It's 9:30am in Rome which would be great if I was there but I am not. I am back in the comforts of my home in Los Angeles, it's 1:30am and I am wide awake. After what it took to get here I am just glad to be here! I had to endure three flights and alot of waiting at the Rome, Madrid, and JFK airports/stops and received an unexpected test of faith en route from JFK to Los Angeles. I was exhausted and coming down from the high of all the beauty my eyes witnessed while in Rome so all I wanted was my bed...a shower and my bed. When I saw the stewardness pull back the curtain although we weren't close to landing I knew. Why you ask? Well simply because this is the second time this happens to me this year. When I went to NY in April to shoot with GLAMOUR it happened on my way back, emergency landing. After she pulled back the curtain on comes the captain letting us know there is a leak in the oil and we are loosing gas so we must stop in Denver and see where to go from there. Seriously? I was going on two days of traveling but I had to admit to myself what I know deep down inside. I am never in control of things like this and surrendering control is the only way to live through something like this.
While we descended I smiled because I thought Brian McKnight is on this flight so we can't go down and then I thought wait it would be a headline for sure. I seriously did! Then I started to take deep breathes and release all thoughts of fear. I breathed in love and breathed out fear. I thought I've lived a good blessed life and if God wants me home then I have to go home there is nothing I can do in this moment other than breathe. Sadly I also think of Zoey in these moments because I so don't want her to loose me like she lost her mom but it is in those moments that I realize I can't keep her from her journey. The twenty minutes into the Denver airport felt like an eternity and the landing wasn't very smooth due to the fact that it was snowing there but I was glad to be safe. All I kept hearing while fear tried to take over was "you will make it home safely." Then my mind questioned which one? The one in infinity and beyond or the one in LA? Talk about practicing letting Go and letting God!
I have to add that en route to Rome I endured horrible turbulence but being that one of my brothers is a pilot, he flies his own jet not commercial, I have learned that the only true danger in turbulence is in landing so I manage to mantain rather calm as we were thrown from side to side and down. Sadly the poor girl in front of me couldn't and cried for about two hours as the crew consoled her. I thought to myself it truly is amazing what the mind/fear can do and as you can see held my own battle with it on my return. I have to say to my blog ladies that not only did I picture my grandfather, whose no longer here, in the cockpit, God surrounding the plane with its love and light but also all of you whose words have meant so much to me since we've met on here, there too. Sending me your love and light just like you do in your emails. All these thoughts help me endure moments of fear and yet again I grew in faith and trust! Once more realized how precious each second is! My body is in absolute pain and a massage would be wonderful but most of all it's here, alive and ready to create even more beautiful realities! I just realized while looking at my quote of the day calendar that today I am a month shy of my 33rd birthday! You bet I will be celebrating my earned wrinkles, if I spot any, in immmense gratitude!
I was blessed on my flights to have discovered this as I listened to the on flight spa/calm sounds cd. It will forver remind me of my journey to and from Rome. All I could think of was I deserve to give and receive unconditonal love to another soul please let me live to see the day!
As I listened to her beautiful haunting voice and conversed with God tears ran down my eyes because of what my eyes were looking out at and in that very moment I knew no matter what I'd be alright. Here on earth or in God's arms I knew I'd be alright!
I can't do the Rome experience justice with words. Or UNICEF for that matter. Rome holds so much meaning because of the journey that led me there. So as I took it all in like I've said before all I could think of was how grateful I am to God and the universe for guiding me to and through this and for all the people they sent my way to test my courage or facilitate my journey. They know who they are. There will be several blogs, hence the parte uno in the title, because Rome deserves it. For now I will try to go to bed and leave you with some highlights. This picture is one of my favorites and I took over 800! I need to capture nature in my shots. I just do! So here are nature and sculptures together making for one BEAUTIFUL shot at the San Popolo Piazza steps from our apartment in Rome. It speaks for itself! Look at that sky!!!
Now here are some behind the scenes video. The first one is me with Paulo at the after party in Trastevere as well as hanging with my friends at an after after party. ;-)
This one is a behind the scenes look at the red carpet. My friend Bev shot this and her arrival was another miracle. While en route to Rome two of her planes had mechanical problems so they couldn't leave the airports. She got to Rome less then two hours before the premiere. I was so GRATEFUL because these moments mean so much more when someone who has watched you endure your journey sees the beauty that the endurance brought to life! Oh and at 7:32 Paulo spots me after not seeing eachother for a year. ;-)
You can't compare the two events which presided over my last two weeks. You just can't but I have a feeling the UNICEF badge you see below, next to my Rome Film Festival Badge, will be worn with a lot of honor and gratitude in the coming months for being allowed the privilege of being of service to an organization I have looked up to for years. The journey continues and for that I have God and the universe to thank!
Words will never suffice to describe what I lived Tuesday night in Rome. As I arrived at the Rome Film Festival it finally hit me. One of my biggest dreams was becoming a reality. As I stood at the beginning of the red carpet I thought Dearest God and Universe you did it again! You exceeded my expectations! Sure I dreamt of this moment but what I never could have known was that I'd be the one behind the project and that my project would be a collaboration with someone whose work had granted me the ability to be a warrior and soldier on. One of many factors that contributed to me standing on that carpet. Friends, family, new blog friends, and in this case a particular ex lover all had a hand in that magical moment! However I would be a fool to not acknowledge that in my world the timing of the signs is as crucial as finding the courage to follow them. So again thank you God and the universe for opening my eyes to that which I can not see. ;-) I will continue to trust in that which I can not see but only feel in all my heart, soul, gut and every ounce of my being!! Hope you allow the universe, through patience, the ability to guide you. You never know where it could lead. If anything I hope I am an example of how magical life is when you surrender control. Afterall I'm just a girl from Mexico via Texas who dreams, believes, and trusts in the unknown. I AM YOU!
