Spreading my wings and learning to fly again.

Today is a very special day. Exactly one year ago today I was standing on the red carpet in Rome for the first time in my life for a production I had created based on my favorite author’s work. It was definitely one of the most surreal yet beautiful moments in my life. I remember like it was yesterday looking up at the night sky and smiling at God thinking to myself “you did it again”. As I see it God guides me by sending me signs through the universe and they lead to amazing experiences, which can only be achieved by chartering the waters of the unknown. The most commonly asked questions when I am doing any project is “Where did you get the money?” or “How do you know what you are doing?” I don’t want to frighten anyone but the truth is if I had the answers to any of those questions I’d have to know God’s plan and I don’t.

People tend to think I am overprotective refusing to talk about what I am working on which is true to a certain extent but the whole truth is I don’t know how I am doing it I just am, the money will come for one of the investors the universe via God’s guidance will guide me to, and no I don’t know what I am doing because I didn’t go to film school so I just have to learn as I go. There you have it. So if you happen to be one of the people who constantly bombards me with questions wanting to know how etc., I will let you in on my secret, I follow the signs. ;-) If you read my blogs you know what that means but if you don’t I have lost you so let me explain.

A few years ago, almost five actually, I decided to stop listening to the chatter of all the voices in my head, which were compiled from everyone I had ever encountered. For whatever reason mostly everyone’s fears of what you can’t accomplish in life. So I opened up Adriana Garza Productions, my indie production company, with no set plans other than what was before me at the time, a play titled “The Art of Being”. From there I won an award for being the woman behind the play and when all that came to an end including the tour of the play in 07’ I knew the journey had come with a HUGE lesson, “follow your heart and the rest will follow”. So when my ex questioned what I would do next and I would tell him I was waiting for a sign and it became too much for him it actually was because he was the sign! His constant pressure to try and make me someone else caused us to fall apart and in the falling apart he left my life and I lived my way into the what next, which led me to Austin with a novel in hand titled The Witch of Portobello. God was using him to let me know in a not so easy or great way that the best love is self-love and that self-love leads to following your heart. Every journey comes with a price but the highest price I could ever pay is disrespecting myself or changing my beliefs to please someone else.

So I would go on to adapt that novel, enter the author’s International Film Competition and end up on the red carpet in Rome walking with him exactly a year ago today and a year and a half after breaking up with my ex. That is why I was smiling at God. In utter and complete gratitude for giving me the courage to follow the signs and honor my calling. Anyone who knows me knows I long for love and to be able to create my own family. I tell you this because I feel like reading this can sometimes make my choices sound easy but they aren’t. Leaving my ex meant leaving my dream of a family behind but it also meant continuing to grow in faith because it is only when my life comes undone of how I imagined it that I allow God and the universe to come in and bring magical miracles to life. Like you I get lonely and sad about not having a family of my own yet but I think I would definitely be more sad if I had created one with my ex because our reality was that we were too different. It would have been like MTV marrying PBS. ;-)

So here I am today back in the place I escaped to when my ex decided to tell me that all he had loved about me when we began dating was everything that scared him about me, Austin. It is my last day here and I am sitting at one of my favorite places, Walton’s downtown, typing away while enjoying my morning coffee. I am taking in all that I have lived these past ten days. A lot is about to happen in the coming months and that is what brought me here. Yet again I followed the signs and they led me home to Austin. For those of you who don’t know I was born and raised in Texas. Always have been a Texas girl at heart so I have never really been able to adapt to the superficiality of LA, as things are quite simple here in Texas. ;-)

Like I mentioned earlier it is a year to the day that I was in Rome at my film’s premiere and it is also freedom day! Someday a blog will explain Freedom day but it’s just not quite time yet. ;-) It is time to move forward beyond a difficult year. One of the most difficult years of my life, which was so mixed with beauty and messes that I can’t help but call it a beautiful mess. To me life happens on its terms and some of those terms, like a friend being taken in what I consider to be too soon, will never hold logic and others will bring answers with them in time like October 20, 2010 does for me. The day I blog about it all candidly some of you may question how I can stand or even be able to move forward which brings me to today.

