Tuesday, April 20, 2010
2012 our END? An Entirely New Direction!
Today is my 2012 and my END is here. It is time to head in an Entirely New Direction. I've awaited this day like a young child awaits Santa full of hope yet anxious wondering if I may get a glimpse of this magical myth. ;-) My magic is being delivered by God through the universe at exactly 1:30pm today. It has been a moment four years in the making. A moment produced by me and my actions but conjured up by God and the universe. We are co creators of this journey and its experiences. I've found myself questioning everything about today and what led to it ever since seeing Clash of the Titans, twice, and Avatar three times. They have made me ponder so much and accept yet again that everything is subjective and none of us really know what is truly out there, if 2012 will or won't happen, and most of all that there are no guarantees.
All of these things make me realize that as hard as today may be in some aspects I am proud of everything I did that led to today's outcome. I lived, took leaps of faith, followed signs only I could understand, and most of all trusted in the wisdom of the universe and God's guidance through the signs. I wish I could tell you what today is about but it's about so many things it would take many blogs to make it make sense as a lot of factors contributed to me coming face to face with one of my biggest fears as I do today.
Clash of Titans and Avatar made me realize we all should follow what feels right to us, our passion, our hearts. Everything is subjective and perceived through your eyes based on your experience, I am not right nor are you. We are simply honoring ourselves and when we do we are able to forge ahead as what feel like insurmountable challenges arrive. While these films had antagonists presented in a very clear way sometimes what can seem like an antagonist is something that is there to help you along the way and show you exactly what you are made of, even if their presence in your story is hard to take. Which leads me to this. I believe in choice more than anything in the world! I believe how we choose to see things attracts just that and creates our reality. I co-created today in a lot of ways. That is the only danger in choice, that we attract what we believe, so my only hope is that you believe you deserve a blessed life and attract it.
As I think about the approaching 2012, will it happen or won't it, all I can think of is no one knows but here's what I do know. I know that if it does happen I am glad I am standing where I will be today and at the same time I don't wish where I will be standing today upon anyone. My journey however has taught me that everywhere it takes me is for a reason and leading me somewhere beyond my imagination and that is why I believe life to be magical. A magical beautiful mess with so much out of our control. If 2012 does come to be I feel that all the planet would be doing is responding like you or I would if someone pulled our hair or kicked us repeatedly with no remorse. You would, or least I know I would, eventually respond. As much as we'd all like to think we'd respond with love repeatedly I honestly think there would come a moment when you would have enough. I feel like our Mother Earth welcomed us with loving arms when we came into existence because it indeed loves us! I also believe we need to show more respect and love back!
I don't believe natural disasters, as highlighted in 2012- which I did not see, are a punishment from the Gods (Clash of Titans), Ewa (Avatar), Universe, or God etc. I believe the planet existed with restrictions and we thought ourselves able to ignore those restrictions because our minds combined with our egos believed we could figure it out and outsmart it. That magic we had as children that allowed us to believe in endless possibilities and their magic was replaced with arrogance and ignorance. To me nature is nature and it has a way of being which we have failed and continue to fail to respect so more repeatedly reactions are triggered. Earthquakes, tsunamis, volcano eruptions, etc. You name it. It's trying to adjust to being overpopulated, unappreciated, and abused. Think about it. If people threw trash on you, tried to build on you in ares you weren't meant to be built on, and borrowed some of your organs hoping that you would still function you too would respond in order to try to restore order to your being.
Am I scared and do I believe 2012 is the END? Yes I do believe the approach of 2012 is the end! An opportunity to embrace an Entirely New Direction that is!!! That's what today is for me. An end that is leading to a new beginning. I was given all the warning signs that this day was approaching and now I embrace it, will close my eyes at 1:30pm, and open them to embrace my Entirely New Direction which will lead to a new beginning. The truth is NONE of us know what will happen in 2012. Neither spiritual beings as I and others are labeled, nor scientists, religion leaders, presidents or know it alls ;-) know what will happen. The truth for me is that the only certainty is uncertainty which leads to the only constant thing being change. Keyword CHANGE! If all of us together change and work to coexist and respect our beautiful planet we call home I believe we can make 2012 about an Entirely New Direction and new beginning! All of these possibilities along with the fact that I am very aware that I am dying everyday make today exactly as it should be.
