The Lessons of 2010.

I don't know where to begin as I feel the lessons of this year are endless. Perhaps the one that stands out the most is acceptance of what is and letting go of what I wish was. The more I live the more I come to understand that the key to happiness is accepting our circumstances and not being victims of them. My happiness doesn't depend on an accomplishment or waiting for something or someone to bring it into my life. Happiness is a choice. One I consciously choose.

A lot has happened this year that I never imagined would and not in the the follow your heart, live your passion and win an award with a car way but in the life brought me down to my knees way and allowed me to find out who could genuinely kneel by my side, hold my hand and help me up way. I found out who could be there when the awards or red carpet, aka known as proof that I am not throwing my life away, weren't. While the people who couldn't don't even make up the count on one hand they still stand out because for years they stood by me and I loved them and lived amazing experiences with them. I will be eternally grateful for them but I learned that I can't keep anyone in my life at the expense of being me or living my dreams because life is too short.

The lesson of life being short came again in the most abrupt of ways and turned my world upside down. I hit the lowest of bottoms and fell into a deep sea of fear only to be eventually found by a tremendously huge rescue boat of faith after what felt like too long. The amount of fear and horrible thoughts of dying caught me by surprise as I have spent years in therapy and al anon working very hard to overcome the fears that come with being aware of how powerless I am over a lot. While the lesson in that fear was that I am human like everyone else perhaps the biggest one was that while fear and worry are sometimes inevitable it is ultimately faith that is a necessity in order to LIVE.

My faith was temporarily taken from me and sometimes I still struggle but at the end of the day I share a sentiment with Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Everything I have seen teaches me to trust the creator for all I have not seen." Somethings in life like Neil's abrupt departure will shake my faith but ultimately I trust in a plan even if it's one that came with what feels like to me TOO HIGH A PRICE, as he was one of the utmost character driven men I have ever crossed paths with whose family was his first love. Three months since he collapsed in his backyard while gardening and left us I still feel terribly sad but immensely grateful I was thought worthy of crossing paths with him and learning from him.

My mom jokingly got "annoyed" with my life is short speech and as I lay on the living room floor by the Christmas tree looking up at her I realized this year had yet again brought a lesson I have lived before. The best things in life aren't things, they are moments. The moments we take to stop and look at our lives and see how blessed we are just to exist and have one more day to give it our all and be able to accept that giving it our all is ultimately all we are in control of.

I tried desperately to avoid April 20, 2010 yet God and the universe decided that lesson was necessary for me. While I don't feel ready to share the details of that lesson, which I know someday I will (timing), I will say this. Cher sings "I've been brought down to my knees and I've been pushed way past the point of the breaking but I can take it. I'll be back, back on my feet. This is far from over, you haven't seen the last of me. You don't know me you don't know who I am, don't count me out so fast." What this lesson taught me the most about myself is that I am capable of standing up again even when challenges knock me down so hard it feels like they will not allow me to stand again and move forward.

What you should know is that because of my mom, Bev, Mary Queen, Paul Rodriguez, Lisa Skarveles, Randy Kent, Jennifer Marie, Neil, Michael Mullen, Shari and countless other friends I found the strength to stand again. Nothing is ever accomplished alone. NOTHING! Don't ever let anyone's ego make you believe otherwise. It just isn't. To me if there was ever proof of a God or higher power existing it would lie in the way everyday "angels" come to your rescue just when you need it the most and as usual right on time, God's time, not a minute too soon or a minute too late. ;-)

So as I take this plane ride back to the place I've chosen to make my home and leave my family and birthplace behind I walk away grateful for the moments I shared with them once again. Even when I was finally pushed over the edge by one of my brothers and I responded in a not so kind way (@#%$#***) for him to leave me alone, I am grateful I was there to be his target and that he was there to annoy me. I am glad I got to wake up under the same roof as my parents, sisters, niece, and cries of my youngest nephew. While my mom began her days hurriedly as she always has and I believe always will I realized acceptance of who she is and who all of my family is, is crucial in order for me to see the beauty in my time with them. I hope they can see past my "flaws" and into my beauty too. ;-)

As 2010 comes to an end I prepare myself to continue navigating the uncharted waters of this sea I call my life. I do not know what 2011 will bring but I hold all hope that Esperanza will help me bear fruit. Something only those involved in my latest production can understand. ;-) And while I may not understand a lot of what 2010 brought me I continue to believe that all of it is leading exactly to where I need to go in order to answer this calling of mine. So if that means I may be pushed down to my knees again with challenges then while I am down there I will pray for the strength to know what to do when I am ready to stand again and most of all to have the COURAGE to do it because it is in standing again that I am able to LIVE the MIRACLES God and the universe have been guiding me to. Trust me this is far from over for me. It has just begun.

As I move forward I will continue to live by the words of Thomas Jefferson, "In matters of style swim with the current, in matters of principle stand like a rock." Although I must admit in matters of style I stand like a rock in my individuality too. My passion allows me to live by this, "No matter what you say this show is ending our (my) way. We're (I'm) gonna stand our (my) ground for FREEDOM, BEAUTY, TRUTH, and LOVE." Those are the principles I live by when it comes to my work and no duke/maharasha could ever entice me otherwise, never. Believe me I've lived it, more than once. ;-) At the time I was terribly saddened by meeting the people behind the image and realizing how they believed everything has a price. Once the sadness left I realized God had chosen that my path cross with these men so I could get one of the biggest lessons of my life, I am not for sale. I choose to be a child of revolution so come what may I will love myself and my principles first even if that means things will take a little longer to come to fruition because ultimately it will give birth to my gift, my song.

