Losing is defined as to come or be without. Since last night I have been hearing sorry for the loss, which got me thinking. Loss. To me that is a very deep, strong word and a loss to me is not being able to call Neil or not being able to someday see my birth father face to face like I had hoped. People seizing to exist in human form is a loss. Not winning an award is truly not a loss. If you were me and knew the journey I endured to make it to the 48 hour film competition, then perhaps like me you may conclude I won big time.
I decided to take on the challenge after a meeting with the film commissioner. At the time I thought what a great way to get to know the local talent in front of and behind the scenes. I truly had no idea what to expect as I had never done anything like it. I can honestly say I was catapulted into growth. By the time November 30th rolled around I had my cast and crew as well as a concept that had come to me while running town lake. My work always had to deliver a message or it's not worth it to me and what had surfaced while running and was asking for an outlet was definitely worth exploring. It never dawned on me that I could get anything but drama. Part of the challenge was drawing elements from a bowl the night competition commenced that had to be in your film.
So when I drew comedy you should have seen my face. It was as Mike, our photographer called it, shock. How could I deliver a message in comedy? The urban/big city I could do but comedy? Travis, my co-writer/editor/confidant and god sent angel and I sat down and got to work. From 7 pm or so till midnight we wrote, scouted locations, gave call times and came up with a dark comedy in part thanks to creative consultant Eric Schwartz aka Smooth-e. My concept did not get thrown out and in a mere few hours I grew as an actor knowing I would have to go somewhere I had never gone before as Veronica. We came up with a dark comedy about choosing what voices we adhere to in life. Veronica would react to the voices, who showed up in physical form, on her road trip through the streets of life, as perhaps some wish they could but never do. Or perhaps some have. I would have to be mean in a funny way and that itself was a win for me. The opportunity to deliver a message in a different way.
It was to say the least, challenging but most of all fun! I had not had so much fun on a set in a long time. Blame in on the big Texas skies, the friendly cast and crew and their willingness to go wherever I took them through my vision and the over all ambiance but I knew on set I had a winner. It didn't matter if the judges saw one or not for I saw all the wins already. Guess who the actors were. Yes, the actors were from our Bearing Fruit auditions and in that I saw magic and a win. Timing as usual was everything and when all the elements aligned we finally worked together. The thought of that alone makes me smile. Thinking back on a year ago and how I had to let them all know I opted out of film option terms so I would no longer produce it. How it broke my heart but how standing up for my production and myself and not handing creative control over or sharing it under certain terms given made my decision easy and yet a loss of all the people I had put together. Yet here we were on God's time making magic.
I've worked on a lot of sets from the small like mine, to the million dollar Dodge campaign were I met my northern star and yet I have never experienced a crew and actors like this. All of my experiences have something but this one, this one was magical. Perfectly timed and because of its magic two films were born. I trusted them so much I knew we could also do a drama version which would more clearly deliver the message that while the darkness can seem prominent it is indeed up to us to choose the light. To carry and heed to the voice that supports us. I don't consider this 48 hour journey's inability to produce a first, second, third place award a loss.
I consider the timing of crossing paths with David Harper, Martha Prentiss, Chloe Kissner, Marco Martinez, Erika Martinez, Stephanie Kissner, Jerry Henderson, Lauren Pruitt, Roseann Garcia, DJ Veliz, Raymond Daniel, Melo, Mike Rushton and especially Travis McGehee a win if I have ever known one. I consider watching a female DP, Lauren, lead a crew with such grace and patience, a win if I ever saw one. I tried to hire as many women as possible before to support women in film, but talent must come first, and it hadn't worked out. Then here in Texas on its own and through the flow of the universe and guidance of God it did, and with it came a female AC. I could sit here and go on forever on wins. I did a retro film in the 60's, which I LOVE. I wrote a comedy. I wrote a comedy. Me? Queen of all things serious. Yes it was a dramedy but it was comedy. ;-) I proved to myself that what did not kill me did indeed make me stronger and that in a year I went from crying in my mom's home in Texas as I moved out of my LA apartment and came home for Christmas to coming to her home, filling it up with equipment, food, props, wardrobe etc. to make a film, almost a year later.
In the room I slept in while I shot in San Antonio a few weeks ago, I had cried a year before while shooting my documentary. Questioning where it was all leading. Trying to stay positive while loosing my apartment, my commercial and film in one month. The same year my agent dropped me two months after my birth father passed, and he passed three months after Neil. I questioned how I would possibly get up and gather strength to move even saying to God during an extremely non-stop turbulent flight to Texas, "I'm really tired God, if you want to put me to sleep eternally, I'm so okay with that right now." I was accepting a will I thought would be his as the stewardess were asked to take their seats. I thought an end to the pain of true loss was coming. So I closed my eyes and leaned back and accepted what I thought was God's will.
As I write that I can't believe where walking on faith took me and I am grateful I was wrong about God's will. Had I not chosen to hold on hope and stay in faith I would have stopped adhering to my belief that all is always as it should be and in my best interest for my growth as a spirit in a physical world. I would not have met the beauty of nature on town lake. I wouldn't have crossed paths with Desiree again. I would have not helped my mom set up her new shop and organize my sister's flower shop. Most of all I would not have taken a Road Trip with the Devil and lived to tell you about it. I would have not been able to follow my Northern Star and in the end believe in me like it did. I wouldn't have followed its light. Pink light. ;-)
This will all make sense after the drama version sees the light in 2013. This was what was born in the film competition.
So as I come down from the high of it all I see win after win after win and I do not need a panel of JUDGES to tell me if I'm a winner in life or not. The thing about life is that if we wait for others to validate us or our work we take from the journey that led us there. That's where it is at for me. No one, beside God and the universe, is ever going to know the depth of my journey and what it takes to make the impossible, possible. Which is why the constantly reward me by crossing my path with amazing I mean amazing souls! My friend Carlos worked diligently, while on tour in Europe, to get his friends Kristian and Shawn to donate music to my film. Indeed as Shawn sings below it's a beautiful life. One that allowed me to discover him and Kristian and many other talented souls willing to work as a team to make a dream come true. I am a blessed "looser", don't you think? May your journey allow you to see what a winner you are simply by having the desire to dream the impossible dream. Anything after that is icing on the cake. Oh and just in case your wondering, yes I would have liked to win the actual award but I'm grateful my journey for now is about knowing how win in other ways. This young man is our soundtrack to Road Trip with the Devil. His soulful voice will help deliver the message and if its not clear to me now than it never will be, all is as it should be.
To hear more of Shawn visit www.shawnpander.com and to see where all this is headed, stayed tuned to the road trip.
It's the day of gratitude once again but I have to be honest and say I try as best as I can to live everyday in gratitude. As soon as I open my eyes I thank God for another day and continue to be thankful through out the day. So much Paco loves to mock me publicly on my fb about it. Ah childhood friends. ;-)
If I listed all I'm grateful for this blog would never end. What is most present today is being grateful for the capacity to see with my heart. A place where endless possibilities reside. It's not easy to put into words but it is easy to follow my heART. The older I get, thirty-six gratitude filled years next week, the less I know and that is why seeing with my heart works for me.
A year ago today I was on cloud nine. I had been given a thirty day notice to vacate my apartment but the day before Thanksgiving and two days after that notice I was hired as an actor for a six day San Francisco/Lake Tahoe Honda commercial shoot. The day before heading off and my birthday, November 29, I would be at my friend Jason's closing concert of his tour.
The night before the show and the eve of my 35th my agent called that Honda had changed their mind and let me go. Although they had made it sound like the spot was dropped to ease the pain I would find out from my commercial husband, Kirk, that they did indeed shoot it. I had been replaced. Luckily for me they had to pay me one day as they had booked me.
So there I was in the midst of sixteen years worth of belongings being packed, unemployed and without a home. Two weeks earlier I had opted not to extend the option on my production of two years, Bearing Fruit, so that was gone as well. I packed up as I had to be out by December 21. I gave away so much stuff and had like three or four yard sales. It was quite cleansing to let so much go. Especially after what the passing of Neil and my birth father taught me.
While I did all the letting go I could feel in my heart that all was in my best interest so because of that ability I could see the beauty in everyday. Sure I cried a lot but I also had a blast at Jason's show. Especially when he sang happy birthday and said that lots of people had birthdays that day and went on to shout out his friend Adri. ;-) It was moments like that where I could feel the beauty through my heart. For every time my heart broke a crack was created that allowed the light to shine in and on. A light like Danielle and Cienna sitting with me on the living room floor. Something Pamela did too. Friends would just come by and shed light and I left my Christmas tree up till the end. Refusing to let all of it take my Christmas away.
Through friends aka my LA family my heart shun so brightly. There are no words that could ever do justice to how grateful I am for their couches, guest bedrooms, home cooked meals etc. while I searched for a new home. In my heart I always knew today was coming so when LA no longer felt like home and all I could feel was the loss of Neil, my dad, my home of eleven years, my work etc. I decided to let go of the weight of it all or I knew I would be dragged.
I packed my car, put the loveliest of ladies, Areli, in the passenger seat, let the movers take what few belongings I chose to keep and drove from LA to Austin. Today I woke to my first Thanksgiving here. My family in Monterrey has their kids in bilingual schools so they abide by our Holidays. They are here! I drove to San Antonio first thing this morning to be with them. I can't recall the last time I was here for what we call "el dia de gracias."
