Surrendering to the creation of life.

It is hard to believe it has been over a year since I moved to Austin. On April 30th I thought a lot about the journey I began last year on that day. How after sixteen years in LA life was clearly detouring me and asking me to follow the path of change, drastic change. I obliged for many reasons, which the signs blatantly exposed. Signs only I could decipher and comprehend. The move was easier than the change. While I embraced the change the city brought, leaving my family of sixteen years proved challenging. Add to it that while the entertainment industry is growing in Austin it is obviously no where near the market LA is and a lot changed. I struggled to find my ground with work and friends. Some family members weren't very supportive therefore they didn't make my transition as smooth as I had hoped. At some point last summer I remember thinking, if you want me to go back send me a sign and if love and children aren't in my journey this time around I'll comprehend. In some ways I felt defeated because the support system, chosen family, I had in LA was not here. The sign never came. Instead signs to stay put did and before I knew it my path crossed with a man who would change my destiny forever. As many know Travis is now my fiancé. He is my biggest supporter, cheerleader and best friend. My companion into the next lifetime so it should come as no surprise that I share everything with him. A few months back I began telling him how I could no longer run three miles, heck I could barely make it to half of one. I was also concerned with the fact that I had little energy and was falling asleep around 8pm and that was when it all started to come together. I was in pre-production for the biggest production of my life, unbeknownst to me, yet my body was trying to tell me. Shortly after we found out the AMAZING news! As I had bid farewell to two lives in the past two years, including my birth father, new life was inside of me. I couldn't believe the magical miracle that was unfolding. I was ecstatic as is Travis. I shared with few people and made my bridesmaid/friend Ginny my confidant as she had just had her baby girl in October. We spoke often, I signed up for the newsletters and secretly began the biggest journey of surrender I have ever embarked on. Something Ginny had also warned me about, surrendering. While I was tired I didn't experience other symptoms and I thought I was home free. This wasn't as hard as it seemed until my sixth week that is when true surrendering began. Ginny kept me going in the stage where the newness of it all seemed daunting. Always my cheerleader reminding me that all I the pain I was enduring meant the pregnancy was taking well to my body. The nausea kicked in as did the vomiting. It got so bad I ended up in the hospital where I was diagnosed with hypermesis, severe morning sickness, which is what Duchess Kate had as well and only one percent of pregnant women get. Therefore I've had more appointments than a normal pregnancy and began to see our baby from very early on. It is hard to put into words what I felt when I saw that flickering light, our baby's heartbeat. I've understood from day one that a miracle is unfolding inside me but to see it with my own eyes is something inexplicable. I won't lie or sugarcoat things. I've been in pain, a lot. I've cried a lot and I've spent the past six weeks alternating between the couch and bed. It has been surrendering in ways I never knew I was capable of and I've struggled. My body was no longer at my command. Where it would be, how much it could eat and when it could move was now dictated by the life inside of me. I didn't move or eat much at all and definitely didn't go many places at all in the first trimester but it was just as it was meant to be. Just as I surrendered to what was I got to see Travis be the loving man I know him to be and then some! Following me to the bathroom and holding back my hair as I threw up, making soup for me as I lay unable to move, shopping for my food, taking me to the hospital, holding me while I cried and most of all telling how much he honored what I was doing. Looking into his eyes shows me that everything I lived through to get here was just as God and the universe wanted it. I had a destiny to get to and the two year bumpy road and detours it took to get here was so worth it! I can only begin to imagine what I'll feel when I look into our baby's eyes. A part of me can't help but think Neil, my birth father, grandfather and some more angels had something to do with this perfectly timed miracle that resides in me. These days I am feeling a little better. Hopefully now you can comprehend and forgive why emails and phone calls have been un returned. I even had to stop volunteer teaching at the foster home but I'm coming around and taking it one day at a time. It's hard to put into words what I feel but I do know that nothing had been in vain, there IS always a plan and everyday I thank my lucky stars that I was gifted the faith and courage to say goodbye to the life I had so I could live my way into the life that was waiting for me. I am blessed and humbled by the magnificent new beginning God, my angels and the universe were writing and continue to write for me. A new journey in an entirely new direction begins and I am honored to add mom to my resume and surrender to the journey that is creating life! I've learned that with Patience everything is possible and a new day has come! "Where it was dark now there is light! Where there was pain now there is joy. Where there was weakness I found my strength all in the eyes of a boy. Hush now I see the LIGHT in the sky, it's almost blinding me. I can't believe I've been touched by angel with love." I used to play this song a lot when I first got to Austin. In it's lyrics I found tremendous solace and now, well now I finally made my way home and it all has become so clear! To you baby McGehee all I can say is Patience brought you to us and we can't wait to meet you!!!