I crossed paths with the wizard, saw behind the curtain and stood firmly in my principles! By continuing to do so I trust that in due time I will once again DEFY GRAVITY! May your lessons allow you to live your life guided by your one true compass and voice, your gut, while remembering that the most important things in life can not be seen or touched but MUST BE FELT WITH THE HEART! Here's to an amazing 2011 for all of us! May your lessons allow your dreams to become your reality and may you find someone to fly the broom with you and navigate the skies of life with you! <3

This blog is dedicated to my family who helped me finish 2010 in the most beautiful of ways, in their presence.

Finding my way through a life uncommon.

Anyone who knows me knows I don't believe in coincidences. I believe everything happens for a reason even when in the moment it feels like wrong timing for what is happening. Everyday is an opportunity for me to fight or accept the flow of the universe and guidance of God. While I may not always do it perfectly, I prefer to do the latter. There is something to be said for accepting that a lot is out of our control but also that it's very important that we are aware of what is in our control and handle that as best as we can. A lot has happened this past year as I have mentioned in previous blogs and as the year is coming to an end a lot continues to happen. I don't have the ability to lie nor would I ever want to so I must be truthful and say that somethings I wish did not happen but continue to trust that whether I can see it or not they are ultimately in my best interest. The road I am on these days keeps constantly changing and just when I know where I am headed I get a detour.

Some days because my body and mind are tired I want it to just be easier. It's like I told Lisa the other day after she asked if I was okay after getting some not so great news, "I realize my faith is what it is because of situations like this but sometimes I wish it was easier." However based on what I have lived I have come to believe and understand that anything worth while and brought into our lives to help us grow and find out exactly what we are made of will take time and throw us plenty of curve balls. At least that has been my case. Lately an old Jewel song has been on my mind a lot. Particularly the following verse, "I've heard your anguish. I've heard your hearts cry out. We are tired, we are weary, but we aren't worn out. Set down your chains until only faith remains. Set down your chains and lend your voices only to sounds of freedom. No longer lend your strength to that, which you wish to be free from. Fill your lives with love and bravery and we shall lead a life uncommon." That dear friends is what I feel it takes to be able to move forward in this sometimes inexplicable yet beautiful magical gift called life. A lot of faith and an ability to set down our chains while opening our hearts allowing them to take us beyond logic.

In matters of the heart is precisely where my latest teacher has been sent to me by the universe at God's request. ;-) This teacher has revealed a lot about myself that I had denied myself for the sake of not doing the work to grow in that part of my life. I have always had the capacity to have it together when driven by the passion of my work and what it could mean to humanity and their hearts but when it has come to matters of my own heart I have stumbled with my faith. Seeing that written is just weird. I've come to realize that I have taken such a beating in my personal life, one which I of course contributed to by allowing it, that my heart shut down again. It wasn't until "nameless" came into my life that I realized yet again how shut down I was.

I have to admit that it would feel a bit awkward to expose all "nameless" has taught me but I will say that I am beyond grateful. I don't really know him well at all but I do know that I have tried to make him someone he is not to allow myself to remain closed off to the part of my life. Every man I have crossed paths with romantically except one ex-boyfriend has either cheated on me or asked me to have an affair with them. The latter I refused to do so because it went against everything that felt right to me. I still and will forever believe that regardless of monogamy issues all these men were meant to cross paths with me and teach me about myself and my faith. A faith I am struggling with in matters of the heart but one that is beginning to find its way back into my life one day at a time. I do realize "nameless" is not all the things I tease him he is in order to keep him at arm's length. For all the stupid mean things I have said I am sorry. What I do know is that when he is in the room I am happy and when he leaves I don't want him to. That is it. That is all I know and for today I trust that, that is all I need to know. I can see why the universe crossed our paths. As more is revealed I will live my way into the what next and if anything is meant to be he will be in that what next and if not I am grateful for what he has already taught me. I forgot how great it felt to smile at the thought of someone. All I know now is I am very very happy to know such a fun, goofy, free spirited soul whose striking beauty is just icing on the cake. ;-)

As I move forward into the what next I am excited about the possibilities and what life is bringing into fruition for me. I know that what is yet to come must be felt with the heart and not the mind. I have been here repeatedly and it doesn't get easy just easier. Something is brewing for me in this vast universe. Something far beyond what I can imagine and all I can do is prepare myself, my teachers, and students to be open to the miracle that God and the universe are preparing us for and TRUST in the wisdom of a universe that has shown me repeatedly it can handle far more than I can ever imagine. For now my heart remains open to this very moment and every moment because I know that in order to LIVE experiences that hold no true logic or explanation I must continue to dance to the rhythm of my heart and its song, which only I can hear and it is then that I will live A LIFE UNCOMMON. "Come on you unbelievers, move out of the way! There is a new army coming and we are armed with faith! To live, we must give." May you find it in you to be able to GIVE your all in order to LIVE your life uncommon.