Today I have so much to be grateful for but looking back to a year ago today I am grateful I trusted that my heart could see beyond what was unfolding. That I followed it. That I will hear my nephews laughter soon. That I will sit across from Veronica, my sister who always encourages me and never values me by my circumstances, and smile grateful that thanks to people like her I made it through. That next week the day before I step on a set again and my first retro production for a film competition I will turn 36. I am grateful my elementary school friend Desiree moved here in August and has been lighting my path towards the Road trip I'm about to take. I'm grateful my mom and I have been given the opportunity to strengthen our bond and discover each other as adults. I'm grateful for he who believed what I could be and do back at that small theater at the complex where he stood and awaited me outside later imploring me to go on, saying he awaited great things from me. I am grateful for he who saw the light/love in my eyes but let me go so I could be led here. Home.
Every detour has led me to exactly where I was meant to be. Nothing is in vain and was/is as it should be. Most of all I am most humbled and grateful for the most unseen element in my life, which my heart constantly feels and I see in this realm through the timely signs. To you God I say thank you for always trusting me with so much and making me more than I ever imagine I can be. Beyond grateful for your trust in me!!! I am settled. I am home. I am grateful! To new beginnings and following my heART! May you have a gratitude filled LIFE!
"Hold on, to me as we go. As we roll down this unfamiliar road and although this wave is stringing us along just know you’re not alone cause I’m going to make this place your home. Settle down, it'll all be clear.Don't pay no mind to the demons. They fill you with fear. The trouble it might drag you down. If you get lost, you can always be found." Open your heart and you'll be amazed what your eyes will see.
If you saw the art of being in its first run then you know what my childhood was like. Let's just say I did a lot of work in therapy to overcome all the name calling. And in high school I did what I could to fit in and be seen. So eventually I won a pageant, the thing to do in Texas, and quickly realized that is not the seen I longed for.
Yet we grow up with everything being chosen for us and advertisers guiding us. Yes there are fabulous advertisers whose sites usually end in .gov or start with PBS but they are the ones less seen. The ones I discovered as an adult. So like the lead character in the Perks of being a wallflower I too stood on the sidelines, observed and like a sponge soaked it all in.
Don't feel bad for me because it turned out to be my first acting tool, listening and observing, which led to being present. A must in my world of acting if I want the audience to feel what I feel. Throwing out lines is good for some but if I can't make you feel my sadness or joy I have not done my job. So as I grew from a wallflower into a centerflower I picked up a few things along the way.
You probably already know this but the person picking on you is in a lot of pain and yes misery loves company. I read back on some of my journals and I was depressed because I didn't know then that I had a choice or a voice. I just simply wanted to fit in and yet like you I was created to stand out. In junior high I wore a tie. Or leggings with bike shorts spandex, knee high boots, a blouse and red lips. It was in 9th grade that my love of style was being born. Prior to that year I wore NKOTB shirts everyday. A different one in support of the love I felt for the fab five men from Boston who awarded me with solace. Wait you were their favorite girl too? And cover girl? Well...
My bully didn't like my shirts. She made sure she would point it out to me whenever possible. As one of the main cheerleaders in our junior high I can now conclude it may have been more like perhaps she didn't like that I was born like Gumby, flexible. While I never made the cheer leading squad, too shy then and not loue enough, I was the lead reindeer in the Christmas dance performance. Lead dork reindeer to her.
I've reconnected with a lot of junior high and high school friends. Mostly pleasant experiences. Ceci email telling me how happy she was for me that I got out and did what I was saying I would since junior high was a comfort that I had indeed followed my heART. Inevitably my bully showed up as "someone you may know" on facebook. It was interesting but it made my stomach churn. Memories came rushing back of her insistance of trying to make me feel unworthy. I now know at thirty-five that she felt inadequate. Projected onto me. Something we all do at one point or another, project that is not bully. ;-)
I remember getting to high school and not having a single friend. Not long after I won a pageant and all of the sudden walking into building B was accessible and yet I no longer wanted to. The first day of high school Desiree, whom I've known since elementary, looked at me admitting neither one of us had friends or a car so while trying to hide the fact that we had to walk, we did. She reminded me of this the other day when we chatted at her house in Austin. She has been a huge blessing in Austin and has not only help make this new beginning transition smoother but constantly lights the path.
Some people come into your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime. The season people may come to water you and help you grow. The reason people may show up and dry you out to show you just how strong your roots are regardless of lack of showers of love. The lifetime people they water you, care for you in your drought, help you strengthen your roots and stand aside and let you bask in the sunlight when the time comes. The great thing about the lifetime people is they are willing to repeat this with you over and over as the seasons change.
Till your lifetime people arrive find comfort in the perks of being a wallflower. Like me you may be blessed to witness so much you will understand that self care is the way to lifetime people and that your seed will turn into a flower if you plant your roots in love. Forgetting the teasing of the t-shirts or anything else that made them feel I held individuality. After all the greatest feeling and success for me comes in blooming into a flower like no other. A rare flower never seen. A wallflower that found its way to centerstage thanks in part to the people who not only made fun of my t-shirts but the girl who tried to beat me up because she thought I liked her boyfriend, or the girl that threatened me everyday in high school at my locker or the man who called me a bitch everytime he saw me. To them I say thank you for helping me find my voice, plant my roots in safe grounds and truly know what a gift it was to not be seen by you. On that path you taught me that I had to be my own hero, bask in my own light. May you find your heroism too. BE YOUR OWN KING ON YOUR OWN TERMS! ;-)
This past week I previewed the documentary with a few people. My friend Jennifer sent me such a beautiful raw email it compelled me to tell her all about the music that got me through the growth. I am no stranger to the ways in which God communicates with me. A timely song, a movie, the words of friend, and a perfect hike are all ways in which I can clearly hear someone I can't see communicate with me. So in 2011 when it all started to shift the moment I heard this song tears filled my eyes as I could see how God was asking me to do something we all do without a second thought. However now I would be required to work on it. To truly breathe so I could get through this.
So I did just that and before I knew someone sang a song at a friend's brunch and there was God, my dad, Neil, grandpa and all my angels saying we got you. We will rescue you when you feel you need it and it's okay to feel like you need to be rescued. More than anything I felt God was telling me to let go of my superwoman complex. That everyone needs to be rescued once in a while. So I let go and allowed myself to be rescued in the words of a friend.
With the seasons changing came the strength I thought I would never acquire again. It gave me the ability to pack up my place, put in storage and go home for Christmas and when I went back to Los Angeles I pounded the streets of Los Feliz with the song blaring in my ears as I took walks building up strength for what was coming. I had finally started to grow stronger.
This strength that took me through four months of uncertainity in Los Angeles redirected me Austin and with it I made a drive across the states back to the place that had given me one of the greatest gifts, my art. Here I began to do what I had not been able to since Neil transitioned. I started to run again and loose myself in the beauty of town lake and I could clearly hear God telling me that I was indeed once again a strong fighter.
As I struggled to keep up the good fight and not become a victim of the current circumstances and people's lack of self love being projected onto me I had to go somewhere I am not comfortable going. I had to get angry. The good kind of angry. The angry that allowed me to see that my chosen father was right with a boot pressed up against my neck I would not be able to do all of the above. That if 2011 had not made me a victim of circumstance than there was no way I would let the words of fear embodied by those I love and thrown my way on a daily basis to get the best part of me. They where not going to break my soul with their sticks and stones in form the form of fear.
Knowing this led me to cross path with a man who did what no one had during this shift I and many people have been living in different forms. He looked me in the eye without an ounce of poor you and told me that I had allowed myself to become I victim and that with him I was there to push past the pain. He cuts me no slack and if he feels sorry for me doesn't show it. I needed that. The only way I could get to this place today and not be destroyed was by breathing, being rescued, growing stronger, keeping up the fight, and being ready to fight back and not let anyone or anything take the best part of me, my soul. Music is amazing! No words can truly capture my gratitude for how it always gently guides me into the light. This caterpillar will emerge on God's time when the season is right. In my heart I know the current man in my life is the final piece of the puzzle not so gently but necessarily guiding me back to myself and into the what next. I needed to be here just as I am to be able to understand and accept the crossing of my path with his. A minute to soon and I may have given up. I can clearly see how all my yesterdays where guiding me into today. May you find the meaning in your journey and the ability to...
I see clearly what is happening. I see how God is working, its magic, as usual, so that I can come out on the other side becoming more than I thought I could be. I kept hearing that I needed to sign up for something. There was a part of my life that had been unattended but I attributed to not having time, funds or whatever excuse I told myself to not face the fear of how weak this may prove me to be if I stepped into it. What has come up a lot and you will see in the documentary is, balance. I believe I strive to strike a balance between my spiritual side and my human being side. Sometimes as I have learned the balance gets thrown off and it takes the clear signs from God and the universe to show me that I need to even the scales to get me to the place I need to in order to work through whatever needs balance restored.
This time it took some unexpected experiences and some inspiration from the most unlikely of places to focus on striking a balance. You may not picture me as a girl who would not only fall in love with Snow White and the Huntsmen but be also be inspired by it but I am. Any story that includes the light being born of the darkness is definitely for me. Not matter how long you try and hide the light up in a tower it will prevail. Or in a cell.So add the recent Batman to my inspiration. Elizabeth the Golden Age and even Katy Perry's documentary are also sources of inspiration to approach the beautifield of life after all I have been through.
