It's time to let go and close one door therefore allowing the door to the what next to open. I have lived enough to learn that if I keep persisting down the same path and hoping for a different view than I am simply being stubborn not faithful. I had held faith against all obstacles that my team and I could produce results but the deadline arrived and we were unable to do so. The new proposed agreement was something I could not agree to and so on behalf of my team and after discussing it with them I let go of a way of life we have known to be ours for over two years. I apologized to my team for doing so and was continuously told there was no reason to apologize. I was reassured that I was not hurting anyone but when people have been working with you free of charge for over a year or two you can't help but feel like you may have failed them in not being able to bring to fruition your collective dream. Although deep down inside I know all is as it should be.
I have yet again been informed of all my character defects and what a truly different person I am that what I expose on here and through my work. It was in those words that I found my answer. I could continue going back and forth with someone whose form of communication is insults or I could do what I have learned repeatedly even the hard way is best, surrender and let go. The same question I posed earlier in the week arrived again. Do I want to be happy or do I want to right? This time the answer was different. There is only so much negative/depleting/fallen angel energy one can face before realizing the victory doesn't lie in winning it lies in knowing when to surrender and let go. In my case doing so leads to happiness. I pondered how important is this? In the big picture of life not at all. Try thinking of your problem at hand as this. On a scale of one to ten, 9/11 being a ten where does your problem lie? Mine is not even on the scale. I have my friend Bev to thank for posing that question to me years ago. I then pondered does letting go silence my voice? Absolutely not. What is my body feeling? Tired and depleted!!! What is my heart saying? LET GO! So I decided to do just that.
The court I wanted to abide by when standing up for my team and myself was the moral code of life court. A moral compass I believe we are all born with but one texts in books and contracts can find its way around. It can make the moral compass gauge become "invisible." That is until what you have done is returned to you. This journey brought with it a lesson that I will never forget. In the eyes of the law one missing word can change everything including two years of hard work but I revert to what I believe. In the eyes of God and the universe and the law I abide by, do onto others as you would want done to you, no matter who tries to talk you into otherwise all is taken care of even if in the moment it APPEARS otherwise. In due time light is always shed on the truth. Not my perception or theirs but the actual universal truth. I don't fear anyone, their attacks on my character or their threats against me. Their attacks on my character were done with my own words, which they took the time to read here and quote from past interviews. That is a lot of energy wasted on something you dislike so much and their example carried a HUGE lesson. I didn't want to become them so I had to let them go. No matter how much truth was held in plain text of paper trails there was of course as there always is in law a way to distort it. I know I was advised repeatedly by different people who can interpret the law to take them down. To do to them what they were attempting to do to me.
I chose not to. I chose instead to continue to be love and light no matter what they continue to interpret in order to justify their actions. I am definitely wearing the horns these days and Halloween already came to pass. ;-) I would like to point out that there are always two sides to a story, which is why I encouraged them to stop quoting mine, which caused them so much anger and start their own using their own voice. As I state here on my page to the right under my picture, "this is simply one woman's opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest behind." By all means if what you take angers you please leave it here. This is simply a place I come to chronicle my journey in hopes of allowing you the reader into a world where we can hold hope despite all the life on its terms situations we encounter.
This journey and its teacher came with so many great lessons I wouldn't give any of it back! I wouldn't change a thing! For over two years I did everything within my power to bring this to fruition. It did not come to fruition no matter what I tried. I was met with detour after detour after detour and finally reached a destination. Not one I envisioned but one I am beyond grateful occurred now before we got any further. It simply was not meant to be and at this point in my life and after seeing things and situations in the blinding light of the sun I am glad to accept God's will. After all man's rejection is God's protection. I am being protected from something and I have to trust that. I just know it and in the recent attacks it became clear that my happiness mattered more than being right or trying to change their perception. Finding solace in people seeing the world as they are not as it is and knowing therefore that trying to convince an angry person to see me through loving eyes is pointless. I can no longer play a game of whose right because in the big picture which includes loosing Neil and my dad in one year this is not that important. I'd rather play I let go and move on allowing the universe to bestow its magic upon me. It's a much better game. I have learned this repeatedly and did yet again.
So if anyone wants to use what is not theirs and call it theirs by interpreting their idea of text implies I will have to abide by the golden rule, as you do so shall be done to you. No longer desiring the they said I said battle I chose to walk away and take my team with me closing the door on this therefore creating space for all we deserve to arrive. I just simply can't keep going down the same path hoping for a different view! I have to head to a new path and create a new view. Even if I was told I don't have the capacity to create. I am going to have to take my past work, its accolades and most of all my gut feeling and carry on. Keep calm and carry on. It's not like it's the first time I heard you can't. Last time it propelled me into manifestation of a most GLAMOROUS experience. ;-)
I realize in all their constant quoting to attack me and make my beliefs theirs that imitation is a form of flattery I do not want bestowed upon me as I am big on encouraging anyone to find their voice and what speaks to them. Follow YOUR heart! I do not intend to know exactly where all this letting go is leading to but I do have an idea as signs have been clearly guiding me. As usual I know it will exceed my expectations. This simply was just not meant to be. It wasn't written in the stars as hard as I worked to have it be so. I have been shown once more whose in control and I let go as I recall the magic that the light born of the darkness has produced in my life before. I find solace in memories. I have been "stripped" simply because although this was pretty darn magical we deserve something a bit more magical where our work can be appreciated. I have great trust that this END is taking us there. To an Entirely New Direction. May you know when to let go and like me may you have an abundance of guidance through friends and family who support your sweet surrender. I thank you for your time! AG Productions will return on God's time with the what next....to be continued. Till then may you continue to CREATE the life of YOUR DREAMS using YOUR VOICE and learning the art of knowing when to let go.
Thank you God for giving me the gift of knowing who I am. I am GRATEFUL to all of you who held my hand in one way or another these past couple of years! It's time to allow the seasons to do what they do best, bring change. I am humbled by their constant wisdom. "Everything I have seen teaches to me trust the creator for all I have not seen." RW Emerson I will be the light! "I see the light. And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back. So shake him off! It's always darkest before the dawn. Damned if I do. Damned if I don't." I LET GO!
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Embracing the synchronicity in the falling of the leaves.
Every year people head to New York to witness the magic of the universe as it greets Autumn. This is most commonly known as the falling of the leaves, which brings with it stunning change and a time of renewed hope as the season of giving and love arrives soon after. I'd like to think these gifts are constantly in season during the journey I call my life. Like the effortless change of seasons I allow these gifts of "season" to embody me year round. I know I try to have it be the case. With all that surrounds me in nature I am reminded of the one thing that is constant, change. Especially on walks like the one I took this morning whose glorious gift let me know that I need not be far from home to see the magic of change.
Change is always taking place in my life whether I am aware of it or not. I like to think of it as magic being brewed miles and miles away from here by forces unseen like God, my dad, Neil, grandpa and all who have left Planet Earth. There are many personal reasons as to why I have this sense that things work that way and today on my walk I realized I was ready to share one of those due to all the synchronicity that this current falling of leaves has brought into my life.
One night not long after my father passed, a man I had not seen since I was seven, and while I was in deep sleep I clearly heard Adriana. Not Adriana pronounced in English but my name the way I like to hear it ADRIANA en espanol. I opened my eyes and quite frankly I thought I was still dreaming. There it was close to my bed the spirit/silhouette/shape of a man in a suit. I couldn't believe my eyes. I turned to the clock on my nightstand, looked back at it and before I knew it, it began to disappear. When it happened I only shared the story with two people. One replied, "I am not surprised at all. As in touch as you are with what you sense it probably knew you would see it." It I came to understand was my father. After years of not being with me he came to see me. Actually see me.
I had heard stories like this before and discarded them. It just sounded plain weird. That is until it happened to me. I went on to share it in group therapy and found that I was not the only one with that experience. A relief I must say that others like me can see beyond what we are taught to. That others use their sense of intuition as well. This is the part where some wise crack friend asks me what I was on. So for the record I've never done anything in my life. Nope. Not even the home grown stuff. ;-) These experiences are simply them as I lived it. Nothing added. After all not only do we see the world as we are, we live based on our beliefs. It can be a beautiful mess or it can be a torturous mess. I prefer to see the beauty in this existence, detours and life on life's terms moments included.
His departure was a HUGE season change for me and it kicked off 2011. Not exactly what I had envisioned but what has come due to his departure is this sense that now he has my back like he never could before. He wasn't equipped to raise children and with his background and no help to heal, remember therapy was for crazy people once upon a time, there was in my humble opinion no way anyone could have expected him to know what to do with us. However I have this sense that he is watching over me constantly now. A sense that is constantly reaffirmed in the words of friends and family. Some would never want to accept that he could possibly be behind the synchronicity as the leaves of change keep falling in my life but I know he is. Simply because everything my heart needs only God, the universe and my angels know of and yet at the most precise of moments when doubt wants to become my bestfriend in the words of a friend I hear my father. Words reaffirmed by my friend Jessica's post on facebook. This sign can only truly make sense to me. A sign reminding me that no matter my past I AM WORTHY of BEING LOVED.
