Taking a walk with my father.

Since my father's passing I have been unable to do something that truly feeds my soul, hike. I've been a few times but I can count them on one hand and I used to go at least four times a week. Some people go to church, I hike. I am most connected to my understanding of God when I hike. When Neil passed I was going with a friend to watch the sunrise but when that stopped it became easy for me to find excuses not to go. The truth is that is the only way I can see and speak to Neil and my dad now, in the spiritual realm. Going meant admitting that I wouldn't physically see them again.

Inspired by the most beautiful of brunches Sunday with the most beautiful of people I decided I needed to head back, no excuses. So when I rose Monday morning to find myself feeling ill I was so bummed. I decided to do something I rarely do, which not doing used to cause fights with my ex because he couldn't believe I just wouldn't take medicine when in pain, I took two advil and headed for my hike. As I began I heard myself saying take the road less traveled you will be fine. I had avoided a certain trail because I had rarely gone and I needed or so I felt, be in better shape to hike it. As I began I told myself slowly but surely stop when you need to. I promised myself I would and so I did.

When I would stop I would look out to the gorgeous LA day and realize how grateful I was for being there and how much I missed it! I began to cry and I knew exactly why. I thought what if anyone sees me and than I thought who cares! Then I did something very unexpected I asked my dad to come take a walk with me. As I continued upwards I imagined his arm around me and I leaned my head on his shoulder. Something I never did when he was alive. I continue to believe he can now be a part of my life in ways he never could before. This walk would explain why he was in my dream last night. He was alive, very alive in my dream and for some reason that scared me and woke me. Maybe next time I will stick around past the fear to see what he has to say.

As I reached the top and looked out onto Los Angeles I was grateful for what I was feeling and I let the tears flow. It felt right. The rest of the way I told myself to take it in and be present. Again slowly but surely. I met some great teachers along my hike. Two young men were shouting their conversation and it included talk of drugs etc. taking me completely out of where I was. So they came to teach me to stay in the moment and be still. Most of all, patience! ;-) As I made my way to the end of the trail I stopped where I always do. There is a cliff where I stop and chat with God. As I began to apologize with guilt for my recent lack of trust and being lost and unable to see the signs I heard the following.

"You are not lost, you are exactly where you are supposed to be in faith and trust which is why doubt befriends you less these days. You are trusting that the unknown is leading you towards all the good that awaits you like it has in the past even if the road there has poor visibility. That once again when you are ready, FAITH will meet your FATE. Getting lost is the best thing that can happen because all that means is you are following the signs and allowing the detours to guide you to the road you are meant to be on."

As you can imagine I cried and was grateful my apology was interrupted! As I accepted my truth which had just been reaffirmed to me the winds began to pick up. That is how I feel God and the universe communicate with me. That is how I believe they let me know they hear me but most of all they SEE me. As I made my way down I learned yet again another valuable lesson. Feeling inspired and forgetting how long it had been since I had run my way down the trail, I ran. As I got close to the exit my right thigh began to shout stop, please stop. So I did. My ego would have wanted me to believe that I had failed and would not succeed at finishing like I longed to but I stopped because I knew better. Based on past experiences I had learned that when you will something the road you create brings about frustration as you don't end up where you wanted to, you end up where you willed on your time instead of waiting for God's time.

So I walked, in pain to say the least, the rest of the way down and got to my car right on time and continued about my day right on time, God's time. The most important thing I took from my hike yesterday was my walk with my father, which brings me to this. At the brunch Sunday Jason sang a song that had me in tears. I looked at my friend Nicole and she was in tears too. While he sang the opening verse I thought wouldn't it have been great if my dad could have rescued me. Then that is when the guilt and sternness came in to remind me that is not the kind of father I had, one I hadn't seen since I was seven was what I had. Then I reminded myself that no matter my past, all that matters is now. I deserve to be rescued, which to me means not coming in and fixing things for me but simply coming into my life to hold my hand while I grow through these situations I call life on life's terms.

I was inspired by Jason's song, Josh's words, "you are worth the adoration"
, the couples who expressed their love for one another, and everyone in that room! As I chatted with Jason we spoke of many things but what I remember most is when we spoke of love and how inspired my chat with him left me and how that poured over into the next day leading me to my hike. I told him all the love in that room had renewed my hope. It's true friends. Every detour, no matter how hard the road on that detour is, is leading me to the road I am meant to be on! Being here instead of Texas like I planned is the detour, which became the road that led me to Sunday, which to me is proof that God, the universe, Neil, and my father are coming to my rescue. They are showing me I am worthy by guiding me to a room filled with more love than one can imagine! Thank you Vince and Nicole for taking my hand and leading me there and everyone there thank you for unknowingly coming to my rescue!