I never knew how powerful those words were till recently. It was in watching the leaves fall at zilker botanical gardens that I realized just how much re-telling the story had affected certain parts of my life. It became apparent how much I struggled to let go of 2011 and it wasn't till I crossed paths with a particular man that I realized I'd made myself a victim of it. Not in all ways of course as my documentary will showcase but in this particular way, which I will some day reveal and which he forms a part of. When he looked me in the eyes and said "okay so you let your _____ become a victim of it. Time to move on and push through the fears", I knew exactly what God was doing.
I had felt a gut instinct recently that the rise is nearing and the signs confirmed it. Something that may only make sense to me but logically as we know by law of gravity what goes down must come up. What I know goes beyond logic. It was in watching a rough cut of my doc that I saw so clearly what I could not process as well when I lived it as I can now. The darkness as I call it, had shown up repeatedly to test me as I already knew. That is why each time no matter how defeated I may have felt or allowed my spirit to feel I got up. What I wasn't making then is a connection I can clearly see now.
In order to be ready to move forward I must be ready and do what is asked of me. This time I must connect mind, body and spirit. One of which had been left out for quite a while. If I want to take flight as high as I am being asked to I must train. I can't just expect to get up and take such altitudes without preparation. So when he yells at me "Don't stop Adriana. I don't care if you have to pace yourself but don't ever stop." I can clearly connect it all. I also know that if I stopped and fell he'd be the first to catch me, which is why I secretly smile when he says, "Good I expected you to puke. Puke on them and move on. Don't stop. You are here to push past the pain. You are not a victim." I smile because I clearly see the light and hear God.
So from fear I am rising. I am growing in a new direction while a connection is being made. I am rising from all I have lost to all I am have been and will continue to gain due to the loss and space created. As I ask myself "who I am living for/", I know the answer is you, me and the human spirit. Now I get that my body nor my mind will keep me from being ready for the flight.
As my chosen father reminds me, retreat mija yes but only to come back stronger, and so the preparation continues.
Nietzsche was quoted as having said "Be careful when you fight the monsters, lest you become one." I am very aware that I am neither a saint nor perfect, which is why I too can become a monster if I choose ego over love. My ability to stand firmly in my belief that love is the answer has been severely tested in the past few months and yet love prevailed. I grew up with verbal abuse but I was too used to it to know how to stop being the target. In my teenage years being told I was ugly was such a part of my life it became normal and ultimately my truth. I was too young to understand that people project their self talk onto others and that I shouldn't take it personal. Flash forward to today and I have the tools to break the pattern. Tools that for two months straight I chose to keep in their box. I kept telling myself that they needed me and that their attacks on my looks and character weren't personal. However the day I looked in the mirror and called myself ugly I knew I could no longer pretend their verbal abuse was water off a duck's back. What I had at thirty-five that I didn't as a child was awareness. I also have a recovery program called Al Anon and an amazing support group that understands and can genuinely identify with what I am growing through. I had made a decision to not reach out but the moment had finally come. I had to take my ten years of Al Anon and four of therapy and apply them. If I chose to stay silent I would be the only one who would pay the price. You see when someone is in denial that they have a disease they are also in denial that their way of communicating is negative and verbal abuse. I understand I can not make anyone see something from my perspective but I also know I can't stand in the crossfire and wonder how I got hit. The time had come to break the pattern and to let it begin with me. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I stood up to my bully. I want nothing more than to get along but not at the expense of my well being. Even if it breaks my heart.
Yet I knew I had to be strong or they would all over again take the best part of me as I was slowly allowing them too.
It's not the first and maybe not the last time someone won't accept me just as I am but I love me just as I am. As hard as I tried to not be affected by the attacks on my character calling me a looser/mooch and told to f off, it saddened me. What truly saddened wasn't the name calling but that having the ability to go there means not only that they are caught up in their disease but that they have allowed the darkness to embody them. My program has taught me that all I can do is trust that my higher power, God, is taking care of them too. I trust so much I have made a painful yet necessary decision to not speak to them till they are sober. Breaking a behavioral pattern of any kind requires faith and courage and I summoned it. This doesn't mean I don't love them. On the contrary. I don't like their actions but I love them enough to know making this decision will help them more in the long run than me standing as a willing target in the crossfire of verbal abuse. In the end I thank them because when my self love was put to the test I ended passing, even if it took longer than I hoped. There's something I have to say to you darkness. It breaks my heart that they allow you to embody them but you should know, you never win. In the end the light prevails! I love me and you can't change that no matter how hard you try. I love you for making me the woman I am today. Without I wouldn't know the value of the light. I'm lovely! Just as I am.
To my chosen father thank you for reminding me that I can't breathe with a boot positioned on my neck. To my chosen brother thank you for being there the day the storm hit and to my sponsor thank you for always listening. To all of you thank you for seeing me so BEAUTIFULLY!
There are plenty of situations in life which test my faith and which have pushed me to the edge. At the edge when I fall I always fall into the arms of God. I wish I could give you a logical explanation like I grew up in Catholic School. I actually went for a year and got kicked out of Father Yermo for standing up to my bully. I wish I could tell you I read the bible and that is where my faith and relationship with God comes from. Truth is I tried to read it when my mom gifted me the new testament in my late teens but I felt it had too much finger pointing towards the female so I never finished it. My truth is life, its challenges and beauty have crafted the relationship I have with a God of my understanding and consequently my faith.
Last week someone was upset with me and I with them. In our discussion they told me I wasn't Catholic enough and that this country had ruined me with its support of independent women. Sometimes, like this one, I hear things that hold no logic in my world words abandon me. I truly didn't know what to say. I don't believe in my heart that reading the bible often or going to church makes someone a good person. Sure it can help but for me the bottom line lies in my God instinct aka my gut. If I want to sleep peacefully at night I must always, no matter what, try as best as I can to follow its guidance. I'm not attempting perfection but I am attempting to live a life under the principle of do unto others as you would want done to you. I was gifted a family full of teachers who constantly put me to the test. I can see so clearly why I stand where I do today. Pun intended. ;-) If I don't stand for something I run the danger of falling for anything. I have also been gifted an extraordinary life full of challenges that birth miracles. I can remember as if it was yesterday being in my room crying over the fact that two of my commercials would not air, punching my pillow in anger while questioning God's will. In my whaling I recall saying "how much more can I give? I've given you all." Since 2006 those words have not come out of my mouth. Sure I haven't loved every lesson but I've stayed present enough to see their gifts and the greatest one has been my faith. Within six months of uttering those words I was nominated for the award I went on to win for The Art of Being. A production which finally saw the light after two years of contemplation because of the unaired commercials and my frustration catapulting me to go for it. As I began to reflect on all that led me there in 2006 my awareness kicked in. The signs did in fact connect and ultimately wove a pattern so beautiful, magical and beyond human comprehension that for me it had to be God. As I reflected on my past I saw clearly how faithful I'd always been and now I was aware of it. I'd wake up and go about my day never knowing I'd make it through but always having faith I would. Since there are no guarantees I exercise faith everyday, whether I am aware or not. That combined with my awareness of what God and the universe are constantly conjuring up to continue weaving an amazing life for me (and you) is what has made me such a faithFULL person. I just couldn't have imagined that one day I'd have to find forgiveness in being a woman of faith. It has been brought to my attention that my faith is scary. Considering I'm the only one whose a recovering perfectionist people often take my inventory and point out their view of my flaws. I keep reminding myself to check the source because after all people see the world as they are not as it is. I'm not waiting for one of my favorite men and my brother commonly known as the son of God, Jesus, to come and physically guide me into the what next. But I sure as heck am counting on him, our father, the saints and this scientifically magical powerful universe to conjure up something extraordinary out of all my loss and I won't sell my self unworthy till that moment comes so I guess that is what is viewed as scary. Still having faith that all that unfolded in 2011 and led to this beautiful present could still be a miracle in progress. Perhaps it's best suited that I face reality and by that I am well aware that they mean their reality. I can't face something I don't see therefore God, Jesus, Saints, and universe oh and the angels too I ask your forgiveness for having so much faith in you also known as the unseen. When it comes to this matter I'm going to not only have to side with Emerson and his belief that everything he had seen had taught him to trust the creator for everything he had not seen but with my life experience. Nothing in my book of life, which I am co-writing is in vain. If I desire to wait patiently till the present is ready to reveal its gift I know all of you magical unseen forces are going to leave me, and everyone, with our jaws wide open at your magic. Magic that could only be brewed by you. I stand by you because I know you stand by me! This I believe! I know you know but just to be clear I am aware that I am already living the what next and that every moment is precious. I AM GRATEFUL to be a woman of faith! Ready for take off when you are.
Love! Your faithFULL daughter, Adri
Lately on my runs I have been very aware of the leaves falling and yesterday as I visited the botanical gardens for some relaxation it became very clear that the seasons are changing. It feels like I just arrived in Austin to inferno like heat and now the winds of change have brought a morning breeze with them on my runs. Something I welcome very much. It is common for people to think that this breeze gently takes the leaves with them. Upon watching them fall around me and on me I did some research.
It turns out that in order for a tree to survive the leaves must go otherwise at some point they freeze and can no longer provide the tree with the nutrients it needs in order to survive. It turns out these leaves have scissors on them that can be seen with a microscope, which they use to let go. This is my interpretation of what I read in simplest terms. ;-)
It got me thinking me because I kept feeling on my runs and walk at botanical garden like God and the universe were using them to tell me something. On my walk through the gardens en route to the butterfly garden it hit me.
