love letter.

2012-01-28T10:14:00.000-08:00

Since December 21,2011 I have spent my time doing something I never thought I would and I never had, couch surfing. Well one was a guest room so guest room surfing as well. I am always fascinated by what God does to teach me the most amazing lessons where my faith and courage grow. With the passings came re affirmations of what truly matters in life. Reminders in the heaviest of ways of that, which I already knew but could forget. Now is all I have, tomorrow is not promised so be present in the gift that is today! Then came the lesson about letting go of what I thought would be and allowing space for what could be. An even bigger better dream. Tough considering I was immensely passionate about the project and it showed in all my efforts to make it work until making it work meant disrespecting myself.

In letting go I realized it was also about learning to take care of myself even if that means others are going to have a very unflattering perception of me and call my actions evil to my own friends. It is in being called evil that I realize who I really am, where I came from, how hard I have worked to get to where I am and that I will not tolerate anyone disrespecting me, my work or the work of those I hired. The proof is in your own words, which you shared with me and my production saw so if you feel the need to reach out to them because I have made you look evil please have peace of mind that I don't impose my beliefs on anyone nor do I consider you evil. In a lot of pain yes, evil not at all. It is your own words that my Executive Producer and production team saw where they draw upon to create their OWN perception.

I wish you the ability to grow in a different direction where the love you desire and is best suited for you resides and awaits you. I can understand you seeking solace and love in my friends as I have the most amazing loyal friends. I have earned them as life gives to you what you give to it. I live in an infinite circle of love. I wish the same for you.

Thank you once again for being one of my greatest teachers and reminding me to be grateful for growing in a different direction than yours. Off in a new direction I grow, one where dancing takes place because we couldn't walk the same path. They crossed, winded, narrowed and I was detoured onto a different path. I will continue to love myself and my decision no matter what you still are perceiving and trying to make others perceive. What a wonderful lesson you have taught me in learning to let go of what others perceive of me. Believe me in the direction my magical life is headed I can already hear them talking and considering people see the world as they are not as it is people will speak of what they would do in the situation not what I have or will do.

That path which I arrived at by accepting the detour is currently teaching me so much. I am growing and being a gypsy is kicking my butt! I always believe whether we can see it or not life is preparing us for what is to come. It is truly out for our best interest and sometimes when we can't make the leap of faith on our own we are catapulted to do it, pushed off a cliff so to speak like I was. I have never lived out of suitcases for more than two weeks and guess what I have learned that I can. I have never taken a road trip and had to compromise making sure both parties were content at all times and guess what I did it. That trip gave me some of the greatest gifts life can. I conquered a fear I was unaware I would have to as the roads got really windy and narrow and visibility wasn't great so let's talk about a metaphor for my life. I had to put all the trust in the world in God's hands. I would love to say I did it entirely gracefully but I didn't. After all I was responsible for another human being as well and it never stopped raining. I had no option but to drive through the storm and it was amazing! Pulling over and letting others by who were more comfortable going fast taught me to accept my pace and have patience with myself as I was navigating unknown territory on these roads. When the weather got so bad at night time and visibility was practically impossible I made the call to stop and rest even if financially it would make a dent. I would rather make the drive in the morning when I could see and live to tell others about it. ;-)

It truly is amazing to see the parallels to my life. In this current journey I am learning who my true friends are and whom it's okay to let go of and grow in different directions. I have learned, as hard it may have been, that some friends can't help when you are down. I fell pretty hard yet it was in the falling that I found so much. All the things people spend a life time trying to decipher or acquire I have them. The knowledge that what matters most is who will swing open the door to their home and welcome you when you have nowhere to go is the greatest gift. It is in the fall that I have not only been stripped of a lot and been asked to return to my foundation and start a new but it also is where I learned that it all boils down to one four letter word, LOVE. Love is the way, where the answer lies and in the end what gets you by. Love for others, from others and for yourself and most of all in my case for LIFE!

I owned a lot and now I own what I feel I need but when I visit my storage I feel like I kept too much, even after five trips to Goodwill. I kept the basics and I found a new way of living. It's taken some adapting to and perhaps the biggest lesson has been love for oneself. Knowing my worth and what I deserve has made it not easy but easier to accept the circumstance and ask for help. Something I have never been big on so yes I see that God and the universe took me to a place where I had no choice but to ask for help. Some of the answers have broken my already broken yet healing heart and some have shown me that when push comes to shove some people have more love within them then they led on and some less than their words spoke of. It's so true that when people show you who they are and where they are in life you should believe them. In my opinion send them love, let them go and grow in a different direction where the love you deserve resides and awaits you perhaps it will exceed your expectations like it always does mine.

I am getting through all this one day at a time and have found a new home. It's temporary but it is in a part of Los Angeles that ironically has always felt like Austin, where my birth family is now. An easy going, no one cares what you look like or do feeling kinda town. It's close to where I take my hikes and visit the stars. Within walking distant actually and after eleven years of living alone I am about to find out what sharing space is like once again. I grew up being the youngest of seven so talk about sharing space. In meeting my new roommate who will remain anonymous I realized God is so wise and always in the details crossing my path yet again right on time with someone who is lighting the way and who informed me that I am lighting theirs.

The direction I choose to grow in while facing the circumstance is up to me. What was never an option was to shrivel up in a corner, curse life and give up. Giving up was never an option. Resting until I conjured up the energy to get up and find a way through the darkness always was and as I was resting this song surfaced to light the dark hallway I am currently residing in till the door swings open to the magical what next that is brewing. Upon hearing it I realized that once more God was speaking to me and had sent a healer my way. I see this as I won't give up on LIFE. I have been given the gift of absorbing this song so much magic is being born as I take it as a conversation between me and God. God acknowledging what it sees in my eyes and showing me exactly who I am by giving me the courage to not be a victim of circumstance but the rainbow born because of rainstorm. Hail included. Thank you for giving me my space to doubt God. I love you. I am you! I AM STILL LOOKING UP AND WITHIN. <3

To all my AMAZING healers who have reached out their hand to help lift me up while I struggle to stand like a new born calf learning the steps of life all over again I say THANK YOU! Pamela, wow, the depth of your love has astounded me, Michael you are not only one of the funniest men I know you are LOVE, Danielle, Jon and Cienna thanks for sharing your space en route to that amazing faith building roadtrip, Bev I have no words and all I can think of is I sure as hell have done something right, Areli what a way to grow in patience, taking a road trip with me, ;-) Merci! Paris awaits you young lady, Jerry our time together in the dance studio is oxygen to my tired lungs and blood pumping into my healing heart- TE ADORO!, and YOU to you Adriana wow kiddo (as Neil would call you) you freaking did it and are doing it! In gratitude you are dancing your way through the storm allowing yourself to grow in a different direction. Without my friends I know I could do it but it would have been a lot harder so this one is for you and your AMAZING ways! I WANT TO THANK YOU! God what can I say all knowing, ;-) you humble me and make me so proud to be your daughter, I AM GRATEFUL! I thank you for my current journey, its growth spurt and your unconditional LOVE for me clearly shown in so many ways. <3 You are the greatest love of all!

The gift born of crossing paths with strangers.

2012-01-23T12:47:00.000-08:00

I often wonder as I am sure some of you do about past lives and what we are here to do this time around to truly be of service not only to others and the planet but ourselves as well. I believe this is about not only healing others but yourself too. For me everyday it becomes more and more clear what I am to learn not only perhaps in this current journey brought upon by life changing circumstances but in my entire existence here, however long it may last. I know for sure that there are certain people I feel so connected to as if I'd known them before and some people so similar to me it feels like we were created from the same mold and sent on our way only to find ourselves here once more. Then there are the people who cross your path and for that moment are a stranger. In my case recently I've crossed paths with life changing strangers.

Exactly a month ago today I packed my bags and headed home for Texas. That day the journey began. Then I thought I knew what I was going to do. I was going to take thirty days and move away from Los Angeles. I was going to be close enough to come when I needed but far enough to heal the two deaths in the past year and loosing my home, commercial and film in one month. I tried to get to Cardiff by the Sea, Ventura and Encinitas. None of the renters were able to do a one month rental. What I wanted was about to exceeded yet again by where God needed me. Within a week I met the women who inspired "And She Danced". Crystal looked into my eyes the day I left all my important belongings at Bev's while I visited her coffee shop and asked "Do you believe in God?" I replied "Yes" and then began a conversation which started with her mentioning the light in my eyes. As we proceeded to speak I could clearly hear God. In that moment I thought nothing other than God is reaffirming my belief in its existence.

However when I crossed paths with a woman who would like to remain anonymous but who was one of the renters it became clear. Another "strangers" story too similar to mine. I began buying what I needed and listening to no one other than these two women, a few others and my gut. I heard people say, "do you have the right lighting?", "do you have a crew/audio/etc...." and all I heard was follow your heart. This can be told with passion. It made it easier to ignore the comments of what film school and other methods have told people is necessary to achieve a dream and further propelling them into the SOMEDAY phase simply because I had been here before and now it was time to trust with the tools I began to acquire six years ago when I did my first production.

My life is not only my teacher it is also my art. It's what gives birth to my productions and if I don't pay attention and follow signs I miss out. So no matter how hard some days are I put one foot in front of the other and head towards the life of my dreams as it SLOWLY but SURELY unfolds before my eyes. This current birthing of art was inspired by all the loss, these two women, the light and many others however everyday it is up to me to follow the inspiration. Some days I cry a lot. More than I'd like to because yet again I am sacrificing a lot and yet in those tears I find solace as I know that those tears are because I am gifted the strength to move forward. A gift I choose to open everyday as best as I can. Some days I just take the bow off but not the wrapping paper and on those days I allow myself to relax into the space where I need to be in that moment and so I cry some more.

Yesterday was one of those days and it was on my hike that I was reassured I am on the right path for me in ways that truly can only make sense to me. It is hard for me right now to talk to some people, which is why I have chosen to keep this current journey as close to my heart as possible. Love guides me there simply because what I want for myself I want for others, dreams unfolding before their eyes for them too. Though these days what some envisioned for me and what happened is nowhere near what they hoped for and so it is best for me to keep their worries at bay. I am grateful for the timing of many things which assure me of my path and guide me through the unknown. Calls like the one today from Crystal calling to see how I am coming along. Songs like the ones that accompany in my car lighting the dark roads of the California Highway. Who knew up north it got that narrow. Thank God I didn't or I wouldn't have gone. There are the fears I set out to do and then there are the fears I had no idea I would have to conquer.

I am grateful for the journey crossing paths with strangers has taken me on. Most of all I am grateful for the push I got when I lost three things in one month. I am learning just how ready I am to face circumstances beyond my control and for all the years of my life that have led me here I am grateful. The tools of circumstance are really the most amazing thing to have in reserve for moments like the ones I am living. Some days can be quite sad and full of emotions and I step into them knowing that as I do they are passing and time will bring the light once more. To these talented brothers below I say THANK YOU for lighting my way and helping me find solace in your words and voices. I know lady light is always with me. I know you help me stay above the ground through so many and in so many ways and for my awareness I am grateful!

And She Danced. Life after loss.

2012-01-15T19:21:00.000-08:00

There are the dreams I hold in my heart and then there are the dreams God has in store for me, which come quickly into my life and unfold before my eyes. Quickly because it is born a lot faster than the ones I've kept for years but a dream that would not be born without detours and because of adversity. For years I wanted to do a documentary and held all the research and books in my office. What I didn't know is that the day would come when the documentary would be born but not on the subject matter I had researched. I found the files while I moved and boxed them up putting yet another dream away and into storage. However I kept the book I had read on documentaries with me. As I began to cross paths with people who shared similar stories of loss the dream God had intended for me began to become clear.

I was to tell a story but not the one I tried so hard for two years to tell from the heart of another. I was to tell the story that was born because I could not make that one work. I was to share my loss with others and in the process unite humanity once more through art. I am not ready to share all the details but I am ready to share the gratitude. You told me that until I respected the Bearer of the fruit I would do nothing original and would always seek the work of others as mine. You either denied yourself the truth or failed to do the research on my past work as my first production was something I conceived from an all too familiar detoured route reminiscent of this one which taught me that sometimes God has to push me off the cliff, in this case through loss, to allow me to see that my wings can spread farther than I dreamt and I can soar far beyond my imagination which was confined to bear fruit.

I have you to thank for the height of my soaring and the ability to find gratitude in all my loss and turn it into art. Perhaps if you hadn't told me all you did I wouldn't have allowed the detour and the road it led to, to unfold its magic before my eyes. I have a dream. A new one. One born perhaps not overnight but whose clear signs made it seem quick. Once understood I began to dance once more with God and the universe as I always intend to. I thank you for voicing your opinion on my work, the concerns about three actors not having credit and our dp not having any credits that you liked. I thank you for dissecting my work in such a way that allowed me to accept my worth and to know when to draw a boundary and walk away. I thank you most of all for allowing me to let go of the rhythm you desired I danced to. Therefore gifting me with the ability to take the loss of the film, my commercial, my home, Neil and my dad and allow myself the courage to dance in the rain because in that rain I discovered the dream God had intended for me. In the storm laid the answer to the what next I tried so hard for two years to make happen. In surrendering came the gift of returning to my foundation and learning once more to hear the music of my heart.

I lost my dad, Neil, my home, my Honda commercial, and the film all in a little over a year and yet I danced. I ventured into new territory where the steps I have always counted on to guide me to the tempo I memorized for years no longer worked. A new dance is being born. A dance so beautiful I can not wait till the time comes when the healing is not only seen by me and those involved but you too. I thank you for giving me the greatest gift of all while you tried to destroy me with your words, A VOICE. A voice so loud and clear it's the voice of many and so I DANCE!

This is where the road led and continues to unfold.

For now I must go and continue working on a dream. With all the love in the world sent your way I hope you are working on your dream too. Life is too short for anything else! Never forgetting these words, "I am the MASTER of my fate. I am the CAPTAIN of my soul, I partner with God and the universe once more to allow them to gift me with the courage to soldier on and dance my way into a life after loss that exceeds my expectations. I thank you for making me the woman I choose to be. Most of all I thank you for giving me my wings back and allowing me to fly towards my destiny.

On my way....

2011-12-31T06:56:00.001-08:00

As 2011 comes to a close it has become so clear to me what "Off to see the world" means to me. Often I get signs and I am clear in that moment of what they are pointing to and sometimes it takes a little while for them to become clear. I am passionate about one thing, uniting humanity. Something obviously I am sure selling cars through an ad would not have accomplished. Its in times like that I realize God really has my back, knows me better than anyone and well decided that because it loves me so much it had to send me on my way.

The way being one that once again lines up with my principles and beliefs. What is being born of this current transition is really more than I dreamt once again. A week ago I told a handful of friends to keep me in their prayers and gave them an idea of what I was going to be doing for the next month. I tend to only tell people I trust will not talk me out of it or think me crazy. At least not to my face. ;-) All I really need right now is unconditional love and prayers, light, or whatever they believe will fill me with the strength, faith and courage to begin yet again another journey through uncharted territory.

As I've been in Texas and a little prior to leaving Los Angeles I began to see one thing was happening. I was crossing paths with "strangers" who had stories to share with me not much unlike mine. At first I thought it God's way of telling me I was not alone but sure enough in due time it became clear what I was to do and the what next everyone questions began to unfold before my eyes. It is something only completely clear to me and something that is going to require a lot of faith but I am certain that once again I am on MY way. Not the way I solely want but the way were God and I can co create yet again the life of my dreams, a life with purpose where my art and my passion for humanity blend together once more. Should I cross paths with you "I would like to reach out my hand. I would like to hold my little hand" in yours. Thank you God for giving me the awareness to commence 2012 in an Entirely New Direction and allow this new era to send me on my way. I am IMMENSELY GRATEFUL for the magic that is unfolding before my eyes.

Time to DANCE and only you know what that fully means. I like it that way. <3

I thought I knew....

2011-12-28T09:03:00.000-08:00

I thought I knew what was important in life and that I abided by those beliefs. While I did, this year has taught me even more what truly matters. When Neil passed I remember sitting in my office and wanting to throw everything at the walls, thinking none of this matters. It was my anger wanting to express itself. That was just the beginning of this roller coaster past year and one of the toughest of my life yet also something that had to happen to allow me to arrive at my current destination, wide open spaces, the home of ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES. "Now she won't be coming back with the rest. If these are life's lessons she'll take this test."

What helped tremendously was music! Of one thing I am certain, I was born to dance. I hear music and that is the first thing my body guided by my soul is inclined to do. Music has tremendous healing power. It made 2011's constant detours danceable and as January started with the passing of my father it taught me that I can in due time GROW "A little bit stronger. Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger." Something February brought with it and it gave me the courage to return to therapy.

As March approached the sun began to make its way back into my life and as April brought its showers with it I was rescued in through the words of a friend and heard Neil and my dad once again.

And as the year proceeded to present me with amazing character building lessons I was reminded to breathe by more friends and their gifts which they shared with me, my film and the world.

It was in breathing that I gathered the strength to fly once more. Yet it was in the flying that I realized I wasn't quite ready to soar as I intended to. Perhaps to what needed attention was the direction of my flight. I learned the detour was to allow me to go in the direction of my dreams yet again. The ones that scare me because they are so GRAND yet the ones all these detours were obviously informing me it was time to LIVE!

While I took to resting once again I eventually rose from what I was returned to, my foundation. In words others tried to make me them with their projections and in and through LOVE I made the decision to rise even if I had to "against" the wind. I don't ever truly believe anything is against us. <3

And when I was brought down to my knees once again..."But there's just something so STRONG (God) somewhere inside me. I am down but I will get up again! I AM NOT TAKING MY BOW. YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME."

Time brought with it the light, which shined brighter than the sun. It was the balsam of 2011, which always slowly yet powerfully shed light in the current darkness. "Who am I to tell FATE where its supposed to go?"

Eventually with patience, time and loving care I allowed my path to lead me to a place where the streets where unknown to me. My current destination where my heart breathes once more and a new era commences.

And as I arrived there I realized I was beginning to feel alive again after these constant detours because God was with me every step of the way! My constant companion whom I could never give up because I know He/She, lover of its creations, would NOT give up on me. It actually relied on me to get it, where the detours were guiding, so I could live the LIFE OF MY DREAMS and so the new chapter begins. I need not know what you are exactly! All I need to know is that I see you, feel you, hear you and I am you. Knowing that you are ALWAYS with me in one way or another, through a song, a "chance" encounter, a timely word, is all I need to rely on you. I see you in my heart everyday. You truly are magical! Unseen to the eye but seen to the OPEN heart.

It was that faith that allowed me to accept that I continue to grow only if I allow myself to falter and accept what is because it is in that acceptance some label defeat that I was able to allow God to raise me up to more than I can be! To what God not only has prepared me for but knows I deserve. The time has come to claim that new era. I hear you! Three times in a row, three different artists on Pandora reminding me you raise me up!

So with all these songs as my companions I leave 2011 and enter a new life where all I have dreamed of and more awaits. I walk away with immense gratitude for this partial list of healers and for their ability through their gift to allow me to give birth to mine. To allow me to let go of what I thought I knew and grow towards what I was created to gift the world with. To follow the detoured path to my DESTINY! Most of all I walk away with the greatest gift of all, finding "LOVE in a "hopeless" place"! May LOVE be your constant companion shedding light while you steer your way through the tunnels into the BRIGHTEST light of all, your DREAM becoming your REALITY! Let's dance in the rain!

Till we cross paths again your in God's hands. I love you. <3

The journey back to my wings!

2011-12-20T20:52:00.000-08:00

It's been quite the past few weeks and it's finally over. Tomorrow as I head to my last audition before heading to Texas for Christmas I close the door on this era figuratively and literally. I will leave my keys on the counter say one final prayer of gratitude for all this beautiful home gifted me for the past eleven years, open the door and step into the unknown. A friend reminded me recently in her words that there is a lot of world to see outside my door so as usual I am going to wait for the sign and allow God and the universe to guide into the what next. Standing in the hallway means the next few weeks may get a little dark but I am no stranger to the darkness and I am also no stranger to the flashlights that appear on time to shed light through the unknown through their words and actions.

I can definitely say that last night as I heard the following song my heart filled with hope.

The lyrics ignited such a fire of hope within me reminding me of all I have yet to live and am about to live. Of all the signs have been pointing to. I know I say it often but its truly magical. I had to "loose" it ALL to gain this and I would do it all over again just as I had to in order to get to where I am going. A place where the streets are new to me, where the sun will rise, and my heart will breathe again. I will smile and laugh like I always have and more. I am ready, I claimed it, I created it and I will embrace it all. The time has come. I have made my journey back to my wings. I leave the weight of the past where it belongs and go forth and prosper. I will live my dreams and then some. I leave room for God to exceed my expectations and I am open to what life has for me. I AM HOPE!

I am so grateful for the ability to learn what truly matters on this journey back to my wings. I am grateful for every thing this past brought and took. I am grateful for my tears, my cries, my laughs, my disapppoinments, my hopes, my dreams, my detours, my love for myself, my love for life and you and my ability to never stop believing that the reason behind every journey and its lessons does eventually reveal itself. I feel the sunlight on my face again. I will embrace it, I will no longer fear that it will disappear too soon. I will simply enjoy it while its present. I will stay present. I am ready. I am ready!!!

Off to see the world I go as there is quite a lot of world to see. I travel lighter now as LOVE is all I need. I travel through and into the unknown to face myself, God, the universe and its magic. I fly. I fly because I believe I can and because you have faith in me. I will soar once more. I will let Neil, my dad and other angels be the air that lifts me beyond my expectations. I will be the woman I came to be. I will dream aloud everyday more and more. I will share with you like I always have this journey back to my wings. It's time. Once again I can fly so off I go........

God this one if for you! Thank you for doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. Thank you for giving me the strength and faith to take the leap of faith. Thank you for the light and its timing. I AM BLESSED! I AM GRATEFUL! I AM READY! MY WINGS ARE BACK! "I get wings to fly, I'm alive!" Show me your world! I am ready for you here on Earth through the light. I deserve it. I am worthy. ;-) THANK YOU FOR CALLING ON ME AND TRUSTING ME SO MUCH!

The treasures of my past. The gifts born of the present.

2011-12-17T19:43:00.000-08:00

There is such sweet taste in a perfectly timed song, email or any sort of blessing that I call a God shot, which comes to reaffirm what you believe in your darkest hour. It was Joseph Campbell that said "The dark night of the soul comes just before revelation. When everything is lost, and all seems darkness, then comes the new life and all that is needed." My mentor of my first production shared those words and I brought them to life as what had been a really dark time brought a beautiful dawn. I wish I could say that I never look to the past but I believe it is human to do so. What I work hard at doing is not staying there overnight. A quick visit brings with it what is necessary and than I depart with gratitude as I did today after recalling the words of Paul Cotter as he quoted Mr. Campbell. I speak names as I am at peace with the past. Nice to know the love I feel now is so different. Hope you are at peace with our past too. I truly do.

The past has been very present for almost the last thirty days because I have been packing it up. As I type this I am staring at it and multi tasking. You would too if the double feature tonight in your house was Pride and Prejudice followed by The Notebook. Thank you Oxygen. I may still have to pack and you tube while I type in between commercial breaks but I can do it all. Actually that has been something that I have been working hard as well to understand I don't have to be, my own hero twenty-four seven. This "abrupt" change i.e. move has provided me the opportunity to be well less stubborn. Trust me I know I am. Sometimes it's good and sometimes not so good. I told Jake to forget it that I would dismantle my bed on my own today. Luckily he didn't listen to me and came over anyway. As he worked I looked at him and realized I will miss going over to ask him for a favor, or how he is, or who he's dating. Maybe chat about Gaby our friend and his client and her latest success. I will miss going next door. He is one of the coolest guys I know. A treasure of my past/present, ten years and counting, for sure. He's like a brother and in eachother we found the family that distance has not allowed us to be near. Ladies this is him working hard today. He's lovely and single. Just saying. After this he may kick me but hey I would love to see him happily in love.

As he worked he posed a question that triggered so much for me. He asked "If you have to move why not move back home?" Home. As I answered him in complete honesty I finished by saying, "I am home." I know that change scares people and change that you did not take the initiative on scares them more. Me, well this is the kind of change I have come to understand is done to help you move towards and into what you deserve but were too scared to take the leap of faith. I guess I didn't realize I was until thirty days go. Those almost thirty days have brought such great teachers with lessons that reminded me why sometimes I want to head towards wide open spaces and have room for big mistakes but at least know I tried to live for me and my heart while being aware that my actions have a chain reaction. That has been a treasure of my past that reappeared to show me how far I've come and have yet to go.

I can honestly say some encounters teach me how not be mean or rude and respond with what I was given. They are teachers of patience whose lessons come in the choice of words spoken by others. I do know nothing is personal but when those who I am bound to by blood express themselves as if I am to hold value based on things I don't believe in than I can definitely say it's PATIENCE I am to learn....yet again...still..after all these years. ;-) Instead of a tatoo I opted to change it whenever it feels right to do so to accompany my current lesson.

Right now would be a good time to express gratitude to my old self for allowing me to defend myself without anger or hatred simply my view. A view so unlike those whose words seemed insensitive and one I always try hard not to impose on anyone while expressing it.

I've packed up pictures, all sorts of belongings which allowed me to rediscover some treasures all while I laughed and cried. Mostly laughed at this, which is so surreal in a way. I used to kiss his pin goodnight when I was like 32. Just kidding, 12.

After I packed that up I packed this up and was reminded of all the fun Paul Jones gifted me with in our short time together. I love creative made gifts. You can't buy me. ;-) He stole my heart with this. The sixth New Kid who now finds himself in a box with his band mates.

The treasures of packing are endless. Pictures of me and my former bestfriend. We were bestfriends for fourteen years up until a year ago when our paths diverged and we chose different routes but memories of all we have lived came rushing back as I stared at pictures. She was twenty-seven when we met and I was nineteen. She has two beautiful children now and lives in a world so different than the one I chose. I am so grateful for all we lived and will forever hold her and our fun, goofy times together in my heart. I have no doubt she does too. She, Paul (Rodriguez- I know too many Paul's!) and many others are now boxed up and it gives me such joy to look up and see how well I was able to embrace the treasures of my past and let a lot of them go. Danielle and Cienna helped me pack. Okay more like Cienna cried, she's seven months, and Danielle and I packed and Danielle was so surprised at how easy it was for me to let go of things that reminded me people, places and things that I am well aware will prevent me from moving forward into what I deserve. Even cds with pictures were thrown out. Into the recycle bin of course. ;-)

There are so many gifts being born of this present I don't want to block their arrival with the weight of my past, figuratively and literally, being carried by me. I realize that for those who love me this transition is scary. Some aren't close enough to see its magic unfold and quite frankly maybe only I can see the magic in this darkness. After all I am the one walking this tunnel. No one else. I trust it. All of it. Some days its hard simply because I am tired but I still trust. I believe whole heartily that when you do then you are ensuring yourself that MAGIC will show up. That miracles will appear on time which is why this gift of my present from Jessica was a timely God sent text reaffirming my faith in miracles.

Then of course there are the gifts of all the friends who have volunteered to show up and help. Bev, Pamela, Danielle, Cienna, Jake, Ruben, James and Areli have done so much in such a brief period that I can without a doubt say God has my back and sent in its angels. Then there is the friend whose timely words never fail to put a smile on my face when I feel like just for that moment I may not have it in me. Whose light shines my light so that I can keep going and keep doing what I am doing while I find my way yet again through this....

One who sees me as I see me and reminds me that it is more than okay for me to believe in the miracle I am living my way into, which even if I can not see it yet I trust is unfolding before my eyes right on time, just in time, God's time. The day their words gave me strength to move forward I got in the car with Zoey and headed to our annual girl's night Christmas Celebration at the Grove and the following song came on the radio. It reminded me of how far I come and how "I never said I was a victim of circumstance" but I do claim to continue to be a dreamer and follow them despite them not being what others had hoped for me. That I do take credit for because well it's my life and in my view of that life the manifestation of my dreams exceeds them. <3

Perhaps what scares some the most is that while I am not certain where I will land after this leap of faith prompted by God and the universe and accepted by yours truly I trust the net will appear and I will land where I have to in order to continue to live in the moment, live my dreams and manifest my destiny. Wherever I need to be for this new era that is being born I will be. To the treasures of my past, which packing lightly has allowed me revisit I am grateful for the past thirty-five years. You were ALL so good to me and I wouldn't change a thing! No regrets. To the gifts of the present thank you for choosing to keep living in the moment with me. To be so good to me and to allow me to show up as I am. A flying acrobat coming in for a landing sometime soon hoping for a perfect one but knowing if it isn't you'll catch me if I fall. What a Christmas gift you all are. May your past allow you to see what a gift today, this Christmas and every breath of every moment is. Happy Holidays! LIVE for this moment! Thank you for reminding me that with peace in my mind and soul I AM ALREADY HOME! <3

On God's time.

2011-12-15T17:54:00.000-08:00

There are so many valuable lessons that I am grateful to be aware of everyday but the most significant one these days is that of the magic born in allowing things to unfold on God's time. Unlike my sibling and other family members, whose decision I respect, I chose to mourn the loss of my father. Part of the process was coming face to face with a lot of information. The "truth" was revealed in his passing. When I was little I was haunted by these lyrics, "a man can tell a thousand lies", and everytime I saw the video I thought of my father. Reading the lyrics as an adult was truly eerie as it is my father as I perceived him.

"I was not ready for the fall. I know where beauty lives. I've seen it once, I know the warm she gives. The light that you could never see. It shines inside, you can't take that from me." "If I ran away I wouldn't have the strength to go very far." So I didn't. I faced my reality instead.

I believe it a waste of time to sit here and tell you about all the lies and his mistakes so I have no secrets to tell. Quite frankly we'd be here all day and into the next. He was a soul who no matter how he tried he just couldn't get it right. I am not even sure he tried. Only he knows that. He led a very complicated life, which was a reflection of his very complicated childhood. One I wish upon no one and one unfortunately he passed on as he journeyed through life. People are what they know and do as they know if they don't find a way to break a pattern. This is the part where I am usually reminded by someone that he was the evil. I will give you this, the man was sick and needed help. Help he did not get but he still needed to exist in order for me to exist this time around as Adriana Garza. I am after all my father's daughter. It took more than just one person and God and the universe for me to come into existence. While I am well aware of this I am also well aware of the pain he caused many. He had twelve children and died alone with only one speaking to him at the time so as you can see he did unto himself as he had done to others.

While he was not in my life I had forgiven him and had a lovely chat with him about it. One of the most difficult things in my life yet a definite answered prayer. Little did I know that conversation would pale in comparison to what I choose to do this past weekend. It had taken me twenty-four years to be able to GENUINELY forgive him. When he passed in January I tried to get to his funeral. To go see his other kids. To find some sort of closure. None of it was unfolding. I pushed and eventually surrendered to God and the ways of the universe trusting that it just wasn't time.

This past weekend as I visited family in Mexico effortlessly a dream I held in my heart came to life. I met his daughter, the only one speaking to him, at his old apartment where he passed and she gave me some of his ashes. Holding my father in my hand that way was one of the most surreal experiences ever. I never really truly knew if I'd see him again but when I dreamt that I would it was never as ashes in my hand and yet I trust God's plan. I starred at him and asked her questions. I asked her if he had shared delight with her about speaking to me a few years back. I asked when he was born. How he was found dead. What he wore. Where my three younger sisters are. How old their mom is and in all these questions I confirmed rumors and finally got to see my father through his daughter's eyes. One that had been a part of his life.

Some truth is harsh and holds no comfort so for me it all came down to what I truly believe is so crucial in this existence, FORGIVENESS. I simply can not be angry. It just isn't part of me organically so why force myself to feel that which I don;t and that which consumes those I care for deeply whose words try to sway me into their anger. Only he will know the "truth" to a lot but I will always be grateful that he chose my mom and that together they gave me the gift of life. I am grateful that aside from some physical resemblance, my eyes, I am nothing like him. I am in awe of what a miracle that is. I truly am nothing like him. Yet I love him. I wish deeply that I could have loved him back to health but if my thirty-five years have taught me anything it's that you can't help those who don't want to help themselves. Some things simply are what they are.

I shall seek no more. I have been led to the destination of this journey that for thirty-five years I held within, the search for my father. All is as it should be. I will let him go be light wherever he is now and I will go on and shine mine here with you. I will tell his grandchildren the truth about him as I perceive it. He did not receive love and therefore could not be love. That he chose to be a victim of circumstance and that I did not which is why I crossed paths with their father but that it took a lot of work. I will marry the man I know my father, his life and the journey it led me on prepared me for. I will marry unconditional love that is present and available to create and guide ours. I will join in union with what I deserve and all that my father could not give, on God's time. Till God's time arrives I will reside in the heart of the matter, Forgiveness. "You keep carrying that anger it will eat you up inside."
Dios te acompane siempre papa, Te quiero! Nana. ;-)

P.S. Dad I know it wasn't personal. Thanks for what is unfolding. MAGIC. May God hold you close now. Goodbye. It's time to let go. It's time to LIVE in LOVE and RESIDE there, where I deserve to. It's time to wake up to my life again and break my pattern! I trust you understand.

Calling all my angels.

2011-12-07T08:06:00.000-08:00

I am tired to say the least. I woke this morning feeling like I wanted someone else to do all I have to get done by the twenty-first. Not unlike any other day I have a headache and bodyache. The latter is due to the huge entertainment center I moved on my own yesterday. Probably the couches too and all the boxes, tvs etc. One thing is certain I own too much for one person. So it's been a great cleansing process. Sure the timing isn't that great but as usual it's always God's time. I am certain no matter how hard today may make it to hold on to this belief, that great magical things are being born of this transition, I still BELIEVE.

