I am fascinated by my body's ability to communicate with me. It was in doing this morning's yoga workout dvd that I realized how off balance I am. I wasn't completely shocked. I have been in the dance studio non-stop dancing my way through the storm of loss while preparing the closing of my documentary and it's not the pirouettes or split in the air I can't do, it's keeping my balance. When I began to practice the Russian split as soon as I came down from it I would fall to my knees. Lack of balance. Within a week I stopped falling. When I began doing the complicated quick turns that have me going in and out of God's (my teacher's- you'll see) arms I would loose my balance entirely. I would get very frustrated with myself and the lessons began to show themselves.
I remember after one rehearsal turning the camera off and apologizing to my teacher for being a disappointment, his expression reminded me that if it's "hysterical" it's historical, meaning nothing to do with the present. I never forgot the ridicule my American of Dramatic Arts teacher put me through in the middle of the entire class as she grabbed my chair in the middle of the room slammed it down and said "I can't hear you." Pre-therapy and Al Anon of course. I was twenty-one. I remember leaving the room shocked and calling my private acting coach crying saying this wasn't how she was going to get the best out of me. I passed the final exam in that class with flying colors. She had paired me up with the shyest girl in class and I was shy too so she doomed us. So she thought. When the exam took place and the titanic began to sink I strapped on my life vest, what little tools I had then, jumped ship and swam to shore. Basically I improvised my way through the scene saving both her and I as best as I could then. In part thanks to my classmate John Schaffer whose words after the ridicule in class I will never forget, "If she didn't see potential in you she wouldn't talk to you that way."
That's what is happening now and when I apologized to my teacher he looked at me in disbelief. I told him I was disappointed in myself and that was when I saw another lesson reveal itself once again. I am learning to be less hard on myself...yet again. It was in that apology that I realized as I spoke those words that I was speaking from the committee. Everyone but me who has ever been hard on my acting, dancing, producing etc. Honestly how could I expect myself to have perfect balance after years of not dancing this way but simply keeping a dance class routine schedule. Nothing outside the ordinary. Did I think I would dance the way I did when I was in training full time as a child? That would be a pretty high expectation! After all aren't I the one who tells others an expectation is a pre meditated resentment? It applies to me too.
Ahhhh...and breathe. The answer lies in the balancing. I haven't for a while been balancing in my life like I would like to think I have and it's okay. The most important thing is awareness and the ability to make a change. This yoga workout this morning from my friend Mandy's dvd, Yogalosophy, which I highly recommend if you want your body to grow, kicked my butt. Why? Lack of balance. I threw myself back into it and dancing without the proper breathing to help me balance. Lack of proper breathing in my life lets me forget that all this loss takes time to heal and all the emotions it brought shouldn't be gone overnight. By the way I should mention her yoga philosophy is toning and breathing so it is not your typical class. Although I do feel no yoga class is easy as people may think. My teacher Patrice at Creekside Wellness in Topanga Canyon also kicks my body's butt. Why? Again, balance. I can't throw myself into things without working my way slowly into them and epxect perfection. Yes I have the main tool, a body with willingness and flexibility but I can't expect myself to be Mandy, Patrice or Jerry (my dance teacher) when it comes my capabilities as I am starting all over again. I am not in constant practice like them.
Why? Well you guessed it. I was off balance and God and the universe saw it and catapulted me into a change in my life where every action is a metaphor for the balance I have had to learn to strike. My life went from being an independent woman who lived alone for eleven years to having to share space with different friends and finally a roommate overnight. In every scenario I got to practice the art of balance. When to give them their space, when to have a voice and claim mine so I am not a doormat and when to let go. Same goes for my body. When do I push it beyond what I believe it can do, when do I rest and when do I let go? I am learning all this and will always be a work in progress. My life is about progress not perfection.
I have my moments when I forget that but when I make the choice I return to my center by taking a hike, going to a meeting or seeking solace in dance I remember it all. All my tools are there for me to not only learn the art of balancing with but to learn letting go, trusting, forgiving, believing in the unseen and many more things as long as I can keep my heart open to the signals my body sends, which I am seeing are metaphors for my life. I will go into the dance studio today hoping for and working for balance by centering myself in my core and enlongating my spine. I will expect nothing but what I can give today seeking progress not perfection. I will take that as a blessing realizing that where I am is exactly where I should be in order to GROW in the direction of the miracle my body, my core, my faith in conjunction with God and the universe are producing through my body for my life. I will do as Emerson suggested, "Adopt the pace of nature, her secret is patience" and patiently live my way from off balance to balance through the lessons I am receiving right on time. God's time, because as I am learning, I AM WORTH IT! Should life cross our paths I hope you can dance with me to whatever rhythm we both embody and I hope we can learn to from each other the art of balance and where happiness truly stems from, within.
And when we are done dancing won't you breathe with me? It's just the beginning of a magical year!
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