It was in watching Amelie again last night for the first time in a long time that I realized while my friend Jerry paid me a HUGE compliment when he said I reminded him of the character in the film, that I saw I was like her in too many ways and realized I had fallen into an old pattern. Just like Amelie I am terrified of opening my heart to love because I've been handed it back broken one too many times. But when her old fragile neighbor explains to her that he has a broken bone condition that doesn't allow him to be knocked down by life so he can't afford to he is metamorphically telling her to go for it. Why have a beating heart full of love and not use it?! It hit me like a ton of bricks. Like anyone else afraid to hurt again, especially after the most recent situation were due to its abrupt end I am left to wonder due to some of his behavior if he is more Jesse James than my ally, that I hide behind Zoey, my friends, and my wonderful beautiful blessed life.
I was left thinking when the film was done what good does it do me to affirm constantly that 2010 is the year of love when I am sitting at home closed off to the world busy putting all my energy into Zoey, non-profits I work with, a family situation- this I do have to help with or I'd be heartless, ;-) and my next project. All these are great excuses to reply when people ask me about love, "I'm fine I love my independence. The universe will conspire when it's meant to." Which by the way is not a lie. Ask my ex. He couldn't take that I didn't want to be with him everyday and I couldn't take not having time alone. I also believe the universe will conspire when the time is right. However I also know the universe can't conspire without my help. That is the main ingredient in manifesting the life you desire and deserve which consists of believing in it, being open to it, and working towards it. Somedays I feel like so many things aren't right just yet. Like I have somethings I have to take care of on my own in order to be able to give the love I believe any man in a relationship with me deserves. So while I see how I am hiding behind some things I also see that timing is everything and its just not time yet.
For starters I have to get over the fact that until my ex every man prior to him had been well a bit of a Jesse James. It's frightening to type that and see it not only because of the fear of infidelity but because I have to admit while my ex wasn't the man for me he did manage to have a beautiful quality which was that I came before anything else in his eyes. In this era of Tiger and Jesse it's frightening to open your heart. I am in an industry where for some reason people trick themselves into believing that morals and values don't apply to them. I was telling my sister the other day that all the times I've been propositioned by someone in a relationship my immediate answer was NO! It wasn't even something I had to think about. Even when someone I was deeply in love with confessed their feelings to me and asked me what to do I told him to walk away. I just don't see why you would ever want to do something that you would never want someone to do to you. I know it's far more complicated than that and things aren't black and white in some scenarios but I can honestly say I've never had an affair because it's not who I am. While I am human and struggled tremendously with the man I loved his girlfriend always came first and I always reminded him she existed and because of that I believe they are now married, even though the opposite has been interpreted. The truth after all is subjective. It's not in me to cheat but the possibility of others doing it to me has shut me off from the world. I had to admit to myself last night that I had fallen back into a pattern and fear was winning out.
I am grateful for awareness because it allows me to see what I am doing to prevent myself from living the life I deserve. Now that I see it clearly I can spread the love beyond Zoey, family, friends, non-profits, etc. I can take a risk when it feels right. I can trust that while I have encountered a lot of men who seem to want more than what feels right to me it doesn't mean every man is like that. I am realizing yet again that if I open my heart I will see that LOVE truly is all around me. While I believe it is time for me to manifest a beautiful one on one relationship with a man with a beautiful soul that doesn't mean I don't already see all the love that surrounds me and its plenty!!!
It's in walking my journey with complete awareness of my choices that I am able to see a love like no other. One that expects nothing in return and walks away with the feeling it derives from knowing it gave without expecting. That is the kind of love you know from doing for another. One intensified when doing for a complete stranger. While I have spent the last few months working with UNICEF I am not the only one doing for others without expectation. I happen to know some lovely ladies who are also contributing to others without expecting anything other than the well being of those they are working for. My friend Shari has a great site she put up just to help you, yes you, feel the love wherever you may be in this beautiful planet. You can't visit Sharing with Shari
and not feel the love so get over there and start feeling it.
This past weekend I finally attended my friend Alicia's fundraiser. Her fundraiser allows you to do for others while doing for yourself. What is it? Yoga with a cause. Take care of that hard working body of yours while you care for another. Both things well deserved. Alicia and I met online and realized pretty quickly that we were of like minds. Her work speaks to me on many levels. For starters it's for my country of origin Mexico and for children in an orphanage. Two of my nephews are adopted and I know first hand the importance of bringing a child who needs love into your life. While I haven't adopted Zoey I ponder it more and more everyday. It will be interesting to see how it unfolds but I don't need papers to tell me what I already know. I've learned that the term mother can be redefined. My life has shown me that. What it has also shown me is that children long to be cared for and loved!
While I expected Zoey to get mad at me when I set up rules, like clean your room or no more movies on the weekends and no more shopping until we give some stuff away or I'm coming to your school to see why your grades dropped so drastically in one report card letting her know that every action has a consequence and those consequences won't hurt me or her step dad but only her, she actually thanked me for loving her so much. Honestly it was not what I was expecting. I was expecting a roll of the eyes and storming off. This further proves that Alicia's work is crucial. Children need love and care. Not that it wasn't obvious before but caring for them is love. Even if you can't be there to mentor a life you can care in other ways. The orphanage is in desperate need of sponsors. One hundred and sixty dollars a month can change a life! You can read about sponsoring a child here, Tashirat Kids Orphanage
and can email Alicia at aliciagentz@mac.com with any questions.
So you see if we open our hearts we will find that love is all around no doubt. While I make my way through my doubts on the kind of love that will inspire me to create life with someone I have plenty of love to fall in love with. ;-) Carl Jung was very wise when he said that "Your vision will be clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks within, awakens." So I am looking within once again. I am facing my fears, walking through them, and opening up my heart to the love I deserve. I trust God will know when I am ready and will send in the universe to conspire not a minute too soon or a minute too late but like everything in my life, just in time, God's time.
No comments:
Post a Comment