Yesterday morning I had the opportunity to take a walk. I have to allow myself somedays. Today I have to take all my treasures i.e. awards, gowns, Hepburn memorabilia, press originals etc. to their new home so I can walk or blog. Blog it is. However yesterday on my walk I decided to listen to something other than Buble's Christmas album, which I am currently obsessed with. His rendition of "All I want for Christmas is you", is AMAZING. So melancholic and romantic. Anyway yesterday as I walked my neighbohood for what is one of the last times and conversed with God while admiring the beauty of nature I realized I needed something so relaxing and reassuring. A break from all the sixteens years of my life that are being put into boxes, given to Goodwill, sold to Amoeba, etc. I needed my angels to guide me and so they did.

As I walked I listened to an amazing song which reassured me that all is as it should be. Is it as I want? Absolutely not. I wanted to go to San Francisco all year, planned it twice and finally would with the Honda ad only to have that and my home gone within the same week. I want to be able to look forward to my family's posada in Mexico as I am attending for the first time this week and yet all I can think of is all I have to when I return. I want to be able to look forward to Christmas at home but I know that it will consist of questions already being asked of me everyday denying me the opportunity to live my way into the answers and trying to force answers out of me on their time.

So I must breathe, let go, surrender to what is and not what I wish was and remember that no matter what this appears like to ANYONE, God is with me every minute of every hour of every day and if I have the capacity to move beyond these aches it is because God grants me the strength to weather the storm and promises me the rainbow will so be worth it. I have lived this before. Not quite so much loss in one year alone but all this means is the space I have created is IMMENSE and so will be the gifts born of my faith. I am rebuilding from my foundation and looking forward to bringing my quote of the day to life, "The old woman I shall become will be quite different from the woman I am now. Another I is beginning."

Till I reach my destination I soldier on with friends and angels guiding the way. For them as usual I am beyond grateful! I remember that this too shall pass and that every problem has a solution and I am finding them as best as I can everyday while remaining open to the miracles I am being prepared for and that is why some answers take time. ;-) I blog to speak from the heart not to sell anything to anyone. I blog to let you know that like you I feel all kinds of emotions, so for today I ask for your prayers. Please send me all the love you can to help me continue to gather the strength I need to move forward. For now as usual I have to get going about my day trusting that my angels are answering my call. There is magic in my circumstances and I am open to receiving. Most of all I am open to God's time! This is the gift that kept me present in my walk yesterday. May you stay present to the gift that is TODAY.

P.S. Please don't worry for me. It's interesting to see some of my friend's reaction to when I am tired. All of us get tired. Having faith does not mean not processing emotion. I do not and will not deny myself the feelings that come with my transition but I will also not be a victim of them. I will simply, acknowledge, process them and move forward. Without human emotion there is no human connection and I love knowing that I AM YOU!

Traveling light thru the unknown.

2011-12-02T13:16:00.001-08:00

Just when I thought I had done enough work this year in the practice of surrendering and letting go I was asked to dig deeper, actually tear down completely, return to my foundation and rebuild. This was something I have fond memories of as I did this as well in 2004. It started then and the path it was leading to became apparent in 2006. Its journey there consisted of me spending the summer of 2005 in bed morning the loss of my grandfather which was preceded by the loss of my first therapist, Janet. One of the classiest women I ever crossed paths with. I remember so vividly the day in September of 2005 when I decided I had enough of just laying in bed. I exclaimed to God and the universe this week I will book a commercial. I did. I booked the Bank of America spot. My last residual commercial to air. UNICEF did not pay nor would I accept money and as we all know Burger King, Dodge and Reddi Wip did not air. This is the last time I type that story because a new one is commencing!

I did this to myself. What I mean is I asked for it. I didn't ask for Neil or my dad to go into another realm and that loss is different that what I am talk about when I say letting go. I did however ask after Neil's passing last year that I be guided elsewhere as I am tired of the scenery of where I live. I am grateful for it and its beautiful but I knew a change needed to take place. Neil's passing reminded of what is truly important and how in one instance everything can change so DRASTICALLY. So when I spoke it I claimed it. All of it! From continuing to struggle to get a commercial that airs and brings in residuals to moving. I didn't expect this move to be so abrupt and sudden but if I really look at all that is happening it isn't. Sure I have to be out by the 21st but I asked for this in October of 2010. Twice I was given the opportunity to go and I refused to take it so when I didn't do what was meant for me the universe guided by God did it for me right on time.

It was followed by booking a big Honda commercial which shot up North and then within five days and the eve of my 35th I got the call that Honda pulled my spot from the campaign. I could hear the sadness in my agent's voice as most people know of all the loss I have endured this year. As soon as I got off the phone I was at a loss for words. The packed suitcase in my trunk for the day after San Diego would stay there. There would be no need to rush back and catch a flight. There would still be one paycheck as I was officially hired but yet again residuals were gone. We make our money based on how much a commercial airs. This campaign was big to say the least. I guess the beauty in the mess is that I booked it and they made me work for it. They kept me for two hours at the final call and made me audition three times. We usually audition once, get a callback, get put on avail or are booked. I auditioned once, got a callback, got a second callback, was there for two hours, was put on avail an hour after leaving and was hired by the next evening. I considered a gift born of the space the loss of my home had created. I began to mentally plan what this meant I could do in January etc.

Within five days that plan fell apart. So I guess that old saying about wanting to make God laugh then we should make plans is true. However I don't believe for one minute that God is laughing. God is simply protecting me as I believe rejection is protection. In any area of our life. With awareness we can see this and that is one gift born of my journeys that I am most grateful for, awareness. I know there is a plan here and it has been echoed in the words of my friends. I was so afraid of telling everyone as I thought they would pity me and not be able to see what is happening and while they all believe the circumstance isn't the most pleasant it is what it is and their words warmed my somewhat broken heart. After all how much loss do I need for what is arriving? Apparently a lot. ;-)

I was so surprised by what Vince said to me as he is like my brother and Cole like my sister. She was the first person I told and that gave me the courage to tell Vince I would not be heading out to San Francisco the next day after all. He replied, "You more than anyone know everything happens for a reason." I smiled and then got teary eyed and we continued to talk. I told him I just wanted to leave everything behind and go to Paris and he told me not to go crazy. Such an older brother thing to say. Can't help but wonder what Neil would say. Then I told Danielle, Bev, Mary Queen, Areli, Manny, Suzette, Ruben and my mom.

Some didn't have words either and some said exactly what I needed to hear. Mary Queen spoke such beautiful words about what our time together has meant to her since we met in 2006 and how the way I handle things has influenced her as she navigates her twenties. Danielle told me as I cried that I knew what was happening and that just as there was this much loss there would be this much magic. Suzette said some of the most profound words as I sat across from her and Manny in Little Italy's Flippi's and tears filled my eyes, "It's just a fucking Honda commercial." Such powerful words that prompted feelings of what is truly important to come flooding in. Feelings I promised myself I would keep after Neil's passing. When your world is shaken like that you realize what matters and it is up to me to never forget. It is just a commercial. Loosing my film, my home, and everything else is as it should be. It's just stuff. Unlike Neil and my father I AM HERE. I am meant to be here and GROW through this and so I will. I choose it as much as it has chosen me.

Sitting next to Ruben last night at the theater watching his son, who played my son in my film Coelho's The Experimental Witch" I couldn't help but get teary eyed as he not only played my father in Bearing Fruit, he is a father figure to me. An AMAZING one. He always seems to know what to say. He told me how he hadn't replied to my email about choosing to walk away from my production because he wanted to tell me face to face that he was in my corner. He went on to say the most beautiful things that I will keep between me, him and God and the universe. After I said goodbye to his wife and son he walked me to my car and said to me, "Tread lightly. Big things are coming for you. I am in your corner."

I couldn't help but cry at that point and he then told me to tell him if I needed help moving. I would if I knew where I was going which is why his final words were so poignant. Areli walked into my apartment one day and exclaimed sell it all. I wanted to but I had excuses. That's my Burger King bed and dresser. I bought that with money from my accomplishments. My office furniture was bought when I started Adriana Garza Productions and it was expensive. I won't get much for it. I had looked at storage and after hearing Ruben's words I made a decision, to SELL IT ALL. Needless to say my place looks like a warehouse and I've gone around taking pictures of all the beauty it brought into my life before packing it or selling it.

I had decided to sell about fifty percent but now I am doing to do what I wanted to all along but didn't think I could, go forth and tread light. I don't need things, I need LOVE. I have it. I have the most EXTRAORDINARY friends. I wish you could meet them all. I have no words for how blessed I am in that department. So things will all go. I whole heartily believe IT IS NO COINCIDENCE this is all happening as I turn thirty-five. I know this kind of rebuilding happens every so often to help guide you to what you deserve. While I may not know exactly where I will be January 1, 2012 when I return from Christmas back home I do know where all this is ultimately leading. I have to say I never saw myself there or would have dreamt of it but seeing how life is unfolding and now at this age it makes absolute sense. The signs are pretty blatant but perhaps it's something only someone like me who lives by the signs and my God compass can fully understand which is why I make the decision to keep it to myself.

I will leave you with what I have learned the most. Loss serves a purpose. Butterflies die within two weeks. They do all that work and metamorphosis and within two weeks its over but they come back again and again are extraordinarily BEAUTIFUL. STUNNING! I believe we do the same expect unlike them we live longer and choose to let the circumstance give birth to beauty (the light) or pity (the darkness). I am going to have to say based on past experiences that I am about to birth a light so bright I'm not even going to believe what unfolds before my eyes and I am pretty faithful. I say goodbye to Honda, my home, Bearing Fruit and most of my possessions in order to give way to my rebirth. I am choosing to travel light and focus on LOVE and GRATITUDE. What a life these first thirty-five were and I can't wait to see what awaits me. Thru the unknown and to my destiny I head off. In the words the song in my car spoke last night as I bid farewell to Ruben, "This year (2012) is going to be incredible. This year the planets will align." And yet there is no rush. Just God's time. While we may wear different watches I welcome God's time for the gifts it brings make the dreams in my heart pale in comparison.

These are a few things that will travel with me. They deserve too. May your journey be filled with lessons that make you grateful for every breath.

This first one I recommend you always carry with you.

A miracle born of my self love. He wanted me to be someone else. I wanted to be me. Our path together ended and he put me on the road to Rome. Forever grateful that I learned to expect the unexpected.

Where my heart resides. With the children of the world.

What I must always remember in order to receive it. Good thing I can write this anywhere. ;-)

To remind me who I was is always who I am no matter what. That my essence is me. And that I can be girlie and kick ASS too!

Most important love of all! Never forget respect and miracles are born of it. Thanks Kris Haldane for gifting such beauty while I was in my twenties. It will continue with me.

To remind me what was born of the last time I tore down and rebuilt from my foundation. The tiny medal in the middle is the President's Volunteer Service Award. Never knew such a thing existed. ;-)

For my new home and new journey. I ran into while out getting moving boxes. SIGN! Great "rules" to live by. The tiny box is a space cleansing kit. See you soon!

Claiming my DESTINY through adversity!

2011-11-29T09:08:00.000-08:00

There could be no more perfectly fitting words than the ones written above to mark my 35th year of existence. This has been quite the journey to say the least. While some people in my industry hide their age I shout it in gratitude for being blessed with another year to enjoy, decipher, and let go of this beautiful existence called life. Today I intend to celebrate this new beginning in the best of ways in the company of some of the most beautiful souls I have ever crossed paths with. However my story began long before I ever dreamt of tonight. Quite frankly I couldn't of come with today's birthday gift that was solely God and the universe expressing their love for me. Yet again a dream beyond my expectations to mark and celebrate this new beginning.

My story began in Brownsville, Texas in the early morning of November 29, 1976. I was born early so I was tiny. My mom tells me that I fit from her palm to her elbow and that I was all shades of purple. She held me tight and kept rubbing me trying to get my circulation going. She was in a difficult part of her life and while I was the light born of the darkness it was a trying time for her and my father who eventually parted ways. I was told he came to the hospital was displeased that it was another girl and left. I never got to ask him if that was true or not but it's besides the point because what has become very clear to me on this journey of my life is that I am God's child, intended to be here, and I AM LOVED.

There is proof of that all around me. I choose to focus on that. I choose to make today a day not unlike any other of GRATITUDE but also a day of forgiveness, compassion, love, and faith. A day that reminds me how blessed I am to be here. I have birthday wishes I have been keeping between, me and God and the universe so that when they happen I can once again say, "Wowzers I can never truly get over not only the fact that you hear me but the magic that is born of that communication." This morning I woke to a different prayer than I had envisioned and yet I know it is all part of God's plan. Last night I got a call with yet again another loss. Just when I though enough space had been cleared I was asked to let go once more of something. I cried a little with Areli, then we laughed and in the end concluded that what is arriving and entering thru this mass space I have created is extremely magical!

A magic only I can truly comprehend as this has been a journey walked solely by me in my own shoes. A journey of loss and gain, of fear and doubt ultimately giving way to the light and faith. A journey of confusion and clarity ultimately teaching me that without one the other does not exist. It's like my daily word expresses today on my birthday "I may not be able to see around each bend but I know I will be led to the right destination." So with that thought in mind I am claiming my destiny. I am stepping thru the unknown into the magic and claiming all I have worked hard for, to understand I am worthy of and most of all deserve. It's in signs like this birthday poem posted on my facebook wall by my middle school friend Kim that I find confirmation to that which my gut is telling me.

Drum sounds rise on the air,
And with them my HEART.
A voice inside the beat says,
I KNOW YOU ARE TIRED,
BUT come. This IS the way! Rumi

I told Kim I would email her about its timing and how it brought tears to my eyes. It was confirming that no matter how hard last night's call was it is THE WAY. Afterall I've met the wizard and defied gravity thanks to that encounter, which brought me the one of the biggest lessons of all, I love myself above all because as she says "If this is LOVE it comes at much too high a cost!"

I was brought down to my knees last October with the call about Neil thinking I had lived all I could take only to encounter more loss as 2011 arrived and learn as she says, "This is far from over. You haven't seen the last of me. They can say that I won't stay around but I'm gonna stand my ground. You're not gonna stop me. You don't know me you don't know who I am. Don't count me out so fast. I've been brought down to my knees. I've been pushed way past the point of breaking but I CAN TAKE IT. THERE WILL BE NO FADE OUT. THIS IS NOT THE END."

It's a new beginning where it is crucial that I continue to pay attention to the signs and follow them to my destiny. To claim what God and the universe have conjured up for me. I may need to get away for a while but trust me it won't be too long before I am back again with something so grand and so beautiful it will blow all of us away. I have a gut instinct of where my God compass is leading me in this new beginning and in the end all I have is gratitude. So for today, all my years, the magic born of them, my amazing friends, my amazing family, timing, faith, courage, strength, love, compassion, doubt, fear, the dark, the light and everything single thing from my fingers that are typing this right now to my legs that give me the ability to let go through dance I AM GRATEFUL! The list is endless and I am looking forward to another thirty-five, God willing more, years of living on this Planet I call home. I am so humbled by your love for me God. I am not sure what you are protecting me from just yet and I know I will live my way into the answer about last night's call but for today I say YOU ARE THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL and I am honored to be your child and grateful for EVERYONE you have thought me worthy of crossing paths with. This one is for you and all your creations. "You've been so kind and generous, I don't know how you keep on giving. For your kindness I am in debt to you. For your selflessness my ADMIRATION. For everything you've done you know I'm bound to thank you!"

One last thing. I wish I may I wish I might. It's in my heart being held tight. But you already know. ;-) HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! I AM LOVED!

Embracing and letting go the gifts of my past.

2011-11-25T19:23:00.000-08:00

If there is anything great about having to move abruptly after eleven years it's the ability to rediscover the woman I once was who gave way to the woman I am today. I decided to create even more space than that which circumstance has asked me to by getting rid of at least half of what I own. I did end up booking the commercial I spoke about in the prior blog so now I have to travel three times in December barely allowing me anytime to pack and move as I have a deadline to be out by since my place has been promised to someone else. So after taking one last look at my home the way it has been for most of my twenties I decided to start packing the past and head towards my new beginning. As I began to pack my books my twenties came rushing back. It was truly amazing to see how far I've come.

I found the most amazing books that have remained unopened in so long all they do is collect dust on my bookshelf. I rediscovered all the authors that helped me navigate the turbulent waters of my twenties from Don Miguel Ruiz to Wayne Dyer to Deepak Chopra to perhaps the most freeing, Sark. In her books she encourages you to color outside the line, lay in bed and be free. As I perused all the books memories came rushing back of sitting at my favorite restaurant in Malibu, in the same spot I did for years devouring words of hope from many. Years some called a waste and years that I believe gave birth to the woman I am today. All these authors along with four years of intense therapy gave way to my rebirth and to becoming not only a woman comfortable in the skin I am in but also a woman in love with herself as one of the book titles suggested.

After reading my notes and highlighted areas I made the decision to let them go. In doing so not only would I be saying goodbye to the past but I would allow them to become the gift in someone else's life that they had been in mind. Sure at first I struggled to put them in the giveaway box but I would tell myself okay one for the box one to keep and soon enough it became easier and more went into the giveaway box. It started to reveal within me the importance of letting go of the past in order to live my way into the answers and the what next. To acknowledge, love and most of all be GRATEFUL for all that guided me to where I am today but to let it go so the new beginning can commence. This meant letting go of books that ex lovers had brought into my life. Would it be possible to say goodbye to the Alchemist and The Witch of Portobello? Or to bid Kundera's Unbearable lightness of Being a fond farewell and ask him to take Murakami and Auster with him. Surprisingly it was so easy. Even two years ago it might have seemed like such a task to let the man who introduced me to those brilliant writers go but I am beyond grateful that alchemy, witches, love affairs, magicians, and feeding from hand to mouth no longer played a role in my life.

This by no means that they weren't amazing when they did but I am no longer a woman in search of love. I am a woman in love with myself, who is loved and who lives in such a different place now. As I bid farewell to all those great writers and great memories I arrived at a portion of my bookshelf where I would not be willing to let go. Perhaps it's because I am an old soul, have been here before and all these kinds of books remind me of beautiful times but one thing is certain old hardcover books discovered at my favorite book shop on Main St. in Ventura are staying with me. There is something so profound to me about a book that was published in 1923 and dedicated to someone in 1949 like my copy of Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet. It holds a story of the lives it touched before it did mine. So The Prophet, Dr. Zhivago, Wuthering Heights, Introduction to Aristotle, Churchill and the Shroud are all staying with me. Especially the Essays of Ralph Waldo Emerson. My 1944 copy that once belonged to Mrs. Edyth Teeses is falling apart so I let no one near the book which holds more hope in its words than anything else I have ever read.

They'll remind me of the beautiful times I drove there to discover not how to loose myself in a book in order to find myself but how to just be present to what once was in someone's imagination. To be present to their art. That is what I am choosing to do now more than ever. Be present to this new beginning. To not fear it, its direction, the light, and most of all its rapid ascend towards magic and beauty. To know all I have lived has been exactly as it had to be in order for me to be able to be present today and unwrap the gift that is my life, which is magically and mysteriously unfolding before my eyes. It's full of synchronicity and magical whispers of what is without speaking words to eachother yet knowing fully the universe is speaking. It's guiding, it's saying it's time to move into the next level. To claim and most of all accept what I deserve. So thank God for the treasures that now sit in boxes. Thank God for all the men, women, and children who have crossed my paths and led me here to today to this circumstance where once again I must let go of all I have known (which means letting go of sixteen years worth of belongings too) in order to live what I have yet to know but have always desired.

As my week progressed my daily calendar kept speaking to me like it did Wednesday when the quote of the day read this below.

It is so clear to me and it became so transparent when I lost my home that this new beginning meant leaving an era with grace and gratitude while holding the hand of God to the new era where LOVE and all I deserve and have worked for will cross my path. May you be able to see the gift that it is to let go and surrender in order to allow God and the universe to bestow their magic upon you. May you never be a victim of circumstance but a receiver of its gifts. May you be blessed to allow your past to guide you towards your Northern Sky and embrace its magic. ;-)

Version two beautiful to miss. ;-) 2:54 "I never felt magic crazy as this."

Trusting the process as it leads to my NEW BEGINNING!

2011-11-22T07:05:00.000-08:00

It's happened yet again in the most unexpected yet blessed of ways! My prayer has been answered. Once again I have to let go in the grandest of ways. There is no other way to do it when God and the universe are behind it brewing up something so grand and magical that everything you have known and life as you know it has to be let go in order to allow the new beginning to commence. Just when I thought I had "lost" everything I was shown there was one more thing I had to let go off in order to proceed through the unknown into the magic God and the universe have finally finished preparing me for. While the hit may have come at an awkward time, three days before Thanksgiving and a week before my thirty-fifth, there are way too many signs pointing to its Godly timed arrival like this one here. This is what my calendar read yesterday and precisely what I have been manifesting and blogged about recently. Love is all around and while I was asked to let go big time of my home of ten years I was being reminded as I stared on the calendar on my desk that all is as it should be.

I awoke at 4am today. Change will do that to you. This one has brought mixed feelings but is really not that unexpected. I have been wanting to move for a year now feeling an urge to go somewhere out of Los Angeles but not too far. What I dedicate my life to, indie productions, doesn't have to be based here but I did sign with a phenomenal agency this year and I know the new beginning includes them so I have to be near by. A year ago I wanted to pack what I needed, sell what I didn't and move. I was jolted by Neil's abrupt passing and I wanted to run. I wanted to hurry and do what I feared I may not get a chance to if I didn't start that minute. I slowly began to recover and stay in faith even if I struggled. I found my way back to my belief that miracles are born of faith, patience and the ability to read signs. Signs which are coming at me left and right.

I had told my mom yesterday that I needed to get to SAG and deal with some things because everything inside me was telling me to as I was going to book my callback. I have a second callback today and I'm on avail. At this point all the signs are still pointing where my gut told me. This booking will help guide me towards my new beginning. As I lay in bed this morning and cried with excitement and sadness I spoke with God and said "I need to hear its voice. Just to comfort me please. To know its with me because I feel it close." I flipped the channel and there it was comforting me. It was closer than I thought. I cried as I lay my tired body in my bed. I was in awe of God's timing as I always am and humbled by its magic.

All this change that has been taking me on quite the ride this year has been leading me somewhere beyond my expectations. I've sensed it and seen some of it already unfold but it never seizes to amaze me! I see God in it. That is how I know God exists. For every circumstance that is out of my control there are hundreds of grandiose gifts born of it but the only way for me to see those gifts is to let go and trust the process. Gifts of immense love! My life is pretty freaking magical right now I have no idea what to do. Run and tell everyone? Unlikely, I always speak cryptically. ;-) Go outside my door and start singing glory glory hallelujah. Unlikely, in my pj's and with my hair like this, bedhead, I am certain they'll think I lost it. ;-) So instead I'll do what I have always done. I'll let you see for yourself as it unfolds before your eyes too. Have a seat though because as I get ready to pack my bags, literally, and fill my suitcase of life with faith, courage, strength, hope and most of all God's guidance I am certain that my destination, unknown to you- known to my gut, is going to blow all of us away.

What I want to make clear is that if I had not had the ability to see every "loss" as necessary I would not be living my way into this fairytale ending here on Planet Earth. They're not just fantasies left to desired for someday or other lifetime. Fairtytales can be lived here if we are willing to also accept life on life's terms and balance them out. One gives way to the other. I told Bev yesterday what I have felt for a while now. I voiced that I believe my dad is giving me so much LOVE in so many forms, under God's guidance, to make up for all he couldn't do and didn't have the capacity to do. That my life is coming full circle. That bearing the cross of his loss, Neil's loss, my old agency, my latest production and now my home all in one year is because I deserve more. Neil and him excluded. That kind of loss is inexplicable and I still want Neil back on the field in the game. He was taken out too soon and somedays like yesterday I still cry uncontrollably while accepting I can't bring him back onto the playing field.

However you and I, we are here. We get one more day to LIVE! So I will. I will take the unexpected call that arrived yesterday with the signs and buy my ticket to my next destination while letting go of the need to be the train conductor. I know there will be some dark tunnels in the coming weeks but you should see that light at the end of those tunnels. I can't lie I know where I am headed. It's magical. How it will unfold only God and the universe know but I have accepted this final "loss" aka clearing of space to allow this new beginning to commence. I AM READY! To say the least. After all I have been manifesting this for thirty-five years, a thousand years, many life times, a little over two and all of the above. This can only make sense to me and maybe one other person.

As I turned the page of the daily calendar this morning I read this.

So with gratitude embodying me I head off towards destination "UNKNOWN". See you there. I'll be the one with a HUGE smile on my face. The one I wore on at my GLAMOUR award ceremony and on the red carpet in Rome. One I have come accustomed to wearing on my face after life on life's terms gives way to it. May you have the courage to know when to let go and live your way into your magical new beginning. Like me I hope you can dance your way there too! Now if I only had a drum to bang on like the one in this video. It's exactly a week before my thirty-fifth and today I raise my glass to God and the universe, THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME COURAGE TO ACCEPT YOUR LOVE! IT'S TIME LET GO AND LET YOU SHOW ME WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN BREWING! I AM HUMBLED! "Everything is screaming I think it's time we let go!"

P.S. You are all invited to a Holiday packing party. Bring your holiday cheer, some tape and a willingness to dance while you pack up the past with me. ;-)

All you need IS Love!

2011-11-16T12:42:00.000-08:00

As I headed to an early audition this morning I had a beautiful flashback courtesy of my ipod which brought so many memories rushing back. Songs like this one play for many reasons. Most of all I am old school and part of me doesn't want to get with the times. I want to continue going to Amoeba and buying things myself. I want to take all my treasures home and download stuff myself from the cds. I know some of us still buy cds. Recycled of course, which is what Amoeba is known for. I have been blessed to have them sponsor my work. In 2009 they sponsored The Art of Being financially and generously donated all the cast gift bags thanks to the amazing Chris Carmena. So as the following song made its way into my car tears and a smile took over. They were tears of gratitude for his love and the love of many others involved with The Art of Being. (Click here to see original video.
It is AMAZING but I can't embed it.)

I keep seeing 2006 in everything from videos like "Unwritten" and "Suddenly I see" being played on VH1 to the songs my ipod selects while on shuffle and I have feeling it's to remind me that no matter what I endured and lived through the last almost six years, I have always been loved. To me love isn't about making someone what you want or getting what you want from someone. It's about accepting them as is and what they have the capacity to give. Same goes for circumstances. It's not about getting what we want, it's about accepting what is and having gratitude and love for it. It's about being able to see the blessings in the what is. As 2011 closes and 2006 reappears I can see so many things so clearly but most of all I can see that all I need IS Love!

What I take from all I have lived is not what has happened that I did not envision happening, which took me down a detoured road where heartache was temporarily my companion. What I see is all the people that crossed my path to help me down those roads. The list is endless! One thing is certain everyone came into my life when they did with LOVE. It may have been their idea of love and sometimes it wasn't unconditional but it was LOVE. If you haven't already noticed I'm cheesy and totally okay with it, so I can't help but get teary eyed when I think of all the LOVE I have been given. I used to sit in my dining area, which as the years passed actually got turned into a home office and listen to Love's Divine on repeat thinking "How I am going to pull this off?" "How am I going to survive a year starting off this way?" A year that consisted of two commercials being on hold and potentially not airing (loosing residuals/financing for play) and with a play ready to go but no financing to do it.

The answer then lied in the same place it lies right now, LOVE. Having the faith to know I am loved produces me to move forward trusting I am being taken care of and in that blind faith commences the magic of the universe. God and the universe take care of crossing my paths with love like they always have. It's astonishing to witness what happens when I put all my faith in them knowing they will show up through someone right on time. It never fails. From the simplest thing like an unexpected gift from GLAMOUR when I was hoping for it (Lovestruck perfume) to winning a car when mine had been paid off and broke down the week of, to the phone call from the therapist informing me I had been accepted weeks prior to availability for a session, as I balled my eyes out hoping praying for a miracle. Timing is everything! Ability to see love and be love is up to me.

At a brunch once my friend Josh questioned what being love was. I remember my heart longing to speak but being too shy to. I remember thinking LOVE is GOD, GOD is LOVE. I have a plaque that says that in my dressing area, in pink of course. ;-) Meaning whatever action we take that could benefit another expecting nothing in return other than the feeling you derive, is an action in love so by taking such an action we are then connected to God and therefore are being God and in touch with the unseen force. That is my humble opinion based on my experiences. Experiences which have been AMAZING. I wish I had the time to tell you in detail about Rome, the film festival and its magic!! I will share that the production company in Italy which held the competition did not provide anyone who attended the premiere of the film with anything. So if you wanted to attend its premiere in Rome you had to do so on your own. Same was for the festival itself. I remember thinking, "How can I not attend my own film's premiere?" Of course as usual LOVE showed up in the form of Bev who wanted to share the experience with me as she had lived the journey to it with me. She knew my then boyfriend and all that had happened, which led to the miracle of my film, meeting my then favorite author and finally the premiere. So she made the trip possible and we lived it up in Rome for a week.

Stories like these are endless! Love from a friend, from a stranger, from the universe I believe are ultimately GOD. That stranger that pulled over to help you with your flat tire, LOVE aka GOD. The person that kept you too long and made you late somewhere but ultimately as you saw right on time, GOD. Maybe it's just me but I see all the ways in, which GOD and LOVE show up everyday and I am in awe. I want to be the same and give in the same way I am being given! I can only pray I do. My friend Areli just found out I donated the all the proceeds of the tour of my play in 07' and questioned, All of it? You took nothing? Financially I took nothing but the rewards were endless and beyond the car. What I did felt exactly like what I needed to do. Give what I had been given. Could I have made better business decisions? To others the answer would be yes. To me it is still no. What would I have learned if I had done the opposite? The lesson came as it had to and if I was asked to do it over, I would do it all EXACTLY as I did. This is what was born of that LOVE, a behind the scenes look at TAOB. We did the curtain call to Love's Divine as a tribute to what had given me the courage to follow my heart and with the hopes of leaving the audience with one final inspiration to LOVE themselves just as they were created. My favorite man makes an appearance. You'll see what I mean in the opening shot.

So as I reflect on my miracles born of faith journeys courtesy of my ipod and VH1 all I see is evidence that all I have needed and all I have been given is LOVE. I have lived things people spend their whole lives saving up for waiting for the very famous SOMEDAY to arrive. Not one of them was rooted in money or was the intention money. It was always about LOVE and continues to be. This is hard for the people who love me the most to comprehend. Like many they share a belief that with financial stability comes happiness. A belief I don't share solely based on experience. Prior to my production company opening in 2006 I had all sorts of part time jobs, money and very little happiness. All I had was the dream of the elusive SOMEDAY. Luckily for me LOVE led me to that someday in the this lifetime. I began a journey, which has provided me with more than any amount of money ever could. I have sacrificed a lot! I do agree that following your heart may not be for everyone if you are someone who knows you will get more than this lifetime to LIVE. We can plant and wait many seasons for fruition in order to see dreams based on LOVE become reality. I am grateful I figured out how to. I am blessed to know what truly matters and to be able to respect others beliefs of what matters. Is it always easy? No. Is it what I aspire to everyday? Yes. In LOVE lies RESPECT! RESPECT for me means accepting people and situations for what they are.

I can't tell you how excited I am these days. Yes in case you are wondering I have days of doubt like I did yesterday. Then I remember that the person who unknowingly and without harm intended produced that doubt was again seeing my world through their eyes. Eyes of fear and doubt. So after talking it out with Danielle I returned to my source, LOVE. I am so grateful I know how to get back home. If we choose to see it LOVE IS ALL AROUND! It's not just some catchy line from Love Actually. To me it's the truth. All I have ever needed and all I have ever wanted has always been with me. I wish you the ability to see the world through the eyes of love. It's AMAZING and mind boggling what you will allow yourself to experience if you do. Note if you do not like to be filled with gratitude, joy, hope, happiness, excitement, awe struck emotion, courage to soldier on through life on life's terms and faith than LOVE may not be for you. ;-) However if you want to be filled with it watch this video and DREAM! Dream of a world full of love and be that love. I PROMISE YOU IT WILL COME BACK TO YOU AS YOU WILL CREATE THE ABILITY TO SEE IT IN EVERYTHING! I LOVE YOU, I CLAIM YOU, AND I THANK YOU! I AM L<3VE!

*Disclaimer feelings of joy may arise while watching this video and you may want to get up and dance. No dance partner needed. Just feel the love and express it.

Living my way into the life of my dreams.

2011-11-07T15:39:00.000-08:00

As one dream ends another commences and my journey continues. So as one door closes and I await for another to open I stand in the in between space I call the hallway. Sometimes it can be dark and mourning can take place. I've been living a lot of that this year. Dreams dying and space being created to allow new dreams in. This prompted me to think about how many times in my life I have consciously or unconsciously let go of a dream being a certain way in order to allow a new dream in. It turns out I always have as it's part of this journey called existence on this planet. Growing through the journeys in order to see dreams come to fruition and letting go of what I envision in order to receive what I deserve has become my way of life. As I a reflected on my past I realized that I am BLESSED! I have lived everything I ever wanted and then some. There is this idea that in order to live a dream in my industry you have to have it be accompanied with fame and money. One thing I need in order to survive this existence and the other does not attract me in the least bit. I always find it fascinating when people see my work and say "you are on your way." I smile and don't say much as it's not my place to take away their idea on the WAY but inside I hold my truth. I am already there.

