I hope you dance!

Tonight as I danced the night away and gave it my all I realized that I rarely give myself credit for what I am, a trained dancer. I seem to have a voice from the committee i.e. thoughts composed of what others think of you not your thoughts, hanging around even though I was certain I voted the committee out a while back. This particular voice tells me I am not in my teens another, not as limber, not as graceful not as talented of a dancer as I was once. The same voice that I have allowed to speak when my teacher has asked me to perform with him, shouting no inside of me reminding me I can't since I haven't really trained since I left Texas, therefore allowing me to verbalize its fear and say no to my teacher when asked.

As I looked in the mirror while I danced in class tonight, something I rarely do and need to do more of, I looked into my own eyes and told myself to own it. To dance as if it were my last dance! To not be afraid of being labeled a show off or not good enough to simply own my rhythm and as my teacher Jerry shouted free style I did just that. I owned it! It felt so good! I shook it to the rhythm of my soul! I felt so alive and so aware. AWARE that I am still there! That I am still a DANCER! I can keep believing I am too old to be any good anymore or I can laugh at that thought eventually organically letting it go. I am good. I mean I worked at it since I was three so why would I not be. ;-)
This is me sitting up straight as a then three year old in the black ballet shoes. The young girl next to me heard hunch your back not arch which is easily confused. ;-)

And me again with my fellow dancer.


I have to admit that if it weren't for my mom sacrificing her art for her seven children I wouldn't be a dancer today. She was chosen to tour with the Bellas Artes Dance Company in Mexico City but had to decline due to the fact that she had to raise her younger brother and sister. Then when she could have gone back she starting having kids and we were fortunate to be passed on this beautiful art. I was the only one who took it seriously and LOVED it!!! I remember locking myself in my room and dancing the day away. Pretending to me Casey in "A Chorus Line" singing to Zach, "God I'm a dancer! A dancer dances!!" Only to have my sister Ivonne barge in. Luckily she would smile and tell me how great I was. She was the one who would go on to pick me up at the University of Texas El Paso Union Dinner theatre performances of "A Chorus Line" a few years later.

Prior to that I danced on the high school dance team. Just about the dorkiest thing you could do and even dorkier was being the lead reindeer but I didn't care because I was dancing! In front of the entire school to a Christmas song that still makes me leap in the air when I hear it at Christmas time but I was dancing. This is me being the lead reindeer prancing in the high school auditorium.
Prancing my way to the....

Splitz!!


Thanks to my mom's sacrifices I lived moments like this one.

Something I continued to have the ability to do in my twenties and now as I head towards thirty-five even though I don't have a picture.

So this will have to do for now. ;-)

Now picture me standing up on my left leg. ;-)


When my father passed in January I remember telling Lisa I just wanted to go away and dance. Just dance for an entire year. Maybe head to a dance academy. It didn't matter as long as I could spend the whole day in a studio dancing. It didn't happen as I had obligations to tend to and healing to do but something else happened. I began to dance more often. Some days I would dance paralyzed by the fear that like Neil I would just collapse and die. I would hear him say to me, "Dance A. Just dance" and I would stop obsessing over what could happen and I would just dance. Eventually I began to let go of the fear and started coming alive again. I credit my teacher with being a big actually HUGE part of my healing process. In letting me to do what I love with all my heart he allowed my soul to come back to life and allowed me to dance my way back to life. Here are some great moments from the past year with him.

He's right I wasn't giving it my all BUT I was saving it for...

THIS!

Here we are being sexy with some more of his students.

Here we are being silly! Watch as I try and lead! ;-)

Finally here he is showing my favorite young girl some moves. Wait for it as we tricked her into it. She gave up when she couldn't perfect it but I asked her to try again.


Watching all these videos reminds me of why I continued dancing even after my other siblings quit. Simply put I was born to do it! I've even been hired to dance in a music video. ;-) I am in all the dancer shots and all the single dancer shots are yours truly.

And reminds me of my first music video. Okay so it was more of an audition video but looking at it recently made me cry. Longing to know that girl once more. The one who danced as if no one was watching!


Tonight I realized she is still there so as of today I will call myself what I have always been, a DANCER. Will I go back to the shape I was in? Will I keep up like I did even a few years ago in Huecco's video? Will my toes stop hurting? Will the cysts on the back of my knees go away? Will I keep up with the younger girls? Honestly, who cares!!! It's like I told the most handsome man in the room as we danced and he asked what was playing and how we should dance to it, "I don't know but the point is to have fun!"

So I will! I will give it my all every class. I will forget what the committee says. I will trust in my body to guide me and watch my soul come alive once again. Will I end up on Dancing with the Stars someday? Honestly? I hope so! My dignity isn't up for grab or sale so it's going to take a lot of faith, which I have, that the possibilities are endless. That as long as I am following my heart, listening to what feeds my soul and having fun the universe will take care of this dancer. The universe under God's guidance will continue to give me opportunities to dance my way through life. Like me I hope you learn to DANCE (paint, sing, play an instrument) once again. Trusting that it is never too late! I hope you find the courage to dance to the rhythm of your own heart realizing life is too short for anything else. A rhythm only you can understand. And when you get the chance to sit it out, I truly HOPE YOU DANCE remembering that time IS a wheel in constant motion.