This past week has truly been quite surreal. I keep thinking I am going to wake up and the bad dream will be over. Millie will have her dad back and Liz will have her bestfriend back. My reality is not that and so every night I have struggled to sleep and have fallen into a dark place. The great thing for me is that wherever I go God is with me so from the darkness I will eventually make my way back into the light. I am not afraid of getting sad and angry because I know it is all part of coming to terms with not being able to see someone again in human form. However if there is one thing life has taught me it's that when someone passes and goes home we may not be able to see them again but they're still here. I'm of the belief that while we may not understand eachother's beliefs we should respect them. I know a lot of people have reasons to not believe in organized religion and to be honest organized anything including spirituality can be too much. By organized I mean anyplace that makes you feel like you have to have certain beliefs as opposed to a place that just lets you express what you believe based on how you view your journey. I feel like if something isn't organic to you than you shouldn't have that be your belief. If your belief is that there is nothing guiding us or no God I respect that too.
I believe what I do because it comes naturally to me. It is who I am and while I am certain that God is with all of us during this difficult time I also feel that is it very unfair and just doesn't seem right. I'm not angry at anyone or anything because I know that one of the biggest mysteries of life is our existence and mortality. No one has the answer to it and that's what makes life magical yet sometimes difficult. We take for granted what a gift existence is until someone has their life come to an abrupt end as Neil's did. All of a sudden our perspective is shifted and we get that every moment of everyday is a precious gift never guaranteed. Sadly sometimes that knowing disappears. I've been living with this understanding since I saw five friends/relatives go home within the span of two years a while back. I'm not perfect at anything so sometimes I too forget how precious each day is but for the most part I get that I am living in a magical kingdom called Mother Nature/Planet Earth which abides by rules sometimes hard to comprehend. In this case very hard but in time I'll come to terms with this. I may never fully grasp it or understand why such a beautiful soul lived such a short life but in time I know what I will focus more on is having gratitude for having known such a man. For now all I can do is continue my friendship with Neil the only way I know how.
I've been talking to him a lot these days and while his humor would lead me to believe that he'd be saying "A, give me a rest" I've actually heard repeatedly, especially when I get my bouts of crying, "Hey A, I'm okay". I choose to believe he is and he is watching over all of us who are tremendously saddened and shocked by his abrupt passing. Last night for the first time in the past week I began to realize it was not a dream and while I am no longer able to call him, text him or see him I am certain he had a hand in what Los Angeles witnessed last night.
In my last blog I mentioned in the end that I knew wherever he was I was certain he was making the scenery look stunning and that I trusted that God needed his help so he could only call on the best. Yesterday was a week exactly since he passed and I think that is why it no longer felt like a dream although the reality still felt very surreal. So it is without a doubt for me, and no one is asked to share my belief, that what I witnessed on September 29, 2010 over the Los Angeles skies was definitely Neil's work of art. He was indeed making the scenery look stunning wherever he was and because of what I saw my belief that we all remain here in spirit was confirmed last night when I looked up at the sky.
I love to photograph nature and I feel very at peace when I am with nature. So as I got ready to take my evening walk I witnessed one the most amazing unique works of art over the Los Angeles skies I have ever seen and it was then that I knew. He was letting us all know he was still doing his thing and very present. I am grateful for what my eyes saw last night! It was a very metaphorical walk that led me from the light into the darkness back into the light topped off with a rainbow. The best way to describe it is magical! That is all I can say and I hope you too are able to see the beauty in the unknown and the magic in everyday life. Thank you Neil for continuing to share your talent with us. It was truly breathtaking as your work always is.
This is how my evening began and the transitions you are about see all happened in the course of a half hour or so.
Spirit in the sky.
Look close. I hope you can see it. ;-)
"All I have seen teaches me to trust the creator for all I have not seen." R.W. Emerson I don't have to see you to know you are still here.
