The Art of Knowing.

I have come to know many things in life simply by not knowing or knowing exactly what I didn't want. Once upon a time I too fell into the trappings of being a cynic due to the cards I was dealt in matters of the heart. Today I am grateful for all those cards that once made a cynic of me as they led me to the man I will, before this year ends, call my husband. Two years ago this exact month I was dealing with the passing of my father, which followed the passing of Neil. A series of events unfolded that same year that led me to pack up my belongings and after sixteen years in Los Angeles head back home to Texas. While I do have family here my urge to move was something bigger. Yes I would be closer to my siblings and mom and step dad but I knew this urge to pack up and leave the past behind went beyond that. Truth be told two girl friends of mine insisted the one was awaiting me in Texas. Ginny was actually in Austin when she found out I was moving and told me she knew it was where I was meant to be. I have known many kinds of love. Lust masked as love, love that lacks reciprocation, love blinded by beauty, love that strives to change someone and unconditional love. Unconditional love I have learned about in recent years. It was through knowing all the other loves that I was able to understand unconditional love and conclude that was what I yearned for and most of all deserve. I believe we all do. Knowing what I do not want in many areas of my life by experiencing it allows me to come to know what I do want. It has been said by some these past few days, that our love is too soon, among other words I choose to not entertain or repeat. What I do choose to entertain is the knowledge that having my best friend cross paths with me and propose to me has brought. Travis is my best friend so he knows everything. From Thomas to Cotter he knows of their impact in my life to the ways they helped me navigate the darkened path I was on, led me towards the light and let me go when necessary so my path could come to cross with his. We hide nothing from each other and because we became friends first and then the obvious came to light, we have that strong bond of two people wanting the best for the other. I have known untimely love more than any other so I have had many broken promises. A life filling a heart with some days made for some bitter years but I never lost hope. So when I arrived in Texas with minimal baggage and once I got past the notion that I could loose a friend, a door to the love of my lives opened. I have a very strong faith but it has actually been Travis, whose strong belief in a love beyond this existence, has led me to believe I will love him into the next life. There is no one else I want to see smiling at me when I depart my body and arrive wherever we go than him. I believe heaven you can believe what your heart tells you. It was his smile that caught my eye when we first met and I hired him to work on my film Road Trip with the Devil. Working side by side with someone in a forty eight hour film competition will show you many things. I still adore his enthusiasm, work ethic and insane talent! He can write, edit, do graphic design, has engineered major record albums you have probably listened to and danced in the film Step Up. But I can honestly say that while our upbringing and chosen profession does make our bond strong its our communication in every aspect of our relationship that keeps us going. He knows that I thought Cotter was a soulmate, then Thomas and that I almost married a way too different, way too old man I loved when I was twenty-two. He knows my dreams, my losses and while I am working my way back to my heART is there everyday to hear me out when seeing my heART come to life again feels so distant. When I look into his eyes I see how safe he wants to keep me, how much he loves US, and how genuine his love is. I see a man I may have crossed paths with a thousand years ago and a man I want to love for the next thousand years into the next lifetime. I refuse to explain to anyone our love or defend it but I will gladly share my story in hopes that you too can believe in magical, perfectly timed love. Love is not torturous, unrequited, hard, blind, hurtful, keeping score, or competitive. Love is a flow, a friendship, respect and most of all acceptance of who the person when you meet them not who you hope to make them. Not having this in my life in all of my past relationships led me to know exactly what I wanted and most of all allowed me to receive and give the abundant love Travis and I share. You don't have to date someone for a year or ten to know, you simply just do know when you know and I know that I have a friend and lover who sees me, loves me just as I am and who will most definitely love me into the next life time. May a life of not knowing gift you a life of knowing the love you deserve. "Take me now. The world's such a crazy place. When the walls come down you'll know I'm here to stay. There's nothing I would change. Knowing that together everything that's in our way. We're better than alright."