The art of self care after parenthood

I have found that there are some people in life whose soul purpose or it seems is to make you as unhappy as they are. For me this lesson is repeating itself and as the teacher arrives I confess I the student was caught off guard and unprepared.

I have in my almost thirty-nine years entered many classrooms but somewhere in the last almost two years I lost some of my tools and knowledge. Look I'd hate to blame the cutest culprit around but he took half my brain cells. Parenting as I see it for now is my greatest teacher and I am learning for two so I really want to excel on every level. From his nutrition, my greatest teacher so far, to his learning abilities I am on top of it all so much so I'm even cooking now to make sure his body is fed in a way that benefits his growth, especially with all the needs of his growing brain. Gotta love that DHA producing cod liver oil!

In the process of focusing so strongly on my class with Austin I have completely forgotten, even when opportunity arises, to go to my self care class. So much so that when the latest teachers arrived, they are tied to me by blood and always present but the more unhappy they become the harder the lesson, I was caught of guard.

I love my son in a way words can't express and don't suffice so my assumption is you do too. Who wouldn't? Sadly some don't. Some people's broken hearts, path and journey fills them with pain, sadness and the taste for life becomes bitter. So when you encounter them and share a classroom with them they want you to follow their lead instead of the greatest teacher I have found. I prefer to follow God aka the light aka God and the universe aka whatever you label it, as love truly needs no label. It's such a powerful feeling no word can truly grasp it or define it.

However in the process of focusing on what I consider to be my most important class at this point in my life, I couldn't seem to find the tools that fight off the darkness when it descended and told me and showed me it does not care for me or my accomplishments, once again calling me a soul composed of LA bullshit. Then it attacked and said I cost so much and reminded me that I've always been viewed as a burden and I did what Bev has always suggested I don't do. I bought a ticket, took my seat and rode the carousel that goes round and round and arrives no where.

In becoming Austin's mom I lost my ability to be compassionate with myself and others. Especially those who have a come to teach me repeatedly how truly sick the darkness can make a soul. This lesson is a constant in my life and while I hopped on the carousel I spoke words so unlike my character I actually got sick, physically sick.

Temporarily the darkness consumed me and I told the attacker FU. I realize that to some of you this may not seem like a big deal and honestly I won't lie, it felt a little good until it didn't. That was when my body shut down on me and I realized what I had done goes so against what life has taught me.

I have a fellow student in my current classroom who is also tied by blood who has always loved me as I am and as she sees me, her precious little sister. Roni can recall like it was yesterday the first time she saw me and the excitement she felt. She is always by my side whispering, forgive. She says forgive because I hate to see what not forgiving does to you and she's right. The darkness is truly that, dark. Heavy. Suffocating and so not who I am.

This lesson in this current classroom, I foresee is going to be a tough one because my mind keeps relating family to support and love. I keep thinking that they go hand and in hand. Or that they must but sometimes our greatest teachers are the precise people that will lead us to success, as their doubt fuels our passion and fire.

I will focus on that. I will have gratitude for their dislike for me, my career, my choices, and my LA bullshit. All this culminating in their constant pull at me to change me has actually gifted me a life where my dreams are exceeded! I have been pushed towards the light when their hope was to drag me into the darkness and there lies the greatest question of this lesson. Were this not my classroom and teacher would I know to love myself first? To believe despite all labels of failure? To push beyond their limited mind?

Often I wonder what the word family truly means. I speak not of the dictionary version but the real life version. I conclude for all it's different. For me I continue learning it's focusing on my classmate Roni and her whispers to forgive. The saviors God sent when my blood ties questioned every move I made upon my move Austin, my two boys. The friends that have supported me when I walked the red carpet in Rome and when I lost it all and needed to sleep on their couch and call it my bed. The ones that built me a home when I lost mine.

There in these words is the answer to my current lesson, family are who we choose to walk this journey with and as I've said before, on this road trip called life choose your passengers wisely. Especially those that accompany you as the whispers in your head. Those I believe must be the whispers of love and love only.

After a failed course this student returns to class as the lesson is currently being re-taught. I return with my focus back on what matters most to me! Gratitude for you and your kindness! For that I'm in debt to YOU and humbled by your heART AND I could HAVE NEVER gone this far without you!! So I'd like to thank you for it! Listen she sings it best.