The week my father passed almost a month ago I received a lot of calls and emails. I got to a point where I couldn't focus anymore on what I was reading or listening to. I opted to make a folder in my email and place all the emails there so that when I was ready to process them and reply I would. Few things stick out about the weeks that followed the call. I recall my emotions being terribly heightened and since so many things came undone, personally and professionally, within the following week of the call I tried to control everything I knew I couldn't to try and stop the process of what I was catapulted into growing through. I can see now that my behavior actually pushed people away from me and as time has gone on I have held hope that given the circumstance all of them know it has nothing to do with them.
Few things stand out like the following two. Ruben who was slated, and I am still hoping for a miracle so it can be so, to portray my character's dad in my film called me. We had a lovely conversation but what stood out the most was when he told me I had given my dad a great gift by being able to forgive him and that perhaps that forgiveness had allowed him to cling on to life for two more years. When I had spoken to my father, after twenty-four years of not doing so, he had mentioned he was in remission from cancer. Whether my forgiveness allowed him to live on or not I will never hear it from my father's lips but I have a gut feeling it may have as I know what a great feeling it is not only to forgive but be forgiven. Recent years have shown me how powerful it is to forgive oneself as well.
The second thing that stood out for me was said by my sister Ivonne. I found her quite courageous in being able to speak such beautiful words as being the oldest of the seven afforded her the ability to process all the pain my dad's choices caused. The day after I had found out I laid on one couch crying and Lisa laid on the other keeping watch over me. I wasn't really answering the phone much but when I saw unknown on the caller id, which tends to be Mexico, I knew I should. My sister spoke with me for a while and then said the words that will stay with me forever, "For all the mistakes your father made you were one of his greatest accomplishments." I cried and cried at the possibility that he may have felt that too. That reconnecting with me and getting a glimpse into the woman I had become may have made him proud that I was nothing like him.
I've been told he was a con artist and that is why it was best we not have him in our lives. Being in therapy for four years allowed me to see many things. One is that people are what they know and from what I know of his childhood it was very difficult for someone like him having lived what he did without any help from a therapist or of some sort to have been fit to raise another human being. As he showed me by example it was very difficult. All of us I believe have stuff we have come here to work out, the reasons for it and what it all leads to beyond this existence I know nothing of but I have learned that accepting circumstances can make life a beautiful mess because within all the hardships, battles, challenges or whatever you wish to call them you will find yourself with the ability to see how beautiful it is to be here to LIVE them. Of course I wish some days were easier but I also know from experience that easy comes at a cost and that is not really LIVING.
He lived as best as he could as best as he knew how. My sister's words have kept me thinking about how I turned out nothing like him. Maybe I have some of his traits of which I am unaware of, good ones I hope, but ultimately I am the complete opposite of him. While my mom has something to do with that I also believe who I was born to be is just so different than who he was born to be and yet I am and will forever be my father's daughter. I will forever be the daughter of a con artist and I am so okay with that. Who he was and how he chose to live does not lay my path before me. I think being able to forgive him and his choices has allowed me to pave my own path and perhaps pushed me in the direction of choosing the extreme opposite of what he did. His example taught me what I didn't want to be and what I didn't want for my children. Maybe without that I wouldn't work so hard to be who I am and make the choices I make.
I've been labeled picky but perhaps now people will see why it is of utmost importance to me to not only bring life into this world with someone who regards it with as much responsibility as I do but also with someone who longs for the experience and lessons parenthood will bring. It is no small feat and I will never treat it as such. Ironically I believe my dad is out there making sure whoever he is is fit for his daughter. I believe he is out taking care of me in ways he never could while he was here. I hear him comfort me in my time of sorrow and I trust all is as it should be even if today I can't comprehend it.
I will never know the truth about who my dad was or what he did. I will always carry with me the perception of what everyone who shared life with him thought. However because of my choices I will also now carry with me the knowledge that I have forgiven myself for being the daughter of a con artist, I have forgiven him for being a con artist, and I am in the process of forgiving all those who can not seem to forgive him. Con Artist was just a label dad. You could have been so much more but at the same time I trust everything is as it should be. Thinking of you a lot today. Mostly grateful that you gave me the gift of life. Hopefully you forgave me for not having the courage to see you in person since our call. I didn't feel ready and if there is one thing life has taught me it's that if you pry the butterfly out of its cocoon before it's ready its wings won't be able to spread and it won't fly. I wasn't ready to fly your way and I am sorry. "You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well." Lewis B. Smedes
Timing is everything dad. Life keeps showing me that over and over. As I grow through these changes, which appear to have insurmountable challenges please give me strength to carry on and the ability to forgive myself on the days I can't. Therefore allowing me to work my way into the what next TRUSTING that you, grandpa, Neil, Janet, Paula, and all my other angels along with God are ensuring that my TIME to move beyond this and into an extraordinary what next will come right on time. Thanks for watching over my dreams and guiding me to them. WOW! Just as I was finishing this blog the call came and proved timing is everything. I got the call that I am no longer on a waiting list and my first session starts next week. Thank you! I have someone to talk to again. If there is ever proof that I am not just taking to myself or my beliefs are crazy as my ex called them it's in moments like this phone call. Grateful to be able to see the beauty in such a hard day and the timing is indeed everything!
Thank you God, dad, grandpa and Neil for hearing my cries. ;-)
Hugs! LOVE YOU!
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