Trusting in the results of my efforts.

I have to admit I have never been able to do what I did this past week and truly enjoy it like I did. I decided to take the week off and take care of myself by doing nothing but what I wanted to. I laid in bed, read magazines, caught up on emails, and went out to auditions and to catch up with friends. I LOVED my mundane week. I listened to friends and caught up on their lives and where their beautiful journey has or is taking them. I know come tomorrow its back to work and to Bear Fruit. Pun intended as the title of my next feature is Bearing Fruit. ;-)

As I came down from the high of watching my dream come to life I was left with one question, "Did my efforts pay off?" While I blogged about the journey for the most part I left stuff out that I wanted to stay just between me and God. Things no one needs to know. I prefer to not use names or point fingers because I believe in the end we buy our own payback/lesson with our actions. Yes we shoot ourselves in the foot, no one has to do it for us. What do I mean? Karma! I've seen it take place many of times in my life. So this time I around I just did what I could do as best as I could and continued to strive to take care of myself while taking care of others. I have a tendency to let my passion take over my life and leave taking care of myself for last. Not this time around.

When I felt that there was not more I could do and that I had done all I could I accepted that and moved forward. I hit a point where I knew that it was crucial to TRUST in the results of my efforts and know I couldn't control them. Especially since someone close to me spent a lot of time on this project looking at the glass as half empty no matter what we accomplished! I believe my lesson from this particular teacher was gratitude, gratitude that no matter where my journey takes me I am grateful for everything I am able to accomplish big or small. And no matter what they saw, in the end as I stood at the Roxy I was really proud and happy at how everything turned out and everything I witnessed that night. My eyes saw a beautiful evening for a beautiful cause and I witnessed the universe conspire once again. The ship made it ashore just fine after navigating foggy waters for quite a while. ;-) A lot of people came up to me at one point or another that evening and asked about the talent. The talent was amazing!!! Everything was truly beautiful. See for yourself. UNICEF Tap Project Benefit concert pictures
. Here I am with the Los Angeles Tap Project Team.

Here I am pointing at Sarah's belly because she has a Tap Project baby in there! Conceived while we worked on the project. ;-)

So now as I live my way into the what next and try to figure out how much effect we really had I have to remind myself that for me the most important thing is trust. Trust in God, the universe, their guidance and that everything is at it should be. We really did do a phenomenal job for six months. I can't speak for everyone but I know that I lived and breathed the UNICEF Tap Project every waking moment. It's time to let go and move on. TRUST that the children will be taken care of. My part of helping take care of them has been done. I have to trust that God and the universe have got it now. They guided me to and through what I needed to contribute to their well being and its done.

It sounds so weird to type it and see it. This six month journey is over. As I think back I am grateful that I hung in there. There were indeed plenty of opportunities to give up and walk away. I risked a lot and carried so much weight. Sometimes it felt like 100,000 pounds were resting just on my shoulders. Indeed they were but I knew and trusted that risking being crushed by that weight was worth it because I knew it would not crush me. I'd been here before and believe it or not it gets easier everytime. It's my surroundings that allow it to. You see I can honestly say this town's superficiality has gotten even the best of people. When I feel like I can't take one more conversation about who someone lives next to or what diet they are on because so and so is doing it or what designer is the latest trend I realize then that it is just that conversation that makes me realize what matters to me. I think I carry the weight on my shoulders because I can't be just one more person who cares about just me. I can't imagine a life where the most important thing was what I owned, who I hung out with, what I accomplished, and what I looked like to others.

Maybe I am in the town I'm in because it drives me to push harder down my path. The one I create for myself where every 100,000 pounds lying on my shoulders turn into something magical because I carried the weight through to the end and let it go just in time. It's about to be let go again just in time. April 20th to be exact. If you think of me that day perhaps say a prayer. I'm facing a fear face to face that day that has been a long time coming and as much as it choose me I choose it. As a result of my faith I took myself to some pretty risky places which includes April 20th and I am glad I did! I have lived amazing things and in the end believe in everything I have done in the past FOUR years that led to April 20th. I don't care what anyone thinks not because I am rude or insensitive but because what you think of me, my choices, or my journey is pointless. You aren't me you wouldn't understand why I have risked all I have. I would do everything in the past four years just the same if asked to do over because I trust in the wisdom of the universe and guidance of God that everything is as it should be to prepare me to live what I have aka the magical moments and help me grow. Even the stuff that truly sucks. And yes there have been things that tested my faith. Loosing friends, a soul mate, and being harshly judged by the people you deeply love. But I know my day has come and so has the day for all the children of the Tap Project. We will RISE! Appropriate because of the day I am typing this. ;-)

Often times we wonder why someone receives something, quickly judging that they weren't deserving of it. For example I saw so many posts about how Sandra Bullock did not deserve her award and while she was primarily being awarded for the performance she I believe had also earned it based on merit and her journey. One I can assume has not been easy since I have been in this town long enough to know that doing things your way is not what Hollywood desires. They simply want you to take a number, join the cattle call and wait for your turn. She didn't and what you and I don't know and do not need to know I believe earned her that Oscar. Believe in yourselves, your journey, and where it could take you REGARDLESS of what anyone else thinks. The most important thoughts are your own. Be sure you decipher between what is truly your thinking and others thinking.

My hope for you is that when life guides down a path where you are asked to take a HUGE risk that you take it and see where it leads you. That magic some envy in others lives has NOTHING to do with them being a good person or not. TRUST ME I've encountered some people with truly magical lives who aren't that great to themselves or others and when I questioned how they could be so successful while trying to take others down in the process I realized it's about the risk. The risk and taking it has nothing to do with being GOOD when the magic arrives. It's up to you to choose if you will do good with the reward your risk produces or if you will hoard it. For the sake of this planet and its evolution I hope you have the courage to do good no matter how difficult the journey down that path is. A lot of the time the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do. Trust me I've lived it but I've also lived its rewards and I'm about to go sit in one of its rewards. My car was a reward from a very difficult journey. While it's just a car it is a constant reminder that on April 20th God and the universe will show up once more.

HAPPY EASTER!!! MAY WHATEVER YOU BELIEVE IN CONTINUE TO GIVE YOU THE COURAGE TO LOVE YOURSELF, LIFE, AND EVERYONE AS BEST AS YOU CAN!