Residing in the land of God.

My heart is breaking right now for so many reasons. Obvious ones like Neil's family being without him tomorrow, Father's day, for the first time. All my dad's children, twelve to be exact, without him for the first time tomorrow and me coming to terms with everything. However right now a certain subject matter has resided over the sadness that resides in me today. It is not a debilitating sadness that won't allow me to move. On the contrary it is a sadness that makes me want to be me more and express myself more so today I choose to take this sadness and turn into words I hope will speak to your heart as well.

I have since I can recall never been a fan of labels or degrading people and always uncomfortable around gossip struggling to find the words to tell the person speaking that if that person they speak of wanted me to know they would have told me themselves. Thanks to this journey of mine, which has created me as a Mexican American woman I even went on to produce a play about humanity for humanity and the importance of equality. I am blessed to be surrounded by open minded people with good hearts no wait AMAZING hearts! It is rare that I hear remarks against my race and since people can't tell what I am the times I have heard them they have been without people knowing a Mexican was in the room. Using the word that describes my ethnicity as it were an insult. Something so far from the truth for me. I feel blessed to be fortunate enough to be from two countries and speak to languages. Grateful for what each one has taught me. When I won the award for my play I was interviewed by Mexicans and Americans Thinking Together.

SPANISH VERSION

ENGLISH VERSION


If life has taught me anything it's that I should use my voice not to speak against that which goes against what I believe but simply speak my belief. So when I ran across a junior high school friend's post on Facebook this week titled Awesome and linked to, “Why Aren’t You Speaking English?”
, my heart broke to say the least when I went to the link and read the article. It continued to break as I read people's comments. Thinking I would find my sadness echoed by those online reading it and posting comments proved wrong as everyone on there was making harsh comments to say the least. However I believe they are entitled to their opinion as well so I read as much as I could and then I had to come and do what I can do. Not get angry and blast them on that same page but simply share with you, whoever you may be, my belief.

I am under the belief that I reside in the land of God. I don't think I own it, I don't think I own anything for that matter. I am here as a visitor passing through experiencing the magic that is called planet Earth. With that knowledge comes the desire to experience all things and all situations as they are. Working hard everyday to accept what is. When I see a person I see a soul and if their essence goes against me I slide into compassion for I know NOTHING absolutely NOTHING about what it is like to walk in their shoes. Not something I perfect but something I work hard everyday to do. While I believe Senator Chris Harris is allowed to voice his thoughts of what this person should be doing in what he considers his country I would just like to state my belief.

I live in the land of God and to me that means tolerance for everyone regardless of where you stand literally and metaphorically. Tolerance. Hmm.....always a gift bestowed by God. More commonly known to me as the Grace of God. I am using a word that can sometimes upset people, God, but let me take a moment to clarify that it is a God of my understanding. A God who created all of us just as we are. A God who gave us lives that will take us on a journey, which only the individual living it will know the depth of it and their reason for being. So Senator Harris only you know the depth of your importance for wanting Antolin Aguirre to speak English and only Antonlin Aguirre knows the depth of importance why he desired to speak Spanish. If we play this card everywhere we go, the card of expectation, than I fear for all of us as a human race. I fear that imposing your beliefs on others is what keeps separating us as a race. I believe that the less we look at life through the eyes of God with love and tolerance and more through the eyes of fear the less we will grow as a race.

Lucky for me for every person on that article's comment page I believe there are ten like me wanting LOVE to be the way of the world. Spreading compassion through actions and words. I see it around me. Last weekend as I went to see my friend Michael's one man show, The Sum of my Parts,
at the Los Angeles Fringe Festival I sat through a ride of emotions that made me grateful to know such a beautiful soul. In his show he took his monologue which he performed in my play and turned it into a one man show taking you on the journey of what is like growing up being a gay man. Here's a sample.


I encourage everyone to see this show. It's worth more than the ten bucks it costs to get in. Don't just take my word for it read this review.
When he shares his story about Libby, his only real friend while attending school in Santa Fe, my heart broke for all he went through. Why, I question do we still live in a time when something that doesn't fit the box we want to put it in have to be attacked and destroyed with actions and words. Why would anyone want to hurt such a beautiful soul? It pains me to know there are people out there struggling to be themselves because of our egos. I believe ego is what allows us to act out in fear and use words or actions to belittle that, which a society conditioned mind can not comprehend. So I ask you to see his show not only to support the arts but most of all to open your heart. My dream for the world is tolerance and compassion. What a wonderful world it would be if we could all look at each other through the eyes of God. Eyes that are part of such a BIG no HUGE heart they carry through them love, compassion, and tolerance.

Perhaps I am a fool or naive to others as people will see the world as they are not as it is but to me I am a proud Mexican American woman hopeful that someday people will see me and others for who I am and not what I am. I will continue to imagine that this day will come and while it may not happen while I exist here on Earth I hope that I can plant the seed for others to keep voicing beliefs that support equality, tolerance and compassion. In a way that time is now for me since after all I reside in the land of God, a God of my understanding, and a land where my choices make all the difference.