The Art of Knowing.

I have come to know many things in life simply by not knowing or knowing exactly what I didn't want. Once upon a time I too fell into the trappings of being a cynic due to the cards I was dealt in matters of the heart. Today I am grateful for all those cards that once made a cynic of me as they led me to the man I will, before this year ends, call my husband. Two years ago this exact month I was dealing with the passing of my father, which followed the passing of Neil. A series of events unfolded that same year that led me to pack up my belongings and after sixteen years in Los Angeles head back home to Texas. While I do have family here my urge to move was something bigger. Yes I would be closer to my siblings and mom and step dad but I knew this urge to pack up and leave the past behind went beyond that. Truth be told two girl friends of mine insisted the one was awaiting me in Texas. Ginny was actually in Austin when she found out I was moving and told me she knew it was where I was meant to be. I have known many kinds of love. Lust masked as love, love that lacks reciprocation, love blinded by beauty, love that strives to change someone and unconditional love. Unconditional love I have learned about in recent years. It was through knowing all the other loves that I was able to understand unconditional love and conclude that was what I yearned for and most of all deserve. I believe we all do. Knowing what I do not want in many areas of my life by experiencing it allows me to come to know what I do want. It has been said by some these past few days, that our love is too soon, among other words I choose to not entertain or repeat. What I do choose to entertain is the knowledge that having my best friend cross paths with me and propose to me has brought. Travis is my best friend so he knows everything. From Thomas to Cotter he knows of their impact in my life to the ways they helped me navigate the darkened path I was on, led me towards the light and let me go when necessary so my path could come to cross with his. We hide nothing from each other and because we became friends first and then the obvious came to light, we have that strong bond of two people wanting the best for the other. I have known untimely love more than any other so I have had many broken promises. A life filling a heart with some days made for some bitter years but I never lost hope. So when I arrived in Texas with minimal baggage and once I got past the notion that I could loose a friend, a door to the love of my lives opened. I have a very strong faith but it has actually been Travis, whose strong belief in a love beyond this existence, has led me to believe I will love him into the next life. There is no one else I want to see smiling at me when I depart my body and arrive wherever we go than him. I believe heaven you can believe what your heart tells you. It was his smile that caught my eye when we first met and I hired him to work on my film Road Trip with the Devil. Working side by side with someone in a forty eight hour film competition will show you many things. I still adore his enthusiasm, work ethic and insane talent! He can write, edit, do graphic design, has engineered major record albums you have probably listened to and danced in the film Step Up. But I can honestly say that while our upbringing and chosen profession does make our bond strong its our communication in every aspect of our relationship that keeps us going. He knows that I thought Cotter was a soulmate, then Thomas and that I almost married a way too different, way too old man I loved when I was twenty-two. He knows my dreams, my losses and while I am working my way back to my heART is there everyday to hear me out when seeing my heART come to life again feels so distant. When I look into his eyes I see how safe he wants to keep me, how much he loves US, and how genuine his love is. I see a man I may have crossed paths with a thousand years ago and a man I want to love for the next thousand years into the next lifetime. I refuse to explain to anyone our love or defend it but I will gladly share my story in hopes that you too can believe in magical, perfectly timed love. Love is not torturous, unrequited, hard, blind, hurtful, keeping score, or competitive. Love is a flow, a friendship, respect and most of all acceptance of who the person when you meet them not who you hope to make them. Not having this in my life in all of my past relationships led me to know exactly what I wanted and most of all allowed me to receive and give the abundant love Travis and I share. You don't have to date someone for a year or ten to know, you simply just do know when you know and I know that I have a friend and lover who sees me, loves me just as I am and who will most definitely love me into the next life time. May a life of not knowing gift you a life of knowing the love you deserve. "Take me now. The world's such a crazy place. When the walls come down you'll know I'm here to stay. There's nothing I would change. Knowing that together everything that's in our way. We're better than alright."