It's astonishing to me even now, years after following signs, how magically we are all taken care of if we choose to see it. As I walked this morning after finally finishing what I consider the footwork and knowing the outcome is in God's hands, I ran across this.
Again something that can only make sense to me but something that really makes me grateful for having awareness. For being open to communicating with God and the universe in more than one way. While I do pray on my knees sometimes, I am in constant prayer. I consider my conversations with God prayer. Prayers of gratitude, of faith, of fear, of trust, of astonishment and so on. They are always happening. It makes my mom happy to have me sit beside her in mass and so I do. If people want to see me as religious because I do that is fine with me. What I see is gratitude for being able to sit next to my mother one more year no matter where I am. It makes me happy to stand at the edge of the cliff at Runyon and converse with my understading of God and so I do. I am open to accepting different ways of communicating with this unseen force whose name is really not as important to me as trusting it hears me and of course guides me, yet I choose to call it God. For me enter all who seek means enter within and find YOUR answers. Within is where God is. In YOUR heart. Yes it's great to seek comfort in like minds but embrace your individuality and in that I feel you will find comfort in all that comes your way and hopefully gratitude for being the unique creation of God you are.
As my leaves continue to fall and I grow through bare seasons, harsh weather seasons and joyful, giving seasons I continue to hold gratitude for all of it in my heart. Every bit of it that the seasons of this past year brought. From enduring all the paper trails twice, to basking in the light in the eyes of a dear friend where I feel seen and whose timing I believe was definitely my father's gift as since he was gone when our paths crossed, to holding my friend Kellie's son, to holding Cienna, to being on the set, to being on the couch in tears, to my girl's night with a dear friend proving we are like crazy and growing together in our friendship, to the gifts from GLAMOUR and their timing, to the artistry of Areli who while she may be responsible for my make up is actually brought so much more to my life, to watching Tammy and Patrick's union of love celebrated as well as Vince and Cole's and having all my dear friends hold me my hand through all the change. ALL OF IT. All of the changes brought upon by the constant seasons of my life are welcome.
A year ago as my thirty-fourth approached I was a wreck. Neil had passed a couple of months before and I kept questioning if I'd get up to see my birthday as he passed a month before his. I kept calling my mom to hear her voice. I was trying to stay afloat in a sea of fear. As the season of mourning passed I did find the shore again. It was far from easy but I stayed in the water and my lifesavers became my fellow mourners in group therapy. Eventually the sun came out again and with it the season of change that is being brewed up far away right now. I trust in it and its magic! I don't fear the changes it brings anymore. I have found my way back to my source of light! I am able to let go once again being the woman I knew before Neil and my dad "departed" and an even stronger version. To me they are still here. They are this final sign I got upon returning home from my walk this morning. Reaffirming my belief that I have indeed done all I can in all matters of my heart and affairs and that seasons bring in new friends and see friends depart as well. That it is time to let go and let the magic of my footwork unfold on its own.
The synchronicity in the falling of the leaves I am experiencing is only for me to understand. However my prayer for you is that when the constant change is brought upon into your life by the seasons doing what they were created to do may you do what one of my favorite poems suggests, "More and more I have come to admire resilience. Not the simple resistance of a pillow, whose foam returns over and over to the same shape, but the sinuous tenacity of a tree: finding the light newly blocked on one side, it turns in another. A blind intelligence, true. But out of such persistence arose turtles, rivers, mitochondria, figs and all this resinous, unretractable earth." May you find beauty and embrace the gifts of your seasons as they too will come to pass. Stay present in their beauty! Be open to their gifts! You may just find that the light brings with it dreams that exceed your expectations! May their timing return to you the awe of our childhoods and our discoveries. May you find within you the courage to weather the storm and the constant season called change. Dear God and the universe I am ready when you are!
Change is always taking place in my life whether I am aware of it or not. I like to think of it as magic being brewed miles and miles away from here by forces unseen like God, my dad, Neil, grandpa and all who have left Planet Earth. There are many personal reasons as to why I have this sense that things work that way and today on my walk I realized I was ready to share one of those due to all the synchronicity that this current falling of leaves has brought into my life.
One night not long after my father passed, a man I had not seen since I was seven, and while I was in deep sleep I clearly heard Adriana. Not Adriana pronounced in English but my name the way I like to hear it ADRIANA en espanol. I opened my eyes and quite frankly I thought I was still dreaming. There it was close to my bed the spirit/silhouette/shape of a man in a suit. I couldn't believe my eyes. I turned to the clock on my nightstand, looked back at it and before I knew it, it began to disappear. When it happened I only shared the story with two people. One replied, "I am not surprised at all. As in touch as you are with what you sense it probably knew you would see it." It I came to understand was my father. After years of not being with me he came to see me. Actually see me.
I had heard stories like this before and discarded them. It just sounded plain weird. That is until it happened to me. I went on to share it in group therapy and found that I was not the only one with that experience. A relief I must say that others like me can see beyond what we are taught to. That others use their sense of intuition as well. This is the part where some wise crack friend asks me what I was on. So for the record I've never done anything in my life. Nope. Not even the home grown stuff. ;-) These experiences are simply them as I lived it. Nothing added. After all not only do we see the world as we are, we live based on our beliefs. It can be a beautiful mess or it can be a torturous mess. I prefer to see the beauty in this existence, detours and life on life's terms moments included.
His departure was a HUGE season change for me and it kicked off 2011. Not exactly what I had envisioned but what has come due to his departure is this sense that now he has my back like he never could before. He wasn't equipped to raise children and with his background and no help to heal, remember therapy was for crazy people once upon a time, there was in my humble opinion no way anyone could have expected him to know what to do with us. However I have this sense that he is watching over me constantly now. A sense that is constantly reaffirmed in the words of friends and family. Some would never want to accept that he could possibly be behind the synchronicity as the leaves of change keep falling in my life but I know he is. Simply because everything my heart needs only God, the universe and my angels know of and yet at the most precise of moments when doubt wants to become my bestfriend in the words of a friend I hear my father. Words reaffirmed by my friend Jessica's post on facebook. This sign can only truly make sense to me. A sign reminding me that no matter my past I AM WORTHY of BEING LOVED.
It's astonishing to me even now, years after following signs, how magically we are all taken care of if we choose to see it. As I walked this morning after finally finishing what I consider the footwork and knowing the outcome is in God's hands, I ran across this.
Again something that can only make sense to me but something that really makes me grateful for having awareness. For being open to communicating with God and the universe in more than one way. While I do pray on my knees sometimes, I am in constant prayer. I consider my conversations with God prayer. Prayers of gratitude, of faith, of fear, of trust, of astonishment and so on. They are always happening. It makes my mom happy to have me sit beside her in mass and so I do. If people want to see me as religious because I do that is fine with me. What I see is gratitude for being able to sit next to my mother one more year no matter where I am. It makes me happy to stand at the edge of the cliff at Runyon and converse with my understading of God and so I do. I am open to accepting different ways of communicating with this unseen force whose name is really not as important to me as trusting it hears me and of course guides me, yet I choose to call it God. For me enter all who seek means enter within and find YOUR answers. Within is where God is. In YOUR heart. Yes it's great to seek comfort in like minds but embrace your individuality and in that I feel you will find comfort in all that comes your way and hopefully gratitude for being the unique creation of God you are.
As my leaves continue to fall and I grow through bare seasons, harsh weather seasons and joyful, giving seasons I continue to hold gratitude for all of it in my heart. Every bit of it that the seasons of this past year brought. From enduring all the paper trails twice, to basking in the light in the eyes of a dear friend where I feel seen and whose timing I believe was definitely my father's gift as since he was gone when our paths crossed, to holding my friend Kellie's son, to holding Cienna, to being on the set, to being on the couch in tears, to my girl's night with a dear friend proving we are like crazy and growing together in our friendship, to the gifts from GLAMOUR and their timing, to the artistry of Areli who while she may be responsible for my make up is actually brought so much more to my life, to watching Tammy and Patrick's union of love celebrated as well as Vince and Cole's and having all my dear friends hold me my hand through all the change. ALL OF IT. All of the changes brought upon by the constant seasons of my life are welcome.
A year ago as my thirty-fourth approached I was a wreck. Neil had passed a couple of months before and I kept questioning if I'd get up to see my birthday as he passed a month before his. I kept calling my mom to hear her voice. I was trying to stay afloat in a sea of fear. As the season of mourning passed I did find the shore again. It was far from easy but I stayed in the water and my lifesavers became my fellow mourners in group therapy. Eventually the sun came out again and with it the season of change that is being brewed up far away right now. I trust in it and its magic! I don't fear the changes it brings anymore. I have found my way back to my source of light! I am able to let go once again being the woman I knew before Neil and my dad "departed" and an even stronger version. To me they are still here. They are this final sign I got upon returning home from my walk this morning. Reaffirming my belief that I have indeed done all I can in all matters of my heart and affairs and that seasons bring in new friends and see friends depart as well. That it is time to let go and let the magic of my footwork unfold on its own.
