It's been over fourteen years since I packed up two suitcases, one with shoes and one with clothes, took my $400 dollars which I saved up by working at the Black Eyed Pea and Lerner at Sunland Park Mall in El Paso and took a one way flight to Los Angeles. I was nineteen then and there was no way I could have known what awaited me. It took ten years of living the life Hollywood wanted for me to realize what I wanted for myself, to come into my own being and be comfortable with who I was and what I wanted out of life. Realizing most of all how I wanted to contribute to the planet. I wouldn't change one single thing about my life and it has been quite the journey!
I was telling my bestfriend Mary this week that if I was to live up to the statistics this society places on me I'd be a fatherless Latina from a single parent home with no college education consumed by the labels unable to move forward. Lucky for me I was born to a warrior who raised seven kids alone and since I believe you are what you know I became a warrior. However it took ten years of doing things a certain way and not being content with the outcome to summon that inner warrior. In those ten years I went to therapy for four years straight and cried. Stopped caring if I ever acted again. Fell in love with all the men I longed to have fill the shoes of my absent father and like in any pattern repeating itself they would eventually leave. I went to Amoeba Music a lot, dated two guys there, learned a lot about music and eventually realized if it weren't for going to Amoeba that often I would not have the vast knowledge I do of music now or the love I have for all music. Most of all I would have never heard this song and found the courage to summon my inner warrior. Which confirms my belief that everything, even what seems like mundane, happens for a reason and is leading you somewhere.
This became my theme for 2006. No matter what happened I knew that the most important thing I had to do was FACE THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY! Worst that could happen was I could fail, and I have, but I would grow. I had to do what ancient proverb I once stumbled upon encouraged me to "Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still". The truth is in failing I learned how essential that failure was for me to become who I have and be where I am.
People often tell me "you're on your way" or "I can feel it you'll be famous soon". Most of the time I just smile because what exactly am I suppose to say to that? Maybe I should try the honest route and say to them what I said to Mary. I don't care to be famous, I've accomplished more than I ever dreamt I would in a completely different way than I ever dreamt I would and because of that there is so much happiness within me and gratitude, which I am not silent about, because it comes with doing what you love. What you TRULY love not what we are sold to love or be. I'd rather strike a pose on a red carpet somewhere because of an accomplishment that came from a very dark hour then because I am selling someone's perfume and telling people how to buy their art of being. No thank you! That said to each their own. ;-)You can read about the gift that came from one of the many dark hours on my journey here. Me and Paulo Coelho how the universe conspired to cross our paths.
Same blog Jason Mraz reposted on his blog and actually how we met. ;-)
I support people following their DREAM. Yes sometimes you end up sacrificing a lot but time and time again I have seen that the sacrifices of following your own path are exceeded by what awaits you at the end of the journey. All things do come to an end and the only thing constant is change. Which brings me to today and where my journey has led me. I have to say that if I wrote everyone who has affected my journey by encouraging me or for that matter discouraging me we'd be here forever. For now I have to point out that thanks to Vince Shultz, Paul Rodriguez, Susan Taylor, Randy Kent, Danielle Artigo, Mary Queen Angel, John Rincon, Chris Beltran, Alex Jehs, Gaby Moreno, Jason Mraz's publishers, Paulo Coelho and Neil Lisk I am able to keep navigating the waters of uncharted territory that is my first feature length film. If I forgot you I am sorry. You know who you are and you know I am grateful.;-)
What my teachers who I am in constant contact with on a daily basis are teaching me now is the importance of being firm without being mean. In saying what I want and need without saying it meanly and remembering the words of Neil, "Adriana people are either going to do things as you can offer them it be done within your company's means or not. Whoever can't do it as your production can is not the right person to be there but you need to put your foot down". ;-) After all when you are the CEO of a company it means giving deadlines no matter how small your company is. I never want to hurt anyone and therefore in that lies my struggle. However everyday brings with it the opportunity for growth. I am learning and getting better at saying what I mean and meaning what I say without saying it meanly. ;-)
Which brings me to this week and the realization that ah...yes I too am human! Shocking I know. This week I did things that were out of character by taking out my frustration for other situations on innocent by standards and for that I am truly sorry. The lesson in that was knowing that I am not perfect, thank God. I have a lot on my plate right now and I also have a lot of letting go to do as well. If I've learned anything it's that the only thing I control is the footwork towards producing an outcome. The outcome however so not in my hands. So for today I forgive myself and my out of character behavior and I hope those whose character I attacked have forgiven me too. I am after all only human but with that thought in mind I also have to remind myself the golden rule I try everyday to live by, "do unto others as you would have them do unto you". I am aware that everything we do has a chain reaction so be gentle with your words and actions. Forgive yourself when the art of being human introduces you to a side of you you'd rather not indulge in. ;-)
For now I will carry on with the only baggage I truly need, a suitcase full of faith. No matter what life keeps throwing my way I know one thing is certain "faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and creates the impossible". Changed the quote a little to fit what I've lived as I believe we CREATE our destiny. ;-) I'll continue taking leaps of faith and trusting that my net will appear and no matter what happens one thing is for sure, I'll be taking the Long Way Around and wherever I arrive I hope you are there with me but I trust that all is and will be as it should be.
"It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself. Guess I could of made it easier on myself but I could never follow"
Friday, September 3, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
My lovely life!
By "all accounts" based on what I had to endure on April 20, 2010 I am not supposed to be able to see life as a lovely, beautiful experience. Some people have questioned how I can possibly move forward. I am "supposed" to be shriveled up in some corner lifeless questioning why. If you truly believe that is what I am supposed to be doing than you obviously don't REALLY know me. To them I say "I walk by faith not by sight". I live by these beautiful words spoken by Helen Keller, "The best and most beautiful things in the world can not be seen or touched they must be felt with the heart!"
No matter what I saw and felt on April 20th I knew I'd be alright and so I moved forward through the unknown into today. Four months have passed and my life just keeps getting lovelier by the minute. Guess I should take a minute to say that it's not because it's perfect because it's far from that but it's simply because I realize everything is as it should be and everyday brings with it the necessary teachers which will arm my soul with faith, courage, humility, love, and all the beautiful things my heart longs to know. It is lovely not in spite of life on life's terms but because of life on life's terms. Here is a tribute in pictures to everything that makes my life a lovely life!
Children are God's greatest gift and the most honest beings I've encountered. Trust me there's nothing like having Devon tell me in front of everyone while I held her in my arms,"you have bad breath". If that's not honest I don't know what is. ;-)
Taking a nap with my nephew the year I met him.
My beautiful friend Ondrea and her beautiful daughter Omelie
The beautiful boy that brought me back to life after four beings I loved went home. JC Branca
Family, Familia is what makes me who I am. I am inspired by all these people and I am grateful for all the brilliant actors the universe decided to send my way to portray my family. Of course I am grateful for the teachers God sent me, which I call my blood brothers and sisters. ;-)
My sisters and I with my mom. I rushed to Monterrey the day after I found out my baby nephew had been put in intensive care a few months after arriving on planet earth. Here we are in the waiting room. He's a very healthy toddler these days!
My sister Veronica and I after she surprised me in Texas at one of the stops of my play when we were touring. I LOVE HER!!!
Seven kids!!! My mom is one BRAVE BEAUTIFUL SOUL!!! I am the youngest. ;-)
My current "family", which I am beyond blessed to know. I trust in the wisdom of the universe because I know that by making them my "family" we are going to go on a beautiful journey together.
Friends are my backbone. These beautiful people and many more along my 33 year journey have made my life a beautiful one!
Enjoying Silke's company while she visits from Germany. Here's to manifesting her move back to LA. That's what we are drinking to. ;-)
Celebrating my 33rd with a gratitude dinner for my lovely friends!
Cast members of The Art of Being who became friends, who then became family. Here we are leaving our tour's stop in Texas.