I really don't even know how to begin this blog because to be honest I'd rather be writing one about how annoyed I am with Neil than this. It has been very hard for me to understand one of my very own beliefs in the past twenty-four hours, "everything happens for a reason." I've learned in the past day that there is not enough therapy, al anon, books or anything else to truly prepare you for life on life's terms and for watching someone who you truly admire go home. That is what I call passing. Going home to where we came from. Wherever that is.
Monday a friend came to visit who I had not seen in ten years, Tuesday a friend had her baby, and at this very moment last night, Wednesday, I sat at my computer reading a caption under a friend's tagged picture on facebook in complete denial of what it said. "Mourning the loss of a dear friend, Neil Lisk". I was in denial for so long I called our friend Ricky and asked him to long on and interpret it for me. Then I called over my friend who was visiting me and asked him to interpret it followed by a call to my friend Bev to ask her to interpret it. I decided I would wait until the morning to confirm it. After all Ricky thought it was a joke, a bad one, but one indeed so I decided to cling onto my hope and wait till the morning when someone would confirm it was a joke and then I would speak to Neil. Before going to bed I texted him saying I had a question for him could he talk. I knew what the no response meant but I was waiting on a miracle.
I woke to find people writing messages to him on Facebook and what I had most desired in the world would not be my reality. I finally confirmed with two mutual friends the reality I was so in denial of. One, Kevin, had received an email with the news and one, Paige, had been at his house. My first thoughts were for his precious daughter who he adored and his wife who was truly his bestfriend. Although I had emailed with Liz I never got a chance to meet her or Millie but I knew from Neil how extraordinary he thought they were and how much they meant to him. He not only told you but it showed in his actions.
I can recall like it was yesterday the day I met him back in March of 2008. I was a nervous wreck because I knew of his work, how talented he was, and how well he was regarded in the indie film world. I was producing my first short and wanted him to come on board more than anything. I knew if God conspired to have him come on board then everything else would be fine. It would go on to be more than fine. Not only did he have an amazing work ethic but when we went to hire the rest of the crew I got repeated emails saying how much they wanted to work with Neil even lowering their price to do so. We went on to not only put together an amazing crew but I went on to witness the most amazing DP I have ever worked with on any set do his work with such an ethic it blew me away. One thing you should know about him is not only how amazing his work truly was but what an authentic, genuine, beautiful soul he was. Out of his own sheer will he told me he would be charging me nothing to do my film and if you had witnessed him work you would have sworn I had paid him his price and then some.
I wasn't the only one amazed by his work. The first question out of every one's mouth after seeing our film which went on to win Paulo Coelho's International Film Competition was, "who was your DP?" I joked with him about it and every time I did he always so humble. Especially when he emailed me once asking what I had thought of his work since I had not told him. Honestly I had been caught up trying to make the competition's deadline. I told him I was lucky to have had him. He was the reason the film looked as stunning as it did and while we shot on video people thought we had shot on film. I went on to tell him I wanted to work with him for life and referred him whenever I could. Recently when Jason's manager Vince emailed me about a possibility of doing some PSA's with Jason I immediately said I'd jump at the chance and would love to bring Neil with me. Something I had shared with Neil. Something I never shared was that I thought his work was magical. He had a great eye for creating art. Art that showed how much talent was inside of him but also had a hint of magic to it.
I had been thinking about him this week and while I never IM'd him I had seen him on yahoo IM just this week and thought I haven't nagged Neil in a while I think it's time to. By a while I mean a few months. After the film wrapped it was obvious I had a friend who would later become essential in helping me move forward with my company by mentoring. When I had asked him to DP my current project he gave me an honest answer. He was no longer willing to be away from Millie for that long without what he got paid. He had seen her grow in spurts and no longer wanted to do that. He wanted to be with his family. While my work had been affected by his decision, as I used to dream of raising enough to pay him his worth, I was thrilled at his priorities. This and many other things made him an EXTRAORDINARY, UNIQUE needle in a haystack of a man in this industry we are in.