The synchronicity in the falling of the leaves I am experiencing is only for me to understand. However my prayer for you is that when the constant change is brought upon into your life by the seasons doing what they were created to do may you do what one of my favorite poems suggests, "More and more I have come to admire resilience. Not the simple resistance of a pillow, whose foam returns over and over to the same shape, but the sinuous tenacity of a tree: finding the light newly blocked on one side, it turns in another. A blind intelligence, true. But out of such persistence arose turtles, rivers, mitochondria, figs and all this resinous, unretractable earth." May you find beauty and embrace the gifts of your seasons as they too will come to pass. Stay present in their beauty! Be open to their gifts! You may just find that the light brings with it dreams that exceed your expectations! May their timing return to you the awe of our childhoods and our discoveries. May you find within you the courage to weather the storm and the constant season called change. Dear God and the universe I am ready when you are!
Monday, October 31, 2011
Stumbling towards forgiveness.
I have been catapulted into some major growth recently and I can't stop expressing all that I am growing through as I stumble my way to forgiveness. I say stumble because what I am experiencing while I may have been in familiar territory before is yet still unlike anything else. I live in the moment and in this moment I have more love, compassion, and faith than I did before when similar scenarios arrived with lessons of growth to bestow upon me. That said I am still a human being who tries everyday as best as I can to be a human loving. It's definitely being tested right now but everyone who has had to be involved in the current growth spurt reassures me I am being love. It's tricky when people perceive otherwise and try to work things to their advantage from that angle because for a few minutes I actually contemplate their words turn to Bev and say maybe I am a horrible person. Luckily her look said it all and in her words she reassured me otherwise affirming what my heart tells me, that to those who don't get what they want from me, sadly I will be a horrible person.
Sadness, that is what is coming up for me the most right now as I follow paper trails in our defense. That is not at all what I thought I'd be doing right now but if I want to proceed with what I believe to be fair and earned I must come up with the proof of that earned fairness. That's a lot of emails. Years worth. Thank God I don't delete my sent box. I never thought I'd say those words. I am most grateful for my outbox capacity to hold over 10,000 emails. Yikes. It's not the first time this month I've had to defend my truth. Actually the second time I am following paper trails. I'd rather be outside flying paper airplanes but God is asking of me otherwise. I do believe,everything, even this is in God's plan. I would know nothing of courage, faith and strength if it wasn't. I'd be coasting along with other's beliefs of life, which I was brought up without truly learning to appreciate the art of living and all that comes with it. Without seeing the gift of the present and it is in that knowledge that I find gratitude for the current circumstance which I am not defined by but which will definitely continue to mold me.
While I may stumble towards forgiveness I currently reside, as I always do, in gratitude. Currently gratitude for the inspiration this situation has provided me with. Scroll down. I can't stop writing even if attempts to silence me where made. They actually fueled further expression of my growth in hopes to inspire you to always follow your heart, take action from a place of love and let God (whomever you believe in) handle the rest. It's really hard for me right now because all of this is taking a toll on my body who longs to be hiking or laying on a yoga mat but has been siting upright at my computer, reading, sorting, highlighting and printing for far too long with the exception of one beautiful celebration of love yesterday. ;-) One of my friend's asked is it worth it? A great question because I abide by the "do you want to be right or do you want to be happy question?" in life. I want to be happy and in this particular situation being right comes with it. They are holding hands with the light that guides them backed up by my work.
I stumble not only to towards forgiveness but to express the desire to be right. I continue learning that as woman, I believe in any field not just mine, some people still do not see us as equals but someone who can be talked down to and attacked instead of spoken to while attempting to use my words against me all because I said no to a request I found unfair in the ninth hour. Within me sadness resides along with confusion and I find comfort in the words of women who quite frankly defended what they found just under much harsher circumstances than mine. Queen Elizabeth was trying to be dethroned by assassination but defended what she felt was just and if history books are correct defeated a Spanish Armada, which could have crumbled her and her empire. My favorite scene in that film, Elizabeth the Golden Age, is where she stands at the edge of the cliff much like I do at Runyon, and the winds of change pick up and blow in her favor. In the ninth hour of course. How else could it be labeled magical. ;-)
Natalie Maines defended what she felt was just with the eyes of the world on her while people crushed her cds, posted pictures of her photoshopped with Sadam Hussain and even her home town radio station stopped playing her music all based on the Media manipulating her words and delivering the world their interpretation of it. I watched in awe as it all happened and quite frankly would have loved to be a fly on a wall at the home of any of those people who turned their backs on her as she accepted grammy after grammy after grammy for the light that was born of that darkness titled, The Long Way Around. I highly recommend this documentary on her experience for inspiration. After watching I can't help but affirm what I believe, all is as it should be.
So for me worse case scenario I loose two years worth of a collaboration of work by everyone I have hired but at least I know I stood up for me and every person involved including people who invested their money and their faith in me and my prior work to make it happen. Especially all those who were unpaid including yours truly. I am defending not only our work but our unknown sacrifices grateful that the most important observer, God and the universe, are aware of them. I have moments where I cry and cry and cry while I review documents with the truth in plain text expressed by all parties involved. I don't question God as to why all this happening I simply say thank you for giving me the courage to face it and allow myself to receive it. After all I've taken road trips with the devil/negative energy/fallen angel, whatever you call it, in a foreign country where it tried to consume and persuade me into being far from what I consider myself, a lady. I've never gotten on a train ride faster and rode away from it quicker than I did on that trip through Europe. I've encountered it in the false accusations of the people who tried to take my home of ten years last month and all I had to do was provide a twenty page document that disproved all the accusations they claimed. The truth shed so much light on the situation that the light that radiated from within me was too bright for the president of the company, who had handed such accusations, to be able face me at a meeting. I never quite get why people flat out lie so instead of trying to understand the reasoning behind it I stumble my way to my preferance eventually arriving at the destination called forgiveness.
The truth sheds light in due time, God's time, and shines brighter than the sun. That is where I find comfort right now. In past experiences that seemed insurmountable yet came to pass and all I feared may happen if "lost" never did. Quite the opposite happened and the light brought with it gifts born of a faith so deep no one can understand it but me as the shoes that are worn to endure the path paved to walk on, detours and all, through these challenges where solely worn by me. I find solace in the words of my friends, the gifts of past detours and the strength of my spirit. I do not take credit for my spirit. I was gifted a spirit which has taught me as a human that I am through it connected to something pretty darn powerful I choose to call God. A magical source that finds a way to guide me towards the light even when the darkness is so powerful I have moments of doubt.
I am choosing to carry one because I know what is coming. That which my God compass is telling me of. A light so bright that has been making its way to me for a little over two years, a thousand years, perhaps more or all of the above. ;-) The time is coming for us to let the magic unfold. I will walk towards it and no matter what anything appears like or sounds like until it reveals itself to the world I will stumble towards forgiveness of myself and others as I know the light awaits me there. May you be able to accept the strength the spirit within you carries and embrace it allowing you the courage to carry on till light is shed on your darkness.
Thank you Neil, dad, grandpa and all my angels for giving me the strength to weather this hurricane, which produced a beautiful mess in the process. I know this will come to pass and after the hurricane the light will be shed. See you on my 35th as I trust you are behind the magic that is brewing in this vast universe and will be born that day. I already feel you there present in the gifts of the day. So in advance thank you! Thank you for guiding me into the arms of my home, which was written in the stars and made a reality here on Earth through all I have endured these past couple of years. They are simply breathtaking and definitely exceed my expectations and in this magical conspiracy I see the depth of your love for me. I am humbled by you.
Sadness, that is what is coming up for me the most right now as I follow paper trails in our defense. That is not at all what I thought I'd be doing right now but if I want to proceed with what I believe to be fair and earned I must come up with the proof of that earned fairness. That's a lot of emails. Years worth. Thank God I don't delete my sent box. I never thought I'd say those words. I am most grateful for my outbox capacity to hold over 10,000 emails. Yikes. It's not the first time this month I've had to defend my truth. Actually the second time I am following paper trails. I'd rather be outside flying paper airplanes but God is asking of me otherwise. I do believe,everything, even this is in God's plan. I would know nothing of courage, faith and strength if it wasn't. I'd be coasting along with other's beliefs of life, which I was brought up without truly learning to appreciate the art of living and all that comes with it. Without seeing the gift of the present and it is in that knowledge that I find gratitude for the current circumstance which I am not defined by but which will definitely continue to mold me.
While I may stumble towards forgiveness I currently reside, as I always do, in gratitude. Currently gratitude for the inspiration this situation has provided me with. Scroll down. I can't stop writing even if attempts to silence me where made. They actually fueled further expression of my growth in hopes to inspire you to always follow your heart, take action from a place of love and let God (whomever you believe in) handle the rest. It's really hard for me right now because all of this is taking a toll on my body who longs to be hiking or laying on a yoga mat but has been siting upright at my computer, reading, sorting, highlighting and printing for far too long with the exception of one beautiful celebration of love yesterday. ;-) One of my friend's asked is it worth it? A great question because I abide by the "do you want to be right or do you want to be happy question?" in life. I want to be happy and in this particular situation being right comes with it. They are holding hands with the light that guides them backed up by my work.
