Tonight as I danced the night away and gave it my all I realized that I rarely give myself credit for what I am, a trained dancer. I seem to have a voice from the committee i.e. thoughts composed of what others think of you not your thoughts, hanging around even though I was certain I voted the committee out a while back. This particular voice tells me I am not in my teens another, not as limber, not as graceful not as talented of a dancer as I was once. The same voice that I have allowed to speak when my teacher has asked me to perform with him, shouting no inside of me reminding me I can't since I haven't really trained since I left Texas, therefore allowing me to verbalize its fear and say no to my teacher when asked.
As I looked in the mirror while I danced in class tonight, something I rarely do and need to do more of, I looked into my own eyes and told myself to own it. To dance as if it were my last dance! To not be afraid of being labeled a show off or not good enough to simply own my rhythm and as my teacher Jerry shouted free style I did just that. I owned it! It felt so good! I shook it to the rhythm of my soul! I felt so alive and so aware. AWARE that I am still there! That I am still a DANCER! I can keep believing I am too old to be any good anymore or I can laugh at that thought eventually organically letting it go. I am good. I mean I worked at it since I was three so why would I not be. ;-)
This is me sitting up straight as a then three year old in the black ballet shoes. The young girl next to me heard hunch your back not arch which is easily confused. ;-)
And me again with my fellow dancer.
I have to admit that if it weren't for my mom sacrificing her art for her seven children I wouldn't be a dancer today. She was chosen to tour with the Bellas Artes Dance Company in Mexico City but had to decline due to the fact that she had to raise her younger brother and sister. Then when she could have gone back she starting having kids and we were fortunate to be passed on this beautiful art. I was the only one who took it seriously and LOVED it!!! I remember locking myself in my room and dancing the day away. Pretending to me Casey in "A Chorus Line" singing to Zach, "God I'm a dancer! A dancer dances!!" Only to have my sister Ivonne barge in. Luckily she would smile and tell me how great I was. She was the one who would go on to pick me up at the University of Texas El Paso Union Dinner theatre performances of "A Chorus Line" a few years later.
Prior to that I danced on the high school dance team. Just about the dorkiest thing you could do and even dorkier was being the lead reindeer but I didn't care because I was dancing! In front of the entire school to a Christmas song that still makes me leap in the air when I hear it at Christmas time but I was dancing. This is me being the lead reindeer prancing in the high school auditorium.
Prancing my way to the....
Splitz!!
Thanks to my mom's sacrifices I lived moments like this one.
Something I continued to have the ability to do in my twenties and now as I head towards thirty-five even though I don't have a picture.
So this will have to do for now. ;-)
Now picture me standing up on my left leg. ;-)
When my father passed in January I remember telling Lisa I just wanted to go away and dance. Just dance for an entire year. Maybe head to a dance academy. It didn't matter as long as I could spend the whole day in a studio dancing. It didn't happen as I had obligations to tend to and healing to do but something else happened. I began to dance more often. Some days I would dance paralyzed by the fear that like Neil I would just collapse and die. I would hear him say to me, "Dance A. Just dance" and I would stop obsessing over what could happen and I would just dance. Eventually I began to let go of the fear and started coming alive again. I credit my teacher with being a big actually HUGE part of my healing process. In letting me to do what I love with all my heart he allowed my soul to come back to life and allowed me to dance my way back to life. Here are some great moments from the past year with him.
He's right I wasn't giving it my all BUT I was saving it for...
THIS!
Here we are being sexy with some more of his students.
Here we are being silly! Watch as I try and lead! ;-)
Finally here he is showing my favorite young girl some moves. Wait for it as we tricked her into it. She gave up when she couldn't perfect it but I asked her to try again.
Watching all these videos reminds me of why I continued dancing even after my other siblings quit. Simply put I was born to do it! I've even been hired to dance in a music video. ;-) I am in all the dancer shots and all the single dancer shots are yours truly.
And reminds me of my first music video. Okay so it was more of an audition video but looking at it recently made me cry. Longing to know that girl once more. The one who danced as if no one was watching!
Tonight I realized she is still there so as of today I will call myself what I have always been, a DANCER. Will I go back to the shape I was in? Will I keep up like I did even a few years ago in Huecco's video? Will my toes stop hurting? Will the cysts on the back of my knees go away? Will I keep up with the younger girls? Honestly, who cares!!! It's like I told the most handsome man in the room as we danced and he asked what was playing and how we should dance to it, "I don't know but the point is to have fun!"
So I will! I will give it my all every class. I will forget what the committee says. I will trust in my body to guide me and watch my soul come alive once again. Will I end up on Dancing with the Stars someday? Honestly? I hope so! My dignity isn't up for grab or sale so it's going to take a lot of faith, which I have, that the possibilities are endless. That as long as I am following my heart, listening to what feeds my soul and having fun the universe will take care of this dancer. The universe under God's guidance will continue to give me opportunities to dance my way through life. Like me I hope you learn to DANCE (paint, sing, play an instrument) once again. Trusting that it is never too late! I hope you find the courage to dance to the rhythm of your own heart realizing life is too short for anything else. A rhythm only you can understand. And when you get the chance to sit it out, I truly HOPE YOU DANCE remembering that time IS a wheel in constant motion.