The greatest gift of not getting what I envisioned is that it allowed me to receive a dream that exceeded my expectations and was what God and the universe thought I deserved. I call them miracles because of the journey that preceded the destination. Some dreams I have had no choice and they were taken from me and some I made the decision to walk away from like the most recent one. I wasn't attached to it and while I stood up for what my team and I deserved and I still believe we do I had told Danielle a couple of months ago that I didn't see it coming to fruition. My gut was just telling it wasn't going to happen. She thought otherwise and expressed it but I still kept getting the feeling that it wasn't meant to be. All I wanted in the end was for all involved to get credit where credit is due and to have our work respected. Something I inevitably had to leave in God's hand in order to move on and create space for the what next to arrive.

That has always been one of my favorite questions. Every time I finish a project and even before I am done savoring it someone will ask me what I plan to do next. My answer provides me with some of the most interesting expressions I have ever seen. I let them know that I don't know what is next and I have to wait for a sign from God and the universe. Of course I have my dream list which I share mostly with God and the universe but I have been doing this long enough to know the what next is not in my hands. Not if I want it to be magical. If I try to take control of the what next I end up in the what the heck? ;-) If I let go and do as Emerson suggest, "Adopt the pace of nature, her secret is patience" I end up living my way into a miracle every time without fail. The journey there is a whole another thing which I treasure regardless of all its unforeseen detours knowing that without them I would have never arrived at that particular destination. But truly to be able to do live like this I must be open to a lot especially being present in this very moment till the sign arrives. In devouring my walks with the eyes of a toddler discovering things for the first time and that is what I am currently doing as I mourn the loss of a dream as I envisioned it yet again.

Two things keep coming up for me right now as I do this. Patience and I am loved. Both which I am contemplating getting tattooed. To my close friends stop laughing I am not too girlie for it. I want one on each wrist as a birthday gift to myself. We'll see. Last week I sported "I am loved" on my wrist to see if I could get used to it and every time I dealt with the final negotiations of my work and things seemed quite heavy I would look at it and it would be a great reminder that I was being taken care of no matter what things APPEARED like to others. As I've said before for me victory lies in knowing when to let go and accept the detour to your destiny. When to bid something FATEwell.

As the door has officially and legally closed on one dream and I stand in the hallway I contemplate the gifts that were born from having the patience to be here in the past. This is not to be confused with not doing anything which is something I feel can be interpreted when letting go and letting God is suggested. Being present to this moment for me means, mourning the loss by i.e. taking walks, resting when needed and standing up when ready. That is actually doing something contrary to what society may believe or impose on us. In Mexico every afternoon after we eat together with our family we take a siesta and then get back to work. That is what I consider what I am living now, a siesta in order to take life and all its beauty in.

My last siestas have provided me with such amazing miracles. When I was young I got into pageants because my mom wanted me to, others were doing it and not much else was happening in my hometown that did not require me to cross the bridge and get drunk at a bar in Juarez. Something that till this day is not appealing at all. So there I was attempting to be Miss Teen El Paso. While I did place in the top 20 out of 113 contestants my second time around I didn't win. After going to Monterrey to be in my sister in law's former pop group and returning home I gave it one more try. Except this time I entered Miss Teen Expo Spokesmodel. It was 1993 and I won. Third time is a charm or as I see it now a dream exceeding my expectation. Unbeknownst to me then and something I can see clearly now is that that pageant actually lined up with my beliefs. It went along with an event called Teen Expo that inspired teens to be the best they could be. I was actually representing that not the city which I thought was not as good. Turns out I was wrong. I left to Fine Arts School during my reign and I have Teri to thank for not taking my title. I fulfilled duties when I could and passed on the title in 1994 when I moved back from Mexico City. I can see now that the "failure" of the two prior pageants was for many reasons but more than anything to have my beliefs line up with my work.

It's happened many times since then. I didn't get all the countless movie roles I auditioned for including my pre-read for Spanglish because while it is all beautiful work it was not the work my heart longs to do. Same for junior high school cheerleading. Not getting on the squad prompted my mom to give me a card that said "when one door closes another opens." Something a teenager can't truly grasp then like this thirty-four year old woman can now. I did go on to be on the dance team instead which again went more in line with me. I think being on the cheerleading squad would have been an attempt at being seen and being on the dance team was about feeding my soul. Till this day dance transforms me and through the miraculous ways in which my body can move and bend I see what is possible in this magical existence. Give me music and a dance floor and I am the happiest girl in the world, okay almost thirty-five year old woman. ;-)

As I reflect on all this I am for the first time seeing it affect a very important part of my life I always put on the back burner. My love life seemed to take a back seat to the dreams of my career. I've always been a hopeful not hopeless romantic but as an independent woman I have also been stuck in my way of not needing anyone as I can handle anything on my own. This year the lesson arrived in the most unexpected of ways that while I can handle everything alone I don't want to. I discovered I had told myself I would be okay if I had to because I could. I could keep repeating a pattern if necessary. This particular lesson comes with a lot of layers and of course includes coming from a one parent household with abandonment issues. Layers I've been peeling back for years in hopes of finding my way back believing with all my heart, soul and every ounce of my being that not only do I deserve to be loved. I am loved.

While I don't want to take from all the beautiful souls I've encountered along the way and their gifts in the form of lessons called our relationship I've never encountered love in this form. It's inexplicable their capacity to love themselves, life and most of all others. I had never seen a love like this which carries itself with such grace and humility. Of course I hadn't because I would not have been in a place where I would have been able to accept it but now is the time. I don't fear it or expect anything from it I simply embrace it when I find myself in it presence. It's there in its presence that I see the magic of God, the universe and now my father. I am able to find myself in its company because after many lessons and many years of growth I am finally open to receiving what I deserve. In letting go of dreams as I once knew them I have created space for God and the universe to yet again through their magic put my dreams to shame. ;-) To think a year ago I thought it couldn't get any better. Thank you God for giving me courage to let that dream die so I could create space for the light to arrive on your time. I am most humbled by your love for me and the kindness of the universe.

I am most grateful that I have learned letting go does not mean loosing but simply creating space for what I deserve and allowing God to take care of me. I am grateful for the ability to live my way into the answers and trusting that one dream ending does not mean another won't come to fruition. In these dark past couple of years and especially these past two weeks God sent light to illuminate my dark hallway repeatedly. It was always about me knowing I deserved to be loved by such EXTRAORDINARY friends, family and now the light. May your journey and its darkness provide you with the gift I believe is essential in order to make your way through the detours, unknown and into the what next, LOVE. May love for yourself just as you are reign above all and in that you will find the ability to LIVE YOUR WAY INTO THE MIRACLES YOU DESERVE. WE LIVE ONCE LET'S MAKE IT MAGICAL!

Look at where she is as the video commences, what she is carrying in her hands and where she ends up as she opens the door. Synchronicity! Thank you God!

The gifts born of the darkness. An open letter of gratitude.

2011-11-05T06:16:00.000-07:00

Perhaps the most bizarre accusation handed against my character in the last few days was that I am standing up for what is fair and right using my team and our work as an excuse because they can see clearly that my sole purpose is myself. I was warned that until I respected the sole source of our work I would continue to be just a producer and never create anything myself. Perhaps they should have done more thorough research as I am the creator of The Art of Being, my first production, and precisely the reason GLAMOUR Magazine and Toyota honored me gifting me with a car in the process not too long after I had paid mine off and it had stopped working. Timing! Yes the universe always has your back! Neither company ever saw the play or knew the depth of my work, its meaning or sacrifices yet from over 2,500 women nationwide I was chosen simply because God and the universe knew whose behalf I had worked on. ;-) I can also proudly say I was the first Latina to win the award. An award handed to me at a ceremony in Los Angeles. If they had really chosen to see all of my work for what it truly is perhaps they would have seen the first video in the interview section of the film and television section of www.adrianagarza.com
where I am at my award ceremony and I am accepting my award giving credit where credit is due. I found it last night as I reviewed my site for changes and it brought great comfort.

There is a lovely scene in Runaway Jury where John Cusack's character is having a conversation with a jury member and simply by having it the jury member exposes himself and true colors leaving everyone in the room in awe of his true character and motive once revealed. Everyone who forms a part of my team bases their opinion on what they see for themselves, including my Executive Producer, in our conversations as I am always quick to point out there are always two sides to a story. Always. No one needs me to form an opinion for them. We are all individuals. How we perceive and take things in is how we will hand our judgements to others. So if I am always worried about my weight I will always worry about others weight when I judge them. They won't be good enough because I don't feel good enough. Something I learned simply by navigating my twenties. This applies to anything. When I was little my mom said, "Adriana El Leon cree que todos son de su condicion y la zorra no se ve su cola." The end sounds funny but holds a valuable lesson. She was saying that people hand judgements based on what they would do and don't see their own faults when doing so. They can't see past their judgements. She used common known sayings which reference animals because as a kid she wanted me to get it.

I didn't then but I do now. Life has taught me to hold space for compassion. To say I have struggled these past few days would be true but not for long. I didn't use someone's past to shed light on the truth I simply used their own words which of course were interpreted differently by them as we are two individuals. I was handed judgement after judgement based on my past work, and interviews. When I was advised to do the same in return and use stories about their past, by past I mean pre- knowning them, against them too to justify their attacks, I saw how the people who interpret the law can work not all but some as they seek to win and I realized in that moment that if I did any of what I was advised to do I would become the same thing I was standing up against. It really would go against my essence even if compassion wasn't residing within me entirely I still couldn't become that which I was standing up against. It would make everything to me at least pointless. When I advised my team of my decision to surrender and let go one of my interpreters of the law confessed to not having clients like me informing me that people usually get into it until they make others see their side. I am well aware I can't. That would be like asking myself to know what it is like to have a father when I haven't seen mine since I was seven. Where would I draw from?

The bottom line is everyone involved stood to loose something they had worked hard on and everyone involved was willing to stand up for what they felt was right. An agreement to disagree could not be reached and that was when I realized what I was up against and how staying present and continuing to allow it to consume and worse embody me would prevent me from my destiny so instead I bid it FATEwell. Although the assumption was made that all was in vain it wasn't. Trust me it wasn't. This is where you come in. I simply do not know how I would have navigated the waters of this constantly stormy sea without YOU this past year. All of you arrived precisely on time. From Areli who came to do my make up and in actuality it turned out she came into my life to feed my soul and share in my joy of all the magical conspiracies to Hannah who arrived to console me and I her as we shared the memories of her uncle and magically she found me through this blog. Of course the list of God timed arrivals is endless. From the light who brought through the words of a dear friend affirmation that I am not alone and while my breathes were very difficult to take after my father passed as I constantly feared dying it was very clear I was now being rescued by not only the words my friend spoke but by my father and Neil. There was also the neighbor's timely card to console me on my father's passing and perhaps the most magical one, which arrived precisely when I needed it most from Australia.

The list of examples which humble me, show me God's existence and fill me with gratitude is endless. January started with the loss of my father, followed by the loss of one actor as he dropped out of the film, and finally the Investor all within a week. As I see it all was as it should be as it opened the door to all of you. Every single one of you who I had to create space for to enter. I believe that is what loss does creates space for what lessons you need to embark on next to evolve, and hopefully grow into a more LOVING human being regardless of the circumstances. Hopefully like me you can see the BLESSINGS that would not exist if it weren't for those circumstances whose timing can sometimes seem overwhelming.

As I reflect upon the past year I thank God the female director with high demands did not work out as it led me to Randy. This would be a great time to tell you of what a gift he bestowed upon simply by being willing to dance to the ballad of compromise with me. I learned so much from him while we took the dance floor for over a year. I am going to miss him so much and while I foresee us working together again I am going to miss him letting me be me. Not once did I ever feel like who I am, God and universe talk included, bothered him. NOT ONCE and I know we don't share beliefs but we shared a very important thing any relationship I believe should be founded on, RESPECT. We have not always seen creatively with the same eye. How could we being two individuals but he always afforded me the gift of being his equal. ALWAYS. Randy I am so grateful for the magic we created together. Your support of me, my vision and my dream especially this past two weeks has made me a better person. I have your back!

Like Randy there were so many who brought love, courage, support, and faith with them as their suitcases when they arrived timely into my life. So to allow one suitcase of someone's idea of me to take all that away would simply be in my humble opinion very blind of me. I SEE YOU! All of you and when I think of what you have done for me I realize you bring this quote to life, "Friends (family) are God's way of taking care of us!" Bev, Shari, Danielle and Jon A., Cienna (one day you wil forgive me for casting you as a baby boy) Susan V., Susan, Samantha, my movie dad Ruben (te quiero tanto!), Drew, Lizanne, Michael, Benjamin, Alma, Eve, Vince, Cole, Jason, Philly, Finian, Ciaran, Conor, Armando, Jake, Gaby, Shiela, Carlos, Andy, Rosie, Agnel Ishmael (whose name eerily is now what I call my dad), Mary Queen, Eric, Tammy and Patrick, Lindsay, Rena, Ivonne, Vero, Jorge, Enrique, Jorge Andres, Mercedes, Meche, Dan, my birth father Ismael and his daughter Paty (who guided me through his transition), Zoey, Sheri Michaels, Kris H., Herb, Michael Mullen, Lisa, Eloy, Richard P., Valerie A., Lisa A., Javier F., Kris N., Sarah D., Jesse B., Blanca V., Gabriela G., Kelly R., Kunal, Hannah, Hans, Areli, Kimberley M., Danielle R., Jennifer H., Jennifer W., Darice, Randy, Paul R., Jerry and I know I am missing someone but do know I AM GRATEFUL! The list is endless and your timing impeccable! To all who posted our project, especially strangers, on their social networking sites in efforts to see our dream come to life thank you. The universe knows. As you have done so shall be done to you! May your DREAM come to be your reality! My definitely did. I am so proud of all of us!

I don't care how many times I am persuaded to stay in the dark more than necessary so I can't see clearly. I would much rather face the sun directly and stand in its blinding light of truth as I see it. This helps me see that Margaret Mead was very very wise when she said, "A small group of thoughtful people can change the world. Indeed it is the only thing that ever has." I would like to add that you changed my world and by being of service to me in return you serviced the world as what we created together was meant for the world even if it was a preemie. It is a beautiful preemie and I have EVERYONE involved to thank for it. This is OURS. It exist because you lent your art, held my hand when I couldn't go on and simply believed in me. I present to you what YOU and I created.

I do not take well to bullying by anyone to anyone or anyone's interpretation of my art of being used against me. Regardless of what anyone desires to see or interpret not only will I continue to use my God given voice I will continue to use it to BE LOVE. I am not that frightened teenage girl anymore who stood in the middle of a tremendous circle of people and ridicule as one girl threatened me because I looked at her boyfriend in junior high. I am not the girl who in high school was told she was going to get a beating in not such kind words simply because Mike, who later confessed, told the offender a lie. They reside within me and are part of what bestows me the gift of compassion but I am an adult and no one's threats, interpretation of what is or attacks on my character frighten me. These past experiences were EXACTLY as they should be as they gave birth to being able to know who I am and where I stand. They gave birth to the strong convictions I bestow. While I may temporarily need to lay down and rest like I do now I still know what I ran across a while back, "at the center of your being you have the answer, you know who you are and you know what you want." As I lay and rest delighting in the calm before the storm that signs have informed me is coming I find comfort in the words that came from Lizanne after seeing our work which I share with her and the universe and which will be held in my heart forever. God I hear you and in her timely words I see you!

The night came and it got dark but you stood by me and for that I am eternally GRATEFUL and indebted to you. Have NO FEAR I have your back. You have made me the woman I am today and I am honored to have crossed paths with ALL OF YOU regardless if our paths diverged and I decided to take the one less traveled where temporary loss will on God's time give birth to my FATE. I stand by you too! To anyone who comes across this I wish you an ability to see the gifts that are born of the dark. The ones that arrive during and after the darkness. The greatest to me have been the ones born because of it that the LIGHT and changing of the seasons bring with it. May you be blessed with at least one individual like all the ones that crossed my path! In the words of one my favorite souls whose definitely a gift of the darkness and whose words shed light on my path, "YOU shaped my life. YOU make me love who I am today." There are no words to express the depth of my gratitude for that. I will simply say thank you for believing in me. I am humbled by your LOVE and SUPPORT! Thank you for CHOOSING to endure the journey with me. I LOVE YOU!

The Art of Knowning When to Let Go.

2011-11-03T16:24:00.001-07:00

It's time to let go and close one door therefore allowing the door to the what next to open. I have lived enough to learn that if I keep persisting down the same path and hoping for a different view than I am simply being stubborn not faithful. I had held faith against all obstacles that my team and I could produce results but the deadline arrived and we were unable to do so. The new proposed agreement was something I could not agree to and so on behalf of my team and after discussing it with them I let go of a way of life we have known to be ours for over two years. I apologized to my team for doing so and was continuously told there was no reason to apologize. I was reassured that I was not hurting anyone but when people have been working with you free of charge for over a year or two you can't help but feel like you may have failed them in not being able to bring to fruition your collective dream. Although deep down inside I know all is as it should be.

I have yet again been informed of all my character defects and what a truly different person I am that what I expose on here and through my work. It was in those words that I found my answer. I could continue going back and forth with someone whose form of communication is insults or I could do what I have learned repeatedly even the hard way is best, surrender and let go. The same question I posed earlier in the week arrived again. Do I want to be happy or do I want to right? This time the answer was different. There is only so much negative/depleting/fallen angel energy one can face before realizing the victory doesn't lie in winning it lies in knowing when to surrender and let go. In my case doing so leads to happiness. I pondered how important is this? In the big picture of life not at all. Try thinking of your problem at hand as this. On a scale of one to ten, 9/11 being a ten where does your problem lie? Mine is not even on the scale. I have my friend Bev to thank for posing that question to me years ago. I then pondered does letting go silence my voice? Absolutely not. What is my body feeling? Tired and depleted!!! What is my heart saying? LET GO! So I decided to do just that.

The court I wanted to abide by when standing up for my team and myself was the moral code of life court. A moral compass I believe we are all born with but one texts in books and contracts can find its way around. It can make the moral compass gauge become "invisible." That is until what you have done is returned to you. This journey brought with it a lesson that I will never forget. In the eyes of the law one missing word can change everything including two years of hard work but I revert to what I believe. In the eyes of God and the universe and the law I abide by, do onto others as you would want done to you, no matter who tries to talk you into otherwise all is taken care of even if in the moment it APPEARS otherwise. In due time light is always shed on the truth. Not my perception or theirs but the actual universal truth. I don't fear anyone, their attacks on my character or their threats against me. Their attacks on my character were done with my own words, which they took the time to read here and quote from past interviews. That is a lot of energy wasted on something you dislike so much and their example carried a HUGE lesson. I didn't want to become them so I had to let them go. No matter how much truth was held in plain text of paper trails there was of course as there always is in law a way to distort it. I know I was advised repeatedly by different people who can interpret the law to take them down. To do to them what they were attempting to do to me.

I chose not to. I chose instead to continue to be love and light no matter what they continue to interpret in order to justify their actions. I am definitely wearing the horns these days and Halloween already came to pass. ;-) I would like to point out that there are always two sides to a story, which is why I encouraged them to stop quoting mine, which caused them so much anger and start their own using their own voice. As I state here on my page to the right under my picture, "this is simply one woman's opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest behind." By all means if what you take angers you please leave it here. This is simply a place I come to chronicle my journey in hopes of allowing you the reader into a world where we can hold hope despite all the life on its terms situations we encounter.

This journey and its teacher came with so many great lessons I wouldn't give any of it back! I wouldn't change a thing! For over two years I did everything within my power to bring this to fruition. It did not come to fruition no matter what I tried. I was met with detour after detour after detour and finally reached a destination. Not one I envisioned but one I am beyond grateful occurred now before we got any further. It simply was not meant to be and at this point in my life and after seeing things and situations in the blinding light of the sun I am glad to accept God's will. After all man's rejection is God's protection. I am being protected from something and I have to trust that. I just know it and in the recent attacks it became clear that my happiness mattered more than being right or trying to change their perception. Finding solace in people seeing the world as they are not as it is and knowing therefore that trying to convince an angry person to see me through loving eyes is pointless. I can no longer play a game of whose right because in the big picture which includes loosing Neil and my dad in one year this is not that important. I'd rather play I let go and move on allowing the universe to bestow its magic upon me. It's a much better game. I have learned this repeatedly and did yet again.

So if anyone wants to use what is not theirs and call it theirs by interpreting their idea of text implies I will have to abide by the golden rule, as you do so shall be done to you. No longer desiring the they said I said battle I chose to walk away and take my team with me closing the door on this therefore creating space for all we deserve to arrive. I just simply can't keep going down the same path hoping for a different view! I have to head to a new path and create a new view. Even if I was told I don't have the capacity to create. I am going to have to take my past work, its accolades and most of all my gut feeling and carry on. Keep calm and carry on. It's not like it's the first time I heard you can't. Last time it propelled me into manifestation of a most GLAMOROUS experience. ;-)

I realize in all their constant quoting to attack me and make my beliefs theirs that imitation is a form of flattery I do not want bestowed upon me as I am big on encouraging anyone to find their voice and what speaks to them. Follow YOUR heart! I do not intend to know exactly where all this letting go is leading to but I do have an idea as signs have been clearly guiding me. As usual I know it will exceed my expectations. This simply was just not meant to be. It wasn't written in the stars as hard as I worked to have it be so. I have been shown once more whose in control and I let go as I recall the magic that the light born of the darkness has produced in my life before. I find solace in memories. I have been "stripped" simply because although this was pretty darn magical we deserve something a bit more magical where our work can be appreciated. I have great trust that this END is taking us there. To an Entirely New Direction. May you know when to let go and like me may you have an abundance of guidance through friends and family who support your sweet surrender. I thank you for your time! AG Productions will return on God's time with the what next....to be continued. Till then may you continue to CREATE the life of YOUR DREAMS using YOUR VOICE and learning the art of knowing when to let go.

Thank you God for giving me the gift of knowing who I am. I am GRATEFUL to all of you who held my hand in one way or another these past couple of years! It's time to allow the seasons to do what they do best, bring change. I am humbled by their constant wisdom. "Everything I have seen teaches to me trust the creator for all I have not seen." RW Emerson I will be the light! "I see the light. And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back. So shake him off! It's always darkest before the dawn. Damned if I do. Damned if I don't." I LET GO!

Embracing the synchronicity in the falling of the leaves.

2011-11-02T10:04:00.000-07:00

Every year people head to New York to witness the magic of the universe as it greets Autumn. This is most commonly known as the falling of the leaves, which brings with it stunning change and a time of renewed hope as the season of giving and love arrives soon after. I'd like to think these gifts are constantly in season during the journey I call my life. Like the effortless change of seasons I allow these gifts of "season" to embody me year round. I know I try to have it be the case. With all that surrounds me in nature I am reminded of the one thing that is constant, change. Especially on walks like the one I took this morning whose glorious gift let me know that I need not be far from home to see the magic of change.

Change is always taking place in my life whether I am aware of it or not. I like to think of it as magic being brewed miles and miles away from here by forces unseen like God, my dad, Neil, grandpa and all who have left Planet Earth. There are many personal reasons as to why I have this sense that things work that way and today on my walk I realized I was ready to share one of those due to all the synchronicity that this current falling of leaves has brought into my life.

One night not long after my father passed, a man I had not seen since I was seven, and while I was in deep sleep I clearly heard Adriana. Not Adriana pronounced in English but my name the way I like to hear it ADRIANA en espanol. I opened my eyes and quite frankly I thought I was still dreaming. There it was close to my bed the spirit/silhouette/shape of a man in a suit. I couldn't believe my eyes. I turned to the clock on my nightstand, looked back at it and before I knew it, it began to disappear. When it happened I only shared the story with two people. One replied, "I am not surprised at all. As in touch as you are with what you sense it probably knew you would see it." It I came to understand was my father. After years of not being with me he came to see me. Actually see me.

I had heard stories like this before and discarded them. It just sounded plain weird. That is until it happened to me. I went on to share it in group therapy and found that I was not the only one with that experience. A relief I must say that others like me can see beyond what we are taught to. That others use their sense of intuition as well. This is the part where some wise crack friend asks me what I was on. So for the record I've never done anything in my life. Nope. Not even the home grown stuff. ;-) These experiences are simply them as I lived it. Nothing added. After all not only do we see the world as we are, we live based on our beliefs. It can be a beautiful mess or it can be a torturous mess. I prefer to see the beauty in this existence, detours and life on life's terms moments included.

His departure was a HUGE season change for me and it kicked off 2011. Not exactly what I had envisioned but what has come due to his departure is this sense that now he has my back like he never could before. He wasn't equipped to raise children and with his background and no help to heal, remember therapy was for crazy people once upon a time, there was in my humble opinion no way anyone could have expected him to know what to do with us. However I have this sense that he is watching over me constantly now. A sense that is constantly reaffirmed in the words of friends and family. Some would never want to accept that he could possibly be behind the synchronicity as the leaves of change keep falling in my life but I know he is. Simply because everything my heart needs only God, the universe and my angels know of and yet at the most precise of moments when doubt wants to become my bestfriend in the words of a friend I hear my father. Words reaffirmed by my friend Jessica's post on facebook. This sign can only truly make sense to me. A sign reminding me that no matter my past I AM WORTHY of BEING LOVED.

It's astonishing to me even now, years after following signs, how magically we are all taken care of if we choose to see it. As I walked this morning after finally finishing what I consider the footwork and knowing the outcome is in God's hands, I ran across this.

Again something that can only make sense to me but something that really makes me grateful for having awareness. For being open to communicating with God and the universe in more than one way. While I do pray on my knees sometimes, I am in constant prayer. I consider my conversations with God prayer. Prayers of gratitude, of faith, of fear, of trust, of astonishment and so on. They are always happening. It makes my mom happy to have me sit beside her in mass and so I do. If people want to see me as religious because I do that is fine with me. What I see is gratitude for being able to sit next to my mother one more year no matter where I am. It makes me happy to stand at the edge of the cliff at Runyon and converse with my understading of God and so I do. I am open to accepting different ways of communicating with this unseen force whose name is really not as important to me as trusting it hears me and of course guides me, yet I choose to call it God. For me enter all who seek means enter within and find YOUR answers. Within is where God is. In YOUR heart. Yes it's great to seek comfort in like minds but embrace your individuality and in that I feel you will find comfort in all that comes your way and hopefully gratitude for being the unique creation of God you are.

As my leaves continue to fall and I grow through bare seasons, harsh weather seasons and joyful, giving seasons I continue to hold gratitude for all of it in my heart. Every bit of it that the seasons of this past year brought. From enduring all the paper trails twice, to basking in the light in the eyes of a dear friend where I feel seen and whose timing I believe was definitely my father's gift as since he was gone when our paths crossed, to holding my friend Kellie's son, to holding Cienna, to being on the set, to being on the couch in tears, to my girl's night with a dear friend proving we are like crazy and growing together in our friendship, to the gifts from GLAMOUR and their timing, to the artistry of Areli who while she may be responsible for my make up is actually brought so much more to my life, to watching Tammy and Patrick's union of love celebrated as well as Vince and Cole's and having all my dear friends hold me my hand through all the change. ALL OF IT. All of the changes brought upon by the constant seasons of my life are welcome.

A year ago as my thirty-fourth approached I was a wreck. Neil had passed a couple of months before and I kept questioning if I'd get up to see my birthday as he passed a month before his. I kept calling my mom to hear her voice. I was trying to stay afloat in a sea of fear. As the season of mourning passed I did find the shore again. It was far from easy but I stayed in the water and my lifesavers became my fellow mourners in group therapy. Eventually the sun came out again and with it the season of change that is being brewed up far away right now. I trust in it and its magic! I don't fear the changes it brings anymore. I have found my way back to my source of light! I am able to let go once again being the woman I knew before Neil and my dad "departed" and an even stronger version. To me they are still here. They are this final sign I got upon returning home from my walk this morning. Reaffirming my belief that I have indeed done all I can in all matters of my heart and affairs and that seasons bring in new friends and see friends depart as well. That it is time to let go and let the magic of my footwork unfold on its own.

The synchronicity in the falling of the leaves I am experiencing is only for me to understand. However my prayer for you is that when the constant change is brought upon into your life by the seasons doing what they were created to do may you do what one of my favorite poems suggests, "More and more I have come to admire resilience. Not the simple resistance of a pillow, whose foam returns over and over to the same shape, but the sinuous tenacity of a tree: finding the light newly blocked on one side, it turns in another. A blind intelligence, true. But out of such persistence arose turtles, rivers, mitochondria, figs and all this resinous, unretractable earth." May you find beauty and embrace the gifts of your seasons as they too will come to pass. Stay present in their beauty! Be open to their gifts! You may just find that the light brings with it dreams that exceed your expectations! May their timing return to you the awe of our childhoods and our discoveries. May you find within you the courage to weather the storm and the constant season called change. Dear God and the universe I am ready when you are!

Stumbling towards forgiveness.

2011-10-31T08:12:00.000-07:00

I have been catapulted into some major growth recently and I can't stop expressing all that I am growing through as I stumble my way to forgiveness. I say stumble because what I am experiencing while I may have been in familiar territory before is yet still unlike anything else. I live in the moment and in this moment I have more love, compassion, and faith than I did before when similar scenarios arrived with lessons of growth to bestow upon me. That said I am still a human being who tries everyday as best as I can to be a human loving. It's definitely being tested right now but everyone who has had to be involved in the current growth spurt reassures me I am being love. It's tricky when people perceive otherwise and try to work things to their advantage from that angle because for a few minutes I actually contemplate their words turn to Bev and say maybe I am a horrible person. Luckily her look said it all and in her words she reassured me otherwise affirming what my heart tells me, that to those who don't get what they want from me, sadly I will be a horrible person.

Sadness, that is what is coming up for me the most right now as I follow paper trails in our defense. That is not at all what I thought I'd be doing right now but if I want to proceed with what I believe to be fair and earned I must come up with the proof of that earned fairness. That's a lot of emails. Years worth. Thank God I don't delete my sent box. I never thought I'd say those words. I am most grateful for my outbox capacity to hold over 10,000 emails. Yikes. It's not the first time this month I've had to defend my truth. Actually the second time I am following paper trails. I'd rather be outside flying paper airplanes but God is asking of me otherwise. I do believe,everything, even this is in God's plan. I would know nothing of courage, faith and strength if it wasn't. I'd be coasting along with other's beliefs of life, which I was brought up without truly learning to appreciate the art of living and all that comes with it. Without seeing the gift of the present and it is in that knowledge that I find gratitude for the current circumstance which I am not defined by but which will definitely continue to mold me.

While I may stumble towards forgiveness I currently reside, as I always do, in gratitude. Currently gratitude for the inspiration this situation has provided me with. Scroll down. I can't stop writing even if attempts to silence me where made. They actually fueled further expression of my growth in hopes to inspire you to always follow your heart, take action from a place of love and let God (whomever you believe in) handle the rest. It's really hard for me right now because all of this is taking a toll on my body who longs to be hiking or laying on a yoga mat but has been siting upright at my computer, reading, sorting, highlighting and printing for far too long with the exception of one beautiful celebration of love yesterday. ;-) One of my friend's asked is it worth it? A great question because I abide by the "do you want to be right or do you want to be happy question?" in life. I want to be happy and in this particular situation being right comes with it. They are holding hands with the light that guides them backed up by my work.

I stumble not only to towards forgiveness but to express the desire to be right. I continue learning that as woman, I believe in any field not just mine, some people still do not see us as equals but someone who can be talked down to and attacked instead of spoken to while attempting to use my words against me all because I said no to a request I found unfair in the ninth hour. Within me sadness resides along with confusion and I find comfort in the words of women who quite frankly defended what they found just under much harsher circumstances than mine. Queen Elizabeth was trying to be dethroned by assassination but defended what she felt was just and if history books are correct defeated a Spanish Armada, which could have crumbled her and her empire. My favorite scene in that film, Elizabeth the Golden Age, is where she stands at the edge of the cliff much like I do at Runyon, and the winds of change pick up and blow in her favor. In the ninth hour of course. How else could it be labeled magical. ;-)

Natalie Maines defended what she felt was just with the eyes of the world on her while people crushed her cds, posted pictures of her photoshopped with Sadam Hussain and even her home town radio station stopped playing her music all based on the Media manipulating her words and delivering the world their interpretation of it. I watched in awe as it all happened and quite frankly would have loved to be a fly on a wall at the home of any of those people who turned their backs on her as she accepted grammy after grammy after grammy for the light that was born of that darkness titled, The Long Way Around. I highly recommend this documentary on her experience for inspiration. After watching I can't help but affirm what I believe, all is as it should be.

So for me worse case scenario I loose two years worth of a collaboration of work by everyone I have hired but at least I know I stood up for me and every person involved including people who invested their money and their faith in me and my prior work to make it happen. Especially all those who were unpaid including yours truly. I am defending not only our work but our unknown sacrifices grateful that the most important observer, God and the universe, are aware of them. I have moments where I cry and cry and cry while I review documents with the truth in plain text expressed by all parties involved. I don't question God as to why all this happening I simply say thank you for giving me the courage to face it and allow myself to receive it. After all I've taken road trips with the devil/negative energy/fallen angel, whatever you call it, in a foreign country where it tried to consume and persuade me into being far from what I consider myself, a lady. I've never gotten on a train ride faster and rode away from it quicker than I did on that trip through Europe. I've encountered it in the false accusations of the people who tried to take my home of ten years last month and all I had to do was provide a twenty page document that disproved all the accusations they claimed. The truth shed so much light on the situation that the light that radiated from within me was too bright for the president of the company, who had handed such accusations, to be able face me at a meeting. I never quite get why people flat out lie so instead of trying to understand the reasoning behind it I stumble my way to my preferance eventually arriving at the destination called forgiveness.