I stumble not only to towards forgiveness but to express the desire to be right. I continue learning that as woman, I believe in any field not just mine, some people still do not see us as equals but someone who can be talked down to and attacked instead of spoken to while attempting to use my words against me all because I said no to a request I found unfair in the ninth hour. Within me sadness resides along with confusion and I find comfort in the words of women who quite frankly defended what they found just under much harsher circumstances than mine. Queen Elizabeth was trying to be dethroned by assassination but defended what she felt was just and if history books are correct defeated a Spanish Armada, which could have crumbled her and her empire. My favorite scene in that film, Elizabeth the Golden Age, is where she stands at the edge of the cliff much like I do at Runyon, and the winds of change pick up and blow in her favor. In the ninth hour of course. How else could it be labeled magical. ;-)
Natalie Maines defended what she felt was just with the eyes of the world on her while people crushed her cds, posted pictures of her photoshopped with Sadam Hussain and even her home town radio station stopped playing her music all based on the Media manipulating her words and delivering the world their interpretation of it. I watched in awe as it all happened and quite frankly would have loved to be a fly on a wall at the home of any of those people who turned their backs on her as she accepted grammy after grammy after grammy for the light that was born of that darkness titled, The Long Way Around. I highly recommend this documentary on her experience for inspiration. After watching I can't help but affirm what I believe, all is as it should be.
So for me worse case scenario I loose two years worth of a collaboration of work by everyone I have hired but at least I know I stood up for me and every person involved including people who invested their money and their faith in me and my prior work to make it happen. Especially all those who were unpaid including yours truly. I am defending not only our work but our unknown sacrifices grateful that the most important observer, God and the universe, are aware of them. I have moments where I cry and cry and cry while I review documents with the truth in plain text expressed by all parties involved. I don't question God as to why all this happening I simply say thank you for giving me the courage to face it and allow myself to receive it. After all I've taken road trips with the devil/negative energy/fallen angel, whatever you call it, in a foreign country where it tried to consume and persuade me into being far from what I consider myself, a lady. I've never gotten on a train ride faster and rode away from it quicker than I did on that trip through Europe. I've encountered it in the false accusations of the people who tried to take my home of ten years last month and all I had to do was provide a twenty page document that disproved all the accusations they claimed. The truth shed so much light on the situation that the light that radiated from within me was too bright for the president of the company, who had handed such accusations, to be able face me at a meeting. I never quite get why people flat out lie so instead of trying to understand the reasoning behind it I stumble my way to my preferance eventually arriving at the destination called forgiveness.
The truth sheds light in due time, God's time, and shines brighter than the sun. That is where I find comfort right now. In past experiences that seemed insurmountable yet came to pass and all I feared may happen if "lost" never did. Quite the opposite happened and the light brought with it gifts born of a faith so deep no one can understand it but me as the shoes that are worn to endure the path paved to walk on, detours and all, through these challenges where solely worn by me. I find solace in the words of my friends, the gifts of past detours and the strength of my spirit. I do not take credit for my spirit. I was gifted a spirit which has taught me as a human that I am through it connected to something pretty darn powerful I choose to call God. A magical source that finds a way to guide me towards the light even when the darkness is so powerful I have moments of doubt.
I am choosing to carry one because I know what is coming. That which my God compass is telling me of. A light so bright that has been making its way to me for a little over two years, a thousand years, perhaps more or all of the above. ;-) The time is coming for us to let the magic unfold. I will walk towards it and no matter what anything appears like or sounds like until it reveals itself to the world I will stumble towards forgiveness of myself and others as I know the light awaits me there. May you be able to accept the strength the spirit within you carries and embrace it allowing you the courage to carry on till light is shed on your darkness.
Thank you Neil, dad, grandpa and all my angels for giving me the strength to weather this hurricane, which produced a beautiful mess in the process. I know this will come to pass and after the hurricane the light will be shed. See you on my 35th as I trust you are behind the magic that is brewing in this vast universe and will be born that day. I already feel you there present in the gifts of the day. So in advance thank you! Thank you for guiding me into the arms of my home, which was written in the stars and made a reality here on Earth through all I have endured these past couple of years. They are simply breathtaking and definitely exceed my expectations and in this magical conspiracy I see the depth of your love for me. I am humbled by you.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Growing towards the light.
Sometimes inspiration can come from the most unlikely of places and take you back in time to a moment you thought you would never overcome but like everything in life, it came to pass. My ipod played a song today that brought me back to the first time I had to stand up for myself quite aware that when I did the person on the receiving end would not like it. I did not see fit that they charge myself and the actors of my play, who weren't paid to perform, a hefty fee for a copy of our show. The person who was on my creative team presented the service of filming the performance's of the play to me but never mentioned she intended to charge everyone including me two hundred dollars a person for one copy. Wowzers!!! I could have hired someone for much less as that would have been $2,000 for all of us. It was perhaps the first time that I knew I would have to stand up and be okay with not being liked. With being labeled unfair.
The thing about indie producing is that everyone involved usually knows it's about passion not profit. To state otherwise would be well odd since people who want to profit usually go to studio owned production houses which afford you less creative control but the money you are looking to make. What I get out of being indie is the ability to be conscious of what I put out into the world and how I contribute to society! While I like you want to make money from my work as well I choose to let my heart guide me towards it by earning it through my experiences, work, and in due time. I allow what I have sown to reap in season. ;-) Even if while that season arrives I have to deal with some harsh weather I'd rather not in the moment. In due time the season reveals its value, the clouds clear, and the sun reveals itself once again proving it was always there.
Back in the season of 2006 I saw this desire to charge all of us as quite unjust to all of us and they saw it as quite unjust that we wouldn't pay a fee we didn't know about till after all our very personal stories had been captured on film for someone to keep and do as they wish. This experience taught me the importance of knowing what battles to fight. My director wants me to not wear make up as Esperanza in some scenes. Big deal. It serves the story a purpose. He wants me to make her come to life as he envisions her. I hired myself to provide that service. So time to wear the actor hat and take off the make up like I did the first day on the set of Bearing Fruit. Now he comes to me in the ninth hour and says she needs to be naked here because etc. etc. etc. Then I would say no she doesn't. We've been working on this together for over a year. You can't come at me with this and I won't do it. Now he never asked that. It would be odd as it would make no sense but my point being that I have learned which battles I must fight and when I must do it even if the price is being disliked and bad mouthed and of course which ones to let go.
This same person who tried along with her significant other to charge us for copy of our performances also gave an interview to a publication talking about her production. I won't go into lengthy details about how far from her production it was but I will say I learned a lesson the very hard way about whom to trust in this industry and began on the journey of truly not taking on any co-producers and going at it alone. I would say I've been burned more than once, like the co-producer who had necessary equipment for our performances with them and notified me they were on the way to the airport with that equipment and if I didn't drive out to get it I would not have it for our show. Huh? Ethics, morals, values and professionalism are subjective and viewed differently by all of us. Were these people wrong? To them nope and to me yes. For me it became about choices that could prevent me from ending up in situations like this again.
Have I learned? Yes. I used be so afraid of hurting people and always put their well being before mine yet on my current production someone was constantly snapping at me and being passive aggressive. I love that person and they are a dear friend who did so much for me when my dad passed but I got to point where I couldn't take them constantly arguing with me and after we shot the first weekend I let them go. To add to their behavior towards me they also failed to prep all week and contact actors for the last shoot day. Something I was left to do the day prior to our last day of filming. Does all this make them bad and me good? No. It makes us different. Some people know you have to hustle to get things done in life and some people would rather not.
I've said it before to someone and while I hope to never have to again I have learned to never say never. When you are the one who has spent almost six years of your life cold calling companies like SWA to get them to sponsor your work, investing all your money trusting it will all come back as soon as your commercials start to air only to find all three in row will not air therefore loosing residuals and money invested, all while choosing to donate profits of your work's tour to a different non-profit in each city, sacrificing being able to visit family in Mexico, quality of life and many more things all to bring your passion to fruition than you can call my work yours but till that moment happens please respect what I have earned. Nobody handed me anything yet I see people wanting to take credit either for my work or our collaborations and it breaks my heart.
I don't care how much odds are stacked against me I will move forward to fight for what I feel is right based on morals I believe in. For now and my current growth spurt I am banking on God and the universe to show up in the ninth hour and produce magic like they always do with their universal law not the one in the books we humans have produced. I believe that will happen more than ever because Neil and my dad watching are watching over me. As I see it you can cheat me and you can cheat yourself but you can't cheat God and the universe. They know the truth behind your and my interpretation of situations. I find tremendous solace in that thought and all I am facing. I have chosen to stand up once more and carry on even when it appears to others as a waste of time, as time has afforded me the knowledge that what appears is not always what is.
So as my ipod played the following song it all came rushing back.