The Art of Losing.

Losing is defined as to come or be without. Since last night I have been hearing sorry for the loss, which got me thinking. Loss. To me that is a very deep, strong word and a loss to me is not being able to call Neil or not being able to someday see my birth father face to face like I had hoped. People seizing to exist in human form is a loss. Not winning an award is truly not a loss. If you were me and knew the journey I endured to make it to the 48 hour film competition, then perhaps like me you may conclude I won big time. I decided to take on the challenge after a meeting with the film commissioner. At the time I thought what a great way to get to know the local talent in front of and behind the scenes. I truly had no idea what to expect as I had never done anything like it. I can honestly say I was catapulted into growth. By the time November 30th rolled around I had my cast and crew as well as a concept that had come to me while running town lake. My work always had to deliver a message or it's not worth it to me and what had surfaced while running and was asking for an outlet was definitely worth exploring. It never dawned on me that I could get anything but drama. Part of the challenge was drawing elements from a bowl the night competition commenced that had to be in your film. So when I drew comedy you should have seen my face. It was as Mike, our photographer called it, shock. How could I deliver a message in comedy? The urban/big city I could do but comedy? Travis, my co-writer/editor/confidant and god sent angel and I sat down and got to work. From 7 pm or so till midnight we wrote, scouted locations, gave call times and came up with a dark comedy in part thanks to creative consultant Eric Schwartz aka Smooth-e. My concept did not get thrown out and in a mere few hours I grew as an actor knowing I would have to go somewhere I had never gone before as Veronica. We came up with a dark comedy about choosing what voices we adhere to in life. Veronica would react to the voices, who showed up in physical form, on her road trip through the streets of life, as perhaps some wish they could but never do. Or perhaps some have. I would have to be mean in a funny way and that itself was a win for me. The opportunity to deliver a message in a different way. It was to say the least, challenging but most of all fun! I had not had so much fun on a set in a long time. Blame in on the big Texas skies, the friendly cast and crew and their willingness to go wherever I took them through my vision and the over all ambiance but I knew on set I had a winner. It didn't matter if the judges saw one or not for I saw all the wins already. Guess who the actors were. Yes, the actors were from our Bearing Fruit auditions and in that I saw magic and a win. Timing as usual was everything and when all the elements aligned we finally worked together. The thought of that alone makes me smile. Thinking back on a year ago and how I had to let them all know I opted out of film option terms so I would no longer produce it. How it broke my heart but how standing up for my production and myself and not handing creative control over or sharing it under certain terms given made my decision easy and yet a loss of all the people I had put together. Yet here we were on God's time making magic. I've worked on a lot of sets from the small like mine, to the million dollar Dodge campaign were I met my northern star and yet I have never experienced a crew and actors like this. All of my experiences have something but this one, this one was magical. Perfectly timed and because of its magic two films were born. I trusted them so much I knew we could also do a drama version which would more clearly deliver the message that while the darkness can seem prominent it is indeed up to us to choose the light. To carry and heed to the voice that supports us. I don't consider this 48 hour journey's inability to produce a first, second, third place award a loss. I consider the timing of crossing paths with David Harper, Martha Prentiss, Chloe Kissner, Marco Martinez, Erika Martinez, Stephanie Kissner, Jerry Henderson, Lauren Pruitt, Roseann Garcia, DJ Veliz, Raymond Daniel, Melo, Mike Rushton and especially Travis McGehee a win if I have ever known one. I consider watching a female DP, Lauren, lead a crew with such grace and patience, a win if I ever saw one. I tried to hire as many women as possible before to support women in film, but talent must come first, and it hadn't worked out. Then here in Texas on its own and through the flow of the universe and guidance of God it did, and with it came a female AC. I could sit here and go on forever on wins. I did a retro film in the 60's, which I LOVE. I wrote a comedy. I wrote a comedy. Me? Queen of all things serious. Yes it was a dramedy but it was comedy. ;-) I proved to myself that what did not kill me did indeed make me stronger and that in a year I went from crying in my mom's home in Texas as I moved out of my LA apartment and came home for Christmas to coming to her home, filling it up with equipment, food, props, wardrobe etc. to make a film, almost a year later. In the room I slept in while I shot in San Antonio a few weeks ago, I had cried a year before while shooting my documentary. Questioning where it was all leading. Trying to stay positive while loosing my apartment, my commercial and film in one month. The same year my agent dropped me two months after my birth father passed, and he passed three months after Neil. I questioned how I would possibly get up and gather strength to move even saying to God during an extremely non-stop turbulent flight to Texas, "I'm really tired God, if you want to put me to sleep eternally, I'm so okay with that right now." I was accepting a will I thought would be his as the stewardess were asked to take their seats. I thought an end to the pain of true loss was coming. So I closed my eyes and leaned back and accepted what I thought was God's will. As I write that I can't believe where walking on faith took me and I am grateful I was wrong about God's will. Had I not chosen to hold on hope and stay in faith I would have stopped adhering to my belief that all is always as it should be and in my best interest for my growth as a spirit in a physical world. I would not have met the beauty of nature on town lake. I wouldn't have crossed paths with Desiree again. I would have not helped my mom set up her new shop and organize my sister's flower shop. Most of all I would not have taken a Road Trip with the Devil and lived to tell you about it. I would have not been able to follow my Northern Star and in the end believe in me like it did. I wouldn't have followed its light. Pink light. ;-) This will all make sense after the drama version sees the light in 2013. This was what was born in the film competition. So as I come down from the high of it all I see win after win after win and I do not need a panel of JUDGES to tell me if I'm a winner in life or not. The thing about life is that if we wait for others to validate us or our work we take from the journey that led us there. That's where it is at for me. No one, beside God and the universe, is ever going to know the depth of my journey and what it takes to make the impossible, possible. Which is why the constantly reward me by crossing my path with amazing I mean amazing souls! My friend Carlos worked diligently, while on tour in Europe, to get his friends Kristian and Shawn to donate music to my film. Indeed as Shawn sings below it's a beautiful life. One that allowed me to discover him and Kristian and many other talented souls willing to work as a team to make a dream come true. I am a blessed "looser", don't you think? May your journey allow you to see what a winner you are simply by having the desire to dream the impossible dream. Anything after that is icing on the cake. Oh and just in case your wondering, yes I would have liked to win the actual award but I'm grateful my journey for now is about knowing how win in other ways. This young man is our soundtrack to Road Trip with the Devil. His soulful voice will help deliver the message and if its not clear to me now than it never will be, all is as it should be. To hear more of Shawn visit www.shawnpander.com and to see where all this is headed, stayed tuned to the road trip.

