Saying goodbye to my father.

It's truly amazing what a difference a day makes. Yesterday I sat at a coffee shop with Ryan and Lisa full of hope for what the future would bring all of us no matter our chosen paths and one day later I am trying as best as I can to say goodbye to my father. Ismael Garza Galindo co-created my sister Mercedes and I with my mom. The last time I saw him I was seven years old. In my heart I never thought I would never seen him again. I believed one day God would conspire to cross our paths again. For years I looked for him and was always met with a dead end like the last time I tried with the help of my sister in law Anabella. After that day I decided to let go and let God after finding that the number we had was no longer his. I remember thinking in the moment if it's meant to be it will be.

In July of 2008 I got a call from my agent saying she had received a call from a man claiming to be my father who had asked for my number. She explained to him she could not give out my personal information but would pass his number on to me. I can recall like it was yesterday the shock that took over my body when she mentioned his name. A name I barely mentioned to people who weren't close to me. Few knew of him but those close to me did know I longed to speak with him again. You see I grew up telling myself I was okay without him and when I told people the story of how my parents split up I would follow it with I'm okay as they gave me their sorry look. I was so out of touch with my feelings I had actually tricked myself into believing that I was okay.

After witnessing my bestfriend's relationship with her dad it dawned on me that I was not okay and I admitted it to my therapist at the time. For months I cried finally allowing myself to be in touch with what I truly felt, it sucked! Not having my dad around really had left a huge gap in my life and hole in my heart. The one thing I was able to share with my therapist that I never dared to share with my family for fear of hurting them was that I had a very different perspective of my father than the rest of my family. I was the youngest of the seven so I didn't live what they lived and had been too young to comprehend the hurt he caused my family. I longed for my dad. I longed to know what it was like to ask him for his opinion. To share my fears, hopes and dreams with him. To know what the person who had helped give me the gift of life was like. Who he was.

I never got that opportunity and after meeting the continous dead ends I trusted all was as it should be and in my best interest even if it hurt. After getting that call from my agent I knew the time had come. Not knowing how to tell my family I opted to only tell my friend Bev. She suggested I take twenty-four hours to think about it and then call him. I had waited TWENTY-FOUR YEARS for this moment so there was no way I could wait another minute. I had no idea what I would say but I trusted that if God had brought me to it God would bring me through it. So I picked up the phone and dialed his number. A woman answered the phone and I asked for him. When he came to the phone the first word to come out of my mouth was, papa (father). I had not spoken to him in twenty-four years but the most natural thing for me was to call him by what he was to me.

I was amazed at how calm I was. We spoke of my family. He asked if I was married or engaged. He told me he had always thought of me, something I often wondered about, and that I was his favorite and would always be. He told me he saw all my accomplishments online and was very proud of me. After chatting for a few minutes I told him there was something I wanted to say. I was finally able to tell him I forgave him and wished God accompanied him on the rest of his journey. He said I would never know how much my words meant to him and that resentment hurt only the person who held it. A belief I share with him. He asked if he could have my number and I said no. I told him it didn't feel right for now but that he knew how to get a hold of me through my agent. As I got off the phone my voice finally started to give way to the feelings of what I had just lived. I was left thinking that when you let go and trust things will happen when they are supposed to.

Slowly I began to share with some of my family what had occured. Some actually found out late last year. To my surprise all thought it was great. I had asked one of my brothers to accompany me to see him when the time felt right. Now I will never be able to see that day come to be as today I got the call that he had passed away Tuesday. He had shared with me that he had cancer but was in remission. In my heart I believed I would see him someday but today I found out God had other plans. As I sat across from Denise as my brother told me the news I didn't know what to feel. Sadness took over me but immediately I told myself to be strong. To suck it up. I played the part for as long as I could until my body gave way to what I was feeling on the way back from my production meeting in Malibu. It gave way so much I had to stop and ask Lisa to drive as my reality hit me. It hit me pretty hard. The man I called dad would no longer exist in human form. The only option now was to carry him with me in my heart as I always had.

He had made some pretty huge mistakes and hurt my family tremendously but above all he was my father. Since my phone conversation with him I had always pictured myself holding him in my arms kissing his forehead telling him all I told him over the phone giving him the love his childhood never afforded him. In my heart I know he knows that if I could I would hold him close and tell him I trust he is finally at peace. A peace his choices in life and circumstances never afforded him. I know God has you in his arms now and he is kissing your forehead the way I always thought I would dad. Please know that I will always remember sitting next to you for breakfast at the Carrows off the ten in El Paso. Just you and your little girl. Please dad know that no matter what I always loved you and I am glad I got to tell you all I wanted to say. My prayers are with all of your twelve kids, your spouse and anyone else who is finding out they will never hear your voice again. You gave me the gift of life and for that I am eternally grateful. I will see you in my children and I know you are watching out for me. Please tell Neil, my grandfather, and God hello. I'll see you when the universe conspires, one sweet day. God speed papa.


After getting the call I went to be with nature and bid him farewell. This is what the sky did while I spoke with him. As soon as I walked away the sun left. Clearly he was telling me he heard me and he was okay. If this is merely a glimpse I can only begin to imagine the beauty of where you are now.