The gifts of a broken dream!

There are so many words that could express what I feel when I look at him but endless gratitude would best describe it. Gratitude for all that the city of lost souls gifted me for sixteen years and especially the last two that were the ones that redirected my path so that on November 20,2013 I could hold my biggest dream come to life in my arms, my son Austin Enrique.

I was telling Travis the other day that I still can't believe this is my life! I remember so vividly no longer wanting to ask for help from anyone, shivering in bed from anxiety in my 200 square foot apartment in Los Angeles after loosing what seemed like everything at the time and finally saying to God that while it all wasn't clear as to why, I wouldn't question God's will anymore and simply move to Austin, Texas where I felt the signs were re-directing me. Signs like the Texas license plates I kept seeing everywhere in Los Angeles, signs like being at callbacks and not booking the jobs, and signs like simply not being able to secure work and financial stability. A few months prior, in a matter of a month I was let go the day before wardrobe from a Honda commercial I had been cast in as the lead, lost my apartment of eleven years and due to creative differences walked away from what would have been my first feature length film production. At the time it all seemed too much as these were the gifts of my thirty-fifth birthday, which happened that same month and day after being let go and replaced on the commercial shoot.

I always say God has a reason that sometimes, in my case most times, is not seen in the moment. It is slowly revealed to me as I journey through life growing in many characteristics like faith and strength. Lost is what I felt the most when I arrived in Austin. Desperately trying to find solid ground only to have some of my family members shake my ground with their constant fears and doubts. What was I doing here? What would I do? Couldn't I just take a job at Starbucks? I mean after all they have benefits. I struggled to stay head above water but I did and as I swam in the tides of my new life the currents carried me in the direction of my best friend, Travis. The other day I told him how grateful I was for that night in LA when anxiety consumed me and took me to the point it did because it drove me to him. Literally! I got up, told Bev about my choice, packed my bags, called the movers, got in my car with Areli and drove to Texas without looking back but simply looking forward to a new beginning.

I could have never imagined what would be bestowed upon me back in my home state. Recently I was listening to a song and it spoke about broken dreams. All that came to mind for me was that to me a dream truly isn't broken unless I am not open to the possibility of my dream exceeding what I originally dreamt and it becoming a different, much more rewarding fruition. This can only happen if my heart is open so my eyes can see. See what you ask? Signs that lead me in my life and create along with my choices, extraordinary circumstances and take what some may see as a broken dream and create a new more magical dream. What I believe is a dream only becomes a broken dream if you weren't open to the original dream being exceeded and taking you to different more beautiful direction than you originally planned. A closed mind can create a broken dream. But an open mind can create a magical dream. I'm staring into his eyes right now and he sees me doing this and smiles. All ten months of his existence look at me with an adoring love! His huge smile proving to me that an open mind created this magical dream of a life I lead now!

It hasn't been easy and while I am madly in love with being a mom I have like any mom suffered anxiety, felt overwhelmed, and longed for sleep. Often wondered if I would ever sleep again but any of those fears and thoughts are made so much easier when I think of what I created thanks to a "broken dream". A life, a boy sent here through me and his dad to be Austin Enrique McGehee. So thank God for the courage to let go, to be redirected, to know and trust that like it had before, the pain that broke me was letting in the very light that made me shine again and gave me strength to become a mother. The hardest job in the world and yet the best!! I thought I had accomplished all my dreams and even exceeded what I had dreamt but as usual God had more, much more than I could ever imagine. He is the sweetest most loving soul. His smile, his dad's, is contagiuous and his wonder infectious.

It is beyond a delight to see him discover the world. You should see the way he stares at his hands as he finally acquires control. Or the way he proudly props up what was considered by his pediatrician, a head that is too big. Be it so he is a magical soul discovering this world and we are his guides. He is greatest, most profound teacher as every day he challenges us to stay in the moment and be present to the miracle that he and life are and to try as best as we can to love the now. I can honestly say that I have been tested the most as I have wanted nothing more than to protect him at all cost. I've surrendered to God after drowning in fear and trying to take my fiance with me. His fragile being provided me with a fragile mindset and yet when I watched him thrive in the NICU at one week old I realized exactly what a resilient soul I was being blessed with.

