Yesterday as I walked down the aisle at Wal Mart, a store I discovered was in the area that day and which puts me in El Paso as soon as I enter bringing beautiful memories of my youth rushing back, a man started talking to me. He started by asking me how far along I was. Considering how hot it has been in LA these past few days I have been sporting my favorite outfit, leggings sandals and a loose preggers looking dress. Did I fault him? No. I simply pulled my dress tight and replied I am not but I am looking forward to it someday. Creating life that is and watching my temple perform a miracle right before my eyes. He smiled and as our conversation continued he asked if I was trying to conceive. I was able to stand there with a stranger and have a personal conversation because of the work I have been doing lately with Ryan Weiss, my spiritual counselor, who oh so gently is reminding me of the woman/spirit I am. Helping me get stronger through love.
The "stranger" Peter, who informed me he was no saint or angel so please don't call him Saint Peter, must have been in his seventies. He told me of all the countries he had visited and all the languages he spoke. As we began to speak Spanish he asked me about my lover. "Is he fluent like you?", he asked. I replied no, well actually yes. This is where it got tricky for me. I then began to answer questions as if he existed and while I am sure he does he is not romantically in my life. I chose to see my belief in his existence as part of the manifestation. Just like with my productions I have begun to apply those beliefs and principles to my love life. Peter told me it was a pleasure speaking and that it was sad how nowadays people didn't talk to eachother anymore. I agreed but what I didn't say was that at first I was briefly hesitant towards his kindness allowing my ego to confuse it with wanting something from me other than connection through words. Returning to love I was made aware that it was simply a child of God wanting to converse.
He made me realize that with this home change happening in the spring I can also feel a new season of love in my life happening, all kinds of love. Peter taught me that I have to remain open to it like I did him in order to receive it. I am blessed to have Mr. Weiss to guide me when I can't see that I may not be as open as I think. I can see the love I feel in the air in so many ways and it's in the loss that I am rediscovering it. When it comes to love between two lovers I am old fashioned and it's a part of me I embrace. Letters sent in calligraphy pen through snail mail and sealed with wax are my favorite. I also love to make the paper look old by burning it. A trick my friend Areli passed on. I am no stranger to romance, it's who I am. "Say I'm a bird. Say it." ;-) So it's not that I try to be but I realize that when someone introduces themselves with "hey baby girl I can take care of both you and me if you know what I mean?", perhaps I shut down. That encounter was followed by today's following me around the store till he had the courage to hand me a piece of paper with all his info. Very brave I may say. I know what it takes I did a similar thing not too long ago. It takes courage to show your love. Yet in all this I can clearly see LOVE telling me it's okay to LOVE again. That all my heart is, is open as it's broken and therefore all that can occur are rays of light shining through with endless possibilities.
I shouldn't say never but rarely have I encountered such opportunities like I have in the last few weeks or maybe I have but I wasn't open. I see the change within me and my trust opening my heart slowly but surely towards these endless possibilities. I know a love so pure and unconditional I was guided by God and the universe to set it and all my hopes free and in doing so I opened the door once more. Doesn't mean I no longer love it simply means I trust the plan. God's plan. That is what letting go means to me. Being faith in action and trusting that God has my back and is always preparing for the best no matter the journey. Quite frankly I see the beauty in mine, past year and all. The love I deserve is always unfolding before my eyes and surrounding me. Something made very apparent to me while putting together the credits of my documentary. I AM LOVED! IMMENSELY!
Lots of change is happening and the shift is occurring. Who I once was, where I lived and what I believed is all growing towards the light into a new dawn and onto the next level where the stories that held me back are as Ryan constantly reminds me "in the past". I am open to this new dawn crossing my path with a letter writing gent who can express himself while looking into my eyes. Internet is easy and practical but there is nothing like an eye to eye connection as I consider it the window to the soul, so no online dating for me. A gent who is guided by God and the universe and carefully woven into the tapestry of my life and into my heart with authenticity. Till then I feel the love in the air in so MANY ways! A love, which is slowly descending itself into my life blossoming with the flowers spring brings. There is no coincidence that I move into my new place next month in the spring. I am no stranger to a new dawn, a new day or how good it feels to stop telling myself a story of the past and start LIVING in this moment. God you know how I feel. ;-) Here's one of my favorite, classy gents. "It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a NEW LIFE AND I AM FEELING GOOD."
This past with all this loss as usual was for a reason and guided me back to myself since I was never gone. As Ryan reminds me "you weren't because spirit is always present." I was just tired and yet I found it in me to get up everyday and oh so gently put one foot in front of the other and try my best. One thing I knew for sure is God was and is always with me. How else would I know all the love I know? From Saint, don't call me Saint, Peter to you to my AMAZING friends, to most recently Ryan. Thank God I had a longing for the Makepeace Brothers soul healing sounds and made it out to the show where my path crossed with Ryan's. Timing is everything!
As lost as my ego may want to make me feel sometimes I trust that I am always exactly where I am in order to grow towards the light. That is always the direction I grow in. Just like a tree I need it in order to breathe and exist in this magical place called Planet Earth. I am so grateful for getting "lost" in the loss as it took me once again in an entirely new direction to my oasis of love as I have dubbed my new home. A journey which as usual is birthing my art. My new home is founded on the principle of unconditional love and based on the lessons of the past year, WHAT TRULY MATTERS. Trust me when I say it isn't things that possess you so you can be possessed by a job in order to be possessed by those things and seen in the way we are taught we need to be seen. Since this existence is temporary there really is no need for things. All I need to get stronger is love. I am on my way. I am in no rush. The trailer of my documentary, which depicts this journey springs into my life in March along with everything else. For my ability to weather the storm and dance in the rain towards the light I AM GRATEFUL. As well as for all the loves you helped me weather it and even danced with me in the rain.
This song is for you darkness. You didn't really think I'd ever reside with you for long did you? Didn't intend to all but some loss carries pain with it that can trick my ego into believing that which is never gone, love aka the light, is gone. One step at a day one day at a time I'm getting stronger. It's all coming back to me and I am coming back, stronger. I love you for leading to towards the light without you I wouldn't know how AMAZING it feels to be surrounded and filled with light. To all of you, may your loss allow you see the love that is always in the air. Happy SPRING! It's a new season and with comes what I am living proof of, "what doesn't kill you makes you STRONGER!"
P.S. Here is a sneak peek at all our "hard work" for the dance that accompanies "And She Danced, Life after loss", maybe. You be the judge. What this is for sure is one of my greatest loves!
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