2006 and all I endured as someone tried to call my work theirs. As everyone around us gossiped about the truth. About how many days and nights I cried about it questioning how it could be happening. I recalled singing at the top of my lungs the lines that hit me the most as I kept running into the Malibu newspaper with her interview claiming my work as hers. "You may think I'm telling lies but I just call it getting it right." I recalled how eventually as I grew towards the light, light was shed on the situation and the truth revealed itself. How years later she called apologizing and asking me if I wanted the footage from all the performances. I told her no that she could keep it. It had all come to pass and after experiencing all that came with her side of the story I no longer needed to hold on to what at one point felt so significant and eventually meant nothing in the big picture and I believe came into my life teach me what I am made of. Most of all it took me towards what I hope to always be able to afford others and myself, forgiveness. After all God and the universe did take care of me. That is the production I won my car for and experienced many beautiful things courtesy of Toyota and GLAMOUR or as I see it, God and the universe. ;-) I always find it fascinating that as a society we focus on success and the destination but not as much exposure is given to all of our journeys and all of stories, afterall there are always two sides to a story.
I learned that while people may sometimes in fear try to rush the outcome in their favor, the outcome that comes with patience and faith is far more rewarding. I know this from personal experience. I have learned the magic that comes from listening to everything inside of you that says, "No don't do anything just yet" and prompts you to move just when all the planets have aligned and the outcome will favor you and your dreams beyond your expectations! So with that thought in mind and all the experiences almost six years of indie producing have brought me I carry on. I may not always keep calm on and carry on but if I can't do that then I keep to myself until I can. No need to act out in anger. I will always abide by do as you want done to you no matter how many times I hear that I should just return what is being done to me. I don't care to become anger. I care to be love when anger approaches. I am no saint and trust me it can be hard but luckily for me if I don't listen to my gut my conscience will remind me all the time!
I will continue to take the long way around even as my ego tries to entice me otherwise. "I fought with a stranger and I met myself. I opened my mouth and I hurt myself. It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself. Guess I could of made it easier on myself but I could never follow. If you ever want to find me I can still be found taking the long way."
What I have seen the most this past week is the growth one experiences when growing towards the light. I cried for half a day on the couch while watching Elizabeth the Golden Age, then got up took a walk and gathered strength to keep calm and carry on. I prepared to take care of me and my team and I keep walking forward no matter what anyone thinks or interprets. This too shall pass and it has come into my life for a reason and I trust someday as I grow through it I will live way into that reason. Till that day comes I choose to stay present in today, the gift it is and the blessings of a little flashback courtesy of my ipod. Trusting that no one is cut and dry right or wrong that we are all entitled to our truth but most importantly trusting what I have learned the most, the light will reveal the truth right on time. Not a minute too soon. Till then I leave you with one of my biggest sources of inspiration. I think I'm battling something? Not to take from it but I don't have the eyes of the world on me, the media manipulating my words and the industry turning its back on me. Natalie Maines is such a source of inspiration. It was with great delight that I watched as she accepted all those grammys for the gift the darkness of her journey brought her. May life allow you to trust yourself and know when to stand up and stand strong in your beliefs and when to let go and let God trusting that EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS AS IT SHOULD BE! Dear God this one is for you. Until the light arrives I thank you for being the Easy Silence without silencing my voice. I hear you in the stillness of my heart.
The thing about indie producing is that everyone involved usually knows it's about passion not profit. To state otherwise would be well odd since people who want to profit usually go to studio owned production houses which afford you less creative control but the money you are looking to make. What I get out of being indie is the ability to be conscious of what I put out into the world and how I contribute to society! While I like you want to make money from my work as well I choose to let my heart guide me towards it by earning it through my experiences, work, and in due time. I allow what I have sown to reap in season. ;-) Even if while that season arrives I have to deal with some harsh weather I'd rather not in the moment. In due time the season reveals its value, the clouds clear, and the sun reveals itself once again proving it was always there.
Back in the season of 2006 I saw this desire to charge all of us as quite unjust to all of us and they saw it as quite unjust that we wouldn't pay a fee we didn't know about till after all our very personal stories had been captured on film for someone to keep and do as they wish. This experience taught me the importance of knowing what battles to fight. My director wants me to not wear make up as Esperanza in some scenes. Big deal. It serves the story a purpose. He wants me to make her come to life as he envisions her. I hired myself to provide that service. So time to wear the actor hat and take off the make up like I did the first day on the set of Bearing Fruit. Now he comes to me in the ninth hour and says she needs to be naked here because etc. etc. etc. Then I would say no she doesn't. We've been working on this together for over a year. You can't come at me with this and I won't do it. Now he never asked that. It would be odd as it would make no sense but my point being that I have learned which battles I must fight and when I must do it even if the price is being disliked and bad mouthed and of course which ones to let go.
This same person who tried along with her significant other to charge us for copy of our performances also gave an interview to a publication talking about her production. I won't go into lengthy details about how far from her production it was but I will say I learned a lesson the very hard way about whom to trust in this industry and began on the journey of truly not taking on any co-producers and going at it alone. I would say I've been burned more than once, like the co-producer who had necessary equipment for our performances with them and notified me they were on the way to the airport with that equipment and if I didn't drive out to get it I would not have it for our show. Huh? Ethics, morals, values and professionalism are subjective and viewed differently by all of us. Were these people wrong? To them nope and to me yes. For me it became about choices that could prevent me from ending up in situations like this again.
Have I learned? Yes. I used be so afraid of hurting people and always put their well being before mine yet on my current production someone was constantly snapping at me and being passive aggressive. I love that person and they are a dear friend who did so much for me when my dad passed but I got to point where I couldn't take them constantly arguing with me and after we shot the first weekend I let them go. To add to their behavior towards me they also failed to prep all week and contact actors for the last shoot day. Something I was left to do the day prior to our last day of filming. Does all this make them bad and me good? No. It makes us different. Some people know you have to hustle to get things done in life and some people would rather not.
I've said it before to someone and while I hope to never have to again I have learned to never say never. When you are the one who has spent almost six years of your life cold calling companies like SWA to get them to sponsor your work, investing all your money trusting it will all come back as soon as your commercials start to air only to find all three in row will not air therefore loosing residuals and money invested, all while choosing to donate profits of your work's tour to a different non-profit in each city, sacrificing being able to visit family in Mexico, quality of life and many more things all to bring your passion to fruition than you can call my work yours but till that moment happens please respect what I have earned. Nobody handed me anything yet I see people wanting to take credit either for my work or our collaborations and it breaks my heart.
I don't care how much odds are stacked against me I will move forward to fight for what I feel is right based on morals I believe in. For now and my current growth spurt I am banking on God and the universe to show up in the ninth hour and produce magic like they always do with their universal law not the one in the books we humans have produced. I believe that will happen more than ever because Neil and my dad watching are watching over me. As I see it you can cheat me and you can cheat yourself but you can't cheat God and the universe. They know the truth behind your and my interpretation of situations. I find tremendous solace in that thought and all I am facing. I have chosen to stand up once more and carry on even when it appears to others as a waste of time, as time has afforded me the knowledge that what appears is not always what is.
So as my ipod played the following song it all came rushing back.
2006 and all I endured as someone tried to call my work theirs. As everyone around us gossiped about the truth. About how many days and nights I cried about it questioning how it could be happening. I recalled singing at the top of my lungs the lines that hit me the most as I kept running into the Malibu newspaper with her interview claiming my work as hers. "You may think I'm telling lies but I just call it getting it right." I recalled how eventually as I grew towards the light, light was shed on the situation and the truth revealed itself. How years later she called apologizing and asking me if I wanted the footage from all the performances. I told her no that she could keep it. It had all come to pass and after experiencing all that came with her side of the story I no longer needed to hold on to what at one point felt so significant and eventually meant nothing in the big picture and I believe came into my life teach me what I am made of. Most of all it took me towards what I hope to always be able to afford others and myself, forgiveness. After all God and the universe did take care of me. That is the production I won my car for and experienced many beautiful things courtesy of Toyota and GLAMOUR or as I see it, God and the universe. ;-) I always find it fascinating that as a society we focus on success and the destination but not as much exposure is given to all of our journeys and all of stories, afterall there are always two sides to a story.
I learned that while people may sometimes in fear try to rush the outcome in their favor, the outcome that comes with patience and faith is far more rewarding. I know this from personal experience. I have learned the magic that comes from listening to everything inside of you that says, "No don't do anything just yet" and prompts you to move just when all the planets have aligned and the outcome will favor you and your dreams beyond your expectations! So with that thought in mind and all the experiences almost six years of indie producing have brought me I carry on. I may not always keep calm on and carry on but if I can't do that then I keep to myself until I can. No need to act out in anger. I will always abide by do as you want done to you no matter how many times I hear that I should just return what is being done to me. I don't care to become anger. I care to be love when anger approaches. I am no saint and trust me it can be hard but luckily for me if I don't listen to my gut my conscience will remind me all the time!
I will continue to take the long way around even as my ego tries to entice me otherwise. "I fought with a stranger and I met myself. I opened my mouth and I hurt myself. It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself. Guess I could of made it easier on myself but I could never follow. If you ever want to find me I can still be found taking the long way."
