I took last week as a sign that maybe I couldn't commit to twelve weeks right now as my work needs my attention but as usual something kept nagging at me to go today. I know myself well enough to know that if I don't listen to myself I regret it. I have learned to trust myself and my gut instinct. While the fear of too much sadness and pain in one room tried to keep me away my gut knew I needed to be there for what I gained tonight was far more precious than I could have imagined.
Kate concluded at the end of our session last week that what was very present for me was the need to love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally. Most of all to be accepted for who I am. Without getting too personal of course it was traced back to my father leaving when I was young. Something I thought I'd dealt with in my first go at therapy in 2002 only to find it resurface with his passing. With Neil the only friend I had in common was no longer a friend when Neil passed so I was left to mourn alone. When my dad passed because of the circumstances I was left to mourn him alone as well. I had been the only one to speak to him in the family two years ago and twenty-four years after he left. No one in my family could identify with what I was feeling. While some of my friends got to know Neil on our last shoot no one knew him like I did therefore making it difficult for them to comprehend my pain. All my friends have done an AMAZING job at being there for me but not one could look me in the eye and see what people saw tonight.
As you may know I don't believe in coincidences. All of us in the group tonight who had lost our fathers, had seen them pass in January. Some January of last year, some of this year like me but all of them in January. Sitting there in the circle I understood why Kate had asked me to go and why I had felt the urge to overcome my fear of the room being depressing and just show up and let it be. That is what I received the most tonight. A place to just let it be, where all of us could comprehend each other's anger, sadness, and fears. Someone would speak of denial and we would all shake our heads in agreement. Someone would speak of still being able to feel the person's presence and we would shake our heads in agreement. I was finally getting what I longed for, a place to let myself be and others in the room knew exactly what I felt and why I felt it.
The thought of it sounds crazy with all that lies ahead for me in the coming months but I've decided to commit to the twelve week session. Only God knows what lies ahead but Kate was right went she told me last week as our sessions ended, "Your grief won't be gone Adriana, it will now take a different form". While it no longer overwhelms me I am beyond grateful that I now have a place where I can go and just let it be.
This was our closing poem tonight and I thought you should see it. I've reached the second half of the poem since it's been six months since Neil's passing and three months since my father's. Some days I do feel extremely guilty that I am still here LIVING but sometimes I wonder if they aren't the lucky ones. Maybe they are in a place far more magical than this one. For now I am just grateful that slowly I am learning that, It's alright to LOVE AGAIN! I know my heart will break again but I also know there isn't anything I can't grow through as life is constantly teaching me.
For those of you who can't read tiny writing see below. ;-)WHEN YOU ARE BEREAVED, IT IS ALRIGHT TO ...
Scream in the shower; yell in the car;
Howl at the moon; cry anywhere you like;
Misplace your glasses; lose the car;
Forget your own name;
Put milk in the cupboard, toilet paper in the refrigerator and ice cream in the oven;
Beat up a pillow; stomp on the ground;
Throw stones in a lake; change grocery stores if it hurts;
Wear one black shoe and one navy; have tear stains on your tie;
Eat French fries for breakfast, toast for lunch and peanut butter for dinner (as long as you can eat);
Write her a letter or bake him a cake.
Celebrate her life on her birthday;
Talk to your pets (they understand);
Leave his room the way it is for as long as you like;
Say her name just to hear the sound;
Talk about him to others. Tell loved ones what you need;
Say no when you feel like it; cancel plans if you want,
and Have a bad day.
AND ONE DAY WHEN YOU'RE READY, IT'S ALRIGHT TO ...
Laugh again; Dance and feel good;
Have a good time;
Look forward to tomorrow
Sing in the shower;
Smile at a friend's new baby;
Wear make-up once more;
Go for a day, a week - and even a month without crying;
Celebrate the holidays;
Forgive those who failed you;
Learn something new;
Look at her pictures and remember with happiness, no pain;
Go on with your life;
And cherish the memories.
And one day when it's time,
it's all right to love again.
- Vicki Tushingham
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