All of us on the red carpet. Paulo(coelho) is in the middle in all black and I am far right in the silver dress. Next to me in all black is my husband, I wish!, Alex Jehs fellow winner. ;-) On my other side in all black is Jessica Ranek who played my mom aka the witch of portobello's mom in the film.
Take a look at these links. I have amazing video, including one of me and Paulo, that blew me away when he spoke. I will post all that when I am back in LA next week.
They say that behind a great man is a woman. Well behind this little lady stood a village of men and women who the universe conspired to bring into my life to be able to see The Experimental Witch, the Samira Chapters, come to life. I recall like it was yesterday that I asked my ex for help because we were trying to stay friends after our break up. He is a music video producer/director and I am certain you have seen his work. It is VERY different than mine. His reply was no and that I should get someone to produce it meaning I shouldn't do it. Huh? Actually it made absolute sense considering he told me while we were together that he couldn't get through The Alchemist and went on to say how bad it was. Red flag anyone? ;-) To this day I believe that had he helped me and directed it I would have come in on a broom in front of a green screen in a super tight outfit with my chest popping out. It would have so contradicted the book. So in the end his no was the perfect answer and the universe knew exactly what it was doing no matter how painful it felt in the moment.
I prayed that all the people that needed to be a part of The Experimental Witch and could grow from the experience as well please be sent into my life. They began to arrive little by little and it was up to me to trust my gut and go with what I knew, I knew. This way of living doesn't always make sense to people so I didn't argue with anyone about what my gut was telling me I simply said this is the person for the job when others involved in the production weren't so sure. In the end the producer, who finances the project, has the final say so I did but I believe it wasn't me just having the final say it was actually God and the Universe.
I asked my agent at the time, Danielle Valencia, who also teaches acting to cast it with me and I had found a director,Luis Fernandez Reneo , whose work had inspired me to ask him to bring my project to life. All three of us sat through a lot of casting sessions but there was no doubt in my mind from the moment she opened her mouth that Jessica Ranek was Samira, The Witch of Portobello's mom. A belief that was being confirmed considering I had known this since I had seen her headshot. I saw it and knew it was her. I even told Danielle but told her I would point her out at the auditions. After her audition it was so obvious but because I had hired people to collaborate with me it had to be a group decision. In the end and after several discussions I stuck to my gut instinct and cast her. The one casting decision that was a given for all of us was Danielle Soibelman who came in and blew us all away. She was cast as the younger version of my character, The Witch of Portobello. Elan Garfias as my son was also a dead ringer for the job. We were missing the dad and in the second set of auditions we found Mr. Khalil. I had prayed that morning that God send him our way and so God did. Andrew Qamar's look, his ability to do the accent, and his professionalism made me smile, at God of course, during his audition. In gratitude I concluded the sessions and had found my cast.
Prior to the casting sessions I had many things I had to do as Producer. Things I was constantly in conversation with God and the Universe about. Even when I was overwhelmed and tired I never doubted that the Universe would conspire to bring all I needed for God had led me to this and would lead me through it. I had asked Kris Pustina-Haldane who was in my play to co-adapt the novel with me and she had agreed. I then began to go after the man I consider to be an AMAZING DP, Neil Lisk , who turned out to be the best one I have ever worked with! We knew of eachother but had not met. His wife was due to have a baby at the time and one of our mutual friends had assured me he would not do it. I had been told by God otherwise so I continued to go after him. In the end not only did he do my film but out of his own will HE CHOOSE TO NOT CHARGE ME. Moral of this story? Above all always always TRUST YOURSELF no matter what anyone tells you. He made my movie look like it was shot on film and the first question anyone asks after seeing it is, whose your DP?
Along with Neil I hired the crew via ads. Turns out he's well known in the indie film world and people were dying to be part of his crew. So much so that we got so many talented people on our budget. A very very low budget with a lot of love, passion and of course gratitude for everyone working with me outside their normal pay range. From the ads also came the fabulous Annette Chaisson who did make up and Ricky Lloyd George who was the AD. May I add he's is an extremely handsome young man, with all respect to his lovely girlfriend. ;-) My friend Nick Ligonis was not only the AC but we used his camera. He also guided us to his beautiful wife Maria Honrado who became our editor. So they along with Mickey McMullen, our sound guy, Michael Schilling, our gaffer, John Schmidt, our key grip, Maria, our PA, and MeLeah Robinson, our production coordinator made the film come to life in a very short time frame. We shot 25 minutes in three days!
Prior to them though came what I consider a huge universal conspiracy and a very crucial one. Our film was to take place in Beirut and London. It became very clear I was being led to this when my two closest friends had homes already designed to look like London and Beirut. So you can imagine my immense gratitude when they allowed us the privilege of shooting in their homes. So to my angels Bev Bishop and Sheri Michaels THANK YOU!