What I have seen the most this past week is the growth one experiences when growing towards the light. I cried for half a day on the couch while watching Elizabeth the Golden Age, then got up took a walk and gathered strength to keep calm and carry on. I prepared to take care of me and my team and I keep walking forward no matter what anyone thinks or interprets. This too shall pass and it has come into my life for a reason and I trust someday as I grow through it I will live way into that reason. Till that day comes I choose to stay present in today, the gift it is and the blessings of a little flashback courtesy of my ipod. Trusting that no one is cut and dry right or wrong that we are all entitled to our truth but most importantly trusting what I have learned the most, the light will reveal the truth right on time. Not a minute too soon. Till then I leave you with one of my biggest sources of inspiration. I think I'm battling something? Not to take from it but I don't have the eyes of the world on me, the media manipulating my words and the industry turning its back on me. Natalie Maines is such a source of inspiration. It was with great delight that I watched as she accepted all those grammys for the gift the darkness of her journey brought her. May life allow you to trust yourself and know when to stand up and stand strong in your beliefs and when to let go and let God trusting that EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS AS IT SHOULD BE! Dear God this one is for you. Until the light arrives I thank you for being the Easy Silence without silencing my voice. I hear you in the stillness of my heart.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Giving her the gift of fighting her own battles.
Three years ago this month God and the universe let their plans of crossing my paths with one very lovely eleven year old finally unfold before my eyes after close to a year of waiting for a match. She had just applied the week before to be a little sister. I had longed for children of my own for as long as I can recall and while that universal conspiracy had not manifested itself yet, then or now, I did what felt right to my heart at the time and decided to mentor a child through Big Brother Big Sister. These children usually come from a one parent household. Something I could identify with. I've always been told how special what I do is and I am quick to let people know that what they believe I do for her she has also done for me. I believe we crossed paths when both of us needed it most and when we could be healers for eachother as love, in my humble opinion, is more grand when it's two way street in this particular situation.
She has been one of my greatest teachers in these three years, which have flown by! I have seen her go from being a Taylor Swift loving eleven year old to a Katy Perry imitating fourteen year old, colored hair and all. I have such beautiful memories of all the fun we've lived. From Disneyland on her birthday to visting Santa to spending our Saturday nights doing this and no I am not ashamed! ;-) Quite the opposite! I am grateful I have someone who I can completely be myself with! It was afterall my idea.
One of my most treasured memories is one which showcases the capacity of the human heart and its ability to love even after all she has faced at such a young age. While riding in the car through Hollywood back in the day when Taylor Swift was allowed to be heard through the speakers I began to cry as White Horse came on. When she questioned my tears I told of her of a recent love lost who had found his way into a union which was with someone else although I thought it'd be me. I honestly and openly explained to her all that came with it. When we got out of the car she came over looked me in the eyes and said someone needs a hug as she held me tight. It is in moment like that when I clearly see God's plan for this fatherless child and her motherless little sister. It's in knowing that we have eachother's back that I find great comfort to endure all we both have. She was able to hold my hand as I dealt with the passing of Neil and three months later my father and recently I held her hand through a very dark period. A moment where sadly she questioned where home was for her.
It is in moments like that when I come to understand that the hardest job in the world is indeed the one that doesn't pay, requires work around the clock, and the ability to trust and let go constantly! It is the one that teaches you how to be brave in the depth of uncertainity of what the future holds for someone you care for deeply. Someone you helped create and bring into existence. However these past three years have taught me that I did not need to be present at her arrival on planet Earth to know to the love of a parent for a child. If I can love this much I often wonder how I will be with my own children. I am grateful to have had the gift of a run through! To my mother, all single parents and all parents I commend you for choosing to guide a life in this existence and hopefully learning when to let go, even if it's a struggle like it is for me.
The current journey consists of me having to let go and giving her the gift of fighting her own battles. Trusting that like me she is being guided by that same unseen force I choose to call God and its angels I choose to call the magic of the universe. I have to trust that despite all she has lived at such a young age she will make her way to them. To being able to trust in the unseen, which loves her and wants what is best for her. That she will make her way back to love. Back home no matter how much she questions the existence of such a place.
Part of what helps us both grow is that we see the world so differently! How different our questions are and how in that we can help eachother grow. I must admit as someone who loves her deeply I secretly or not so secretly anymore hope she grows my way towards the light. Although I have complete understanding that unconditional love means I must accept her no matter what direction she grows in. I highly doubt I'll follow though as dark eyeliner and orange hair doesn't go with my complexion. ;-) Ahhhh the growing pains of a teenager. In them I have found immense grtatitude for my mom and have called more than once with an apology for all the pain I may have unknowningly caused and all the times I may have broken her heart. She reassures me it's part of being a part and while it may not be easy it just is. Thoughts of the times my angel has broken my heart surface and I realize that yes it is part of having the hardest job in the world.
Letting her go means I trust that my example through my actions and words but more importantly actions have shown her what she needs to see but that she must soldier on becoming Zoey. That she will pick what is best for her and leave the rest behind. This is where trust has to come in for me. It does eventually. After I make all the calls I can I surrender control of the outcome to God. I show up be of service to her by guiding and then I let go. Wish me luck with my own kids. I understand you so much better know mom and I gather that understanding will continue to grow.
Precious angel I come to you with gratitude for teaching me the capacity of the human heart's ability to love beyond what I already knew! For allowing me into your heart when life's experience had left you less than enthusiatic to do so. You know something beautiful girl. I believe that miles and miles away from our home planet Earth and perhaps beyond the stars God, the universe and your angel were conspiring to cross our paths! They knew exactly when we both would need it most and there we found ourselves at the headquarters office beginning a bond nothing can break. I know life on life's terms has you questioning where home is. I can't tell you where you should find it but I can promise you it's where your heart is. You are in mine always and I can only hope you carry me in yours. You are always welcome home! I love you, JUST AS YOU ARE! Thank you for affording me the same!
When you are ready the universe will conspire and cross your path with his. I promise. The details are in the fabric of your life being woven by God and the universe.
She has been one of my greatest teachers in these three years, which have flown by! I have seen her go from being a Taylor Swift loving eleven year old to a Katy Perry imitating fourteen year old, colored hair and all. I have such beautiful memories of all the fun we've lived. From Disneyland on her birthday to visting Santa to spending our Saturday nights doing this and no I am not ashamed! ;-) Quite the opposite! I am grateful I have someone who I can completely be myself with! It was afterall my idea.
One of my most treasured memories is one which showcases the capacity of the human heart and its ability to love even after all she has faced at such a young age. While riding in the car through Hollywood back in the day when Taylor Swift was allowed to be heard through the speakers I began to cry as White Horse came on. When she questioned my tears I told of her of a recent love lost who had found his way into a union which was with someone else although I thought it'd be me. I honestly and openly explained to her all that came with it. When we got out of the car she came over looked me in the eyes and said someone needs a hug as she held me tight. It is in moment like that when I clearly see God's plan for this fatherless child and her motherless little sister. It's in knowing that we have eachother's back that I find great comfort to endure all we both have. She was able to hold my hand as I dealt with the passing of Neil and three months later my father and recently I held her hand through a very dark period. A moment where sadly she questioned where home was for her.
It is in moments like that when I come to understand that the hardest job in the world is indeed the one that doesn't pay, requires work around the clock, and the ability to trust and let go constantly! It is the one that teaches you how to be brave in the depth of uncertainity of what the future holds for someone you care for deeply. Someone you helped create and bring into existence. However these past three years have taught me that I did not need to be present at her arrival on planet Earth to know to the love of a parent for a child. If I can love this much I often wonder how I will be with my own children. I am grateful to have had the gift of a run through! To my mother, all single parents and all parents I commend you for choosing to guide a life in this existence and hopefully learning when to let go, even if it's a struggle like it is for me.
The current journey consists of me having to let go and giving her the gift of fighting her own battles. Trusting that like me she is being guided by that same unseen force I choose to call God and its angels I choose to call the magic of the universe. I have to trust that despite all she has lived at such a young age she will make her way to them. To being able to trust in the unseen, which loves her and wants what is best for her. That she will make her way back to love. Back home no matter how much she questions the existence of such a place.
Part of what helps us both grow is that we see the world so differently! How different our questions are and how in that we can help eachother grow. I must admit as someone who loves her deeply I secretly or not so secretly anymore hope she grows my way towards the light. Although I have complete understanding that unconditional love means I must accept her no matter what direction she grows in. I highly doubt I'll follow though as dark eyeliner and orange hair doesn't go with my complexion. ;-) Ahhhh the growing pains of a teenager. In them I have found immense grtatitude for my mom and have called more than once with an apology for all the pain I may have unknowningly caused and all the times I may have broken her heart. She reassures me it's part of being a part and while it may not be easy it just is. Thoughts of the times my angel has broken my heart surface and I realize that yes it is part of having the hardest job in the world.
Letting her go means I trust that my example through my actions and words but more importantly actions have shown her what she needs to see but that she must soldier on becoming Zoey. That she will pick what is best for her and leave the rest behind. This is where trust has to come in for me. It does eventually. After I make all the calls I can I surrender control of the outcome to God. I show up be of service to her by guiding and then I let go. Wish me luck with my own kids. I understand you so much better know mom and I gather that understanding will continue to grow.
