It has been an interesting last month to say the least. Lots of change going on in my life and most of it good and all of it is leading me to my destiny. I'm having to step into some big shoes once again and I am ready for it. I am aware that the last four years of my life have been preparing me for this. The universe under God's guidance as usual is sending all the people meant to work with me on this project my way and as usual it's on God's time. So these days I'm armed with patience and if I am not I take it to the mountain aka Runyon and pray for patience. To which God replies as usual, "I can't just give you patience I have to put you in scenarios that will allow you to acquire patience" to which I reply "okay so can I please get some patience for my patience." ;-) While I may be in a hurry sometimes I know from past experiences that trying to be the hare and not the turtle while getting me there quicker takes me to a destination far less interesting than the one I arrive at if I work with the traits of the turtle.
I am in the process of producing my first feature length film and of becoming Esperanza, as I also star in the film. This journey has already come with its fair share of lessons and the most important one thus far is once again learning to go with the flow of the universe ,which brings me back to patience. This lesson is reminding me of a quote I decided to model my life after and comes from one of my favorite writers/philosophers, Ralph Waldo Emerson. "Adapt the pace of nature, her secret is patience." Truly wise words because if we really pay attention nature really takes its time to become whatever it becomes. Whether it be a seed becoming a plant or a tree changing its colors and way of being throughout seasons it takes time. It doesn't happen in a day or a week for that matter. I know I am rushing myself because I want to premiere at SXSW and have my family share this experience with me for once. I've been rejected by SXSW before but I have no intention of going for two. I also realize if it's meant to be it will be and all I can do is work towards meeting their submission deadline. While things are making their way into blooming with my production I am also being reminded to put myself and my health first while enjoying what I am doing.
I have been through two or more people trying to fill the important job positions with great talent whose vision is aligned with mine and who are willing to do the work. The huge difference between an indie film and what most of you see, Hollywood backed films, is that I don't have the budget to hire a hundred people and take all the weight off my shoulders. What I do have that a lot of the time their films lack is passion, passion for a story that needs to be told. Not passion for a box office number. ;-) A relateable, raw, and honest story which doesn't sugarcoat life so the audience can walk out thinking "Wow compared to that my life sucks and I am never going to be that pretty or cool." I don't want to contribute to the downfall of society. I want to contribute to the uprising which a lot of us are doing quietly but sooner or later when God deems it appropriate we won't be so quiet anymore. There is a shift coming. It's either that or our downfall and I refuse to believe we've come this far to just disappear. So through my work I am letting God and the universe know I care for our existence and how my work affects others. If you can see that then you'll work with me not for me. If you want to make a pretty film with pretty people that feeds stereotypes it just won't work. Needless to say after a few tries it is all coming together quite nicely.
The perfect Director has made his way into my life and become part of this journey. He will be revealed when my new website is unveiled August 1st. While it is no secret that I wanted a woman to helm the film after several attempts at it, it did not work out. Note to anyone trying to break into the industry I would suggest not being demanding with your needs until you have the job or firmly and rudely asking me questions that make you come across as intolerable because if you act this way now than I can only imagine what you'll be like in pre-production or on set. Both of these cases sadly were the women I wanted to hire. In the wise words of Todd Blackledge "A humble person never stops learning." That is what got the Director the job. Not only was he humble even after coming off of directing a film with Dan Lauria and Beth Grant but also excited about the project and most of all he NEVER, NOT ONCE looked at me or talked to me like "just a woman" but always as his equal. One thing I don't have patience for is to be treated as anything other than what I am, your equal. Trust me after fourteen years in this business and town you'd know the difference too.
He is granting me the biggest gift of all, the privilege of Becoming Esperanza. I needed to have someone I could trust one hundred percent so I could do this character and story justice as I am practically in every scene. For the first time I feel confident that I can walk away and not need to be on him about anything as we share the same vision for the story. Raw, honest, and relateable. I asked that he make it about a family who happens to be Hispanic so we can have all audiences relate to it. Make it about the world I grew up in as a Latina woman not the world Hollywood has sold you I grew up in. So after plenty of rewrites, thank you John for your patience and hard work, we are almost there. The thing about this production is that I surrounded myself with extremely talented people whose collaboration is needed to make this work which leads to a lot of opinions, discussions, compromising, and understanding.
In the end the story will be what I have seen it as since I first had that cup of coffee with John, the writer, a year ago at Austin Java as he feverishly drove back from Corpus Christi to Austin to pitch his idea to me. It's a story about a family who struggles with their cultural values and imposing them on eachother while one woman journeys through expectations that take her away from herself and back into her own becoming so she can meet her destiny. Somethings she learns the very hard way. In the process everyone involved learns the importance of trusting ourselves and not a system or a way of doing things. It's about simply being. In the end once we've navigated the waters of the unknown territory our journey leads us through I believe we are lead to just be, by learning to trust ourselves.
Esperanza meaning Hope, whose name I changed from Linda to Esperanza after a long discussion with John, is a woman who in a lot of ways is like me and in some she is not. I am actually a combination of her and my last film's character Athena. This story allows Esperanza to find her voice in her mistakes. A way I believe we all do because I believe mistakes are actually life lessons that resulted because of a risk we took, which whether in the moment worked out in our favor or not, it taught us a valuable lesson and led us to our destiny. I don't believe we arrive at our destiny unless we are willing to risk everything and have patience of course. I believe the life you lead is according to your patience. Maybe she risks under pressure and to please others but she risks and therefore her journey leads her to her destiny. This is where we differ because while I have felt cultural pressure of who and what I should be I have been blessed with the courage to follow my heart even if I truly upset some people, without that being my intention, along the way. For that courage I truly have my relationship with God to thank for. The committee i.e. all the voices in my head from past encounters telling what I can do, who I should be, and all my faults gets vetoed around here because of what I have endured and what I have held onto to be able to, my faith. For me it's all about a God of my own understanding especially when I am not understanding where life is leading me.
In the end as I journey through Bearing Fruit I know that all of this is making me a stronger woman. All the people that surround me now make me proud to be doing what I am doing and it makes the extremely hard work doable because I know that in the end one of you will get this film and in the process you will find your voice and it will lead to your destiny and if we can do that for one person than my contribution to this field some call entertainment and I choose to call art will be very satisfying. May your journey lead you to becoming the woman or man you'd want your son or daughter to be one day!
P.S. There is a daring, for me, physical transformation coming to be able to fully have the audience see Esperanza and I keep telling myself I am not Samson. ;-) Wish me luck! So long to the way you've always seen me.