My body! I am thankful for all it has allowed me to put it through in a month and a half. After deciding I would no longer allow a two year old diagnosis of a premature stress induced heart beat to rule my life I took off with pace. I went from barely making it through my class to doing class three times a week and running! I am so grateful for my body and for the wisdom that comes with age, listening to my body! ;-) Within a year I hope to be able to be back to dancing to the beat of my own drum and the rhythm of my soul!
Me and Jerry, my dance teacher of five years, getting back into the grove of things after a few years off.
Testing out an old move. I can still do it! Thank you body!
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE! I've yet to know it but this year I will! This is the year I receive and give unconditional LOVE and when I do I will return here with someone.
And we will sit here and chat about our blessed, lovely life! ;-)
Lastly the one thing that connects me to what I believe to be a God of my understanding and that brings Emerson's quote to life for me, "All I have seen teaches me to trust the creator for all I have not seen", NATURE!!! My constant source of INSPIRATION!!!
Runyon Canyon 6:30am or so just as the sun rises. What a sight! Knowing this awaits me makes my 5am wake up call do able! If you look really close to the right you can see Griffith Park! I love walking through the creek there.
Lake Travis in Austin. A sight to behold! I took these the weekend my boyfriend broke up with me two days before Valentine's and instead of Santa Barbara I went to Austin, read the Witch of Portobello and the rest is history. That saying "when god/life/universe closes one door it opens another", I'm living proof it's true. That door that closed allowed me to be myself and open another whose journey led me to Rome. This sight eased my pain before I knew Rome would become my reality.
Lastly I am a lover of all creatures and I believe we've invaded their home so take a look at this and really think twice before the next time you decide to end their lovely life. ;-)
May your lovely day allow you to see what a lovely life this is indeed!!
No matter what I saw and felt on April 20th I knew I'd be alright and so I moved forward through the unknown into today. Four months have passed and my life just keeps getting lovelier by the minute. Guess I should take a minute to say that it's not because it's perfect because it's far from that but it's simply because I realize everything is as it should be and everyday brings with it the necessary teachers which will arm my soul with faith, courage, humility, love, and all the beautiful things my heart longs to know. It is lovely not in spite of life on life's terms but because of life on life's terms. Here is a tribute in pictures to everything that makes my life a lovely life!
Children are God's greatest gift and the most honest beings I've encountered. Trust me there's nothing like having Devon tell me in front of everyone while I held her in my arms,"you have bad breath". If that's not honest I don't know what is. ;-)
Taking a nap with my nephew the year I met him.
My beautiful friend Ondrea and her beautiful daughter Omelie
The beautiful boy that brought me back to life after four beings I loved went home. JC Branca
Family, Familia is what makes me who I am. I am inspired by all these people and I am grateful for all the brilliant actors the universe decided to send my way to portray my family. Of course I am grateful for the teachers God sent me, which I call my blood brothers and sisters. ;-)
My sisters and I with my mom. I rushed to Monterrey the day after I found out my baby nephew had been put in intensive care a few months after arriving on planet earth. Here we are in the waiting room. He's a very healthy toddler these days!
My sister Veronica and I after she surprised me in Texas at one of the stops of my play when we were touring. I LOVE HER!!!
Seven kids!!! My mom is one BRAVE BEAUTIFUL SOUL!!! I am the youngest. ;-)
My current "family", which I am beyond blessed to know. I trust in the wisdom of the universe because I know that by making them my "family" we are going to go on a beautiful journey together.
Friends are my backbone. These beautiful people and many more along my 33 year journey have made my life a beautiful one!
Enjoying Silke's company while she visits from Germany. Here's to manifesting her move back to LA. That's what we are drinking to. ;-)
Celebrating my 33rd with a gratitude dinner for my lovely friends!
Cast members of The Art of Being who became friends, who then became family. Here we are leaving our tour's stop in Texas.
My body! I am thankful for all it has allowed me to put it through in a month and a half. After deciding I would no longer allow a two year old diagnosis of a premature stress induced heart beat to rule my life I took off with pace. I went from barely making it through my class to doing class three times a week and running! I am so grateful for my body and for the wisdom that comes with age, listening to my body! ;-) Within a year I hope to be able to be back to dancing to the beat of my own drum and the rhythm of my soul!
Me and Jerry, my dance teacher of five years, getting back into the grove of things after a few years off.
Testing out an old move. I can still do it! Thank you body!
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE! I've yet to know it but this year I will! This is the year I receive and give unconditional LOVE and when I do I will return here with someone.
And we will sit here and chat about our blessed, lovely life! ;-)
Lastly the one thing that connects me to what I believe to be a God of my understanding and that brings Emerson's quote to life for me, "All I have seen teaches me to trust the creator for all I have not seen", NATURE!!! My constant source of INSPIRATION!!!
Runyon Canyon 6:30am or so just as the sun rises. What a sight! Knowing this awaits me makes my 5am wake up call do able! If you look really close to the right you can see Griffith Park! I love walking through the creek there.
Lake Travis in Austin. A sight to behold! I took these the weekend my boyfriend broke up with me two days before Valentine's and instead of Santa Barbara I went to Austin, read the Witch of Portobello and the rest is history. That saying "when god/life/universe closes one door it opens another", I'm living proof it's true. That door that closed allowed me to be myself and open another whose journey led me to Rome. This sight eased my pain before I knew Rome would become my reality.
Lastly I am a lover of all creatures and I believe we've invaded their home so take a look at this and really think twice before the next time you decide to end their lovely life. ;-)
May your lovely day allow you to see what a lovely life this is indeed!!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Dearest Destiny I thank you!
Dearest Destiny,
I come to you filled with gratitude and inspiration. It has been quite the week as you well know and quite frankly quite the life. There always seems to be some sort of challenge that shows itself at the most unwanted time with the best of intentions. Best of intentions you ask? Well it's doing exactly what I asked of life and providing me with situations that give me the opportunity to grow in patience, faith, strength, courage among many other things, which I pray for while I stand at the top of Runyon witnessing the beauty that is my idea of God through nature.
Tonight destiny led me to a destination that filled me with inspiration when I needed it most. I love my industry for its ability to connect us to each other and make us feel less alone. Whether it be through a song whose lyrics you could have written as it seems like a page from your personal journal or a film that showcases in two hours all you have lived in four years or should I say all I have lived, my industry truly allows you the gift of feeling less alone and understood. I say destiny brought me there tonight because when my friend said she couldn't go to the screening tonight I thought maybe I wouldn't and while I lay around debating something told me just go. While I sat in the theater it became quite clear why I had clearly heard just go. Those little nudges can sometimes lead us to our destiny if we allow them to. It can be something as simple as tonight or as big as listening to myself when I heard just do it as I contemplated nominating myself for the GLAMOUR Toyota Award telling myself that nominating myself was too egotistical. Thank God I listened to that nudge. ;-)
Tonight as I watched the film I experienced so many emotions which I feel is what a good film should produce in us. Inspire us while connecting us to it and triggering flashbacks you thought were in a land so distant it might have been another lifetime. I've finally come to understand that I can't forget a certain situation which I was reminded of by this movie because the other party involved really hurt me. Me, the woman who believed herself untouched by the uninvited lashing of a once thought ally, was reminded by this film and my friend Mary Queen that I had been deeply hurt by someone I cared for deeply and until I could admit that the past would remain present. As I watched I realized destiny brought me there tonight to show me things I needed to see and accept things I never dared to.