In the end this was a labor of love I was passionate about making come to life because of the story of Athena. Like her I long to not only be seen and accepted for who I am but loved unconditonally. Something I know I deserve and will receive when the planets align and my soul mate can sing this song to me. I know I am not the only creative person who longs to live out their dream without the judgement of others while also realizing that what others think is truly a reflection of themselves, has nothing to do with me and is something I can not change. There will always be people who feel the need to voice their opinion with such certainity that it is TRUTH not aware that TRUTH is subjective, so I had to do this for all of us.
I had to show the world that above all in life the most important thing to me is to trust ourselves, what we know which has been told to us by God and the universe and no one else can see or hear, just like Athena experienced. I had to showcase a place where being your bestfriend was what would lead to defying gravity or as John Quincy Adams put it, "Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." I'd like to add that being you grants you patience and perservance for you depend on your own thoughts to guide you and not what others think therefore never giving up on YOUR dream!
My dream once more has been exceeded. I did tell the cast and crew we would win because we were being guided through this and we did. Even though I trusted that which I knew it didn't make it less magical when it happened. On the contrary it made it more magical because I was shown once again that I am communicating with God and the Universe, that they love me unconditionally and always hold my best interest at heart if I can endure the road the lead me on. Now the final film in its entiretity will be premiering Tuesday at the Rome Film Festival and my Roman Holiday inspired by Audrey's will now be my reality.
A dream far exceeding what I thought would come of this gut instinct to honor Athena and in the process unite creative souls and help them feel less alone. She certainly did that for me and continues to do so. I can only pray she does it for you too!
As I type this I have received an email informing me that one person has been chosen to walk the red carpet with Paulo and that the other remaining winners may or may not. I am not the chosen one but YES I AM. I was chosen and so are all of us. It is indeed up to us to decide what road we will travel on when life presents our choices. I chose one that cost me a lot financially and presented all kinds of obstacles but above all once more showed me what we human beings are capable of when we listen to our hearts and follow our passion! We are all choosen and it is up to us to CHOOSE to follow our destiny when the signs show up to take us there.
Walking the red carpet...not so important. Watching what was born of sadness and pain for someone's lack of unconditonal love for me, (Click here to read that story and what Jason called an amazing but not surprising story), in a room full of strangers connecting us all while knowing that for me this is only the beginning, that is what this is about for me. Substance over form always! Meaning experience over looking pretty on the red carpet. If it happens it does and if doesn't I am still on my Roman Holiday LIVING my dream! I'd like to state that in the end it wasn't me my ex couldn't love unconditionally it was himself, for when you love yourself you love everything as is and not as you wish IT was.
To each and everyone one of you listed in this blog I say thank you for allowing me to LIVE my dream!!!! While I am there I will take you with me in my heart knowing that without you I would not be there. To you the reader I say that Eleanor Roosevelt was a wise woman when she said, "The future belongs to those who believe in the BEAUTY of their dreams!" DREAM AWAY MY FRIENDS AND WHEN THE UNIVERSE SENDS THE SIGNS TO GUIDE YOU TOWARDS MAKING YOUR DREAMS A REALITY I HOPE YOU FOLLOW!
This past weekend I went to my first Jason Mraz concert. My friend Eric had pretty much told me what to expect since he has shared the stage with him. Check out the end of Eric's rap, I took my camera out too late. :-(
I have to say I was blown away by the experience! The drive there, the atmosphere, the venue,the fact that it was free, the people, Brett Dennen who I love, the non-profit booths (chose one at random to donate to and when I saw who it was I saw God), and of course Jason himself. (Click here to see the blog he called an amazing yet not suprising story.) What a gracious being! Some of you ladies have asked me about him and a young woman with certain kind of eyes, ;-) asked me to describe him in one word. Beautiful I replied. He truly is a beautiful soul. Because of that beauty he thought to bring along the gratitude tents and there is where I found God. Huh? You ask? Was he/she/it the volunteer tending to the gratitude tent and playing the board games with strangers? In a way...well yes.
If you've been reading my blogs you've seen me write about my struggle with asking for help. I give openly with all my heart never expecting anything in return because I believe that what you put out IS what you get back. However I struggle to ask for help and receive, so guess what? The universe has stepped in. ;-) As I played the Abounding River game, check me and Danielle out playing with the volunteer, my first card asked me to repeat to someone playing with me three times the following phrase, GIVING AND RECEIVING ARE ONE AND THE SAME. Upon reading it I got teary eyed, looked Danielle straight in the eye and affirmed it three times. Then I smiled at God. Alright already, I get it and I love you too. ;-) That phrase has resonated so strongly with me since and today it managed to be ever so present as an unexpected incident took over my day.
