I've always considered myself a pretty emotional person. One thing I am not is detached from my feelings. Since I can recall I have always easily felt pain as well as happiness. I've been called too emotional and it has been suggested that my emotions, while they serve me a purpose as an actor, may be best left for just acting as they may just be too much for life. To that I say THANK GOD I FEEL!! In the past few weeks I've realized I have more emotions that I ever thought possible. I can go from sadness to denial to outright confusion to acceptance in 60 seconds. I've been living through something all of us will face in life eventually. The loss of someone close to us. That my dear friends is all of ours destiny. In the process I've learned so many things.
I've learned that death scares some people so much they haven't been able to be my friend in the past few weeks while others have constantly checked in to make sure I am okay. Some, like Pamela, have gone as far as repeatedly asked me to join them on their outings to make sure I don't spend too much time alone and lost in the constant questioning going on these days. Eric sat with me at a cafe after the memorial to let me talk and try to make me smile. Mary Queen listens and listens and listens and has since the day I confirmed Neil's passing. Bev who knew Neil lets me cry and talk and then cry talk which I am certain she doesn't understand literally but tries too. My mom listens to me as I constantly ask her "You guys get that despite some of my words, my actions should show you I love you. My actions do show you I love you? Right? Right? I show you. Do I?" And then there's been the strangers who caught me in my building elevator and made the mistake of asking me how I was while being caught in one of my moments of deep sadness. Some have listened to me, some have asked me over for coffee, and some have called to check that I'm okay. Overall I've seen how much God shows it loves you when you live alone and feel so alone because life happened on life's terms.
In the process of living through Neil's passing I've come to understand that while I am not entirely ready to stop existing in human form I am not terrified of death. I am actually terrified of what it could do to my mom. :-( I can recall when my car spun across the ten freeway out of control as my tire popped and I hit the brakes and all I thought of was "God please help my mom understand this", believing it was not going to end well. I was twenty-two at the time. Thinking of that made me realize that I am majorly struggling to understand why someone would be taken back home at a young age and in the process come to understand that the possibilities are endless and that is why it is important to live as I believe Neil did, with PASSION. I have endless questions why now, why him, how come he didn't get to see Millie grow up, why, how, why, how,....you get the picture. Then comes the sadness followed by a moment of acceptance back to denial and anger followed by the certainty that it's a dream only to find it's not.
I was giving myself a really hard time this week for not having it together and it was then that it hit me. I won't and how can I really expect myself to as I am currently making my way through the questions. Some which may never have answers but what I have learned already is how important it is to live a life of service to others, a life where you actively pursue your dream and therefore a life that makes your dreams your reality. A life full of love, anger, sadness, happiness, bliss, gratitude and all the emotions that come with being alive in this unpredictable beautiful mess called life. Something I am grateful I am already doing.
Something or should I say someone has told me this is but a dream, my current reality and Neil's current reality, both dreams in different dimensions and I have to say it provided great comfort. Both of us living dreams in different ways. Is that the truth? Neither him nor I know. Actually he may have more info than me now. ;-) What I do know is that I want to live just as I had been before this. While this has rocked my world and made me question a lot it is because of my faith that I will make it through this and through my own transition whenever that arrives. I want unconditional LOVE that gives way to kids, I want to experience what my UNICEF commercial and my play accomplished again in different ways and I want to continue to live knowing that how I impact people's lives everyday is much more important than my job and that my belongings do not make me! That money does not define me! I want to give, I want to forgive, I want to be forgiven, I want to be angry, I want to be happy, frustrated and okay with all my emotions.
What helps me make it through these days while fear (false evidence appearing real) tries to get the best of me while my world is rocked, is my faith. I know I will not understand everything that happens in my life. I know somethings like a dear beautiful soul leaving in what I consider to be too soon I will not understand. I get that somethings will hurt immensely while some will cause great joy but most of all I know that a lot of what my journey brings is out of my control so what I need to get me through is my faith.
Faith that no matter what happens I will eventually see the beauty in life again when the time feels right. That no matter what happens I will eventually feel alive again because of my faith. Faith that this unpredictable ride I am on will take me exactly where I need to go even when some of the stops require me to fall apart because it is in that falling apart that I am able to see what a gift every second of every minute of every hour of everyday is. I may not have global answers but I am definitely living my way into mine. My future is now, as the present is the only guarantee I have. How I choose to live is coming back to me now. I will not rush because fear wants me to. I will not stop because fear wants me to. I will continue to live as I've learned to, like nature adapting its patience and knowing that while nothing is hurried in its process of seasons changing yet everything is accomplished. I will accomplish what my destiny allows me to, I will live what I believe I can, and I will question my faith during dark times with the certainty that I am never alone and while God is always with me now I feel the presence of an angel in my everyday life. "You don't have to see something to know it's there." Neil Lisk
I must soldier on, get myself to Austin and continue living because that is what he would want. I believe he wouldn't want any of us to waste time paralyzed by fear and he wouldn't want his abrupt passing to be in vain. I hope we all get that life is indeed short. I dedicate my current production to him and will work in his honor. I will keep up the good fight trusting that God and the universe accompanied by one very special angel will work with me to make this film art that touches, changes, and impacts lives for the better to help soothe some of the uncertainty brought by the unknown of everyday life. I will follow my heart, march to the beat of the song only I can hear, question myself, question life, you, everything and eventually LIVE my way into the answer. If God has a name in my book it's FAITH.
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