I would miss him nagging me on set asking me to go to hair and make up after I had already been done up or listening to him ask "where?" after the director said I looked pretty but I was happy about where he was choosing to be these days. I will never forget his face after he knocked on my dressing room door and yelled, "Hurry up what are you making the dress", and when I opened there was Bev standing with me and all of sudden his bold humor turned into a shy smile. He had told Bev she reminded him of his teacher so perhaps it was the I'm in trouble with the teacher look. What he was really trying to do was capture the credits scene of the film before the sunset but expressed it in typical Neil fashion. I would miss the nagging of what felt like that of a brother but I understood why he wanted to be home.
I wish I could tell you in all the ways he helped me but we would be here forever. Not too long ago I mentioned in a blog how he had told me to stand up for myself and reminded me to put my foot down and take control of my current production. He was very firm when he said it but very kind. His words pushed me in that direction and for that and all he guided me through even by mere example I am eternally grateful! This was someone you could learn so much from simply by watching him work. A few months ago I saw him for what would be the last time. I had a few things for Millie so we met at Porto's and caught up. I told him I would raise the money to take him to Austin with me and he smiled. It was a smile of I'm not going but I choose to believe I could make it happen. What I could have never imagined would be that no amount of money would allow him to go to Austin with me as God had other plans.
It's still all too fresh and I still want to pick up the phone and say "Sorry to bother you but could you please tell me for the gazillionth time what the name of the camera is," or "I still owe you Neil so I will be glad to babysit Millie if you and Liz are ever in a bind", but most of all I just want to be able to call him and hear him say "Hey A." He never called me Adriana or Adri as most people do, simply A. What I'm thinking about most in this very moment is how gracefully he handled a minor third party conflict once. When I told him I understood if he didn't want to speak to me again as I got that his loyalty maybe with his longtime friend he replied, "A, it's the past we move forward from today on and of course I am talking to you." That was Neil, able to see the good in everyone past my mistake by leaving it in the past, kind with everyone, a ridiculously hard worker, great listener, TALENTED and most of all a proud family man.
Neil as I saw on your facebook page today everyone echoes my sentiments and it made me smile. I wasn't being byast as some may think I was simply witnessing the art of being Neil Lisk. I am so blessed to have crossed paths with you! Thank you for the all ways in which you touched our lives. In case you didn't catch on I looked up to you the way I do to few, which allowed me to have one hundred percent trust in you. I will miss you deeply! Love, someone who wishes she could have been your little sister and is grateful she was treated like one. Harsh jokes and all. ;-)
I can't lie so I must say I wish we could go back to yesterday and have a do over. I really do. I'll see you when the universe conspires. This one is for you as I know wherever it is you are, you are definitely making someone smile and probably figuring out a way to make your new scenery look stunning. ;-) I trust God needed some help with that and he could only call on the best.
To see Neil's extraordinary work in what ended up being a very short career you can visit www.adrianagarza.com and see The Experimental Witch or visit his site at www.neillisk.com.
On a cold Friday evening in April of this year I took Zoey to see a friend's documentary in hopes that it would open her up to see things in a different light. May I be Frank is all about a belief I know is certain for me, we are what we eat. I hoped that at thirteen she could start to get things that I got way later on in life and maybe she could learn to take care of herself and her health simply by witnessing what it had done for others to do so. I had not purchased a ticket so I stood outside in line hugging Zoey to keep her warm and was promised that even though it was sold out we would get in. Shortly after a young woman came and stood behind us. She had a very warm feel to her. Her energy seemed loving and calm and so we started to chat. Once we went in we sat in separate areas of the venue but that would not be the last I would hear of her.
