Stumbling gracefully towards the light.

I believe that stumbling gracefully is a contradiction but according to my amazingly sweet and beautiful friends it is not. Apparently their perception is that it is a quality I possess. An ability to gracefully grow through this breakthrough not to be confused with what is more commonly labeled as a breakdown, even as I stumble. If you turn off the lights it gets dark and you can't see where you are going but if you follow your heart you find your way through, each time, it never fails. This I know from experience. I am not falling apart unable to get up again I am gracefully stumbling my way towards the light, which means I am choosing to stay in the darkness carefully making my way through this process. A process I trust will allow me to see the light when it is time. It's like I told those who have become my grief family aka group therapy, I feel like that quote from Mother Teresa these days, "I know God doesn't give me anything I can't handle I just wish God didn't trust me so much". Not that I have always been so calm about it all as I've had three different occasions where I tried to Eat Pray Love my way out of this. First stop Hawaii, where I hope to elope someday, second stop Paris and finally ending in my favorite city Rome. ;-) Instead I've stayed put dealing with what life has asked of me these days.

It's been a rough couple of weeks but particularly the last. I am not a stranger to the fact that a particular upcoming day, father's day, may be to blame for the non-stop roller coaster of emotions I am currently on. Like I said tonight in therapy, some days it just comes out of nowhere. Not only am I dealing with the loss of a father who was never able to be a father but everything in my life seems to be unraveling all at once. Each day with each new string come undone I say a prayer first of gratitude for being alive to see the moment and then I ask for courage to continue on. Today for the first time I asked God for forgiveness. Maybe not for the first time but definitely for the first time in a long time. I asked God to forgive me for allowing the pain I am in to overwhelm me. Things have happened that show me just how much pain I am in and I momentarily loose balance. God has told me I have no need to apologize in case you're wondering. ;-)

While making a commitment to take better care of myself has meant once again to eliminate soda from my diet, which I believe contributed to my weakness, I also believe the emotions I am experiencing caused me to not be able to finish dance class for the first time in a long time and not finish spin class for the first time since I went back. Gather I only had one song left in spin but my body was asking me very clearly to stop. I didn't want to because as long as I keep moving I can keep the thoughts from coming and the pain from taking over. As soon as I slowed down in spin my mind had time to instill fear in me by asking me "what if I am dying and that is why I can not finish class?" Yes sadly death, even though it's been five months since my father's passing and a few days shy from nine months since Neil passed, is still a constant companion. I was able to laugh at myself well because I've been dying since the day I was born so duh the answer is yes you are dying but I highly doubt that is why you can't finish class. Try more along the lines of processing the emotions means slowing down and allowing them to make their way through and out of your system. That is why you are weak. You are processing A LOT! Things I know and things fear can always temporarily make me forget.

With every ounce of my being I believe that just as this caterpillar begins to feel the world is over I will become a butterfly. It's just not time and that I have to accept, for in time lies the answer. I know that if I try to make things happen on my time everything will blow up in my face. As much as I wish the strings that are my life were being woven in to a beautiful pattern NOW I know that the past has to come undone first for the entirely new beginning/pattern that I am being guided to through this entirely new direction, can arrive. Like Po I have some battles to endure before I win the war by making my way through it, facing the past and achieving inner peace. The biggest one being coming to terms with being my father's daughter. Meaning being the daughter of a father who was not able to be what is defined as a father. "Remember dragon warrior when you follow the noble path anything is possible." Kung Fu Panda

Who knew Kung Fu Panda would be part of my recovery through this journey? Trust me this one and the first one carry deep beautiful messages. Films I hope my kids can see someday as they are released as classics. At the speed technology moves these days it's to be expected. ;-)

So as I continue stumbling my way through these current circumstances, which are out of my control and to be honest quite painful I continue to see what a beautiful planet we inhabit and how magical each breath is. I am blessed to have learned to live as I believe and in doing so I create a reality, which allows me to not be devoured by these current circumstances and deprive me of the gift of the present, LIFE. A life I choose to live as each day. As I see it I can choose to give up or I can choose to go on. I will go on as best as I can each day trusting this process because every part of me holds the desire to trust in the beauty of the unknown. Dad this is between you and me and only you will get this. Thank you for the light you are sending. It's stunning. It's eyes show me just how beautiful life is about to get! See you in my dreams as I continue to stumble gracefully towards the light I trust I have this light to look forward to among many other things. Thanks for allowing this hurricane to land in his arms. Mahalo!

P.S. Dad please say hi to Neil and grandpa and please tell Neil I miss him and I am praying for Liz and Millie as they spend their first father's day without him. Sending them all the love in the universe!