I make quite a drive to my yoga studio, CreekSide Wellness , because it is a dojo in Topanga Canyon in the middle of nature with a creek flowing by and an amazing teacher. Today I decided to go because I haven't been in a while and I could really use the serenity as I prepare myself for quite the journey with UNICEF and the Rome Film Festival this weekend. I want to be PRESENT and I knew Patrice's class, AJ's presence, and Bev's smile would remind me to do just that. When I was almost there I had called Bev to ask her if it may be cancelled since it was raining pretty strong, for LA, and she told me no. I told her I would see her shortly. As I continued my drive I saw this. Yet again I smiled at God, thinking to myself yes I know everything always arrives Just in Time! Within a few miles I was met by someone trying to cross an intersection in their car while I was a few steps from them in the rain. As he pulled out my body went into shock and I thought he really isn't attempting this is he?! But he was and he had no room to do so. The next thing I knew I was honking at him to alert him and swerved to my right to avoid hitting him on his door and to hit his passenger door instead. Something I did not realize until later and when I did I also realized that something/someone was with me in that moment and that was what prompted me to react so quickly in such a short time span and avoid hitting him. This I know for sure! I sat in my car in shock grateful that no one was in the next lane so when I swerved I didn't involve anyone else. I can I honestly tell you I had just one thought as it happened, "God please don't let anything happen to me as I have so much yet to do and it starts with UNICEF and Rome." I looked to my left and a woman who was in the meridian and had seen the whole thing mouthed to me, "Are you okay?" I smiled and shook my head as tears rolled down my eyes. I called Bev and told her where I was and stepped out of the car to meet Duane.
Duane had nothing but fear in his eyes when I met him and from that moment I knew like much of the country right now he is struggling. I called the cops and they told me to call my insurance company and handle it myself since no one was injured. REALLY?!! Okay what else could I do? So I did just that. A sheriff happened to drive by since my car was blocking most of Ventura, as you can see here. I was blocking the road because the impact broke my axle and my car could not move. I told the Sheriff what had happened and when he saw the small bruise and cut on my hand he told me to call the police and demand a report be filed because I had a minor injury. They lined the road with flashers and left. Really? You're leaving?! I attempted to get things under control as my emotions were taking over me. As I was being rained on and all my stuff was on the car floor I turned around and was met by my GOD sent angel Deanna. The same woman who had mouthed to me, Are you okay, had returned. She looked at me and said, "I saw you and you looked so sweet and I had to come back and see that you were okay." I fell apart in her arms. For not only did I now have a witness to contradict the story Duane had made up due to his fear but the universe had sent help and I was able to receive it just in time. (We had just both finished crying in this picture because when I told her my name she told me it was her daughter's bestfriend's name and they had just move here from San Francisco and she missed her so much) I told her what Duane told the cops and she told me not to worry that she would go to court if she had to. Sadly Duane was being overtaken by his fear and had created a reality where he had made it across and I should have slowed down. The reality is had I not swerved into the next lane I would have hit him instead of the rear door, as you can see in this picture below. I was saddened by what he was trying to do but I was aware that he was scared and in a lot of pain or he wouldn't be throwing me under the bus to save himself. His story didn't make sense to anyone, not even the cops or sheriffs. So I decided to turn him over to God and asked God to guide him. I could just feel that this was the last thing he thought he needed but I trust God enough to know that we all go through everything for a reason, so all I ask is that Duane's eyes are open enought to see it. He had a limp and that added to how bad I felt for him. He had no cell phone either so he kept having to go to the payphone. At this point Bev had arrived. When we were done I went over to Duane. I put my hand on his arm and I said "Duane it's an accident and the important thing is we are alive." For the first time I saw less fear in his eyes as he looked at me and said, "Yes we are alive."
As we parted ways all of it started to sink in. My blessings! I was five minutes from Bev's house, I was without a car but it didn't matter because in three days I leave the country and it would probably be fixed by the time I was back, I met an amazing woman who wanted to help a stranger so in my world once more I met God. Oh and now I would have to accept that giving and receiving ARE one in the same. It was becoming so clear. I needed to receive a ride to the doctor, the grocery store, and back home from Bev. I thought really?! The woman is already like my mom, here in LA, do we need to give her more to do?! Then I silenced the independent woman in me, smiled at God and thought I see you, you got it and I'll receive. Thank you for letting me be alive to receive.
Sadly I can't get Duane off my mind. Something is going on there and I know God's got it. His lessons will be just that his lessons BUT I ask you to send him and his family your love, light, and prayers! My car was damaged pretty bad and this not going to be cheap. Please ask God if you may what I always ask of God. I say, God I trust you are already there so all I ask is that they find the courage and strength to believe in that which they can not see and feel your presence and rest their worries upon you. I leave you with gratitude for being able to be here in this moment and type this today! I ask you to be careful in the rain in LA or anywhere and be mindful of others for the life you change forever doesn't necessarily turn out to be just yours. I am giving Duane love and I know I am receiving love! I see it in all of you who take time out of your day to read this.
What I walk away with the most today is affirming my belief that life is short, can change in an instant, and that YES I am right in following my heart even if to some I remain a witch for choosing to trust the creator for all I have not seen. The truth is seeing you, this planet and all its inhabitants has taught me to trust in that which I can only feel in my heart! Right now I feel the need to receive. I got it God I do. Thank you for allowing me to see the beauty in this day! I am off to give my body the rest it's asking for. In the words of Walt Whitman,
Love the earth and sun and animals, Despise riches, give alms to everyone that asks, Stand up for the stupid and crazy, Devote your income and labor to others... And your very flesh shall be a great poem.
LIVE AS IF TODAY WERE YOUR LAST DAY FOR THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES AND GIVE TRUSTING THAT IF YOU ALLOW LIFE TO GIVE TO YOU, YOU WILL RECEIVE ALL YOU NEED AND MORE JUST IN TIME!