Today I am ready to spread my wings and fly again, which can only happen because I walk by faith not by sight. Trust me if I walked by sight I wouldn't move. I am not plan person, I am a dreamer so what I plan is to continue to dream carrying with me they only baggage necessary as my dreams take flight, a suitcase full of faith. I do not know what each day will bring but what I do know is what I dream it will bring to life when I am ready. If life has taught me anything in the last five years is that if you truly do want to make God laugh make a plan of exactly how you see your life and try to make it happen ONLY THAT WAY. The other lesson has been that if you truly want to make God smile dream of how you see your life, work hard to make it your reality, let go of control, surrender to the circumstances, cry your way through disappointments, get back up when you are ready, be open to the ENDLESS possibilities exceeding the reality you dreamt of for yourself, realize that the END of something means life wants to take you in an ENTIRELY NEW DIRECTION if you allow it to, never let go of faith no matter how hard it gets, and soon before you know it you will fly again just on time and just when you thought you couldn’t anymore. Life has shown me that like a season changing or a butterfly emerging from its cocoon I too had to be taken through some strong winds, fires, etc. to prepare me for my destiny.

In the past five years I’ve had my heart broken by lovers, broken hearts, lost dreams, dreamt up new ones, lost friends, gained new ones, was on the brink of losing hope only to be reminded by my faith that hope is never gone as long as I can accept that a lot is out of my control, angered family members and been angry at some, I’ve been caught by the arms of my friends and been fortunate enough to be able to catch some of them as they fall, seen someone I admire deeply transition into the new world, after life, hereafter or whatever comes next and fell so deeply into the darkness of it that the arms of fear caught me but I was quickly picked up by the hand of God and taken back into the arms of faith. While I move forward through my beautiful mess I know one thing is certain you will want to stay tuned because its about to get good, real good and I have NO DOUBT Neil is now guiding me along with my grandpa and others and that means it can only exceed my dreams yet again.

A lot lies in the unknown for me today but the reality is a lot lies in the unknown for all of us everyday. You see no one of us really know if we will make it through the day today but we have faith we will. You may not be aware of it but you’re living in faith just by waking up today and I hope that the awareness of that allows you to LIVE. I have faith that you will find your wings once again through this beautiful mess called life like I have. When you are ready to fly again I hope that like me you fly to the rhythm of the song only you can hear, the one in your heart that God along with your guardian angels provides. Like me I hope you do yourself the honor of honoring your individuality and in the process allow all of us to be gifted with that which only you can bring to life as there is only one you. I have faith that you can do it your way! I have and as life keeps coming at me with lessons of how PRECIOUS each day is I will continue to fly as high as each day allows me to. I am a butterfly just emerging from its cocoon after my metamorphisis and once again I am spreading my wings and I AM READY TO FLY!


Quote of the day calendar October 20,2010 (SINCHRONICITY!)
"If a life can have a theme song, and I believe that every worthwhile one has, mine is best expressed in one word: individualism." Ayn Rand

A question of faith.

I've always considered myself a pretty emotional person. One thing I am not is detached from my feelings. Since I can recall I have always easily felt pain as well as happiness. I've been called too emotional and it has been suggested that my emotions, while they serve me a purpose as an actor, may be best left for just acting as they may just be too much for life. To that I say THANK GOD I FEEL!! In the past few weeks I've realized I have more emotions that I ever thought possible. I can go from sadness to denial to outright confusion to acceptance in 60 seconds. I've been living through something all of us will face in life eventually. The loss of someone close to us. That my dear friends is all of ours destiny. In the process I've learned so many things.

I've learned that death scares some people so much they haven't been able to be my friend in the past few weeks while others have constantly checked in to make sure I am okay. Some, like Pamela, have gone as far as repeatedly asked me to join them on their outings to make sure I don't spend too much time alone and lost in the constant questioning going on these days. Eric sat with me at a cafe after the memorial to let me talk and try to make me smile. Mary Queen listens and listens and listens and has since the day I confirmed Neil's passing. Bev who knew Neil lets me cry and talk and then cry talk which I am certain she doesn't understand literally but tries too. My mom listens to me as I constantly ask her "You guys get that despite some of my words, my actions should show you I love you. My actions do show you I love you? Right? Right? I show you. Do I?" And then there's been the strangers who caught me in my building elevator and made the mistake of asking me how I was while being caught in one of my moments of deep sadness. Some have listened to me, some have asked me over for coffee, and some have called to check that I'm okay. Overall I've seen how much God shows it loves you when you live alone and feel so alone because life happened on life's terms.