So as we continue our journey I admit to many a faults that becoming his mother have brought out in me and yet every step of the way there has been a beacon of light in the form of an earthbound angel. It begins with his co creator and dad Travis to Ruth Py. I would like to leave this blog expressing gratitude for all who have helped along the way of this incredible broken dream. ;-) Ondrea for all the clothes, my mom and Travis' mom for all the unsolicited advice, which was ultimately in my son's best interest, everyone who came to the baby shower, everyone who wished us well everywhere this crazy blessing called the internet allowed them to and anyone who I am forgetting the best part is God knows what you did. If there was one wish from me to you is to help make your journey easier as you transition to mom so you can LIVE in the blessing of what a gift it is to become one. So here are some of those angels in many forms that made this uncharted territory oh so much easier. Please allow yourself the time to get lost on these sites and I ask you to do what I felt I failed at this time but won't next time. Ask for help because it truly takes a village! May your broken dream gift you the life of your dreams!

Austin's only all natural baby store and where I discovered how to treat my son's colic naturally! https://www.facebook.com/TheNaturalBabyCompanyAustinTX?fref=ts

The BEST doula in the world! ;) She guided us as we put our son on a raw milk formula, best decision ever!  http://www.doularuth.com

HERE'S TO BROKEN DREAMS! THANK YOU LOS ANGELES FOR BREAKING ME OPEN AND SHINING THE LIGHT THAT GUIDED ME TO MY FAMILY!!! Merci Los Angeles, for being the angel that lead me HOME!

The art and cost of bearing fruit by following the signs.

I just got back from checking on my two boys. My two favorite boys that is. It is still so beautifully surreal to be able to say that. I had gotten to a point in my life last year were I had decided to accept what was and not what I wished was. I decided that if God's will was for me to not bear children and create a family of my own that would mean he had a bigger plan, yet I always knew if it didn't happen I would have to let go of my biggest, longest running dream. Perhaps it was that surrendering that caused the after affect. After all I believe surrendering our will to our higher power, God or whatever you believe in creates miracles, which is how this miracle of a life I now lead came to be. I would hate to ever give the impression that something is easy so how I came to bear fruit is always on my mind. You see two years ago on the eve of my thirty-fifth birthday I lost it "all", so I thought. Home, commercial gig and Bearing Fruit rights, which was to be my first feature length film. Little did I know then what letting go of life as I knew it would produce. At that time while I always wanted a family I also very much was a woman married to my career. I lived in a city that encouraged that more than anything. A city that I can see clearly now encouraged a lot of things, most of which have nothing to do with my being and a lot which made me who I am today so I am GRATEFUL for the sixteen years spent there. In that city I believe families are not one of its top promoted gifts of life and existence so God detoured my path with a lot of signs and pushing me off a cliff so I could land firmly where I have today. It's been almost two weeks since what some refer to as a bundle of joy has been with us. Everytime I stare at Austin, named after the city that changed my life and made it more magical than I thought possible, I see God's magic. The city I came from saw magic in the accolades of an industry that honored things I have come to realize now are amazing and beautiful but don't quiet compare to the magic I live now and am honored to be able to. Once upon a time my joy came from producing my work, walking red carpets, winning a car and lets face it posting one too many pics of myself and my accomplishments bordering between promotion of my art and narssasistic behavior promoted and encouraged by my work. Work that I still love but that in my view of the world I have come to understand is second to what I do now. I change poopy diapers, feed Austin every three hours and make sure he survives and thrives. Something he has been doing since he was in my womb as I was sick with hyperemesis and in the ER during and after pregnancy more than I'd like to have been. How I describe what I live for doing now is how the world sees it, but what I have come to learn quickly is that what I am doing is molding a life to help him become who he came to be. Perhaps my toughest challenge in life, to surrender what I want for him and allow him to be, flourish and grow as he is meant to. I am simply his guide. Simply yet last week I learned the IMPORTANCE of that simplicity when we spent Thanksgiving and my birthday in the Newborn Intensive Care Unit due to dehydration something his mom knows a lot about as I spent some time in ER for the same thing. However he is new to this world and there was nothing more terrifying than watching him hooked up to the iv and in a warmer while constant tests were being done to eliminate everything. It was then I realized how big my job is everyday, how much it will grow each day and how in love I am with this little man who will one day become a human being, man who I pray has come to make a difference. I would whisper in his ear how everyone was there to make him better and although I felt they went in the direction of testing for too much I surrendered accepting it be best to look everywhere and find nothing than to look in one spot and miss something. I assured him all were angels there to help get better and held tightly to my faith as what I have come to understand is the most important thing in life was at risk. There is a cost to bearing anything in life and I have lived a very very magical life which has allowed me to manifest many beautiful things but trust me when I am asked to proceed into the next lifetime I am certain all the awards or car I won will hold no value. What will matter is how I helped this young man become who he was meant to. How by doing all those daily tasks of being just a mom as some say I helped him become what his dad and I hope for him everyday, brave. Brave to be, brave to smile, brave to try new things, brave to have hope, faith and strength and brave, oh so brave to love himself just as he is. Austin I want you to know your dad and I have a love like no other and none I've ever known. Due to that we created you in absolute love, consciously and with great hopes that you would come into our lives. He is a kind, caring. loving, patient, ridiculously talented man who you are lucky and blessed to call dad, sweet angel. Mommy did good but then again mommy would be a fool to not acknowledge the help of a man from the next lifetime who couldn't care for me in this lifetime so he crossed my path with your dad and gifted me you. I followed the signs, I bore fruit and now the McGehee's will face a lifetime of Bravery with a young man whose love we can not wait to see grow. And by all means dance, dear boy, dance! Life is beautiful music and you are the choreographer of it! Austin we want to see you be brave!!! The choice is always YOURS!! By the way that was AMAZING bravery in the hospital last week. We learned from you what we needed to do. You are already so BRAVE!

