The tie that binds us.

I have learned from all my experiences in the past years since my late twenties when awareness opened my eyes through my heart and my life changed in the best of ways that the tie that binds us and that none of us can escape is being human. I don't care how much society tries to impose separation on us with their opinions on our economic status, their imposed ideas of what beautiful is, and the supposed importance of a job title. The bottom line is you cut all of us we all bleed. Carrying this belief in my heart is what allows me to see through to the soul of any being often arriving at compassion for them even if sometimes it takes me longer than I would like. After all in my view of the world we are all God's children regardless of whether we value it or not. We are made from the same source whatever you choose to call it.

I've grown so much in my belief that God can be one of my understanding and not the only the one imposed by the beliefs that reared me in childhood that I have no problem saying God. I also realize whatever you believe God to be is how you will take the mention of God in my words and if there is one thing I know is that people see the world as they are not as it is. No changing that for them. If change is ever to come about it has to be voluntarily. Thank God for all the dark tunnels that have allowed me to travel through them granting me the ability to arrive at such a conclusion.

I've arrived at many conclusions thanks to the darkness I've endured of such journies, which I get detoured to travel through when I least expect it. With this knowledge in my heart I was able to turn to the stranger I crossed paths with on Friday and ask her what was wrong as she cried while trying to eat her meal. The best part of this is that I had no intention of going to such place but at the last minute thought to myself I haven't been in a while, why not? As usual it turns out what compelled me to head in that direction held a bigger purpose than I could have imagined. She turned to me, this woman of about early fifties, and said I'm okay. I didn't reply I just looked at her hoping she would feel a presence that would allow her to open up as it was clear she was not okay. Within minutes she began to tell me her story and all I could think of was, wow wise all knowing you did it again. ;-) You brought me exactly to where you needed me to be to serve a purpose.

She told me they had found a lump in her daughter's breast and that she was only 31, a single mom and did not deserve this. She told me that if her daughter had been a bad person she would understand but this what not fair. I could see and feel the presence of the agonizing fear that was consuming her. It was not lecture time nor my place to do so, so I avoided telling her one of my strongest beliefs, life happens on its terms and it's how we react to it that matters. I didn't think her daughter was a victim of circumstance. I believed her daughter was just about to learn the depth of her faith, possibly grow in it. Instead I shared with her what I realized had caused our paths to cross, my story. I told her I had just come from my third breast exam as there was something that kept bothering me. I told her how the doctor advised me to come at certain times and do certain things just to be sure and in conclusion I was fine. As she mentioned that her daughter's lump may be a cyst I told her that was what mine turned out to be. I looked her straight in the eye and told her it would be okay. I don't know what the outcome will be but I know no matter what we endure we are always okay and in moments like these I realize how valuable we are to one another as we walk on growing through life.

I didn't share with her that since the loss of Neil and my dad I had self diagnosed myself with breast cancer and a potential heart problem due to pre-existing conditions in myself and family. That immediately after Neil's passing I had a heart test done to reassure me that the stress induced premature heartbeat I had in 2008 was no longer a part of me nor was there anything else there I was unaware of. Neil died of heart disease at thirty-eight and my dad of a heart attack in his sleep. I didn't share that the cancer thoughts crept in after witnessing it in someone else close to me and living through the radiation treatments with them last year. More than anything the knowledge that things can change drastically at any moment was what was engulfing my mind and producing such worry. I also knew that was what she may be going through. Her world as she knew it could change and perhaps it was this change that was producing her mind to take over and give way to her sad eyes and tears. This was the tie the was binding us, the one of potential change in a way that would test our faith as we knew it. One that I have been enduring for a while now and I feel blessed to say has only brought me closer to my understanding of God.

This I know all to well as I feel I have been growing through some pretty intense things, which I choose to believe are leading me to a breakthrough like they have in the past. As we continued to converse she began to calm down and I asked her daughter's name. I told her I would pray for her. Then I asked her name so I could pray for the both of them. As I gathered my things to leave I went over to her table and asked her if I could hug her. She smiled and said she was going to ask me the same thing. I held her tight and told her it would all be okay. She looked me in the eyes asked my name and said she would be praying for me to. Little did she know how much I need those prayers too and that in my view of the world our crossing of paths was no coincidence. To me this was a reminder of the wonderful ways the universe guides us to realize how tied we are by the experiences being human entail.

This crossing of paths made my day because I can see so clearly what the universe is allowing me to live by slowing me down to heal. I would like to be in Austin now shooting my film and just as one piece falls into place, another falls out. I can smile at it now because my relationship with timing, the universe and most of all God is the strongest it's ever been due to all I've been blessed to live. Dark and full of light moments, tunnel or end of the tunnel ride, I take them both as I need them both. They ultimately are a link of the chain of events that are carefully guiding me into the what next that I am being prepared for. Slowly but surely continues to be the pace I am being asked to take. Somedays I don't want to but then I swing my chair around look at everything that fills my office and I am reminded of the miracles that are born of faith when I choose to listen to my God compass and nothing or no one else that tries to make me believe my carefully guided path is wrong.

I am being prepared to become Esperanza in "Bearing Fruit" at a much slower pace than I anticipated but it is in moments like crossing paths with this woman Friday that reassure me everything and I mean everything thing to the smallest detail has a purpose in my life and is making me Esperanza if I choose to see it. The one thing that stands out, which the character of Esperanza and I share in common and is the tie that binds us is loss. For now I am feeling my way through the loss, enduring the constant detours and once again taking care of myself. I had forgotten what it was like to make sure I came first so I could deal with all that I am being guided to grow through. Luckily for me God and the universe saw this and starting guiding me back to me. Luckily for them I saw the signs and acted upon them.

I am back in spin classes, which about five years ago where a regular part of my life to keep me heart healthy. I am back in dance three times a week, which make my soul happy! Most of all I am staying for the full twelve weeks of group therapy for those who lost loved ones and then continuing with my journey to Bear Fruit. For every dark day I experience as thoughts of all the loss take over me, I have twenty- eight bright ones! It is getting better and better. God continues to allow me to cross paths with people who in one way or another inspire me to keep moving forward!

Today in spin class a song came over me that reminded me of the importance of living for today. Something thoughts of Neil and my dad constantly remind me of. As the song suggested I lost myself in it, closed my eyes and visualized myself making it through the darkness to light once again. I lost myself in the music the rhythm of my heart is playing these days. Music whose sounds exude gratitude for the ability to be bound to all of you through this beautiful journey called LIFE where we get one shot to LIVE! It's not a dress rehearsal folks so may you allow your current link to be a part of the chain of events that are leading you to the magnificent destiny that awaits you, which can only be fulfilled by you. LOOSE YOURSELF IN YOUR MUSIC OF THIS BEAUTIFUL MYSTERIOUS GIFT CALLED LIFE!