I am amazed by the wonderful magic of facebook if it used for the right purposes as I fear too much technology can not be good for anyone. What happened to the days when you would find out about people by sitting across from them for a coffee date? I miss those days. Now it's all about facebook and the life you can pretend to lead. That to me is the downfall of technology but the gift is that I can keep in touch with my friends and family in Mexico and Europe and I can reconnect with my bestfriend from elementary like I did last year. Turns out all this time she's lived an hour away! Well thanks to Facebook Dani who I met at the screening and I reconnected. She sent me an email that put a smile on my face because it was then that I found out she worked at Hay House Publishing. Coincidence? I think not.
In 2002 when I first began therapy I lived by the work of Louise L. Hay, "You can heal your life". It truly was essential in my progress and thought me a whole new way of thinking. Flash forward eight years and I was crossing paths with Dani. I won't tell you everything she has done because like any giving humble person I know they don't like to have all their good deeds aired but I will share this. This past year has been a beautiful mess as I have mentioned before. April 20 brought with it a lot of things but most of all the lesson of who my true friends really are. When things got really tough for me I saw that the people I thought I could count on the most jumped ship when the waters got too stormy and while they did so they let me know exactly what they thought of me for navigating into such a storm. Judgement was handed to me left and right by the people who had stood by me for 14 years and 5 five years respectively. It was a hard rude awakening and one I am still healing from.
If one of my biggest flaws is believing in the good in people regardless of what they show you then I'll take it. I never want to stop believing that at any moment someone could awaken to the lesson before them and make the shift. Which brings me to Dani. While I lost two friends I've gained a few since and actually people who I thought didn't support me or my work stepped in to do so along with those who always have. Since she has come into my life she has been able to remind me of all I've learned and at the same time all I have yet to venture into. All the lessons that life is still preparing for me. Something she really won't know of until she reads this and that is why I consider life to be magical!
At some point in time just when God and the universe know we are ready to receive the information needed on our journey to be able to soldier on someone crosses our path to help us along the way. An everyday angel. It doesn't have to come with a halo and flashing lights descending from the skies. They can come in the silence and mundane of everyday life with certainty that only you can understand. A knowing that God or whatever you believe in is showing itself to you. That is what Dani has done for me. When the words of those labeled as my best friends condemned me, my actions and the life I have chosen to live God sent Dani to show me once again that I am not wrong for dancing to the music that only I can hear and for accepting that life is not about the storms that will come but about my ability to dance in them. Some people couldn't dance in them with me but I am grateful for what they taught me about myself in the process by leaving.
Last night was a reality for me because of Dani. Last year I saw a film called "From Ambition to Meaning", which has now been changed to the "The Shift". Ahhh the shift. In 2006 I witnessed that shift happen in my life. Through the book and the film Wayne Dyer teaches that when you are aligned with your purpose the shift takes place and things flow while doors open you never knew existed and the possibilities are endless. I had come to understand this after ten years of not following my purpose. Once I decided that I would only do work that contributed to humanity in a positive way and gave a voice to EVERYONE regardless of sexual orientation, shape, race, religious views the universe sung open its doors and the people that began to cross paths with me astounded me. People of like minds who whether they were actively being their words or not still had it in them to want to follow their purpose. People who see how precious life is and how our evolution depends on us helping one another align with our purpose. As I write this I realize that the two beautiful souls who no longer accompany me on my journey left because their lesson was done and all their gifts to my life had been given and for all they gave to my journey I am extremely grateful even if their exit was not so graceful. I won't ever allow anyone anymore ever again to make me feel like who I was born to be is wrong in any way, shape or form and therefore in exchange I will always provide you in my presence with a place to be. Simply be.
Last night as I sat in the auditorium listening to Wayne Dyer I thought of Dani and how that night we both showed up with no tickets and because of that simple choice an extraordinary thing came to be. I heard so many amazing things last night. Things I knew of, which echoed the song my heart sings and helped me not feel so alone and things I am open to working on and trying to understand. Things that are going to be bringing many teachers into my life to help me continue to make the shift from ambition to meaning. What resonated the most and has been showing itself in my life all year is that now is the time to apply the shift to my love life. I have excelled like any student striving for an A at applying the shift to my work life and therefore I have ended up in class with GLAMOUR magazine, Jason Mraz, Paulo Coelho and many other amazing students of life. However due to many factors I've struggled to try and get into the Honors class of LOVE where UNCONDITIONAL LOVE is offered. So after last night I once again heard clearly that this the year that I willingly and with awareness sign up for the class but not only do I sign up I will actually get in and apply myself. ;-) Wherever you are, whoever you are I know that you will show up right on time. Not a minute too soon or a minute too late but just on time when we are both open to the other and ready for our journey together.