My leaves are falling so new nutrients can come in and nourish me in the present. No need for the old leaves as they are part of my past. Hence if I don't cut them loose and let them go I won't be able to nourish myself in the present with all the nutrients it has to offer.
If I keep those leaves they will freeze and freeze me with them. In simplest terms if I want to grow I MUST LET GO. I had a vision on my run of old leaves attached to me weighing me down and as I progressed and picked up speed I let them go. I must admit it also came with a F-U fear as I finished the run. You see I've had a lot of nervous energy this week and I have made myself stay in it doing things to work my way through it like the walk I took where this blog was written in the butterfly garden. Trying hard to decipher things has caused my nervous energy and on my walk I was reminded to trust. Above all trust the process and the plan. Don't try to understand everything just know that everything does and will eventually make sense. Most of all trust God has my back.
Which brings me to this, I must trust that cutting off the leaves of the past will bring to fruition, on God's time, leaves with all the nutrients necessary for me to face the present. I must let 2011 and all its gifts go so that I can see all 2012 has gifted me. So I can allow the new leaves to settle in and feed me their love. And if I let go, open my heart so my eyes can see, clearly already the gifts are amazing!!! It's hard to say goodbye to Neil and my father. I have done it repeatedly always afraid that somehow I will forget them but yesterday it really hit me. They gave me Austin, they gave me the faith to keep dancing and I believe they still continue to root for me and want what is best for me. I whole heartedly believe my father can now do what he never could while he was alive and has done so. But it's time. It's time to cut the leaves, see them fly away and let new leaves be born. I need nutrients for the present. So just for today I will take it easy on myself as I cut away and await the new leaves. I will leave all thoughts of the 2011 leaves for the edit bay and feed my soul from what life is gifting now. It really is the taste of sweet American Honey I am fed now and I want to fully take it in. In my heart I know it's just the beginning for this autumn tree blooming in its new home. I won't waste time worrying if the new leaves will be able to feed me like the past ones have. I will just trust they will and that they will be the remedy in this new season of my life being brought into fruition by this beautiful fall that is dancing its way into my life.
P.S. at 3:39 I encourage you to belt it with conviction. Fear isn't very fond of conviction. ;-)
This pretty much sums up my beliefs. Ever since I learned to decipher the signs and follow them I also learned that it depended on me trusting something to be able to see them. I choose to call it God and the universe because it made sense to me. I have concluded in my thirty five years of experience and growth as Adriana Garza in human existence that if my heart is open I can see the magic of this existence and go beyond what my eyes can see.
When I first discovered this I was always wanting others to see it because I wanted them to be open to seeing the gifts in their life as well that the magic was conjuring up just for them. I couldn't get them to be where they weren't meant to be and in the process what I mostly conjured up were people concerned by my beliefs. I have heard things like "your beliefs worry me", or "I was afraid you had gotten stuck in character and thought you were Athena", the Witch of Portobello I portrayed in my film based on that novel. No I did not get stuck in character but her and I were so similar it was effortless to portray her. My beliefs shouldn't worry anyone cause all they have done is help me believe in this unpredictable thing called life. This beautiful beautiful sometimes inexplicable, when I think too deep, existence.
If time has afforded me anything it's the ability to be more present in who I am and what I believe. I may keep it more to myself now but I also believe more. I know we are all here to teach eachother and to learn from eachother. I would much rather learn from others how to keep the faith and not stop believing than how to believe everything sucks and has no meaning. That desire has made it easier to accept someone not wanting me in there life even though blood and distance has brought us closer. I know I tried and I know they tried but in the end timing is not right just yet. And if life has taught me anythiing, especially my ten years in Al Anon, is to take care of me even if others think I'm a you know what for doing it.
I could assume some believed my move to Texas was about me letting go of my sometimes called silly, or too old for me dream(s) of mine. The thing is this dream of mine that scares some is not my dream waiting to be seen, it is my calling taking me on a beautiful journey showing me how to grow in faith, strength, courage, love and many more weapons I choose to arm myself with to be present on the beautifield of life. So no being in Texas does not mean I will go to Harvard like my uncle, or Notre Dame like my grandpa's brother or get serious about my life because I am, have been and will be very serious about this precious, fragile yet amazingly beautiful gift called life! No matter what others fears allow them to perceive. It is after all my life, "go ahead with your own life." ;-)
Signs had been pointing somewhere and looking backwards I had connected the dots.I had so much faith that Alison to Michael to Pam meant Coco Latino Award which meant I could finish the documentary, which is stuck in post. I would like to sastify the wolves appetite and say I was wrong but I wasn't. I found out that out of thirteen people my entry for the award based on "And She Danced, Life after loss" did not make the top two and therefore is no longer in the running for the 10,000 that would have truly been a gift to AG Productions and allowed the documentary to be finished on my time. However if Rudy Ruttiger taught me anything as I watched the film on his life when I was sixteen it was that prayers are answered on God's time. I am so beyond grateful that seed was the one I have chosen to water over the years no matter how many choose to have their nearby, blood related gardens plant seeds of fear and spend an entire lifetime with a lot of hoses gardening as if it was a farm growing False Evidence Appearing Real.
I know that I can not make anyone see what the signs mean for my life. I am grateful I got that. Truly am!! Anyone who flips through my iphone pics would probably think, wow she loves to save her notes from the universe, pandora songs, daily om's, quotes and take pics of nature. The truth is I love to take pictures of the signs, look back on them, connect the dots and be humbled by God and the universe's magic. I will never forget sitting at an outdoor cafe in Rome with Bev and saying "I wonder how God does it. How do they know precisely when you need something to be seen or heard and how do they make it possible through a song, person etc?" I questioned this after my film's premiere in Rome and mediatating on the journey that led me there.
So today as I wake to find that the signs have yet to reveal the magic, (or do they?), and that I will not be winning the Coco Latino Award as I had envisioned and deciphered, I am able to see what the magic in this deciphering of signs was about and it is Pam Koslov. I have met people who have seen me at my best, winning awards, a car, flipping through GLAMOUR spotting me, seeing me being named the Latin Star to watch by Latin Star Magazine in 2009 and believed in me. Or as I see it believed in what they could see. Few are those who walk into your life during the journey not the destination and BELIEVE in you while you have been asked to leave most of your possessions and life as you knew it behind and knock on doors till the one with all the magic I know exists swings wide open and reveals the magic of the universe. Few are the people who listen to my beliefs and say I BELIEVE. Then fewer are the people who SHOW you they believe. Pam asked me to enter the award competition after seeing my documentary's trailer and knowing me for two months and being in my physical presence for two days. She saw what God had created and didn't try to mold me into anything else but instead asked who she saw to step up and continue dancing. Turns out that was the magic of 8-13-2012 which later became 8-15-2012. I had visions of her walking up with me to get my award with Zoey and my sister Ivonne as well as Bev by my side. I know better than to let those visions go. I know that God, Neil and my dad are busy smiling because I trust in them more than what I can see. They know that I know that they are lining up people, causing synchronicity and preparing me and all who stand by me for the precise moment that "And She Danced, Life after loss" is ready to dance into the lives of people. As usual not a minute too soon or a minute too late but precisely at the exact moment God and the universe reveal their magic, God's time.
Pam I feel like this may have been harder for you than me so to you I say, I honor you for choosing to see me, guide me and encourage me. Ten grand would have been nice but in the end it's just paper. You on the other hand, fed my soul, fueled my engine, strengthened my conviction and reminded me to never stop believing. As I had said, you WILL walk the film festival carpet with me. On God's time you WILL be by my side and I will ask you to do with me what I did before I started to walk the red carpet in Rome with Paulo Coelho. Look up, smile and express gratitude. I had said "you all knowing always knowing what you are doing. Look at you. Look at your magic." This time we will look up thank God, the universe, your dad, my dad, Neil and be grateful we never stopped believing. This I promise because all bets are on God and the universe. YOU are the magic of the connection of the dots and I AM GRATEFUL! This is just the beginning for these small town girls...the dance continues.....
May faith be your guide and may you never stop believing that God's gifts and the universe's magic can exceed your dreams!
In a sense you could say I am the chosen one because as the dance continues the music being played requires me to be very attentive to the rhythm so I can follow the steps into the light and uncover my roots. I believe I am the one willing to heal the past and unload the weight of it. Is it my calling? Is that what I came to Austin to do? It is and this week it became clear. I have been helping my sister out at her flower shop but I haven't really been working here. Yes and no, which is something that could only make sense to me. Just like miyagi's wax on wax off proved a great fighting skill for when the time arrived so shall this. It has been made clear to me the depth of the work I came to do here and out of respect for those I love I will not disclose details. All I will say is there is mending that has to take place with two young women who were raised to compete. Unwillingly. Never wanted to. There are severe consequences to constantly being compared to someone, which caused a distance greater than the states that used to separate us. The mending has just begun and a long journey lies ahead but love will prevail. This I sensed as I drove across state lines and could feel the weight slowly start to dissapate and continued to do so as I wax on and wax off to the rhythm of the music orchestrated by God and the universe. ;-)
What I never knew was that I was coming to Austin to discover where I come from. I know the facts. I was born in Brownsville, never been, as we left to Monterrey Mexico where my birth father is from shortly after and then was raised in El Paso. On my own I left to study fine arts at fifteen in Monterrey, at seventeen in Mexico City and finally spread my wings wide and headed out west far from it all when I was nineteen. I had been raised in the arts with an uncle who always ran cultural institues in different cities which allowed me to grow up around writes like Carlos Fuentes and painters like Jose Luis Cuevas. My uncle himself is a published poet. My mom was a ballet dancer at Bellas Artes in Mexico City but as the oldest of her siblings was forced to leave her passion to raise them. As life unfolded she became a florist and interior decorator following in her mother's footsteps. Her sister was a model who had traveled the world and an actor whose time acting was mostly spent in Mexico City in the same place I would study years later and make my television debut.