Like Avatar and Clash of the Titans I believe in something greater than us, which I have no problem calling God. I am fine with not only calling my belief God but also believing in something so magical which I can not see but which time and time again in my journey has proven to me its existence because as an adult I made a choice to redefine what God meant to me. This meant throwing out anything negative, guilt ridden, and that had to do with punishment. Like the lead characters in all those wonderful films I am making a choice to stand for something and that is what today is about. I am standing for the dreamers, believers, caretakers of the planet and everything on it and all who have been told something is impossible. While on the journey that led here I was shown that life happens on life's terms and that is what makes it a beautiful mess. No matter how messy it gets being here to experience the mess for me is beautiful!!! Today like everyday God is here with me to carry me through this into something more amazing by giving me the courage to let go of what I wish was and live what is.
Today I will face something I never believed I would face and certainly not what I wish was. But at 1:30pm pst the end arrives and a new beginning commences. My choices in the past four years along with life on life's terms are the beautiful mess that today is composed of. Four years of challenges, struggles but most of all beautiful blessings! I choose to believe that everything is as it should be and that today is unfolding for my best interest in the long run. As I close this chapter of my life story I can't wait to see what God and the universe are conspiring to bring into my life!!! Bev, Danielle V., and Mary Queen thank you for standing by me not only today but through the past four years that led me here.
My only hope for you is that like me you see the warnings mother nature is sending and live not only for you but for others and be concerned not only with where it will lead but also with how it will affect everyone and everything along the way. Every action has a consequence I hope your actions lead you to consequences that make you proud to be who you are! No matter where your journey leads if you honor yourself you will encounter challenges that produce not only character but also pain and what that pain arrives remember it isn't optional as it is part of being human but suffering is. I had made a choice not to suffer life is too beautiful for that.
I read not too long ago that the real test comes when you loose and I am finding that out today. Although I really don't believe in loss or failure. ;-) I'll leave you with what my therapist told me in 2005 right before I summoned the courage to produce my play and accept it was time to END the life I believed I deserved so I could live my way into a new beginning. "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over it became a butterfly." It's time to leave the icky cocoon spread my wings and fly in an Entirely New Direction!!!
This is for you God. Thank you for raising me up to walk on stormy seas! "I am strong when I am on your shoulders. You raise me up to more than I can be!" You more than anyone know why I did what I did. I love you!
Love your daughter, Adri
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Love truly is all around. If you open your heart you'll see it!
It was in watching Amelie again last night for the first time in a long time that I realized while my friend Jerry paid me a HUGE compliment when he said I reminded him of the character in the film, that I saw I was like her in too many ways and realized I had fallen into an old pattern. Just like Amelie I am terrified of opening my heart to love because I've been handed it back broken one too many times. But when her old fragile neighbor explains to her that he has a broken bone condition that doesn't allow him to be knocked down by life so he can't afford to he is metamorphically telling her to go for it. Why have a beating heart full of love and not use it?! It hit me like a ton of bricks. Like anyone else afraid to hurt again, especially after the most recent situation were due to its abrupt end I am left to wonder due to some of his behavior if he is more Jesse James than my ally, that I hide behind Zoey, my friends, and my wonderful beautiful blessed life.
I was left thinking when the film was done what good does it do me to affirm constantly that 2010 is the year of love when I am sitting at home closed off to the world busy putting all my energy into Zoey, non-profits I work with, a family situation- this I do have to help with or I'd be heartless, ;-) and my next project. All these are great excuses to reply when people ask me about love, "I'm fine I love my independence. The universe will conspire when it's meant to." Which by the way is not a lie. Ask my ex. He couldn't take that I didn't want to be with him everyday and I couldn't take not having time alone. I also believe the universe will conspire when the time is right. However I also know the universe can't conspire without my help. That is the main ingredient in manifesting the life you desire and deserve which consists of believing in it, being open to it, and working towards it. Somedays I feel like so many things aren't right just yet. Like I have somethings I have to take care of on my own in order to be able to give the love I believe any man in a relationship with me deserves. So while I see how I am hiding behind some things I also see that timing is everything and its just not time yet.
