Anyone who knows me knows I don't believe in coincidences. I believe everything happens for a reason even when in the moment it feels like wrong timing for what is happening. Everyday is an opportunity for me to fight or accept the flow of the universe and guidance of God. While I may not always do it perfectly, I prefer to do the latter. There is something to be said for accepting that a lot is out of our control but also that it's very important that we are aware of what is in our control and handle that as best as we can. A lot has happened this past year as I have mentioned in previous blogs and as the year is coming to an end a lot continues to happen. I don't have the ability to lie nor would I ever want to so I must be truthful and say that somethings I wish did not happen but continue to trust that whether I can see it or not they are ultimately in my best interest. The road I am on these days keeps constantly changing and just when I know where I am headed I get a detour.
Some days because my body and mind are tired I want it to just be easier. It's like I told Lisa the other day after she asked if I was okay after getting some not so great news, "I realize my faith is what it is because of situations like this but sometimes I wish it was easier." However based on what I have lived I have come to believe and understand that anything worth while and brought into our lives to help us grow and find out exactly what we are made of will take time and throw us plenty of curve balls. At least that has been my case. Lately an old Jewel song has been on my mind a lot. Particularly the following verse, "I've heard your anguish. I've heard your hearts cry out. We are tired, we are weary, but we aren't worn out. Set down your chains until only faith remains. Set down your chains and lend your voices only to sounds of freedom. No longer lend your strength to that, which you wish to be free from. Fill your lives with love and bravery and we shall lead a life uncommon." That dear friends is what I feel it takes to be able to move forward in this sometimes inexplicable yet beautiful magical gift called life. A lot of faith and an ability to set down our chains while opening our hearts allowing them to take us beyond logic.
In matters of the heart is precisely where my latest teacher has been sent to me by the universe at God's request. ;-) This teacher has revealed a lot about myself that I had denied myself for the sake of not doing the work to grow in that part of my life. I have always had the capacity to have it together when driven by the passion of my work and what it could mean to humanity and their hearts but when it has come to matters of my own heart I have stumbled with my faith. Seeing that written is just weird. I've come to realize that I have taken such a beating in my personal life, one which I of course contributed to by allowing it, that my heart shut down again. It wasn't until "nameless" came into my life that I realized yet again how shut down I was.
I have to admit that it would feel a bit awkward to expose all "nameless" has taught me but I will say that I am beyond grateful. I don't really know him well at all but I do know that I have tried to make him someone he is not to allow myself to remain closed off to the part of my life. Every man I have crossed paths with romantically except one ex-boyfriend has either cheated on me or asked me to have an affair with them. The latter I refused to do so because it went against everything that felt right to me. I still and will forever believe that regardless of monogamy issues all these men were meant to cross paths with me and teach me about myself and my faith. A faith I am struggling with in matters of the heart but one that is beginning to find its way back into my life one day at a time. I do realize "nameless" is not all the things I tease him he is in order to keep him at arm's length. For all the stupid mean things I have said I am sorry. What I do know is that when he is in the room I am happy and when he leaves I don't want him to. That is it. That is all I know and for today I trust that, that is all I need to know. I can see why the universe crossed our paths. As more is revealed I will live my way into the what next and if anything is meant to be he will be in that what next and if not I am grateful for what he has already taught me. I forgot how great it felt to smile at the thought of someone. All I know now is I am very very happy to know such a fun, goofy, free spirited soul whose striking beauty is just icing on the cake. ;-)
As I move forward into the what next I am excited about the possibilities and what life is bringing into fruition for me. I know that what is yet to come must be felt with the heart and not the mind. I have been here repeatedly and it doesn't get easy just easier. Something is brewing for me in this vast universe. Something far beyond what I can imagine and all I can do is prepare myself, my teachers, and students to be open to the miracle that God and the universe are preparing us for and TRUST in the wisdom of a universe that has shown me repeatedly it can handle far more than I can ever imagine. For now my heart remains open to this very moment and every moment because I know that in order to LIVE experiences that hold no true logic or explanation I must continue to dance to the rhythm of my heart and its song, which only I can hear and it is then that I will live A LIFE UNCOMMON. "Come on you unbelievers, move out of the way! There is a new army coming and we are armed with faith! To live, we must give." May you find it in you to be able to GIVE your all in order to LIVE your life uncommon.
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