The art of seeing with my heart. A place where endless possibilities reside.

It's the day of gratitude once again but I have to be honest and say I try as best as I can to live everyday in gratitude. As soon as I open my eyes I thank God for another day and continue to be thankful through out the day. So much Paco loves to mock me publicly on my fb about it. Ah childhood friends. ;-) If I listed all I'm grateful for this blog would never end. What is most present today is being grateful for the capacity to see with my heart. A place where endless possibilities reside. It's not easy to put into words but it is easy to follow my heART. The older I get, thirty-six gratitude filled years next week, the less I know and that is why seeing with my heart works for me. A year ago today I was on cloud nine. I had been given a thirty day notice to vacate my apartment but the day before Thanksgiving and two days after that notice I was hired as an actor for a six day San Francisco/Lake Tahoe Honda commercial shoot. The day before heading off and my birthday, November 29, I would be at my friend Jason's closing concert of his tour. The night before the show and the eve of my 35th my agent called that Honda had changed their mind and let me go. Although they had made it sound like the spot was dropped to ease the pain I would find out from my commercial husband, Kirk, that they did indeed shoot it. I had been replaced. Luckily for me they had to pay me one day as they had booked me. So there I was in the midst of sixteen years worth of belongings being packed, unemployed and without a home. Two weeks earlier I had opted not to extend the option on my production of two years, Bearing Fruit, so that was gone as well. I packed up as I had to be out by December 21. I gave away so much stuff and had like three or four yard sales. It was quite cleansing to let so much go. Especially after what the passing of Neil and my birth father taught me. While I did all the letting go I could feel in my heart that all was in my best interest so because of that ability I could see the beauty in everyday. Sure I cried a lot but I also had a blast at Jason's show. Especially when he sang happy birthday and said that lots of people had birthdays that day and went on to shout out his friend Adri. ;-) It was moments like that where I could feel the beauty through my heart. For every time my heart broke a crack was created that allowed the light to shine in and on. A light like Danielle and Cienna sitting with me on the living room floor. Something Pamela did too. Friends would just come by and shed light and I left my Christmas tree up till the end. Refusing to let all of it take my Christmas away. Through friends aka my LA family my heart shun so brightly. There are no words that could ever do justice to how grateful I am for their couches, guest bedrooms, home cooked meals etc. while I searched for a new home. In my heart I always knew today was coming so when LA no longer felt like home and all I could feel was the loss of Neil, my dad, my home of eleven years, my work etc. I decided to let go of the weight of it all or I knew I would be dragged. I packed my car, put the loveliest of ladies, Areli, in the passenger seat, let the movers take what few belongings I chose to keep and drove from LA to Austin. Today I woke to my first Thanksgiving here. My family in Monterrey has their kids in bilingual schools so they abide by our Holidays. They are here! I drove to San Antonio first thing this morning to be with them. I can't recall the last time I was here for what we call "el dia de gracias." Today I have so much to be grateful for but looking back to a year ago today I am grateful I trusted that my heart could see beyond what was unfolding. That I followed it. That I will hear my nephews laughter soon. That I will sit across from Veronica, my sister who always encourages me and never values me by my circumstances, and smile grateful that thanks to people like her I made it through. That next week the day before I step on a set again and my first retro production for a film competition I will turn 36. I am grateful my elementary school friend Desiree moved here in August and has been lighting my path towards the Road trip I'm about to take. I'm grateful my mom and I have been given the opportunity to strengthen our bond and discover each other as adults. I'm grateful for he who believed what I could be and do back at that small theater at the complex where he stood and awaited me outside later imploring me to go on, saying he awaited great things from me. I am grateful for he who saw the light/love in my eyes but let me go so I could be led here. Home. Every detour has led me to exactly where I was meant to be. Nothing is in vain and was/is as it should be. Most of all I am most humbled and grateful for the most unseen element in my life, which my heart constantly feels and I see in this realm through the timely signs. To you God I say thank you for always trusting me with so much and making me more than I ever imagine I can be. Beyond grateful for your trust in me!!! I am settled. I am home. I am grateful! To new beginnings and following my heART! May you have a gratitude filled LIFE! "Hold on, to me as we go. As we roll down this unfamiliar road and although this wave is stringing us along just know you’re not alone cause I’m going to make this place your home. Settle down, it'll all be clear.Don't pay no mind to the demons. They fill you with fear. The trouble it might drag you down. If you get lost, you can always be found." Open your heart and you'll be amazed what your eyes will see.

The art and yes perk of growing up a wallflower.