For starters I have to get over the fact that until my ex every man prior to him had been well a bit of a Jesse James. It's frightening to type that and see it not only because of the fear of infidelity but because I have to admit while my ex wasn't the man for me he did manage to have a beautiful quality which was that I came before anything else in his eyes. In this era of Tiger and Jesse it's frightening to open your heart. I am in an industry where for some reason people trick themselves into believing that morals and values don't apply to them. I was telling my sister the other day that all the times I've been propositioned by someone in a relationship my immediate answer was NO! It wasn't even something I had to think about. Even when someone I was deeply in love with confessed their feelings to me and asked me what to do I told him to walk away. I just don't see why you would ever want to do something that you would never want someone to do to you. I know it's far more complicated than that and things aren't black and white in some scenarios but I can honestly say I've never had an affair because it's not who I am. While I am human and struggled tremendously with the man I loved his girlfriend always came first and I always reminded him she existed and because of that I believe they are now married, even though the opposite has been interpreted. The truth after all is subjective. It's not in me to cheat but the possibility of others doing it to me has shut me off from the world. I had to admit to myself last night that I had fallen back into a pattern and fear was winning out.
I am grateful for awareness because it allows me to see what I am doing to prevent myself from living the life I deserve. Now that I see it clearly I can spread the love beyond Zoey, family, friends, non-profits, etc. I can take a risk when it feels right. I can trust that while I have encountered a lot of men who seem to want more than what feels right to me it doesn't mean every man is like that. I am realizing yet again that if I open my heart I will see that LOVE truly is all around me. While I believe it is time for me to manifest a beautiful one on one relationship with a man with a beautiful soul that doesn't mean I don't already see all the love that surrounds me and its plenty!!!
It's in walking my journey with complete awareness of my choices that I am able to see a love like no other. One that expects nothing in return and walks away with the feeling it derives from knowing it gave without expecting. That is the kind of love you know from doing for another. One intensified when doing for a complete stranger. While I have spent the last few months working with UNICEF I am not the only one doing for others without expectation. I happen to know some lovely ladies who are also contributing to others without expecting anything other than the well being of those they are working for. My friend Shari has a great site she put up just to help you, yes you, feel the love wherever you may be in this beautiful planet. You can't visit Sharing with Shari
and not feel the love so get over there and start feeling it.
This past weekend I finally attended my friend Alicia's fundraiser. Her fundraiser allows you to do for others while doing for yourself. What is it? Yoga with a cause. Take care of that hard working body of yours while you care for another. Both things well deserved. Alicia and I met online and realized pretty quickly that we were of like minds. Her work speaks to me on many levels. For starters it's for my country of origin Mexico and for children in an orphanage. Two of my nephews are adopted and I know first hand the importance of bringing a child who needs love into your life. While I haven't adopted Zoey I ponder it more and more everyday. It will be interesting to see how it unfolds but I don't need papers to tell me what I already know. I've learned that the term mother can be redefined. My life has shown me that. What it has also shown me is that children long to be cared for and loved!
While I expected Zoey to get mad at me when I set up rules, like clean your room or no more movies on the weekends and no more shopping until we give some stuff away or I'm coming to your school to see why your grades dropped so drastically in one report card letting her know that every action has a consequence and those consequences won't hurt me or her step dad but only her, she actually thanked me for loving her so much. Honestly it was not what I was expecting. I was expecting a roll of the eyes and storming off. This further proves that Alicia's work is crucial. Children need love and care. Not that it wasn't obvious before but caring for them is love. Even if you can't be there to mentor a life you can care in other ways. The orphanage is in desperate need of sponsors. One hundred and sixty dollars a month can change a life! You can read about sponsoring a child here, Tashirat Kids Orphanage
and can email Alicia at aliciagentz@mac.com with any questions.
So you see if we open our hearts we will find that love is all around no doubt. While I make my way through my doubts on the kind of love that will inspire me to create life with someone I have plenty of love to fall in love with. ;-) Carl Jung was very wise when he said that "Your vision will be clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks within, awakens." So I am looking within once again. I am facing my fears, walking through them, and opening up my heart to the love I deserve. I trust God will know when I am ready and will send in the universe to conspire not a minute too soon or a minute too late but like everything in my life, just in time, God's time.