Surrendering to the miracle evolving within me.

I wish I could say I have been a very cool, calm and collected pregnant woman putting all my trust in God and the universe for the miracle evolving within me but I can not claim such a thing as one thing I am not is a liar. In all honesty this pregnancy has been hard. It started with the sickness, hyperemesis, which sent me to the ER several times in the first trimester and got out of control from there. Trusting the process became my constant challenge because after all this was one process that needed very little of my assistance. More God and less Adri but I wanted it to be more Adri as it would allow me to ensure my son's health and well being. So my mind would trick me into believing something so far from the truth. It's almost as if I turned to God and said "I see all you created around me. AMAZING! But I got this one." HA! Thank God for its unconditional love! I seriously do not know how I did not drive everyone from Travis to Ginny to my family nuts with my constant doubt and worry. But let's face it you and I are here because this process sometimes referred to as a bun in the oven in simple terms, has been taking place without my assistance since the beginning of time and it wasn't until I truly accepted that, that change began to take place within me. I wish I could say I have so enjoyed this pregnancy but between my ER stays and my constant worry that anything I eat or do can harm Austin I have unconsciously made this experience not enjoyable. It wasn't until I truly surrendered to the life evolving within me, about a month ago, that joy began to seep in. It was about the same time that I took my doctor's advise and stopped obsessing over the information all the prenatal and parenting sites offer. It's like she told me, "You can do this without me. I am just here to make sure that if we run into a problem I can help." Like she has already done so with the hyperemesis, all the side effects the medicine produces and most of all how she has helped simply by listening to this neurotic first time mom. Once I let her words sink in I began to truly surrender. It also happened to be around the time when Austin began to grow and his body pressed against me more allowing me the privilege of feeling his development within me. This was followed by the realization that this tiny blinking light I saw at six weeks had become a full blown being. A being that yes of course I had something to do with, conception, but a being who while mom was unable to keep even water down, thrived. A being who now allows me the privilege of playing with him often and especially in the morning. Mommy and Austin time consists of me playing music and him kicking, moving perhaps even dancing to let me know he is in tune with me. That is a privileged moment my escape, okay almost escape of my neurotic first time mom syndrome, has gifted me. Surrendering to God and the universe and allowing them control has gifted me my joy back. Not that they weren't in control all along, it's just that it took my mind a while to adjust to the biggest miracle of all, existence within me and accept I am not in charge I only house him till its time for him to join us. Words truly can't do justice to what I feel when I tell him I love him and he responds or when I press my tummy twice and he responds twice. Wish I could say he kicks twice, but based on his sonogram positions he could be butt bunting me twice. It truly is an honor to and a privilege to be Austin's home till he arrives on our current home, planet Earth. It hasn't been easy but it has been a great teacher. One constantly reminding me through the words of others and the signs that we are in this together. That he loves me as much as I love him and that we are blessed to be creating this family and bond with Travis. His father and my love, a bird whose wings have rescued me. A rescue that is a continuation of one that began a few years back when all seemed lost and dark. One that took a lot of healers and one particular song to light the path so I could endure the detour and get to my boys. I am in awe and in debted to many and eternally grateful that the once difficult breath I took which was due to sadness and pain is now replaced by a difficult breath I take due to the weight of the miracle evolving within me. Once upon a time I reached for the phone, I reached for my friends and because I did I was rescued by my destiny. "All I have SEEN teaches me to trust the creator for all I HAVE NOT seen!" RW Emerson I can not wait to look into your eyes sweet boy and like I tell you all the time, MOMMY LOVES YOU but until then I see you, I know you, I love you because I AM YOU!