The truth sheds light in due time, God's time, and shines brighter than the sun. That is where I find comfort right now. In past experiences that seemed insurmountable yet came to pass and all I feared may happen if "lost" never did. Quite the opposite happened and the light brought with it gifts born of a faith so deep no one can understand it but me as the shoes that are worn to endure the path paved to walk on, detours and all, through these challenges where solely worn by me. I find solace in the words of my friends, the gifts of past detours and the strength of my spirit. I do not take credit for my spirit. I was gifted a spirit which has taught me as a human that I am through it connected to something pretty darn powerful I choose to call God. A magical source that finds a way to guide me towards the light even when the darkness is so powerful I have moments of doubt.

I am choosing to carry one because I know what is coming. That which my God compass is telling me of. A light so bright that has been making its way to me for a little over two years, a thousand years, perhaps more or all of the above. ;-) The time is coming for us to let the magic unfold. I will walk towards it and no matter what anything appears like or sounds like until it reveals itself to the world I will stumble towards forgiveness of myself and others as I know the light awaits me there. May you be able to accept the strength the spirit within you carries and embrace it allowing you the courage to carry on till light is shed on your darkness.

Thank you Neil, dad, grandpa and all my angels for giving me the strength to weather this hurricane, which produced a beautiful mess in the process. I know this will come to pass and after the hurricane the light will be shed. See you on my 35th as I trust you are behind the magic that is brewing in this vast universe and will be born that day. I already feel you there present in the gifts of the day. So in advance thank you! Thank you for guiding me into the arms of my home, which was written in the stars and made a reality here on Earth through all I have endured these past couple of years. They are simply breathtaking and definitely exceed my expectations and in this magical conspiracy I see the depth of your love for me. I am humbled by you.

Growing towards the light.

2011-10-29T20:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes inspiration can come from the most unlikely of places and take you back in time to a moment you thought you would never overcome but like everything in life, it came to pass. My ipod played a song today that brought me back to the first time I had to stand up for myself quite aware that when I did the person on the receiving end would not like it. I did not see fit that they charge myself and the actors of my play, who weren't paid to perform, a hefty fee for a copy of our show. The person who was on my creative team presented the service of filming the performance's of the play to me but never mentioned she intended to charge everyone including me two hundred dollars a person for one copy. Wowzers!!! I could have hired someone for much less as that would have been $2,000 for all of us. It was perhaps the first time that I knew I would have to stand up and be okay with not being liked. With being labeled unfair.

The thing about indie producing is that everyone involved usually knows it's about passion not profit. To state otherwise would be well odd since people who want to profit usually go to studio owned production houses which afford you less creative control but the money you are looking to make. What I get out of being indie is the ability to be conscious of what I put out into the world and how I contribute to society! While I like you want to make money from my work as well I choose to let my heart guide me towards it by earning it through my experiences, work, and in due time. I allow what I have sown to reap in season. ;-) Even if while that season arrives I have to deal with some harsh weather I'd rather not in the moment. In due time the season reveals its value, the clouds clear, and the sun reveals itself once again proving it was always there.

Back in the season of 2006 I saw this desire to charge all of us as quite unjust to all of us and they saw it as quite unjust that we wouldn't pay a fee we didn't know about till after all our very personal stories had been captured on film for someone to keep and do as they wish. This experience taught me the importance of knowing what battles to fight. My director wants me to not wear make up as Esperanza in some scenes. Big deal. It serves the story a purpose. He wants me to make her come to life as he envisions her. I hired myself to provide that service. So time to wear the actor hat and take off the make up like I did the first day on the set of Bearing Fruit. Now he comes to me in the ninth hour and says she needs to be naked here because etc. etc. etc. Then I would say no she doesn't. We've been working on this together for over a year. You can't come at me with this and I won't do it. Now he never asked that. It would be odd as it would make no sense but my point being that I have learned which battles I must fight and when I must do it even if the price is being disliked and bad mouthed and of course which ones to let go.

This same person who tried along with her significant other to charge us for copy of our performances also gave an interview to a publication talking about her production. I won't go into lengthy details about how far from her production it was but I will say I learned a lesson the very hard way about whom to trust in this industry and began on the journey of truly not taking on any co-producers and going at it alone. I would say I've been burned more than once, like the co-producer who had necessary equipment for our performances with them and notified me they were on the way to the airport with that equipment and if I didn't drive out to get it I would not have it for our show. Huh? Ethics, morals, values and professionalism are subjective and viewed differently by all of us. Were these people wrong? To them nope and to me yes. For me it became about choices that could prevent me from ending up in situations like this again.

Have I learned? Yes. I used be so afraid of hurting people and always put their well being before mine yet on my current production someone was constantly snapping at me and being passive aggressive. I love that person and they are a dear friend who did so much for me when my dad passed but I got to point where I couldn't take them constantly arguing with me and after we shot the first weekend I let them go. To add to their behavior towards me they also failed to prep all week and contact actors for the last shoot day. Something I was left to do the day prior to our last day of filming. Does all this make them bad and me good? No. It makes us different. Some people know you have to hustle to get things done in life and some people would rather not.

I've said it before to someone and while I hope to never have to again I have learned to never say never. When you are the one who has spent almost six years of your life cold calling companies like SWA to get them to sponsor your work, investing all your money trusting it will all come back as soon as your commercials start to air only to find all three in row will not air therefore loosing residuals and money invested, all while choosing to donate profits of your work's tour to a different non-profit in each city, sacrificing being able to visit family in Mexico, quality of life and many more things all to bring your passion to fruition than you can call my work yours but till that moment happens please respect what I have earned. Nobody handed me anything yet I see people wanting to take credit either for my work or our collaborations and it breaks my heart.

I don't care how much odds are stacked against me I will move forward to fight for what I feel is right based on morals I believe in. For now and my current growth spurt I am banking on God and the universe to show up in the ninth hour and produce magic like they always do with their universal law not the one in the books we humans have produced. I believe that will happen more than ever because Neil and my dad watching are watching over me. As I see it you can cheat me and you can cheat yourself but you can't cheat God and the universe. They know the truth behind your and my interpretation of situations. I find tremendous solace in that thought and all I am facing. I have chosen to stand up once more and carry on even when it appears to others as a waste of time, as time has afforded me the knowledge that what appears is not always what is.

So as my ipod played the following song it all came rushing back.

2006 and all I endured as someone tried to call my work theirs. As everyone around us gossiped about the truth. About how many days and nights I cried about it questioning how it could be happening. I recalled singing at the top of my lungs the lines that hit me the most as I kept running into the Malibu newspaper with her interview claiming my work as hers. "You may think I'm telling lies but I just call it getting it right." I recalled how eventually as I grew towards the light, light was shed on the situation and the truth revealed itself. How years later she called apologizing and asking me if I wanted the footage from all the performances. I told her no that she could keep it. It had all come to pass and after experiencing all that came with her side of the story I no longer needed to hold on to what at one point felt so significant and eventually meant nothing in the big picture and I believe came into my life teach me what I am made of. Most of all it took me towards what I hope to always be able to afford others and myself, forgiveness. After all God and the universe did take care of me. That is the production I won my car for and experienced many beautiful things courtesy of Toyota and GLAMOUR or as I see it, God and the universe. ;-) I always find it fascinating that as a society we focus on success and the destination but not as much exposure is given to all of our journeys and all of stories, afterall there are always two sides to a story.

I learned that while people may sometimes in fear try to rush the outcome in their favor, the outcome that comes with patience and faith is far more rewarding. I know this from personal experience. I have learned the magic that comes from listening to everything inside of you that says, "No don't do anything just yet" and prompts you to move just when all the planets have aligned and the outcome will favor you and your dreams beyond your expectations! So with that thought in mind and all the experiences almost six years of indie producing have brought me I carry on. I may not always keep calm on and carry on but if I can't do that then I keep to myself until I can. No need to act out in anger. I will always abide by do as you want done to you no matter how many times I hear that I should just return what is being done to me. I don't care to become anger. I care to be love when anger approaches. I am no saint and trust me it can be hard but luckily for me if I don't listen to my gut my conscience will remind me all the time!

I will continue to take the long way around even as my ego tries to entice me otherwise. "I fought with a stranger and I met myself. I opened my mouth and I hurt myself. It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself. Guess I could of made it easier on myself but I could never follow. If you ever want to find me I can still be found taking the long way."

What I have seen the most this past week is the growth one experiences when growing towards the light. I cried for half a day on the couch while watching Elizabeth the Golden Age, then got up took a walk and gathered strength to keep calm and carry on. I prepared to take care of me and my team and I keep walking forward no matter what anyone thinks or interprets. This too shall pass and it has come into my life for a reason and I trust someday as I grow through it I will live way into that reason. Till that day comes I choose to stay present in today, the gift it is and the blessings of a little flashback courtesy of my ipod. Trusting that no one is cut and dry right or wrong that we are all entitled to our truth but most importantly trusting what I have learned the most, the light will reveal the truth right on time. Not a minute too soon. Till then I leave you with one of my biggest sources of inspiration. I think I'm battling something? Not to take from it but I don't have the eyes of the world on me, the media manipulating my words and the industry turning its back on me. Natalie Maines is such a source of inspiration. It was with great delight that I watched as she accepted all those grammys for the gift the darkness of her journey brought her. May life allow you to trust yourself and know when to stand up and stand strong in your beliefs and when to let go and let God trusting that EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS AS IT SHOULD BE! Dear God this one is for you. Until the light arrives I thank you for being the Easy Silence without silencing my voice. I hear you in the stillness of my heart.

Giving her the gift of fighting her own battles.

2011-10-28T09:08:00.000-07:00

Three years ago this month God and the universe let their plans of crossing my paths with one very lovely eleven year old finally unfold before my eyes after close to a year of waiting for a match. She had just applied the week before to be a little sister. I had longed for children of my own for as long as I can recall and while that universal conspiracy had not manifested itself yet, then or now, I did what felt right to my heart at the time and decided to mentor a child through Big Brother Big Sister. These children usually come from a one parent household. Something I could identify with. I've always been told how special what I do is and I am quick to let people know that what they believe I do for her she has also done for me. I believe we crossed paths when both of us needed it most and when we could be healers for eachother as love, in my humble opinion, is more grand when it's two way street in this particular situation.

She has been one of my greatest teachers in these three years, which have flown by! I have seen her go from being a Taylor Swift loving eleven year old to a Katy Perry imitating fourteen year old, colored hair and all. I have such beautiful memories of all the fun we've lived. From Disneyland on her birthday to visting Santa to spending our Saturday nights doing this and no I am not ashamed! ;-) Quite the opposite! I am grateful I have someone who I can completely be myself with! It was afterall my idea.

One of my most treasured memories is one which showcases the capacity of the human heart and its ability to love even after all she has faced at such a young age. While riding in the car through Hollywood back in the day when Taylor Swift was allowed to be heard through the speakers I began to cry as White Horse came on. When she questioned my tears I told of her of a recent love lost who had found his way into a union which was with someone else although I thought it'd be me. I honestly and openly explained to her all that came with it. When we got out of the car she came over looked me in the eyes and said someone needs a hug as she held me tight. It is in moment like that when I clearly see God's plan for this fatherless child and her motherless little sister. It's in knowing that we have eachother's back that I find great comfort to endure all we both have. She was able to hold my hand as I dealt with the passing of Neil and three months later my father and recently I held her hand through a very dark period. A moment where sadly she questioned where home was for her.

It is in moments like that when I come to understand that the hardest job in the world is indeed the one that doesn't pay, requires work around the clock, and the ability to trust and let go constantly! It is the one that teaches you how to be brave in the depth of uncertainity of what the future holds for someone you care for deeply. Someone you helped create and bring into existence. However these past three years have taught me that I did not need to be present at her arrival on planet Earth to know to the love of a parent for a child. If I can love this much I often wonder how I will be with my own children. I am grateful to have had the gift of a run through! To my mother, all single parents and all parents I commend you for choosing to guide a life in this existence and hopefully learning when to let go, even if it's a struggle like it is for me.

The current journey consists of me having to let go and giving her the gift of fighting her own battles. Trusting that like me she is being guided by that same unseen force I choose to call God and its angels I choose to call the magic of the universe. I have to trust that despite all she has lived at such a young age she will make her way to them. To being able to trust in the unseen, which loves her and wants what is best for her. That she will make her way back to love. Back home no matter how much she questions the existence of such a place.

Part of what helps us both grow is that we see the world so differently! How different our questions are and how in that we can help eachother grow. I must admit as someone who loves her deeply I secretly or not so secretly anymore hope she grows my way towards the light. Although I have complete understanding that unconditional love means I must accept her no matter what direction she grows in. I highly doubt I'll follow though as dark eyeliner and orange hair doesn't go with my complexion. ;-) Ahhhh the growing pains of a teenager. In them I have found immense grtatitude for my mom and have called more than once with an apology for all the pain I may have unknowningly caused and all the times I may have broken her heart. She reassures me it's part of being a part and while it may not be easy it just is. Thoughts of the times my angel has broken my heart surface and I realize that yes it is part of having the hardest job in the world.

Letting her go means I trust that my example through my actions and words but more importantly actions have shown her what she needs to see but that she must soldier on becoming Zoey. That she will pick what is best for her and leave the rest behind. This is where trust has to come in for me. It does eventually. After I make all the calls I can I surrender control of the outcome to God. I show up be of service to her by guiding and then I let go. Wish me luck with my own kids. I understand you so much better know mom and I gather that understanding will continue to grow.

Precious angel I come to you with gratitude for teaching me the capacity of the human heart's ability to love beyond what I already knew! For allowing me into your heart when life's experience had left you less than enthusiatic to do so. You know something beautiful girl. I believe that miles and miles away from our home planet Earth and perhaps beyond the stars God, the universe and your angel were conspiring to cross our paths! They knew exactly when we both would need it most and there we found ourselves at the headquarters office beginning a bond nothing can break. I know life on life's terms has you questioning where home is. I can't tell you where you should find it but I can promise you it's where your heart is. You are in mine always and I can only hope you carry me in yours. You are always welcome home! I love you, JUST AS YOU ARE! Thank you for affording me the same!

When you are ready the universe will conspire and cross your path with his. I promise. The details are in the fabric of your life being woven by God and the universe.

Falling into the arms of love.

2011-10-26T12:49:00.000-07:00

Just for today I want to run away from it all. Neil's death, my father's death, almost loosing my home twice in the past year, my angel girl being hospitalized and every thing that I had not planned on. Everything that was not my vision but became my reality. I want to just run home and have my mother hold me in her arms and tell me everything is and will be okay. I can't do that because my mom is the kind of mom who loves so much and gives so much that she fears for all of her seven children so much. She doesn't take too well to me being detoured and just wants an absolutely smooth ride for me with no bumps in the road. I presume the day I hold my first born in my arms and look into his/her eyes I will understand the depth of her love. I can't even tell her what I am currently growing through because I know it will break her heart.

My ego has come under attack. I've been informed that who I am here on my blog and in the world's eyes as exposed through my work is not who I am. Perception. It's such a beautiful yet tricky thing. Yet I welcome it and understand that people will always see the world as they are not as it is. To some I may be a saint and to some, especially when I take care of myself and do what feels right to me not what is overall right, I am far from a saint. Perhaps my ability to stand firmly in my beliefs even when everything I stand for and voice is under attack comes from that same mother who loves too much. If it's possible to love too much. The one who raised seven kids on her own. Who fought when she needed to fight and who lost and learned and loved and grew. I am my mother's daughter after all.

So as I lay on my couch contemplating the third "attack" from a third source in a month it is within I choose to go. I must seek the answers within. I must yet again be still and trust what feels right to me. I smile recalling the words my friend AJ quoted when I was kicked out of book club, "Well behaved woman rarely make history." ;-) I will not always be liked especially when I don't see things as others see them. I understand. As sad as I am today I've learned that it is okay to not be liked even if it hurts. I am human after all. Not being liked will not keep me from standing firmly in my beliefs even if those beliefs are accused of being false. Again perception. We are all entitled to it. As much as I am entitled to speak of what I believe people are entitled to accuse me of being the opposite of my beliefs.

I wish I could agree with them but all that would do is temporarily put a band aid on a cut which needs to heal. I need to heal. They need to heal and eventually we can agree to disagree. I will continue to do so from a place of love even if I am accused otherwise. I understand what hurt and disappointment can cause all of us to see. All I stand for was summed up in my calendar's daily quote, "True prayer is not asking God for love, it is learning to love and to include all mankind in one affection." MB Eddy. I will continue to be love in all my actions while taking care of myself. I have said it before and I will say again, being love does not mean I am a doormat and offering expression of things without limits does not mean you go before me and I will go last and endure pain for your happiness. My twenties are over! Thank God. ;-) But interpretation of my beliefs is all yours and I am okay with that because I have fallen into arms of love.

My friends who never seize to amaze me! They don't always agree with me which is in fact very healthy. Some of them have disagreed with me so much we take breaks from eachother to heal our feelings and come back to eachother from a place of love. Life's too short for anything else! So today they answered the call of my wounded heart. Paul let me cry in his ear. Eric let me vent in his ear and Danielle let me joke with her about the lips of another touching the lips of the one I long to kiss adding salt to my current wound. Somethings I don't need to see. ;-) I like to think that in the midst of it all I smile at life because it is always smiling at me. Bev answered the phone to hear me say "I did not envision this unfolding this way. I have become her in more ways than I intended to! Now all that is missing is the light making its way into my life and not rescuing me but holding my hand through all this growth. After all in it is written in the pages of her life and mine." Synchronicity or life imitating art. Cue the music, set the lighting, the mood and in he comes. Okay my life is not a movie. ;-)

So in my reality I am faced with the choice to continue to be me and hold high regard for all I have lived which has made me the woman I am today. To continue to love me when others loath me. To not be silenced by the fears of what other's may interpret or choose to believe. To continue to trust in my idea of God and the universe. To know that like always I am being guided by them and even this is part of the plan to hopefully make all of us involved better people and better able to take care of ourselves and our beliefs even if they oppose eachother. In opposition I have found out exactly who I am and what I stand for. May you do the same. May you voice your beliefs and allow others to voice theirs. May you continue to stand firmly in them even when you are disliked for them! Above all like one of the most inspiring women whose life story I have seen a million times, may you TRUST YOURSELF, YOUR UNDERSTANDING OF GOD, AND YOUR IDEA OF WHAT IS RIGHT. Like me may you also learn that it is okay to sit with the sadness of one incredibly tough year trusting that the sun whether it can be seen or not is always there. God I know you are with me. Let's carry on! "When the storm breaks some are dumb with terror and some spread their wings and soar!" Time to soar yet again. Dearest FEAR, thank you for encouraging me to use my voice and for making me the woman I am today! See you on the battlfield. At this point you should recognize me. I am the one armed with love and as always sending you love! <3 Interpret that as you wish as I trust you will.

Affirming my way to a miracle.

2011-10-24T09:02:00.000-07:00

The time is here yet again. The time when God and the universe test my faith by asking me to be still and do nothing. For me this is the hardest part of my journey. It seems that when I work, work, work I have an illusion of control and yes while I may be able to control the task at hand within reach it's truly the big picture that is out of my control. As you have read I tend to know where I am headed because I follow signs. A skill I have developed by tuning into my intuition and listening to it as best as I can. Somedays, happy to report very rare days, my intuition can be silenced by rumblings of the committee, i.e. all the voices of negativity spoken to me by others through out the years compiled into one big loud obnoxious voice. It tends to make itself present in moments of silence when I have done all I can and the only thing left to do is as my favorite philosopher suggested, "Adopt the pace of nature. Her secret is patience." RW Emerson.

So here I am patiently awaiting my destiny. Knowing that I have done all I can to arrive at the destination I had hoped for while trusting that wherever it is I am being detoured to is going to be much better than I envisioned. If I was to judge this by sight and not faith I would say odds were stacked against me but anyone who knows me knows I don't believe in what I see I believe in what my hearts speaks of to me in this silence I am currently being asked to be present in. I awoke wanting to take control by doing just one more thing to help things land in the palm of my hand. I said "You know God just one more push to know I tried everything." Then I laughed at myself and God laughed with me because we both knew it wasn't one more push to know I did everything I could, it was one more push to control what is currently not in my hands, the outcome of over two years of insanely hard dedicated work.

So when the committee appeared assuring me of all that could go wrong I made a decision in that moment to affirm my way to a miracle. I know I've co-produced them with God many a times but this one folks, this one is going to have to be HUGE. Further more reason to partner with God instead of those whose choices based and made out of fear led them to believe they could control what they can't. Among those things, me. I'm sad. I am. I am never afraid of expressing emotion because for me that is the only way to make it thru it instead of going around it pretending nothing is wrong and then having it get me later when I least expect it. I am facing my sadness now. I am accepting that we are all on different journeys and that sometimes people I care for whom I've worked hard with will choose to walk with fear instead of love. Something I can do nothing about. All I can do is continue to be me and do what feels right to me.

So here I am doing what my heart and gut ask of me today. Nothing. I've done all I can for over TWO years. I've followed every sign I could since our paths crossed and it was a story in an imagination. I guided it into being put on paper and honed it along with many talented people into what it is today. I took several trips to Austin. Took several meetings in Los Angeles and Austin, secured locations in both cities, and the list is endless. Most importantly is knowing that God and the universe know of all my efforts and nothing else needs to be proven to anyone. Magic comes from the unseen by others things we do everyday. Amazing people chose to work free of charge on this with me from casting to directing all in hopes of bringing something magical to fruition and just as the ninth hour approaches I was asked to share control and all my work not to my idea of God but to another human. I couldn't. Maybe in the process I've shot myself in the foot but I can't do that which goes against every word I have worked so hard to become. I don't speak of what I hope to become someday and have my actions oppose those words. I speak of what I am and therefore I become it.

I am a woman in love with life and EVERY detour God has presented before me, which has allowed my faith in this magical unexplainable, unseen force to grow. I have no proof other than my life, existence and all the magic I have been blessed to LIVE which was born of this faith. Yet to me that is so much PROOF of this unseen force being my guide. I don't have a problem sharing control when it happens organically but when it is being requested of me and the force behind it is fear there is no way I can do it. I can't affirm my way to a miracle by allowing fear to befriend me, holding its hand and allowing it to take all of us working on this into the destruction that comes from our time not God's time. That is what I feel happens when I don't surrender control to God and instead hold fear's hand down a path of my time where the magic isn't present. I won't do it! I simply can not do it especially when fear attacked me and my work in the process to get its way further pushing me away. When are you going to get it? You can't control me silly, ultimately you make me stronger so wait I should thank you for making an appearance yet again.

I will choose what I am being asked to do right now, be still, simply because this has become my way of life. I expect NO ONE to understand it or embrace it but I also will allow NO ONE to get in the way of my miracle. I will detach with love. I will go on with love and I will send love to anyone who tries to dispell the magic of my journey. I am not here to do as I am asked by others living in fear. I am here to do what is asked of me grounded in LOVE. While my sadness is based on fear embodying someone I care for and allowing them to treat me disrespectfully I will still come from love because I have seen its face. It's astounding the face of love, the grace of God. It's there wanting to be seen by you and me. It's as powerful as the face of fear yet a lot more rewarding. I've been affirming miracles in many areas of my life as my thirty-fifth year on planet Earth approaches and I can SENSE the gifts bestowed on that day, prior to and after will be born of this affirmation, I AM WORTHY! SO ARE YOU! May you allow the face of love to guide you in this sometimes inexplicable yet insanely beautiful gift called the PRESENT!

"In silence I feared my heart would remain words unheard." I have been proven wrong and I am grateful! I found the light and it found me. We are loved.

The Art of Failure.

2011-10-19T21:06:00.001-07:00

The time is nearing for me to walk away from something I have passionately poured my heart and soul into for almost two years. It was made clear to me today that I either do things the way I am being told to do them or I "loose" everything. Ahhh that force called fear strikes enveloping someone I care for and taking over their being allowing them the illusion of control over my fate. So here I am yet again having to welcome it, face it, confront it, and let it go. My first step was to walk away from one long email with all of my mistakes pointed out, which concluded in my failure to meet their expectations. The second step was to take a walk and converse with God. Looking up at the stunning overcast skies I got a clear sign. The light briefly peering through held my answer. It was time to stand up for myself and my work once again not allowing their idea of my failure or fear of loss to keep me from honoring myself and my gut instinct. Take a look at my beautiful sign! Can you see the angels? ;-)

The more I grow the more I can take care of myself and the less the fear of loss paralyzes me. Honestly I can't recall the last time fear paralyzed me. I have leapt big time in many ways and most recently in a way I never have before. I think it's what life wants from us. For us to trust it and its detours. To believe in a life better than the one we envisioned and that is what I saw when I saw the overcast skies before my eyes. I felt like God was saying trust yourself, you may not end up where you thought you would but like before you will end up somewhere just a bit more magical. More deserving. With that thought in mind I took step three. Came home, faced the fear and surrendered. I gave up what I have held so closely to me for so long that she became me and I became her. I let her go. Let it all go. Her world, her family, me living vicariously through her pretending to be a woman with a father and I think she'd be proud. Afterall like me she stood up for what she thought was right too in the pages of her written world.

Unlike her I was standing up for my sense of worth. No longer able to tolerate being told repeatedly how nothing I do is meeting their expectations or vision. All I can conclude is that it doesn't matter what they see because what I see is so different! Afterall I am the one who sailed the ship through the uncharted waters, which included two deaths, a hospitalized loved one, a loved one with cancer, agency changes and the list is endless. Yet in my eyes with everything going on in my life I managed to produce a miracle! A miracle that is not being seen as one. I know the drill. It's not about me, it's about an expectation and how having one gave them a premedated resentment, which is being taken out on me but it's still sad. I had to share my decision to surrender and walk away with my partner in crime in the arts and perhaps that was the hardest thing of all. Breaking his heart and his dream. He understood where I was coming from but like me was sad to see it end this way. My friend Kris told me today that she admired how I could decide where I wanted to go and create the cement to pave the path before me. Her words stole my heart and the emotions they created flowed out of me reminding me of the power I possess when I co- create with my creator. Of the magic in the unknown I have yet again been catapulted into.

In a couple of months if I am unable to secure what I need the most I will no longer be able to call it mine. I am okay with that. I am okay with being a "failure" in their eyes because if I have learned from my past "failures" then I should let you know now MAGIC awaits me. It's simply about it being more magical and beautiful than this. So I release all attachment to what is! I make way for what is currently being conjured up miles and miles away from here far away from planet Earth, which will arrive right on time and become my reality. My story produced by God and the universe. The only co-producer I am willing to work with. Till my fate arrives I leave you with a song I heard today which brought me back to 2006. It is a song which gave me the courage to do "The Art of Being". So let's just say its timing today was impeccable as I am once again "Staring at the blank page before me." "Today is where your book begins. The rest is still unwritten." May you have the courage to write your OWN story even when fear comes knocking on your door forcing its story upon you. May you "Break tradition. Have your tries be outside the line and make mistakes!" May you "FAIL" and follow that failure's detoured road to the life of your dreams!

The Magic in Believing!

2011-10-18T14:28:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time in a land far far away, okay more like almost ten years ago, I was such an insecure people pleaser that I decided to follow the signs and start attending al anon meetings. One of which was always dealing with stomach aches. Our bodies are so wise IF we listen. My relationship at the time like most of my past ones consisted of me being the care taker of someone with the disease of alcholism. I was unbeknowst to me at the time following a pattern. Tired of the two am calls to go pick him up plastered to the window of his car and a final hospital visit I decided to ask him to move out and start a new journey. One the universe was urging to embark on!

Once a broken girl, shy and insecure for all the wrong reasons, I look at myself now and realize that there is magic in believing. Believing in the feeling your sixth sense provides you with. That certain feeling that if you just listen to yourself and no one else, meaning you trust, your gut instinct and not others ideas, the magic will reveal itself in the most magical of ways. ;-) In almost ten years I have worked my program as best as I can one day at a time along with four years of intense therapy and grief counseling. I have learned that my life is about progress not perfection and that I must try as best as I can to mean what I say, say what I mean and not say it meanly. Gifts being present in my recovery have brought me.

I am happy to report that in January I will have my tenth al anon birthday and next month I will be a blessed thirty-five! This caused me to reflect on the woman I have become in those past ten years. I am so not who I was and yet my essence is still there. I am no longer nice because I am afraid of not being liked. I am nice because it is who I am and yet I the same time I am so okay with standing up for myself and having people think I am not nice. "People see the world as they are not as it is" and in that saying my truth is clearly expressed. In order to get people to take your side sometimes we make others what we want (our perception) to win. Have I done it? Uh yeah I'm human. Have I stopped? I would hope so. I do know that any attempt of such behavior is a sign that I must look within and see what inside of me is feeling insecure in order to throw someone I love or care for under the bus. It's hard I tell you but keeping my ego in check is important to me. It's about remembering that I wouldn't want that done to me so why would I do it? It's about a rule very important to me, do unto others as you would want done unto you. If I remember that when I am in anger I can take the time to walk away and heal. Return to the situation when I can come at it with love yet still take care of myself. Knowing that I have to take care of myself is huge! Key word I!! Not something you learn being the youngest of seven. Too much going on at home. ;-)

So here I am on the cusp of a major breakthrough and the forces that have made their way into my magic before have returned in the form of the spoken word commonly known as gossip. When I first started al alon and I learned I could take care of myself I would say to people, "I don't gossip", "I don't like gossip", or "Please don't gossip around me." I worked on this with my sponsor as it was not a very kind thing to say to others as it is accusatory. Since life is subjective it means that what I view as gossip to others can be simple communication. I grew up with that kind of communication and I believe it was that which forced me, unknowingly at the time, to push so hard to be an individual. To not be enmeshed in a cultural or family identity. To honor both but to be ME. I know what some people see when they see me. I can sense it and I can hear it. Some people aren't aware I speak Spanish so I over hear it and some have flat out said to me "I bet you spend all day in front of the mirror fixing your hair."

Well the truth is when I was young I was told to stop looking in the mirror because I was so ugly so why bother. It stayed with me and gladly combined with therapy and al anon made me who I am today. I am proud of myself. I am. I know where I was, what I was taught to believe and what I have come to believe. People can say what they want to say and they will. I can't stop anyone from gossiping about or to me but what I can do is not only consider the source but stay out of it. Most times like it is happening now people provide me with information to prevent me from being hurt. One that stayed with me when I was up for the GLAMOUR/Toyota award was "What are we going to do with her when she doesn't win?" or "He said you are never going to win the other girl is an EMT you merely did a play." Back then I struggled big time. This time around it takes me out of believing for about an hour and I am back connected to my God source, gut.

The same one that allowed me to feel the fear and do it anyway, pack my bags and move to Monterrey at sixteen to be in a pop group. The same group that made my sister in law famous. She's going to kill me but you have to see this. She's singing lead vocals in the yellow. ;-) Sing Anabella!! She will always hold a special place in my heart as we share the dreamer soul. A dream she left behind to marry and raise a family so for her and others I carry the light. Most of all I have immense gratitude for the beautiful nephews she's gifted me!

The gossip ensued. How could my mom let me go at such a young age? How irresponsible! What was I thinking? Wait what was she thinking? Now I can clearly answer that for you, she was thinking that once upon a time she had dreams too, which she never saw become a reality. Just typing that breaks my heart. I remember one of my brothers having really harsh words to say about my choice but they aren't worth repeating. It's the past. I was too young to even remotely get that all those words being spoken weren't because they didn't believe in me. It was that they didn't believe in the idea that LIFE IS MAGICAL. It happened again when I packed my bags and moved to Mexico City at seventeen to go to Fine Arts school. Yet again when I packed my bags and moved to Los Angeles at nineteen instead of going to my classes at UTEP where I had enrolled.

People's opinions of others is a form of communication often labeled as gossip. What you do, how it affects others and why you do it is something only you can understand. At least that is the case for me. So as I sit and simmer in all the words being communicated to me either purposely to warn me or by mere accident, wish I believed in accidents, ;-) I have to do what life has taught me to do, trust myself. Just like I did when I was warned that I shouldn't believe I would win the Toyota award or Coelho competition. Thank God I kept believing regardless as I manifested winning my car. ;-) According to others at the time it was too risky to have that much faith yet everything in me kept telling me to hold on both times and believe me I struggled in way I don't now. Then I believed magic awaited me and now not only do I believe but I trust and know. It'd be silly not to after all I have lived. What I am doing different this time is I am not sharing anything with anyone. All their dispened advice in the form of gossip is based on speculation which by the way could be way off but that is what assuming does, create other's idea of your reality. (May I suggest the Four Agreements. I read it when I was twenty-one and time for re read.)

I know my reality. I know where the signs are pointing and I am not going to let other's fears take the magic out of my life. I can't. Few things scare me like the thought of not following my heart and therefore missing out on MY DESTINY! I believe in fairytales balanced with life on life's terms. I believe magic as much as I believe in doing the hard work to create that magic whether it be creative or self improvement work. I know this time around what exercising my faith and courage muscle has taught me, that NO ONE HOLDS MY DESTINY IN THEIR HANDS. In this case their words. ;-) That life is too short to live for others!!! That sending them love so they can spend more time on conjuring up magic in their own lives instead of trying to disspell the one in mine is what I need to do.