I was left thinking when the film was done what good does it do me to affirm constantly that 2010 is the year of love when I am sitting at home closed off to the world busy putting all my energy into Zoey, non-profits I work with, a family situation- this I do have to help with or I'd be heartless, ;-) and my next project. All these are great excuses to reply when people ask me about love, "I'm fine I love my independence. The universe will conspire when it's meant to." Which by the way is not a lie. Ask my ex. He couldn't take that I didn't want to be with him everyday and I couldn't take not having time alone. I also believe the universe will conspire when the time is right. However I also know the universe can't conspire without my help. That is the main ingredient in manifesting the life you desire and deserve which consists of believing in it, being open to it, and working towards it. Somedays I feel like so many things aren't right just yet. Like I have somethings I have to take care of on my own in order to be able to give the love I believe any man in a relationship with me deserves. So while I see how I am hiding behind some things I also see that timing is everything and its just not time yet.
For starters I have to get over the fact that until my ex every man prior to him had been well a bit of a Jesse James. It's frightening to type that and see it not only because of the fear of infidelity but because I have to admit while my ex wasn't the man for me he did manage to have a beautiful quality which was that I came before anything else in his eyes. In this era of Tiger and Jesse it's frightening to open your heart. I am in an industry where for some reason people trick themselves into believing that morals and values don't apply to them. I was telling my sister the other day that all the times I've been propositioned by someone in a relationship my immediate answer was NO! It wasn't even something I had to think about. Even when someone I was deeply in love with confessed their feelings to me and asked me what to do I told him to walk away. I just don't see why you would ever want to do something that you would never want someone to do to you. I know it's far more complicated than that and things aren't black and white in some scenarios but I can honestly say I've never had an affair because it's not who I am. While I am human and struggled tremendously with the man I loved his girlfriend always came first and I always reminded him she existed and because of that I believe they are now married, even though the opposite has been interpreted. The truth after all is subjective. It's not in me to cheat but the possibility of others doing it to me has shut me off from the world. I had to admit to myself last night that I had fallen back into a pattern and fear was winning out.
I am grateful for awareness because it allows me to see what I am doing to prevent myself from living the life I deserve. Now that I see it clearly I can spread the love beyond Zoey, family, friends, non-profits, etc. I can take a risk when it feels right. I can trust that while I have encountered a lot of men who seem to want more than what feels right to me it doesn't mean every man is like that. I am realizing yet again that if I open my heart I will see that LOVE truly is all around me. While I believe it is time for me to manifest a beautiful one on one relationship with a man with a beautiful soul that doesn't mean I don't already see all the love that surrounds me and its plenty!!!
It's in walking my journey with complete awareness of my choices that I am able to see a love like no other. One that expects nothing in return and walks away with the feeling it derives from knowing it gave without expecting. That is the kind of love you know from doing for another. One intensified when doing for a complete stranger. While I have spent the last few months working with UNICEF I am not the only one doing for others without expectation. I happen to know some lovely ladies who are also contributing to others without expecting anything other than the well being of those they are working for. My friend Shari has a great site she put up just to help you, yes you, feel the love wherever you may be in this beautiful planet. You can't visit Sharing with Shari
and not feel the love so get over there and start feeling it.
This past weekend I finally attended my friend Alicia's fundraiser. Her fundraiser allows you to do for others while doing for yourself. What is it? Yoga with a cause. Take care of that hard working body of yours while you care for another. Both things well deserved. Alicia and I met online and realized pretty quickly that we were of like minds. Her work speaks to me on many levels. For starters it's for my country of origin Mexico and for children in an orphanage. Two of my nephews are adopted and I know first hand the importance of bringing a child who needs love into your life. While I haven't adopted Zoey I ponder it more and more everyday. It will be interesting to see how it unfolds but I don't need papers to tell me what I already know. I've learned that the term mother can be redefined. My life has shown me that. What it has also shown me is that children long to be cared for and loved!
While I expected Zoey to get mad at me when I set up rules, like clean your room or no more movies on the weekends and no more shopping until we give some stuff away or I'm coming to your school to see why your grades dropped so drastically in one report card letting her know that every action has a consequence and those consequences won't hurt me or her step dad but only her, she actually thanked me for loving her so much. Honestly it was not what I was expecting. I was expecting a roll of the eyes and storming off. This further proves that Alicia's work is crucial. Children need love and care. Not that it wasn't obvious before but caring for them is love. Even if you can't be there to mentor a life you can care in other ways. The orphanage is in desperate need of sponsors. One hundred and sixty dollars a month can change a life! You can read about sponsoring a child here, Tashirat Kids Orphanage
and can email Alicia at aliciagentz@mac.com with any questions.