When someone burned me with their words so harshly hoping that I would turn into ashes and disappear into thin air based on a situation we both created but they believed I was solely at fault for I decided to not only be immune to being lit and becoming ashes but I turned off the part of me that would allow me to be hurt by their words and to go on to heal. For years I told myself it didn't matter only to realize tonight how much hurt one person's words had brought my now heavy heart and how heavy of a burden pretending to be okay had become. I had always believed them to be my destiny they had always believed me to their chance encounter. They lied to me and others repeatedly and in the end I paid the price for their lies. At least that is what it would seem to them as I was to receive a second lashing of words a year after the first. I don't believe I truly paid for their mistakes because as you do so shall be done to you. While you may impose your free will on others to justify your choices sooner or later karma arrives. Tonight I saw my truth quite clearly, I had my destiny to fulfill and they had theirs and with each other in our lives we would have not lived what we have lived apart. This is solely my truth inspired by one amazing movie that makes you question everything in the course of two hours.
Is it fate, chance, or free will? Is there really a God or are we just here for no reason with no true guidance. If you've read my blogs you know where I stand on that one. These beautiful words of Christina Rossetti sum up my beliefs so well, "Were there no God, we would be in this glorious world with grateful hearts, and no one to thank." I also believe in the beauty of free will. The will to face ourselves and our mistakes and become better by learning from them or the free will to avoid growth and our destiny by faulting others for our choices. I choose to take full responsibility for every choice I make and thank God for the free will which allows me to create my destiny. Dearest former ally I forgive you and I hope you can forgive yourself because I believe that when you do you will stop making me someone I am not, your enemy.
Below is the trailer for the film, which inspired me to admit the truth to myself and, which I hope you see when it comes out. May your free will allow you to make choices that let your faith meet your fate.
I come to you filled with gratitude and inspiration. It has been quite the week as you well know and quite frankly quite the life. There always seems to be some sort of challenge that shows itself at the most unwanted time with the best of intentions. Best of intentions you ask? Well it's doing exactly what I asked of life and providing me with situations that give me the opportunity to grow in patience, faith, strength, courage among many other things, which I pray for while I stand at the top of Runyon witnessing the beauty that is my idea of God through nature.
Tonight destiny led me to a destination that filled me with inspiration when I needed it most. I love my industry for its ability to connect us to each other and make us feel less alone. Whether it be through a song whose lyrics you could have written as it seems like a page from your personal journal or a film that showcases in two hours all you have lived in four years or should I say all I have lived, my industry truly allows you the gift of feeling less alone and understood. I say destiny brought me there tonight because when my friend said she couldn't go to the screening tonight I thought maybe I wouldn't and while I lay around debating something told me just go. While I sat in the theater it became quite clear why I had clearly heard just go. Those little nudges can sometimes lead us to our destiny if we allow them to. It can be something as simple as tonight or as big as listening to myself when I heard just do it as I contemplated nominating myself for the GLAMOUR Toyota Award telling myself that nominating myself was too egotistical. Thank God I listened to that nudge. ;-)
Tonight as I watched the film I experienced so many emotions which I feel is what a good film should produce in us. Inspire us while connecting us to it and triggering flashbacks you thought were in a land so distant it might have been another lifetime. I've finally come to understand that I can't forget a certain situation which I was reminded of by this movie because the other party involved really hurt me. Me, the woman who believed herself untouched by the uninvited lashing of a once thought ally, was reminded by this film and my friend Mary Queen that I had been deeply hurt by someone I cared for deeply and until I could admit that the past would remain present. As I watched I realized destiny brought me there tonight to show me things I needed to see and accept things I never dared to.
When someone burned me with their words so harshly hoping that I would turn into ashes and disappear into thin air based on a situation we both created but they believed I was solely at fault for I decided to not only be immune to being lit and becoming ashes but I turned off the part of me that would allow me to be hurt by their words and to go on to heal. For years I told myself it didn't matter only to realize tonight how much hurt one person's words had brought my now heavy heart and how heavy of a burden pretending to be okay had become. I had always believed them to be my destiny they had always believed me to their chance encounter. They lied to me and others repeatedly and in the end I paid the price for their lies. At least that is what it would seem to them as I was to receive a second lashing of words a year after the first. I don't believe I truly paid for their mistakes because as you do so shall be done to you. While you may impose your free will on others to justify your choices sooner or later karma arrives. Tonight I saw my truth quite clearly, I had my destiny to fulfill and they had theirs and with each other in our lives we would have not lived what we have lived apart. This is solely my truth inspired by one amazing movie that makes you question everything in the course of two hours.
Is it fate, chance, or free will? Is there really a God or are we just here for no reason with no true guidance. If you've read my blogs you know where I stand on that one. These beautiful words of Christina Rossetti sum up my beliefs so well, "Were there no God, we would be in this glorious world with grateful hearts, and no one to thank." I also believe in the beauty of free will. The will to face ourselves and our mistakes and become better by learning from them or the free will to avoid growth and our destiny by faulting others for our choices. I choose to take full responsibility for every choice I make and thank God for the free will which allows me to create my destiny. Dearest former ally I forgive you and I hope you can forgive yourself because I believe that when you do you will stop making me someone I am not, your enemy.
Below is the trailer for the film, which inspired me to admit the truth to myself and, which I hope you see when it comes out. May your free will allow you to make choices that let your faith meet your fate.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Becoming Esperanza
It has been an interesting last month to say the least. Lots of change going on in my life and most of it good and all of it is leading me to my destiny. I'm having to step into some big shoes once again and I am ready for it. I am aware that the last four years of my life have been preparing me for this. The universe under God's guidance as usual is sending all the people meant to work with me on this project my way and as usual it's on God's time. So these days I'm armed with patience and if I am not I take it to the mountain aka Runyon and pray for patience. To which God replies as usual, "I can't just give you patience I have to put you in scenarios that will allow you to acquire patience" to which I reply "okay so can I please get some patience for my patience." ;-) While I may be in a hurry sometimes I know from past experiences that trying to be the hare and not the turtle while getting me there quicker takes me to a destination far less interesting than the one I arrive at if I work with the traits of the turtle.
I am in the process of producing my first feature length film and of becoming Esperanza, as I also star in the film. This journey has already come with its fair share of lessons and the most important one thus far is once again learning to go with the flow of the universe ,which brings me back to patience. This lesson is reminding me of a quote I decided to model my life after and comes from one of my favorite writers/philosophers, Ralph Waldo Emerson. "Adapt the pace of nature, her secret is patience." Truly wise words because if we really pay attention nature really takes its time to become whatever it becomes. Whether it be a seed becoming a plant or a tree changing its colors and way of being throughout seasons it takes time. It doesn't happen in a day or a week for that matter. I know I am rushing myself because I want to premiere at SXSW and have my family share this experience with me for once. I've been rejected by SXSW before but I have no intention of going for two. I also realize if it's meant to be it will be and all I can do is work towards meeting their submission deadline. While things are making their way into blooming with my production I am also being reminded to put myself and my health first while enjoying what I am doing.
I have been through two or more people trying to fill the important job positions with great talent whose vision is aligned with mine and who are willing to do the work. The huge difference between an indie film and what most of you see, Hollywood backed films, is that I don't have the budget to hire a hundred people and take all the weight off my shoulders. What I do have that a lot of the time their films lack is passion, passion for a story that needs to be told. Not passion for a box office number. ;-) A relateable, raw, and honest story which doesn't sugarcoat life so the audience can walk out thinking "Wow compared to that my life sucks and I am never going to be that pretty or cool." I don't want to contribute to the downfall of society. I want to contribute to the uprising which a lot of us are doing quietly but sooner or later when God deems it appropriate we won't be so quiet anymore. There is a shift coming. It's either that or our downfall and I refuse to believe we've come this far to just disappear. So through my work I am letting God and the universe know I care for our existence and how my work affects others. If you can see that then you'll work with me not for me. If you want to make a pretty film with pretty people that feeds stereotypes it just won't work. Needless to say after a few tries it is all coming together quite nicely.
