The falling of the leaves.

Lately on my runs I have been very aware of the leaves falling and yesterday as I visited the botanical gardens for some relaxation it became very clear that the seasons are changing. It feels like I just arrived in Austin to inferno like heat and now the winds of change have brought a morning breeze with them on my runs. Something I welcome very much. It is common for people to think that this breeze gently takes the leaves with them. Upon watching them fall around me and on me I did some research. It turns out that in order for a tree to survive the leaves must go otherwise at some point they freeze and can no longer provide the tree with the nutrients it needs in order to survive. It turns out these leaves have scissors on them that can be seen with a microscope, which they use to let go. This is my interpretation of what I read in simplest terms. ;-) It got me thinking me because I kept feeling on my runs and walk at botanical garden like God and the universe were using them to tell me something. On my walk through the gardens en route to the butterfly garden it hit me. My leaves are falling so new nutrients can come in and nourish me in the present. No need for the old leaves as they are part of my past. Hence if I don't cut them loose and let them go I won't be able to nourish myself in the present with all the nutrients it has to offer. If I keep those leaves they will freeze and freeze me with them. In simplest terms if I want to grow I MUST LET GO. I had a vision on my run of old leaves attached to me weighing me down and as I progressed and picked up speed I let them go. I must admit it also came with a F-U fear as I finished the run. You see I've had a lot of nervous energy this week and I have made myself stay in it doing things to work my way through it like the walk I took where this blog was written in the butterfly garden. Trying hard to decipher things has caused my nervous energy and on my walk I was reminded to trust. Above all trust the process and the plan. Don't try to understand everything just know that everything does and will eventually make sense. Most of all trust God has my back. Which brings me to this, I must trust that cutting off the leaves of the past will bring to fruition, on God's time, leaves with all the nutrients necessary for me to face the present. I must let 2011 and all its gifts go so that I can see all 2012 has gifted me. So I can allow the new leaves to settle in and feed me their love. And if I let go, open my heart so my eyes can see, clearly already the gifts are amazing!!! It's hard to say goodbye to Neil and my father. I have done it repeatedly always afraid that somehow I will forget them but yesterday it really hit me. They gave me Austin, they gave me the faith to keep dancing and I believe they still continue to root for me and want what is best for me. I whole heartedly believe my father can now do what he never could while he was alive and has done so. But it's time. It's time to cut the leaves, see them fly away and let new leaves be born. I need nutrients for the present. So just for today I will take it easy on myself as I cut away and await the new leaves. I will leave all thoughts of the 2011 leaves for the edit bay and feed my soul from what life is gifting now. It really is the taste of sweet American Honey I am fed now and I want to fully take it in. In my heart I know it's just the beginning for this autumn tree blooming in its new home. I won't waste time worrying if the new leaves will be able to feed me like the past ones have. I will just trust they will and that they will be the remedy in this new season of my life being brought into fruition by this beautiful fall that is dancing its way into my life. P.S. at 3:39 I encourage you to belt it with conviction. Fear isn't very fond of conviction. ;-)

Don't stop believing. Hold on to that feeling!

