The time has come for me to bid Neil and my dad a final farewell. I don't believe this means I will stop thinking of them or wishing they were still here. I don't think I'll stop crying in my car when I think about the fact that I can't pick up the phone and ask Neil to once again remind me what camera it was he suggested, as I did this morning. I don't think I'll stop wishing that I had been ready to see my dad and that he was still here so he could look into my eyes once more and see the woman I became. I wish I could look into his and he could see my forgiveness not just hear it over the phone. I continue to picture myself holding him in my arms, caressing his head on his dying bed reassuring him that no matter what anyone says he would be greeted by God's loving arms while encouraging him to finally go be at peace.
All this is normal and part of what comes with coming to terms with those you love not being here physically anymore. Their physical existence has come to pass but I know they are with me always and are now part of the magic that comes into my life unexpectedly but at just the precise moment I needed it most, just as it has already been happening slowly but in the most magical and beautiful of ways. I believe they now have a hand in that and in the magic that has yet to come.
I did what I knew I needed to do in order to move forward through this process. I stopped wanting to skip ahead, I sat with it and all the feelings that come with loss and sought help. I did six weeks of individual therapy and twelve weeks of grief group therapy, something I resisted at first. Eventually I remembered what I learned a while ago, if I resist it persists, so I stopped resisting and showed up to the room that would change my life in the best of ways. The room where I would meet five individuals who could understand my pain like few could. Those twelve weeks are coming to an end and with that comes my final farewell to Neil and my dad which I will present tonight.
We have done everything from write letters to our loved ones who are gone, write letters expressing anger to those unable to support our mourning (so therapeutic!!), and write letters to ourselves from our loves ones who are gone while writing with our left hand aka the hand we don't usually write with. The science behind that is that the communication is clear and uninterrupted as you concentrate on writing since you don't use that hand. It's HARD to say the least! All of this could not have prepared me for my final farewell assignment. As I prepare to bid farewell to them and therapy I was asked to pay tribute to them in any form i.e. slide show, poem, letters, video etc. and present it to the group. I combined storytelling with beautiful music, pictures and video.
Compiling the pictures was hard. Listening to the music I wanted to use while I compiled the pictures and wrote the story proved even harder. Recording the videos with antidotes on both of them was hard yet beautiful. I finally gave in at my computer and wept like I did when I first found out they died. I cried and cried and cried. Woke up sick the next day and eventually found my way back to gratitude for having known both of them. One of them was the brother I wish I'd had. No offense to my own three brothers but due to distance and willingness Neil was definitely like a brother. The other was the man half responsible for my existence. He was present while I was created and gave me the greatest gift of all, life. Seeing them in pictures becoming part of tribute I knew was a final farewell road my emotional roller coaster back through the dark tunnel. A tunnel I have been in and out of a lot in the past year.
While sharing this in therapy recently one of the two therapist asked how I found meaning in life. As I cried and words mumbled out of my mouth I said "Look around, it's beautiful. Too beautiful and too magical. Ultimately it's my relationship with God and my trust and faith that get me through. Knowing God is ALWAYS with me." Now I trust it's time to LIVE. Not that I haven't been because trust me nothing propels you into LIVE LIVE LIVE like death. But it's time for my prayer to become my reality. I am going to move forward right on time and be GENUINELY happy once again. While I believe happiness is a choice. One I choose to make in spite of whatever the outcome my efforts bring forth. An outcome I am completely aware I am not in control of and which lately seems to be composed of constant detours leading down a magical only for me road because trust me when I say NOTHING has been like I dreamed in the last year. Most of it hard but ultimately the beauty of the mess came to be the light I have always held within. A light which was temporarily on really bad days nowhere to be found and this caused my genuine happiness to be replaced with sorrow. A light my friends have a very BIG part in leading me back to.
So as I composed this tribute I did what felt right to do, give credit where credit is due, as you will see. My healers aka my friends...my darling, beautiful, and amazing friends! New and old. WOW! How can one girl be so blessed?!!! They remind me of so many great quotes but mostly this one, “Friends are God's way of taking care of us.” Through them I was touched by God's grace. I was reminded of the important things in life like having your hand held, your body embraced in a hug, what it's like to walk amongst the trees in deep sorrow and be in awe of the beauty that surrounds you, and to know a pain like no other and yet be surrounded by such light shining through my friends reminding me that when the time was right mine would be back too. Giving me such HOPE, all this reminding me that it's not at all about what we accomplish in life but how we affect each other and treat each other en route to those accomplishments. It's about who we choose to surround ourselves with on our way to our destination. It's about the journey. My journey even with the sorrow is definitely magical! I would be foolish not see the gifts the darkness has brought.
As life has shown me the road on my journey may sometimes not be the one I'd thought I'd be on but along the way the people I cross paths with bring reason to why I was on this detoured road. MAGICAL reasons! It's about how we can uplift each other and if given the opportunity how we can uplift beyond our immediate circle of friends, which is why I post this. Hopefully you will stumble upon this at the precise moment you needed it most. That is something God and the universe are really good at making happen! God willing through this I will pass on to you what my friends have given to me. Hopefully like me you will be guided back to your essence and your authentic self with bruises, scars and all to remind you of just how beautiful the journey truly is and how blessed you are to be here to LIVE it all!
I am going to carry Neil and my dad with me always. They are a part of everything that makes me the woman I am today. I will continue on my journey in their honor. Both were BIG dreamers! Neil saw his come to life. My dad did not. I will do what I do best. Work hard, rest when needed, take in each day as if it were my last as best as I can, love unconditionally, finally!, receive unconditional love, finally!, as I am ready and they know so I know they will have a magical hand in that, breathe and be still when I want to run, be me as best as I can everyday, continue to believe like I always have that Fate and Chance will arrive right on time, okay maybe I will let my husband have a say in their names too. ;-) What husband you ask? Well I will continue to believe that my tailor made man is on his way and will too arrive right on time cued by God and the universe. Actually if my gut/instincts serve me correctly as they usually do we have already crossed paths. PURE MAGIC I tell you! MAGIC!
I will love my family of origin for who they are and not who I wish they were, will offer that to everyone I cross paths with, see people, no really SEE people, HEAR people, practice HEARING what is being said more, let go, surrender, believe in miracles like I always have and TRUST THE PROCESS is making me the soul I am came here to be! Most of all I will forgive, forgive, forgive and that includes me! Thank you dad and Neil for taking me this far. I won't EVER forget you and I know as I let you go, you understand it's time. I won't carry, well I will try not to carry guilt with me for letting you go. The truth is you aren't gone. You know the secret now. How blessed are you! I bet it's far more magical than I can imagine I'm sure. As you already know in this tribute is what you left behind with me. This is my final farewell to you both. Au revoir till the universe conspires I carry you in my heart always!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
