The sweet taste of surrendering.

For over a week now I've been thinking about surrender and today 34,000 feet in the air on my return flight to Los Angeles I found its true meaning. There is no greater place to practice surrendering than somewhere where you are completely powerless. Yes I can try and play captain but the truth is I am not remotely qualified to guide this flight anywhere and in accepting that knowledge lies the opportunity to surrender and taste the sweetness of it, which comes from trusting God and the universe with whom they've elected to guide us home. Sounds quite simple as I write it doesn't it? Now let me you how I reached that point.

All day I've been anxious. For years I had flight anxiety and the more I flew and worked on my fears in therapy the less anxiety was present. Then in 2006 when my indie company took off and I found myself having to travel to NY a few times that year and then to different places when we toured with the play the anxiety disappeared. I had no trouble getting on a plane. I can recall like it was yesterday as I flew across the ocean on my way to Rome that we got tossed around and thrown down pretty badly by the winds, the initial fear was followed by the sweet taste of surrender. There was not a thing I could do and there was no better place to practice the faith I constantly claim to possess than in that moment.

So today as anxiety took over me, still reeling from the sudden loss of Neil and my birth father, I looked around for an aisle seat as I feared I needed access to an easy escape. As the stewardess explained the emergency procedure I looked for the emergency exits and as the plane flew into the air I did the cross. Something I always do but this time it was based in fear not gratitude. When I get to the other side of fear, faith, and do it in gratitude I realize what a magical thing it is to be able to fly.

As we went into the air I prayed to be relieved of this anxiety. Who wants to spend three hours in nothing but fear. As I turned to my right to look out the window my saving grace revealed itself. I had hoped to sit next to someone who would calm my fears but as fate would have it the grace I longed desperately to receive I would become. The young man sitting next to me began asking the women behind us if the flight to Los Angeles was bumpy. As she began to explain to him about the Santa Ana winds he looked over at me in complete fear. I looked him in the eye and told him with absolute confidence that he was fine. I went on to explain what my brother, who is a pilot, had explained to me. Turbulence he had told me, was like a bump in the road. Think of driving your car and all of the sudden you hit a pothole or uneven pavement, that is what turbulence is to the plane, a bump in the road. He looked at me and smiled and I hoped to have calmed some of his fear as he said he was hyperventilating.

I believe that the big difference for us passengers is that when we fly we have no control over the steering wheel yet when we drive we are under the illusion that we are in control because we can move the wheel. If I am to look at the big picture and I always do, in either scenario we aren't fully in control, we can only do so much. That is why when I choose to surrender the taste is sweet. It's in surrendering to the powerlessness I have in the big picture that allows grace to come over me. In his fear I was reflected and that is how he became my saving grace and catapulted me into the calm that took over me once I chose faith. It felt perhaps like what a mother feels when she protects her children. I felt compelled to watch over him the entire flight.

Every time the captain spoke he took off his headphones and looked at me asking in panic what was being said. When the seat belt sign went back on he looked at me and when we hit some pretty bad turbulence what I anticipated may happen did. He reached out for my hand and I held it tightly. He smiled at me and I offered him some of my chamomile tea which I always carry and which is great for calming our nerves. He ended up drinking two cups. Every time he smiled at me nervously I could see myself in his eyes and who I had been all day until we crossed paths. I realized it's not death I fear. It's not being able to say goodbye and thank you to everyone I love that saddens me and fills me with fear. The thought of here today gone tomorrow without doing all I had hoped for and said all I had hoped for is what was producing this anxiety but the greatest gift was boarding that plane and not letting the fear win. After all I had a fly anytime on any flight ticket so I had an out.

Once again by living this experience I saw how fear can take the joy out of living. After all we flew across the country on plane in the clouds! I am so grateful to be sitting next to him today because I know he came to teach me how much power and beauty lies in faith and how much better I feel when I am engulfed by the light of faith than consumed by the flames of fear. As I endure another two hours I have a feeling I'll be looking is way again. At some point after we land I will take the time to tell him how he touched my life and helped me. I will tell him how he became my saving grace which is why I will call him Savior. ;-) May your journey allow you to find the grace that comes from surrendering in faith to the unknown while holding all hope that all is as it should be.


P.S. all songs usually reflect lyrically what I feel. While this one almost does I have to say that the line, "where every step I took in faith betrayed me", actually betrays my true feelings. While I may not always understand why I end up where I do or grow through what I do I continue to have absolute FAITH that it is ultimately in the best interest of my growth on this journey, this time around. ;-) By the way he was a six foot mid to late twenties man. What I loved the most was how vulnerable he allowed himself to be. How human of him. ;-)