Expecting the unexpected.

For the past few years and prior to moving to Austin life began to lead me down a detoured path where the unexpected became my life. All these things that happened at once were preparing me for a life I could never have imagined. I always felt more at home in Texas than California but after sixteen years as a California girl God knew it would take drastic measures to help me take that leap of faith and jump in an Entirely New Direction putting an END to what was so what is could arrive. So in a matter of months I lost my home, commercial job, film project of two years and my birth father and a dear friend. Somethings are life cycles ending and others are kicks in the butt asking me to listen to the whispers of the universe whose winds desired I find a new direction in them. I was blown down so all could be rebuilt in a city that now holds more meaning than I ever dreamt. Until I met Travis, my fiance, I have known very few men of character and certainly none like him with an ability to show up to every scenario thrown his way with an open heart, choosing to be present and face the circumstance. I am the daughter of a con artist so all I had known were packed bags by a front door ready to make their way out leaving everything behind including young innocent lives as unwilling victims to his choices. I dove into therapy and spent a lot of years there trying to heal the baggage left behind with the exiting of the suitcases by the front door. I had a pattern as most humans tend to develop overtime, conscious or unconscious. I was an independent woman who could handle it all. I made sure I was self sufficient so I did not need to rely on anyone. After all at an early age, he left when I was seven, I learned not to rely on men. This pattern would not allow anyone in the way it did until now because as usual things, in my view of the world, are always on God's time. That gravity pull and those winds that were blowing me in a different direction I whole heartily believe were my two boys wanting to meet their destiny. In all my years of desiring a family, a solid foundation to call home, I never really saw more than the eyes of a girl. Perhaps in her I hoped I could heal by giving her a father unlike the one I had. What I could have never imagined was that Austin would bring me one of the biggest gifts of my life. An opportunity to guide a man of honor, character and his own beauty. When Travis, my mom, step dad and I made our way to my doctor's office this week after a long patient five months, I was filled with impatience. By the time I made my way into the sonogram room and I was told gender reveal test would be last and then asked if I wanted it then. I said, "YES!" I couldn't wait another minute to see who exactly Travis and I had consciously created and were preparing to welcome into this world. When it was revealed there was definitely no doubt in my mind, it was a boy. Like the sonogram tech said "your baby is not shy". The eyes of the girl were gone and in an instant became the eyes of a boy. One boy had already changed my life and now another was sent to do the same. After all I have lived it would be very silly of me not to know that everything has a reason. No matter what the transition from what I thought was to what is brings. As I sat across from my mom in my home I told her what my heart felt. How never having known a man of honor or character to raise me had led me here. To not just one who held my hand by my side but now together we would help guide a man of honor and character. While fear can creep in revealing itself in the memories of the past I know what was gave way to what is and this is a new soul I have been gifted the privilege of guiding. My two boys! God had a plan that one day all I had lived would give way to a life where understanding would allow me to embrace what a gift it is to bring a man into the world. Her eyes aren't gone but when her dad and I are in the next lifetime I have a feeling this young man whose name belongs to the city that gave me the greatest destiny, Austin, will be watching over Patience. This I know because it's all in the eyes of my boys. A new day has come and with it came the most magical unexpected! A new life begins, literally. ;-) And perhaps just perhaps all this is a gift from a man in another realm who always knew who he couldn't be.

