Sleeping with the devil

I've been sleeping with the devil and quite frankly it's exhausting. I read today, we either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong- the amount of work is the same. It was like a ton of bricks hit me and I awakened knowing I have chosen to sleep with the devil. Chosen you ask? Yes chosen because everything is a choice. Everything is in my view in my almost forty years, perception.

I have been perceiving that I am too tired because of my new journey, motherhood and my into the next lifetime relationship with my fiancé Travis. Like anything these relationships with these two beautiful souls takes work! No one truly explains how much work is needed in both and advertisers sell a glow of happiness in both, which is definitely part of the journey on my new path but it's not an everyday thing. Due to that I've made up my mind to choose that I am too tired. That I've given my all to everything and I'm too tired for me.

For yoga, alone time, meditation, peace in my heart, patience with my soul and Travis', Al Anon meetings and all the things that made me who I am. Those gifts born of sixteen years in LA, I've chosen to put away because Austin has therapy, Gymboree, dentist appointment, ER visit because he fell from a shopping cart, pool time, play time, redo his room time and oh yeah maybe Travis and I can hang somewhere in between. 

I rest my body every night wishing for me time, for rest, for things that I've chosen to give up and instead comfort myself in the arms of the devil, it's negative energy is easier to absorb when the mind is weak and the body is tired. But those restless nights are coming to an end.

All I have to do is close my eyes and I see it all. New York photo shoots with Glamour Magazine. Walking down the red carpet in Rome with my favorite author for winning his film competition. Getting the car I won at an award ceremony in LA, my first commercial, choosing dresses and the list is endless.

Then I stay focused with my eyes closed and I see even more, deeper and the journey comes back. The journey to all those beautiful moments. The rejections over and over, being told I didn't look Latina enough. Not booking one single TV show in sixteen years in LA. Applying for thousands of grants and receiving one. Rejection after rejection after rejection meant I had to get back up and keep walking in faith.

So I did and one day God said this way, follow your heart, the money will follow. Huh? This way... No I think this way I would say upon hearing this and then just like that overnight I said okay I AM READY, your way it is. I smile as I think of the door that opened and the journey that led there.

A door ten years later is wanting me to open it but I've been too comfy with the devil's toxic seductions until it simply got to be too much and I heard a song that reminded me what I did when it all got to be too much four years ago. I started a new journey and put an end to a suffocating path that wanted to be left behind. In doing so I birthed a relationship I've never had with a loving caring PATIENT man and we birthed a soul so beautiful only God could be behind all this.

So today I am choosing to once again sleep in the arms of my beloved God and receive its comfort! Like most people I am uncertain of what God looks like but I am not uncertain of the miracles born when I choose to partner with God. So here I grow once again into the arm's of something so powerful that what I am about to give birth to will blow us all away. It's time to put into action what I was quoted as saying in Glamour Magazine when I won my award in 2006, mentor young LA children who want to make their inner voices ring true. You're up Austin, Texas...

So now it's time to rise to the challenge like a skyscraper. Blessed to once again see the signs and be able to follow them to an entirely new direction (END) and put an end to sleeping with the devil. The time has come to put an END (Entirely New Direction) to this toxic relationship. I WILL RISE LIKE A SKYSCRAPER!