Today has been an interesting full of eye opening experiences day and as I am seeing people's true colors all I keep hearing is be love, be love, be love. I never forgot once in an Al Anon meeting someone said that when she was facing a tough situation that involved someone else she would say to herself see them through God's eyes. How would God look at them? I believe with love, of course! So today I have asked myself to do just that. It's easy for us to react when we've been hurt but I refuse to do easy. I'll take hard, which for me means doing the right thing or I should say what feels right to me. I have found in my limited yet profound experience that the right thing to do aka taking the high road can sometimes be the hardest thing to do. People have shown up today and shown me their true character. I must admit some of it was not pretty. Some people crossed the line, the ones I least expected to do so, and some simply said nothing and held out their hand for me to hold onto. The latter was also those I expected to do it the least. Yet again I learned that an expectation is a premeditated resentment and only hurts the person having them.
Let's just say the Galinda's of the world were exposed today as were the Elphaba's of the world. As far as the Wizard, met him too and what lies behind the curtain well let's just say some things are never quite what they sell I mean seem. ;-) For those of you who don't know Wicked the musical let me explain that both characters are not what they seem and I won't say more as to not ruin an AMAZING musical for you. It's a must see! I devoured every minute of it both times I saw it in Los Angeles and Chicago.
So here I was feeling like I was being kicked while I was down for someone, let's call her Galinda, decided to JUDGE me and my life quite harshly. Someone who has known me for a long time. Now I know that people see the world as they are not as it is but when you have loved someone as long as I have loved Galinda you can't help but be hurt. Everytime my mind has wanted to hold on to the hurt my heart has stepped in and whispered BE LOVE, BE LOVE, BE LOVE, look at Galinda through God's eyes. So I did and here is what I concluded.
Although Galinda can not understand me I still love her because I know that her inability to SEE me is what is creating the judgement that allowed her to cross the line and condemn my lifestyle. Once I was able to see that I realized I was summoning Athena, The Witch of Portobello, once more. What you may know if you've read my blogs is that the reason this feels all so familiar to when I gave birth to The Witch of Portobello is because then the person who I thought loved me the most turned out to be the one that was not be able to accept me or the way I live my life either. What you don't know is this was something I learned not only two days before Valentines but also shortly after I had been diagnosed with a premature stress induced heart beat, which has been gone for a while now thanks to yoga. ;-)
Well now as I find myself yet again facing what APPEARS to be an insurmountable challenge this person decided to not only tell me they don't want to help but along the way condemned me. Huh? Sounds really familiar! I've been here before and if my memory serves me well once the challenge was over and I endured it I ended up in a pretty magical place. A place where I brought to life one of the most beautiful "witches" ever written, Athena. So with that thought in mind I decided I would thank them for their thoughts while having gratitude for the eye opening experience and prepare myself to receive once more. Yes!!! This for me is actually a sign that something beautiful is around the corner because once more I have sided with myself, my truth and put my love for myself above anything. I STAND BY ME! After all people's ideas of me only truly reveal how they see the world. I am saddened that a person I love so much sees through those eyes but glad life has revealed to me that which I needed to be aware of and as usual I know God's got it. It's their journey and their truth and neither them or I are right or wrong. It simply is what it is and to me a reminder that sometimes people are so frightened by that which they can't understand or SEE that they judge it.
As I took a walk earlier I began to think about all the Elphaba's I know. The ones that aren't always trying to keep up with appearances but have a heart of GOLD and I know so many of those!!!! So many that I had to tell you all about them. Some I've known forever, some I've just met but overall these women are truly extraordinary and inspiring so I feel compelled to share them with you! Whether they know it or not they are what gives me hope in the kindness of humanity! I have chosen to keep my focus on them!! When I think of us this is what I see. ;-) (c) acclaim images
Jennifer Hankins is my soul sister who resides in Chicago and who I met thanks to my play's stop there a few years back. AMAZING doesn't even begin to do her justice. Darice Mangin I also met in Chicago when she came to see my play. A beautiful soul who paints like an angel! As an independent production we are dependent on people who support the arts and these two women showed up and did just that. Ever since August 25, 2007, when the universe conspired to cross our paths, they have become my dear dear friends with hearts of gold. Danielle Valencia, my amazing agent of three years, is such a close friend that she knew her client would LOVE to be submitted for the UNICEF spot even though it did not pay. Most agents don't waste their time on something they can't make money on BUT she knew me and she is part of the reason I am headed to NY next week for my training as UNICEF Ambassador for http://www.tapproject.org. Her understanding and acceptance of who I am and where I am in life compelled her to submit me for that job and from the moment I got called in she said, 'It's yours, It's who you are." She sees me and because of that the rest is history. Tammy La, Mary Queen Robinson, and Joy Nash have been in my play for a very long time and have always been EXTRAORDINARILY supportive of me and my work. Support that they have shown by donating their BEAUTIFUL TALENT AND STORIES TO THE ART OF BEING. Ladies THANK YOU!!!
Bev Bishop is a God send. If God ever sent an angel it was her. What she did last week for me I will not mention but let's just say if I did you may want to nominate her for sainthood. ;-) Gaby Moreno is not only sweet but extremely talented!! Everytime I see her play I think really can someone just open their mouth and sound that amazing?!!! She's so talented when she got off the road recently after opening for Tracy Chapman, Ani DeFranco hand picked her to open for her so off she goes again! But wait Sarah Berailles saw her last week and told her she wants her to open for her. You wanna see her? Come to my UNICEF Fundraiser in March, she has already agreed to donate her amazing gift of a voice to it! Last but not least Shari Goldberg whose not only as cheesy as me, sorry but you know you are, takes one to know one, ;-) but whose so dedicated to the causes I am she joined me this year as co-producer of The Art of Being and worked her butt off free of charge!!!