Letting the grief be.

When my six week therapy session ended last week Kate mentioned once again that I should come to group therapy. I stayed away from group therapy because after seeing the trailer for Rabbit Hole I felt like the last thing I could handle was a room of people feeling the same pain I did. All grieving the loss of loved ones. How depressing! However at her request I had tried one session only to find no one there the prior week. I had forgotten it was every two weeks. So as our session ended last week she asked me to try again this week and so tonight I did.

I took last week as a sign that maybe I couldn't commit to twelve weeks right now as my work needs my attention but as usual something kept nagging at me to go today. I know myself well enough to know that if I don't listen to myself I regret it. I have learned to trust myself and my gut instinct. While the fear of too much sadness and pain in one room tried to keep me away my gut knew I needed to be there for what I gained tonight was far more precious than I could have imagined.

Kate concluded at the end of our session last week that what was very present for me was the need to love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally. Most of all to be accepted for who I am. Without getting too personal of course it was traced back to my father leaving when I was young. Something I thought I'd dealt with in my first go at therapy in 2002 only to find it resurface with his passing. With Neil the only friend I had in common was no longer a friend when Neil passed so I was left to mourn alone. When my dad passed because of the circumstances I was left to mourn him alone as well. I had been the only one to speak to him in the family two years ago and twenty-four years after he left. No one in my family could identify with what I was feeling. While some of my friends got to know Neil on our last shoot no one knew him like I did therefore making it difficult for them to comprehend my pain. All my friends have done an AMAZING job at being there for me but not one could look me in the eye and see what people saw tonight.

As you may know I don't believe in coincidences. All of us in the group tonight who had lost our fathers, had seen them pass in January. Some January of last year, some of this year like me but all of them in January. Sitting there in the circle I understood why Kate had asked me to go and why I had felt the urge to overcome my fear of the room being depressing and just show up and let it be. That is what I received the most tonight. A place to just let it be, where all of us could comprehend each other's anger, sadness, and fears. Someone would speak of denial and we would all shake our heads in agreement. Someone would speak of still being able to feel the person's presence and we would shake our heads in agreement. I was finally getting what I longed for, a place to let myself be and others in the room knew exactly what I felt and why I felt it.

The thought of it sounds crazy with all that lies ahead for me in the coming months but I've decided to commit to the twelve week session. Only God knows what lies ahead but Kate was right went she told me last week as our sessions ended, "Your grief won't be gone Adriana, it will now take a different form". While it no longer overwhelms me I am beyond grateful that I now have a place where I can go and just let it be.



This was our closing poem tonight and I thought you should see it. I've reached the second half of the poem since it's been six months since Neil's passing and three months since my father's. Some days I do feel extremely guilty that I am still here LIVING but sometimes I wonder if they aren't the lucky ones. Maybe they are in a place far more magical than this one. For now I am just grateful that slowly I am learning that, It's alright to LOVE AGAIN! I know my heart will break again but I also know there isn't anything I can't grow through as life is constantly teaching me.

For those of you who can't read tiny writing see below. ;-)

WHEN YOU ARE BEREAVED, IT IS ALRIGHT TO ...

Scream in the shower; yell in the car;
Howl at the moon; cry anywhere you like;
Misplace your glasses; lose the car;
Forget your own name;
Put milk in the cupboard, toilet paper in the refrigerator and ice cream in the oven;
Beat up a pillow; stomp on the ground;
Throw stones in a lake; change grocery stores if it hurts;
Wear one black shoe and one navy; have tear stains on your tie;
Eat French fries for breakfast, toast for lunch and peanut butter for dinner (as long as you can eat);
Write her a letter or bake him a cake.
Celebrate her life on her birthday;
Talk to your pets (they understand);
Leave his room the way it is for as long as you like;
Say her name just to hear the sound;
Talk about him to others. Tell loved ones what you need;
Say no when you feel like it; cancel plans if you want,
and Have a bad day.

AND ONE DAY WHEN YOU'RE READY, IT'S ALRIGHT TO ...

Laugh again; Dance and feel good;
Have a good time;
Look forward to tomorrow
Sing in the shower;
Smile at a friend's new baby;
Wear make-up once more;
Go for a day, a week - and even a month without crying;
Celebrate the holidays;
Forgive those who failed you;
Learn something new;
Look at her pictures and remember with happiness, no pain;
Go on with your life;
And cherish the memories.
And one day when it's time,
it's all right to love again.

- Vicki Tushingham