I will leave you with this beautiful song. I heard this version with dolphins for the first time last night. If you don't know the story of AMAZING GRACE I suggest you rent the film, which came out about four years ago. It is the story of William Wilberforce who worked intensely hard to abolish the slave trade and one of the teachers God and the universe put on his path was the man behind AMAZING GRACE as you will see in the film. As it was played last night tears rolled down my eyes because once again I heard and saw God as only I can. I was so inspired or as Wayne Dyer says, In Spirit, to continue to walk the road I am on, follow the signs and be ready for the miracles. For you I have many wishes but for today I wish you the ability to know that you attract what you are as Mr. Dyer reminded me, and therefore I wish that you allow your journey to show you that you are LOVE! Dani, if you ever wondered if your existence and journey was of importance to anyone now you know. Thank you for helping me along the way during during what unbeknowst to you are my dark hours. I will carry you with me always!
P.S. God thank you for sending Dani. I see you! ;-)
A conversation this past weekend left me pondering how much our choices affect our life. I have heard repeatedly in my lifetime that everything comes at a cost and nothing is for free. As I heard it yet again this weekend I realized I have made a conscious decision to be part of an industry in a city whose main focus is selling illusions so I had to decide early on how I would navigate those waters. I decided that no matter what I would never make a decision that went against my true self so therefore yes I have paid a price. My dignity and self worth don't have a for sale price so the price I have paid is having things take a little longer to come to fruition. That is what I mean when I say have consciously taken the Long Way Around.
While at times it can be frustrating since I am stubborn and sometimes want things to happen right away I've come to realize the Long Way Around does indeed have a much more beautiful scenery. Perhaps it's because it's the road less traveled. Recently I read the following, "We live in a society of instant gratification; instant coffee, instant breakfast, instant money from our local ready bank machine. It's everywhere we look. When we stop expecting INSTANT relief we come to believe that today is exactly where we are meant to be". In that lies the key for me these days. Trusting that I am exactly where I am meant to be. I feel like the roulette is constantly spinning and I am patiently awaiting for the ball to land on God. Where I have CHOSEN to place all my bets. ;-) I consider my leaps of faith in my work like playing roulette and waiting for God to come through when the time is right. Some days like today I get news I'd rather not but my immediate thought is that door closed can't wait to see which one opens.
Yes I could have "made life easier" for myself but in reality all I've been offered has had quite the price tag on it and it includes my self worth, self respect and dignity so I've chosen to continue to play roulette on my terms. I just can't follow and I can't live a life that goes against what I believe in no matter what instant result is promised in exchange. Living this way has taught me to find comfort in the discomfort of not knowing when the roulette will stop spinning and produce the results I want. I have so much pending in the next few months but I've been here before and I've found that for every ten no's there is one extraordinary beyond belief YES. I am banking on that YES once again. I have a pretty good idea of where it is coming from and it really blows me away. In time you'll know what I already know, once it becomes a reality. ;-)
For now as I have told the few who know exactly all that is going on in my life, I choose to move forward. Sitting in a corner pondering why somethings go my way and some don't paralyzed by fear is not how I choose to live. I may make it sound simple but it's not. It's just a choice that has become easier with time simply because I choose to trust in my beautiful mess, its lessons, and my compass aka God. Some days bring great results and some bring great disappointments but at the end of the day I see a BEAUTIFUL mess. Why? Well because life is messy and yet beautiful. My reality is I choose to see the beauty in uncertainty and feel comfort in discomfort because it comes with LIVING life.
