The art and yes perk of growing up a wallflower.

If you saw the art of being in its first run then you know what my childhood was like. Let's just say I did a lot of work in therapy to overcome all the name calling. And in high school I did what I could to fit in and be seen. So eventually I won a pageant, the thing to do in Texas, and quickly realized that is not the seen I longed for. Yet we grow up with everything being chosen for us and advertisers guiding us. Yes there are fabulous advertisers whose sites usually end in .gov or start with PBS but they are the ones less seen. The ones I discovered as an adult. So like the lead character in the Perks of being a wallflower I too stood on the sidelines, observed and like a sponge soaked it all in. Don't feel bad for me because it turned out to be my first acting tool, listening and observing, which led to being present. A must in my world of acting if I want the audience to feel what I feel. Throwing out lines is good for some but if I can't make you feel my sadness or joy I have not done my job. So as I grew from a wallflower into a centerflower I picked up a few things along the way. You probably already know this but the person picking on you is in a lot of pain and yes misery loves company. I read back on some of my journals and I was depressed because I didn't know then that I had a choice or a voice. I just simply wanted to fit in and yet like you I was created to stand out. In junior high I wore a tie. Or leggings with bike shorts spandex, knee high boots, a blouse and red lips. It was in 9th grade that my love of style was being born. Prior to that year I wore NKOTB shirts everyday. A different one in support of the love I felt for the fab five men from Boston who awarded me with solace. Wait you were their favorite girl too? And cover girl? Well... My bully didn't like my shirts. She made sure she would point it out to me whenever possible. As one of the main cheerleaders in our junior high I can now conclude it may have been more like perhaps she didn't like that I was born like Gumby, flexible. While I never made the cheer leading squad, too shy then and not loue enough, I was the lead reindeer in the Christmas dance performance. Lead dork reindeer to her. I've reconnected with a lot of junior high and high school friends. Mostly pleasant experiences. Ceci email telling me how happy she was for me that I got out and did what I was saying I would since junior high was a comfort that I had indeed followed my heART. Inevitably my bully showed up as "someone you may know" on facebook. It was interesting but it made my stomach churn. Memories came rushing back of her insistance of trying to make me feel unworthy. I now know at thirty-five that she felt inadequate. Projected onto me. Something we all do at one point or another, project that is not bully. ;-) I remember getting to high school and not having a single friend. Not long after I won a pageant and all of the sudden walking into building B was accessible and yet I no longer wanted to. The first day of high school Desiree, whom I've known since elementary, looked at me admitting neither one of us had friends or a car so while trying to hide the fact that we had to walk, we did. She reminded me of this the other day when we chatted at her house in Austin. She has been a huge blessing in Austin and has not only help make this new beginning transition smoother but constantly lights the path. Some people come into your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime. The season people may come to water you and help you grow. The reason people may show up and dry you out to show you just how strong your roots are regardless of lack of showers of love. The lifetime people they water you, care for you in your drought, help you strengthen your roots and stand aside and let you bask in the sunlight when the time comes. The great thing about the lifetime people is they are willing to repeat this with you over and over as the seasons change. Till your lifetime people arrive find comfort in the perks of being a wallflower. Like me you may be blessed to witness so much you will understand that self care is the way to lifetime people and that your seed will turn into a flower if you plant your roots in love. Forgetting the teasing of the t-shirts or anything else that made them feel I held individuality. After all the greatest feeling and success for me comes in blooming into a flower like no other. A rare flower never seen. A wallflower that found its way to centerstage thanks in part to the people who not only made fun of my t-shirts but the girl who tried to beat me up because she thought I liked her boyfriend, or the girl that threatened me everyday in high school at my locker or the man who called me a bitch everytime he saw me. To them I say thank you for helping me find my voice, plant my roots in safe grounds and truly know what a gift it was to not be seen by you. On that path you taught me that I had to be my own hero, bask in my own light. May you find your heroism too. BE YOUR OWN KING ON YOUR OWN TERMS! ;-)