Precious angel I come to you with gratitude for teaching me the capacity of the human heart's ability to love beyond what I already knew! For allowing me into your heart when life's experience had left you less than enthusiatic to do so. You know something beautiful girl. I believe that miles and miles away from our home planet Earth and perhaps beyond the stars God, the universe and your angel were conspiring to cross our paths! They knew exactly when we both would need it most and there we found ourselves at the headquarters office beginning a bond nothing can break. I know life on life's terms has you questioning where home is. I can't tell you where you should find it but I can promise you it's where your heart is. You are in mine always and I can only hope you carry me in yours. You are always welcome home! I love you, JUST AS YOU ARE! Thank you for affording me the same!
When you are ready the universe will conspire and cross your path with his. I promise. The details are in the fabric of your life being woven by God and the universe.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Falling into the arms of love.
Just for today I want to run away from it all. Neil's death, my father's death, almost loosing my home twice in the past year, my angel girl being hospitalized and every thing that I had not planned on. Everything that was not my vision but became my reality. I want to just run home and have my mother hold me in her arms and tell me everything is and will be okay. I can't do that because my mom is the kind of mom who loves so much and gives so much that she fears for all of her seven children so much. She doesn't take too well to me being detoured and just wants an absolutely smooth ride for me with no bumps in the road. I presume the day I hold my first born in my arms and look into his/her eyes I will understand the depth of her love. I can't even tell her what I am currently growing through because I know it will break her heart.
My ego has come under attack. I've been informed that who I am here on my blog and in the world's eyes as exposed through my work is not who I am. Perception. It's such a beautiful yet tricky thing. Yet I welcome it and understand that people will always see the world as they are not as it is. To some I may be a saint and to some, especially when I take care of myself and do what feels right to me not what is overall right, I am far from a saint. Perhaps my ability to stand firmly in my beliefs even when everything I stand for and voice is under attack comes from that same mother who loves too much. If it's possible to love too much. The one who raised seven kids on her own. Who fought when she needed to fight and who lost and learned and loved and grew. I am my mother's daughter after all.
So as I lay on my couch contemplating the third "attack" from a third source in a month it is within I choose to go. I must seek the answers within. I must yet again be still and trust what feels right to me. I smile recalling the words my friend AJ quoted when I was kicked out of book club, "Well behaved woman rarely make history." ;-) I will not always be liked especially when I don't see things as others see them. I understand. As sad as I am today I've learned that it is okay to not be liked even if it hurts. I am human after all. Not being liked will not keep me from standing firmly in my beliefs even if those beliefs are accused of being false. Again perception. We are all entitled to it. As much as I am entitled to speak of what I believe people are entitled to accuse me of being the opposite of my beliefs.
I wish I could agree with them but all that would do is temporarily put a band aid on a cut which needs to heal. I need to heal. They need to heal and eventually we can agree to disagree. I will continue to do so from a place of love even if I am accused otherwise. I understand what hurt and disappointment can cause all of us to see. All I stand for was summed up in my calendar's daily quote, "True prayer is not asking God for love, it is learning to love and to include all mankind in one affection." MB Eddy. I will continue to be love in all my actions while taking care of myself. I have said it before and I will say again, being love does not mean I am a doormat and offering expression of things without limits does not mean you go before me and I will go last and endure pain for your happiness. My twenties are over! Thank God. ;-) But interpretation of my beliefs is all yours and I am okay with that because I have fallen into arms of love.
My friends who never seize to amaze me! They don't always agree with me which is in fact very healthy. Some of them have disagreed with me so much we take breaks from eachother to heal our feelings and come back to eachother from a place of love. Life's too short for anything else! So today they answered the call of my wounded heart. Paul let me cry in his ear. Eric let me vent in his ear and Danielle let me joke with her about the lips of another touching the lips of the one I long to kiss adding salt to my current wound. Somethings I don't need to see. ;-) I like to think that in the midst of it all I smile at life because it is always smiling at me. Bev answered the phone to hear me say "I did not envision this unfolding this way. I have become her in more ways than I intended to! Now all that is missing is the light making its way into my life and not rescuing me but holding my hand through all this growth. After all in it is written in the pages of her life and mine." Synchronicity or life imitating art. Cue the music, set the lighting, the mood and in he comes. Okay my life is not a movie. ;-)
So in my reality I am faced with the choice to continue to be me and hold high regard for all I have lived which has made me the woman I am today. To continue to love me when others loath me. To not be silenced by the fears of what other's may interpret or choose to believe. To continue to trust in my idea of God and the universe. To know that like always I am being guided by them and even this is part of the plan to hopefully make all of us involved better people and better able to take care of ourselves and our beliefs even if they oppose eachother. In opposition I have found out exactly who I am and what I stand for. May you do the same. May you voice your beliefs and allow others to voice theirs. May you continue to stand firmly in them even when you are disliked for them! Above all like one of the most inspiring women whose life story I have seen a million times, may you TRUST YOURSELF, YOUR UNDERSTANDING OF GOD, AND YOUR IDEA OF WHAT IS RIGHT. Like me may you also learn that it is okay to sit with the sadness of one incredibly tough year trusting that the sun whether it can be seen or not is always there. God I know you are with me. Let's carry on! "When the storm breaks some are dumb with terror and some spread their wings and soar!" Time to soar yet again. Dearest FEAR, thank you for encouraging me to use my voice and for making me the woman I am today! See you on the battlfield. At this point you should recognize me. I am the one armed with love and as always sending you love! <3 Interpret that as you wish as I trust you will.
My ego has come under attack. I've been informed that who I am here on my blog and in the world's eyes as exposed through my work is not who I am. Perception. It's such a beautiful yet tricky thing. Yet I welcome it and understand that people will always see the world as they are not as it is. To some I may be a saint and to some, especially when I take care of myself and do what feels right to me not what is overall right, I am far from a saint. Perhaps my ability to stand firmly in my beliefs even when everything I stand for and voice is under attack comes from that same mother who loves too much. If it's possible to love too much. The one who raised seven kids on her own. Who fought when she needed to fight and who lost and learned and loved and grew. I am my mother's daughter after all.
So as I lay on my couch contemplating the third "attack" from a third source in a month it is within I choose to go. I must seek the answers within. I must yet again be still and trust what feels right to me. I smile recalling the words my friend AJ quoted when I was kicked out of book club, "Well behaved woman rarely make history." ;-) I will not always be liked especially when I don't see things as others see them. I understand. As sad as I am today I've learned that it is okay to not be liked even if it hurts. I am human after all. Not being liked will not keep me from standing firmly in my beliefs even if those beliefs are accused of being false. Again perception. We are all entitled to it. As much as I am entitled to speak of what I believe people are entitled to accuse me of being the opposite of my beliefs.
I wish I could agree with them but all that would do is temporarily put a band aid on a cut which needs to heal. I need to heal. They need to heal and eventually we can agree to disagree. I will continue to do so from a place of love even if I am accused otherwise. I understand what hurt and disappointment can cause all of us to see. All I stand for was summed up in my calendar's daily quote, "True prayer is not asking God for love, it is learning to love and to include all mankind in one affection." MB Eddy. I will continue to be love in all my actions while taking care of myself. I have said it before and I will say again, being love does not mean I am a doormat and offering expression of things without limits does not mean you go before me and I will go last and endure pain for your happiness. My twenties are over! Thank God. ;-) But interpretation of my beliefs is all yours and I am okay with that because I have fallen into arms of love.
My friends who never seize to amaze me! They don't always agree with me which is in fact very healthy. Some of them have disagreed with me so much we take breaks from eachother to heal our feelings and come back to eachother from a place of love. Life's too short for anything else! So today they answered the call of my wounded heart. Paul let me cry in his ear. Eric let me vent in his ear and Danielle let me joke with her about the lips of another touching the lips of the one I long to kiss adding salt to my current wound. Somethings I don't need to see. ;-) I like to think that in the midst of it all I smile at life because it is always smiling at me. Bev answered the phone to hear me say "I did not envision this unfolding this way. I have become her in more ways than I intended to! Now all that is missing is the light making its way into my life and not rescuing me but holding my hand through all this growth. After all in it is written in the pages of her life and mine." Synchronicity or life imitating art. Cue the music, set the lighting, the mood and in he comes. Okay my life is not a movie. ;-)
So in my reality I am faced with the choice to continue to be me and hold high regard for all I have lived which has made me the woman I am today. To continue to love me when others loath me. To not be silenced by the fears of what other's may interpret or choose to believe. To continue to trust in my idea of God and the universe. To know that like always I am being guided by them and even this is part of the plan to hopefully make all of us involved better people and better able to take care of ourselves and our beliefs even if they oppose eachother. In opposition I have found out exactly who I am and what I stand for. May you do the same. May you voice your beliefs and allow others to voice theirs. May you continue to stand firmly in them even when you are disliked for them! Above all like one of the most inspiring women whose life story I have seen a million times, may you TRUST YOURSELF, YOUR UNDERSTANDING OF GOD, AND YOUR IDEA OF WHAT IS RIGHT. Like me may you also learn that it is okay to sit with the sadness of one incredibly tough year trusting that the sun whether it can be seen or not is always there. God I know you are with me. Let's carry on! "When the storm breaks some are dumb with terror and some spread their wings and soar!" Time to soar yet again. Dearest FEAR, thank you for encouraging me to use my voice and for making me the woman I am today! See you on the battlfield. At this point you should recognize me. I am the one armed with love and as always sending you love! <3 Interpret that as you wish as I trust you will.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Affirming my way to a miracle.