The perfect Director has made his way into my life and become part of this journey. He will be revealed when my new website is unveiled August 1st. While it is no secret that I wanted a woman to helm the film after several attempts at it, it did not work out. Note to anyone trying to break into the industry I would suggest not being demanding with your needs until you have the job or firmly and rudely asking me questions that make you come across as intolerable because if you act this way now than I can only imagine what you'll be like in pre-production or on set. Both of these cases sadly were the women I wanted to hire. In the wise words of Todd Blackledge "A humble person never stops learning." That is what got the Director the job. Not only was he humble even after coming off of directing a film with Dan Lauria and Beth Grant but also excited about the project and most of all he NEVER, NOT ONCE looked at me or talked to me like "just a woman" but always as his equal. One thing I don't have patience for is to be treated as anything other than what I am, your equal. Trust me after fourteen years in this business and town you'd know the difference too.
He is granting me the biggest gift of all, the privilege of Becoming Esperanza. I needed to have someone I could trust one hundred percent so I could do this character and story justice as I am practically in every scene. For the first time I feel confident that I can walk away and not need to be on him about anything as we share the same vision for the story. Raw, honest, and relateable. I asked that he make it about a family who happens to be Hispanic so we can have all audiences relate to it. Make it about the world I grew up in as a Latina woman not the world Hollywood has sold you I grew up in. So after plenty of rewrites, thank you John for your patience and hard work, we are almost there. The thing about this production is that I surrounded myself with extremely talented people whose collaboration is needed to make this work which leads to a lot of opinions, discussions, compromising, and understanding.
In the end the story will be what I have seen it as since I first had that cup of coffee with John, the writer, a year ago at Austin Java as he feverishly drove back from Corpus Christi to Austin to pitch his idea to me. It's a story about a family who struggles with their cultural values and imposing them on eachother while one woman journeys through expectations that take her away from herself and back into her own becoming so she can meet her destiny. Somethings she learns the very hard way. In the process everyone involved learns the importance of trusting ourselves and not a system or a way of doing things. It's about simply being. In the end once we've navigated the waters of the unknown territory our journey leads us through I believe we are lead to just be, by learning to trust ourselves.
Esperanza meaning Hope, whose name I changed from Linda to Esperanza after a long discussion with John, is a woman who in a lot of ways is like me and in some she is not. I am actually a combination of her and my last film's character Athena. This story allows Esperanza to find her voice in her mistakes. A way I believe we all do because I believe mistakes are actually life lessons that resulted because of a risk we took, which whether in the moment worked out in our favor or not, it taught us a valuable lesson and led us to our destiny. I don't believe we arrive at our destiny unless we are willing to risk everything and have patience of course. I believe the life you lead is according to your patience. Maybe she risks under pressure and to please others but she risks and therefore her journey leads her to her destiny. This is where we differ because while I have felt cultural pressure of who and what I should be I have been blessed with the courage to follow my heart even if I truly upset some people, without that being my intention, along the way. For that courage I truly have my relationship with God to thank for. The committee i.e. all the voices in my head from past encounters telling what I can do, who I should be, and all my faults gets vetoed around here because of what I have endured and what I have held onto to be able to, my faith. For me it's all about a God of my own understanding especially when I am not understanding where life is leading me.
In the end as I journey through Bearing Fruit I know that all of this is making me a stronger woman. All the people that surround me now make me proud to be doing what I am doing and it makes the extremely hard work doable because I know that in the end one of you will get this film and in the process you will find your voice and it will lead to your destiny and if we can do that for one person than my contribution to this field some call entertainment and I choose to call art will be very satisfying. May your journey lead you to becoming the woman or man you'd want your son or daughter to be one day!
P.S. There is a daring, for me, physical transformation coming to be able to fully have the audience see Esperanza and I keep telling myself I am not Samson. ;-) Wish me luck! So long to the way you've always seen me.
I am in the process of producing my first feature length film and of becoming Esperanza, as I also star in the film. This journey has already come with its fair share of lessons and the most important one thus far is once again learning to go with the flow of the universe ,which brings me back to patience. This lesson is reminding me of a quote I decided to model my life after and comes from one of my favorite writers/philosophers, Ralph Waldo Emerson. "Adapt the pace of nature, her secret is patience." Truly wise words because if we really pay attention nature really takes its time to become whatever it becomes. Whether it be a seed becoming a plant or a tree changing its colors and way of being throughout seasons it takes time. It doesn't happen in a day or a week for that matter. I know I am rushing myself because I want to premiere at SXSW and have my family share this experience with me for once. I've been rejected by SXSW before but I have no intention of going for two. I also realize if it's meant to be it will be and all I can do is work towards meeting their submission deadline. While things are making their way into blooming with my production I am also being reminded to put myself and my health first while enjoying what I am doing.
I have been through two or more people trying to fill the important job positions with great talent whose vision is aligned with mine and who are willing to do the work. The huge difference between an indie film and what most of you see, Hollywood backed films, is that I don't have the budget to hire a hundred people and take all the weight off my shoulders. What I do have that a lot of the time their films lack is passion, passion for a story that needs to be told. Not passion for a box office number. ;-) A relateable, raw, and honest story which doesn't sugarcoat life so the audience can walk out thinking "Wow compared to that my life sucks and I am never going to be that pretty or cool." I don't want to contribute to the downfall of society. I want to contribute to the uprising which a lot of us are doing quietly but sooner or later when God deems it appropriate we won't be so quiet anymore. There is a shift coming. It's either that or our downfall and I refuse to believe we've come this far to just disappear. So through my work I am letting God and the universe know I care for our existence and how my work affects others. If you can see that then you'll work with me not for me. If you want to make a pretty film with pretty people that feeds stereotypes it just won't work. Needless to say after a few tries it is all coming together quite nicely.
The perfect Director has made his way into my life and become part of this journey. He will be revealed when my new website is unveiled August 1st. While it is no secret that I wanted a woman to helm the film after several attempts at it, it did not work out. Note to anyone trying to break into the industry I would suggest not being demanding with your needs until you have the job or firmly and rudely asking me questions that make you come across as intolerable because if you act this way now than I can only imagine what you'll be like in pre-production or on set. Both of these cases sadly were the women I wanted to hire. In the wise words of Todd Blackledge "A humble person never stops learning." That is what got the Director the job. Not only was he humble even after coming off of directing a film with Dan Lauria and Beth Grant but also excited about the project and most of all he NEVER, NOT ONCE looked at me or talked to me like "just a woman" but always as his equal. One thing I don't have patience for is to be treated as anything other than what I am, your equal. Trust me after fourteen years in this business and town you'd know the difference too.
He is granting me the biggest gift of all, the privilege of Becoming Esperanza. I needed to have someone I could trust one hundred percent so I could do this character and story justice as I am practically in every scene. For the first time I feel confident that I can walk away and not need to be on him about anything as we share the same vision for the story. Raw, honest, and relateable. I asked that he make it about a family who happens to be Hispanic so we can have all audiences relate to it. Make it about the world I grew up in as a Latina woman not the world Hollywood has sold you I grew up in. So after plenty of rewrites, thank you John for your patience and hard work, we are almost there. The thing about this production is that I surrounded myself with extremely talented people whose collaboration is needed to make this work which leads to a lot of opinions, discussions, compromising, and understanding.
In the end the story will be what I have seen it as since I first had that cup of coffee with John, the writer, a year ago at Austin Java as he feverishly drove back from Corpus Christi to Austin to pitch his idea to me. It's a story about a family who struggles with their cultural values and imposing them on eachother while one woman journeys through expectations that take her away from herself and back into her own becoming so she can meet her destiny. Somethings she learns the very hard way. In the process everyone involved learns the importance of trusting ourselves and not a system or a way of doing things. It's about simply being. In the end once we've navigated the waters of the unknown territory our journey leads us through I believe we are lead to just be, by learning to trust ourselves.