I woke up this morning to my daily ritual, reading the page of the corresponding date in my Daily Word literature. Something gifted to me by my mom. We read them and discuss them in awe of the synchronicity. Timing! I read my first one on August 5, 1993 the day I was crowned Miss Teen Expo Spokesmodel 1993. What? It's mandatory in Texas to participate in pageants and have big hair. ;-) Oh an as you can see Sandra Bullock was right in Miss Congeniality we do jump up and down with suprised "Oh I won" expressions. ;-) So here I am two days shy of it being eighteen years since I came into "existence" and I am so grateful for all I have lived and the woman it has turned me into. Would I do a pageant today? Nope. Am I grateful I did? Yes. It taught all about what society has taught us to value and made me look within to discover what I value. I didn't exist to anyone in high school. As a matter of fact I was referred to as Mercedes's sister. No name. However the moment I won I was brought into their light of existence and all of a sudden overnight everyone who ignored me knew my name and I could walk into the famous building B of our high school without being treated like a reject. This taught me very quickly how sadly we were taught to put value on titles and anything outside ourselves before putting value on simply being and being accepted as we are, perfectly flawed beautiful creations of God, all one.
Which brings me to today. As I caught up on the daily word this morning being three days behind, it happens with so many Daily Oms to read too, ;-) I was in awe of the timing of the main story that preceded them. It was titled "What is your headline?" and spoke about you picturing your life on display for the world. It asked great questions like, "What would your headline be in three months? Six months? One year?" Then it mentioned possibilities like "Young woman too stressed out with too many responsibilities" and as the article progressed it read "Woman breezes through day in complete serenity." My headline immediately popped into my head even before I finished the first paragraph, "The darkness that led to the light- one woman's journey of LIVING through life on life's terms." Notice I said living not surviving.
I loved the article's timing because I am in the process of manifesting the life I deserve to live. It took me a while to truly get that feeling like I deserved something for example to genuinely smile at the thought of crush again, didn't mean I wasn't humble. I used to confuse being clear on what I deserved and worked hard to manifest with lacking humility. It is now clear to me that lack of humility would be rubbing what I manifest in people's faces. On that note sorry Patrick. You know when we tried to stay friends after we broke up and you told me at our last lunch together "I am worried about your beliefs" and I smugly replied, "What worries you more what I believe or that I manifest those beliefs? That what my gut tells me becomes my reality?" Hoping you stumble upon this and see I am sorry. God is good at making that happen. ;-) That is a great example of lacking humility. I wanted to strike back as I was attacked and responded in ego. I've learned that things can only come across lacking humility if we speak from our ego. So when I work on manifesting what I deserve I share my story when I asked or let people witness with their own eyes.
The past five years of my life have brought me closer to my understanding of God, which has nothing to do with church or religion but if that is what your journey has taught you to associate God with I can't stop you from thinking that is what I am referring to nor would I want to. "People see the world as they are not as it is." That said in LIVING and being present to all that God sends my way I have learned to really tune in to my gut. I was delighted to see that the current issue of Oprah is related to this sense. Gut instinct is not commonly labeled a sense but categorized as something only people who read new age books, do drugs, or are plainly out of their minds or have a few screws loose can relate to being in touch with. Look at me. Do I look like any of those labels? Be quite Eric. Jokes aside my point is there will always be labels. It makes people who have a need to understand everything be able to categorize someone like me and put me in a box. Fine, truly fine with me because that speaks of them not me.
I've been called everything to my face and behind my back. Selfish, superficial, kind, giving, arrogant, loving, stubborn, weird, genuine, gossipy, too religious, trust worthy and the list of contradictions is endless. This sample of labels shows you that I have crossed paths with many different people. I abide by that "people see the world as they are not as it is" view so when people call me something they are truly speaking about themselves and how they view the world. Can some of the descriptions be true? Sure. Do they make or break me? In my twenties? Definitely! In my thirties? Nope! Everything I have lived especially in the last couple of years has taught me that not only what anyone else thinks of me is none of my business but it truly has NOTHING to do with me. Most of all in this temporary existence is truly of no importance for life is too short to live for others. It brings this lovely quote to mind, “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” So true! This doesn't mean screw everyone and do only as you like but if that is what you interpret I can't stop from that and you know why. ;-)
Living this way is what enables me to live my way into I life I manifest, which exceeds my dreams and expectations. I didn't win a car with my award or stand on the red carpet in Rome with my favorite author for adapting his work because God sprinkled only me with special powder for special achievements. Something one of my brothers told me when I moved to LA. He thought I was crazy and tried to knock sense into me by saying that what I was trying to achieve was only achieved by special people. I've come to understand he meant he wasn't special but at nineteen that was no where near what I got. I've also come to understand we are all special. This ability for me to live my way into such amazing lights at the end of the tunnels, which I call my journey coming to completion is not because I was sprinkled with fairy dust, although that sounds cool, it's because I took the darkness was temporarily consumed by it, let it burn me up in its flames and turn me into a diamond and it's happening all over again.
