Surrendering to the creation of life.

It is hard to believe it has been over a year since I moved to Austin. On April 30th I thought a lot about the journey I began last year on that day. How after sixteen years in LA life was clearly detouring me and asking me to follow the path of change, drastic change. I obliged for many reasons, which the signs blatantly exposed. Signs only I could decipher and comprehend. The move was easier than the change. While I embraced the change the city brought, leaving my family of sixteen years proved challenging. Add to it that while the entertainment industry is growing in Austin it is obviously no where near the market LA is and a lot changed. I struggled to find my ground with work and friends. Some family members weren't very supportive therefore they didn't make my transition as smooth as I had hoped. At some point last summer I remember thinking, if you want me to go back send me a sign and if love and children aren't in my journey this time around I'll comprehend. In some ways I felt defeated because the support system, chosen family, I had in LA was not here. The sign never came. Instead signs to stay put did and before I knew it my path crossed with a man who would change my destiny forever. As many know Travis is now my fiancé. He is my biggest supporter, cheerleader and best friend. My companion into the next lifetime so it should come as no surprise that I share everything with him. A few months back I began telling him how I could no longer run three miles, heck I could barely make it to half of one. I was also concerned with the fact that I had little energy and was falling asleep around 8pm and that was when it all started to come together. I was in pre-production for the biggest production of my life, unbeknownst to me, yet my body was trying to tell me. Shortly after we found out the AMAZING news! As I had bid farewell to two lives in the past two years, including my birth father, new life was inside of me. I couldn't believe the magical miracle that was unfolding. I was ecstatic as is Travis. I shared with few people and made my bridesmaid/friend Ginny my confidant as she had just had her baby girl in October. We spoke often, I signed up for the newsletters and secretly began the biggest journey of surrender I have ever embarked on. Something Ginny had also warned me about, surrendering. While I was tired I didn't experience other symptoms and I thought I was home free. This wasn't as hard as it seemed until my sixth week that is when true surrendering began. Ginny kept me going in the stage where the newness of it all seemed daunting. Always my cheerleader reminding me that all I the pain I was enduring meant the pregnancy was taking well to my body. The nausea kicked in as did the vomiting. It got so bad I ended up in the hospital where I was diagnosed with hypermesis, severe morning sickness, which is what Duchess Kate had as well and only one percent of pregnant women get. Therefore I've had more appointments than a normal pregnancy and began to see our baby from very early on. It is hard to put into words what I felt when I saw that flickering light, our baby's heartbeat. I've understood from day one that a miracle is unfolding inside me but to see it with my own eyes is something inexplicable. I won't lie or sugarcoat things. I've been in pain, a lot. I've cried a lot and I've spent the past six weeks alternating between the couch and bed. It has been surrendering in ways I never knew I was capable of and I've struggled. My body was no longer at my command. Where it would be, how much it could eat and when it could move was now dictated by the life inside of me. I didn't move or eat much at all and definitely didn't go many places at all in the first trimester but it was just as it was meant to be. Just as I surrendered to what was I got to see Travis be the loving man I know him to be and then some! Following me to the bathroom and holding back my hair as I threw up, making soup for me as I lay unable to move, shopping for my food, taking me to the hospital, holding me while I cried and most of all telling how much he honored what I was doing. Looking into his eyes shows me that everything I lived through to get here was just as God and the universe wanted it. I had a destiny to get to and the two year bumpy road and detours it took to get here was so worth it! I can only begin to imagine what I'll feel when I look into our baby's eyes. A part of me can't help but think Neil, my birth father, grandfather and some more angels had something to do with this perfectly timed miracle that resides in me. These days I am feeling a little better. Hopefully now you can comprehend and forgive why emails and phone calls have been un returned. I even had to stop volunteer teaching at the foster home but I'm coming around and taking it one day at a time. It's hard to put into words what I feel but I do know that nothing had been in vain, there IS always a plan and everyday I thank my lucky stars that I was gifted the faith and courage to say goodbye to the life I had so I could live my way into the life that was waiting for me. I am blessed and humbled by the magnificent new beginning God, my angels and the universe were writing and continue to write for me. A new journey in an entirely new direction begins and I am honored to add mom to my resume and surrender to the journey that is creating life! I've learned that with Patience everything is possible and a new day has come! "Where it was dark now there is light! Where there was pain now there is joy. Where there was weakness I found my strength all in the eyes of a boy. Hush now I see the LIGHT in the sky, it's almost blinding me. I can't believe I've been touched by angel with love." I used to play this song a lot when I first got to Austin. In it's lyrics I found tremendous solace and now, well now I finally made my way home and it all has become so clear! To you baby McGehee all I can say is Patience brought you to us and we can't wait to meet you!!!