Yesterday I decided to get back to work on something that I spoke about with a publisher in January. I had not felt that what I needed to do for that specific creative venture was ready. I am a big believer that if you will your way into living moments instead of allowing them to organically unfold you end up not truly living what you wanted. So one of my biggest lessons in life has been learning to decipher between when I am giving up and when I am letting things organically unfold, letting go and letting God. For a recovering perfectionist learning to differentiate is crucial for progress and in that process I've learned that progress not perfection is key for my way of life and to be able to strike a balance allowing me to learn when to let go.
I believe there is a yearning inside all of us, which I call my God compass, guiding us towards our purpose. Along the way to that purpose a road is paved filled with situations which I call life on life's terms. On that road many things appear which I have learned are there to give me the strength, courage, will, tenacity, faith and passion among other things I pray for. Perhaps the biggest lesson that has come from following my God compass which has led me to my own road paved for me and my purpose or destiny is that choosing to go on is solely up to me. Not following this road I am on is always and will always be an option. One I have yet to choose solely because that yearning inside all of us doesn't leave some just choose to ignore it. Mine is too loud to ignore and it becomes ever more present as I bid farewell to people I once knew and watch them become part of the other side of this earth.
Which brings me to today and why I have chosen to go back to this creative venture I had put to rest temporarily awaiting for it to organically find its way out of my being and into the world. Yesterday in the midst of things seemingly continuing to fall apart around me I heard that it was time to finish this venture and turn it in as I had agreed to do so back in January. So I got back to work on it. To do so I chose to make a list of all the rejections and challenges I have endured in the past year which was kicked off by April 20,2010 and topped off by the event of May 14, 2011. I told a friend after compiling this list that based on all these rejections I wished I could believe I was wrong on this path but I didn't. That even when doubt befriended me trying to make me think I perhaps was my God compass aka intuition quietly but firmly chimed in saying you are not, be still and be patient. Prompting me to recall words I had run across not too long ago, "It is the still, small voice that the soul heeds, not the deafening blasts of doom" and perhaps that is why I kept being told to be still so I could hear in the silence the voice of certainty which has yet to stir me wrong.
I trust that more than anything because since running across Emerson's words in 2008,"Adopt the pace of nature, her secret is patience", as I was diagnosed with a stress induced premature heart beat I have learned what can come of patience, timing, and faith. While I was talking to my friend the following arrived in an email and in awe of it's timing I read it to her, "Trying to distract yourself won't work. Your option? Understand that if you weren't right here, right now, the next link in the chain of events that will make up the story of your life wouldn't be forged. There. Makes it easier to be patient, doesn't it?" She immediately suggested I save it and it was then that informed her I had done it like I do with all things I consider signs or God communicating with me through the universe. Why was I in such awe? Well what I am working on happens to be the story of my life. ;-)
Not only do I find solace in trying moments in my God compass but it's the arrival of such perfectly written words that reassures me I am not wrong as circumstances may sometimes try and make me feel. I refuse to be a victim of circumstance. On my path to recovery from being a perfectionist I have learned that rejection is God's protection. I used believe that if I was truly perfect I wouldn't be rejected. I am so in love with the woman I am at thirty-four and the beliefs I have chosen to adapt, which are far from those in my twenties yet I am grateful the insecure perfectionist mess I was in my twenties led me here. Without those years I would not be getting ready to rise once again after a brief rest period and turn this venture in. It's ironic how when I was a mess I would bend over backwards to please others in my line of work and be the actor they wanted me to be so I booked more work then. Now I honor only what feels right to my essence and being and while work may not flow as easily as it once did now I get to be behind the work I put out into the world and take responsibility for how I contribute to the planet while I am here and the feeling that comes with that is something no paycheck could make me feel! The only finger I get to point now for my work and its quality is at me and I love it that way.
Reflecting on that long list of challenges and rejections the answer I am longing for these days I found myself living my way into by choosing to focus on my project. That old saying that sometimes annoys us when it is said to us, time heals all wounds, has repeatedly proven true for me. Time is healing the pain of all these things on the list. While some like the passing of Neil and my father I would rather not denote on the list but they are realities and I trust they are part of what is making me the woman I am choosing to be. Time has slowly allowed me to not only heal these wounds and make my way through the challenges but most of all understand the dance of life. Doors have seemingly been closing non-stop for me since last April and one big one was closed this past Saturday the 14th. I say seemingly because if I truly believe that rejection is God's protection than between the adopting the pace of nature, trusting in timing and that pretty amazing horoscope that arrived yesterday I can see clearly beyond the darkness into the light of the my destiny being whispered to me through these signs. Signs that can only truly be understood by me. It is my choice to believe in them over the doubt the presence of challenges brings that allows me to in time be ready to move forward as I am today.
In my heart I know based on experience and beliefs that have risen from those experiences that God must really love me. You see if rejection is God's protection and for a little over a year I have been in transition constantly having doors of rejection shut in my face then I believe I am just where I meant to be. After all I see all those doors closing as God saying "Nope Adriana not yet. What I have for you and what you are worthy of lies behind one of the most unique doors with a big yes on it and you won't have to kick it down you will simply turn with ease the lock on it and behind it find everything you dreamt of and more." After all someone very wise said God can dream bigger dreams than we can dream for ourselves and I whole heartily believe that is what I am being led to. That in time, God's time, I will arrive at that door and unlock it with ease. For now the trick is to never stop trying to unlock doors and to never be discouraged as life seemingly falls apart
around me for it is all bringing me closer to God, my understanding of God.
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