If you saw the art of being in its first run then you know what my childhood was like. Let's just say I did a lot of work in therapy to overcome all the name calling. And in high school I did what I could to fit in and be seen. So eventually I won a pageant, the thing to do in Texas, and quickly realized that is not the seen I longed for. Yet we grow up with everything being chosen for us and advertisers guiding us. Yes there are fabulous advertisers whose sites usually end in .gov or start with PBS but they are the ones less seen. The ones I discovered as an adult. So like the lead character in the Perks of being a wallflower I too stood on the sidelines, observed and like a sponge soaked it all in. Don't feel bad for me because it turned out to be my first acting tool, listening and observing, which led to being present. A must in my world of acting if I want the audience to feel what I feel. Throwing out lines is good for some but if I can't make you feel my sadness or joy I have not done my job. So as I grew from a wallflower into a centerflower I picked up a few things along the way. You probably already know this but the person picking on you is in a lot of pain and yes misery loves company. I read back on some of my journals and I was depressed because I didn't know then that I had a choice or a voice. I just simply wanted to fit in and yet like you I was created to stand out. In junior high I wore a tie. Or leggings with bike shorts spandex, knee high boots, a blouse and red lips. It was in 9th grade that my love of style was being born. Prior to that year I wore NKOTB shirts everyday. A different one in support of the love I felt for the fab five men from Boston who awarded me with solace. Wait you were their favorite girl too? And cover girl? Well... My bully didn't like my shirts. She made sure she would point it out to me whenever possible. As one of the main cheerleaders in our junior high I can now conclude it may have been more like perhaps she didn't like that I was born like Gumby, flexible. While I never made the cheer leading squad, too shy then and not loue enough, I was the lead reindeer in the Christmas dance performance. Lead dork reindeer to her. I've reconnected with a lot of junior high and high school friends. Mostly pleasant experiences. Ceci email telling me how happy she was for me that I got out and did what I was saying I would since junior high was a comfort that I had indeed followed my heART. Inevitably my bully showed up as "someone you may know" on facebook. It was interesting but it made my stomach churn. Memories came rushing back of her insistance of trying to make me feel unworthy. I now know at thirty-five that she felt inadequate. Projected onto me. Something we all do at one point or another, project that is not bully. ;-) I remember getting to high school and not having a single friend. Not long after I won a pageant and all of the sudden walking into building B was accessible and yet I no longer wanted to. The first day of high school Desiree, whom I've known since elementary, looked at me admitting neither one of us had friends or a car so while trying to hide the fact that we had to walk, we did. She reminded me of this the other day when we chatted at her house in Austin. She has been a huge blessing in Austin and has not only help make this new beginning transition smoother but constantly lights the path. Some people come into your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime. The season people may come to water you and help you grow. The reason people may show up and dry you out to show you just how strong your roots are regardless of lack of showers of love. The lifetime people they water you, care for you in your drought, help you strengthen your roots and stand aside and let you bask in the sunlight when the time comes. The great thing about the lifetime people is they are willing to repeat this with you over and over as the seasons change. Till your lifetime people arrive find comfort in the perks of being a wallflower. Like me you may be blessed to witness so much you will understand that self care is the way to lifetime people and that your seed will turn into a flower if you plant your roots in love. Forgetting the teasing of the t-shirts or anything else that made them feel I held individuality. After all the greatest feeling and success for me comes in blooming into a flower like no other. A rare flower never seen. A wallflower that found its way to centerstage thanks in part to the people who not only made fun of my t-shirts but the girl who tried to beat me up because she thought I liked her boyfriend, or the girl that threatened me everyday in high school at my locker or the man who called me a bitch everytime he saw me. To them I say thank you for helping me find my voice, plant my roots in safe grounds and truly know what a gift it was to not be seen by you. On that path you taught me that I had to be my own hero, bask in my own light. May you find your heroism too. BE YOUR OWN KING ON YOUR OWN TERMS! ;-)