April 20,2010 came and went and while I thought it would never end it did. It's been over a year. A few days after what felt like an extremely difficult scenario I saw Neil for what I would come to find would be the last time as he passed in September, which was followed by my father's passing in January. That same week I lost the Investor to my film and rejected an Investor with some questionable business choices. Yup you read correctly. One Investor backed out, one I morally could not work with, and one of the leads dropped out all in the same week of my father's death. Within a week I had no ability or desire to move but I wanted to fight all this so I tried to run from it all only to have Lisa pass her flu on to me. I don't really believe it was Lisa's fault I believe God was saying sorry kiddo gotta deal and you'll find your light but you gotta stay with it and don't worry I am here with you. So stay in bed and deal. I stayed with it. As you may now know so much so that I went into individual and group therapy and during that time I continued letting go of many things. I parted ways with my agent as well. Another detour leading me to the road I was meant to be on. I was witnessing how I was bringing one of my favorite songs to life. I was being stripped of all I needed to let go of to welcome the new!
Was it all me? Nope I believe manifesting is something I do with God and the universe. I know what I am capable of manifesting because my gut, which I call my God compass or voice tells me before it happens. It guides me towards it by sending me signs . When I voice this is belief that is when people usually look at me like I am on something. I think it would be great to see their faces when they learn I have never taken anything in my life. Not even tried. Not interested. I respect others desires to do it for their reasons but I am here to FEEL my GROWTH. I only get one chance to do so. I wanna know pain as much as I want to know joy. Can't have one without the other and that is what my God compass and my journey has taught yet again. I had told Lisa, who is on the production team of Bearing Fruit, that when group therapy ended things would start to fall back into place. Life would start to unfold magically yet again because my God compass told me so but also because I had lived this before.
So I LET GO AND LET GOD. I am happy to report that a few agents wanted to sign me and that CESD did such an amazing job at looking at my work, what I am about it and expressing it that they wooed me and I signed with them. It is by the way a more well known, bigger agency than my last with more possibilities! I tell you this not to brag but to show that when a detour arrives it comes to take you to the road you are meant to be on. A detour whose destination is God's will for you and which in my case has always shun a light brighter than the sun at the end of the tunnel, which was the dark journey I endured en route there!!! I should mention that they signed me the last week of therapy. Timing! ;-) I should also mention that a while back another agent wanted to meet with me and about four times our meeting got postponed. On the final postponing I thanked them for their time and told them it was clear God and the universe had other plans for me. Thank God I listened!!!
I will continue to listen to my gut and watch the signs arrive. Something only I can understand but I share one with you. I've been manifesting going to Hawaii since I have never been. My mom counts the time she went while pregnant with me as me having been. I don't. :-) Something tells me that like Rome when I finally go it will be for reasons that blow me away. So this gut instinct is reassured by this video, which arrives right on time every time I turn on VH1 to assure me of my belief.
How we all choose to interpret signs and gut instincts is up to each one of us but I encourage you to practice listening to it if you are remotely interested or curious. You may be surprised by what life has in store for you if you just trust! Want some more proof? I can't make you believe, that is up to but I can share a story that may get you thinking. After completing my dad and Neil's tribute I wondered how I could get it to Neil's family. Sure I could email his bestfriend who I no longer speak with, not my choice, and ask him to forward it and while I contemplated it Neil, God and the universe took care of it. Last week I received an email from a young lady informing me she was Neil's niece. She thanked me for the slideshow and send condolences for my father. I was amazed but not surprised. God heard my concern and worked its magic. My gut had told me I did not have to go to his bestfriend that it would all be taken care of and it was. Literally within one week of me contemplating what to do it was taken care of in the most magical of ways. She informed me she finally had the courage to google her uncle and came across my blog. Timing!!! This young lady made my year and brought this journey to a beautiful end.
I am moving on and it's time to watch the magic of the lessons the darkness brought unfold. There will be Hawaii, Paris, him and ours, work, investors and magic all around and every minute of everyday I will remember to be grateful to God, the universe, all my angels here and elsewhere, every person I cross paths with and my family and friends for being part of a journey whose light at the end of the tunnel is BRIGHTER THAN THE SUN!!! What I am about to live will hold no logical explanation but my heart and gut tell me it's about to get even better than before. That what I have lived will pale in comparison to what I am about to live! My hope for you is that you have the courage and faith to manifest your destiny with whomever or however you see fit and may your light SHINE BRIGHTER THAN THE SUN!!!! "Who am I to tell FATE where it's supposed to go?" <3
P.S. When it feels too good to be true remember you are worthy and you may just want to stay out of the universe's way and say THANK YOU!!!!
