The art and cost of bearing fruit by following the signs.

I just got back from checking on my two boys. My two favorite boys that is. It is still so beautifully surreal to be able to say that. I had gotten to a point in my life last year were I had decided to accept what was and not what I wished was. I decided that if God's will was for me to not bear children and create a family of my own that would mean he had a bigger plan, yet I always knew if it didn't happen I would have to let go of my biggest, longest running dream. Perhaps it was that surrendering that caused the after affect. After all I believe surrendering our will to our higher power, God or whatever you believe in creates miracles, which is how this miracle of a life I now lead came to be. I would hate to ever give the impression that something is easy so how I came to bear fruit is always on my mind. You see two years ago on the eve of my thirty-fifth birthday I lost it "all", so I thought. Home, commercial gig and Bearing Fruit rights, which was to be my first feature length film. Little did I know then what letting go of life as I knew it would produce. At that time while I always wanted a family I also very much was a woman married to my career. I lived in a city that encouraged that more than anything. A city that I can see clearly now encouraged a lot of things, most of which have nothing to do with my being and a lot which made me who I am today so I am GRATEFUL for the sixteen years spent there. In that city I believe families are not one of its top promoted gifts of life and existence so God detoured my path with a lot of signs and pushing me off a cliff so I could land firmly where I have today. It's been almost two weeks since what some refer to as a bundle of joy has been with us. Everytime I stare at Austin, named after the city that changed my life and made it more magical than I thought possible, I see God's magic. The city I came from saw magic in the accolades of an industry that honored things I have come to realize now are amazing and beautiful but don't quiet compare to the magic I live now and am honored to be able to. Once upon a time my joy came from producing my work, walking red carpets, winning a car and lets face it posting one too many pics of myself and my accomplishments bordering between promotion of my art and narssasistic behavior promoted and encouraged by my work. Work that I still love but that in my view of the world I have come to understand is second to what I do now. I change poopy diapers, feed Austin every three hours and make sure he survives and thrives. Something he has been doing since he was in my womb as I was sick with hyperemesis and in the ER during and after pregnancy more than I'd like to have been. How I describe what I live for doing now is how the world sees it, but what I have come to learn quickly is that what I am doing is molding a life to help him become who he came to be. Perhaps my toughest challenge in life, to surrender what I want for him and allow him to be, flourish and grow as he is meant to. I am simply his guide. Simply yet last week I learned the IMPORTANCE of that simplicity when we spent Thanksgiving and my birthday in the Newborn Intensive Care Unit due to dehydration something his mom knows a lot about as I spent some time in ER for the same thing. However he is new to this world and there was nothing more terrifying than watching him hooked up to the iv and in a warmer while constant tests were being done to eliminate everything. It was then I realized how big my job is everyday, how much it will grow each day and how in love I am with this little man who will one day become a human being, man who I pray has come to make a difference. I would whisper in his ear how everyone was there to make him better and although I felt they went in the direction of testing for too much I surrendered accepting it be best to look everywhere and find nothing than to look in one spot and miss something. I assured him all were angels there to help get better and held tightly to my faith as what I have come to understand is the most important thing in life was at risk. There is a cost to bearing anything in life and I have lived a very very magical life which has allowed me to manifest many beautiful things but trust me when I am asked to proceed into the next lifetime I am certain all the awards or car I won will hold no value. What will matter is how I helped this young man become who he was meant to. How by doing all those daily tasks of being just a mom as some say I helped him become what his dad and I hope for him everyday, brave. Brave to be, brave to smile, brave to try new things, brave to have hope, faith and strength and brave, oh so brave to love himself just as he is. Austin I want you to know your dad and I have a love like no other and none I've ever known. Due to that we created you in absolute love, consciously and with great hopes that you would come into our lives. He is a kind, caring. loving, patient, ridiculously talented man who you are lucky and blessed to call dad, sweet angel. Mommy did good but then again mommy would be a fool to not acknowledge the help of a man from the next lifetime who couldn't care for me in this lifetime so he crossed my path with your dad and gifted me you. I followed the signs, I bore fruit and now the McGehee's will face a lifetime of Bravery with a young man whose love we can not wait to see grow. And by all means dance, dear boy, dance! Life is beautiful music and you are the choreographer of it! Austin we want to see you be brave!!! The choice is always YOURS!! By the way that was AMAZING bravery in the hospital last week. We learned from you what we needed to do. You are already so BRAVE!