Falling slowly back into the arms of grace.

The word Grace has been on my mind a lot in the past months. When I think of all I have been through the saying "by the grace of God" comes to mind a lot. How do I get up everyday and face the challenges in my personal and professional life? By the grace of God. As it is defined in the dictionary grace means elegance or beauty of form, manner or action. The first thing that comes to mind when I read that is my mom. She is one of the most elegant women I have ever laid eyes on. She walks into a room so gracefully and perhaps that has to do with all her years of ballet training or perhaps its her essence. Grace can mean so many things depending the circumstance.

On Monday as I got back to my home in LA and turned the page to see the quote of the day for March 21 it read, "Grace fills empty spaces, but it can only enter where there is a void to receive it." I fell in love with the quote because in the past few months I had been catapulted into circumstances that had created a void. I wish I could say grace immediately filled them but when everything seemingly all at once falls apart before your eyes and you are catapulted into a sea of fears grace appeared to be the last thing I possessed. I struggled and fell into the arms of fear whose grip, some days, felt so tight I wondered if I would be released from its arms. It managed to hold me tightly longer than I'd like and with such strength that my struggle to be released of its overwhelming power over me was anything but graceful. It was messy and scary but most of all temporary. That was what I had to remember the most in the moments when I was absolutely consumed by this false evidence appearing real. That the only thing constant is change and that this too would pass.

I also had to admit it would take time and that I had to surrender to not knowing how or when I would be ready to feel the faith I'd always known outweigh the fear that invaded my life. Especially the week the flu got me bad. While I realize that was the universe telling me to slow down and heal, it sucked. Laying around thinking of those you miss and existence when you can not move at all is not fun. However I also saw what the universe guided by God, in my humble opinion, was trying to do then as well. If I am to fill the voids with grace than I am to accept that they are there to begin with and not run from them. While I initially tried hard to escape my reality back in January and literally tried everything to leave LA for a while it never worked out. The universe kept me where they needed me to be to work it out and work through it not around it for I know that going around something guarantees me it will be back again.

While in the midst of my pain, which comes and goes these days but isn't overwhelming me any longer, someone said to me I hope things are settling in your life with grace. There it was again, grace. I remember being annoyed simply because I knew grace had eluded me not because this person meant any harm. So I was left to ponder yet again when handling things in an elegant manner or taking elegant action would become a part of my life again. It was then that I realized what I have before. Things don't just happen. What I mean is if I want grace than like the quote says a void must be there so I can learn grace and most of all I have to accept that void. If I want faith than I must be taken through a dark tunnel where I can not see a thing to acquire it. Saying you possess a certain quality is one thing since as humans we can say pretty much anything we want but taking actions that show you possess those qualities is what I hope to be able to accomplish in my everyday life.

To be able to do that I have to surrender and accept I am powerless to circumstances but not to how I react to them and have faith that all of these journeys are for the benefit of my existence on earth and for my growth. Even if it takes a long time to find my way to where I am meant to go. Slowly has been the lesson this time around. Don't rush. Breathe. One day before you know it you will open your eyes and grace will reside in your heart again because your faith that it would led you there. Which leads me to where I am today.

Spring has arrived and so will Grace, literally. Yes my friend is naming her baby girl Grace. AMAZING! Simply because I believe existence to be AMAZING! When she told me so many things came to mind. First of all there it was again, Grace. Then I thought of how my friends have been my saving grace these past few months and finally I dreamt of the day I can look into my own child's eyes and say thank you, you're my saving grace. ;-) I'd like to believe that my birth father is handling that one wherever he is. It's like I told my sister when I was home recently, I think he can now do for us what he never could when he was alive. He's rooting for us.

I believe he is now part of that magic that helps create circumstances that have people believing it is not possible or just a simple coincidence. I believe him and Neil are now part of the team that make the inexplicable a possibility here on earth. The kind of stuff that no matter how much we try to understand with human logic we never will. It's magic. ;-) The same magic that I believe they conjured up when I sat here typing crying my eyes out finishing a blog in immense sadness the phone rang and on the other end was the woman who has been guiding me through this transition. They crossed our paths right on time. Kate will forever hold a special place in my heart. Next week our sessions end and with that end I face a lot of things that have led me to an Entirely New Beginning. I feel like letting Neil go and accepting what is has arrived. Silly but I kept thinking that somehow he'd be back eventually in human form and that this past Monday as I flew back to LA and Millie blew out her three year birthday candles he'd somehow reappear.

However in my session this week I fell apart overwhelmed by the date I flew back on and its significance which also brought up a lot as I had just been home with my family, a place I felt he deserved to be at as well, with his. By the end of the session something came over me. Something I knew I had known before. Acceptance of what is not what I wish was showed itself once more accompanied by grace. I accepted out loud that he was not here and that I could move on now. That he would not be mad at me for it. I believe he knows my dad now. While I have struggled to believe Neil's departure was in his best interest because of the life my dad led I believe he is once and for all in the arms of grace and that his journey there was quite a long one.