Surrendering to the creation of life.

It is hard to believe it has been over a year since I moved to Austin. On April 30th I thought a lot about the journey I began last year on that day. How after sixteen years in LA life was clearly detouring me and asking me to follow the path of change, drastic change. I obliged for many reasons, which the signs blatantly exposed. Signs only I could decipher and comprehend. The move was easier than the change. While I embraced the change the city brought, leaving my family of sixteen years proved challenging. Add to it that while the entertainment industry is growing in Austin it is obviously no where near the market LA is and a lot changed. I struggled to find my ground with work and friends. Some family members weren't very supportive therefore they didn't make my transition as smooth as I had hoped. At some point last summer I remember thinking, if you want me to go back send me a sign and if love and children aren't in my journey this time around I'll comprehend. In some ways I felt defeated because the support system, chosen family, I had in LA was not here. The sign never came. Instead signs to stay put did and before I knew it my path crossed with a man who would change my destiny forever. As many know Travis is now my fiancé. He is my biggest supporter, cheerleader and best friend. My companion into the next lifetime so it should come as no surprise that I share everything with him. A few months back I began telling him how I could no longer run three miles, heck I could barely make it to half of one. I was also concerned with the fact that I had little energy and was falling asleep around 8pm and that was when it all started to come together. I was in pre-production for the biggest production of my life, unbeknownst to me, yet my body was trying to tell me. Shortly after we found out the AMAZING news! As I had bid farewell to two lives in the past two years, including my birth father, new life was inside of me. I couldn't believe the magical miracle that was unfolding. I was ecstatic as is Travis. I shared with few people and made my bridesmaid/friend Ginny my confidant as she had just had her baby girl in October. We spoke often, I signed up for the newsletters and secretly began the biggest journey of surrender I have ever embarked on. Something Ginny had also warned me about, surrendering. While I was tired I didn't experience other symptoms and I thought I was home free. This wasn't as hard as it seemed until my sixth week that is when true surrendering began. Ginny kept me going in the stage where the newness of it all seemed daunting. Always my cheerleader reminding me that all I the pain I was enduring meant the pregnancy was taking well to my body. The nausea kicked in as did the vomiting. It got so bad I ended up in the hospital where I was diagnosed with hypermesis, severe morning sickness, which is what Duchess Kate had as well and only one percent of pregnant women get. Therefore I've had more appointments than a normal pregnancy and began to see our baby from very early on. It is hard to put into words what I felt when I saw that flickering light, our baby's heartbeat. I've understood from day one that a miracle is unfolding inside me but to see it with my own eyes is something inexplicable. I won't lie or sugarcoat things. I've been in pain, a lot. I've cried a lot and I've spent the past six weeks alternating between the couch and bed. It has been surrendering in ways I never knew I was capable of and I've struggled. My body was no longer at my command. Where it would be, how much it could eat and when it could move was now dictated by the life inside of me. I didn't move or eat much at all and definitely didn't go many places at all in the first trimester but it was just as it was meant to be. Just as I surrendered to what was I got to see Travis be the loving man I know him to be and then some! Following me to the bathroom and holding back my hair as I threw up, making soup for me as I lay unable to move, shopping for my food, taking me to the hospital, holding me while I cried and most of all telling how much he honored what I was doing. Looking into his eyes shows me that everything I lived through to get here was just as God and the universe wanted it. I had a destiny to get to and the two year bumpy road and detours it took to get here was so worth it! I can only begin to imagine what I'll feel when I look into our baby's eyes. A part of me can't help but think Neil, my birth father, grandfather and some more angels had something to do with this perfectly timed miracle that resides in me. These days I am feeling a little better. Hopefully now you can comprehend and forgive why emails and phone calls have been un returned. I even had to stop volunteer teaching at the foster home but I'm coming around and taking it one day at a time. It's hard to put into words what I feel but I do know that nothing had been in vain, there IS always a plan and everyday I thank my lucky stars that I was gifted the faith and courage to say goodbye to the life I had so I could live my way into the life that was waiting for me. I am blessed and humbled by the magnificent new beginning God, my angels and the universe were writing and continue to write for me. A new journey in an entirely new direction begins and I am honored to add mom to my resume and surrender to the journey that is creating life! I've learned that with Patience everything is possible and a new day has come! "Where it was dark now there is light! Where there was pain now there is joy. Where there was weakness I found my strength all in the eyes of a boy. Hush now I see the LIGHT in the sky, it's almost blinding me. I can't believe I've been touched by angel with love." I used to play this song a lot when I first got to Austin. In it's lyrics I found tremendous solace and now, well now I finally made my way home and it all has become so clear! To you baby McGehee all I can say is Patience brought you to us and we can't wait to meet you!!!