I paid a visit to Neil yesterday and we talked about so much. He knows my dad now so I choose to believe. He knows the pain of my past like few do and he knows what I need now. I believe he combined with all my other angels on the other side are creating this insanely beautiful story I am watching unfold before my eyes, which is as Ms. Swift put it "Enchanting", no matter what it looks like to anyone. As I left his new home I looked up and saw him smile at me in the most magical of ways. Take a look. I had to capture the moment.

I believe in magic because there is MAGIC IN BELIEVING! Most of all because I am going to die. Knowing that each day is a gift so I work hard everyday to stay open to the gifts of the present while trusting that I am worthy because I am a unique creation of God intended to live this life as only I can. Living a story written in the stars just for me unfolding magically before my eyes! Gracias Papa por encontrar una manera de darme lo que tu no pudiste! GRACIAS!!! Stay tuned folks....this year which started out with the death of my father is going to end with a rebirth unlike any other I've had and trust me when I say GLAMOUR and ROME were magical! Yet again this rebirth is the kind, which Hellen Keller might have felt when she sensed that, "the most beautiful things in the world can not be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart." I feel you.

As I got into my car today making my way home to type these words, which were pouring out of me I heard a song I've been hearing a lot all year and I smiled. I smiled at the way in which God and the universe where asking me not to mind the words of others. I am a small town girl, Brownsville to be exact, but most of all I am a unique creation of GOD worthy of great things and I will never stop believing. My prayer for you is that you are able to sense what a gift you are and allow your faith to make you believe in yourself and your story therefore creating A MAGICAL LIFE! I encourage you to follow your heart and if in the process you are detoured from the road you envisioned I guarantee you that you will be so happy you tried which gives you a much better feeling than the regret that comes with the I should have. DON'T STOP BELIEVING! HOLD ON TO THE FEELING!

P.S. You may want to check out "The Magic in Believing" by Claude M. Bristol especially for those days doubt is really trying to be your bestie!

Twenty-one hundred days of destiny were set aside so I could see this day and I thank God.

2011-10-08T09:31:00.000-07:00

That pretty much sums up October 7, 2011 for me and the twenty-one hundred days of destiny that were set aside to see it come to fruition. Almost six years meaning the time since I decided to leave Hollywood's rules of how things had to play out and branch out on my own. Many signs came yesterday of what is unfolding before my eyes including what you read above and this, "Your horoscope for October 7, 2011- Remember that there is a divine force out there in the universe that always loves you, Adriana. No matter what you do, there is always a shoulder to cry on, even if it is not a tangible one. Even in your darkest moments, you are never alone. Let this knowledge carry you through your day today, and feel free to share it with those who seem like they could use a lift." I really was in awe of both and just when I thought communication from God and the universe could not be more clear I was stopped at a light behind a car whose bumper sticker read "Everything is as it should be." One of my favorite sayings and something I have reminded myself often of these past twenty-one hundred days and certainly these past two years.

Yesterday was the day we were finally able to go live with the trailer for Bearing Fruit. A big day for me as I am so proud of what we accomplished! On a personal level it was also the day that I dealt with the attacks of my work and character based on false accusations and had to stand up for myself by providing paperwork. As my mom reminded me on the phone yesterday morning, "You've done your part the rest is in God's hands." That my friends is why I can rest assured that all will be taken care of. After I mass emailed as many friends and colleagues as my email account would allow to share our accomplishment I was spent. Between the setting up of the Kickstarter page and the making sure my certified packages with documents had arrived my body shut down on me and that is when the biggest sign of all showed up.

I turned on the tv and gave myself permission to rest. Yes I still struggle with that. As I channel surfed I came across the final sign that indeed all is as it should be and that this is a BREAKTHROUGH once again that is in my best interest. Invictus was on HBO. One of my favorite movies which includes these amazing words.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Those words are so extremely powerful and when you watch the film you can't help but be amazed of the power of the human spirit. Nine thousand days was how many days Mandela spent in prison and he is a testament to what can happen when you chose the light. A light I believe all of us carry within which allows us not to become a victim of circumstance. If anyone is an example of what it is possible to overcome it's him. I do not dare compare my journey to his but I also will not regard it as less simply as different. Both have challenges and circumstances that we have faced just like you are facing right now. The following song has stayed with me as in its lyrics lies immense hope, faith, courage and possibility. Listen.

So as I lay on the couch resting from the twenty-one hundred days that led to finally bearing the fruit of my labor I thanked God for showing me in so many ways in one day that I am indeed the master of my fate, the captain of my soul. I cried a lot because I am not used to having my character attacked to such an extent and have never had to stand up in this particular way but I knew and trusted that it is indeed all leading me somewhere. I know its happening to guide me to something better! Leading me to my purpose. I began to reminisce.

I thought of what I felt when I first began my company. Of the love I found not only in my own work but in the eyes of my then mentor. I thought of how years later we'd cross paths at his bestfriend's funeral and not speak a word to each other. I thought of how my ex boyfriend eventually loathed all he loved about me and how that led to me taking off to Austin for Valentine's instead of Santa Barbara with him as he broke up with me. I took a book with me called The Witch of Portobello and went on to portray that witch in my second production. I thought of how that led to me walking the red carpet in Rome with my favorite author. I realized how that led to me having the courage to say yes when I heard "It's time to do a feature film." How when doubt tried to befriend it made it easier to not accept its friendship thanks to all I have lived.

I also thought a lot about the last and frankly only time I spoke with my father since I was seven. I thought about his words to me, "I am so proud of you" and then I thought about what happened on set this time. As I have said before the experience of emotions my life has provided me with in the last year is something no teacher or acting school could provide. It is something I believe only the school of life could further proving I went to bear fruit right on time. At the end of the day at the end of one scene I got sentimental looking at Ruben who plays my dad. He happens to physically remind me of my father. As we took our places to commence another take my eyes began to well up. The scene called for my father to sweetly ask me if I was certain of what I was doing to which I replied I wasn't a kid and we walked our way off set laughing.

I could have never predicted what would happen on our third take. He looked me in the eyes put his arms around me and I could no longer hold it in. The tears came pouring out and unable to say my lines he held me close and tight as I wept and in the most MAGICAL of ways he held my face in his hands and uttered the words "I so am proud of you" which only made me cry more. He then picked my face up again and said "Te Quiero." It's hard to explain but even as I am typing I am balling my eyes out because I knew what was happening. My dad was there. He was telling me what he never could face to face and he chose the perfect moment to look into my eyes and say it. It makes perfect sense to me and someday I will release the raw footage.

Reminiscing about all this brought truth to the words in the song above. Except for me it's twenty-one hundred days that were set aside of destiny so I could see this day. You should see where this is leading. Wish I could tell you but it would ruin the surprise. What I do want to share is that I have amazing friends, colleagues, and family! The outpouring of support to help me keep this dream alive is astounding and that is why I am GRATEFUL the Investor went back on his word that fateful day in January the week my father passed. Thanks to his inability to be his word and proceed with the film I got you. All of you. I got to share this journey with you, get to know you and all of us together got to become a stronger community in oh so many ways. Some of you held me up after Neil and my dad's death. Some of you held me up to help me bear fruit once again when I was ready and some of you are doing it now by supporting the fruit of my labor. Words can not express my gratitude! I am grateful for my twenty-one hundred days as the boss at Adriana Garza Productions. ;-) I am grateful for the ride and most of all I am grateful that I did not let the circumstance matter. I am grateful that I believed the circumstance brought me you. With immense gratitude I present to you the fruit of OUR labor.

Any donation towards helping us bear the mother of all fruits is greatly appreciated.

We did it! We FREAKING did it!

2011-10-05T18:34:00.000-07:00

Today was supposed to be the day we went live with the Bearing Fruit trailer version one. Sadly it did not happen because the website that is exclusively going to host our trailer has a longer procedure than we anticipated. That doesn't mean this took the feeling away from me that YES, WE FREAKING DID IT!!! I don't curse. Okay more like I rarely curse mostly because it doesn't come organically to me but also because I have nine stunning souls known as my niece and nephews and one precious angel named Zoey who I have chosen to be an example for and who are constantly on Facebook watching my every move. ;-) I don't ever feel the need to curse and especially not in front of them but I have to be honest when we I saw the rough cut of the trailer all I could think of was WE F****** DID IT! I did think that and it came out my mouth along with oh my F****** God. Forgive me father for I am human. I am kidding of course. My creator created me and therefore knows me and my sense of humor but you may not. ;-)

I seriously can not wait to go live online with our work. Some may see it and believe it was produced overnight, almost. Ten pre-production days, three shoot days and one week of post. Well overnight, rushed, quickly or any other word to describe this fruition is far from truth. It's more like two years and two months! Yup that is how long I have been at this. As a matter of fact our script reviser told me someone mentioned the project to her recently saying they were still wanting to be considered for it and commented about me still trying to Bear Fruit. ;-) I had said to Danielle recently that I would accept if this was not God's will for me and know to walk away but that didn't mean it wouldn't hurt. Even as I uttered those words I knew it wasn't going to be the case. She didn't think so either no matter what we saw at the time. For me a lot lies in the unseen which only your gut tells you of. One thing I did know for sure was how much my faith in God has and continues to grow.

John Rincon, the writer, and I met at Austin Java in July of 2009. I remember it like it was yesterday. He was rushing back to Austin from Corpus Christi for our meeting. We had spoken a few times and I was blown away by his concept so much that I was anxiously awaiting his arrival. This man held in his being a unique story idea that showcased Latinos in the lead roles with a story line that has never been done before. As a matter of fact the few industry friends who previewed the trailer were quick to mention that it had never been done before. We spoke and when I left I was clear on one thing, the crossing of our paths was a universal conspiracy under God's guidance. No coincidence! I asked him to please have a first draft of his screenplay to me by January of 2010. Of course after that all the logistics of optioning a screenplay took place with lawyers involved etc. and the journey began.

To be honest I lost count of drafts. I truly did. One of the biggest lessons working on something like this brings is that in order to bring it to fruition you have to learn the Art of Compromising. It does not mean that you should sit back and not speak your heart but for me at least it means learn which battles are most important and fight those. Like I told Randy, our director, last night "This is not about whose right or not. It's about what is creatively best for the film." I have to remind myself that because when you have the writer, the director and the producer collaborating as much as we do you will butt heads. The greatest thing is knowing when to LET GO! There are things I won't compromise on like morals, ethics, and values. All things that are very important for me to have be the foundation of this and any production I do. On and off set everyone is equal we all just happen to hold different job titles. Sometimes this can get me in trouble as people can try to take advantage. Being in a team has also taught me to speak up and stand my ground when something is blatantly not right. A situation that rarely happened with this current production.

We have all been blessed to have been chosen to bring Bearing Fruit to fruition and to choose it back. It has been quite the ride. Countless changes, casting sessions, a few directors, a few co-producers etc. and in the end one year after we started casting Randy, John and I were left standing. We've seen the Investors come and go. We've seen people get credit for something they didn't really do and we've seen egos fear appear. Yet we've managed to handle it all with grace. Well I'd like to think we have. At least I try to. I've made mistakes and learned from them. I've seen others make mistakes and learn from them. Most of all I've seen exactly what can be born of a faith so deep no one can understand it but me.

I know this is my calling. I know that my gut aka God compass guides me to where I am meant to be in this existence to better serve my purpose and humanity. This story will have people talking as it is far from black and white. It will hopefully open their minds and make them realize that we are no one to judge any one's choices. That we don't walk in someone else's shoes therefore could never truly know the why to their choices. I believe this story will do something that film featuring a minority cast rarely does. Tell a story that anyone of any ethnic background can identify with. It will make race, sexuality and any other label be the secondary story line. It is about humanity, its complexity and how everything no matter how harsh it may feel sometimes is definitely leading us somewhere and to our purpose. It's about one woman's journey to discover her voice. It's about a journey we all as humans endure. A realization that our voice counts and when we silence it we learn the biggest lessons of all.

The time has come to share with the world a possibility of what we can bear. If this is what we can do with one hundred and fifty dollars, ten days of pre-production, three days of shooting and one week of post, can you imagine what we can do with a budget?!! I am proud actually beyond proud of all of us. We did something that is rarely heard of. This morning for the first time I think ever I acknowledged myself for my accomplishment. Weird since its been six years almost since my indie production company launched and this is the first time I told myself You F****** did it!!! All of the sudden it came to me, "Be proud of yourself and your courage. Most of all of the miracle your faith created and of your ability to follow the signs!" I smiled because I can acknowledge others well but I am not one to say YOU ROCK but you know what I do and I F****** DID IT. I do rock not only for having faith in myself and the project but in the fact that all the angels I needed would fly in right on time and they did!!! Boy did they.

There was no contribution too small. Without everyone involved there would be no trailer. Maybe a flip video of me and Michael acting out the scenes while Randy directs us but definitely no trailer. ;-) So with that in mind I acknowledge EVERYONE involved in the Bearing Fruit Trailer shoot. Whether you referred me to someone or actively participated I THANK YOU!! I honor your ability to show up and be of service and provide us with your ART. From DP to Actors you gave us your talent free of charge all to help us keep the dream alive. YOU ARE MY ANGEL!!! There comes a moment when everything inside you tells you your life is about to change in the best of ways. In my case yet again! Your gut and the signs guide you through the unknown to the destination. I am about to arrive somewhere that will exceed my dreams. I know it. I just do. How do I know? I've done the work, learned my worth, and opened my heart to the endless possibilities most of all followed my heart guided by faith and love (God). As I head to my destination, which could have only been reached by these constant detours I endured including loss of loved ones and friendships ending, I acknowledge you. The man or woman who came into my life and guided me when I needed it most. You did this with me and there are no words to express my gratitude. Honestly all I can think of now is WE FUCKING DID IT! Victory dance time!!!

I am a force of LOVE to be reckoned with.

2011-09-29T09:05:00.000-07:00

The moment comes when you are cornered by false accusations, which are very different then perception as sometimes fear makes people flat out lie and it's such a crucial moment because this is when my ego wants to fight back. Usually profanity comes to mind and if I don't listen to my heart my mouth will open and speak words I WILL come to regret. My ability to stay still and wait for the words to come from my heart is what makes people believe I am weak. People can confuse love with stupidity and inability to take care of myself but that is far from the truth for me. The fact that I bring a different kind of weapon, my heart, to the battlefield confuses people. I choose to respond in love with love and while this isn't always my choice I work hard each time to chose it. Like I am now.

Once again that force is at it again making people believe they control my destiny. It quite never gets tired of showing up at moments when I already have a lot going on in life but I came to the realization that due to my immense growth in Faith in the last few years it is actually arriving right on time. Perhaps this time I am not the student but the teacher. I believe we are constantly one or the other depending on the lesson God has sent the universe to teach us. Perhaps I am both as while I will stand up and take care of myself I will also do it in love and show people that taking care of oneself does not mean taking someone else down in the process. I see this belief in life that if we don't beat others to the finish line we loose. I believe that if we don't beat others to the finish line we are simply being detoured to our road, which consists of a destiny that could only be made a reality by YOU! Unique you who possesses a kingdom of your own within you that holds your unique qualities that will create your unique success unlike anyone else's. If we are open to it we can see success in abundance.

I see that perception. I am able to do what no one else can in a way only I can and in the process I produce my destiny. Someone has come armed with fear yet again threatening to take what they believe they can. They have no idea that I understand that this is part of God's plan. They have come to teach me yet again about character, strength and courage. I hope that my part in this is to teach them about fighting with dignity. About doing what feels right without trying to take others down out of fear. I have unfortunately been cornered pretty badly so much that it is getting hard to breath with their constant harassment so now I have to "fight" back. Being in a corner is no bueno! No one puts baby in a corner. ;-) I would like to breathe the air that is here for all of us, which is by the way provided by a force much greater than this person. That is where it gets tricky. This person actually believes they control my oxygen and ability to breathe.

So I've prepared my case and lucky for me it's a good one because it's the truth. You see when you attack out of fear false evidence appears and Ewa answers. Any Avatar fans? That is my favorite line, "Ewa heard you!" That moment has come for me and not only has Ewa heard me, Ewa is always with me. My understanding of it that is. Which means no I will not try to belittle this person or attack with false accusations I will simply provide evidence that discredits all they are speaking. I have to say it is really sad in this day and age to see someone try so hard to discredit everything I have earned simply because I am a Mexican woman and add success to that and forget I've signed my death sentence. Racism is such a sad force but it's messing with someone who understands I am worthy because I am God's child created in love of love. So it's messing with the wrong God child. ;-)

That is how this force some call evil works. It invades people who can easily be taken over by it and attacks the light. I am light. I choose light. I like anyone can choose darkness and to be consumed by it especially with all the last two years has brought but that is not what I came to this existence to do. I came to carry the light. I came to be light and I came to help others honor their light. So to you Dear Sir I say, "See you on the battlefield. I will look the same yet you may notice more compassion, love and understanding while I provide my evidence. That is what is called the LIGHT." I too can command the wind sir. I have a hurricane in me that can strip away your fear if you dare to me. I AM LOVE!

I AM A FORCE OF LOVE TO BE RECKONED WITH! I will leave you with the words that provided me with comfort and solace after the most recent attack two days ago. Wait for the final shot, it's my favorite. When fear comes to you and tries to strip you of all that is good in you I hope you too can attend the battlefield armed with your heart on your sleeve and your light shining so brightly from within! "I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive, I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise, to FLY!" May you do the same and may your example help other fly away from fear towards the light! May you choose to be the light!

The one hundred fifty dollar miracle!

2011-09-27T09:37:00.000-07:00

On September 7, 2011 Randy and I decided to shoot a trailer for Bearing Fruit in an effort to help us raise the money for the film after the Investor backed out on backing the film the week my father passed. Since then I have tried as best as I can to move forward, secure funding once again even through grants all while healing. A deadline is upon us so this was what we came up with to try and move forward. We had no budget so all we could rely on were favors and as I see it God, the universe and all my angels. Now would be a good time to say that is strictly my view and opinion not the entire Bearing Fruit production team. Now would also be a good time to say it worked and a $100 dollar miracle was born!!!

In a week and a half we recast some of the original cast, hired crew, extras, secured locations, catered, got props, etc. and quite frankly shot a short even though only a trailer was the original intention. Yet again I saw what is born of faith. However none of this would have been possible if it weren't for all the amazing people God and the universe conspired to cross our paths with. We needed restaurants, homes, apartments and so much in such little time. Everyone also had to be willing to let us use everything without us having insurance and everyone working on the film from crew to actor had to come do it for free. Oh and did I mention we also had to have all the equipment from camera to lights for free? When I say we had no budget I mean we had no budget. Originally I out of pocketed one hundred dollars for the food but then someone crossed our path who wanted to donate that to the production asking for nothing in return but I could not let that be the case. I offered a credit, which they declined saying the just wanted to be of service. AMAZING!! Yes it's one hundred dollars but it's the act that counts not the amount.

Randy and I worked non-stop from September 7 to the day we hit the set on September 17 and then the other work began. The we are so blessed to be able to do this work! The fun stuff on the set. As I looked around I was amazed at what we had pulled of in ten days. I kept thinking about how when the universe shows up and asks you to step into something really daunting and big and you actually do, magic happens. So many amazing friends, new and old, showed up to support us knowing of our impending deadline and also about all the work we've put in not only trying to get the film made but developing the script as well into something we could all proudly put our names on. Something with the writer's amazing and unique storyline that also held no stereotypes. Where people are looked at as people trying to figure life out and race, etc. is secondary. After being on the set I can the mission was accomplished.

Led by our DP Drew Gayner we shot for two days straight a thirty page script. Kind of. This is where it became a bit tricky. In an effort to put the best of the best in the trailer and make it something that captures people's attention Randy put together a thirty page script. You should have seen my face when I saw what he wanted to do. I joked "you do realize this is on no budget?" After all I had shot fifteen pages for The Experimental Witch for the cost of $7,500 and that was without Neil charging me and we shot for three days. He wanted to accomplish so much in such little time but I knew what God and the universe were asking of me so I stepped into it and trusted that I would be guided through it. Did I mention I am also the lead? LINE? ;-) Instead of letting fear take over me we compromised as Randy and I have learned to in the past year. He could shoot all that but we would have to add a day. The one hundred dollar miracle became the one hundred fifty dollar miracle but still can you believe it? We did it! We freaking did it!!!! We shot thirty pages on one hundred and fifty dollars!

I've seen about close to two minutes of trailer footage without color correction, final music, etc. so a very rough cut and I am so proud of everyone! I keep thinking about how with my first production, The Art of Being, I had next to no money but I did it. Then after I won the award and took it on tour I out of pocketed $20,000 which I never recouped. After that with The Experimental Witch I out of pocketed $10,000 after all the shipping to Italy and made $3,700 back as the competition's winner. As you can see the company hasn't really brought money in and that is why without an Investor a miracle had to be produced. What I was left thinking is how magical life is. How what you believe is what you create and how if you can really open your heart to the endless possibilities you co create them with God, the universe conspires and your dreams are manifested even when it appears that you have NOTHING! Appears is the key word. You see I may have lost most of the money I invested but I gained a huge thing no amount of money can give you, FAITH!

I wonder how much I would have really learned in the years my indie company came to life if everything was handed to me. I wonder what my life would be like if I didn't have to navigate the darkness of the unknown to get to the magic. One of the things that stands out the most for me is that while some have seen my choices as poor since I am not sitting on a pile of money and their judgement caused us to part ways mostly I have learned about the kindness of the human spirit. In order to succeed in anything you need help. Basically we need eachother and while I may be the one steering the ship through the stormy waters I know for a fact that without everyone who has chosen to come on board and light the way with their inner light we would not have reached our destination this time or any production in the past. I whole heartily believe that what you invest in the world and humanity is what you invest in yourself and it comes back when you need it most if you are able to see it.

I am and I am grateful for all the following people who are the dreamers behind the one hundred fifty dollar miracle called the "Bearing Fruit" trailer. God and the universe for crossing our paths with the following people Ruben Garfias, Michael Mullen, Carlos Acuna, Sheila Hart, Benjamin Lutz, Hans Hernke, Drew Gayner, Adam, Vanessa, Michael Huang, Lisa Skarveles, Hannah and Neil Lisk, Mercedes Cortazar Ferguson, Eric Schwartz, Finian Makepeace, Susan and Jim Vopicka, Bev and Herb Bishop, Alejandro Ortiz and Ingrid Smart at Cassanova Pendrill, Sarah and Grant Smith, Pamela Corey, James Duenas, Mercedes Garza, Lizanne Keigley, Laura and Emily Froust, Andy Forrest, Jon~Cienna and Danielle Artigo, Leo Ibanez, Nicole and Vince Shultz, Jason Mraz and Diane Wagner at WMG Publishing, Blanca Valdez and Blanca Valdez Casting, Jerry Gabaldon and the Pacific Arts Dance Center, Ayesha Jarnegan, Josefa Salinas, Ryland Engelhart and Cary Moiser at Cafe Gratitude, Kellie and Adam Guerrero, Jake Versluis, Areli and Karina Paredes, Eve Muller, Kunal Rajan and last but not least the man who provides all my headaches, Paul Rodriguez. ;-) VERY SPECIAL THANKS to my partner in the arts for the over a year now our film's director, Randy Kent! Thank you for believing in me, the film and my overall mission. The universe will conspire. I promise! Timing IS everything! Most of all John Rincon thank you for giving us all a job to do with your unique screenplay!!!

You see it may have only taken one hundred and fifty dollars BUT without all these people that would not have been possible proving yet again that money doesn't make the dream a reality entirely on its own. For me without eachother we are just dreamers but with eachother and faith we make that dream our reality! You can see behind the scenes pictures and videos at http://www.facebook.com/AdrianaGarzaProductions but here are a few good ones!

One day before the shoot and here is what is happening.

Day One on the Set at Cafe Gratitude Los Angeles.

Day One on the set continued.....

Day One on the set continued....

Day Two on the set commences in Austin aka Laguna Hills, CA.

Day Three on the set. Rehearsing a dance scene and as you will see I love to mess with Randy.

Today as we make our way through post production I am so grateful for all my angels, for the courage Randy and I had in moving forward through the unknown and most of all I am grateful for my understanding of timing and for trusting that when others want outcomes on their time is it okay for me to sit and breathe my way through it. To trust myself and know that when the time has come to move I will know. There were those who tried hard to push this caterpillar out of its cocoon before my healing was done so their dreams could be made a reality on their time. I am so blessed and beyond grateful God and the universe did not allow it as every moment, every action and every person whose crossed my path in the year since I optioned the script arrived right on time to help light my way and guide me here. A time when this trailer would arrive, God's time. It's the only time for me to arrive on because that is the time when the magic and miracles appear.

As I breathe my way through the unknown and continue to trust in its magic I leave you with a gem to remind you all is as it should be especially in moments when doubt comes to befriend you. May you see the blessings and the angels that help you manifest your dreams too as I am certain they are there! After all it's all in how we choose to see life on life's terms. Don't forget to be breathe and in doing so I hope you too are graced with the presence of abundance and gratitude even if it APPEARS different to others. All that matters is what you see. May you see the miracle that is LIFE! "There are two ways to live life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as thought everything is a miracle!" A. Einstein...the choice is yours!

It's a beautiful day! A miracle is born of faith and gratitude.

2011-09-12T08:47:00.000-07:00

I have spent the last few days since a decision was reached last Wednesday to save our current project after we were given news that we weren't expecting, working non-stop. When I was told how not doing something is going to cost me well a fire was lit under my tush, whether it was done in a polite way or not at this point is besides the point. What it did was ignite the fire to save two years worth of hard work. There is no way I can hand over all we've done to develop something and walk away and we just call in the day. I am not who I am today or where I am because I walked away in defeat when things were detoured or fear descended. I am where I am because when things got detoured and I had to find a way, I did just that. I found a way.

It would be beyond foolish for me to say the ways now and in the past where found solely because of my hard work. This current production has had two casts and a few rounds of production people with one person always by my side for over a year now. Its Director, Randy. We have lived through so much together. Right now would be a great time to thank his amazingly patient wife! It's a good thing I am single or I may be by now with all I have had to pour into this production. Who could put up with this amount of passion for Latinos in film, for going beyond what meets the eye, for presenting a story like no other that could actually leave people with a more open heart and less judgement? Well hopefully someone but for now all is as it should be in that department. Each of us in separate worlds honoring our own art till the planets align and the universe conspires. Timing is everything! ;-)

Randy's wife is not the only one I came here to acknowledge this beautiful morning. It is a list of endless angels who upon getting my emails started flying in left and right wanting nothing in return but to help see this dream come to life. You want to know who your real friends are and you want to see people put their words into action produce something with no money. I thought my other budgets were tight? HA! I actually have one weekend to produce this with know idea how I will feed everyone but with absolute faith that the fish will be multiplied. Due to that faith things are unfolding beautifully and so today I came to share with you the dreamer my miracle being born of faith in hopes that you can find it in you to follow your heart to follow that voice that while it may be more quiet than others at times is always still there reassuring of the good that awaits you which the other voices try hard to silence. That is the one I follow and because I do after four days of working straight I have about seventy-five percent of my work done! All FAVORS with NO ONE making a dime. And the say MIRACLES don't exist! ;-)

I am not here to condemn those who preach all about helping eachother and when push comes to shove are nowhere to be found but I am here to HONOR all those who are able to move beyond fear and put their words into actions. This list is partial and I am sure as the week goes by and we get ready to go to set Saturday it will have grown. The gratitude I have for these people can not be expressed in words but you should know that what you will see by the end of the month that is an effort to save our project is because of these people. Mercedes Ferguson-Cortazar, Sarah and Grant Smith, Beverly Bishop, Areli Paredes, Josefa Salinas, Kunal, Michael Huang, Leo, Eric Schwartz, Pamela Corey, Mary Queen Angel, Danielle Artigo, Blanca Valdez, Ruben Garfias, Eve Muller, Vince and Nicole Shultz, Lisa, Randy, Michael Mullen, Micheal Teh, Jessica Ranek and Alejandro and Ingrid at ad agency behind my UNICEF ad. None of which asked for this acknowledgement and some too humble to accept it. All these people and many others voluntarily CHOSE to step into the ring with me and keep up the fight till the day my fate is delivered. In a little less than two months. ;-) Till that day I will fight as best as I can without hurting anyone or anything but simply honoring my calling. I was born to be a warrior and I will honor it and all that comes with it and be grateful that prayers are always answered on God's time.

It is said that what you put out is what you get back. Here's a little proof. I could have never known in 2009 that I would need a house that was ranch style in 2011 to make a project come to life. What I did know in that moment was that I was willing to go off the grid and shoot a commercial for UNICEF because as they saw at the audition I have been a supporter for years. I flashed them my donor card. Some people flash other things at auditions I flash donor cards. ;-) I earn my work on merit or as some see it loose it because of merit. I prefer to see it as my gain and this was a gain I had no idea would come back this big. I did this spot because people aren't getting a basic human right, water. I did it because people not having clean water is simply not okay in my world, period. This morning Alejandro and Ingrid, Creative Director and CEO respectively of Ad agency behind spot, sent me an email informing me that they would provide such location and that it was what they could do to pay me back for what I had done for UNICEF. This was a payback I could have never for seen and quite frankly the spot winning eight International awards was more than enough. I had already been paid in other ways but today yet again I was paid in another ways. It is indeed true that what you put out comes back but what is best about that is when you don't expect it to come back and God and the universe surprise you in the most magical of ways when you need it most. Their emails brought tears to my eyes.

I must get back to work because oh yeah not only am I producing but I star in it. I hope to make you proud as we have no stereotypes and my character while Latina is not a housekeeper or temptress but a law student and above all a human being simply being trying to find her way through life as best as she can while life happens on life's terms. I will tell you this, while some may have seen my choice to stop and heal as lazy because I worked less I see it as life imitating art. What that time gave me to prepare for this character and the amount of loss both her and I have to deal with is no coincidence but part of the plan that was being weaved into the pattern of my life to prepare me for something that only life could have prepared me for. No acting class or coach could have given me the depth of emotions life did which I will need to call upon this weekend. Please send me light, love, prayers or whatever you believe in for a magical shoot and strength to make it through.

Today is a beautiful day so I leave you with this. I used it in my play when I walked onstage to do my monologue as my intro song. I share it with you because as you just read I have a lot to be grateful for! My list is soooo long and it includes you. Thank you for taking time out of your day to read this. I hope you can find the beauty in what are called the everyday mundane tasks and may your path be crossed with angels willing to help you see your dream become a reality. I believe in gratitude lies abundance for you are able to see more of life's blessings!

An excerpt from today's Daily OM Horoscope which I read upon completing blog. Timing!
"As you feel the soothing energy of your environment, you may want to extend a few words of thanks to the universe for taking care of you. Simply being in this space can add to your overall sense of well-being.

Appreciating our surroundings lets us remain aware of the wonders we have been given. Allowing ourselves to be enveloped by the warmth of our environment and loved ones increases our awareness of the beauty that is in our lives. When times are difficult, it can be easy to forget that we have been blessed with so much. Realizing that we have everything we need in the present moment, however, helps us cultivate our feelings of contentment since we see that there is nothing lacking in our lives. By recognizing all that the universe has offered you, you will feel greater peace, joy, and warmth in your life today."

The time has come to rise above once again! An Entirely New Direction has arrived!

2011-09-09T08:46:00.000-07:00

Its become apparent that this long winding road is coming to an end and it's time for a new beginning! This means everything as I know it is seizing to exist. All I have been, all I have learned, all as it is and was is going to be left behind. The time is here to step into a world that exceeds my expectations once again. The last time I was asked to step into something so big and leave so much behind "The Art of Being" came to life. Thanks to that experience I can see people's threats for what they are. Sometimes life needs you to be somewhere else to serve your highest good and contribute to society how you are meant to and when you don't get it sometimes, just sometimes, it will take you there with a swift gentle kick in the ass like it has me. The fortunate thing for me is that all the people who have come at me with their fears in the past few weeks threatening to strip me of what they think they have in store for me and holds power over me have been reminders that it is time. Time to move on, step into what God has been preparing me for and rise above once again.

What is coming is going to not only blow me away but I think none of us are going to have seen this one coming well maybe I have. Oh that gut of mine. ;-) Everything inside of me is telling me so and in the words of my friend Mary Queen this morning it was reaffirmed. That is the beauty and magic of God, the universe, the unknown and how it decides to make itself known. Knowing what threat was imposed on me by another human yesterday, certainly not God, Mary echoed my sentiments. The time is here. It is time for you to move on to greater things she said.

I have never sat in a room for a half hour and had someone repeatedly tell me how worthless I am, how I can do nothing right and that I don't meet their expectations. Wait there was that time a roadtrip in a foreign country provided that for me and that was longer than a half hour so I take it back. ;-) I sat there and sent them love, said the serenity prayer and at one point took several deep breaths. I needed to do all this to be able to focus on the truth as I see it and not lash out in ego. It's not me that holds all these character defects, it's them and their tortured past they are trying to impose on me to try to destroy me as they have never quite been comfortable with a woman in a position of "power". A power I choose to use to try as best as I can everyday through my life and work to follow my calling and create and send love into this vast universe in everything I do.