This pretty much sums up my beliefs. Ever since I learned to decipher the signs and follow them I also learned that it depended on me trusting something to be able to see them. I choose to call it God and the universe because it made sense to me. I have concluded in my thirty five years of experience and growth as Adriana Garza in human existence that if my heart is open I can see the magic of this existence and go beyond what my eyes can see. When I first discovered this I was always wanting others to see it because I wanted them to be open to seeing the gifts in their life as well that the magic was conjuring up just for them. I couldn't get them to be where they weren't meant to be and in the process what I mostly conjured up were people concerned by my beliefs. I have heard things like "your beliefs worry me", or "I was afraid you had gotten stuck in character and thought you were Athena", the Witch of Portobello I portrayed in my film based on that novel. No I did not get stuck in character but her and I were so similar it was effortless to portray her. My beliefs shouldn't worry anyone cause all they have done is help me believe in this unpredictable thing called life. This beautiful beautiful sometimes inexplicable, when I think too deep, existence. If time has afforded me anything it's the ability to be more present in who I am and what I believe. I may keep it more to myself now but I also believe more. I know we are all here to teach eachother and to learn from eachother. I would much rather learn from others how to keep the faith and not stop believing than how to believe everything sucks and has no meaning. That desire has made it easier to accept someone not wanting me in there life even though blood and distance has brought us closer. I know I tried and I know they tried but in the end timing is not right just yet. And if life has taught me anythiing, especially my ten years in Al Anon, is to take care of me even if others think I'm a you know what for doing it. I could assume some believed my move to Texas was about me letting go of my sometimes called silly, or too old for me dream(s) of mine. The thing is this dream of mine that scares some is not my dream waiting to be seen, it is my calling taking me on a beautiful journey showing me how to grow in faith, strength, courage, love and many more weapons I choose to arm myself with to be present on the beautifield of life. So no being in Texas does not mean I will go to Harvard like my uncle, or Notre Dame like my grandpa's brother or get serious about my life because I am, have been and will be very serious about this precious, fragile yet amazingly beautiful gift called life! No matter what others fears allow them to perceive. It is after all my life, "go ahead with your own life." ;-) Signs had been pointing somewhere and looking backwards I had connected the dots.I had so much faith that Alison to Michael to Pam meant Coco Latino Award which meant I could finish the documentary, which is stuck in post. I would like to sastify the wolves appetite and say I was wrong but I wasn't. I found out that out of thirteen people my entry for the award based on "And She Danced, Life after loss" did not make the top two and therefore is no longer in the running for the 10,000 that would have truly been a gift to AG Productions and allowed the documentary to be finished on my time. However if Rudy Ruttiger taught me anything as I watched the film on his life when I was sixteen it was that prayers are answered on God's time. I am so beyond grateful that seed was the one I have chosen to water over the years no matter how many choose to have their nearby, blood related gardens plant seeds of fear and spend an entire lifetime with a lot of hoses gardening as if it was a farm growing False Evidence Appearing Real. I know that I can not make anyone see what the signs mean for my life. I am grateful I got that. Truly am!! Anyone who flips through my iphone pics would probably think, wow she loves to save her notes from the universe, pandora songs, daily om's, quotes and take pics of nature. The truth is I love to take pictures of the signs, look back on them, connect the dots and be humbled by God and the universe's magic. I will never forget sitting at an outdoor cafe in Rome with Bev and saying "I wonder how God does it. How do they know precisely when you need something to be seen or heard and how do they make it possible through a song, person etc?" I questioned this after my film's premiere in Rome and mediatating on the journey that led me there. So today as I wake to find that the signs have yet to reveal the magic, (or do they?), and that I will not be winning the Coco Latino Award as I had envisioned and deciphered, I am able to see what the magic in this deciphering of signs was about and it is Pam Koslov. I have met people who have seen me at my best, winning awards, a car, flipping through GLAMOUR spotting me, seeing me being named the Latin Star to watch by Latin Star Magazine in 2009 and believed in me. Or as I see it believed in what they could see. Few are those who walk into your life during the journey not the destination and BELIEVE in you while you have been asked to leave most of your possessions and life as you knew it behind and knock on doors till the one with all the magic I know exists swings wide open and reveals the magic of the universe. Few are the people who listen to my beliefs and say I BELIEVE. Then fewer are the people who SHOW you they believe. Pam asked me to enter the award competition after seeing my documentary's trailer and knowing me for two months and being in my physical presence for two days. She saw what God had created and didn't try to mold me into anything else but instead asked who she saw to step up and continue dancing. Turns out that was the magic of 8-13-2012 which later became 8-15-2012. I had visions of her walking up with me to get my award with Zoey and my sister Ivonne as well as Bev by my side. I know better than to let those visions go. I know that God, Neil and my dad are busy smiling because I trust in them more than what I can see. They know that I know that they are lining up people, causing synchronicity and preparing me and all who stand by me for the precise moment that "And She Danced, Life after loss" is ready to dance into the lives of people. As usual not a minute too soon or a minute too late but precisely at the exact moment God and the universe reveal their magic, God's time. Pam I feel like this may have been harder for you than me so to you I say, I honor you for choosing to see me, guide me and encourage me. Ten grand would have been nice but in the end it's just paper. You on the other hand, fed my soul, fueled my engine, strengthened my conviction and reminded me to never stop believing. As I had said, you WILL walk the film festival carpet with me. On God's time you WILL be by my side and I will ask you to do with me what I did before I started to walk the red carpet in Rome with Paulo Coelho. Look up, smile and express gratitude. I had said "you all knowing always knowing what you are doing. Look at you. Look at your magic." This time we will look up thank God, the universe, your dad, my dad, Neil and be grateful we never stopped believing. This I promise because all bets are on God and the universe. YOU are the magic of the connection of the dots and I AM GRATEFUL! This is just the beginning for these small town girls...the dance continues..... May faith be your guide and may you never stop believing that God's gifts and the universe's magic can exceed your dreams!