By all acounts this would help me understand why poetry steals my heart and longs to be written, why acting felt like I had been doing it my whole life the first time I performed as Snow White in my elemetary classroom play and why I have kicked my leg to the top of my head as far as I can remember while always being drawn to move when music comes on. Any kind of music. It is in my blood would always be my response. My mother's side. By all acoounts I could never imagined it was something I longed to do, all of it, consistently whether paid or not because not only did it speak to my soul, but suprisingly because it's in father's family as well. I don't know my grandparents or aunts and uncles etc. Barely knew my father so how could I know them. Till this day I am the only one in my family who acknowledges him as my father and acknowledges his passing. I have my reasons for doing so and my family has their reasons for doing as they wish. Neither one of us right or wrong just on different journeys.
A journey which led me home to Austin as I mentioned earlier to heal a very damaged, strained relationship and unbeknownst to me to discover where I came from. Here I met friends of the family and found out one of them was my father's nephew. I remember thinking my birth father? I felt an instant connection and a desire to know more from people who actually knew him. It turns out him and his wife were as drawn to me as I was to them. Last week we sat and chatted for four hours straight and clarity hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't just come home to heal one relationship. I came to heal so many. It is said in certain traditions that one family member is chosen to heal the past of the family so that love can enter and replace the weight of all that is being carried. As we spoke about that it made complete sense to me but something that made a lot of sense as well was my longing to continue to folow my heART no matter where life guides me to. To never stop dancing, literally. Or acting or producing or being out spoken about my connection to God and the universe no matter who that disspells from my life.
As it turns out I come from a long line of artists on my dad's side too! They spoke of the bohemian cousin who was a lawyer by day, one of the most respected in Monterrey, but by a night an afficionado of the guitar, which led him to playing for days straight. Then came the story that shed light on why I continue to dance. Why without dance I feel like mother nature without rain or seasons or air. A man by the name of Xavier Garza Galindo. I knew of my mother and her passion for it which led to me starting classes at three years old. I am so beyond grateful for that. However it was amazing to discover that the beat goes on because of a man who danced in NY and Chicago, LA and had his own dance academy in Monterrey for nine years where my dad's nephew's wife was his student. The beauty undfolded before my eyes and I can tell this is just the beginning and that this will not only help me, whoever in my family is open to it but most of all me and my future family. My husband and children and the fanmily we create together on God's time will indeed greatly benefit from all this healing as well and it is in tha knowledge that I came to understand the profoundness of these words, "Hold on to me as we go as we roll down this unfamiliar road. And although this wave is stringing us along. Just know you’re not alone cause I’m going to make this place your home. Settle down, it'll all be clear. Don't pay no mind to the demons. They fill you with fear. The trouble it might drag you down. If you get lost, you can always be found." HOME! I AM FOUND! I AM HOME! I AM YOU! Lets let the weight that may sometimes string us along be the waters that carry us home. ;-)
Before I give you the wrong idea let me just say I am not declaring to God and the universe that they can have my $150 from my pole dancing. All of our journeys are different and all require respect because none of us walk in the shoes of other therefore can't afford to know why certain decisions are made however this $150 dance is more of a dance of instruction and guidance. Meaning it was directed by God and instructed through signs delivered by the universe.
By the time I made it home for Christmas in 2011 I had done as Mr. Rothman requested when he issued me a thirty day notice to vacate by December 21, 2011. Merry Christmas! At this point I had also had a Happy F You bday Adriana from my latest commercial gig as I was let go and replaced since the client changed their mind. The odds of that are one in a million but so are the odds of winning a car. Get my drift?
Having had both things happen to me, Yes I've also won a car, (On merit as Damion likes to remind people), I knew where this was leading. I've been aware of the signs and following their guidance long enough to know what was happening. I wasn't thrilled about the all in one year factor but I kept my faith that as much as was being taken all at once so would I receive, as so much space had been cleared. My father and Neil aside.
So when Crystal Pouriad at Seattles Best on Ventura Blvd. asked me "if I believed in God?" as I ordered a cup of coffee I knew something was up. When my phone rang as I cried in the shower at my parent's house not asking but begging for mercy and forgiveness as the darkness was preying on my weakness and it was Crystal on the other end, yet again I knew something was unfolding.
It all became clear when emails where exchanged by a woman who wishes to remain anonymous. I will call her Cardiff by the Sea because you see when I wanted anonymity to go heal and finish my book I spoke to her about renting her Cardiff by the sea apartment. Sadly she couldn't do just one month but she gave me more than she imagined or perhaps her rental could have. When I explained why I could only do a month she felt the connection and shared her loss. A sister, hit with cancer twice in one year and concluded I had been truly tossed about by the universe.
It was then that it all became clear. Two angels had shared similar loss. The news had covered plenty of loss since the economy collapsed. Ondrea had also lost her home of ten years when I lost mine of eleven. People are dying everyday, loss. Concluding that change is the ONLY CONSTANT, and taxes as Avenue Q reminds us , I set out to buy the best camera $150 could afford.
In a sense I was fearless because at this point I had nothing to loose! Being able to see my dad someday after twenty-six years of not seeing him, gone. Dream over. Being able to see Neil work his magic on raising precious Millie, being a loving husband and make a digital movie look like film, making it win a 6000 entry international film competition but in a different more brighter way, gone. Dream over! Laying my head in my room, changing in my dressing area, working in my home office, dancing on the couch with Zoey to Katy Perry or Taylor Swift, gone! Dream over as eleven years of memories and 1,200 sq ft. became living our of my car.
I saw two years worth of work on my latest production gone overnight because I couldn't agree to extension terms or being bullied. I was called a fraud, liar and many other names all after saying one word, NO. I stand by what I said in defense of myself because yes I have learned how to take care of me and my team. So while this dream ended I had a hand in this dream being over and I would do it again. Most of all I had trust that God knew there was reason to its end and it would reveal itself in time as it has.
Loosing my home, commercial and film all in one month was just as it was meant to be. It became apparent in final negotiations of film option, that God shun a light on the darkness to reveal things I had to see. That clarity made it possible to decipher Crystal and Cardiff by the sea as they entered my life. They gave me the courage to do one of the most brave things I have ever done, not give a fuck.
Please truly pardon my French Monseuir and Mademoiselle but when the storm hits like it did in my life and you are left in the aftermath like I was, the last thing on my mind was to play by filmmaking rules. $150 bought me the Nikon L105 and life was gifting me the art. I would have to rely on Mother Nature for lighting as well as set decorations. God would do the directing and this time there would be no acting from me. Simply living life on its terms and trusting with all my heart COME WHAT MAY that I was following the signs. Which allowed me to pick up the camera and DP aka be my own director of photography. In simplest terms camera woman for the first time.
A camera I handed to whoever was present when possible. While I avoided telling most what I was doing so no one would act for the camera of those that did know some were quick to tell me how I was missing important elements to filmmaking and could not do it without them forgetting there is no amount of heart equipment or film school can gift you greater than what's already in me. All I had to do was summon the courage to reveal my heart and passion. Remembering that the you can't do it usually means I can't so I will tell you can't either and we will live in the world of someday when we can together. A companionship I do not wish to be afforded so I continued channelling God, remembering the words of Cotter after seeing my first production, The Art of Being, "Well done. I implore you to carry on and see where this takes you." Most of all I continued summoning the courage to decipher and follow the signs.
I made a conscious decision to dance through the storm instead of waiting for it to pass because I held a deep understanding in my God compass aka gut that this was not just a dance for me. It was for all of us, for humanity. Loss is a part of life that is usually lived in company of the darkness aka lucifer, negative energy etc. but more than anything it is something all of us WILL experience unlike fame and riches, which society has chosen to place high above all and value the most.
I danced, literally, for ME and YOU. I left all worries behind trusting that it was up to me to show that yes I lost but that the only true way to loosing overall would be to not get up and dance, to give up on life. Trust me on a lot of days, like when I was living out of my car and my tire popped on the 101, giving up seemed like the obvious but because I didn't I can now hand over to my greatest teacher my homework assignmment.
God and the universe, here it is! I hope you are proud but most of all I hope together we can shine a light on loss and healing. I am beyond humbled that you would truust me to such an extent to carry out the assignment. This $150 dance is yours and miracle is ours! Let the magic of the healing begin! Your most humbled daughter, Adri
P.S. more can be found at www.facebook.com/adrianagarzaproductions but here's a taste of the journey.
Love at first sight. Borrowing words from a friend.
I see you!
I know you. I am you.
I love you!
More magic! My vision on my journal dated January 6, 2012
An accidental outcome. We were shooting one of me doing the splitz in the air that day to be the artwork for the doc and during a dance break I handed my Denise, who was photographing, my iphone and spread my wings. I guess God and the universe had another idea for the artwork. Exceeded my expectation like things do when I leave them in their hands.