The sounds of my healing.

This past week I previewed the documentary with a few people. My friend Jennifer sent me such a beautiful raw email it compelled me to tell her all about the music that got me through the growth. I am no stranger to the ways in which God communicates with me. A timely song, a movie, the words of friend, and a perfect hike are all ways in which I can clearly hear someone I can't see communicate with me. So in 2011 when it all started to shift the moment I heard this song tears filled my eyes as I could see how God was asking me to do something we all do without a second thought. However now I would be required to work on it. To truly breathe so I could get through this. So I did just that and before I knew someone sang a song at a friend's brunch and there was God, my dad, Neil, grandpa and all my angels saying we got you. We will rescue you when you feel you need it and it's okay to feel like you need to be rescued. More than anything I felt God was telling me to let go of my superwoman complex. That everyone needs to be rescued once in a while. So I let go and allowed myself to be rescued in the words of a friend. With the seasons changing came the strength I thought I would never acquire again. It gave me the ability to pack up my place, put in storage and go home for Christmas and when I went back to Los Angeles I pounded the streets of Los Feliz with the song blaring in my ears as I took walks building up strength for what was coming. I had finally started to grow stronger. This strength that took me through four months of uncertainity in Los Angeles redirected me Austin and with it I made a drive across the states back to the place that had given me one of the greatest gifts, my art. Here I began to do what I had not been able to since Neil transitioned. I started to run again and loose myself in the beauty of town lake and I could clearly hear God telling me that I was indeed once again a strong fighter. As I struggled to keep up the good fight and not become a victim of the current circumstances and people's lack of self love being projected onto me I had to go somewhere I am not comfortable going. I had to get angry. The good kind of angry. The angry that allowed me to see that my chosen father was right with a boot pressed up against my neck I would not be able to do all of the above. That if 2011 had not made me a victim of circumstance than there was no way I would let the words of fear embodied by those I love and thrown my way on a daily basis to get the best part of me. They where not going to break my soul with their sticks and stones in form the form of fear. Knowing this led me to cross path with a man who did what no one had during this shift I and many people have been living in different forms. He looked me in the eye without an ounce of poor you and told me that I had allowed myself to become I victim and that with him I was there to push past the pain. He cuts me no slack and if he feels sorry for me doesn't show it. I needed that. The only way I could get to this place today and not be destroyed was by breathing, being rescued, growing stronger, keeping up the fight, and being ready to fight back and not let anyone or anything take the best part of me, my soul. Music is amazing! No words can truly capture my gratitude for how it always gently guides me into the light. This caterpillar will emerge on God's time when the season is right. In my heart I know the current man in my life is the final piece of the puzzle not so gently but necessarily guiding me back to myself and into the what next. I needed to be here just as I am to be able to understand and accept the crossing of my path with his. A minute to soon and I may have given up. I can clearly see how all my yesterdays where guiding me into today. May you find the meaning in your journey and the ability to...