This was the second time in one week I was told by someone how I am failing and how I should have done things. Fear is actually winning them over allowing them to believe they can control me and my destiny. So for them I pray. I pray they have the ability to believe in endless possibilities where belittling others to get ahead and succeed is not the way of life. To trust that there is enough for all of us! That abundance is found in gratitude for what is and not what we wish was. That threatening others and their well being is not a way to hold control. It's an illusion of control. I do understand though. I know they are desperately trying to get their way and using the only tools they know how to try control unable to let go of what doesn't lie in their hands making themselves believe they control my destiny. So for them and their fears I hold compassion. I pray they find a way to heal and someday maybe even have the ability to not hurt themselves so much, as I abide by the golden rule that as you do so shall be done to you. I don't believe karma is a bitch I believe it is what you make it so careful. Our choices are powerful and what we put out is what we get back.

That is precisely why I can't take on their fears because what I put out is between me and God and trust me I have nothing to fear nor will I allow False Evidence Appearing Real to destroy me. This negative energy some label as evil and others as the devil has visited me before and I see it for what it is when we meet. An energy taking over someone. I don't believe that person is actually evil but just as you can invite in the light, you can invite the darkness in as well. Not to be confused by the darkness that arrives as the hurricane comes in bringing life on life's terms situations like death. They are so different. To me at least.

I've have seen a lot in my thirty- four years and especially the last five. I have been stripped of everything as I knew it before. I have sat in my dining room contemplating the news that my commercials were not going to air, tight on money believing the money for the play was gone, hearing God firmly but gently say "do what you love, the money will follow", and finally with complete AWARENESS choosing that voice over all others in the committee who told me I couldn't and shouldn't do the play because it was too risky. Within a few weeks of the play opening I was a finalist for a nationwide award and by the end of that same year I had won the award, flown to NY twice, appeared in GLAMOUR magazine twice, was honored in a ceremony here and was an honored guest at the Woman of the Year Awards at Carnegie Hall, in the end taking home a 2007 Toyota Camry Hybrid all because I choose love over fear and in the process allowed God to guide me to what I am meant to be doing here. The play was about humanity for humanity to help us all look beyond what meets the eye, bridge the gap of loneliness within humanity and help us all including me feel more at home in our skin especially in this advertiser driven world where the belief that being is simply not enough is constantly thrown at us.

Soon after I was able to follow the signs once more and ended up walking the red carpet with the author who at one point in life served a tremendous purpose in my life and gave me strength to keep moving forward and who eventually taught me exactly what I am made of and how much courage I have. Also even more tight on money at the time I found a way to make that film and God as usual sent angels my way left and right to guide the project all the way to Rome. One of them left us too soon, so I believe but I am sure it was right on time even if I can't see it. So here I am today moving forward beyond the current "opposition" I prefer to look at as fear taking over others and I so desperately want him to be on this upcoming shoot. I want to call Neil and have him bring his people with him and guide me once more and I can't. I have a week to go to this shoot and while he is not physically here he is guiding me and giving me courage to multiply the fish and feed everyone. ;-) Trust me. Between him, my dad, grandpa, first agent and first therapist I know I have a team on the other side that help give me the strength to go on. To rise above and beyond and that in the most magical of ways they are helping the universe conspire.

The truth is that behind every human and their accomplishments are extraordinary beings. I am grateful oh so beyond grateful that upon sharing the news with Danielle, Bev, Areli and Mary Queen about yesterday's half hour fear session that was poured on me but slid off like water off a duck's back they all had similar reactions. All thrilled for where life is guiding me. Mary called me a warrior and I smiled at the thought for the first time in a long time. That word has been misused before by someone so they can manipulate people into buying into something they don't even stand for but make others believe they do. So I had a really tough time with it for a while now and finally a few years later I can be called a warrior and it is once again the sweetest sound my ears can hear. My definition of warrior.

These ladies hold my hand in absolute faith always supporting my decisions and where I choose to follow my guidance aka God compass i.e. gut instinct. ;-) Danielle and Mary Queen always tell me when they hear the latest, "I am not worried for you. You are the last person I am worried about. Actually excited to see where this is leading." May you be blessed to have at least one friend like them that sees the light peering through the darkness. Thank you to these heavenly earthbound angels! Randy and Lisa thanks for choosing to stay in the final stretch with me helping me to home base where the fruits of our labors awaits us. You know what I mean. We are doing it!

I have loved and lost tremendously. I have been ready to wed at twenty-two only to find myself in the biggest of betrayals, which was actually a blessing in disguise this then twenty-two year old couldn't see. A called off union led to uniting with my soul and finding my way back to myself and forgiveness for him. I have had cents in my bank account with no idea of where money would come from and yet it did. I have found a tremendously supportive male mentor, fell in love and seen him leave my life telling me I was someone he wanted nothing to do with. I have endured countless job interviews i.e. auditions in hopes of living my dream. Some even recently with not so very nice people running the sessions belittling myself and others with their attitudes yet kept hope alive that they can find love and walking away with the lesson yet again that no job is worth my dignity. That money can't buy me or anything- not happiness, not beauty, not a thing. All I have received in the past five years due to my efforts has come in big amounts of LOVE, a love no amount of money can buy. However now after years of living all this including loss in the form of death of loved ones the time has come to rise above and beyond!

In order to step into a new beginning you have to be willing to let go of EVERYTHING as you know it. You can take everything from me but you can't take my essence. I have learned one of the greatest gifts life bestows upon us if we are willing to receive it. I have learned the Art of LETTING GO! I am letting go of all I have known preparing myself for what I am going to know while being present in the gifts of today. I don't know what is going to happen in the next three months but I know this, these "threats" i.e blessings in disguise have come to take me by the hand and oh so gently guide me into the what next. A what next I am being told is something only God and the universe along with all my angels can conjure up. Two deaths, agency changes, an expiring movie option, the threat of loosing my home, financial instability, and fear trying once again to destroy me (wonder if it gets tired of being such a pest, seriously!) is what it is taking for me to make my way into my NEW BEGINNING! Don't know where I am headed but I can guarantee you one thing, like a skyscraper I will be rising from the ground! The time has come!

I believe in miracles and....

2011-09-03T18:52:00.000-07:00

looking at adversity through the eyes of gratitude. When things don't turn out as I envisioned and I am detoured yet again my instinct is stop and make a list of all of the things I am grateful for in that very moment. Simply because fear is trying to replace my true passion, LOVE, with itself and I can get back to LOVE by facing that fear if I just stop and BE GRATEFUL. So today I am dealing with news I got a few days ago, which I was not expecting but didn't fight instead I made a list. It can be really long so I'll keep it short. Me short? I will try! Okay, fine who am I kidding. ;-)

I am grateful for my eyes which upon opening this morning were able to see all the beauty that surrounds me from all the blessings within my home to all the ones that awaited me just outside my door. I am grateful for the fighting soul I was blessed with which has taught me when to keep up the good fight and when to let go and trust in God and the universe. I am grateful for senses, all of them, the ones that let me take in the smells of the planet to the one which with no true logical explanation will come in and share news with me of what is yet to come asking me to trust beyond what I can see or what others have the capacity to believe in. I am grateful for my toes who kept up with me as best as possible in dance class even though they were in some pain. I am grateful they allowed me to feed my soul. I am grateful for my dance teacher and every student in there learning and teaching me about the art of being present in one's own rhythm dancing to a beat all our own.

I am grateful for you taking time out of your precious day to read this. I am grateful for my fingers that are typing this at this very moment. I am grateful for Cienna's smile who in four months of existence has made me smile on a weekly basis and reminded me of what is yet to come for me. I am grateful for her momma Danielle who is tirelessly putting together a very late surprise wedding gift for some friends after someone else was unable to be their word. I am grateful for her ability to learn how to do it but most of all I am grateful for her listening ears which are invaluable! Oh the secrets they keep. I am grateful she sends secrets my way to. I am grateful for my car, the roof over my head, and all the ways in which God continues to bless me.

I am grateful for my mom and her art of being. Mom says, "Adriana why don't you go work at that restaurant where actresses get discovered by Producers?" Adriana says, "Sure mom and while I am at it I will get a time machine to go back to the decade when that happened." Mom proceeds to tell me what decade that was. I am grateful that after fifteen years in Los Angeles, countless acting jobs, two productions each with its own award, one being an International Award, I have learned that she will always see me from where she stands, in fear, and I don't have to take on that fear. I am grateful that she cares so much about me she thinks I should do things her way. I am grateful she loves me enough to remind me of how I should do things almost every other day. I am grateful that God chose her to be one of my greatest teachers and I am hopeful that one day she will look at me and love me just the way I am. Successful, a failure, hopeful, hopeless, rich, penniless, that whatever day she catches me on she will look beyond what is visible to the eye and see my heart and soul and trust God's got me. I am hopeful! I am grateful that I hold all the faith in the world that one day as she holds my child in her arms and we sit side by side I will look her in the eyes and say I now get it in ways I couldn't before and thank you for caring so much. I am grateful that she was able, dispite all she endured as a child, to stay and raise the kids she longed for. I am grateful she was able to be a mom.

Should I go on? See short isn't really my thing, which brings me to being grateful to all who make it through my emails. Wait grateful to those who actually like getting my emails. ;-) I am grateful that regardless of how many detours I am faced with I don't loose my sense of humor mentioning to those who I happen to be conversing with that apparently God and I need to get our watches synced because we are on different times. God's time usually wins out. That all knowing one. I am grateful I never loose my faith in God, tested- yes, lost- no, simply because I know God doesn't loose it's faith in me, which I know of because of everything I am asked to step into. I am grateful God trusts me but like Mother Teresa sometimes I wish God didn't trust me that much. ;-) I am grateful to have grown enough to respect other people's ideas of God and to be able to have my own understanding of God, LOVE. Grateful that even when I want to just say screw it for once and respond in ego I center myself in LOVE and send LOVE. I am grateful to have learned over the years that when someone comes after me or attacks me all they are asking of me is to send them love. I am grateful that I am proud to be cheesy and a dork. A cheesy dork. I am beyond grateful for my friends and family and for all we get to grow through together.

Right now I am grateful for the arts! For my Faith 2011 mix, which is constantly playing on my ipod right now reminding me of all I have endured and am capable of enduring. Grateful for the timing of each song on it. They play in the following order.
Little Miss- As I drove back from one of my many walks with Mary Queen after my father and Neil's passings this played on the radio and as I heard its lyrics I heard my story but most of all I heard, "Oh Lord! You are loved!" Gently reminding me of that which fear sometimes tries to make me forget I AM LOVED! THAT IT IS ALRIGHT AND SOMETIMES YOU DO HAVE TO LOOSE UNTIL YOU WIN!

Rescue- Sitting in a friend's living room I heard this song for the first time. The first verse was all it took for tears to come streaming down my face as he sang ever so kindly reminding me that someone(s) is looking out for me. That someone beyond what I can see is rescuing me. In his lyrics I found acceptance for something I had always fought, being rescued i.e. being cared for. It allowed me to accept being rescued because it explained it in such a way that it made me realize I don't have to be that strong independent woman all the time exclaiming that "I am not a damsel in distress up in some castle tower needing to be rescued, I got it." In its lyrics I realized all that was being said was I got you when you are down I got you and as time continues to be a wheel in constant motion it brings about the knowledge in the most magical of ways that I am being rescued and that I can accept it and perhaps someday even embrace someone/something caring for me that much.
Some people enjoy this version. "People need to be seen, I see you. When you are down on your luck you know what I will do. I see you, I know you, I hear you, I am you. Here I come. Here I come. I am coming to your rescue."

Some, yours truly, ;-) enjoy this one. "People need to be seen, I see you. When you are down on your luck you know what I will do. I see you, I know you, I hear you, I love you. Here I come. Here I come. I am coming to your rescue." Thank you Neil and Dad. You know why.

The light- Its timing as always impeccable as life was just showing me his light. Him of who I do not speak of often, whose light I am finding I am very protective of and him who is about as unique as they come yet when I look into his eyes I see me. There's only one lyric I am not a fan of so when I sing along I sing "Who I was without you I AM SO PROUD of. That it won't all come tumbling down...lalala." Hopeful like me. ;-) The light reminded me that within that hurricane that life on life's terms provided me with would come something so bright it would shine brigther than the sun and he does. Flaws and all because his essence is where its at.
"Such a beautiful mess intertwined and overrun. Nothing better than this. Ooh and then the storm can come. You feel just like the sun. Just like the sun."

Firework- In a few weeks it will be a year since I started hearing this song. It came into my life after Neil's passing and as I watched the video I got the message. No matter what came my way eventually as I worked my way through it I would someday be a firework again and my colors, which seemed to be fading would return. They have and on days when I feel like I need a reminder that we are all in this together I sing along and shine brighter and brighter.
"Do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting to the wind wanting to start again? Do you ever feel so paper thin like a house of cards one blow from caving in...you just gotta ignite the light and let it shine. Just OWN the night like the fourth of July."

Strip Me- Awww last but not least the song that reminds me that you can strip me of everything but you can't strip me of my voice. I won't allow it. It is a choice I make to not be silenced by others fears like this current news that recently came is attempting to do. Fear can make people believe a lot of things. Few things anger me like injustice to anyone, a stranger, a friend, myself, does. I can't stand by and watch it. This song reminds me of all I have endured work wise and all I am capable of including letting go when I am being threatened and leaving everything in God's hands.
"Everyday I fight for all my future somethings. A thousand little wars I have to choose between. I could spend a lifetime earning things that I don't need but that's like chasing rainbows and coming home empty. If you strip me, strip it all away. If you strip me, strip it all away what would you find? Strip me, strip it all away I WILL BE ALRIGHT! Take what you want. Steal my pride, build me up or cut me down to size, shut me out but I will just scream. I AM ONLY ONE VOICE IN A MILLION BUT YOU AIN'T TAKING THAT FROM ME!!!!" ;-)

This art called music allows me to heal in ways these artist may never know about. They may never know how crucial this mix can be on my constantly detoured path and for them, their inspiration, and ability to follow their heart I am beyond grateful.

I am grateful that when fear comes knocking on my door in the disguise of threat from someone I care about I know well enough that they are in fear and unable to accept what is taking their what they wish was and imposing it upon me by informing me of all the mistakes I've made and the missed opportunities. While I don't take well to being bullied by anyone especially when someone believes my fate is in their hands instead of God's I have to return to my source. Trust me when I say if there was ever a time when my patience and ability to be centered in God (LOVE) is tested it's when someone pushes me to a corner and tries to make me believe they hold my fate in their hands. I am grateful that I've met this fear before and it has yet to win out and it knows it too so why even bother. I am grateful that I can send that person love and hope they embrace that instead of the apparent fear. Most of all I am grateful for the knowledge one simple scene in one great work of art bestowed upon me. The knowledge that I too can command the wind but there is no need to strip anything or anyone bare. I am simply as powerful as you and you are as powerful as me. Yet everyday as best as I can I use that power to connect to LOVE and come from that place. :50 seconds ;-) "We do have the chance at LOVE!"

"When the storm breaks some are dumb with terror. Some spread their wings and soar." I wish you far more days of soaring with great love being the wind that uplifts your wings and patience for the days that seem to make it hard to fly. I believe in you, me, life and most of all miracles. Miracles that provide a beauty like no other. A beauty far beyond what we imagine! A beauty that as they say, "Put our dreams to shame. As it is a gift from God." Or whatever/whomever you believe in. I believe in fairytale endings. I believe in enduring the unknown and its darkness to get to this ending. Most of all I believe in choosing LOVE. I believe in being grateful for every minute of everyday that life presents me with giving me the opportunity to grow my way into LOVE. May LOVE guide you and may you find gratitude within your beautiful mess I call life on life's terms trusting that there is BEAUTY in the detours the unknown brings. May you grow in patience and allow life to bestow its magical miracles upon you!!!

I hope you dance!

2011-08-29T22:46:00.000-07:00

Tonight as I danced the night away and gave it my all I realized that I rarely give myself credit for what I am, a trained dancer. I seem to have a voice from the committee i.e. thoughts composed of what others think of you not your thoughts, hanging around even though I was certain I voted the committee out a while back. This particular voice tells me I am not in my teens another, not as limber, not as graceful not as talented of a dancer as I was once. The same voice that I have allowed to speak when my teacher has asked me to perform with him, shouting no inside of me reminding me I can't since I haven't really trained since I left Texas, therefore allowing me to verbalize its fear and say no to my teacher when asked.

As I looked in the mirror while I danced in class tonight, something I rarely do and need to do more of, I looked into my own eyes and told myself to own it. To dance as if it were my last dance! To not be afraid of being labeled a show off or not good enough to simply own my rhythm and as my teacher Jerry shouted free style I did just that. I owned it! It felt so good! I shook it to the rhythm of my soul! I felt so alive and so aware. AWARE that I am still there! That I am still a DANCER! I can keep believing I am too old to be any good anymore or I can laugh at that thought eventually organically letting it go. I am good. I mean I worked at it since I was three so why would I not be. ;-)
This is me sitting up straight as a then three year old in the black ballet shoes. The young girl next to me heard hunch your back not arch which is easily confused. ;-)

And me again with my fellow dancer.

I have to admit that if it weren't for my mom sacrificing her art for her seven children I wouldn't be a dancer today. She was chosen to tour with the Bellas Artes Dance Company in Mexico City but had to decline due to the fact that she had to raise her younger brother and sister. Then when she could have gone back she starting having kids and we were fortunate to be passed on this beautiful art. I was the only one who took it seriously and LOVED it!!! I remember locking myself in my room and dancing the day away. Pretending to me Casey in "A Chorus Line" singing to Zach, "God I'm a dancer! A dancer dances!!" Only to have my sister Ivonne barge in. Luckily she would smile and tell me how great I was. She was the one who would go on to pick me up at the University of Texas El Paso Union Dinner theatre performances of "A Chorus Line" a few years later.

Prior to that I danced on the high school dance team. Just about the dorkiest thing you could do and even dorkier was being the lead reindeer but I didn't care because I was dancing! In front of the entire school to a Christmas song that still makes me leap in the air when I hear it at Christmas time but I was dancing. This is me being the lead reindeer prancing in the high school auditorium.
Prancing my way to the....

Splitz!!

Thanks to my mom's sacrifices I lived moments like this one.

Something I continued to have the ability to do in my twenties and now as I head towards thirty-five even though I don't have a picture.

So this will have to do for now. ;-)

Now picture me standing up on my left leg. ;-)

When my father passed in January I remember telling Lisa I just wanted to go away and dance. Just dance for an entire year. Maybe head to a dance academy. It didn't matter as long as I could spend the whole day in a studio dancing. It didn't happen as I had obligations to tend to and healing to do but something else happened. I began to dance more often. Some days I would dance paralyzed by the fear that like Neil I would just collapse and die. I would hear him say to me, "Dance A. Just dance" and I would stop obsessing over what could happen and I would just dance. Eventually I began to let go of the fear and started coming alive again. I credit my teacher with being a big actually HUGE part of my healing process. In letting me to do what I love with all my heart he allowed my soul to come back to life and allowed me to dance my way back to life. Here are some great moments from the past year with him.

He's right I wasn't giving it my all BUT I was saving it for...

THIS!

Here we are being sexy with some more of his students.

Here we are being silly! Watch as I try and lead! ;-)

Finally here he is showing my favorite young girl some moves. Wait for it as we tricked her into it. She gave up when she couldn't perfect it but I asked her to try again.

Watching all these videos reminds me of why I continued dancing even after my other siblings quit. Simply put I was born to do it! I've even been hired to dance in a music video. ;-) I am in all the dancer shots and all the single dancer shots are yours truly.

And reminds me of my first music video. Okay so it was more of an audition video but looking at it recently made me cry. Longing to know that girl once more. The one who danced as if no one was watching!

Tonight I realized she is still there so as of today I will call myself what I have always been, a DANCER. Will I go back to the shape I was in? Will I keep up like I did even a few years ago in Huecco's video? Will my toes stop hurting? Will the cysts on the back of my knees go away? Will I keep up with the younger girls? Honestly, who cares!!! It's like I told the most handsome man in the room as we danced and he asked what was playing and how we should dance to it, "I don't know but the point is to have fun!"

So I will! I will give it my all every class. I will forget what the committee says. I will trust in my body to guide me and watch my soul come alive once again. Will I end up on Dancing with the Stars someday? Honestly? I hope so! My dignity isn't up for grab or sale so it's going to take a lot of faith, which I have, that the possibilities are endless. That as long as I am following my heart, listening to what feeds my soul and having fun the universe will take care of this dancer. The universe under God's guidance will continue to give me opportunities to dance my way through life. Like me I hope you learn to DANCE (paint, sing, play an instrument) once again. Trusting that it is never too late! I hope you find the courage to dance to the rhythm of your own heart realizing life is too short for anything else. A rhythm only you can understand. And when you get the chance to sit it out, I truly HOPE YOU DANCE remembering that time IS a wheel in constant motion.

The light at the end of my tunnel is BRIGHTER than the sun!

2011-08-03T09:49:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning to my daily ritual, reading the page of the corresponding date in my Daily Word literature. Something gifted to me by my mom. We read them and discuss them in awe of the synchronicity. Timing! I read my first one on August 5, 1993 the day I was crowned Miss Teen Expo Spokesmodel 1993.

What? It's mandatory in Texas to participate in pageants and have big hair. ;-) Oh an as you can see Sandra Bullock was right in Miss Congeniality we do jump up and down with suprised "Oh I won" expressions. ;-)

So here I am two days shy of it being eighteen years since I came into "existence" and I am so grateful for all I have lived and the woman it has turned me into. Would I do a pageant today? Nope. Am I grateful I did? Yes. It taught all about what society has taught us to value and made me look within to discover what I value. I didn't exist to anyone in high school. As a matter of fact I was referred to as Mercedes's sister. No name. However the moment I won I was brought into their light of existence and all of a sudden overnight everyone who ignored me knew my name and I could walk into the famous building B of our high school without being treated like a reject. This taught me very quickly how sadly we were taught to put value on titles and anything outside ourselves before putting value on simply being and being accepted as we are, perfectly flawed beautiful creations of God, all one.

Which brings me to today. As I caught up on the daily word this morning being three days behind, it happens with so many Daily Oms to read too, ;-) I was in awe of the timing of the main story that preceded them. It was titled "What is your headline?" and spoke about you picturing your life on display for the world. It asked great questions like, "What would your headline be in three months? Six months? One year?" Then it mentioned possibilities like "Young woman too stressed out with too many responsibilities" and as the article progressed it read "Woman breezes through day in complete serenity." My headline immediately popped into my head even before I finished the first paragraph, "The darkness that led to the light- one woman's journey of LIVING through life on life's terms." Notice I said living not surviving.

I loved the article's timing because I am in the process of manifesting the life I deserve to live. It took me a while to truly get that feeling like I deserved something for example to genuinely smile at the thought of crush again, didn't mean I wasn't humble. I used to confuse being clear on what I deserved and worked hard to manifest with lacking humility. It is now clear to me that lack of humility would be rubbing what I manifest in people's faces. On that note sorry Patrick. You know when we tried to stay friends after we broke up and you told me at our last lunch together "I am worried about your beliefs" and I smugly replied, "What worries you more what I believe or that I manifest those beliefs? That what my gut tells me becomes my reality?" Hoping you stumble upon this and see I am sorry. God is good at making that happen. ;-) That is a great example of lacking humility. I wanted to strike back as I was attacked and responded in ego. I've learned that things can only come across lacking humility if we speak from our ego. So when I work on manifesting what I deserve I share my story when I asked or let people witness with their own eyes.

The past five years of my life have brought me closer to my understanding of God, which has nothing to do with church or religion but if that is what your journey has taught you to associate God with I can't stop you from thinking that is what I am referring to nor would I want to. "People see the world as they are not as it is." That said in LIVING and being present to all that God sends my way I have learned to really tune in to my gut. I was delighted to see that the current issue of Oprah is related to this sense. Gut instinct is not commonly labeled a sense but categorized as something only people who read new age books, do drugs, or are plainly out of their minds or have a few screws loose can relate to being in touch with. Look at me. Do I look like any of those labels? Be quite Eric. Jokes aside my point is there will always be labels. It makes people who have a need to understand everything be able to categorize someone like me and put me in a box. Fine, truly fine with me because that speaks of them not me.

I've been called everything to my face and behind my back. Selfish, superficial, kind, giving, arrogant, loving, stubborn, weird, genuine, gossipy, too religious, trust worthy and the list of contradictions is endless. This sample of labels shows you that I have crossed paths with many different people. I abide by that "people see the world as they are not as it is" view so when people call me something they are truly speaking about themselves and how they view the world. Can some of the descriptions be true? Sure. Do they make or break me? In my twenties? Definitely! In my thirties? Nope! Everything I have lived especially in the last couple of years has taught me that not only what anyone else thinks of me is none of my business but it truly has NOTHING to do with me. Most of all in this temporary existence is truly of no importance for life is too short to live for others. It brings this lovely quote to mind, “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” So true! This doesn't mean screw everyone and do only as you like but if that is what you interpret I can't stop from that and you know why. ;-)

Living this way is what enables me to live my way into I life I manifest, which exceeds my dreams and expectations. I didn't win a car with my award or stand on the red carpet in Rome with my favorite author for adapting his work because God sprinkled only me with special powder for special achievements. Something one of my brothers told me when I moved to LA. He thought I was crazy and tried to knock sense into me by saying that what I was trying to achieve was only achieved by special people. I've come to understand he meant he wasn't special but at nineteen that was no where near what I got. I've also come to understand we are all special. This ability for me to live my way into such amazing lights at the end of the tunnels, which I call my journey coming to completion is not because I was sprinkled with fairy dust, although that sounds cool, it's because I took the darkness was temporarily consumed by it, let it burn me up in its flames and turn me into a diamond and it's happening all over again.

April 20,2010 came and went and while I thought it would never end it did. It's been over a year. A few days after what felt like an extremely difficult scenario I saw Neil for what I would come to find would be the last time as he passed in September, which was followed by my father's passing in January. That same week I lost the Investor to my film and rejected an Investor with some questionable business choices. Yup you read correctly. One Investor backed out, one I morally could not work with, and one of the leads dropped out all in the same week of my father's death. Within a week I had no ability or desire to move but I wanted to fight all this so I tried to run from it all only to have Lisa pass her flu on to me. I don't really believe it was Lisa's fault I believe God was saying sorry kiddo gotta deal and you'll find your light but you gotta stay with it and don't worry I am here with you. So stay in bed and deal. I stayed with it. As you may now know so much so that I went into individual and group therapy and during that time I continued letting go of many things. I parted ways with my agent as well. Another detour leading me to the road I was meant to be on. I was witnessing how I was bringing one of my favorite songs to life. I was being stripped of all I needed to let go of to welcome the new!

Was it all me? Nope I believe manifesting is something I do with God and the universe. I know what I am capable of manifesting because my gut, which I call my God compass or voice tells me before it happens. It guides me towards it by sending me signs
. When I voice this is belief that is when people usually look at me like I am on something. I think it would be great to see their faces when they learn I have never taken anything in my life. Not even tried. Not interested. I respect others desires to do it for their reasons but I am here to FEEL my GROWTH. I only get one chance to do so. I wanna know pain as much as I want to know joy. Can't have one without the other and that is what my God compass and my journey has taught yet again. I had told Lisa, who is on the production team of Bearing Fruit, that when group therapy ended things would start to fall back into place. Life would start to unfold magically yet again because my God compass told me so but also because I had lived this before.

So I LET GO AND LET GOD. I am happy to report that a few agents wanted to sign me and that CESD did such an amazing job at looking at my work, what I am about it and expressing it that they wooed me and I signed with them. It is by the way a more well known, bigger agency than my last with more possibilities! I tell you this not to brag but to show that when a detour arrives it comes to take you to the road you are meant to be on. A detour whose destination is God's will for you and which in my case has always shun a light brighter than the sun at the end of the tunnel, which was the dark journey I endured en route there!!! I should mention that they signed me the last week of therapy. Timing! ;-) I should also mention that a while back another agent wanted to meet with me and about four times our meeting got postponed. On the final postponing I thanked them for their time and told them it was clear God and the universe had other plans for me. Thank God I listened!!!

I will continue to listen to my gut and watch the signs arrive. Something only I can understand but I share one with you. I've been manifesting going to Hawaii since I have never been. My mom counts the time she went while pregnant with me as me having been. I don't. :-) Something tells me that like Rome when I finally go it will be for reasons that blow me away. So this gut instinct is reassured by this video, which arrives right on time every time I turn on VH1 to assure me of my belief.

How we all choose to interpret signs and gut instincts is up to each one of us but I encourage you to practice listening to it if you are remotely interested or curious. You may be surprised by what life has in store for you if you just trust! Want some more proof? I can't make you believe, that is up to but I can share a story that may get you thinking. After completing my dad and Neil's tribute I wondered how I could get it to Neil's family. Sure I could email his bestfriend who I no longer speak with, not my choice, and ask him to forward it and while I contemplated it Neil, God and the universe took care of it. Last week I received an email from a young lady informing me she was Neil's niece. She thanked me for the slideshow and send condolences for my father. I was amazed but not surprised. God heard my concern and worked its magic. My gut had told me I did not have to go to his bestfriend that it would all be taken care of and it was. Literally within one week of me contemplating what to do it was taken care of in the most magical of ways. She informed me she finally had the courage to google her uncle and came across my blog. Timing!!! This young lady made my year and brought this journey to a beautiful end.

I am moving on and it's time to watch the magic of the lessons the darkness brought unfold. There will be Hawaii, Paris, him and ours, work, investors and magic all around and every minute of everyday I will remember to be grateful to God, the universe, all my angels here and elsewhere, every person I cross paths with and my family and friends for being part of a journey whose light at the end of the tunnel is BRIGHTER THAN THE SUN!!! What I am about to live will hold no logical explanation but my heart and gut tell me it's about to get even better than before. That what I have lived will pale in comparison to what I am about to live! My hope for you is that you have the courage and faith to manifest your destiny with whomever or however you see fit and may your light SHINE BRIGHTER THAN THE SUN!!!! "Who am I to tell FATE where it's supposed to go?" <3

P.S. When it feels too good to be true remember you are worthy and you may just want to stay out of the universe's way and say THANK YOU!!!!

A final farewell. A tribute to Neil Lisk and my father, Ismael Garza Galindo.

2011-07-12T13:28:00.001-07:00

The time has come for me to bid Neil and my dad a final farewell. I don't believe this means I will stop thinking of them or wishing they were still here. I don't think I'll stop crying in my car when I think about the fact that I can't pick up the phone and ask Neil to once again remind me what camera it was he suggested, as I did this morning. I don't think I'll stop wishing that I had been ready to see my dad and that he was still here so he could look into my eyes once more and see the woman I became. I wish I could look into his and he could see my forgiveness not just hear it over the phone. I continue to picture myself holding him in my arms, caressing his head on his dying bed reassuring him that no matter what anyone says he would be greeted by God's loving arms while encouraging him to finally go be at peace.

All this is normal and part of what comes with coming to terms with those you love not being here physically anymore. Their physical existence has come to pass but I know they are with me always and are now part of the magic that comes into my life unexpectedly but at just the precise moment I needed it most, just as it has already been happening slowly but in the most magical and beautiful of ways. I believe they now have a hand in that and in the magic that has yet to come.

I did what I knew I needed to do in order to move forward through this process. I stopped wanting to skip ahead, I sat with it and all the feelings that come with loss and sought help. I did six weeks of individual therapy and twelve weeks of grief group therapy, something I resisted at first. Eventually I remembered what I learned a while ago, if I resist it persists, so I stopped resisting and showed up to the room that would change my life in the best of ways. The room where I would meet five individuals who could understand my pain like few could. Those twelve weeks are coming to an end and with that comes my final farewell to Neil and my dad which I will present tonight.

We have done everything from write letters to our loved ones who are gone, write letters expressing anger to those unable to support our mourning (so therapeutic!!), and write letters to ourselves from our loves ones who are gone while writing with our left hand aka the hand we don't usually write with. The science behind that is that the communication is clear and uninterrupted as you concentrate on writing since you don't use that hand. It's HARD to say the least! All of this could not have prepared me for my final farewell assignment. As I prepare to bid farewell to them and therapy I was asked to pay tribute to them in any form i.e. slide show, poem, letters, video etc. and present it to the group. I combined storytelling with beautiful music, pictures and video.

Compiling the pictures was hard. Listening to the music I wanted to use while I compiled the pictures and wrote the story proved even harder. Recording the videos with antidotes on both of them was hard yet beautiful. I finally gave in at my computer and wept like I did when I first found out they died. I cried and cried and cried. Woke up sick the next day and eventually found my way back to gratitude for having known both of them. One of them was the brother I wish I'd had. No offense to my own three brothers but due to distance and willingness Neil was definitely like a brother. The other was the man half responsible for my existence. He was present while I was created and gave me the greatest gift of all, life. Seeing them in pictures becoming part of tribute I knew was a final farewell road my emotional roller coaster back through the dark tunnel. A tunnel I have been in and out of a lot in the past year.

While sharing this in therapy recently one of the two therapist asked how I found meaning in life. As I cried and words mumbled out of my mouth I said "Look around, it's beautiful. Too beautiful and too magical. Ultimately it's my relationship with God and my trust and faith that get me through. Knowing God is ALWAYS with me." Now I trust it's time to LIVE. Not that I haven't been because trust me nothing propels you into LIVE LIVE LIVE like death. But it's time for my prayer to become my reality. I am going to move forward right on time and be GENUINELY happy once again. While I believe happiness is a choice. One I choose to make in spite of whatever the outcome my efforts bring forth. An outcome I am completely aware I am not in control of and which lately seems to be composed of constant detours leading down a magical only for me road because trust me when I say NOTHING has been like I dreamed in the last year. Most of it hard but ultimately the beauty of the mess came to be the light I have always held within. A light which was temporarily on really bad days nowhere to be found and this caused my genuine happiness to be replaced with sorrow. A light my friends have a very BIG part in leading me back to.