Once we saw what happened I handed it over to Jonathan Sanhueza for his magical touch. So thanks to Steve Jobs, his invention, Jonathan and of course Mother Nature and God and the universe I have the final artwork. The dream from the pages of my journal has come to life. So the dance continues....
By society's standards I should or could have amounted to nothing. A Latina raised by a single mother in a country that was not my Mother's with a father who left when I was seven and no college education. If I played by the rules society affords me I might as well have thrown in the towel the day I saw my father leave in his station wagon. But it's those very moments that can define us in the best of ways.
I may not have had the easiest of lives but what would I know of my most powerful always present companions, God and the universe, had everything always gone right. I woke up contemplating this because I am still dancing through the tail end of the storm seeing where this tornado is leading once it fully decides to stop. Even once it does life with all it's beauty will still happen on its terms.
I choose life because it chooses me. Everyday that I wake up and take my first breath there is wow factor to it for me. I'm here!! It's a miracle. To me it is and if you had walked in my shoes you 'd understand but let's just say Neil waking up as I see death now and transitioning into existence on another realm impacts my view.
Somedays I am exhausted like I was last night. It happens when the signs aren't ready to reveal their meaning and I try to decipher them before it's time. So basically when I try to rush the magic. I won't lie. I'm tired! But in all honesty I'm done being so and my conviction solely but surely returned.
It was a road you'll see in my documentary because while 2011 may have been the straw that broke LA's back and detoured me to Austin a lot had to happen for me to be ready. Years of preparation. In those years I had to keep up a good fight. I had to know what only I could know because God and the universe where whispering to only me. I am not the labels given to me by society based on my circumstances, which are out my control. I am indeed who I choose to become not in spite of those circumstances but because of them. I choose the labels as I define me and will always keep up a good fight and redefine all that has been defined for me.
Even if that means that I have to surround my most beloved bound by blood journey companion who is now closer in distance with love to help dis spell their fear of their supposed journey of demise I am on. It surely hurts when darkness prevails in those you love the most and comes after you, but like I told it, you WILL NOT take them or me down on my watch. Thank you light for showing yourself to counter attack in Ruben's words. I second all he said. "AND THE TYPE OF ARMOR THAT WILL NEVER TAKE DEFEAT AS COMPROMISE. RETREAT, MAYBE BUT, ONLY TO GATHER YOURSELF UP FOR A BIG CHARGE INTO THE BREACH. WE LOVE YOU."
I'm back because I was reminded to breathe and then rescued which in the process led to me growing stronger and in the end I became a fighter once more. Do you know why I will succeed darkness? God and the universe know what your ego fails to allow you to see. My fight is not solely for me. It's for humanity as we are all bound by ties that existence
gifts us and the biggest one is the light. But I'm preaching to the choir. You already know, after all this isn't the first time you loose. If that means everyday I have to blast this song on my walks to remind you darkness and me than so be it as its words could not be more true. I am coming back because I am ready to reveal the gifts of my circumstances and be the label I choose to be, a loving fighter most of all child of God and the universe. That title carries enough brightness to brighten even the darkest of souls. Shame on you for preying on the weak. Pick on someone your own size. Yes I see you and I am no longer scared of you. Dear reader, I am the chosen one which means so are you. Let's keep up the fight for eachother! See you on the battlefield aka this precious gift called life! This fighter has brought to life these words "Give em hell, turn their heads. Gonna live life 'til we're dead. Give me scars, give me pain. Then they'll say to me, say to me, say to me there goes the fighter, there goes the fighter. Here comes the fighter. That's what they'll say to me, say to me, say to me, THIS ONE'S A FIGHTER."
P.S.
(c) Cheryl Richardson
Therefore now when I think of you I am not sad. I smile and think of when it was brighter than the sun and I am grateful I got to know what that is like. When I think of the past I am grateful for it gifted me the present. When I miss my LA family I find solace in gratitude for them as their friendship gave birth to my being able to endure 2011 which ultimately birthed, "And She Danced, Life after loss." When I think of the darkness I am grateful as it reminds me of the importance of the light and what it gifts me when I look past its temporary visit. What didn't kill me made me stronger and because I am here to shine light as of this very moment I can no longer be your host and entertain you. Dearest Fear I won't let you linger. I have my wings again, my conviction is back and to you I say see you in the battlefield I'll be the one shinning brightly from within! Thanks for reminding me just how far away from you I must be in order to shine brighter than the sun. My only wish is others like me can find the strength to not host or entertain you as life is brighther than you make it appear but things aren't always what they seem. I'm back and it's almost time. I can genuinely feel it and for that I AM GRATEFUL because who am I to tell fate where its supposed to go. All I simply do is navigate the winds of change and this change, oh my, this change is birthing magic!
This blog was inspired by the picture above taken at Town Lake in Austin, July 2, 2012.
Swimming against the current is a fine thing in my book considering I hold Thomas Jefferson's words in my heart, "In matters of style swim with the current. In matters of principle stand like a rock." I abide by them except in matters of style I stand like a rock as well rooted in individuality, which allows me to express my art of being girlie.
In a phone conversation last night a lot of light was shed on my swimming. A dear friend also left Los Angeles ten years before I did. We discussed the freedom that came with leaving behind the dense energy of the city. Being that we are both born and raised Texas girls the energy combined with our natural energy was a tough combo. It is a BEAUTIFUL city with so much to offer but in my experience rooted in superficiality turning truly talented people into people who question their God given talents and sell their individuality for a chance at stardom.
We discussed how I had managed to live my way into my late twenties letting go of the tight grip the city's rules/energy had once held on this growing twenty something. How I had learned to swim against the current not fearing but embracing going in the opposite direction. Something I loved to do but, which 2011 proved to be a difficult task as that year I did not swim against the current, I swam against high tides desperately coming up for air whenever I could.
What I learned was that sometimes life will take everything from you to get your attention. I thought I had let go, surrendered and was open to the possibilities. That wasn't the case. At least not to the level God and the universe needed me to be or life as I knew it would not had been stripped from me little by little and enough to get my attention.
I embraced each detour as it came remaining hopeful that magic was on its way yet again learning that the arrival of it is on God's time. As I get ready to celebrate my mom's Suprise 70th birthday party, which she thinks is my sister's engagement party, I smile because I could have never imagined this. That I'd be here with all my siblings celebrating her. I am stubborn so I refused to leave LA as a bitter divorcee without a settlement, my residuals. But after my Microsoft avail n(being on hold for commercial) did not turn into a booking and two intense weeks followed it I could see clearly what God wanted from me. I guess the Texas plates I saw all over LA where a sign too. ;-)
So here I am in Austin living a simple life. A life rooted in individuality in a city that encourages not only that but for you to help keep it weird. I knew I wanted to end up here someday but I never dreamt so soon or under the circumstances, which I
came here. Ones you'll see soon as my documentary's trailer is finished and will be up online soon. And ones I wouldn't wish upon anyone and yet I am grateful for them as they were just what I needed in order to get it. Sometimes life will give more than we think we can handle yet I think Mother Teresa said it best, "I know God doesn't give me anything I can't handle I just wish he didn't trust me so much." For me it's I wish it didn't trust me so much as I think assigning this mysterious powerful source in the vast unknown of the universe would limit my thinking. ;-)
So in leaving LA so many lessons came as you will soon see for yourself soon but most of all yet again a bond grew. The bond with God, the universe and all the magic of the unseen grew as I drove past Arizona, New Mexico and breathed my way into Texas. Breaths that became effortless! In leaving I learned that swimming against the current and knowing how to can definitely come in handy but swimming in high tides, barely breathing and hoping not to drown can truly affect your health. I've learned that in being able to barely breathe I found appreciation for my breath, its importance and what matters most is what I think of me not what others think of me or my circumstances. In leaving I learned that letting go is the path to magic only God and the universe will provide, once again, on their time. After all for me magic just like pain is a choice that can be-li(e)ved in over and over again. The choice to surrender and follow the signs is yours! I'll try to remember as best as I can that " Life is a journey not a destination, there are no mistakes, just chances we take." I took a chance on leaving!
I have been fortunate enough to have lived the kind of life whose experiences have allowed me to see both ends of the spectrum. I have lived in the huge three story home growing up and I lived in the trailer home growing up. I have friends who bus dishes for a living and friends who never have to pick up their own dishes. I have been surrounded by people whose fame effects their life the bare minimum and people who would feel they were worth nothing without fame.
I myself have set up the cords, taped them down on stages and learned to run sound and lighting boards so that my play, The Art of Being, could reach audiences. I have catered for the cast, carried all our product and props for the play from El Paso to Chicago to San Antonio and back to Los Angeles. Due to my willingness to not be the label of the job and just do it I have also sat at Carnegie Hall in NYC with Sandra Bullock, David Bowie, Iman, Barbara Walters and Catherine Zeta Jones present as the President of GLAMOUR Magazine announced to everyone that evening at the Women of the Year Awards that this little girl from El Paso was the winner of the Toyota Moving Forward Award. After I returned to the task of no job is too big or too small and produced my first short film which led to the Rome Film Festival. Then I continued on to Bear Fruit wearing all hats once again and that journey led to my move to Austin and my continued growth. It's detour path has as usual led me to a life better than I dreamt or was living. Between you and me that coarse gray hair that stood up on head and made me look like alfafa has not resurfaced since my move to Austin. So following the signs is also helping my health.