The Art of Knowing.

I have come to know many things in life simply by not knowing or knowing exactly what I didn't want. Once upon a time I too fell into the trappings of being a cynic due to the cards I was dealt in matters of the heart. Today I am grateful for all those cards that once made a cynic of me as they led me to the man I will, before this year ends, call my husband. Two years ago this exact month I was dealing with the passing of my father, which followed the passing of Neil. A series of events unfolded that same year that led me to pack up my belongings and after sixteen years in Los Angeles head back home to Texas. While I do have family here my urge to move was something bigger. Yes I would be closer to my siblings and mom and step dad but I knew this urge to pack up and leave the past behind went beyond that. Truth be told two girl friends of mine insisted the one was awaiting me in Texas. Ginny was actually in Austin when she found out I was moving and told me she knew it was where I was meant to be. I have known many kinds of love. Lust masked as love, love that lacks reciprocation, love blinded by beauty, love that strives to change someone and unconditional love. Unconditional love I have learned about in recent years. It was through knowing all the other loves that I was able to understand unconditional love and conclude that was what I yearned for and most of all deserve. I believe we all do. Knowing what I do not want in many areas of my life by experiencing it allows me to come to know what I do want. It has been said by some these past few days, that our love is too soon, among other words I choose to not entertain or repeat. What I do choose to entertain is the knowledge that having my best friend cross paths with me and propose to me has brought. Travis is my best friend so he knows everything. From Thomas to Cotter he knows of their impact in my life to the ways they helped me navigate the darkened path I was on, led me towards the light and let me go when necessary so my path could come to cross with his. We hide nothing from each other and because we became friends first and then the obvious came to light, we have that strong bond of two people wanting the best for the other. I have known untimely love more than any other so I have had many broken promises. A life filling a heart with some days made for some bitter years but I never lost hope. So when I arrived in Texas with minimal baggage and once I got past the notion that I could loose a friend, a door to the love of my lives opened. I have a very strong faith but it has actually been Travis, whose strong belief in a love beyond this existence, has led me to believe I will love him into the next life. There is no one else I want to see smiling at me when I depart my body and arrive wherever we go than him. I believe heaven you can believe what your heart tells you. It was his smile that caught my eye when we first met and I hired him to work on my film Road Trip with the Devil. Working side by side with someone in a forty eight hour film competition will show you many things. I still adore his enthusiasm, work ethic and insane talent! He can write, edit, do graphic design, has engineered major record albums you have probably listened to and danced in the film Step Up. But I can honestly say that while our upbringing and chosen profession does make our bond strong its our communication in every aspect of our relationship that keeps us going. He knows that I thought Cotter was a soulmate, then Thomas and that I almost married a way too different, way too old man I loved when I was twenty-two. He knows my dreams, my losses and while I am working my way back to my heART is there everyday to hear me out when seeing my heART come to life again feels so distant. When I look into his eyes I see how safe he wants to keep me, how much he loves US, and how genuine his love is. I see a man I may have crossed paths with a thousand years ago and a man I want to love for the next thousand years into the next lifetime. I refuse to explain to anyone our love or defend it but I will gladly share my story in hopes that you too can believe in magical, perfectly timed love. Love is not torturous, unrequited, hard, blind, hurtful, keeping score, or competitive. Love is a flow, a friendship, respect and most of all acceptance of who the person when you meet them not who you hope to make them. Not having this in my life in all of my past relationships led me to know exactly what I wanted and most of all allowed me to receive and give the abundant love Travis and I share. You don't have to date someone for a year or ten to know, you simply just do know when you know and I know that I have a friend and lover who sees me, loves me just as I am and who will most definitely love me into the next life time. May a life of not knowing gift you a life of knowing the love you deserve. "Take me now. The world's such a crazy place. When the walls come down you'll know I'm here to stay. There's nothing I would change. Knowing that together everything that's in our way. We're better than alright."