Esperanza meaning Hope, whose name I changed from Linda to Esperanza after a long discussion with John, is a woman who in a lot of ways is like me and in some she is not. I am actually a combination of her and my last film's character Athena. This story allows Esperanza to find her voice in her mistakes. A way I believe we all do because I believe mistakes are actually life lessons that resulted because of a risk we took, which whether in the moment worked out in our favor or not, it taught us a valuable lesson and led us to our destiny. I don't believe we arrive at our destiny unless we are willing to risk everything and have patience of course. I believe the life you lead is according to your patience. Maybe she risks under pressure and to please others but she risks and therefore her journey leads her to her destiny. This is where we differ because while I have felt cultural pressure of who and what I should be I have been blessed with the courage to follow my heart even if I truly upset some people, without that being my intention, along the way. For that courage I truly have my relationship with God to thank for. The committee i.e. all the voices in my head from past encounters telling what I can do, who I should be, and all my faults gets vetoed around here because of what I have endured and what I have held onto to be able to, my faith. For me it's all about a God of my own understanding especially when I am not understanding where life is leading me.
In the end as I journey through Bearing Fruit I know that all of this is making me a stronger woman. All the people that surround me now make me proud to be doing what I am doing and it makes the extremely hard work doable because I know that in the end one of you will get this film and in the process you will find your voice and it will lead to your destiny and if we can do that for one person than my contribution to this field some call entertainment and I choose to call art will be very satisfying. May your journey lead you to becoming the woman or man you'd want your son or daughter to be one day!
P.S. There is a daring, for me, physical transformation coming to be able to fully have the audience see Esperanza and I keep telling myself I am not Samson. ;-) Wish me luck! So long to the way you've always seen me.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Learning to put myself first. A lesson four years in the making.
I am blessed with a super sensitive body that doesn't like stress and let's me know immediately. I've always suffered from psoriasis but now thanks to repeating a lesson I can add cysts, tori, and abscess to the list of ways my body is telling me something is off balance. I have been growing through a lot lately and last weekend ignoring my body's signals alerting me that something was off caused sleepless nights like they ones I haven't had since 2006. They are not fun and since my body clock is programmed for a seven am wake up call latest on any morning well the following days are pretty torturous. By the end of last weekend I knew what I had to do and after a hike first thing Monday morning I was willing to finally do it.
A friend told me Sunday night at dinner, "I have been watching you do this to yourself for four years" and it hit me like a ton of bricks. She was right I had been, which meant I had also been ignoring the signs my body was desperately giving me in hopes that I would finally get it. By "this" my friend meant she has been watching me put the needs of others before mine since I opened my production company. This is a trait I attribute to my lovingly mother because having seven children doesn't really afford any other option than putting those seven kids before you. In therapy I learned that we all are what we know aka what we witnessed in our childhood unless we make a conscious decision to change it. A belief I made a choice to take on as I examined my life and realized while in therapy that I was definitely my mother. Some things I kept since they are beautiful traits and some I have made a conscious decision to change for my well being and so that I can exist as Adriana Garza not Mercedes Cortazar the second. ;-)
Which brings me to this week. I did it! I finally did it! I put myself first. I had two options as I saw it I could continue on like I was and see what other way my body would alert me that it was my choices that were throwing my life off balance and producing stress or I could take a huge leap of faith and restructure the way I am doing things. Since I do not want a repeat of the stress induced premature heart beat I had in 2008 I opted to get the lesson and move forward. This meant I would potentially hurt some people in the process. People I love dearly. This is what made putting myself first so scary but I realized if I didn't do it now I would keep living a life where I eventually resent situations or people and I don't want to live that way. I trusted that the fear of what others would say or do when I finally stood up and put myself first was a small price to pay for what I would end up paying once again if I continued my pattern.
Now when I say I am putting myself first please do not interpret the selfish putting myself first and screw everyone philosophy, which seems more abundant than I'd like it to be. Nope not that! I am simply going to take care of me and my company first and then everyone. I decided that this is the year Adriana Garza Productions will make a profit and in order to do so I have to put myself first. For four years I have donated proceeds, invested, taken huge leaps of faith, and paid others before I paid myself simply trusting that as I was doing God and the universe would do unto me. I still believe that they have and will but I also now realize I have to take care of myself too by putting my needs first then the ones of others in any situation so I can be healthy and present. It took people wanting so much from me that out did what I was receiving by a lot, (which I feel deserve since this company has been my financial investment, my faith, sweat, tears, and hard work for the past four years), to say enough. I hit a point were I could no longer afford to put anyone else before me or my company literally and if my company is going to continue to exist I have to come first.
Even writing that sounds weird but yet so perfect. It's time to do for myself what I have spent years doing for others. This excludes my philanthropy work because that is a part of me I embrace and I am not willing change. I am referring to putting everyone before me because I feel I owe them not because without my help they won't survive which is the case with most of my non-profit work. The bottom line is we all make choices in life and I have been so afraid of hurting people I put them first. Meanwhile some of these people have had no problem putting themselves and their demands first by asking that the fruits of my labor be theirs. In the process they taught me that in order to survive as a business within my business I must do the same and for that lesson I am grateful.
This journey of mine where I am currently bearing fruit, pun intended, ;-) is constantly changing and from one week to the next it came to a screeching halt so I could restructure and put myself first. It feels so good and the timing feels just right. Something tells me that by July 15 something magical is going to take place that will once again exceed my expectations. The signs have arrived and I am looking forward to the destination my journey is leading me to. It's been quite dark lately but being inside the cocoon will do that to you. Metamorphosis aka preparation is essential to be able to face what lies in the unknown and the what next when it arrives. I am happy to say that thanks to this amazing simple song and many other signs this past week Adriana Garza Productions is moving forward in a whole new direction and I can not wait for you to witness what is yet to come.
For those of you who confuse my kindness with stupidity I thank you because you have helped me take this leap of faith and allowed me to take care of myself and put myself first. For those of you who count me out every time a challenge presented by life knocks me down I say thank you. It makes what comes next far more extraordinary as its deemed a miracle! After all how could I possibly stand again. ;-) Faith does that to you. For all of you who are still learning to take care of yourselves I say do it. I've come to terms with the fact that while the universe has been trying to take care of me I have been too busy taking care of everyone else. I think the words of the wise Ann Richards say it best, "If you think taking care of yourself is selfish, change your mind. If you don't, you're simply ducking your responsibilities." I have with complete awareness changed my mind and I am grateful for the journey that led me here! Oh and don't forget to breathe through your growth. It will all be okay. Actually it is okay now. ;-)
A friend told me Sunday night at dinner, "I have been watching you do this to yourself for four years" and it hit me like a ton of bricks. She was right I had been, which meant I had also been ignoring the signs my body was desperately giving me in hopes that I would finally get it. By "this" my friend meant she has been watching me put the needs of others before mine since I opened my production company. This is a trait I attribute to my lovingly mother because having seven children doesn't really afford any other option than putting those seven kids before you. In therapy I learned that we all are what we know aka what we witnessed in our childhood unless we make a conscious decision to change it. A belief I made a choice to take on as I examined my life and realized while in therapy that I was definitely my mother. Some things I kept since they are beautiful traits and some I have made a conscious decision to change for my well being and so that I can exist as Adriana Garza not Mercedes Cortazar the second. ;-)
Which brings me to this week. I did it! I finally did it! I put myself first. I had two options as I saw it I could continue on like I was and see what other way my body would alert me that it was my choices that were throwing my life off balance and producing stress or I could take a huge leap of faith and restructure the way I am doing things. Since I do not want a repeat of the stress induced premature heart beat I had in 2008 I opted to get the lesson and move forward. This meant I would potentially hurt some people in the process. People I love dearly. This is what made putting myself first so scary but I realized if I didn't do it now I would keep living a life where I eventually resent situations or people and I don't want to live that way. I trusted that the fear of what others would say or do when I finally stood up and put myself first was a small price to pay for what I would end up paying once again if I continued my pattern.