The time is here yet again. The time when God and the universe test my faith by asking me to be still and do nothing. For me this is the hardest part of my journey. It seems that when I work, work, work I have an illusion of control and yes while I may be able to control the task at hand within reach it's truly the big picture that is out of my control. As you have read I tend to know where I am headed because I follow signs. A skill I have developed by tuning into my intuition and listening to it as best as I can. Somedays, happy to report very rare days, my intuition can be silenced by rumblings of the committee, i.e. all the voices of negativity spoken to me by others through out the years compiled into one big loud obnoxious voice. It tends to make itself present in moments of silence when I have done all I can and the only thing left to do is as my favorite philosopher suggested, "Adopt the pace of nature. Her secret is patience." RW Emerson.
So here I am patiently awaiting my destiny. Knowing that I have done all I can to arrive at the destination I had hoped for while trusting that wherever it is I am being detoured to is going to be much better than I envisioned. If I was to judge this by sight and not faith I would say odds were stacked against me but anyone who knows me knows I don't believe in what I see I believe in what my hearts speaks of to me in this silence I am currently being asked to be present in. I awoke wanting to take control by doing just one more thing to help things land in the palm of my hand. I said "You know God just one more push to know I tried everything." Then I laughed at myself and God laughed with me because we both knew it wasn't one more push to know I did everything I could, it was one more push to control what is currently not in my hands, the outcome of over two years of insanely hard dedicated work.
So when the committee appeared assuring me of all that could go wrong I made a decision in that moment to affirm my way to a miracle. I know I've co-produced them with God many a times but this one folks, this one is going to have to be HUGE. Further more reason to partner with God instead of those whose choices based and made out of fear led them to believe they could control what they can't. Among those things, me. I'm sad. I am. I am never afraid of expressing emotion because for me that is the only way to make it thru it instead of going around it pretending nothing is wrong and then having it get me later when I least expect it. I am facing my sadness now. I am accepting that we are all on different journeys and that sometimes people I care for whom I've worked hard with will choose to walk with fear instead of love. Something I can do nothing about. All I can do is continue to be me and do what feels right to me.
So here I am doing what my heart and gut ask of me today. Nothing. I've done all I can for over TWO years. I've followed every sign I could since our paths crossed and it was a story in an imagination. I guided it into being put on paper and honed it along with many talented people into what it is today. I took several trips to Austin. Took several meetings in Los Angeles and Austin, secured locations in both cities, and the list is endless. Most importantly is knowing that God and the universe know of all my efforts and nothing else needs to be proven to anyone. Magic comes from the unseen by others things we do everyday. Amazing people chose to work free of charge on this with me from casting to directing all in hopes of bringing something magical to fruition and just as the ninth hour approaches I was asked to share control and all my work not to my idea of God but to another human. I couldn't. Maybe in the process I've shot myself in the foot but I can't do that which goes against every word I have worked so hard to become. I don't speak of what I hope to become someday and have my actions oppose those words. I speak of what I am and therefore I become it.
I am a woman in love with life and EVERY detour God has presented before me, which has allowed my faith in this magical unexplainable, unseen force to grow. I have no proof other than my life, existence and all the magic I have been blessed to LIVE which was born of this faith. Yet to me that is so much PROOF of this unseen force being my guide. I don't have a problem sharing control when it happens organically but when it is being requested of me and the force behind it is fear there is no way I can do it. I can't affirm my way to a miracle by allowing fear to befriend me, holding its hand and allowing it to take all of us working on this into the destruction that comes from our time not God's time. That is what I feel happens when I don't surrender control to God and instead hold fear's hand down a path of my time where the magic isn't present. I won't do it! I simply can not do it especially when fear attacked me and my work in the process to get its way further pushing me away. When are you going to get it? You can't control me silly, ultimately you make me stronger so wait I should thank you for making an appearance yet again.
I will choose what I am being asked to do right now, be still, simply because this has become my way of life. I expect NO ONE to understand it or embrace it but I also will allow NO ONE to get in the way of my miracle. I will detach with love. I will go on with love and I will send love to anyone who tries to dispell the magic of my journey. I am not here to do as I am asked by others living in fear. I am here to do what is asked of me grounded in LOVE. While my sadness is based on fear embodying someone I care for and allowing them to treat me disrespectfully I will still come from love because I have seen its face. It's astounding the face of love, the grace of God. It's there wanting to be seen by you and me. It's as powerful as the face of fear yet a lot more rewarding. I've been affirming miracles in many areas of my life as my thirty-fifth year on planet Earth approaches and I can SENSE the gifts bestowed on that day, prior to and after will be born of this affirmation, I AM WORTHY! SO ARE YOU! May you allow the face of love to guide you in this sometimes inexplicable yet insanely beautiful gift called the PRESENT!
"In silence I feared my heart would remain words unheard." I have been proven wrong and I am grateful! I found the light and it found me. We are loved.
So here I am patiently awaiting my destiny. Knowing that I have done all I can to arrive at the destination I had hoped for while trusting that wherever it is I am being detoured to is going to be much better than I envisioned. If I was to judge this by sight and not faith I would say odds were stacked against me but anyone who knows me knows I don't believe in what I see I believe in what my hearts speaks of to me in this silence I am currently being asked to be present in. I awoke wanting to take control by doing just one more thing to help things land in the palm of my hand. I said "You know God just one more push to know I tried everything." Then I laughed at myself and God laughed with me because we both knew it wasn't one more push to know I did everything I could, it was one more push to control what is currently not in my hands, the outcome of over two years of insanely hard dedicated work.
So when the committee appeared assuring me of all that could go wrong I made a decision in that moment to affirm my way to a miracle. I know I've co-produced them with God many a times but this one folks, this one is going to have to be HUGE. Further more reason to partner with God instead of those whose choices based and made out of fear led them to believe they could control what they can't. Among those things, me. I'm sad. I am. I am never afraid of expressing emotion because for me that is the only way to make it thru it instead of going around it pretending nothing is wrong and then having it get me later when I least expect it. I am facing my sadness now. I am accepting that we are all on different journeys and that sometimes people I care for whom I've worked hard with will choose to walk with fear instead of love. Something I can do nothing about. All I can do is continue to be me and do what feels right to me.
So here I am doing what my heart and gut ask of me today. Nothing. I've done all I can for over TWO years. I've followed every sign I could since our paths crossed and it was a story in an imagination. I guided it into being put on paper and honed it along with many talented people into what it is today. I took several trips to Austin. Took several meetings in Los Angeles and Austin, secured locations in both cities, and the list is endless. Most importantly is knowing that God and the universe know of all my efforts and nothing else needs to be proven to anyone. Magic comes from the unseen by others things we do everyday. Amazing people chose to work free of charge on this with me from casting to directing all in hopes of bringing something magical to fruition and just as the ninth hour approaches I was asked to share control and all my work not to my idea of God but to another human. I couldn't. Maybe in the process I've shot myself in the foot but I can't do that which goes against every word I have worked so hard to become. I don't speak of what I hope to become someday and have my actions oppose those words. I speak of what I am and therefore I become it.
I am a woman in love with life and EVERY detour God has presented before me, which has allowed my faith in this magical unexplainable, unseen force to grow. I have no proof other than my life, existence and all the magic I have been blessed to LIVE which was born of this faith. Yet to me that is so much PROOF of this unseen force being my guide. I don't have a problem sharing control when it happens organically but when it is being requested of me and the force behind it is fear there is no way I can do it. I can't affirm my way to a miracle by allowing fear to befriend me, holding its hand and allowing it to take all of us working on this into the destruction that comes from our time not God's time. That is what I feel happens when I don't surrender control to God and instead hold fear's hand down a path of my time where the magic isn't present. I won't do it! I simply can not do it especially when fear attacked me and my work in the process to get its way further pushing me away. When are you going to get it? You can't control me silly, ultimately you make me stronger so wait I should thank you for making an appearance yet again.
I will choose what I am being asked to do right now, be still, simply because this has become my way of life. I expect NO ONE to understand it or embrace it but I also will allow NO ONE to get in the way of my miracle. I will detach with love. I will go on with love and I will send love to anyone who tries to dispell the magic of my journey. I am not here to do as I am asked by others living in fear. I am here to do what is asked of me grounded in LOVE. While my sadness is based on fear embodying someone I care for and allowing them to treat me disrespectfully I will still come from love because I have seen its face. It's astounding the face of love, the grace of God. It's there wanting to be seen by you and me. It's as powerful as the face of fear yet a lot more rewarding. I've been affirming miracles in many areas of my life as my thirty-fifth year on planet Earth approaches and I can SENSE the gifts bestowed on that day, prior to and after will be born of this affirmation, I AM WORTHY! SO ARE YOU! May you allow the face of love to guide you in this sometimes inexplicable yet insanely beautiful gift called the PRESENT!
"In silence I feared my heart would remain words unheard." I have been proven wrong and I am grateful! I found the light and it found me. We are loved.
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