As a society we are often taught to hide our emotions because they make us weak. As the young man on the flight taught me earlier this week, our emotions make us that which we can not help but be and that which we were created to be, human. I faced mine, feared being consumed by them and loosing who I had worked so hard let myself be and as I get ready to say thank you for holding my hand through this to Kate and walk away from the transition she helped endure these words come to mind "T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear and Grace, my fears relieved. How precious did that Grace appear the hour I first BELIEVED." I believe with all my heart and soul that by the grace of God I will endure whatever this beautiful journey guides me to and through because there is one thing I believe more than anything in the world, I am never alone. Since I chose to walk the road God led me on and face my fears slowly I have fallen back into the arms of grace. After all I have to walk by the museum of death to get to my therapy every week and as I see it there is life yet again showing me that I am capable of much more than I ever thought I was. May your journey lead you gracefully home.

The sweet taste of surrendering.

For over a week now I've been thinking about surrender and today 34,000 feet in the air on my return flight to Los Angeles I found its true meaning. There is no greater place to practice surrendering than somewhere where you are completely powerless. Yes I can try and play captain but the truth is I am not remotely qualified to guide this flight anywhere and in accepting that knowledge lies the opportunity to surrender and taste the sweetness of it, which comes from trusting God and the universe with whom they've elected to guide us home. Sounds quite simple as I write it doesn't it? Now let me you how I reached that point.

All day I've been anxious. For years I had flight anxiety and the more I flew and worked on my fears in therapy the less anxiety was present. Then in 2006 when my indie company took off and I found myself having to travel to NY a few times that year and then to different places when we toured with the play the anxiety disappeared. I had no trouble getting on a plane. I can recall like it was yesterday as I flew across the ocean on my way to Rome that we got tossed around and thrown down pretty badly by the winds, the initial fear was followed by the sweet taste of surrender. There was not a thing I could do and there was no better place to practice the faith I constantly claim to possess than in that moment.

So today as anxiety took over me, still reeling from the sudden loss of Neil and my birth father, I looked around for an aisle seat as I feared I needed access to an easy escape. As the stewardess explained the emergency procedure I looked for the emergency exits and as the plane flew into the air I did the cross. Something I always do but this time it was based in fear not gratitude. When I get to the other side of fear, faith, and do it in gratitude I realize what a magical thing it is to be able to fly.

As we went into the air I prayed to be relieved of this anxiety. Who wants to spend three hours in nothing but fear. As I turned to my right to look out the window my saving grace revealed itself. I had hoped to sit next to someone who would calm my fears but as fate would have it the grace I longed desperately to receive I would become. The young man sitting next to me began asking the women behind us if the flight to Los Angeles was bumpy. As she began to explain to him about the Santa Ana winds he looked over at me in complete fear. I looked him in the eye and told him with absolute confidence that he was fine. I went on to explain what my brother, who is a pilot, had explained to me. Turbulence he had told me, was like a bump in the road. Think of driving your car and all of the sudden you hit a pothole or uneven pavement, that is what turbulence is to the plane, a bump in the road. He looked at me and smiled and I hoped to have calmed some of his fear as he said he was hyperventilating.

I believe that the big difference for us passengers is that when we fly we have no control over the steering wheel yet when we drive we are under the illusion that we are in control because we can move the wheel. If I am to look at the big picture and I always do, in either scenario we aren't fully in control, we can only do so much. That is why when I choose to surrender the taste is sweet. It's in surrendering to the powerlessness I have in the big picture that allows grace to come over me. In his fear I was reflected and that is how he became my saving grace and catapulted me into the calm that took over me once I chose faith. It felt perhaps like what a mother feels when she protects her children. I felt compelled to watch over him the entire flight.

Every time the captain spoke he took off his headphones and looked at me asking in panic what was being said. When the seat belt sign went back on he looked at me and when we hit some pretty bad turbulence what I anticipated may happen did. He reached out for my hand and I held it tightly. He smiled at me and I offered him some of my chamomile tea which I always carry and which is great for calming our nerves. He ended up drinking two cups. Every time he smiled at me nervously I could see myself in his eyes and who I had been all day until we crossed paths. I realized it's not death I fear. It's not being able to say goodbye and thank you to everyone I love that saddens me and fills me with fear. The thought of here today gone tomorrow without doing all I had hoped for and said all I had hoped for is what was producing this anxiety but the greatest gift was boarding that plane and not letting the fear win. After all I had a fly anytime on any flight ticket so I had an out.

Once again by living this experience I saw how fear can take the joy out of living. After all we flew across the country on plane in the clouds! I am so grateful to be sitting next to him today because I know he came to teach me how much power and beauty lies in faith and how much better I feel when I am engulfed by the light of faith than consumed by the flames of fear. As I endure another two hours I have a feeling I'll be looking is way again. At some point after we land I will take the time to tell him how he touched my life and helped me. I will tell him how he became my saving grace which is why I will call him Savior. ;-) May your journey allow you to find the grace that comes from surrendering in faith to the unknown while holding all hope that all is as it should be.


P.S. all songs usually reflect lyrically what I feel. While this one almost does I have to say that the line, "where every step I took in faith betrayed me", actually betrays my true feelings. While I may not always understand why I end up where I do or grow through what I do I continue to have absolute FAITH that it is ultimately in the best interest of my growth on this journey, this time around. ;-) By the way he was a six foot mid to late twenties man. What I loved the most was how vulnerable he allowed himself to be. How human of him. ;-)