Surrendering to the miracle evolving within me.

I wish I could say I have been a very cool, calm and collected pregnant woman putting all my trust in God and the universe for the miracle evolving within me but I can not claim such a thing as one thing I am not is a liar. In all honesty this pregnancy has been hard. It started with the sickness, hyperemesis, which sent me to the ER several times in the first trimester and got out of control from there. Trusting the process became my constant challenge because after all this was one process that needed very little of my assistance. More God and less Adri but I wanted it to be more Adri as it would allow me to ensure my son's health and well being. So my mind would trick me into believing something so far from the truth. It's almost as if I turned to God and said "I see all you created around me. AMAZING! But I got this one." HA! Thank God for its unconditional love! I seriously do not know how I did not drive everyone from Travis to Ginny to my family nuts with my constant doubt and worry. But let's face it you and I are here because this process sometimes referred to as a bun in the oven in simple terms, has been taking place without my assistance since the beginning of time and it wasn't until I truly accepted that, that change began to take place within me. I wish I could say I have so enjoyed this pregnancy but between my ER stays and my constant worry that anything I eat or do can harm Austin I have unconsciously made this experience not enjoyable. It wasn't until I truly surrendered to the life evolving within me, about a month ago, that joy began to seep in. It was about the same time that I took my doctor's advise and stopped obsessing over the information all the prenatal and parenting sites offer. It's like she told me, "You can do this without me. I am just here to make sure that if we run into a problem I can help." Like she has already done so with the hyperemesis, all the side effects the medicine produces and most of all how she has helped simply by listening to this neurotic first time mom. Once I let her words sink in I began to truly surrender. It also happened to be around the time when Austin began to grow and his body pressed against me more allowing me the privilege of feeling his development within me. This was followed by the realization that this tiny blinking light I saw at six weeks had become a full blown being. A being that yes of course I had something to do with, conception, but a being who while mom was unable to keep even water down, thrived. A being who now allows me the privilege of playing with him often and especially in the morning. Mommy and Austin time consists of me playing music and him kicking, moving perhaps even dancing to let me know he is in tune with me. That is a privileged moment my escape, okay almost escape of my neurotic first time mom syndrome, has gifted me. Surrendering to God and the universe and allowing them control has gifted me my joy back. Not that they weren't in control all along, it's just that it took my mind a while to adjust to the biggest miracle of all, existence within me and accept I am not in charge I only house him till its time for him to join us. Words truly can't do justice to what I feel when I tell him I love him and he responds or when I press my tummy twice and he responds twice. Wish I could say he kicks twice, but based on his sonogram positions he could be butt bunting me twice. It truly is an honor to and a privilege to be Austin's home till he arrives on our current home, planet Earth. It hasn't been easy but it has been a great teacher. One constantly reminding me through the words of others and the signs that we are in this together. That he loves me as much as I love him and that we are blessed to be creating this family and bond with Travis. His father and my love, a bird whose wings have rescued me. A rescue that is a continuation of one that began a few years back when all seemed lost and dark. One that took a lot of healers and one particular song to light the path so I could endure the detour and get to my boys. I am in awe and in debted to many and eternally grateful that the once difficult breath I took which was due to sadness and pain is now replaced by a difficult breath I take due to the weight of the miracle evolving within me. Once upon a time I reached for the phone, I reached for my friends and because I did I was rescued by my destiny. "All I have SEEN teaches me to trust the creator for all I HAVE NOT seen!" RW Emerson I can not wait to look into your eyes sweet boy and like I tell you all the time, MOMMY LOVES YOU but until then I see you, I know you, I love you because I AM YOU!