As I prepare to rise...

I see clearly what is happening. I see how God is working, its magic, as usual, so that I can come out on the other side becoming more than I thought I could be. I kept hearing that I needed to sign up for something. There was a part of my life that had been unattended but I attributed to not having time, funds or whatever excuse I told myself to not face the fear of how weak this may prove me to be if I stepped into it. What has come up a lot and you will see in the documentary is, balance. I believe I strive to strike a balance between my spiritual side and my human being side. Sometimes as I have learned the balance gets thrown off and it takes the clear signs from God and the universe to show me that I need to even the scales to get me to the place I need to in order to work through whatever needs balance restored. This time it took some unexpected experiences and some inspiration from the most unlikely of places to focus on striking a balance. You may not picture me as a girl who would not only fall in love with Snow White and the Huntsmen but be also be inspired by it but I am. Any story that includes the light being born of the darkness is definitely for me. Not matter how long you try and hide the light up in a tower it will prevail. Or in a cell.So add the recent Batman to my inspiration. Elizabeth the Golden Age and even Katy Perry's documentary are also sources of inspiration to approach the beautifield of life after all I have been through. I never knew how powerful those words were till recently. It was in watching the leaves fall at zilker botanical gardens that I realized just how much re-telling the story had affected certain parts of my life. It became apparent how much I struggled to let go of 2011 and it wasn't till I crossed paths with a particular man that I realized I'd made myself a victim of it. Not in all ways of course as my documentary will showcase but in this particular way, which I will some day reveal and which he forms a part of. When he looked me in the eyes and said "okay so you let your _____ become a victim of it. Time to move on and push through the fears", I knew exactly what God was doing. I had felt a gut instinct recently that the rise is nearing and the signs confirmed it. Something that may only make sense to me but logically as we know by law of gravity what goes down must come up. What I know goes beyond logic. It was in watching a rough cut of my doc that I saw so clearly what I could not process as well when I lived it as I can now. The darkness as I call it, had shown up repeatedly to test me as I already knew. That is why each time no matter how defeated I may have felt or allowed my spirit to feel I got up. What I wasn't making then is a connection I can clearly see now. In order to be ready to move forward I must be ready and do what is asked of me. This time I must connect mind, body and spirit. One of which had been left out for quite a while. If I want to take flight as high as I am being asked to I must train. I can't just expect to get up and take such altitudes without preparation. So when he yells at me "Don't stop Adriana. I don't care if you have to pace yourself but don't ever stop." I can clearly connect it all. I also know that if I stopped and fell he'd be the first to catch me, which is why I secretly smile when he says, "Good I expected you to puke. Puke on them and move on. Don't stop. You are here to push past the pain. You are not a victim." I smile because I clearly see the light and hear God. So from fear I am rising. I am growing in a new direction while a connection is being made. I am rising from all I have lost to all I am have been and will continue to gain due to the loss and space created. As I ask myself "who I am living for/", I know the answer is you, me and the human spirit. Now I get that my body nor my mind will keep me from being ready for the flight. As my chosen father reminds me, retreat mija yes but only to come back stronger, and so the preparation continues.