Now when I say I am putting myself first please do not interpret the selfish putting myself first and screw everyone philosophy, which seems more abundant than I'd like it to be. Nope not that! I am simply going to take care of me and my company first and then everyone. I decided that this is the year Adriana Garza Productions will make a profit and in order to do so I have to put myself first. For four years I have donated proceeds, invested, taken huge leaps of faith, and paid others before I paid myself simply trusting that as I was doing God and the universe would do unto me. I still believe that they have and will but I also now realize I have to take care of myself too by putting my needs first then the ones of others in any situation so I can be healthy and present. It took people wanting so much from me that out did what I was receiving by a lot, (which I feel deserve since this company has been my financial investment, my faith, sweat, tears, and hard work for the past four years), to say enough. I hit a point were I could no longer afford to put anyone else before me or my company literally and if my company is going to continue to exist I have to come first.
Even writing that sounds weird but yet so perfect. It's time to do for myself what I have spent years doing for others. This excludes my philanthropy work because that is a part of me I embrace and I am not willing change. I am referring to putting everyone before me because I feel I owe them not because without my help they won't survive which is the case with most of my non-profit work. The bottom line is we all make choices in life and I have been so afraid of hurting people I put them first. Meanwhile some of these people have had no problem putting themselves and their demands first by asking that the fruits of my labor be theirs. In the process they taught me that in order to survive as a business within my business I must do the same and for that lesson I am grateful.
This journey of mine where I am currently bearing fruit, pun intended, ;-) is constantly changing and from one week to the next it came to a screeching halt so I could restructure and put myself first. It feels so good and the timing feels just right. Something tells me that by July 15 something magical is going to take place that will once again exceed my expectations. The signs have arrived and I am looking forward to the destination my journey is leading me to. It's been quite dark lately but being inside the cocoon will do that to you. Metamorphosis aka preparation is essential to be able to face what lies in the unknown and the what next when it arrives. I am happy to say that thanks to this amazing simple song and many other signs this past week Adriana Garza Productions is moving forward in a whole new direction and I can not wait for you to witness what is yet to come.
For those of you who confuse my kindness with stupidity I thank you because you have helped me take this leap of faith and allowed me to take care of myself and put myself first. For those of you who count me out every time a challenge presented by life knocks me down I say thank you. It makes what comes next far more extraordinary as its deemed a miracle! After all how could I possibly stand again. ;-) Faith does that to you. For all of you who are still learning to take care of yourselves I say do it. I've come to terms with the fact that while the universe has been trying to take care of me I have been too busy taking care of everyone else. I think the words of the wise Ann Richards say it best, "If you think taking care of yourself is selfish, change your mind. If you don't, you're simply ducking your responsibilities." I have with complete awareness changed my mind and I am grateful for the journey that led me here! Oh and don't forget to breathe through your growth. It will all be okay. Actually it is okay now. ;-)
Friday, May 28, 2010
Making my way through the unknown. Four years and counting!!
As I left a friend's birthday dinner tonight this song came on the radio.
Its timing was impeccable and the fact that I had grown tired of the rotating cds in my player, yes I actually tire of David Gray, allowed me to be able to hear it as I tuned into the radio which I rarely do. Immediately I was transported to 2006. Four years ago this month exactly I started to make my way through the unknown in complete awareness, which led to me being awarded the Toyota Moving Forward Award as you see here. Sarah Shahi from the L word came to give it to me and GLAMOUR Magazine and Toyota held the ceremony aka split the bill. ;-)
Before my award ceremony in LA GLAMOUR and Toyota flew me to NY to be an honored guest at the GLAMOUR Magazine Women of the Year Awards whose main honoree was Sandra Bullock! My fave! I was so excited when I found out she was there. Here I am posing with some men helping guest as they arrive.
All this led to my play, The Art of Being,
being able to go on tour as people took notice of my work and sponsored. Here is the cast picture that was taken for the tour.
Its truly amazing all the memories that one song can trigger. Its lyrics are what transport me so easily back to the time when I was learning just how powerful I truly am. The words that contributed to my then huge leap of faith. They made me realize that the ending (destination) which was unplanned was so out my control but that what I could control was what I did (journey) to make my dreams become a reality on my terms with my beliefs. Because I was ready to follow my heart in 2006 and write the lyrics to my own song whose melody was written by God, the universe, and their angels I lived extraordinary moments whose birth is only a reality because I learned to make my way through the unknown and navigate the waters its stormy seas sometimes brought or engage in the battle with my angels (friends) and my truth.
The tricky thing about truth is it's subjective. I may only be thirty-three but I have learned quite a few things as I sailed life's uncharted seas or engaged in battles in unknown territory. I've learned that people will go to any length to tell themselves a version of a story based on what truly happened to be able to justify their actions and live with themselves. The more they are in fear the more that story will be farther from your truth. I would like to say "the truth" but we all filter things differently and see the world as we are not as it is so the chances of two stories being the same aren't slim but you would just have to be in the same place emotionally in life as someone else to have it be "the truth". Chances are if you find yourself on the battlefield you aren't in the same place as someone else because they are your opponents.
Opponents try to bring you down, destroy you, and even manipulate you by trying to make their truth yours or the only truth so they can win the battle. Sadly I've faced more of these than I would have liked to. I am truly a person who likes to keep the peace and prefers to discuss things than fight and argue simply for the sake of being right. I can't even recall how many people nor would I want to told me in 2006 that I couldn't do the play, wouldn't win the award, and constantly questioned how I would open and maintain an indie production company. These days that count is down well because after you win an award for your first production ever, go on tour with it, win your favorite author's film competition for your second production, meet him and walk the red carpet with him for the premiere of your film people start to believe in the impossible being possible. What is sad to me about that is people needing to SEE something to believe in it.
That is not who I am anymore. These days I live by one of my favorite quotes by one of my favorite men, "All I have seen teaches me to trust the creator for all I have not seen"~ RW Emerson. When you live your life in awareness that walking through the unknown provides more miracles than the certainty of the "known" you have to rely on blind faith. At least I do and these days while people may no longer try to rock my boat as much with their comments of what I can or can not do the unknown still continues to bring me to unexpected shores. Shores I would rather not land on because once I do I know I will have to be ready to engage in battle if it becomes necessary. All this talk may have you wondering if I fight with others. I don't. I really don't. Aside from my family who knows what buttons to push, its my choice to not react, I am rarely engaged these days. However recently my journey and choices have had me face some people on the battlefield I never dreamed I would.
While I may feel like its my responsibility to take care of me all the time sometimes this leader has to call on her army to help her on the battlefield. I have the most amazing friends in the world who always suit up and show up in the most unbelievable of ways. That is when I see God clearly reminding me how much God loves me. The last year or so has been one of the toughest yet most beautiful years of my life. Beautiful because the unknown continues to bring me miracles and dreams that exceed my own and tough because everything comes at a price. Prices I will never pay are my dignity, morals, beliefs, and values. The last year has been rough because some of those people who used to suit and show up for me once upon a time, did it again but this time they faced me on the battlefield as my opponent.
I won't be bullied by anyone and I will not be turned into someone I am not so people can not only buy their version of what is and live with their choices but also try and sell it to others. If there is something I have proven to be true repeatedly is that the truth does set you free. When you have lived with honesty you can rest your head to sleep at night without thoughts keeping you up. While I am beyond sad that some of the people who were once helping me navigate the unknown as part of my army are now opposing me and trying to destroy me I am beyond grateful that God loved me enough to show me their true colors. I am beyond flabbergasted as to who these people truly are. Time had come for me to move on and when I didn't do the moving for myself God did it for me by exposing me to a level of judgment projected on me with words and actions that only a person in hate with themselves would project on another.