I've had some great conversations these past few days with my family who are visiting and they made me realize how truly blessed I am to have their listening ears which allowed me to see how much I have lived in the past fourteen years since I left El Paso. I have known love, almost married too young, was betrayed became his friend again and by leaving the past in the past I learned to love again trusting that I will no longer choose men who don't believe in monogamy but not judge them. I've fallen in and out of love with my work finally witnessing my career, love life, and family life come full circle. The unknown has lead me back to my true self and what it is that I really deserve and I will make a conscious decision to continue to choose it. It's not easy. It really isn't. I don't say it to discourage you. I say it simply because we are in a society where instant gratification has become the expectation and when it is not achieved it is assumed that something is wrong or that not now means not ever. I lived enough to know not now means wait a little, grow through the lessons and you'll receive something better than the satisfaction of instant gratification you thought you wanted.
Time. It all lies in time. I am grateful for where time has lead me! On October 20,2010 it will be time to move beyond April 20,2010 and I don't think it's coincidence that it landed a year to the day since my last project premiered in Rome. I'd like to believe in chance but synchronicity has taught me about seeing things in a whole new way where I choose to believe I am being guided by signs, which some interpret as coincidence. I wish I believed in coincidence too but I just don't. ;-) Like I've said I don't wish the beautiful mess that April 20th was for me on anyone but that my friends was the price I chose to pay by not putting a price tag on my self worth, self respect and dignity. The most important lesson that came from it all is if I had to do over I would do it all just the same!
With it time brings perfect timing and the ability to see that things happen for a reason, are in your best interest and can produce a life beyond your expectations as long as you can have the patience to find comfort in the discomfort of instability and uncertainty and navigate the waters of the unknown consciously. I wish you a lifetime full of patience with yourself so you can LIVE what life has in store for you. We all have dark times in our lives but if we stay in them and work our way of out of the dark, light will bring with it the life you are intended to live. Activist Corrie ten Boom put it best, "When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer".
May your journey give you the ability to see that happiness comes from trusting and knowing that you too deserve what is there for all of us in abundance in due time! ;-) May your beautiful mess give you what mine has given me LOVE for the work I do, LOVE in my home life and LOVE within me, GRATITUDE for you, my family, my friends and everyone I encounter. “Life is all about timing. The unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable become available, the unattainable, attainable. Have the patience, wait it out. It's all about timing.” While you wait it out I hope your hours are spent creating the life you dream for yourself!
It's been over fourteen years since I packed up two suitcases, one with shoes and one with clothes, took my $400 dollars which I saved up by working at the Black Eyed Pea and Lerner at Sunland Park Mall in El Paso and took a one way flight to Los Angeles. I was nineteen then and there was no way I could have known what awaited me. It took ten years of living the life Hollywood wanted for me to realize what I wanted for myself, to come into my own being and be comfortable with who I was and what I wanted out of life. Realizing most of all how I wanted to contribute to the planet. I wouldn't change one single thing about my life and it has been quite the journey!
I was telling my bestfriend Mary this week that if I was to live up to the statistics this society places on me I'd be a fatherless Latina from a single parent home with no college education consumed by the labels unable to move forward. Lucky for me I was born to a warrior who raised seven kids alone and since I believe you are what you know I became a warrior. However it took ten years of doing things a certain way and not being content with the outcome to summon that inner warrior. In those ten years I went to therapy for four years straight and cried. Stopped caring if I ever acted again. Fell in love with all the men I longed to have fill the shoes of my absent father and like in any pattern repeating itself they would eventually leave. I went to Amoeba Music a lot, dated two guys there, learned a lot about music and eventually realized if it weren't for going to Amoeba that often I would not have the vast knowledge I do of music now or the love I have for all music. Most of all I would have never heard this song and found the courage to summon my inner warrior. Which confirms my belief that everything, even what seems like mundane, happens for a reason and is leading you somewhere.