So you see if we open our hearts we will find that love is all around no doubt. While I make my way through my doubts on the kind of love that will inspire me to create life with someone I have plenty of love to fall in love with. ;-) Carl Jung was very wise when he said that "Your vision will be clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks within, awakens." So I am looking within once again. I am facing my fears, walking through them, and opening up my heart to the love I deserve. I trust God will know when I am ready and will send in the universe to conspire not a minute too soon or a minute too late but like everything in my life, just in time, God's time.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Trusting in the results of my efforts.
I have to admit I have never been able to do what I did this past week and truly enjoy it like I did. I decided to take the week off and take care of myself by doing nothing but what I wanted to. I laid in bed, read magazines, caught up on emails, and went out to auditions and to catch up with friends. I LOVED my mundane week. I listened to friends and caught up on their lives and where their beautiful journey has or is taking them. I know come tomorrow its back to work and to Bear Fruit. Pun intended as the title of my next feature is Bearing Fruit. ;-)
As I came down from the high of watching my dream come to life I was left with one question, "Did my efforts pay off?" While I blogged about the journey for the most part I left stuff out that I wanted to stay just between me and God. Things no one needs to know. I prefer to not use names or point fingers because I believe in the end we buy our own payback/lesson with our actions. Yes we shoot ourselves in the foot, no one has to do it for us. What do I mean? Karma! I've seen it take place many of times in my life. So this time I around I just did what I could do as best as I could and continued to strive to take care of myself while taking care of others. I have a tendency to let my passion take over my life and leave taking care of myself for last. Not this time around.
When I felt that there was not more I could do and that I had done all I could I accepted that and moved forward. I hit a point where I knew that it was crucial to TRUST in the results of my efforts and know I couldn't control them. Especially since someone close to me spent a lot of time on this project looking at the glass as half empty no matter what we accomplished! I believe my lesson from this particular teacher was gratitude, gratitude that no matter where my journey takes me I am grateful for everything I am able to accomplish big or small. And no matter what they saw, in the end as I stood at the Roxy I was really proud and happy at how everything turned out and everything I witnessed that night. My eyes saw a beautiful evening for a beautiful cause and I witnessed the universe conspire once again. The ship made it ashore just fine after navigating foggy waters for quite a while. ;-) A lot of people came up to me at one point or another that evening and asked about the talent. The talent was amazing!!! Everything was truly beautiful. See for yourself. UNICEF Tap Project Benefit concert pictures
. Here I am with the Los Angeles Tap Project Team.
Here I am pointing at Sarah's belly because she has a Tap Project baby in there! Conceived while we worked on the project. ;-)
So now as I live my way into the what next and try to figure out how much effect we really had I have to remind myself that for me the most important thing is trust. Trust in God, the universe, their guidance and that everything is at it should be. We really did do a phenomenal job for six months. I can't speak for everyone but I know that I lived and breathed the UNICEF Tap Project every waking moment. It's time to let go and move on. TRUST that the children will be taken care of. My part of helping take care of them has been done. I have to trust that God and the universe have got it now. They guided me to and through what I needed to contribute to their well being and its done.
It sounds so weird to type it and see it. This six month journey is over. As I think back I am grateful that I hung in there. There were indeed plenty of opportunities to give up and walk away. I risked a lot and carried so much weight. Sometimes it felt like 100,000 pounds were resting just on my shoulders. Indeed they were but I knew and trusted that risking being crushed by that weight was worth it because I knew it would not crush me. I'd been here before and believe it or not it gets easier everytime. It's my surroundings that allow it to. You see I can honestly say this town's superficiality has gotten even the best of people. When I feel like I can't take one more conversation about who someone lives next to or what diet they are on because so and so is doing it or what designer is the latest trend I realize then that it is just that conversation that makes me realize what matters to me. I think I carry the weight on my shoulders because I can't be just one more person who cares about just me. I can't imagine a life where the most important thing was what I owned, who I hung out with, what I accomplished, and what I looked like to others.