In the process of living through Neil's passing I've come to understand that while I am not entirely ready to stop existing in human form I am not terrified of death. I am actually terrified of what it could do to my mom. :-( I can recall when my car spun across the ten freeway out of control as my tire popped and I hit the brakes and all I thought of was "God please help my mom understand this", believing it was not going to end well. I was twenty-two at the time. Thinking of that made me realize that I am majorly struggling to understand why someone would be taken back home at a young age and in the process come to understand that the possibilities are endless and that is why it is important to live as I believe Neil did, with PASSION. I have endless questions why now, why him, how come he didn't get to see Millie grow up, why, how, why, how,....you get the picture. Then comes the sadness followed by a moment of acceptance back to denial and anger followed by the certainty that it's a dream only to find it's not.

I was giving myself a really hard time this week for not having it together and it was then that it hit me. I won't and how can I really expect myself to as I am currently making my way through the questions. Some which may never have answers but what I have learned already is how important it is to live a life of service to others, a life where you actively pursue your dream and therefore a life that makes your dreams your reality. A life full of love, anger, sadness, happiness, bliss, gratitude and all the emotions that come with being alive in this unpredictable beautiful mess called life. Something I am grateful I am already doing.

Something or should I say someone has told me this is but a dream, my current reality and Neil's current reality, both dreams in different dimensions and I have to say it provided great comfort. Both of us living dreams in different ways. Is that the truth? Neither him nor I know. Actually he may have more info than me now. ;-) What I do know is that I want to live just as I had been before this. While this has rocked my world and made me question a lot it is because of my faith that I will make it through this and through my own transition whenever that arrives. I want unconditional LOVE that gives way to kids, I want to experience what my UNICEF commercial and my play accomplished again in different ways and I want to continue to live knowing that how I impact people's lives everyday is much more important than my job and that my belongings do not make me! That money does not define me! I want to give, I want to forgive, I want to be forgiven, I want to be angry, I want to be happy, frustrated and okay with all my emotions.

What helps me make it through these days while fear (false evidence appearing real) tries to get the best of me while my world is rocked, is my faith. I know I will not understand everything that happens in my life. I know somethings like a dear beautiful soul leaving in what I consider to be too soon I will not understand. I get that somethings will hurt immensely while some will cause great joy but most of all I know that a lot of what my journey brings is out of my control so what I need to get me through is my faith.

Faith that no matter what happens I will eventually see the beauty in life again when the time feels right. That no matter what happens I will eventually feel alive again because of my faith. Faith that this unpredictable ride I am on will take me exactly where I need to go even when some of the stops require me to fall apart because it is in that falling apart that I am able to see what a gift every second of every minute of every hour of everyday is. I may not have global answers but I am definitely living my way into mine. My future is now, as the present is the only guarantee I have. How I choose to live is coming back to me now. I will not rush because fear wants me to. I will not stop because fear wants me to. I will continue to live as I've learned to, like nature adapting its patience and knowing that while nothing is hurried in its process of seasons changing yet everything is accomplished. I will accomplish what my destiny allows me to, I will live what I believe I can, and I will question my faith during dark times with the certainty that I am never alone and while God is always with me now I feel the presence of an angel in my everyday life. "You don't have to see something to know it's there." Neil Lisk

I must soldier on, get myself to Austin and continue living because that is what he would want. I believe he wouldn't want any of us to waste time paralyzed by fear and he wouldn't want his abrupt passing to be in vain. I hope we all get that life is indeed short. I dedicate my current production to him and will work in his honor. I will keep up the good fight trusting that God and the universe accompanied by one very special angel will work with me to make this film art that touches, changes, and impacts lives for the better to help soothe some of the uncertainty brought by the unknown of everyday life. I will follow my heart, march to the beat of the song only I can hear, question myself, question life, you, everything and eventually LIVE my way into the answer. If God has a name in my book it's FAITH.