The Lessons of 2010.

I don't know where to begin as I feel the lessons of this year are endless. Perhaps the one that stands out the most is acceptance of what is and letting go of what I wish was. The more I live the more I come to understand that the key to happiness is accepting our circumstances and not being victims of them. My happiness doesn't depend on an accomplishment or waiting for something or someone to bring it into my life. Happiness is a choice. One I consciously choose.

A lot has happened this year that I never imagined would and not in the the follow your heart, live your passion and win an award with a car way but in the life brought me down to my knees way and allowed me to find out who could genuinely kneel by my side, hold my hand and help me up way. I found out who could be there when the awards or red carpet, aka known as proof that I am not throwing my life away, weren't. While the people who couldn't don't even make up the count on one hand they still stand out because for years they stood by me and I loved them and lived amazing experiences with them. I will be eternally grateful for them but I learned that I can't keep anyone in my life at the expense of being me or living my dreams because life is too short.

The lesson of life being short came again in the most abrupt of ways and turned my world upside down. I hit the lowest of bottoms and fell into a deep sea of fear only to be eventually found by a tremendously huge rescue boat of faith after what felt like too long. The amount of fear and horrible thoughts of dying caught me by surprise as I have spent years in therapy and al anon working very hard to overcome the fears that come with being aware of how powerless I am over a lot. While the lesson in that fear was that I am human like everyone else perhaps the biggest one was that while fear and worry are sometimes inevitable it is ultimately faith that is a necessity in order to LIVE.

My faith was temporarily taken from me and sometimes I still struggle but at the end of the day I share a sentiment with Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Everything I have seen teaches me to trust the creator for all I have not seen." Somethings in life like Neil's abrupt departure will shake my faith but ultimately I trust in a plan even if it's one that came with what feels like to me TOO HIGH A PRICE, as he was one of the utmost character driven men I have ever crossed paths with whose family was his first love. Three months since he collapsed in his backyard while gardening and left us I still feel terribly sad but immensely grateful I was thought worthy of crossing paths with him and learning from him.

My mom jokingly got "annoyed" with my life is short speech and as I lay on the living room floor by the Christmas tree looking up at her I realized this year had yet again brought a lesson I have lived before. The best things in life aren't things, they are moments. The moments we take to stop and look at our lives and see how blessed we are just to exist and have one more day to give it our all and be able to accept that giving it our all is ultimately all we are in control of.

I tried desperately to avoid April 20, 2010 yet God and the universe decided that lesson was necessary for me. While I don't feel ready to share the details of that lesson, which I know someday I will (timing), I will say this. Cher sings "I've been brought down to my knees and I've been pushed way past the point of the breaking but I can take it. I'll be back, back on my feet. This is far from over, you haven't seen the last of me. You don't know me you don't know who I am, don't count me out so fast." What this lesson taught me the most about myself is that I am capable of standing up again even when challenges knock me down so hard it feels like they will not allow me to stand again and move forward.

What you should know is that because of my mom, Bev, Mary Queen, Paul Rodriguez, Lisa Skarveles, Randy Kent, Jennifer Marie, Neil, Michael Mullen, Shari and countless other friends I found the strength to stand again. Nothing is ever accomplished alone. NOTHING! Don't ever let anyone's ego make you believe otherwise. It just isn't. To me if there was ever proof of a God or higher power existing it would lie in the way everyday "angels" come to your rescue just when you need it the most and as usual right on time, God's time, not a minute too soon or a minute too late. ;-)

So as I take this plane ride back to the place I've chosen to make my home and leave my family and birthplace behind I walk away grateful for the moments I shared with them once again. Even when I was finally pushed over the edge by one of my brothers and I responded in a not so kind way (@#%$#***) for him to leave me alone, I am grateful I was there to be his target and that he was there to annoy me. I am glad I got to wake up under the same roof as my parents, sisters, niece, and cries of my youngest nephew. While my mom began her days hurriedly as she always has and I believe always will I realized acceptance of who she is and who all of my family is, is crucial in order for me to see the beauty in my time with them. I hope they can see past my "flaws" and into my beauty too. ;-)

As 2010 comes to an end I prepare myself to continue navigating the uncharted waters of this sea I call my life. I do not know what 2011 will bring but I hold all hope that Esperanza will help me bear fruit. Something only those involved in my latest production can understand. ;-) And while I may not understand a lot of what 2010 brought me I continue to believe that all of it is leading exactly to where I need to go in order to answer this calling of mine. So if that means I may be pushed down to my knees again with challenges then while I am down there I will pray for the strength to know what to do when I am ready to stand again and most of all to have the COURAGE to do it because it is in standing again that I am able to LIVE the MIRACLES God and the universe have been guiding me to. Trust me this is far from over for me. It has just begun.

As I move forward I will continue to live by the words of Thomas Jefferson, "In matters of style swim with the current, in matters of principle stand like a rock." Although I must admit in matters of style I stand like a rock in my individuality too. My passion allows me to live by this, "No matter what you say this show is ending our (my) way. We're (I'm) gonna stand our (my) ground for FREEDOM, BEAUTY, TRUTH, and LOVE." Those are the principles I live by when it comes to my work and no duke/maharasha could ever entice me otherwise, never. Believe me I've lived it, more than once. ;-) At the time I was terribly saddened by meeting the people behind the image and realizing how they believed everything has a price. Once the sadness left I realized God had chosen that my path cross with these men so I could get one of the biggest lessons of my life, I am not for sale. I choose to be a child of revolution so come what may I will love myself and my principles first even if that means things will take a little longer to come to fruition because ultimately it will give birth to my gift, my song.

I crossed paths with the wizard, saw behind the curtain and stood firmly in my principles! By continuing to do so I trust that in due time I will once again DEFY GRAVITY! May your lessons allow you to live your life guided by your one true compass and voice, your gut, while remembering that the most important things in life can not be seen or touched but MUST BE FELT WITH THE HEART! Here's to an amazing 2011 for all of us! May your lessons allow your dreams to become your reality and may you find someone to fly the broom with you and navigate the skies of life with you! <3

This blog is dedicated to my family who helped me finish 2010 in the most beautiful of ways, in their presence.