The Art of Losing.

Losing is defined as to come or be without. Since last night I have been hearing sorry for the loss, which got me thinking. Loss. To me that is a very deep, strong word and a loss to me is not being able to call Neil or not being able to someday see my birth father face to face like I had hoped. People seizing to exist in human form is a loss. Not winning an award is truly not a loss. If you were me and knew the journey I endured to make it to the 48 hour film competition, then perhaps like me you may conclude I won big time. I decided to take on the challenge after a meeting with the film commissioner. At the time I thought what a great way to get to know the local talent in front of and behind the scenes. I truly had no idea what to expect as I had never done anything like it. I can honestly say I was catapulted into growth. By the time November 30th rolled around I had my cast and crew as well as a concept that had come to me while running town lake. My work always had to deliver a message or it's not worth it to me and what had surfaced while running and was asking for an outlet was definitely worth exploring. It never dawned on me that I could get anything but drama. Part of the challenge was drawing elements from a bowl the night competition commenced that had to be in your film. So when I drew comedy you should have seen my face. It was as Mike, our photographer called it, shock. How could I deliver a message in comedy? The urban/big city I could do but comedy? Travis, my co-writer/editor/confidant and god sent angel and I sat down and got to work. From 7 pm or so till midnight we wrote, scouted locations, gave call times and came up with a dark comedy in part thanks to creative consultant Eric Schwartz aka Smooth-e. My concept did not get thrown out and in a mere few hours I grew as an actor knowing I would have to go somewhere I had never gone before as Veronica. We came up with a dark comedy about choosing what voices we adhere to in life. Veronica would react to the voices, who showed up in physical form, on her road trip through the streets of life, as perhaps some wish they could but never do. Or perhaps some have. I would have to be mean in a funny way and that itself was a win for me. The opportunity to deliver a message in a different way. It was to say the least, challenging but most of all fun! I had not had so much fun on a set in a long time. Blame in on the big Texas skies, the friendly cast and crew and their willingness to go wherever I took them through my vision and the over all ambiance but I knew on set I had a winner. It didn't matter if the judges saw one or not for I saw all the wins already. Guess who the actors were. Yes, the actors were from our Bearing Fruit auditions and in that I saw magic and a win. Timing as usual was everything and when all the elements aligned we finally worked together. The thought of that alone makes me smile. Thinking back on a year ago and how I had to let them all know I opted out of film option terms so I would no longer produce it. How it broke my heart but how standing up for my production and myself and not handing creative control over or sharing it under certain terms given made my decision easy and yet a loss of all the people I had put together. Yet here we were on God's time making magic. I've worked on a lot of sets from the small like mine, to the million dollar Dodge campaign were I met my northern star and yet I have never experienced a crew and actors like this. All of my experiences have something but this one, this one was magical. Perfectly timed and because of its magic two films were born. I trusted them so much I knew we could also do a drama version which would more clearly deliver the message that while the darkness can seem prominent it is indeed up to us to choose the light. To carry and heed to the voice that supports us. I don't consider this 48 hour journey's inability to produce a first, second, third place award a loss. I consider the timing of crossing paths with David Harper, Martha Prentiss, Chloe Kissner, Marco Martinez, Erika Martinez, Stephanie Kissner, Jerry Henderson, Lauren Pruitt, Roseann Garcia, DJ Veliz, Raymond Daniel, Melo, Mike Rushton and especially Travis McGehee a win if I have ever known one. I consider watching a female DP, Lauren, lead a crew with such grace and patience, a win if I ever saw one. I tried to hire as many women as possible before to support women in film, but talent must come first, and it hadn't worked out. Then here in Texas on its own and through the flow of the universe and guidance of God it did, and with it came a female AC. I could sit here and go on forever on wins. I did a retro film in the 60's, which I LOVE. I wrote a comedy. I wrote a comedy. Me? Queen of all things serious. Yes it was a dramedy but it was comedy. ;-) I proved to myself that what did not kill me did indeed make me stronger and that in a year I went from crying in my mom's home in Texas as I moved out of my LA apartment and came home for Christmas to coming to her home, filling it up with equipment, food, props, wardrobe etc. to make a film, almost a year later. In the room I slept in while I shot in San Antonio a few weeks ago, I had cried a year before while shooting my documentary. Questioning where it was all leading. Trying to stay positive while loosing my apartment, my commercial and film in one month. The same year my agent dropped me two months after my birth father passed, and he passed three months after Neil. I questioned how I would possibly get up and gather strength to move even saying to God during an extremely non-stop turbulent flight to Texas, "I'm really tired God, if you want to put me to sleep eternally, I'm so okay with that right now." I was accepting a will I thought would be his as the stewardess were asked to take their seats. I thought an end to the pain of true loss was coming. So I closed my eyes and leaned back and accepted what I thought was God's will. As I write that I can't believe where walking on faith took me and I am grateful I was wrong about God's will. Had I not chosen to hold on hope and stay in faith I would have stopped adhering to my belief that all is always as it should be and in my best interest for my growth as a spirit in a physical world. I would not have met the beauty of nature on town lake. I wouldn't have crossed paths with Desiree again. I would have not helped my mom set up her new shop and organize my sister's flower shop. Most of all I would not have taken a Road Trip with the Devil and lived to tell you about it. I would have not been able to follow my Northern Star and in the end believe in me like it did. I wouldn't have followed its light. Pink light. ;-) This will all make sense after the drama version sees the light in 2013. This was what was born in the film competition. So as I come down from the high of it all I see win after win after win and I do not need a panel of JUDGES to tell me if I'm a winner in life or not. The thing about life is that if we wait for others to validate us or our work we take from the journey that led us there. That's where it is at for me. No one, beside God and the universe, is ever going to know the depth of my journey and what it takes to make the impossible, possible. Which is why the constantly reward me by crossing my path with amazing I mean amazing souls! My friend Carlos worked diligently, while on tour in Europe, to get his friends Kristian and Shawn to donate music to my film. Indeed as Shawn sings below it's a beautiful life. One that allowed me to discover him and Kristian and many other talented souls willing to work as a team to make a dream come true. I am a blessed "looser", don't you think? May your journey allow you to see what a winner you are simply by having the desire to dream the impossible dream. Anything after that is icing on the cake. Oh and just in case your wondering, yes I would have liked to win the actual award but I'm grateful my journey for now is about knowing how win in other ways. This young man is our soundtrack to Road Trip with the Devil. His soulful voice will help deliver the message and if its not clear to me now than it never will be, all is as it should be. To hear more of Shawn visit www.shawnpander.com and to see where all this is headed, stayed tuned to the road trip.