So as I composed this tribute I did what felt right to do, give credit where credit is due, as you will see. My healers aka my friends...my darling, beautiful, and amazing friends! New and old. WOW! How can one girl be so blessed?!!! They remind me of so many great quotes but mostly this one, “Friends are God's way of taking care of us.” Through them I was touched by God's grace. I was reminded of the important things in life like having your hand held, your body embraced in a hug, what it's like to walk amongst the trees in deep sorrow and be in awe of the beauty that surrounds you, and to know a pain like no other and yet be surrounded by such light shining through my friends reminding me that when the time was right mine would be back too. Giving me such HOPE, all this reminding me that it's not at all about what we accomplish in life but how we affect each other and treat each other en route to those accomplishments. It's about who we choose to surround ourselves with on our way to our destination. It's about the journey. My journey even with the sorrow is definitely magical! I would be foolish not see the gifts the darkness has brought.

As life has shown me the road on my journey may sometimes not be the one I'd thought I'd be on but along the way the people I cross paths with bring reason to why I was on this detoured road. MAGICAL reasons! It's about how we can uplift each other and if given the opportunity how we can uplift beyond our immediate circle of friends, which is why I post this. Hopefully you will stumble upon this at the precise moment you needed it most. That is something God and the universe are really good at making happen! God willing through this I will pass on to you what my friends have given to me. Hopefully like me you will be guided back to your essence and your authentic self with bruises, scars and all to remind you of just how beautiful the journey truly is and how blessed you are to be here to LIVE it all!

I am going to carry Neil and my dad with me always. They are a part of everything that makes me the woman I am today. I will continue on my journey in their honor. Both were BIG dreamers! Neil saw his come to life. My dad did not. I will do what I do best. Work hard, rest when needed, take in each day as if it were my last as best as I can, love unconditionally, finally!, receive unconditional love, finally!, as I am ready and they know so I know they will have a magical hand in that, breathe and be still when I want to run, be me as best as I can everyday, continue to believe like I always have that Fate and Chance will arrive right on time, okay maybe I will let my husband have a say in their names too. ;-) What husband you ask? Well I will continue to believe that my tailor made man is on his way and will too arrive right on time cued by God and the universe. Actually if my gut/instincts serve me correctly as they usually do we have already crossed paths. PURE MAGIC I tell you! MAGIC!

I will love my family of origin for who they are and not who I wish they were, will offer that to everyone I cross paths with, see people, no really SEE people, HEAR people, practice HEARING what is being said more, let go, surrender, believe in miracles like I always have and TRUST THE PROCESS is making me the soul I am came here to be! Most of all I will forgive, forgive, forgive and that includes me! Thank you dad and Neil for taking me this far. I won't EVER forget you and I know as I let you go, you understand it's time. I won't carry, well I will try not to carry guilt with me for letting you go. The truth is you aren't gone. You know the secret now. How blessed are you! I bet it's far more magical than I can imagine I'm sure. As you already know in this tribute is what you left behind with me. This is my final farewell to you both. Au revoir till the universe conspires I carry you in my heart always!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Residing in the land of God.

2011-06-18T10:38:00.000-07:00

My heart is breaking right now for so many reasons. Obvious ones like Neil's family being without him tomorrow, Father's day, for the first time. All my dad's children, twelve to be exact, without him for the first time tomorrow and me coming to terms with everything. However right now a certain subject matter has resided over the sadness that resides in me today. It is not a debilitating sadness that won't allow me to move. On the contrary it is a sadness that makes me want to be me more and express myself more so today I choose to take this sadness and turn into words I hope will speak to your heart as well.

I have since I can recall never been a fan of labels or degrading people and always uncomfortable around gossip struggling to find the words to tell the person speaking that if that person they speak of wanted me to know they would have told me themselves. Thanks to this journey of mine, which has created me as a Mexican American woman I even went on to produce a play about humanity for humanity and the importance of equality. I am blessed to be surrounded by open minded people with good hearts no wait AMAZING hearts! It is rare that I hear remarks against my race and since people can't tell what I am the times I have heard them they have been without people knowing a Mexican was in the room. Using the word that describes my ethnicity as it were an insult. Something so far from the truth for me. I feel blessed to be fortunate enough to be from two countries and speak to languages. Grateful for what each one has taught me. When I won the award for my play I was interviewed by Mexicans and Americans Thinking Together.

SPANISH VERSION

ENGLISH VERSION

If life has taught me anything it's that I should use my voice not to speak against that which goes against what I believe but simply speak my belief. So when I ran across a junior high school friend's post on Facebook this week titled Awesome and linked to, “Why Aren’t You Speaking English?”
, my heart broke to say the least when I went to the link and read the article. It continued to break as I read people's comments. Thinking I would find my sadness echoed by those online reading it and posting comments proved wrong as everyone on there was making harsh comments to say the least. However I believe they are entitled to their opinion as well so I read as much as I could and then I had to come and do what I can do. Not get angry and blast them on that same page but simply share with you, whoever you may be, my belief.

I am under the belief that I reside in the land of God. I don't think I own it, I don't think I own anything for that matter. I am here as a visitor passing through experiencing the magic that is called planet Earth. With that knowledge comes the desire to experience all things and all situations as they are. Working hard everyday to accept what is. When I see a person I see a soul and if their essence goes against me I slide into compassion for I know NOTHING absolutely NOTHING about what it is like to walk in their shoes. Not something I perfect but something I work hard everyday to do. While I believe Senator Chris Harris is allowed to voice his thoughts of what this person should be doing in what he considers his country I would just like to state my belief.

I live in the land of God and to me that means tolerance for everyone regardless of where you stand literally and metaphorically. Tolerance. Hmm.....always a gift bestowed by God. More commonly known to me as the Grace of God. I am using a word that can sometimes upset people, God, but let me take a moment to clarify that it is a God of my understanding. A God who created all of us just as we are. A God who gave us lives that will take us on a journey, which only the individual living it will know the depth of it and their reason for being. So Senator Harris only you know the depth of your importance for wanting Antolin Aguirre to speak English and only Antonlin Aguirre knows the depth of importance why he desired to speak Spanish. If we play this card everywhere we go, the card of expectation, than I fear for all of us as a human race. I fear that imposing your beliefs on others is what keeps separating us as a race. I believe that the less we look at life through the eyes of God with love and tolerance and more through the eyes of fear the less we will grow as a race.

Lucky for me for every person on that article's comment page I believe there are ten like me wanting LOVE to be the way of the world. Spreading compassion through actions and words. I see it around me. Last weekend as I went to see my friend Michael's one man show, The Sum of my Parts,
at the Los Angeles Fringe Festival I sat through a ride of emotions that made me grateful to know such a beautiful soul. In his show he took his monologue which he performed in my play and turned it into a one man show taking you on the journey of what is like growing up being a gay man. Here's a sample.

I encourage everyone to see this show. It's worth more than the ten bucks it costs to get in. Don't just take my word for it read this review.
When he shares his story about Libby, his only real friend while attending school in Santa Fe, my heart broke for all he went through. Why, I question do we still live in a time when something that doesn't fit the box we want to put it in have to be attacked and destroyed with actions and words. Why would anyone want to hurt such a beautiful soul? It pains me to know there are people out there struggling to be themselves because of our egos. I believe ego is what allows us to act out in fear and use words or actions to belittle that, which a society conditioned mind can not comprehend. So I ask you to see his show not only to support the arts but most of all to open your heart. My dream for the world is tolerance and compassion. What a wonderful world it would be if we could all look at each other through the eyes of God. Eyes that are part of such a BIG no HUGE heart they carry through them love, compassion, and tolerance.

Perhaps I am a fool or naive to others as people will see the world as they are not as it is but to me I am a proud Mexican American woman hopeful that someday people will see me and others for who I am and not what I am. I will continue to imagine that this day will come and while it may not happen while I exist here on Earth I hope that I can plant the seed for others to keep voicing beliefs that support equality, tolerance and compassion. In a way that time is now for me since after all I reside in the land of God, a God of my understanding, and a land where my choices make all the difference.

P.S. This week I also witnessed an act of domestic violence in public. I couldn't stand by and do nothing. So I stood by her side until he left, asked her to sit and waited for the store manager to come help her. Things happen all around us everyday that require we use our voice. Please take a look at what GLAMOUR is doing to help this kind of situation and please lend a hand when you can!

Stumbling gracefully towards the light.

2011-06-14T21:18:00.000-07:00

I believe that stumbling gracefully is a contradiction but according to my amazingly sweet and beautiful friends it is not. Apparently their perception is that it is a quality I possess. An ability to gracefully grow through this breakthrough not to be confused with what is more commonly labeled as a breakdown, even as I stumble. If you turn off the lights it gets dark and you can't see where you are going but if you follow your heart you find your way through, each time, it never fails. This I know from experience. I am not falling apart unable to get up again I am gracefully stumbling my way towards the light, which means I am choosing to stay in the darkness carefully making my way through this process. A process I trust will allow me to see the light when it is time. It's like I told those who have become my grief family aka group therapy, I feel like that quote from Mother Teresa these days, "I know God doesn't give me anything I can't handle I just wish God didn't trust me so much". Not that I have always been so calm about it all as I've had three different occasions where I tried to Eat Pray Love my way out of this. First stop Hawaii, where I hope to elope someday, second stop Paris and finally ending in my favorite city Rome. ;-) Instead I've stayed put dealing with what life has asked of me these days.

It's been a rough couple of weeks but particularly the last. I am not a stranger to the fact that a particular upcoming day, father's day, may be to blame for the non-stop roller coaster of emotions I am currently on. Like I said tonight in therapy, some days it just comes out of nowhere. Not only am I dealing with the loss of a father who was never able to be a father but everything in my life seems to be unraveling all at once. Each day with each new string come undone I say a prayer first of gratitude for being alive to see the moment and then I ask for courage to continue on. Today for the first time I asked God for forgiveness. Maybe not for the first time but definitely for the first time in a long time. I asked God to forgive me for allowing the pain I am in to overwhelm me. Things have happened that show me just how much pain I am in and I momentarily loose balance. God has told me I have no need to apologize in case you're wondering. ;-)

While making a commitment to take better care of myself has meant once again to eliminate soda from my diet, which I believe contributed to my weakness, I also believe the emotions I am experiencing caused me to not be able to finish dance class for the first time in a long time and not finish spin class for the first time since I went back. Gather I only had one song left in spin but my body was asking me very clearly to stop. I didn't want to because as long as I keep moving I can keep the thoughts from coming and the pain from taking over. As soon as I slowed down in spin my mind had time to instill fear in me by asking me "what if I am dying and that is why I can not finish class?" Yes sadly death, even though it's been five months since my father's passing and a few days shy from nine months since Neil passed, is still a constant companion. I was able to laugh at myself well because I've been dying since the day I was born so duh the answer is yes you are dying but I highly doubt that is why you can't finish class. Try more along the lines of processing the emotions means slowing down and allowing them to make their way through and out of your system. That is why you are weak. You are processing A LOT! Things I know and things fear can always temporarily make me forget.

With every ounce of my being I believe that just as this caterpillar begins to feel the world is over I will become a butterfly. It's just not time and that I have to accept, for in time lies the answer. I know that if I try to make things happen on my time everything will blow up in my face. As much as I wish the strings that are my life were being woven in to a beautiful pattern NOW I know that the past has to come undone first for the entirely new beginning/pattern that I am being guided to through this entirely new direction, can arrive. Like Po I have some battles to endure before I win the war by making my way through it, facing the past and achieving inner peace. The biggest one being coming to terms with being my father's daughter. Meaning being the daughter of a father who was not able to be what is defined as a father. "Remember dragon warrior when you follow the noble path anything is possible." Kung Fu Panda

Who knew Kung Fu Panda would be part of my recovery through this journey? Trust me this one and the first one carry deep beautiful messages. Films I hope my kids can see someday as they are released as classics. At the speed technology moves these days it's to be expected. ;-)

So as I continue stumbling my way through these current circumstances, which are out of my control and to be honest quite painful I continue to see what a beautiful planet we inhabit and how magical each breath is. I am blessed to have learned to live as I believe and in doing so I create a reality, which allows me to not be devoured by these current circumstances and deprive me of the gift of the present, LIFE. A life I choose to live as each day. As I see it I can choose to give up or I can choose to go on. I will go on as best as I can each day trusting this process because every part of me holds the desire to trust in the beauty of the unknown. Dad this is between you and me and only you will get this. Thank you for the light you are sending. It's stunning. It's eyes show me just how beautiful life is about to get! See you in my dreams as I continue to stumble gracefully towards the light I trust I have this light to look forward to among many other things. Thanks for allowing this hurricane to land in his arms. Mahalo!

P.S. Dad please say hi to Neil and grandpa and please tell Neil I miss him and I am praying for Liz and Millie as they spend their first father's day without him. Sending them all the love in the universe!

The tie that binds us.

2011-05-22T11:26:00.000-07:00

I have learned from all my experiences in the past years since my late twenties when awareness opened my eyes through my heart and my life changed in the best of ways that the tie that binds us and that none of us can escape is being human. I don't care how much society tries to impose separation on us with their opinions on our economic status, their imposed ideas of what beautiful is, and the supposed importance of a job title. The bottom line is you cut all of us we all bleed. Carrying this belief in my heart is what allows me to see through to the soul of any being often arriving at compassion for them even if sometimes it takes me longer than I would like. After all in my view of the world we are all God's children regardless of whether we value it or not. We are made from the same source whatever you choose to call it.

I've grown so much in my belief that God can be one of my understanding and not the only the one imposed by the beliefs that reared me in childhood that I have no problem saying God. I also realize whatever you believe God to be is how you will take the mention of God in my words and if there is one thing I know is that people see the world as they are not as it is. No changing that for them. If change is ever to come about it has to be voluntarily. Thank God for all the dark tunnels that have allowed me to travel through them granting me the ability to arrive at such a conclusion.

I've arrived at many conclusions thanks to the darkness I've endured of such journies, which I get detoured to travel through when I least expect it. With this knowledge in my heart I was able to turn to the stranger I crossed paths with on Friday and ask her what was wrong as she cried while trying to eat her meal. The best part of this is that I had no intention of going to such place but at the last minute thought to myself I haven't been in a while, why not? As usual it turns out what compelled me to head in that direction held a bigger purpose than I could have imagined. She turned to me, this woman of about early fifties, and said I'm okay. I didn't reply I just looked at her hoping she would feel a presence that would allow her to open up as it was clear she was not okay. Within minutes she began to tell me her story and all I could think of was, wow wise all knowing you did it again. ;-) You brought me exactly to where you needed me to be to serve a purpose.

She told me they had found a lump in her daughter's breast and that she was only 31, a single mom and did not deserve this. She told me that if her daughter had been a bad person she would understand but this what not fair. I could see and feel the presence of the agonizing fear that was consuming her. It was not lecture time nor my place to do so, so I avoided telling her one of my strongest beliefs, life happens on its terms and it's how we react to it that matters. I didn't think her daughter was a victim of circumstance. I believed her daughter was just about to learn the depth of her faith, possibly grow in it. Instead I shared with her what I realized had caused our paths to cross, my story. I told her I had just come from my third breast exam as there was something that kept bothering me. I told her how the doctor advised me to come at certain times and do certain things just to be sure and in conclusion I was fine. As she mentioned that her daughter's lump may be a cyst I told her that was what mine turned out to be. I looked her straight in the eye and told her it would be okay. I don't know what the outcome will be but I know no matter what we endure we are always okay and in moments like these I realize how valuable we are to one another as we walk on growing through life.

I didn't share with her that since the loss of Neil and my dad I had self diagnosed myself with breast cancer and a potential heart problem due to pre-existing conditions in myself and family. That immediately after Neil's passing I had a heart test done to reassure me that the stress induced premature heartbeat I had in 2008 was no longer a part of me nor was there anything else there I was unaware of. Neil died of heart disease at thirty-eight and my dad of a heart attack in his sleep. I didn't share that the cancer thoughts crept in after witnessing it in someone else close to me and living through the radiation treatments with them last year. More than anything the knowledge that things can change drastically at any moment was what was engulfing my mind and producing such worry. I also knew that was what she may be going through. Her world as she knew it could change and perhaps it was this change that was producing her mind to take over and give way to her sad eyes and tears. This was the tie the was binding us, the one of potential change in a way that would test our faith as we knew it. One that I have been enduring for a while now and I feel blessed to say has only brought me closer to my understanding of God.

This I know all to well as I feel I have been growing through some pretty intense things, which I choose to believe are leading me to a breakthrough like they have in the past. As we continued to converse she began to calm down and I asked her daughter's name. I told her I would pray for her. Then I asked her name so I could pray for the both of them. As I gathered my things to leave I went over to her table and asked her if I could hug her. She smiled and said she was going to ask me the same thing. I held her tight and told her it would all be okay. She looked me in the eyes asked my name and said she would be praying for me to. Little did she know how much I need those prayers too and that in my view of the world our crossing of paths was no coincidence. To me this was a reminder of the wonderful ways the universe guides us to realize how tied we are by the experiences being human entail.

This crossing of paths made my day because I can see so clearly what the universe is allowing me to live by slowing me down to heal. I would like to be in Austin now shooting my film and just as one piece falls into place, another falls out. I can smile at it now because my relationship with timing, the universe and most of all God is the strongest it's ever been due to all I've been blessed to live. Dark and full of light moments, tunnel or end of the tunnel ride, I take them both as I need them both. They ultimately are a link of the chain of events that are carefully guiding me into the what next that I am being prepared for. Slowly but surely continues to be the pace I am being asked to take. Somedays I don't want to but then I swing my chair around look at everything that fills my office and I am reminded of the miracles that are born of faith when I choose to listen to my God compass and nothing or no one else that tries to make me believe my carefully guided path is wrong.

I am being prepared to become Esperanza in "Bearing Fruit" at a much slower pace than I anticipated but it is in moments like crossing paths with this woman Friday that reassure me everything and I mean everything thing to the smallest detail has a purpose in my life and is making me Esperanza if I choose to see it. The one thing that stands out, which the character of Esperanza and I share in common and is the tie that binds us is loss. For now I am feeling my way through the loss, enduring the constant detours and once again taking care of myself. I had forgotten what it was like to make sure I came first so I could deal with all that I am being guided to grow through. Luckily for me God and the universe saw this and starting guiding me back to me. Luckily for them I saw the signs and acted upon them.

I am back in spin classes, which about five years ago where a regular part of my life to keep me heart healthy. I am back in dance three times a week, which make my soul happy! Most of all I am staying for the full twelve weeks of group therapy for those who lost loved ones and then continuing with my journey to Bear Fruit. For every dark day I experience as thoughts of all the loss take over me, I have twenty- eight bright ones! It is getting better and better. God continues to allow me to cross paths with people who in one way or another inspire me to keep moving forward!

Today in spin class a song came over me that reminded me of the importance of living for today. Something thoughts of Neil and my dad constantly remind me of. As the song suggested I lost myself in it, closed my eyes and visualized myself making it through the darkness to light once again. I lost myself in the music the rhythm of my heart is playing these days. Music whose sounds exude gratitude for the ability to be bound to all of you through this beautiful journey called LIFE where we get one shot to LIVE! It's not a dress rehearsal folks so may you allow your current link to be a part of the chain of events that are leading you to the magnificent destiny that awaits you, which can only be fulfilled by you. LOOSE YOURSELF IN YOUR MUSIC OF THIS BEAUTIFUL MYSTERIOUS GIFT CALLED LIFE!

Coming closer to God as life seemingly falls apart.

2011-05-17T09:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I decided to get back to work on something that I spoke about with a publisher in January. I had not felt that what I needed to do for that specific creative venture was ready. I am a big believer that if you will your way into living moments instead of allowing them to organically unfold you end up not truly living what you wanted. So one of my biggest lessons in life has been learning to decipher between when I am giving up and when I am letting things organically unfold, letting go and letting God. For a recovering perfectionist learning to differentiate is crucial for progress and in that process I've learned that progress not perfection is key for my way of life and to be able to strike a balance allowing me to learn when to let go.

I believe there is a yearning inside all of us, which I call my God compass, guiding us towards our purpose. Along the way to that purpose a road is paved filled with situations which I call life on life's terms. On that road many things appear which I have learned are there to give me the strength, courage, will, tenacity, faith and passion among other things I pray for. Perhaps the biggest lesson that has come from following my God compass which has led me to my own road paved for me and my purpose or destiny is that choosing to go on is solely up to me. Not following this road I am on is always and will always be an option. One I have yet to choose solely because that yearning inside all of us doesn't leave some just choose to ignore it. Mine is too loud to ignore and it becomes ever more present as I bid farewell to people I once knew and watch them become part of the other side of this earth.

Which brings me to today and why I have chosen to go back to this creative venture I had put to rest temporarily awaiting for it to organically find its way out of my being and into the world. Yesterday in the midst of things seemingly continuing to fall apart around me I heard that it was time to finish this venture and turn it in as I had agreed to do so back in January. So I got back to work on it. To do so I chose to make a list of all the rejections and challenges I have endured in the past year which was kicked off by April 20,2010 and topped off by the event of May 14, 2011. I told a friend after compiling this list that based on all these rejections I wished I could believe I was wrong on this path but I didn't. That even when doubt befriended me trying to make me think I perhaps was my God compass aka intuition quietly but firmly chimed in saying you are not, be still and be patient. Prompting me to recall words I had run across not too long ago, "It is the still, small voice that the soul heeds, not the deafening blasts of doom" and perhaps that is why I kept being told to be still so I could hear in the silence the voice of certainty which has yet to stir me wrong.

I trust that more than anything because since running across Emerson's words in 2008,"Adopt the pace of nature, her secret is patience", as I was diagnosed with a stress induced premature heart beat I have learned what can come of patience, timing, and faith. While I was talking to my friend the following arrived in an email and in awe of it's timing I read it to her, "Trying to distract yourself won't work. Your option? Understand that if you weren't right here, right now, the next link in the chain of events that will make up the story of your life wouldn't be forged. There. Makes it easier to be patient, doesn't it?" She immediately suggested I save it and it was then that informed her I had done it like I do with all things I consider signs or God communicating with me through the universe. Why was I in such awe? Well what I am working on happens to be the story of my life. ;-)

Not only do I find solace in trying moments in my God compass but it's the arrival of such perfectly written words that reassures me I am not wrong as circumstances may sometimes try and make me feel. I refuse to be a victim of circumstance. On my path to recovery from being a perfectionist I have learned that rejection is God's protection. I used believe that if I was truly perfect I wouldn't be rejected. I am so in love with the woman I am at thirty-four and the beliefs I have chosen to adapt, which are far from those in my twenties yet I am grateful the insecure perfectionist mess I was in my twenties led me here. Without those years I would not be getting ready to rise once again after a brief rest period and turn this venture in. It's ironic how when I was a mess I would bend over backwards to please others in my line of work and be the actor they wanted me to be so I booked more work then. Now I honor only what feels right to my essence and being and while work may not flow as easily as it once did now I get to be behind the work I put out into the world and take responsibility for how I contribute to the planet while I am here and the feeling that comes with that is something no paycheck could make me feel! The only finger I get to point now for my work and its quality is at me and I love it that way.

Reflecting on that long list of challenges and rejections the answer I am longing for these days I found myself living my way into by choosing to focus on my project. That old saying that sometimes annoys us when it is said to us, time heals all wounds, has repeatedly proven true for me. Time is healing the pain of all these things on the list. While some like the passing of Neil and my father I would rather not denote on the list but they are realities and I trust they are part of what is making me the woman I am choosing to be. Time has slowly allowed me to not only heal these wounds and make my way through the challenges but most of all understand the dance of life. Doors have seemingly been closing non-stop for me since last April and one big one was closed this past Saturday the 14th. I say seemingly because if I truly believe that rejection is God's protection than between the adopting the pace of nature, trusting in timing and that pretty amazing horoscope that arrived yesterday I can see clearly beyond the darkness into the light of the my destiny being whispered to me through these signs. Signs that can only truly be understood by me. It is my choice to believe in them over the doubt the presence of challenges brings that allows me to in time be ready to move forward as I am today.

In my heart I know based on experience and beliefs that have risen from those experiences that God must really love me. You see if rejection is God's protection and for a little over a year I have been in transition constantly having doors of rejection shut in my face then I believe I am just where I meant to be. After all I see all those doors closing as God saying "Nope Adriana not yet. What I have for you and what you are worthy of lies behind one of the most unique doors with a big yes on it and you won't have to kick it down you will simply turn with ease the lock on it and behind it find everything you dreamt of and more." After all someone very wise said God can dream bigger dreams than we can dream for ourselves and I whole heartily believe that is what I am being led to. That in time, God's time, I will arrive at that door and unlock it with ease. For now the trick is to never stop trying to unlock doors and to never be discouraged as life seemingly falls apart
around me for it is all bringing me closer to God, my understanding of God.

The depth of my gratitude.

2011-05-07T07:15:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been constantly hearing "I am going to hold on cause what I believe is so strong." It's from a Shania Twain song whose true meaning I can't relate to since I wasn't pregnant as a teenager but that one sentence always seems to comfort me when I am making my way through the unknown. A place I journey through often since no matter how many plans I make and how much effort I put into making those plans a reality the road there usually requires me to grow through never before walked on territory and expand my horizons to arrive at a destination exceeding my expectations. This time around the road to my current destination has had more detours and taken longer than I could have ever anticipated but just like the line suggest I am holding on for dear life because what I believe is so strong and as the song continues to say "no matter how long no one can tell I am wrong, I AIN'T GOIN DOWN!" This feeling is a knowing from my gut and where I connect to God for answers not a stubborn I want to be right and not fail feeling. Those are two different feelings and if we listen to ourselves we know which one we are receiving as one comes from ego and one comes from an inexplicable place that aligns in this place with signs and well maybe that is something only I can comprehend. It's worth typing in case you do too. ;-)

I heard a friend recently say nothing lights a fire under your butt like death. I could so relate to that. I walked in this week turned on the TV and found Oprah telling Shania that death is a wake up call at the precise moment I turned it on. The thing about that wake up call is that only those close to the person who passed have their world rocked in a way few can comprehend. I make mistakes and I choose to look at them as lessons I need to grow through. I am no longer a person who likes to reprimand myself for being human and sometimes learning the hard way. I let go of the idea that perfection exists and I wish with all my heart that people realize perfection is not something we should long for or I believe we'd stop being human and growing when perfection was achieved. My humble opinion. Now I simply realize when I make a mistake, take it's lesson and move on because I now more than ever know it's just a mistake not a life altering situation with no solution like death. In my mistakes I learn the depth of my gratitude for life and everything about it.

I can genuinely say that after emotions surface and I face them and deal with them I arrive at a place of gratitude. This week coming from a place of naivete I sent a picture to people that I thought would make them happy only to be told the opposite. I was told in a way that made me angry and enough explicit words came out of my mouth in one morning to last me a lifetime, I hardly ever use them, ;-) and when I was done saying those aloud to my four walls I took a walk with a friend and her baby. In that walk I realized how grateful I am for learning the power of forgiveness. Some of us walk this world with heavy dark shadows looming over us reminding us of how we were wronged at one point or another either in adulthood or childhood. I have lived through things I do not wish upon anyone and yet I have found gratitude for even the darkest harshest of things because being able to face them and forgive them led me to be grateful for choosing to be the opposite of them as having been on the receiving end allowed me a perspective that showed me what I don't want to give or receive. For me seeking vengeance of any sort on any scale is simply not an option. My road and my journey have taught me that FORGIVENESS as hard as it may be to give it in some situations holds far more beautiful power and light than holding on to the negative energy of an unjust situation. I can guarantee you I am beyond grateful I forgave my father which allowed me to speak to him for the first time in twenty-four years. I am grateful I can write that sentence and not the alternative which would have been he left when I was seven and I never saw him or spoke to him again. Trust me forgiveness has more closure than anger ever could.

Why we live certain unjust things may be a question to be pondered with no answer in sight but if like me you are able to see that it lead you to the road you are currently on allowing you to eventually live your way into that answer than perhaps also like me gratitude for everything and everyone becomes your way of life. I am grateful beyond measure because all I have lived and all I see the world growing through teaches me to be. It doesn't take much in this media driven existence to find out that on a daily basis people are suffering and that the human race needs eachother. I am living through somethings these days that I believe are preparing me for something extraordinary something only God and the universe know the outcome of and something only they can make my reality.

I know in my business or in a lot of businesses for that matter egos can sometimes make people believe they hold power over someone and that without them they are nothing. Wait that goes for relationships too. I've crossed paths with people like that in both my personal and professional life and while the heavy energy of their belief may have knocked me down for a little bit when I rose again I rose with gratitude for having learned exactly what I don't want to be to others and how I don't want to be remembered. I also walked away with the very valuable lesson that no one is as powerful as my understanding of God and that no one gets to define me. Trust me on this one because I've seen what God can do when I put all my faith in God even as some people cross my path to remind me that I will fail. I know they are saying they have failed when they took a huge risk and therefore perceive any huge risk as failure. It's not about me. It never is and for learning that I am beyond grateful too. No one has power over me, no one can destroy me and I know this because no matter how challenging the road gets or has been I have always been comforted by my constant companion. One I know can take the weight of my worries and shoulder them like no human being can, God.

Not that friends aren't great listeners because they are. I believe the quality of friends we attract not only says a lot about where we are in life and the lessons we are growing through but if you are as blessed as I am it's definitely God saying God has got your back. I wish I could tell the world my in depth story and that you could see that who you came from and what you learned does not define you. You define you and the ability to break patterns is something I feel necessary in some cases in order to live a life of gratitude. However it can not be done alone. I have read countless books, attended therapy sessions for four years straight something I returned to with the passing of my friend Neil and my birth father, continue to attend Al Anon meetings, and attend a brunch with like minded INDIVIDUALS. I don't shy away from what it takes to lead a life of forgiveness, compassion, love and gratitude but the kind of work you do to live this life in my humble opinion comes organically. At least it does for me because it's the kind of life I want to create for those in my life and those precious angels God has chosen to come through me someday and be of this world and of course their father.

Not having that yet like I had planned has taught me gratitude for when it all comes together on God's time I will be extremely grateful for many reasons but most of all for not giving up my belief that magic can arrive at any moment of any day and that no statistic can stop it from doing so when it's part of God's plan. So my life has become not only about having the faith to trust God's will for me and the ability to carry it out but with that faith allowing my life to teach me about a depth of gratitude no words can describe. A knowing only I can comprehend that this transition I am in will sooner than later come to pass and I will move beyond it. So savoring even what seems like too much to grow through somedays is what I am working on doing these days.

I am grateful I have learned to be grateful for what seems like the simplest things as I continue to risk all I know for a shot at living things only God can dream of for me. A bigger dream than the one I have. After all that is precisely what I believe I am being prepared for right now which is why I have learned to be grateful for how my body knows to function on its own, how my fingers based on memory can type away finding the right letters to compose a word which composes a sentence which eventually becomes this blog! Gratitude for being able to put food on my table with what I love to do even if it's not always one hundred percent the kind I would like to feed my body it is food and this understanding allows me to think of all the people who are struggling or can't food on their table and send them all the love in the world that their faith carries them like it has me. I can't fix the world's problems but I can be of service in many ways locally, which I choose to do. I believe that small things done by a lot of people lead to great accomplishments. Look around with your heart open and using it as your eyes and you will not only find reasons to be grateful but hopefully also reasons to be of service.

To those who have "wronged" me and been part of my unjust destination I thank you for the person I am today I would not be without you reminding me of who I don't want to be. For those who have loved me and left and allowed me to continue a pattern in that moment I thank you for you have walked a road with me whose experiences taught me I needed to find my way to another road where I learned what a friend has so beautifully written that "I am worth the adoration" and I couldn't have done it without knowing the opposite. To everyone who chooses to not believe in me I thank you because you taught me the amazing value those who do hold. To my angels on the other side I thank you for you taught me how precious life and EACH breath is, how precious each angel on this side is and how much I should treasure them. Thank you for sending them my way.

Lastly in the spirit of Mother's day I say to you mama Mercedes Cortazar Ferguson thank you for your beautiful example. You were a single mother of seven and with your example you taught me that with faith anything is possible. I never went without a thing and it is only as an adult that I can comprehend the depth of your bravery, faith, and most of all SACRIFICES for all of us. You worry about me often but I hope someday you can see that I am doing the same thing you did, following your example. The only difference is that the risk I am taking and sacrifices I am making are in regards to the music my heart sings for a dream I am being guided to bring to life in my career not with seven children so like you "I AM GOING TO HOLD ON CAUSE WHAT I BELIEVE IS SO STRONG. NO MATTER HOW LONG NO ONE CAN TELL ME I'M WRONG! I AIN'T GOIN' DOWN!" Like mother like daughter. ;-) Thank you for teaching me by example to trust a God of my understanding. We all have our own individual destiny to fulfill so thank you for allowing all seven of us to be yours. Happy Mother's Day!!

To anyone facing a tough time I send you all the love in the world and may your road lead you to a place where the depth of your gratitude allows compassion, faith, and forgiveness to become your constant companions. May love reign in your heart and triumph over anything that makes you feel anything other than what you are, a BEAUTIFUL child of God.

Taking a walk with my father.

2011-04-12T08:56:00.000-07:00

Since my father's passing I have been unable to do something that truly feeds my soul, hike. I've been a few times but I can count them on one hand and I used to go at least four times a week. Some people go to church, I hike. I am most connected to my understanding of God when I hike. When Neil passed I was going with a friend to watch the sunrise but when that stopped it became easy for me to find excuses not to go. The truth is that is the only way I can see and speak to Neil and my dad now, in the spiritual realm. Going meant admitting that I wouldn't physically see them again.

Inspired by the most beautiful of brunches Sunday with the most beautiful of people I decided I needed to head back, no excuses. So when I rose Monday morning to find myself feeling ill I was so bummed. I decided to do something I rarely do, which not doing used to cause fights with my ex because he couldn't believe I just wouldn't take medicine when in pain, I took two advil and headed for my hike. As I began I heard myself saying take the road less traveled you will be fine. I had avoided a certain trail because I had rarely gone and I needed or so I felt, be in better shape to hike it. As I began I told myself slowly but surely stop when you need to. I promised myself I would and so I did.

When I would stop I would look out to the gorgeous LA day and realize how grateful I was for being there and how much I missed it! I began to cry and I knew exactly why. I thought what if anyone sees me and than I thought who cares! Then I did something very unexpected I asked my dad to come take a walk with me. As I continued upwards I imagined his arm around me and I leaned my head on his shoulder. Something I never did when he was alive. I continue to believe he can now be a part of my life in ways he never could before. This walk would explain why he was in my dream last night. He was alive, very alive in my dream and for some reason that scared me and woke me. Maybe next time I will stick around past the fear to see what he has to say.

As I reached the top and looked out onto Los Angeles I was grateful for what I was feeling and I let the tears flow. It felt right. The rest of the way I told myself to take it in and be present. Again slowly but surely. I met some great teachers along my hike. Two young men were shouting their conversation and it included talk of drugs etc. taking me completely out of where I was. So they came to teach me to stay in the moment and be still. Most of all, patience! ;-) As I made my way to the end of the trail I stopped where I always do. There is a cliff where I stop and chat with God. As I began to apologize with guilt for my recent lack of trust and being lost and unable to see the signs I heard the following.

"You are not lost, you are exactly where you are supposed to be in faith and trust which is why doubt befriends you less these days. You are trusting that the unknown is leading you towards all the good that awaits you like it has in the past even if the road there has poor visibility. That once again when you are ready, FAITH will meet your FATE. Getting lost is the best thing that can happen because all that means is you are following the signs and allowing the detours to guide you to the road you are meant to be on."

As you can imagine I cried and was grateful my apology was interrupted! As I accepted my truth which had just been reaffirmed to me the winds began to pick up. That is how I feel God and the universe communicate with me. That is how I believe they let me know they hear me but most of all they SEE me. As I made my way down I learned yet again another valuable lesson. Feeling inspired and forgetting how long it had been since I had run my way down the trail, I ran. As I got close to the exit my right thigh began to shout stop, please stop. So I did. My ego would have wanted me to believe that I had failed and would not succeed at finishing like I longed to but I stopped because I knew better. Based on past experiences I had learned that when you will something the road you create brings about frustration as you don't end up where you wanted to, you end up where you willed on your time instead of waiting for God's time.

So I walked, in pain to say the least, the rest of the way down and got to my car right on time and continued about my day right on time, God's time. The most important thing I took from my hike yesterday was my walk with my father, which brings me to this. At the brunch Sunday Jason sang a song that had me in tears. I looked at my friend Nicole and she was in tears too. While he sang the opening verse I thought wouldn't it have been great if my dad could have rescued me. Then that is when the guilt and sternness came in to remind me that is not the kind of father I had, one I hadn't seen since I was seven was what I had. Then I reminded myself that no matter my past, all that matters is now. I deserve to be rescued, which to me means not coming in and fixing things for me but simply coming into my life to hold my hand while I grow through these situations I call life on life's terms.

I was inspired by Jason's song, Josh's words, "you are worth the adoration"
, the couples who expressed their love for one another, and everyone in that room! As I chatted with Jason we spoke of many things but what I remember most is when we spoke of love and how inspired my chat with him left me and how that poured over into the next day leading me to my hike. I told him all the love in that room had renewed my hope. It's true friends. Every detour, no matter how hard the road on that detour is, is leading me to the road I am meant to be on! Being here instead of Texas like I planned is the detour, which became the road that led me to Sunday, which to me is proof that God, the universe, Neil, and my father are coming to my rescue. They are showing me I am worthy by guiding me to a room filled with more love than one can imagine! Thank you Vince and Nicole for taking my hand and leading me there and everyone there thank you for unknowingly coming to my rescue!

Letting the grief be.

2011-04-05T21:42:00.000-07:00

When my six week therapy session ended last week Kate mentioned once again that I should come to group therapy. I stayed away from group therapy because after seeing the trailer for Rabbit Hole I felt like the last thing I could handle was a room of people feeling the same pain I did. All grieving the loss of loved ones. How depressing! However at her request I had tried one session only to find no one there the prior week. I had forgotten it was every two weeks. So as our session ended last week she asked me to try again this week and so tonight I did.

I took last week as a sign that maybe I couldn't commit to twelve weeks right now as my work needs my attention but as usual something kept nagging at me to go today. I know myself well enough to know that if I don't listen to myself I regret it. I have learned to trust myself and my gut instinct. While the fear of too much sadness and pain in one room tried to keep me away my gut knew I needed to be there for what I gained tonight was far more precious than I could have imagined.

Kate concluded at the end of our session last week that what was very present for me was the need to love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally. Most of all to be accepted for who I am. Without getting too personal of course it was traced back to my father leaving when I was young. Something I thought I'd dealt with in my first go at therapy in 2002 only to find it resurface with his passing. With Neil the only friend I had in common was no longer a friend when Neil passed so I was left to mourn alone. When my dad passed because of the circumstances I was left to mourn him alone as well. I had been the only one to speak to him in the family two years ago and twenty-four years after he left. No one in my family could identify with what I was feeling. While some of my friends got to know Neil on our last shoot no one knew him like I did therefore making it difficult for them to comprehend my pain. All my friends have done an AMAZING job at being there for me but not one could look me in the eye and see what people saw tonight.

As you may know I don't believe in coincidences. All of us in the group tonight who had lost our fathers, had seen them pass in January. Some January of last year, some of this year like me but all of them in January. Sitting there in the circle I understood why Kate had asked me to go and why I had felt the urge to overcome my fear of the room being depressing and just show up and let it be. That is what I received the most tonight. A place to just let it be, where all of us could comprehend each other's anger, sadness, and fears. Someone would speak of denial and we would all shake our heads in agreement. Someone would speak of still being able to feel the person's presence and we would shake our heads in agreement. I was finally getting what I longed for, a place to let myself be and others in the room knew exactly what I felt and why I felt it.

The thought of it sounds crazy with all that lies ahead for me in the coming months but I've decided to commit to the twelve week session. Only God knows what lies ahead but Kate was right went she told me last week as our sessions ended, "Your grief won't be gone Adriana, it will now take a different form". While it no longer overwhelms me I am beyond grateful that I now have a place where I can go and just let it be.

This was our closing poem tonight and I thought you should see it. I've reached the second half of the poem since it's been six months since Neil's passing and three months since my father's. Some days I do feel extremely guilty that I am still here LIVING but sometimes I wonder if they aren't the lucky ones. Maybe they are in a place far more magical than this one. For now I am just grateful that slowly I am learning that, It's alright to LOVE AGAIN! I know my heart will break again but I also know there isn't anything I can't grow through as life is constantly teaching me.

For those of you who can't read tiny writing see below. ;-)

WHEN YOU ARE BEREAVED, IT IS ALRIGHT TO ...

Scream in the shower; yell in the car;
Howl at the moon; cry anywhere you like;
Misplace your glasses; lose the car;
Forget your own name;
Put milk in the cupboard, toilet paper in the refrigerator and ice cream in the oven;
Beat up a pillow; stomp on the ground;
Throw stones in a lake; change grocery stores if it hurts;
Wear one black shoe and one navy; have tear stains on your tie;
Eat French fries for breakfast, toast for lunch and peanut butter for dinner (as long as you can eat);
Write her a letter or bake him a cake.
Celebrate her life on her birthday;
Talk to your pets (they understand);
Leave his room the way it is for as long as you like;
Say her name just to hear the sound;
Talk about him to others. Tell loved ones what you need;
Say no when you feel like it; cancel plans if you want,
and Have a bad day.

AND ONE DAY WHEN YOU'RE READY, IT'S ALRIGHT TO ...

Laugh again; Dance and feel good;
Have a good time;
Look forward to tomorrow
Sing in the shower;
Smile at a friend's new baby;
Wear make-up once more;
Go for a day, a week - and even a month without crying;
Celebrate the holidays;
Forgive those who failed you;
Learn something new;
Look at her pictures and remember with happiness, no pain;
Go on with your life;
And cherish the memories.
And one day when it's time,
it's all right to love again.

- Vicki Tushingham

Falling slowly back into the arms of grace.

2011-03-25T08:37:00.000-07:00

The word Grace has been on my mind a lot in the past months. When I think of all I have been through the saying "by the grace of God" comes to mind a lot. How do I get up everyday and face the challenges in my personal and professional life? By the grace of God. As it is defined in the dictionary grace means elegance or beauty of form, manner or action. The first thing that comes to mind when I read that is my mom. She is one of the most elegant women I have ever laid eyes on. She walks into a room so gracefully and perhaps that has to do with all her years of ballet training or perhaps its her essence. Grace can mean so many things depending the circumstance.

On Monday as I got back to my home in LA and turned the page to see the quote of the day for March 21 it read, "Grace fills empty spaces, but it can only enter where there is a void to receive it." I fell in love with the quote because in the past few months I had been catapulted into circumstances that had created a void. I wish I could say grace immediately filled them but when everything seemingly all at once falls apart before your eyes and you are catapulted into a sea of fears grace appeared to be the last thing I possessed. I struggled and fell into the arms of fear whose grip, some days, felt so tight I wondered if I would be released from its arms. It managed to hold me tightly longer than I'd like and with such strength that my struggle to be released of its overwhelming power over me was anything but graceful. It was messy and scary but most of all temporary. That was what I had to remember the most in the moments when I was absolutely consumed by this false evidence appearing real. That the only thing constant is change and that this too would pass.

I also had to admit it would take time and that I had to surrender to not knowing how or when I would be ready to feel the faith I'd always known outweigh the fear that invaded my life. Especially the week the flu got me bad. While I realize that was the universe telling me to slow down and heal, it sucked. Laying around thinking of those you miss and existence when you can not move at all is not fun. However I also saw what the universe guided by God, in my humble opinion, was trying to do then as well. If I am to fill the voids with grace than I am to accept that they are there to begin with and not run from them. While I initially tried hard to escape my reality back in January and literally tried everything to leave LA for a while it never worked out. The universe kept me where they needed me to be to work it out and work through it not around it for I know that going around something guarantees me it will be back again.

While in the midst of my pain, which comes and goes these days but isn't overwhelming me any longer, someone said to me I hope things are settling in your life with grace. There it was again, grace. I remember being annoyed simply because I knew grace had eluded me not because this person meant any harm. So I was left to ponder yet again when handling things in an elegant manner or taking elegant action would become a part of my life again. It was then that I realized what I have before. Things don't just happen. What I mean is if I want grace than like the quote says a void must be there so I can learn grace and most of all I have to accept that void. If I want faith than I must be taken through a dark tunnel where I can not see a thing to acquire it. Saying you possess a certain quality is one thing since as humans we can say pretty much anything we want but taking actions that show you possess those qualities is what I hope to be able to accomplish in my everyday life.

To be able to do that I have to surrender and accept I am powerless to circumstances but not to how I react to them and have faith that all of these journeys are for the benefit of my existence on earth and for my growth. Even if it takes a long time to find my way to where I am meant to go. Slowly has been the lesson this time around. Don't rush. Breathe. One day before you know it you will open your eyes and grace will reside in your heart again because your faith that it would led you there. Which leads me to where I am today.

Spring has arrived and so will Grace, literally. Yes my friend is naming her baby girl Grace. AMAZING! Simply because I believe existence to be AMAZING! When she told me so many things came to mind. First of all there it was again, Grace. Then I thought of how my friends have been my saving grace these past few months and finally I dreamt of the day I can look into my own child's eyes and say thank you, you're my saving grace. ;-) I'd like to believe that my birth father is handling that one wherever he is. It's like I told my sister when I was home recently, I think he can now do for us what he never could when he was alive. He's rooting for us.

I believe he is now part of that magic that helps create circumstances that have people believing it is not possible or just a simple coincidence. I believe him and Neil are now part of the team that make the inexplicable a possibility here on earth. The kind of stuff that no matter how much we try to understand with human logic we never will. It's magic. ;-) The same magic that I believe they conjured up when I sat here typing crying my eyes out finishing a blog in immense sadness the phone rang and on the other end was the woman who has been guiding me through this transition. They crossed our paths right on time. Kate will forever hold a special place in my heart. Next week our sessions end and with that end I face a lot of things that have led me to an Entirely New Beginning. I feel like letting Neil go and accepting what is has arrived. Silly but I kept thinking that somehow he'd be back eventually in human form and that this past Monday as I flew back to LA and Millie blew out her three year birthday candles he'd somehow reappear.

However in my session this week I fell apart overwhelmed by the date I flew back on and its significance which also brought up a lot as I had just been home with my family, a place I felt he deserved to be at as well, with his. By the end of the session something came over me. Something I knew I had known before. Acceptance of what is not what I wish was showed itself once more accompanied by grace. I accepted out loud that he was not here and that I could move on now. That he would not be mad at me for it. I believe he knows my dad now. While I have struggled to believe Neil's departure was in his best interest because of the life my dad led I believe he is once and for all in the arms of grace and that his journey there was quite a long one.

As a society we are often taught to hide our emotions because they make us weak. As the young man on the flight taught me earlier this week, our emotions make us that which we can not help but be and that which we were created to be, human. I faced mine, feared being consumed by them and loosing who I had worked so hard let myself be and as I get ready to say thank you for holding my hand through this to Kate and walk away from the transition she helped endure these words come to mind "T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear and Grace, my fears relieved. How precious did that Grace appear the hour I first BELIEVED." I believe with all my heart and soul that by the grace of God I will endure whatever this beautiful journey guides me to and through because there is one thing I believe more than anything in the world, I am never alone. Since I chose to walk the road God led me on and face my fears slowly I have fallen back into the arms of grace. After all I have to walk by the museum of death to get to my therapy every week and as I see it there is life yet again showing me that I am capable of much more than I ever thought I was. May your journey lead you gracefully home.

The sweet taste of surrendering.

2011-03-22T08:45:00.000-07:00

For over a week now I've been thinking about surrender and today 34,000 feet in the air on my return flight to Los Angeles I found its true meaning. There is no greater place to practice surrendering than somewhere where you are completely powerless. Yes I can try and play captain but the truth is I am not remotely qualified to guide this flight anywhere and in accepting that knowledge lies the opportunity to surrender and taste the sweetness of it, which comes from trusting God and the universe with whom they've elected to guide us home. Sounds quite simple as I write it doesn't it? Now let me you how I reached that point.

All day I've been anxious. For years I had flight anxiety and the more I flew and worked on my fears in therapy the less anxiety was present. Then in 2006 when my indie company took off and I found myself having to travel to NY a few times that year and then to different places when we toured with the play the anxiety disappeared. I had no trouble getting on a plane. I can recall like it was yesterday as I flew across the ocean on my way to Rome that we got tossed around and thrown down pretty badly by the winds, the initial fear was followed by the sweet taste of surrender. There was not a thing I could do and there was no better place to practice the faith I constantly claim to possess than in that moment.

So today as anxiety took over me, still reeling from the sudden loss of Neil and my birth father, I looked around for an aisle seat as I feared I needed access to an easy escape. As the stewardess explained the emergency procedure I looked for the emergency exits and as the plane flew into the air I did the cross. Something I always do but this time it was based in fear not gratitude. When I get to the other side of fear, faith, and do it in gratitude I realize what a magical thing it is to be able to fly.

As we went into the air I prayed to be relieved of this anxiety. Who wants to spend three hours in nothing but fear. As I turned to my right to look out the window my saving grace revealed itself. I had hoped to sit next to someone who would calm my fears but as fate would have it the grace I longed desperately to receive I would become. The young man sitting next to me began asking the women behind us if the flight to Los Angeles was bumpy. As she began to explain to him about the Santa Ana winds he looked over at me in complete fear. I looked him in the eye and told him with absolute confidence that he was fine. I went on to explain what my brother, who is a pilot, had explained to me. Turbulence he had told me, was like a bump in the road. Think of driving your car and all of the sudden you hit a pothole or uneven pavement, that is what turbulence is to the plane, a bump in the road. He looked at me and smiled and I hoped to have calmed some of his fear as he said he was hyperventilating.

I believe that the big difference for us passengers is that when we fly we have no control over the steering wheel yet when we drive we are under the illusion that we are in control because we can move the wheel. If I am to look at the big picture and I always do, in either scenario we aren't fully in control, we can only do so much. That is why when I choose to surrender the taste is sweet. It's in surrendering to the powerlessness I have in the big picture that allows grace to come over me. In his fear I was reflected and that is how he became my saving grace and catapulted me into the calm that took over me once I chose faith. It felt perhaps like what a mother feels when she protects her children. I felt compelled to watch over him the entire flight.

Every time the captain spoke he took off his headphones and looked at me asking in panic what was being said. When the seat belt sign went back on he looked at me and when we hit some pretty bad turbulence what I anticipated may happen did. He reached out for my hand and I held it tightly. He smiled at me and I offered him some of my chamomile tea which I always carry and which is great for calming our nerves. He ended up drinking two cups. Every time he smiled at me nervously I could see myself in his eyes and who I had been all day until we crossed paths. I realized it's not death I fear. It's not being able to say goodbye and thank you to everyone I love that saddens me and fills me with fear. The thought of here today gone tomorrow without doing all I had hoped for and said all I had hoped for is what was producing this anxiety but the greatest gift was boarding that plane and not letting the fear win. After all I had a fly anytime on any flight ticket so I had an out.

Once again by living this experience I saw how fear can take the joy out of living. After all we flew across the country on plane in the clouds! I am so grateful to be sitting next to him today because I know he came to teach me how much power and beauty lies in faith and how much better I feel when I am engulfed by the light of faith than consumed by the flames of fear. As I endure another two hours I have a feeling I'll be looking is way again. At some point after we land I will take the time to tell him how he touched my life and helped me. I will tell him how he became my saving grace which is why I will call him Savior. ;-) May your journey allow you to find the grace that comes from surrendering in faith to the unknown while holding all hope that all is as it should be.

P.S. all songs usually reflect lyrically what I feel. While this one almost does I have to say that the line, "where every step I took in faith betrayed me", actually betrays my true feelings. While I may not always understand why I end up where I do or grow through what I do I continue to have absolute FAITH that it is ultimately in the best interest of my growth on this journey, this time around. ;-) By the way he was a six foot mid to late twenties man. What I loved the most was how vulnerable he allowed himself to be. How human of him. ;-)

The journey continues! Meet the Bearing Fruit production team.

2011-02-28T14:57:00.000-08:00

As I make my way through these recent transitions I can tell you one thing is certain for me, the loss of my dad and friend have taught me that I must go on because what we all know becomes more evident, there are no guarantees. I trusted myself enough to know that I would be able to move forward and continue my journey for this current project that consumes me with passion when it felt right and that time has come. Someday I will chrononicle the entire journey of the project whose title can not be more fitting, Bearing Fruit. The signs that kept my hope alive, Esperanza Spalding, the things I choose to walk away from, investors,while trusting God that putting principle before profit would pay off. Most of all the way I was able to see how every detour, where it felt like it in the moment or not, was indeed leading me to the road that I was meant to be on. I trust the detours are leading to a destination far beyond what I can dream, which is why delays sometimes take place in order to make sure all of us journeying together are ready.

I believe universal conspiracies usually require that we be ready to step into the big shoes aka a big moment life presents us with. That we be ready for the grandiose destination we are being guided to is crucial as any negative feelings can make you believe you aren't deserving when in reality I believe you are guided to exactly what you have worked hard for and more. On this journey I am accompanied by some extraordinary teachers who everyday show me what passion, dreams and tenacity can create. I present to you with great honor the production team behind Bearing Fruit. Without them my journey would be incomplete and very different. For their ability to weather the storm with me with such grace I am beyond grateful. I can't not wait to see where all this is taking us. We appreciate your support as we continue to move forward and Bear Fruit.

Bearing Fruit is a dramatic narrative that explores the depth and complexity of our familial relationships. The story is a character study into some of the pertinent philosophical questions that have emerged from Man’s use of modern technology. The interpersonal struggles of the Rodriguez family will allow the audience to ponder and experience the relationship between science and ethics, causing us to contemplate and define the parameters between human individuality and the collective units that structure our society. (Website coming soon)

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER PAUL RODRIGUEZ

Comedian/Actor Paul Rodriguez was born in Culiacán, Sinaloa, Mexico to parents who were migrant farm laborers. He was raised in East Los Angeles and served in the military, where he was stationed in Iceland and Duluth, Minnesota. Rodriguez considered becoming a lawyer, but instead went into comedy. His first shot at national fame was the ABC sitcom a.k.a. Pablo. Rodriguez has starred in several feature films including, D.C. Cab, Born in East L.A., Tortilla Soup, Rat Race, and Ali. He directed and starred in the film A Million to Juan. Rodriguez has also performed voice-over roles on King of the Hill, Dora the Explorer and Beverly Hills Chihuahua. In 2011 he will return to theaters alongside Eva Longoria and Christian Slater in Without Men, in which Rodriguez plays a guerrilla leader. Rodriguez currently stars in the comedy-reality series 'Mis Videos Locos' on MTV Tr3s. He is glad to be a part of the Bearing Fruit team and annoy, we mean support long time friend Adriana Garza.

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER/ACTOR ADRIANA GARZA
"Adriana Garza is a talented actress, producer, and above all a human being who is capable of following her dreams." Paulo Coelho- Latin Star Magazine Oct. 09’

Adriana was born to Mexican parents in Brownsville, Texas. As a result her childhood consisted of traveling between Mexico and the United States making her fluent in both languages. Her ballerina mother, Mercedes Cortazar, who put Adriana in dance classes at the age of three and theater at the age of ten, influenced her career choice.

As an actor she has appeared in several commercials for Dodge, Burger King, and Reddi Wip to name a few. In 2009 she appeared in a commercial for Unicef’s Tap Project, which prompted her to become a volunteer with the 2010 Tap Project and produce the Los Angeles fundraiser for Unicef’s Tap Project. She is passionate about the cause because it provides children in underdeveloped countries their basic human right, clean water. Her Unicef commercial, "Desperate", has gone on to win eight awards in 2009 and 2010, most recently the NY Festival Award awarded in Shanghai. In 2009 it was one of ten finalists at the Cannes Lions Awards from over 4,000 International entries. She also appeared as the lead character Athena in "The Experimental Witch" as well as produced the film. In May of 2010 Adriana was awarded the President’s Volunteer Service Award for her commitment to community service.

Since its inception in 2006 her production company’s work has been featured in GLAMOUR magazine, won her the Toyota Moving Forward Award, won the Paulo Coelho International Film competition, premiered at the Rome Film Festival and helped create awareness of the Global Water Crisis.

DIRECTOR RANDY KENT

Randy’s feature work includes Life, Death & Mini-Golf, starring SNL’s Kristen Wiig; The Lempke Brothers; the current festival touring indie drama Life Of Lemon, starring Dan Lauria and Beth Grant; and the horror anthology The Perfect House, that is soon start a multi-city tour campaign.

His short film, Timmy the Bag Boy, is an award winning festival hit that played throughout the United States, along with schools across the country of India.

Additional awards Kent has received throughout his career include “Best Comedy Short”, “Best Commercial” and “Best Music Video” at The Hollywood Film Look Festival.

With one feature film currently in post-production, two projects touring the country and another in pre-production, this award winning director continues to push boundaries with his off-the-cuff sense of humor, style and his keen eye for taking stories from the written page to the screen.

WRITER JOHN A. RINCON

John Andrew Rincon was born in Corpus Christi, Texas (a.k.a. "The Sparkling City by the Sea"); birthplace of Farah Fawcett, legendary Tejano singer Selena and, most prominently, the world famous Whataburger.

From a young age, John's writing ability was recognised by teachers; however, at the age of 10, John turned down entry into a magnet school for gifted students in order to stay at public school with "his bros". His subsequent youth was spent either on the beach or in trouble and sometimes a colorful combination of both. As the story goes, it wasn't until John reached 28 years of age that he finally picked up his pen again. With a multitude of diverse life experiences under his belt, he has since graduated from The University of Texas RTF program and is now living in Sydney, Australia with his lovely new wife and daughter, where he is currently working on his next script: Mucho Garcia: Operation Garden The Prequel; a comedic satire that is a modern day version of Don Quixote meets Austin Powers.

CO-PRODUCER LISA SKARVELES

Lisa was born in sunny south Florida and gained a passion for film at a very young age. She enjoyed countless movie marathons and became captivated with storytelling and the movie-making process. Her original career plan involved Law School but after high school, she decided that life was to short and she wanted to pursue her passion of film. She graduated from the University of Central Florida at the age of 20 with a Bachelor of Science in Business Administration and a minor in Cinema Studies. A few months after graduation, she packed up her bags and moved to Los Angeles to start her career. This is where her journey begins and will continue to grow.

CASTING DIRECTOR BLANCA VALDEZ

Blanca Valdez Casting Inc. is a leading provider of talent casting services to production companies and advertising agencies. Services include: casting in English, casting in Spanish, multi language casting, accent specific casting, real people for any market, celebrities of all types, voice over casting, print AD/Photo talent search, special abilities, hard to fill roles. BVC offers coordinated multi location casting services via it’s network of partners in Las Vegas, New York, Miami, Vancouver B.C., Toronto, Mexico City, Madrid, Paris, Rio de Janeiro, and Buenos Aires. The busiest dedicated and independent casting facility in Los Angeles is also among the most technologically advanced. Each of their young and energetic casting associates is bilingual and all have experience in both the English and Spanish markets. They specialize in saving their clients time and money by providing a single stop talent source no matter what market, vector, language, or accent. Blanca Valdez has done it all, more than once, and she has the credits and the reputation to prove it. We are honored to have her onboard.

WARDROBE STYLIST MICHAEL MULLEN

Michael originally hails from San Antonio, Texas and currently lives in Hollywood with his two dogs Wally and Lulu (a.k.a. his children) and loves to eat, perform, design clothes and costumes, eat, write, watch GENERAL HOSPITAL, and oh yeah-eat. He has a degree in theatre from The University of Southern California and a fashion design degree from The Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising. Michael has performed in and costume designed several productions both on stage and on film throughout Los Angeles. Some of the plays that he has performed in recently are: ALEXANDRA (East L.A. Rep.), SEVEN AT WEST 70TH (Little Fish Theatre), DON GIOVANNI TONIGHT, DON CARLO TOMORROW (Sacred Fools Theatre), SOPHISTICATED BROADWAY (The Blank Theatre Company), TOOTH AND NAIL (Little Fish Theatre), SYLVIA (Hermosa Beach Playhouse), WAIT UNTIL DARK (Hermosa Beach Playhouse), CHICO'S ANGELS (Cavern Club Theatre), PORCELAIN (Celebration Theatre), OOOOOGY GREEN AND OTHER FABLES (Celebration Theatre, Geffen Playhouse, and Magic Theatre), AMERICA’S NEXT TOP BOTTOM (Celebration Theatre and The Actor's Playhouse), DEAR HARVEY (Celebration Theatre), THE ART OF BEING (Artworks Theatre Los Angeles and The Bailiwick Chicago).

He is currently costuming BEARING FRUIT (Adriana Garza Productions) and CABARET (Doma Productions). You can also check out some of his fashion design escapades on Craigslist TV (Youtube.Com/Craigslist) which is produced by Brownstone Entertainment. He hopes to one day have an evening and bridal wear clothing line.

For futher information on Bearing Fruit and Adriana Garza Productions please visit
Adriana Garza Productions

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This blog wouldn't be complete if I didn't end it the way I always do. Everyone mentioned in this blog at one point or another in the past few months held me up and helped me through the unknown. They were my flashlight in the darkness that appeared as all doors seemed to close at once and leave me in the dark hallway. Most of all their actions showed that they had faith in me trusting that when I was ready the light inside of me, which has been dimmed by what the unknown has brought, would again become a firework and that time has come. For their faith in me there really are no words as I do not need that faith when GLAMOUR, Toyota, Paulo Coelho and Rome come calling, on the contrary I need it when they are not and while I live my way into the what next. May you be blessed to be surrounded by people whose faith guides you back to your light and may an explosion of fireworks occur when all your lights come together too!

Waiting for the end, Entirely New Direction, to come.

2011-02-23T17:23:00.000-08:00

Twenty days ago I was sitting here expressing all I was feeling and while I did that the call I was hoping for arrived right as I finished typing my last blog and right on time. It's been three weeks since I've sat across from the woman whose voice I heard on the other end of the line and who at the time was a complete stranger to me. I had contacted her office because as I grow through different journeys in this lifetime I keep learning what is in my best interest and gratefully I've learned to act upon those lessons. What I realized this time was that I couldn't wait for the pain I was feeling to devour me and launch me into a deep sea of fear. I had to take action because I knew that I couldn't avoid life on life's terms. I couldn't change Neil's passing or my father's passing. No matter how magical I believe the universe to be I knew that was one thing the universe could not grant me and I was being met with an END. A journey full of hope to be able to know my dad someday had come to an end and would not be. A journey full of hope of working with Neil again and watching him gracefully and kindly guide his crew through a film set had also met its end and would not come to be. Both of the those journeys had arrived at a literal end and so I knew what would have to come next for me. My end with them would be an opportunity to take an Entirely New Direction as I live on.

I knew I had to move on but I also knew I had to walk through the fire that was now my reality. I prayed to not be consumed by the fire of fears that constantly plagued me. I was in a reality so far from the one I knew but what I had learned the most in the past few years was that if I refused to face this reality head on and face my biggest fear, being consumed by the flames of these fears I was living and the unbalance my life was currently in, I would pay an even bigger price and someday down the line when I least expected I would come undone. I would fall apart out of nowhere because all I refuse to face now would eventually catch up to me and remind me that what I resisted persisted, as many things have in my past. So that fateful day I told the complete stranger on the other end of the line that I would see her the following week and that I was grateful for the six weeks I would be spending sitting across from her.

After our first session I told her why I cried the way I did on our first phone call. I mentioned my blog and how I had just finished typing it when her call came through. Coincidence? Wish I believed in those but I don't. I believe there are no accidents and what she told me next reassured me in my belief! This therapy six week session is free but you have to qualify based on need for therapy. When I applied I was told there was a waiting list and it would be a few months. I thought fine I'll go when the universe thinks it's time for me to go, as with everything in my life. Do I always agree with the timing? Maybe not right away but eventually I come to see that timing is everything and that I have no control over timing. ;-) She told me she had a stack of applications she was looking through and one session available. She said when she ran across mine she knew to call me. Accident? Not in my eyes. I had just had a really rough day and had blogged about it and asked for help and there she was. A timely heaven sent angel because God and the universe saw my pain and wanted to help me face the fires of fears I was tempted to be consumed by.

While I may realize that these fears I was facing are indeed false evidence appearing real some days they felt more real than false and were accompanied with an array of emotions. Emotions I did not long to hide or run from but emotions I also did not want to be consumed by. I wanted to restore my balance and in order for that to happen I knew I would have to walk through the fears, face them get to the brink of insanity and come back to my essence. I have been working on that for three weeks and have another three to go. Today as I left her office I realized that I like her a lot and that are paths crossing is no coincidence. While things are coming up again that I dealt with last time in therapy, which are bound to resurface when you are grieving not only the loss of your father but also the loss of what could have been, I actually feel lighter when I leave her office and not drained like I often did the last time I was in therapy in 2005. It feels like I am letting go and letting God a lot more than I ever have. That while a sadness underlines the acceptance of my current reality I am still able to accept it.

The balance I completely lost in the weeks after my father's passing which caused me to act out in fear is being restored. Everyday one day at a time I put one foot in front of the other and move forward as best as I can. Most days I laugh and everyday I am grateful for my existence and the fact that it allows me to be here to grow through this journey. A journey which I trust, whether it is clear right now or not, is taking me in an Entirely New Direction. I believe it is not a coincidence that my six week session ends as spring begins. That perhaps the universe timed it so that this butterfly can shed her cocoon when the flowers bloom once again and the sun will hopefully not only shine in the skies over Los Angeles but God willing genuinely in my heart once more.

Today in session when speaking of ways I block myself in receiving love from those I am interested in we laughed as we concluded I am not perfect and should forgive myself for actions taken based on fear immediately following the passing of my father which ended up alienating someone I wanted close by. Oh and that whole not perfect thing is up for debate. I kid of course it's all about progress not perfection for me. In that progress not perfection mindset I decided to keep working on my film because life is short but to not throw myself into work so much I lost balance again. I opted to stay away from any action that stemmed from fear and denied me the ability to process the process and eventually take me in an entirely new direction. I decided to face my fears and comfort myself with music like this song whose appearance and timing in my life was no coincidence and whose lyrics I found complete solace in. As the song says, "This is not what I had planned. It’s out of my control. I know what it takes to move on" and since I do I sit here and share with you my journey towards my Entirely New Direction and my only hope is that you may find your way through yours too!