It is hard to believe it's January 1, 2011. The year truly flew by. It feels like it was just yesterday that I was writing about my 2010 resolutions and producing the UNICEF benefit all while preparing for April 20,2010 and now all of it is a thing of the past. It's interesting how all those moments we desperately long for truly do come and go quickly. The older I get the quicker time goes and the more important it is for me to focus on being present. I remember the day when I packed up my belongings in two suitcases, took my savings ($400), and bought a one way ticket to Los Angeles like it was yesterday yet that was fifteen years ago this month! I was nineteen and after my boss Elaine, at the Black Eyed Pea, told me I was meant for more in the kitchen of the restaurant I decided to pack up and leave. Even after I had registered at the University of Texas El Paso. She saw in my eyes what I knew in my heart, I wanted to persue a career in the arts. Something I feel really shouldn't of shocked people as much as it did as I had spent one of my years in high school at a Televisa Fine Arts School after spending all my life raised in the arts.
I remember returning from Televisa in Mexico City at the end of 1994 feeling like Los Angeles was such a distant world but yearning to discover it. After graduating from High School in 95' I finally made the leap in 96' partially thanks to Elaine. I think back on these past fifteen years and I am in awe of how everything I feared would not come to pass not only came to pass but the reality exceeded my dream. I remember thinking I will never be SAG and it's been almost eleven years since I became a SAG member. I remember thinking I will never book a National commercial and I will always be stuck in regional land. I booked my first National in Janaury of 2001. Ten years ago! Same goes with my play, my Paulo Coelho film and now my current project. All the career accomplishments that felt so distant eventually came to pass and so does life. It passes you by if you aren't present in it. I have tried so hard after getting diagnosed with a STRESS induced premature heart beat in 2008 to be present and go with the flow of the universe and God's guidance while accepting that what is meant to happen will, just not always on my time or my way. In the process I've learned that speeding up the journey on my end will accomplish nothing but an inabilty to recall the moments or enjoy them. It's something I have to work on everyday and sometimes I fail but I am grateful for my awareness.
While I am always driven by my dreams and my calling this past year has taught me the importance of fulfilling all dreams and not just career dreams. Since I don't like keeping up with appearances or lies I will say that at thirty-four I definitely saw myself married with a bun in the oven creating a family of my own. Well...SUPRISE!!! Just kidding. ;-) I trust in the wisdom of the universe and God's guidance but I also know that when something comes into our lives we can sabotage it if we feel inadequate, unworthy, or let our minds trick us into believing we aren't ready by taking the other person apart. I don't struggle work wise with that but when it comes to love, while I have believed and continue to do so that timing is everything, I can also see how I have hurt myself by sabotaging things by repeating a pattern when someone who is willing, open, ready, and most importantly AVAILABLE shows up.
So this year I resolve to truly make every effort possible to stop sabotaging my love life in order to live in the comfort of the known. To truly step out on the edge of the plank and jump in when the opportunity presents itself again. I resolve to stop listening to everyone else and their thoughts on what that jump could cost my work and listen to my heart instead. This way I won't be going against my heart and actually following it in personal matters as well. Sorry guys I love you but come on Adriana, you who gives the life is too short speech is letting others sway you into believing work comes before love?! No more. I resolve to hold his hand and his heart too if he allows it. I resolve to be open and ready and to stop finding ways to make him think otherwise or that I am indifferent. I resolve to show up and be me. Afterall the worst that could happen is I fall flat on my face but let's face it I've done that before and I'm still standing so it's time to LIVE my way into what I fear may never come to pass. It's time to stop worrying that someone who will take me just as I am will ever come along, stop sabotaging it when he shows up and just be present. That is my resolution!
This year I will not just resolve to be open to love and its endless possibilities like I have in the past but to be present and ready to receive the gift of LOVE! Finally trusting what my therapist told me years ago, "there is no wrong with the right man", so I will be me and hope he shows up as himself too. No more getting in my own way! I resolve to let the flow of the universe guide me and to allow God to bless me with the love I deserve! Most of all I resolve to have fun and stop thinking so much, to just let things be. I resolve to give birth to the most beautiful miracle of existing in human form, LOVE! 2011 IS MY YEAR OF LOVE AND I AM READY TO ALLOW THE UNIVERSE TO CONSPIRE!
P.S. I also resolve to love you, my family and my friends as best as I can everyday and to give everyday my all while allowing myself to rest and make mistakes too. I resolve to continue to do unseen things everyday that can impact the planet, you, and me in the best of ways. I resolve to continue to see what a gift the present is and I resolve to BE ME! Lastly I resolve to hold your hand should you need one to hold even if I don't know you, I promise to reach out and help you up if you allow me to. ;-) Here's to all the magical miracles 2011 will bring us all!
Oh and as far as everything 2010 brought including April 20,2010 if I had to do over again I would do it the exact same way. Make every choice I made all over again for every choice led me on a journey to making me the woman I am today. So I resolve to not regret the past but be grateful for its lessons for it showed me how AMAZING my friends and family are as they stood by me and helped me not be consumed by the fire I stood in. Oh and hopefully by now he's caught on that when I say dumb things it's my fear speaking and maybe just maybe he has compassion for me. So I resolve to have commpassion for myself and nerves around him. ;-) Hopefully he'll be willing, open, and most of all READY to join my friends, become my friend and stand by me too.
The END is here! Time for an Entirely New Direction! Welcome 2011!!! I'll leave you with some inspiration that the lovely Jessica shared with me reminding me that my time has come to rise again and so I shall. Hope that in 2011 you rise to the challenge too and in the process find out exactly what you are made of!
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