I am blessed with a super sensitive body that doesn't like stress and let's me know immediately. I've always suffered from psoriasis but now thanks to repeating a lesson I can add cysts, tori, and abscess to the list of ways my body is telling me something is off balance. I have been growing through a lot lately and last weekend ignoring my body's signals alerting me that something was off caused sleepless nights like they ones I haven't had since 2006. They are not fun and since my body clock is programmed for a seven am wake up call latest on any morning well the following days are pretty torturous. By the end of last weekend I knew what I had to do and after a hike first thing Monday morning I was willing to finally do it.
A friend told me Sunday night at dinner, "I have been watching you do this to yourself for four years" and it hit me like a ton of bricks. She was right I had been, which meant I had also been ignoring the signs my body was desperately giving me in hopes that I would finally get it. By "this" my friend meant she has been watching me put the needs of others before mine since I opened my production company. This is a trait I attribute to my lovingly mother because having seven children doesn't really afford any other option than putting those seven kids before you. In therapy I learned that we all are what we know aka what we witnessed in our childhood unless we make a conscious decision to change it. A belief I made a choice to take on as I examined my life and realized while in therapy that I was definitely my mother. Some things I kept since they are beautiful traits and some I have made a conscious decision to change for my well being and so that I can exist as Adriana Garza not Mercedes Cortazar the second. ;-)
Which brings me to this week. I did it! I finally did it! I put myself first. I had two options as I saw it I could continue on like I was and see what other way my body would alert me that it was my choices that were throwing my life off balance and producing stress or I could take a huge leap of faith and restructure the way I am doing things. Since I do not want a repeat of the stress induced premature heart beat I had in 2008 I opted to get the lesson and move forward. This meant I would potentially hurt some people in the process. People I love dearly. This is what made putting myself first so scary but I realized if I didn't do it now I would keep living a life where I eventually resent situations or people and I don't want to live that way. I trusted that the fear of what others would say or do when I finally stood up and put myself first was a small price to pay for what I would end up paying once again if I continued my pattern.
Now when I say I am putting myself first please do not interpret the selfish putting myself first and screw everyone philosophy, which seems more abundant than I'd like it to be. Nope not that! I am simply going to take care of me and my company first and then everyone. I decided that this is the year Adriana Garza Productions will make a profit and in order to do so I have to put myself first. For four years I have donated proceeds, invested, taken huge leaps of faith, and paid others before I paid myself simply trusting that as I was doing God and the universe would do unto me. I still believe that they have and will but I also now realize I have to take care of myself too by putting my needs first then the ones of others in any situation so I can be healthy and present. It took people wanting so much from me that out did what I was receiving by a lot, (which I feel deserve since this company has been my financial investment, my faith, sweat, tears, and hard work for the past four years), to say enough. I hit a point were I could no longer afford to put anyone else before me or my company literally and if my company is going to continue to exist I have to come first.
Even writing that sounds weird but yet so perfect. It's time to do for myself what I have spent years doing for others. This excludes my philanthropy work because that is a part of me I embrace and I am not willing change. I am referring to putting everyone before me because I feel I owe them not because without my help they won't survive which is the case with most of my non-profit work. The bottom line is we all make choices in life and I have been so afraid of hurting people I put them first. Meanwhile some of these people have had no problem putting themselves and their demands first by asking that the fruits of my labor be theirs. In the process they taught me that in order to survive as a business within my business I must do the same and for that lesson I am grateful.
This journey of mine where I am currently bearing fruit, pun intended, ;-) is constantly changing and from one week to the next it came to a screeching halt so I could restructure and put myself first. It feels so good and the timing feels just right. Something tells me that by July 15 something magical is going to take place that will once again exceed my expectations. The signs have arrived and I am looking forward to the destination my journey is leading me to. It's been quite dark lately but being inside the cocoon will do that to you. Metamorphosis aka preparation is essential to be able to face what lies in the unknown and the what next when it arrives. I am happy to say that thanks to this amazing simple song and many other signs this past week Adriana Garza Productions is moving forward in a whole new direction and I can not wait for you to witness what is yet to come.
For those of you who confuse my kindness with stupidity I thank you because you have helped me take this leap of faith and allowed me to take care of myself and put myself first. For those of you who count me out every time a challenge presented by life knocks me down I say thank you. It makes what comes next far more extraordinary as its deemed a miracle! After all how could I possibly stand again. ;-) Faith does that to you. For all of you who are still learning to take care of yourselves I say do it. I've come to terms with the fact that while the universe has been trying to take care of me I have been too busy taking care of everyone else. I think the words of the wise Ann Richards say it best, "If you think taking care of yourself is selfish, change your mind. If you don't, you're simply ducking your responsibilities." I have with complete awareness changed my mind and I am grateful for the journey that led me here! Oh and don't forget to breathe through your growth. It will all be okay. Actually it is okay now. ;-)