However even as my army grows smaller I am grateful for those who remain and continue to cheer me on and want to see me succeed. After all it's not about the quantity but quality of the army. We know hundreds of poisoned soldiers are no good but ten healthy ones are extraordinary. To me the key to success is not only leading an army but knowing when to step down and become part of that army to allow another leader to shine. As these harsh lessons make their way through my life I am looking forward to what is about to be born of faith once more as I continue my journey through the unknown yet again and Bear Fruit, my first feature film. It's a huge undertaking but everything I have lived has led me here. I am ready to create work that has a message and makes people think yet again. I am resting my sword for now and trusting in the process once more but most of all looking forward to watching all the beautiful talented people God is sending my way be each other's teachers and create art that inspires you to follow your heart.
My opponents have taught me that what matters most is not what happens but how I handle what happens. Once again I believe I let every ounce of my being be genuine when it was attacked and remain true to its morals, values, and beliefs trusting that as we do so is done to us. My journey has taught me that some people's ideas of taking care of themselves is taking down another in the process to ensure their own success. All I have to say to those who tried is, if you invite evil in for a cup of tea it will try to stay for dinner but if you invite it to my dinner you better be ready to be escorted out immediately. ;-) I will always continue to do things my way and I will not tolerate anyone disrespecting me, my beliefs and those I love and their beliefs. I will continue to believe in a world where everyone's individuality can create a unique beautiful world where love, goodness, and faith triumph fear, hatred, and competitiveness. God thank you for giving me the courage to make my way through the unknown on my terms without ever purposely hurting anyone. Thank you for giving me the courage to do things with purpose and love and without selling my soul to my grandest opponent even if it meant biting off more than I could chew. Let the record show I took the BLOW(S) and did it MY WAY!!! ;-)
Its timing was impeccable and the fact that I had grown tired of the rotating cds in my player, yes I actually tire of David Gray, allowed me to be able to hear it as I tuned into the radio which I rarely do. Immediately I was transported to 2006. Four years ago this month exactly I started to make my way through the unknown in complete awareness, which led to me being awarded the Toyota Moving Forward Award as you see here. Sarah Shahi from the L word came to give it to me and GLAMOUR Magazine and Toyota held the ceremony aka split the bill. ;-)
Before my award ceremony in LA GLAMOUR and Toyota flew me to NY to be an honored guest at the GLAMOUR Magazine Women of the Year Awards whose main honoree was Sandra Bullock! My fave! I was so excited when I found out she was there. Here I am posing with some men helping guest as they arrive.
All this led to my play, The Art of Being,
being able to go on tour as people took notice of my work and sponsored. Here is the cast picture that was taken for the tour.
Its truly amazing all the memories that one song can trigger. Its lyrics are what transport me so easily back to the time when I was learning just how powerful I truly am. The words that contributed to my then huge leap of faith. They made me realize that the ending (destination) which was unplanned was so out my control but that what I could control was what I did (journey) to make my dreams become a reality on my terms with my beliefs. Because I was ready to follow my heart in 2006 and write the lyrics to my own song whose melody was written by God, the universe, and their angels I lived extraordinary moments whose birth is only a reality because I learned to make my way through the unknown and navigate the waters its stormy seas sometimes brought or engage in the battle with my angels (friends) and my truth.
The tricky thing about truth is it's subjective. I may only be thirty-three but I have learned quite a few things as I sailed life's uncharted seas or engaged in battles in unknown territory. I've learned that people will go to any length to tell themselves a version of a story based on what truly happened to be able to justify their actions and live with themselves. The more they are in fear the more that story will be farther from your truth. I would like to say "the truth" but we all filter things differently and see the world as we are not as it is so the chances of two stories being the same aren't slim but you would just have to be in the same place emotionally in life as someone else to have it be "the truth". Chances are if you find yourself on the battlefield you aren't in the same place as someone else because they are your opponents.
Opponents try to bring you down, destroy you, and even manipulate you by trying to make their truth yours or the only truth so they can win the battle. Sadly I've faced more of these than I would have liked to. I am truly a person who likes to keep the peace and prefers to discuss things than fight and argue simply for the sake of being right. I can't even recall how many people nor would I want to told me in 2006 that I couldn't do the play, wouldn't win the award, and constantly questioned how I would open and maintain an indie production company. These days that count is down well because after you win an award for your first production ever, go on tour with it, win your favorite author's film competition for your second production, meet him and walk the red carpet with him for the premiere of your film people start to believe in the impossible being possible. What is sad to me about that is people needing to SEE something to believe in it.
That is not who I am anymore. These days I live by one of my favorite quotes by one of my favorite men, "All I have seen teaches me to trust the creator for all I have not seen"~ RW Emerson. When you live your life in awareness that walking through the unknown provides more miracles than the certainty of the "known" you have to rely on blind faith. At least I do and these days while people may no longer try to rock my boat as much with their comments of what I can or can not do the unknown still continues to bring me to unexpected shores. Shores I would rather not land on because once I do I know I will have to be ready to engage in battle if it becomes necessary. All this talk may have you wondering if I fight with others. I don't. I really don't. Aside from my family who knows what buttons to push, its my choice to not react, I am rarely engaged these days. However recently my journey and choices have had me face some people on the battlefield I never dreamed I would.
While I may feel like its my responsibility to take care of me all the time sometimes this leader has to call on her army to help her on the battlefield. I have the most amazing friends in the world who always suit up and show up in the most unbelievable of ways. That is when I see God clearly reminding me how much God loves me. The last year or so has been one of the toughest yet most beautiful years of my life. Beautiful because the unknown continues to bring me miracles and dreams that exceed my own and tough because everything comes at a price. Prices I will never pay are my dignity, morals, beliefs, and values. The last year has been rough because some of those people who used to suit and show up for me once upon a time, did it again but this time they faced me on the battlefield as my opponent.
I won't be bullied by anyone and I will not be turned into someone I am not so people can not only buy their version of what is and live with their choices but also try and sell it to others. If there is something I have proven to be true repeatedly is that the truth does set you free. When you have lived with honesty you can rest your head to sleep at night without thoughts keeping you up. While I am beyond sad that some of the people who were once helping me navigate the unknown as part of my army are now opposing me and trying to destroy me I am beyond grateful that God loved me enough to show me their true colors. I am beyond flabbergasted as to who these people truly are. Time had come for me to move on and when I didn't do the moving for myself God did it for me by exposing me to a level of judgment projected on me with words and actions that only a person in hate with themselves would project on another.
However even as my army grows smaller I am grateful for those who remain and continue to cheer me on and want to see me succeed. After all it's not about the quantity but quality of the army. We know hundreds of poisoned soldiers are no good but ten healthy ones are extraordinary. To me the key to success is not only leading an army but knowing when to step down and become part of that army to allow another leader to shine. As these harsh lessons make their way through my life I am looking forward to what is about to be born of faith once more as I continue my journey through the unknown yet again and Bear Fruit, my first feature film. It's a huge undertaking but everything I have lived has led me here. I am ready to create work that has a message and makes people think yet again. I am resting my sword for now and trusting in the process once more but most of all looking forward to watching all the beautiful talented people God is sending my way be each other's teachers and create art that inspires you to follow your heart.
My opponents have taught me that what matters most is not what happens but how I handle what happens. Once again I believe I let every ounce of my being be genuine when it was attacked and remain true to its morals, values, and beliefs trusting that as we do so is done to us. My journey has taught me that some people's ideas of taking care of themselves is taking down another in the process to ensure their own success. All I have to say to those who tried is, if you invite evil in for a cup of tea it will try to stay for dinner but if you invite it to my dinner you better be ready to be escorted out immediately. ;-) I will always continue to do things my way and I will not tolerate anyone disrespecting me, my beliefs and those I love and their beliefs. I will continue to believe in a world where everyone's individuality can create a unique beautiful world where love, goodness, and faith triumph fear, hatred, and competitiveness. God thank you for giving me the courage to make my way through the unknown on my terms without ever purposely hurting anyone. Thank you for giving me the courage to do things with purpose and love and without selling my soul to my grandest opponent even if it meant biting off more than I could chew. Let the record show I took the BLOW(S) and did it MY WAY!!! ;-)
Monday, May 3, 2010
The gifts of raising a teenage girl.