In my industry in front and behind the camera the ratio of jobs to people seeking them is small so I must remain open at all times to putting that gaffer tape down and open to those experiences leading to the magic only humility can bring. In being able to be both the actor portraying the character or the producer, crew etc. I am afforded the ability to not only learn birth the gifts of humility. I often have people say to me that I am lucky because of some of my accomplishments or people I know etc. and while I may just smile I do not believe in luck. To me if there is such a thing I make it by being able to follow the path the signs lead me on, having an open heart and being humble about what God and the universe ask of me in order to grow in this existence.
One of the greatest gifts ever came from my first production and having to wear all and I mean all hats. Ask anyone who knew me then just how thin I got and tired I was from lack of sleep. After that I experience I walked onto every million dollar set with a new found appreciation for every person there having done their job on my extremely low budget productions, which allowed to truly understand the importance of team work.
This weekend I was part of the production team that Univision brought together to be able to give birth to the bilingual music festival H2O. It was a experience that I have no doubt all my past experiences allowed me to not only endure but to face with absolute humility choosing to see yet again that no job is too small or too big. If a runner wasn't around to help I had no problem carrying crates, poles etc. all so that the people paying their savings, weekly paycheck etc. could get what they came for. In my view a day of music they found solace in which they were willing to spend their hard earned money on. I was getting paid well so there was no reason for me to not do my job and then some.
I chose to be a part of that extraordinary team because of what I saw the event did. It brought all those artists together to feed people's souls through their music and afford them solace and to unite humanity through one the most beautiful artforms, music. Not everyone there shared my view on humility and while it broke my heart I understand that we are all on different journies with different lessons to be learned. As for me my view has given me the privilege to be part of the team that brings H2O to Los Angeles, which made me realize even more how blessed I am as my dream of being based in Austin and travel for work has become my reality.
While my career in production grows beyond indie I will always hold true to my roots and the gifts it gave me. Always finding a way to put out into the world, passion and love. So don't worry my documentary will see the light of day. As a matter of fact by July latest the trailer for, "And She Danced, life after loss", will hit the internet. For now and as usual I am truly humbled by God and the universe's magic and their willingness to continue to trust me as I do them. May the unseen guide your heart to your passion and along the way may you find yourself in the eyes of another as you humbly walk this existence knowing we all come from the same place and will go to the same place when we wake up. Whatever this dream is truly about, this man made social ladder will not define it for me and therefore I intend to LIVE all kinds of experiences. See you on the path, as a good friend once told me. May humility allow me to see myself in your eyes and may we see the gifts of our paths crossing! May we grow in LOVE together for a beautiful TODAY!
To all the extraordinary hundreds of people who made H2O possible, I bow to you! And everyone working hard for a better today. To everyone I met I am honored to know you. See you in LA!
In 2008 I started making a plan to move to Austin. I had come three times that year to visit. I fell in love more and more each visit. It is known for being weird yet I consider it a unique town with the ability to possess a growing entertainment industry but not a growing overload of billboards telling you who to be, what to watch and basically pushing you into their idea of you. On the contrary this city possesses the ability to support individuality in many art forms from music to dance to theatre and of course film.
My plan began in the pages of my journal in 2008 as I sat at Flipnotics contemplating the loss of a relationship and the gaining of self love. At the time my boyfriend broke up with stating reasons that were all I loved about myself therefore leading me down a path of self love. Something that till this day I thank him for. A path which led to coming to Austin and sitting in the corner of my sister's apartment starring out the window at trees while reading "The Witch of Portobello" followed by taking my journal and walking to Flipnotics down the street. In case you don't frequent my blog the journey of reading that novel led to me adapting it, producing a short film I starred in based on it and premiering it at the Rome Film Festival. Proving to me that every detour has a purpose no matter how dark the road en route.
So when 2011 kept constantly detouring me I knew God and the universe were up to something magical that wouldn't necessarily top all I had lived but would continue to help me grow in faith and in awe of what is born of being able to navigate the darkness. A darkness that came as quick as it left. Just as I would feel the sunlight on my face again lighting the way it would disappear. First Neil transitioned, then my father, then my agency dropped me (this had a fast resolve as I signed with CESD shortly after but was about the only detour whose destination came quickly), then I walked away from my film's extended option terms loosing two years of work but gaining an obscene amount of knowledge, colleagues and support because of those two years, which was followed by loosing my apartment and then getting hired and let go from a Honda commercial all in one week because the client changed their mind after one audition and two callbacks. I was let go the eve of my 35th birthday. Happy birthday to me! Time would prove it to be, minus sarcasm, the greatest birthday gift.
You see the thing for me is that when I set a plan in motion aka journal it God and the universe set the wheels in motion and start preparing me for its arrival. What rarely happens is arrival on my time but what always happens with the arrival of God's time is a revelation of magic beyond sight and my faith growing in a way words can't capture nor would do it justice.
At my new beginning party in Los Angeles the month I decided to pack up and head to Austin the words mid life crisis came up to describe what I was growing through and being detoured to. It got me thinking and while I am not a fan of labels of any sort, otherwise according to some I am too much of a girlie girl to think they way I do and I should look more like a hippie and do drugs to explain my belief in the unseen, this particular label on my circumstances made me realize that I was able to take the leap of faith, pack up and leave because I had stayed present in a mid life realization. Often confused with a crisis.
This was not a crisis! To me a crisis seems like there is no solution or it's too overwhelming to move forward because you are in crisis mode. Sure someways had me laying in bed but most days had me encouraging myself to move through the darkness trying to understand the signs listening to my God instinct so I could read my God compass and follow its direction.
As it turns out all 2011 detours were leading to the 2008 dream, Austin. So here I am LIVING the dream four years after my journal received acknowledgement of its desire. Was the road here what I envisioned? Not at all! But guess what, the destination just like NY and Glamour, Rome and the red carpet is quite stunning. People are so kind, willing to open their hearts to me and not even twenty four hours after my road trip here I had my first free lance production job as part of the production team launching the H2O Univision bilingual music festival in Dallas in a few weeks. And Adriana Garza Productions not only has a documentary in post but a project in development already whose introduction into my life could have not been more timely and could have only happened here. Proving once again that God is in the details.
So I leave you with these thoughts as my new beginning commences. Sometimes life is guiding somewhere more magical than you can dream. Our mind can only conjure up so much, which is why I go beyond the unseen often. Yes the journey there may get dark but would I appreciate the light and its value without knowing the complete opposite? Highly unlikely. This isn't a mid life crisis be that thirty five is no where near mid life. To me this is a life changing realization. A realization that no matter where I am I can be and do what I love. That no particular city holds the key to my success that key is safely guarded in my heart, soul and found with my God instinct. Turns out LA was giving birth to Austin and for having my heart open so I could see the signs that led me here I am grateful! I am about to break all the rules on how my industry works. Rules we've been sold for decades now. I know this is why God wanted me here. We are all pioneers, some of us just step up when the calling comes to be the change we are guided to be. Hope you stay for the ride! One thing is for sure, my shadow days are over! Goodbye 2011 hello 2012!!! The year of life changing, faith growing, awe struck miracles I can only give birth to by staying out of my own shadow.
Dearest Los Angeles,
It is hard to believe it has been sixteen years since I first fell in love with you. When I lived in Texas and Mexico and I had heard of you, you seemed like such a distant place where only special people lived. A place so magical it took so much courage for me to believe I could belong in its beauty. At the time you were the new and desired adventure. A break from routine where even more magical things could be born. For years you and I had a love hate relationship but as I type this I can definitely say I am GRATEFUL for all the gifts born in the challenges birthed in the curves of your canyons, offices of seeming Gods or at least humans with egos allowing them to believe they are a God and can control my Fate, and in the arms of those European cities our work took me to that held within them the biggest test of all, my test of character.
You and I have come to an agreement to divorce amicabily. No ill words, just a simple understanding that the time has come for a new beginning and that our mutual love has taken us to where we needed to get to embark on this new beginning. I still remember getting off the one way ticket plane ride with four hundred dollars, two suitcases, one with clothes and one with shoes, and a dream like it was yesterday. A dream that all your challenges helped me exceed. As you well know I never dreamt of fame or money but simply of acting. You however being such a loving, caring partner wanted more from me and pushed me in every possible way to make the I'MPOSSIBLE my reality. Sometimes you begged, pleaded and pushed me into a corner ultimately because you had my best interest at hand and because I was too stubborn then to be open to the signs. In that corner I found my voice, I fell in love ( a lot in a lot of ways), and ultimately learned that the road less traveled does indeed birth dreams beyond my imagination.
As I traveled to Paris and London alone, as I had always wanted to before getting married and having kids, you patiently awaited my return so I could share my growth. Then off to New York I went more than a few times because of you, The Art of Being and fate. I posed for a national magazine for the first time and came back elated to share the experience with you, the award it led to and continued to stay in it with you till our next journey took us to Rome. Again you awaited my return anxiously so I could tell you all about Paulo Coelho, my experience on the red carpet and all the magic of staying true to myself in your arms. All that was born of being with you but still being me.
You also gave me the greatest gift a woman could ever wish for, friends who proved family is not only found in blood, but in being love. You always found a way to help me wonder your streets into the arms of the BEST and I kid not when I say BEST people you held in your streets and as a result I fell in love. At one point or another they all were a flashlight that illuminated the sometimes darkened streets ego's power can create in your beauty. Beauty that is like nothing I have ever seen. In Griffith and Runyon I came to understand the signs and learn how to follow them through my gut. In Malibu I found LOVE in a magical way! Well honestly I don't have to tell you, as you know, you bent yourself and exposed yourself in every way possible to give me the best life and you did. You so did.