Now for the inspirations that came from way of one of my many inspirations, Mr. Mraz. Should you have made your way here from his blog you may want to finish this and then go to Me and Paulo Coelho....how the universe conspired to cross our paths. because that is what he called an amazing yet not surprising story. ;-) Speaking of amazing these amazing women I have met thanks to him. The fabulous writer..Andi also known as AndiWritesAgain , the young woman who is finding her passion and bravely following it the girl with kaleidoscope eyes or as I know her Kim, Sarah Forrester whose work, http://www.grilledcheeseimages.com/, I love, and last but not least Leah Carrico whose amazing words last night as a comment on my blog showed me the generosity of strangers is clearly God speaking to me and saying I AM HERE! All these women have shown me that for every one person who turns their back on me there are ten beautiful souls extending their hand out to me.
Life my friends, how we choose to look at it and WHO we choose to surround ourselves with is just that a choice! Choose wisely and choose not only knowing but trusting you deserve the best! I may be making my way through something today and it may seem like too much just for today but in the end I know that which only I can know. I am about to yet again once more DEFY GRAVITY and make what some call impossible my reality. After all," What you think about yourself is much more important than what others think of you." Seneca. I used that quote in The Art of Being as friendly reminder to my audience and cast. One I am making to myself today! ;-)
I hope whatever challenge you face allows you to find out exactly what you are made of! This is for you my loving friends, those I know, don't know and I am getting to know. Your beauty encourages me to move forward and trust my instincts and do as Elphaba sings, "So if you care to find me look to the western sky! As someone told me lately everyone deserves the chance to fly! And if I'm flying solo at least I'm flying free. To those who'd ground me take a message back from me. Tell them how I am defying gravity! I'm flying high defying gravity. And soon I'll match them in renown and NOBODY in all of Oz no wizard that there is or was is ever gonna bring me down!"
I hope you trust you have it within you to choose not to allow anything or anyone to bring you down. Now go on grab that broomstick and go defy gravity! If no one wants to literally join you on your broomstick remember YOU ARE NEVER ALONE in your leap of faith, NEVER! I am off to re read the novel that reminds me I am not alone in trusting myself, La Bruja de Portobello . Paulo thank you for creating her and helping me and many others continue to fight for our dreams and passions by following our hearts!!!
This blog is for my sister Mercedes Garza whose rough exterior has shown me today has a soft interior for when push came to shove she held out her hand put our differences aside and showed me that she truly is an Elphaba!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!! If trusting God and the Universe and that which I can not SEE but simply feel in my heart makes me WICKED than hand me my broomstick!!! Please. ;-) After you watch this I hope you find it within you to be WICKED!!!
Off on my broomstick....next stop my very own Roman Holiday, courtesy of the witch of portobello of course! ;-) Last but not least may I suggest going here and listening to track 20, Crazy Horse, when you are done. But do yourself a favor and make sure you listen to the lyrics.
I have to admit it if I was truly to write about all the lessons from God and the Universe this blog would be never ending. Speaking of never ending I feel like my tie ins to Mraz will become just that, never ending. Simply because I want people to read the blog he called an amazing but not surprising story, Me and Paulo Coelho....how the universe conspired to cross our paths. , should they have found their way here from his blog. Eventually I'll let go. Speaking of letting go guess what God and the universe have brought me to? With my help of course! Yes letting go and letting God. That is one of my favorite phrases ever followed by, "Or don't let go and be dragged." Hmmmm....I think I'll let go. Do I always do it perfectly? Ah no! Which is why I find myself in the lesson I am in these days. After all I co pilot my journey with God and the Universe so I help create my lessons and resistance to them only makes them last longer. Yipee for awareness!
So here I am completely aware of the fact that I have no concept of how to ask for help or receive the way I give, unless the giving comes by way of Toyota or Glamour i.e. corporations, but I don't know how to receive from friends. They say we are what we know, mostly what we learned in our childhoods, and I am the daughter of an independent strong woman who raised seven kids on her own. So guess what I became a strong independent woman who can do everything on her own. Ask anyone who knows me and they'll agree that the most common phrase to come out of my mouth when asked if I need help in any part of my life is, "I got it." I got it, I got it, I got it and God forbid I don't got it because I may come across as weak. Well guess what ladies and gentlemen this one I don't got and for the first time in my life I have pushed myself into a corner so tightly that I am unable to breathe and now I am oficially surrendering control and admiting that yes I don't have it and I need help. WOW....I can't believe I am admitting it at this level but it's about time.
You see I have spent the last few years of my life applying all of which life, four years in therapy, Al Anon, and all those books I read taught me, which means I have in complete awareness decided to live life as I see fit. Strictly being guided by God and the Universe as they speak to me through my intuition. I believe God prompts the Universe to send me signs to guide me to where I am MEANT to go which ends up leading to the road less traveled. A road I have to create all my own and as hard as it can seem sometimes when the journey down that road ends I end up at a place that is far beyond magical! A place where my dreams are exceeded and my faith, courage, strength, compassion, love and many other things have grown! As some of you may know I call it the metamorphisis. Just like the caterpillar metamorphisis it can be so not pretty at some points and dark but because of those moments my faith grows. For in those moments I have to choose and I choose to believe in all that I can not see and I can only feel in my heart, gut, and soul. I choose to acknowledge that because of those moments I have learned to walk by faith and not by sight. And yes here I am again still patiently awaiting the end of my metamorphisis and just like nature slowly becoming and getting ready to shed that cocoon and emerge a butterfly. Just like this. This is the quick version. ;-) The great things in life take time.