This became my theme for 2006. No matter what happened I knew that the most important thing I had to do was FACE THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY! Worst that could happen was I could fail, and I have, but I would grow. I had to do what ancient proverb I once stumbled upon encouraged me to "Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still". The truth is in failing I learned how essential that failure was for me to become who I have and be where I am.
People often tell me "you're on your way" or "I can feel it you'll be famous soon". Most of the time I just smile because what exactly am I suppose to say to that? Maybe I should try the honest route and say to them what I said to Mary. I don't care to be famous, I've accomplished more than I ever dreamt I would in a completely different way than I ever dreamt I would and because of that there is so much happiness within me and gratitude, which I am not silent about, because it comes with doing what you love. What you TRULY love not what we are sold to love or be. I'd rather strike a pose on a red carpet somewhere because of an accomplishment that came from a very dark hour then because I am selling someone's perfume and telling people how to buy their art of being. No thank you! That said to each their own. ;-)You can read about the gift that came from one of the many dark hours on my journey here. Me and Paulo Coelho how the universe conspired to cross our paths. Same blog Jason Mraz reposted on his blog and actually how we met. ;-)
I support people following their DREAM. Yes sometimes you end up sacrificing a lot but time and time again I have seen that the sacrifices of following your own path are exceeded by what awaits you at the end of the journey. All things do come to an end and the only thing constant is change. Which brings me to today and where my journey has led me. I have to say that if I wrote everyone who has affected my journey by encouraging me or for that matter discouraging me we'd be here forever. For now I have to point out that thanks to Vince Shultz, Paul Rodriguez, Susan Taylor, Randy Kent, Danielle Artigo, Mary Queen Angel, John Rincon, Chris Beltran, Alex Jehs, Gaby Moreno, Jason Mraz's publishers, Paulo Coelho and Neil Lisk I am able to keep navigating the waters of uncharted territory that is my first feature length film. If I forgot you I am sorry. You know who you are and you know I am grateful.;-)
What my teachers who I am in constant contact with on a daily basis are teaching me now is the importance of being firm without being mean. In saying what I want and need without saying it meanly and remembering the words of Neil, "Adriana people are either going to do things as you can offer them it be done within your company's means or not. Whoever can't do it as your production can is not the right person to be there but you need to put your foot down". ;-) After all when you are the CEO of a company it means giving deadlines no matter how small your company is. I never want to hurt anyone and therefore in that lies my struggle. However everyday brings with it the opportunity for growth. I am learning and getting better at saying what I mean and meaning what I say without saying it meanly. ;-)
Which brings me to this week and the realization that ah...yes I too am human! Shocking I know. This week I did things that were out of character by taking out my frustration for other situations on innocent by standards and for that I am truly sorry. The lesson in that was knowing that I am not perfect, thank God. I have a lot on my plate right now and I also have a lot of letting go to do as well. If I've learned anything it's that the only thing I control is the footwork towards producing an outcome. The outcome however so not in my hands. So for today I forgive myself and my out of character behavior and I hope those whose character I attacked have forgiven me too. I am after all only human but with that thought in mind I also have to remind myself the golden rule I try everyday to live by, "do unto others as you would have them do unto you". I am aware that everything we do has a chain reaction so be gentle with your words and actions. Forgive yourself when the art of being human introduces you to a side of you you'd rather not indulge in. ;-)
For now I will carry on with the only baggage I truly need, a suitcase full of faith. No matter what life keeps throwing my way I know one thing is certain "faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and creates the impossible". Changed the quote a little to fit what I've lived as I believe we CREATE our destiny. ;-) I'll continue taking leaps of faith and trusting that my net will appear and no matter what happens one thing is for sure, I'll be taking the Long Way Around and wherever I arrive I hope you are there with me but I trust that all is and will be as it should be.
"It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself. Guess I could of made it easier on myself but I could never follow"