P.S. This week I also witnessed an act of domestic violence in public. I couldn't stand by and do nothing. So I stood by her side until he left, asked her to sit and waited for the store manager to come help her. Things happen all around us everyday that require we use our voice. Please take a look at what GLAMOUR is doing to help this kind of situation and please lend a hand when you can!

Stumbling gracefully towards the light.

I believe that stumbling gracefully is a contradiction but according to my amazingly sweet and beautiful friends it is not. Apparently their perception is that it is a quality I possess. An ability to gracefully grow through this breakthrough not to be confused with what is more commonly labeled as a breakdown, even as I stumble. If you turn off the lights it gets dark and you can't see where you are going but if you follow your heart you find your way through, each time, it never fails. This I know from experience. I am not falling apart unable to get up again I am gracefully stumbling my way towards the light, which means I am choosing to stay in the darkness carefully making my way through this process. A process I trust will allow me to see the light when it is time. It's like I told those who have become my grief family aka group therapy, I feel like that quote from Mother Teresa these days, "I know God doesn't give me anything I can't handle I just wish God didn't trust me so much". Not that I have always been so calm about it all as I've had three different occasions where I tried to Eat Pray Love my way out of this. First stop Hawaii, where I hope to elope someday, second stop Paris and finally ending in my favorite city Rome. ;-) Instead I've stayed put dealing with what life has asked of me these days.

It's been a rough couple of weeks but particularly the last. I am not a stranger to the fact that a particular upcoming day, father's day, may be to blame for the non-stop roller coaster of emotions I am currently on. Like I said tonight in therapy, some days it just comes out of nowhere. Not only am I dealing with the loss of a father who was never able to be a father but everything in my life seems to be unraveling all at once. Each day with each new string come undone I say a prayer first of gratitude for being alive to see the moment and then I ask for courage to continue on. Today for the first time I asked God for forgiveness. Maybe not for the first time but definitely for the first time in a long time. I asked God to forgive me for allowing the pain I am in to overwhelm me. Things have happened that show me just how much pain I am in and I momentarily loose balance. God has told me I have no need to apologize in case you're wondering. ;-)

While making a commitment to take better care of myself has meant once again to eliminate soda from my diet, which I believe contributed to my weakness, I also believe the emotions I am experiencing caused me to not be able to finish dance class for the first time in a long time and not finish spin class for the first time since I went back. Gather I only had one song left in spin but my body was asking me very clearly to stop. I didn't want to because as long as I keep moving I can keep the thoughts from coming and the pain from taking over. As soon as I slowed down in spin my mind had time to instill fear in me by asking me "what if I am dying and that is why I can not finish class?" Yes sadly death, even though it's been five months since my father's passing and a few days shy from nine months since Neil passed, is still a constant companion. I was able to laugh at myself well because I've been dying since the day I was born so duh the answer is yes you are dying but I highly doubt that is why you can't finish class. Try more along the lines of processing the emotions means slowing down and allowing them to make their way through and out of your system. That is why you are weak. You are processing A LOT! Things I know and things fear can always temporarily make me forget.

With every ounce of my being I believe that just as this caterpillar begins to feel the world is over I will become a butterfly. It's just not time and that I have to accept, for in time lies the answer. I know that if I try to make things happen on my time everything will blow up in my face. As much as I wish the strings that are my life were being woven in to a beautiful pattern NOW I know that the past has to come undone first for the entirely new beginning/pattern that I am being guided to through this entirely new direction, can arrive. Like Po I have some battles to endure before I win the war by making my way through it, facing the past and achieving inner peace. The biggest one being coming to terms with being my father's daughter. Meaning being the daughter of a father who was not able to be what is defined as a father. "Remember dragon warrior when you follow the noble path anything is possible." Kung Fu Panda

Who knew Kung Fu Panda would be part of my recovery through this journey? Trust me this one and the first one carry deep beautiful messages. Films I hope my kids can see someday as they are released as classics. At the speed technology moves these days it's to be expected. ;-)

So as I continue stumbling my way through these current circumstances, which are out of my control and to be honest quite painful I continue to see what a beautiful planet we inhabit and how magical each breath is. I am blessed to have learned to live as I believe and in doing so I create a reality, which allows me to not be devoured by these current circumstances and deprive me of the gift of the present, LIFE. A life I choose to live as each day. As I see it I can choose to give up or I can choose to go on. I will go on as best as I can each day trusting this process because every part of me holds the desire to trust in the beauty of the unknown. Dad this is between you and me and only you will get this. Thank you for the light you are sending. It's stunning. It's eyes show me just how beautiful life is about to get! See you in my dreams as I continue to stumble gracefully towards the light I trust I have this light to look forward to among many other things. Thanks for allowing this hurricane to land in his arms. Mahalo!

P.S. Dad please say hi to Neil and grandpa and please tell Neil I miss him and I am praying for Liz and Millie as they spend their first father's day without him. Sending them all the love in the universe!