Maybe I am in the town I'm in because it drives me to push harder down my path. The one I create for myself where every 100,000 pounds lying on my shoulders turn into something magical because I carried the weight through to the end and let it go just in time. It's about to be let go again just in time. April 20th to be exact. If you think of me that day perhaps say a prayer. I'm facing a fear face to face that day that has been a long time coming and as much as it choose me I choose it. As a result of my faith I took myself to some pretty risky places which includes April 20th and I am glad I did! I have lived amazing things and in the end believe in everything I have done in the past FOUR years that led to April 20th. I don't care what anyone thinks not because I am rude or insensitive but because what you think of me, my choices, or my journey is pointless. You aren't me you wouldn't understand why I have risked all I have. I would do everything in the past four years just the same if asked to do over because I trust in the wisdom of the universe and guidance of God that everything is as it should be to prepare me to live what I have aka the magical moments and help me grow. Even the stuff that truly sucks. And yes there have been things that tested my faith. Loosing friends, a soul mate, and being harshly judged by the people you deeply love. But I know my day has come and so has the day for all the children of the Tap Project. We will RISE! Appropriate because of the day I am typing this. ;-)
Often times we wonder why someone receives something, quickly judging that they weren't deserving of it. For example I saw so many posts about how Sandra Bullock did not deserve her award and while she was primarily being awarded for the performance she I believe had also earned it based on merit and her journey. One I can assume has not been easy since I have been in this town long enough to know that doing things your way is not what Hollywood desires. They simply want you to take a number, join the cattle call and wait for your turn. She didn't and what you and I don't know and do not need to know I believe earned her that Oscar. Believe in yourselves, your journey, and where it could take you REGARDLESS of what anyone else thinks. The most important thoughts are your own. Be sure you decipher between what is truly your thinking and others thinking.
My hope for you is that when life guides down a path where you are asked to take a HUGE risk that you take it and see where it leads you. That magic some envy in others lives has NOTHING to do with them being a good person or not. TRUST ME I've encountered some people with truly magical lives who aren't that great to themselves or others and when I questioned how they could be so successful while trying to take others down in the process I realized it's about the risk. The risk and taking it has nothing to do with being GOOD when the magic arrives. It's up to you to choose if you will do good with the reward your risk produces or if you will hoard it. For the sake of this planet and its evolution I hope you have the courage to do good no matter how difficult the journey down that path is. A lot of the time the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do. Trust me I've lived it but I've also lived its rewards and I'm about to go sit in one of its rewards. My car was a reward from a very difficult journey. While it's just a car it is a constant reminder that on April 20th God and the universe will show up once more.
HAPPY EASTER!!! MAY WHATEVER YOU BELIEVE IN CONTINUE TO GIVE YOU THE COURAGE TO LOVE YOURSELF, LIFE, AND EVERYONE AS BEST AS YOU CAN!
As I came down from the high of watching my dream come to life I was left with one question, "Did my efforts pay off?" While I blogged about the journey for the most part I left stuff out that I wanted to stay just between me and God. Things no one needs to know. I prefer to not use names or point fingers because I believe in the end we buy our own payback/lesson with our actions. Yes we shoot ourselves in the foot, no one has to do it for us. What do I mean? Karma! I've seen it take place many of times in my life. So this time I around I just did what I could do as best as I could and continued to strive to take care of myself while taking care of others. I have a tendency to let my passion take over my life and leave taking care of myself for last. Not this time around.
When I felt that there was not more I could do and that I had done all I could I accepted that and moved forward. I hit a point where I knew that it was crucial to TRUST in the results of my efforts and know I couldn't control them. Especially since someone close to me spent a lot of time on this project looking at the glass as half empty no matter what we accomplished! I believe my lesson from this particular teacher was gratitude, gratitude that no matter where my journey takes me I am grateful for everything I am able to accomplish big or small. And no matter what they saw, in the end as I stood at the Roxy I was really proud and happy at how everything turned out and everything I witnessed that night. My eyes saw a beautiful evening for a beautiful cause and I witnessed the universe conspire once again. The ship made it ashore just fine after navigating foggy waters for quite a while. ;-) A lot of people came up to me at one point or another that evening and asked about the talent. The talent was amazing!!! Everything was truly beautiful. See for yourself. UNICEF Tap Project Benefit concert pictures
. Here I am with the Los Angeles Tap Project Team.
