Twenty days ago I was sitting here expressing all I was feeling and while I did that the call I was hoping for arrived right as I finished typing my last blog and right on time. It's been three weeks since I've sat across from the woman whose voice I heard on the other end of the line and who at the time was a complete stranger to me. I had contacted her office because as I grow through different journeys in this lifetime I keep learning what is in my best interest and gratefully I've learned to act upon those lessons. What I realized this time was that I couldn't wait for the pain I was feeling to devour me and launch me into a deep sea of fear. I had to take action because I knew that I couldn't avoid life on life's terms. I couldn't change Neil's passing or my father's passing. No matter how magical I believe the universe to be I knew that was one thing the universe could not grant me and I was being met with an END. A journey full of hope to be able to know my dad someday had come to an end and would not be. A journey full of hope of working with Neil again and watching him gracefully and kindly guide his crew through a film set had also met its end and would not come to be. Both of the those journeys had arrived at a literal end and so I knew what would have to come next for me. My end with them would be an opportunity to take an Entirely New Direction as I live on.
I knew I had to move on but I also knew I had to walk through the fire that was now my reality. I prayed to not be consumed by the fire of fears that constantly plagued me. I was in a reality so far from the one I knew but what I had learned the most in the past few years was that if I refused to face this reality head on and face my biggest fear, being consumed by the flames of these fears I was living and the unbalance my life was currently in, I would pay an even bigger price and someday down the line when I least expected I would come undone. I would fall apart out of nowhere because all I refuse to face now would eventually catch up to me and remind me that what I resisted persisted, as many things have in my past. So that fateful day I told the complete stranger on the other end of the line that I would see her the following week and that I was grateful for the six weeks I would be spending sitting across from her.
After our first session I told her why I cried the way I did on our first phone call. I mentioned my blog and how I had just finished typing it when her call came through. Coincidence? Wish I believed in those but I don't. I believe there are no accidents and what she told me next reassured me in my belief! This therapy six week session is free but you have to qualify based on need for therapy. When I applied I was told there was a waiting list and it would be a few months. I thought fine I'll go when the universe thinks it's time for me to go, as with everything in my life. Do I always agree with the timing? Maybe not right away but eventually I come to see that timing is everything and that I have no control over timing. ;-) She told me she had a stack of applications she was looking through and one session available. She said when she ran across mine she knew to call me. Accident? Not in my eyes. I had just had a really rough day and had blogged about it and asked for help and there she was. A timely heaven sent angel because God and the universe saw my pain and wanted to help me face the fires of fears I was tempted to be consumed by.
While I may realize that these fears I was facing are indeed false evidence appearing real some days they felt more real than false and were accompanied with an array of emotions. Emotions I did not long to hide or run from but emotions I also did not want to be consumed by. I wanted to restore my balance and in order for that to happen I knew I would have to walk through the fears, face them get to the brink of insanity and come back to my essence. I have been working on that for three weeks and have another three to go. Today as I left her office I realized that I like her a lot and that are paths crossing is no coincidence. While things are coming up again that I dealt with last time in therapy, which are bound to resurface when you are grieving not only the loss of your father but also the loss of what could have been, I actually feel lighter when I leave her office and not drained like I often did the last time I was in therapy in 2005. It feels like I am letting go and letting God a lot more than I ever have. That while a sadness underlines the acceptance of my current reality I am still able to accept it.
The balance I completely lost in the weeks after my father's passing which caused me to act out in fear is being restored. Everyday one day at a time I put one foot in front of the other and move forward as best as I can. Most days I laugh and everyday I am grateful for my existence and the fact that it allows me to be here to grow through this journey. A journey which I trust, whether it is clear right now or not, is taking me in an Entirely New Direction. I believe it is not a coincidence that my six week session ends as spring begins. That perhaps the universe timed it so that this butterfly can shed her cocoon when the flowers bloom once again and the sun will hopefully not only shine in the skies over Los Angeles but God willing genuinely in my heart once more.
Today in session when speaking of ways I block myself in receiving love from those I am interested in we laughed as we concluded I am not perfect and should forgive myself for actions taken based on fear immediately following the passing of my father which ended up alienating someone I wanted close by. Oh and that whole not perfect thing is up for debate. I kid of course it's all about progress not perfection for me. In that progress not perfection mindset I decided to keep working on my film because life is short but to not throw myself into work so much I lost balance again. I opted to stay away from any action that stemmed from fear and denied me the ability to process the process and eventually take me in an entirely new direction. I decided to face my fears and comfort myself with music like this song whose appearance and timing in my life was no coincidence and whose lyrics I found complete solace in. As the song says, "This is not what I had planned. It’s out of my control. I know what it takes to move on" and since I do I sit here and share with you my journey towards my Entirely New Direction and my only hope is that you may find your way through yours too!
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