Take a look at these from the butterfly exhibit I took Zoe to at the Natural History Museum a few weeks ago. This turns.... Into this....tell me life isn't magical?! ;-)
However if there is anything my life has taught me is that everything I GROW through is about the lessons/journey and not the destination. Yes the destinations are great and I enjoy those moments when they present themselves but would all those moments have become a reality without the journey? Nope, not in my world. So here I am accepting in complete awareness that I backed myself into that corner facing the wall smooshing my nose so hard against it that I hit a point where I couldn't breathe. So I have surrended, dropped to my knees and conversed with God and the Universe. The great thing about that is that they love me no matter what! Even if I struggle to love me as I accept my mistake God and the Universe have my back. THIS I KNOW AND TRUST MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD! I know now that this lesson has stayed in my life longer than I desired because while everyone asked me if I needed help I proudly said, "Nope I got it." When in reality I knew I didn't have it and needed help.
Once I was able to admit that I can't do it all, handle everything, and be everyting to everyone, a few days ago, I began to ask for help. Guess what?! I was shot down left and right and I am thrilled!!! What? This from a woman who rarely drinks and doesn't do drugs, so you know I am telling you the truth completely sober or is it completely aware? ;-) You see I so get this I do. God and the universe never abandon me! Trust me they can show up for me in ways other human beings can't nor would I ever want to put the pressure on ANYONE to show up the way God and the Universe are about to. Everytime I summon them they never disappoint and I know they hear me and you!! All of us are heard we just have to be willing to let go of how WE WANT THINGS TO APPEAR and we will receive everything we dream of and more.
So my learning to ask for help I don't believe for one second is about the outcome because the universe has abundant supply to bestow that upon me which it knows I need. I believe it's about the lesson! I am learning to ask for help, something I dread, while continuing to trust that the help I need will arrive at just the right moment because like I've quoted before, "Whether or not it is clear to you no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should." Max Ehrmann
So I am doing as I am being guided to while trusting that the outcome will be as magical as all the others have been and when the universe deems me ready to receive the help I need I will just like I have before, only this time I asked. ;-) I feel it happening! I will tell you what I told my friend Bev, "We shall see where this leads but with God and the universe with me as usual I know it'll be magical! I refuse to give in to fear my faith is too strong for that!"
Not only do I know my life to be magical but I also consider it wonderful and full of wonder. On my hikes these days I enter with what I always have,A Thousand Roads by Lisa Gerrard (go to track 12 on the link), playing on my ipod as I witness the magic that awaits me behind the gates of Runyon where birds, the tallest trees I've seen, centipedes, coyotes, snakes, rabbits and many other beautiful creations surround me and astound me all as the universe whispers to me of that, which only I can understand for it is my interpretation of those whispers that create the life I live. Lately I've been listening to two other songs a lot too as I hike. I share them with you and after reading this my hope is that while we all may be learning our own lessons you realize that in the end we are in this together and if you so desire to call upon me for a helping hand I will gladly lend it and in return I will ask for your help too.
My friend Jesse introduced me to this song a little over a month ago via a link he sent me for his non-profit organization which I was using to send to my friends in asking for their help for his fundraiser. As I scrolled to the bottom on came this song while a video played. When I saw who it was I smiled at the universe....and now I hike to this song because I hope your view of the world allows you to see how wonderful life truly is. Something my hikes, my life, God and the universe indulge me with! LISTEN to the lyrics. ;-)
This song because I will continue to be in awe of fireflies as I walk down town lake back home in Austin, and when I lay my head on my pillow at night I will dream of being a fairy princess sailing on bed sheet sails with Max from Where the Wild Things Are and will wake the next morning and allow God and the Universe to guide me towards making those dreams a reality. This world, existence, the universe is truly magical. I hope you find it in you to open your eyes!
It's funny the way life works sometimes and the lessons it brings you. We grow up having our parents say someday you'll have your own children and you'll understand. Meanwhile we roll our eyes and go about our teenage lives. Then one day I wake up, I'm 32 and understanding exactly what my mom said. The reason for my understanding stems from a young lady named Zoe whom I just dropped off at home. She is twelve and as she lives out her pre-teen years I get to relive mine acknowledging that a gratitude conversation will be had with my mom face to face soon for all she did for seven kids as a single mom. I feel the need to thank her for the sacrifices she made that as a child I could not comprehend. Yes mom now I understand. For once I agree with you so I hope that puts a smile on your face. ;-)
I have put in quite a bit of effort into exposing Zoe to things she hasn't been exposed to. Due to the fact that we live in LA she is saturated with images of Melrose Place billboards, retouched women, Lady Gaga's creative yet not appropriate for her age videos and well the list is endless. So I decided to expose her to my friend Eric's Grati tube and Papa Mraz 's music in hopes of opening her eyes to a place where there is light. Speaking of Papa Mraz should you have found your way here because of him please note that the blog he called an amazing yet not surprising story is the one titled Me and Paulo Coelho....how the universe conspired to cross our paths. Don't want you wondering how the lessons of twelve year old could be so amazing to him. ;-)
Anyway now that I exposed her to this I have created a monster. It's all she wants to listen to ever! I am a softie so I let her control the ipod in the car. However this weekend I had to finally put my foot down and ask for a mix of songs. Luckily she agreed. ;-) It's in moments like this that I realize how truly lucky I am. By luck I mean the kind you create with your actions not the one people claim only certain people have. So yes I believe throughout my journey my actions led me to her. I also believe God and the universe conspired to cross our paths at the precise moment we both needed it most. You'll see what I mean.