Here I am pointing at Sarah's belly because she has a Tap Project baby in there! Conceived while we worked on the project. ;-)
So now as I live my way into the what next and try to figure out how much effect we really had I have to remind myself that for me the most important thing is trust. Trust in God, the universe, their guidance and that everything is at it should be. We really did do a phenomenal job for six months. I can't speak for everyone but I know that I lived and breathed the UNICEF Tap Project every waking moment. It's time to let go and move on. TRUST that the children will be taken care of. My part of helping take care of them has been done. I have to trust that God and the universe have got it now. They guided me to and through what I needed to contribute to their well being and its done.
It sounds so weird to type it and see it. This six month journey is over. As I think back I am grateful that I hung in there. There were indeed plenty of opportunities to give up and walk away. I risked a lot and carried so much weight. Sometimes it felt like 100,000 pounds were resting just on my shoulders. Indeed they were but I knew and trusted that risking being crushed by that weight was worth it because I knew it would not crush me. I'd been here before and believe it or not it gets easier everytime. It's my surroundings that allow it to. You see I can honestly say this town's superficiality has gotten even the best of people. When I feel like I can't take one more conversation about who someone lives next to or what diet they are on because so and so is doing it or what designer is the latest trend I realize then that it is just that conversation that makes me realize what matters to me. I think I carry the weight on my shoulders because I can't be just one more person who cares about just me. I can't imagine a life where the most important thing was what I owned, who I hung out with, what I accomplished, and what I looked like to others.
Maybe I am in the town I'm in because it drives me to push harder down my path. The one I create for myself where every 100,000 pounds lying on my shoulders turn into something magical because I carried the weight through to the end and let it go just in time. It's about to be let go again just in time. April 20th to be exact. If you think of me that day perhaps say a prayer. I'm facing a fear face to face that day that has been a long time coming and as much as it choose me I choose it. As a result of my faith I took myself to some pretty risky places which includes April 20th and I am glad I did! I have lived amazing things and in the end believe in everything I have done in the past FOUR years that led to April 20th. I don't care what anyone thinks not because I am rude or insensitive but because what you think of me, my choices, or my journey is pointless. You aren't me you wouldn't understand why I have risked all I have. I would do everything in the past four years just the same if asked to do over because I trust in the wisdom of the universe and guidance of God that everything is as it should be to prepare me to live what I have aka the magical moments and help me grow. Even the stuff that truly sucks. And yes there have been things that tested my faith. Loosing friends, a soul mate, and being harshly judged by the people you deeply love. But I know my day has come and so has the day for all the children of the Tap Project. We will RISE! Appropriate because of the day I am typing this. ;-)
Often times we wonder why someone receives something, quickly judging that they weren't deserving of it. For example I saw so many posts about how Sandra Bullock did not deserve her award and while she was primarily being awarded for the performance she I believe had also earned it based on merit and her journey. One I can assume has not been easy since I have been in this town long enough to know that doing things your way is not what Hollywood desires. They simply want you to take a number, join the cattle call and wait for your turn. She didn't and what you and I don't know and do not need to know I believe earned her that Oscar. Believe in yourselves, your journey, and where it could take you REGARDLESS of what anyone else thinks. The most important thoughts are your own. Be sure you decipher between what is truly your thinking and others thinking.
My hope for you is that when life guides down a path where you are asked to take a HUGE risk that you take it and see where it leads you. That magic some envy in others lives has NOTHING to do with them being a good person or not. TRUST ME I've encountered some people with truly magical lives who aren't that great to themselves or others and when I questioned how they could be so successful while trying to take others down in the process I realized it's about the risk. The risk and taking it has nothing to do with being GOOD when the magic arrives. It's up to you to choose if you will do good with the reward your risk produces or if you will hoard it. For the sake of this planet and its evolution I hope you have the courage to do good no matter how difficult the journey down that path is. A lot of the time the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do. Trust me I've lived it but I've also lived its rewards and I'm about to go sit in one of its rewards. My car was a reward from a very difficult journey. While it's just a car it is a constant reminder that on April 20th God and the universe will show up once more.
HAPPY EASTER!!! MAY WHATEVER YOU BELIEVE IN CONTINUE TO GIVE YOU THE COURAGE TO LOVE YOURSELF, LIFE, AND EVERYONE AS BEST AS YOU CAN!
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