But as the song says "I've been afraid of changing cause I build my life around you!" I had become so enamored with all you gave me and all your promises I fell into the arms of routine because after the past couple of years my nerves were shot. As you know through the grace of God I faced everyday as best as I could in that moment but it was becoming apparent, we no longer belonged together. Something that became so clear when I was in the waiting room for the Honda audition I booked and I wanted to be anything but love and tell the girls conversing about how great it was to be skinny and how they accomplished it, that death was knocking at their door too and would greet them one day, maybe too soon like it had Neil, so they should shut the fuck up and find a more productive way to spend their waiting room time. I was loosing myself in you. Your hold on me and its routine was making me angry and it took another six months but as you know I finally did it. I finally let you go. As I type this I await the morning anxiously as the movers will arrive and return me to the place I so anxiously fled at nineteen.
You more than anyone know I am so grateful for our sixteen years, all you gave me and the woman I became BECAUSE OF YOU! However now that I genuinely feel the winds of change guiding me without fear of them knocking me down again I can leave you. I can leave you and give birth to my new dream. One I have shared with you for almost four years. I can go there now and you know why I can? Because of what YOU gifted me. It will open doors or close them as I am still that woman certain that the only way to her dream and the I'MPOSSIBLE is with my dignity in tact. I should thank you for all the men whose art I fell in love with and for having them teach me about unconditional love as most of them thought it okay to put their banana in every fruit bowl available and you taught me to love them even with our differences and YET TO LOVE ME MORE. You know whose in Austin, you know what is in Austin and I know you know it's time to go claim the life I can only claim thanks to you.
I LOVE YOU, I WILL MISS YOU, AND I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU. THANK YOU FOR MY NEW BEGINNING!
With immense gratitude,
Adri
"You think you got the best of me. You think you got the last laugh. Bet you think that everything good is gone. Think you left me broken down. Think that I'd come running back. Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong." "You didn't think that I'd come back. I'd come back swinging." I'd hate to admit it but for a while you had me doubting not if I'd come back but just how powerful my swing could be and if I could stop telling myself the story of last year, other than in the edit bay for the documentary, and LIVE in the now, life AFTER loss.
As you witnessed this morning I finally deciphered the signs! Yet again I feel like I am dreaming just like I did the first time GLAMOUR called me to tell me I was a finalist for the Toyota Moving Forward Award. The same way I felt again when I saw my name just as I had envisioned for months as it appeared when I was named the winner of Paulo Coelh's The Experimental Witch International Film Competition. And of course the way I felt as I was getting ready to walk the red carpet in Rome with Paulo Coelho at our film's premiere and I looked up and said to God, "You, you did it again." And well God did it again and you dearest darkness have got to go.
It's time to watch the storm clouds that descend with your arrival, ascend with your departure and it's time to showcase the light the sun brings on God's time with this END (Entirely New Direction) and to welcome the new beginning I have deciphered the END of my documentary will birth. You have served your purpose and without you I wouldn't be able to call the miracle unfolding before my eyes a miracle, so THANK YOU for showing me the way back to my inner light and gifting me with the willingness to choose it over you.
As you know these past few days we met in the battlefield and you came heavily armed when I was most vulnerable, at night, and attacked. I would wake and remind you of my faith while I clutched my LOVE pillow tightly. The light aka God will let us both know it's got it and when I woke up today and deciphered the signs, lack of clarity did not afford me during your stay, I got what all the signs peaced (intended) together meant. It became very clear.
As it did I am sure to your dismay you heard the OMG!!!!, and witnessed my countless smile followed by my dance to magic. Yes this is the part of the relationship that is always hard to do but in my case easy to accept, it's time to part ways. Before we do I would like to say thank you for showing me once again, who I am, what I am made of, who I am not and just how much I can bend without breaking. Most of all how beautiful it is to arrive at this journey's destination, the sunshine conviction brings and watch the storm clouds of doubt become a thing of the past.
It's time once again to part ways so as I bid you farewell I thank you for teaching me how not to give up!
I thank you for teaching me how live beyond my fears!
And accept the magic that can only be born from learning that life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain. I've done that and NOW it's time to dance in the magic of "God's gifts putting dreams to shame." YOU know exactly what I mean.
Yesterday was an amazing day for me. I got to try something new that scared me immensely but given all I have lived this past year I know there isn't much I can't handle when it comes to overcoming fear. Sometimes it takes me longer than I would like but in that I learn patience. I don't just get patience magically, I am put in scenarios, which help me acquire it. It seems to be happening a lot lately. Yesterday I had to be really patient with myself and I was in awe of how patient my teacher was.
This young man once upon a time used to hold my hand and I would take him to get hot chocolate and skateboard in the neighborhood. He was eleven and I was nineteen. While he has an amazing mom I felt very protective of him like a mom would. Always making sure he wouldn't hurt himself or others. I could have never imagined that one day he would make a living at skateboarding professionally or that I would ask him to teach me how. Once upon a time I got on a skateboard and fell right off as it took off without me. I vowed never to get on one again. Same thing happened with skiing. I fell. Pretty hard. My brother played the ski right by me tough love game and yelled at me to get up. Needless to say I got up, made it down, and never skied again. That is why yesterday's lesson will remain with me forever in the best of ways.
I fell and I fell hard. The kind of falling that scares you and others. So much so that my teacher, PRod (as he goes by now), thought I wouldn't continue. However this time when I fell not only had I already fallen a lot in a lot of ways in the last year, my teacher got me back up with love. I laid there until I felt like I could move. Once I did I slowly got up and got back on the board. To be honest I kinda don't want to watch the playback of the fall. If it looks like how it felt it wasn't pretty. I am blessed to say the least. It has been years since I had fallen skiing and years since any sort of fear has paralyzed me and kept me from moving forward. So as everyone patiently waited I made my way back on the board and kept going at it for two more hours. I fell, got back up, rested, got frustrated, fell again, ran from the board as it chased me (which looks as funny as it sounds) and in the end I mastered the tricks Paulie, as I have called him since he was a kid, taught me.
It took effort and in the end I smelled of my conquered fear as I informed Paulie as he went to hug me for my accomplishments. He told me that after the fall, which took place right away, he didn't think I'd get back on the board and that I had done more than he expected. You are talking about someone who rode a skateboard for the first time in her life not only at thirty-five but a professional's skate park. Ramps and all. How far did I go and just what did I accomplish? Well for that you will have to see "And She Danced, Life after loss." I will tell you this, the entire experience was a metaphor for my life and especially my past year.
As Paulie told me "skateboarding is all about allowing your body to guide you not your mind", just as it is in dancing. If you get ahead of the tempo you will leave the board behind like I did or you will force yourself to lead instead of allowing your teacher to do so. Valuable lessons I have learned first hand. I did master the art of falling gracefully. I would have taught Paulie that but he would have needed to go backwards in his training. ;-) This is the same guidance I must listen to when it comes to life. Yes I will fall but if my heart is open to what my intuition is saying to me in the soft whispers that are stronger than the loud sounds of the negative committee (False Evidence Appearing Real) I will surely stand once again on time, God's time, armed with enough faith to feel the fear and do it anyway. I did it and I lived to tell about it. GRATEFUL I conquered the fear of falling! In that fall came the biggest lesson of all, standing is a choice I can make if I can truly trust beyond what I can see.
I chose not to see his work before skating with him, although his mom and dad have told me about it, as to not scare myself more. After I road with him and saw his videos tonight I can honestly say skateboarding is an art! I have so much respect for anyone who can just get on the board and stay on it. For me it was mostly about balance. Just like in my life. Please do not skate without protective gear. It saved my life. Enjoy PRod's amazing work!
The falls. ;-) "It's the experience paid by all the mistakes. It's the heart to get up and try again."
As for me I will keep going beyond the fear through the unknown and into the i'mpossible! I will keep dancing to the rhythm God and the universe provide me with in their beautiful piece written just for me, falls and all. It's worth repeating that "what doesn't KILL you makes you STRONGER!"
This will all make sense after the drama version sees the light in 2013. This was what was born in the film competition.
So as I come down from the high of it all I see win after win after win and I do not need a panel of JUDGES to tell me if I'm a winner in life or not. The thing about life is that if we wait for others to validate us or our work we take from the journey that led us there. That's where it is at for me. No one, beside God and the universe, is ever going to know the depth of my journey and what it takes to make the impossible, possible. Which is why the constantly reward me by crossing my path with amazing I mean amazing souls! My friend Carlos worked diligently, while on tour in Europe, to get his friends Kristian and Shawn to donate music to my film. Indeed as Shawn sings below it's a beautiful life. One that allowed me to discover him and Kristian and many other talented souls willing to work as a team to make a dream come true. I am a blessed "looser", don't you think? May your journey allow you to see what a winner you are simply by having the desire to dream the impossible dream. Anything after that is icing on the cake. Oh and just in case your wondering, yes I would have liked to win the actual award but I'm grateful my journey for now is about knowing how win in other ways. This young man is our soundtrack to Road Trip with the Devil. His soulful voice will help deliver the message and if its not clear to me now than it never will be, all is as it should be.
To hear more of Shawn visit www.shawnpander.com and to see where all this is headed, stayed tuned to the road trip.