You may be wondering who she is exactly? Well she is my little sister from Big Brother Big Sister although everywhere we go people think she is my daughter. Last night at the Borders Where the Wild Things Are Rumpus party a man commented how different my daughter's hair color was. I looked at her smiled and then explained to him why. He was actually shocked she was not my daughter. Quite frankly I wish she was. As we left Borders I held her tiny hand in mine as we walked across the parking lot and I began to let my mind wander into thoughts of when she'll be too cool too hold my hand and will want nothing to do with me the way all seven of us did it to my mom. I got teary eyed at the thought. You see I will tell you briefly and to respect her privacy that I feel like her mom because she lost hers four years ago in a car accident and is being raised by her step dad. When we were paired up last year I had been waiting for a little sister for a long time. She meanwhile was having a hard time in life so it was suggested by her counselor she check out Big Brother Big Sister. The following week she had me and I had what I had been longing for for a long time, a sense of family.
It's no secret to anyone that knows me that more than anything in the world I want to fall madly in love with a man whose being I respect and feel honored to call my bestfriend but who most of all sparks a desire in me to create life. My dating life hasn't led me down that road.....yet but I do feel the winds of change taking me there now. ;-) There comes a point in life where you hopefully realize life is not just about you and for me it has never been but having been a fatherless child has obviously made me very cautious of who I look at creating life with and being responsible for it. Things didn't work out so well with my love life as Patrick dumped me and shortly after not only did I give birth to The Experimental Witch BUT in came Zoe. It was truly MAGICAL as you can see below. At the end of the video I say I love the faces she makes because she looks like she wants to fire her back up dancer, me, for having too much fun. :-)
Fun aside these days I am faced with a major responsibility. One I am very grateful to God for having trusted me with! She is entering her teens soon and everything you can possibly imagine is starting to happen. From the obvious things our bodies go through at that age to the things I didn't see myself having to talk to someone about before discussing it with my husband and deciding together how to guide a life. But for now life wanted otherwise and so this morning over breakfast I found myself having the drug conversation as she mentioned how disappointed and shocked she was someone at school was doing them. At first I thought really?! At twelve I have to talk to her about this and then I realized all I could do was tell her my story and be honest. So I did.
I told her I had never done drugs in my life, not even tried them, because I simply had never had a desire to. I told her I was aware back then that most people where doing them but that I had always thought it important that I do what felt right to me no matter what anybody labeled me. As I allowed my friends to do what felt right to them. Then I asked her what she thought and as she began to be harsh with her classmate I asked her to keep the focus on herself while reminding her that what's most important in life is how we treat our bodies and that other people's business was just that their business. We can't keep people from their journey and lessons and we must trust God's got it or we can loose ourselves in trying to be saviors. There is after all for me a fine line between a friend and a savior. I don't want to ever trick myself into believing I could save something I did not help create and something that has no desire to be saved. Been there done that....lesson learned.
And now I am left with the worries of a mother. I do indeed comprehend so much now and I am so grateful. It's a run through prior to my own children and I consider that a HUGE blessing! I have no idea what awaits me in the years ahead, how long she'll be in my life or when I'll stop being cool to her. But I don't care because these moments I am living now are way too precious to spend time worrying about what will be. She makes me want to be a mom even more, gives me hope in ways I can not describe and opened my eyes to her world. A world where life on life's terms dealt her a card early on that left her in a dark place. A place where it's not safe to look at things from a happy beautiful place because life will eventually take that from you. Tears fill my eyes as I write this because what she has taught me the most is that I can not change her journey, it's lessons, and how she feels about what has happened. All I can do is be me and expose her to my world where the view comes from a different place even though I too have been dealt cards I would rather not have, like my dad leaving when I was seven.
Hopefully she trusts that I will never intentionally hurt her, always love her, and hold her hand as long as she, God and the universe allow me to. Zoe it is my honor to be your sister and I have no doubt in my mind that if your mom was here right now she would be so proud of you! Although I know wherever she is she knows what a wonderful young lady full of character she created! Thanks for filling a void in my heart with your unconditional love!
Here's to you Ms. Zoey Otterbach, soon to be girlfriend of Charlie, if you find the courage within you to ask him to the Halloween dance, which I am hoping you do cause life's too short to have regrets! Thanks for all these moments below and all the lessons you've taught me and will continue to teach me. You are one of the BEST teachers I have ever had! I have no doubt you're definitely a MAGICAL gift from God and the Universe! Running from the dinosaurs at the Natural History Museum. The day we met at the Big Brother Big Sisters headquarters. Last year with Santa. They said say cheese so I did! Hanging out with me and my friend Paul as we shot his LRO video. Her patience during our LONG shoot paid off as she got to swim in his pool when we wrapped. ;-)