I recently saw the Blind Side for the second time and this time I cried like a baby. Not that I didn't the first time but maybe the fact that I was in a theater made me a little more reserved. This time in the comforts of my home I wept and wept. It's hard to imagine a world where a mom doesn't want their child and that is the reason for all those tears. I don't want to think that any child isn't LOVED as they DESERVE but sadly it's happening. What I take from this movie is that a mom doesn't want their child because she feels their child deserves better than what she is capable of giving. That doesn't make it any easier to see what the child goes through because of the mom's choices. Choice. That is such a powerful word and action. What we choose really shapes us, our lives, and those we decide to share it with.
I am thinking about this a lot these days because as some of you know I am raising a teenage girl purely by choice of my own while she is not my own. As I type that I keep thinking of Sandra Bullock's words when she was promoting the Blind Side. "Just because a child didn't come from you doesn't mean they aren't yours." While I do not intend to ever replace Zoey's mom or her memories of her the truth is that now I am responsible for raising a teenage girl. I volunteered at Big Brother Big Sister never knowing what awaited me and clearly seeing once we were matched that as usual God always has a plan for me quite more grand than the ones I have for myself. God really trusts me! ;-)
She is a smart, beautiful, and full of energy young lady. I am well aware that she is watching EVERY move I make. My choices are now affecting someone else in a way I never expected until I married and shared this duty with someone else. God as usual had other plans. Everything from what I say to others to how I drive is being scrutinized. I am well aware of this and I am also well aware that all I can do is be genuine and be me. I don't hide ANYTHING from her. Not my sadness nor my excitement. I jumped up and down with her when I was going to Rome for my film's premiere and I confessed why I cried in the car as Taylor Swift's White Horse played. The latter prompted her to say to me when we got out of the car, "You need a hug" and proceeded to give me one. She is making me realize that all I want for her is what my mom wanted for all of her seven kids, happiness.
While I want her happiness more than anything I also don't want for one second to take from her journey or make her a copy of me!! I want her to be Zoey O. at her fullest!!!! Who she was born to be, which is why this weekend was so important and a test of that. She hasn't been doing so great in her honors classes so I had to test my ability to be firm and forgo worrying about being liked for her well being. I gave the speeches my mom gave us and to my surprise they were well received. She shows me more and more everyday that children desire guidance even when it seems like they have been left to fend for themselves as part of their life's plan. (her mom passed when she was 8) She was grounded but was allowed to do what we had planned as well. She knew we would spend all of Saturday catching up on all that homework that was never turned in but Friday night we would stick to our plans.
Friday night reminded me of what it is like to thirteen. Memories came rushing back of the young Adriana who hid from Ricky Martin when my mom went to introduce me. I would go on to meet him several times and my sister in law went on to work with him in a soap opera. ;-) Zoey saw Jason Mraz for the first time Friday night and in the process has shown me how little I care about what anyone thinks of me. ;-) Everytime he walked by she would point and say there's Jason. Even to his face and you should have seen her when she sat in the same aisle as him. At the end of the evening I introduced them and silence with a smile is what became of this chatty teenager. He conversed with her and she said nothing! This picture says it all.
It was reminiscent of this day for me. Look at that smile. Look familiar? I grew into the smile.;-)
In a lot of ways she reminds me of me when I was her age and more and more everyday I see God's plan for the both of us. I am officially a package deal. You want me, then you have to know her and the importance of her in my life. The gifts she has given me continue to show themselves everyday. Most of all she has made my gratitude for my mom grow and grow and grow. I have asked God many times for courage, faith, strength, and patience among other things. Spending the weekend with her reminded me of how God doesn't just give you those qualities. God gives you scenarios where those qualities can be born. All I can hope for her is that she is given the courage in our relationship to witness her own BECOMING! I am there to catch her when she falls but she has got to be the one willing to get back up. I want her to always trust she can be all she dreams of and more as my beautiful friend Jen Marie reminded me I could be when she sent me this song.
"We never know how high we are
Till we are called to rise;
And then, if we are true to plan,
Our statures touch the skies." — Emily Dickinson
I am thinking about this a lot these days because as some of you know I am raising a teenage girl purely by choice of my own while she is not my own. As I type that I keep thinking of Sandra Bullock's words when she was promoting the Blind Side. "Just because a child didn't come from you doesn't mean they aren't yours." While I do not intend to ever replace Zoey's mom or her memories of her the truth is that now I am responsible for raising a teenage girl. I volunteered at Big Brother Big Sister never knowing what awaited me and clearly seeing once we were matched that as usual God always has a plan for me quite more grand than the ones I have for myself. God really trusts me! ;-)
She is a smart, beautiful, and full of energy young lady. I am well aware that she is watching EVERY move I make. My choices are now affecting someone else in a way I never expected until I married and shared this duty with someone else. God as usual had other plans. Everything from what I say to others to how I drive is being scrutinized. I am well aware of this and I am also well aware that all I can do is be genuine and be me. I don't hide ANYTHING from her. Not my sadness nor my excitement. I jumped up and down with her when I was going to Rome for my film's premiere and I confessed why I cried in the car as Taylor Swift's White Horse played. The latter prompted her to say to me when we got out of the car, "You need a hug" and proceeded to give me one. She is making me realize that all I want for her is what my mom wanted for all of her seven kids, happiness.
While I want her happiness more than anything I also don't want for one second to take from her journey or make her a copy of me!! I want her to be Zoey O. at her fullest!!!! Who she was born to be, which is why this weekend was so important and a test of that. She hasn't been doing so great in her honors classes so I had to test my ability to be firm and forgo worrying about being liked for her well being. I gave the speeches my mom gave us and to my surprise they were well received. She shows me more and more everyday that children desire guidance even when it seems like they have been left to fend for themselves as part of their life's plan. (her mom passed when she was 8) She was grounded but was allowed to do what we had planned as well. She knew we would spend all of Saturday catching up on all that homework that was never turned in but Friday night we would stick to our plans.
Friday night reminded me of what it is like to thirteen. Memories came rushing back of the young Adriana who hid from Ricky Martin when my mom went to introduce me. I would go on to meet him several times and my sister in law went on to work with him in a soap opera. ;-) Zoey saw Jason Mraz for the first time Friday night and in the process has shown me how little I care about what anyone thinks of me. ;-) Everytime he walked by she would point and say there's Jason. Even to his face and you should have seen her when she sat in the same aisle as him. At the end of the evening I introduced them and silence with a smile is what became of this chatty teenager. He conversed with her and she said nothing! This picture says it all.
It was reminiscent of this day for me. Look at that smile. Look familiar? I grew into the smile.;-)
In a lot of ways she reminds me of me when I was her age and more and more everyday I see God's plan for the both of us. I am officially a package deal. You want me, then you have to know her and the importance of her in my life. The gifts she has given me continue to show themselves everyday. Most of all she has made my gratitude for my mom grow and grow and grow. I have asked God many times for courage, faith, strength, and patience among other things. Spending the weekend with her reminded me of how God doesn't just give you those qualities. God gives you scenarios where those qualities can be born. All I can hope for her is that she is given the courage in our relationship to witness her own BECOMING! I am there to catch her when she falls but she has got to be the one willing to get back up. I want her to always trust she can be all she dreams of and more as my beautiful friend Jen Marie reminded me I could be when she sent me this song.
"We never know how high we are
Till we are called to rise;
And then, if we are true to plan,
Our statures touch the skies." — Emily Dickinson
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