Just for today I want to run away from it all. Neil's death, my father's death, almost loosing my home twice in the past year, my angel girl being hospitalized and every thing that I had not planned on. Everything that was not my vision but became my reality. I want to just run home and have my mother hold me in her arms and tell me everything is and will be okay. I can't do that because my mom is the kind of mom who loves so much and gives so much that she fears for all of her seven children so much. She doesn't take too well to me being detoured and just wants an absolutely smooth ride for me with no bumps in the road. I presume the day I hold my first born in my arms and look into his/her eyes I will understand the depth of her love. I can't even tell her what I am currently growing through because I know it will break her heart.
My ego has come under attack. I've been informed that who I am here on my blog and in the world's eyes as exposed through my work is not who I am. Perception. It's such a beautiful yet tricky thing. Yet I welcome it and understand that people will always see the world as they are not as it is. To some I may be a saint and to some, especially when I take care of myself and do what feels right to me not what is overall right, I am far from a saint. Perhaps my ability to stand firmly in my beliefs even when everything I stand for and voice is under attack comes from that same mother who loves too much. If it's possible to love too much. The one who raised seven kids on her own. Who fought when she needed to fight and who lost and learned and loved and grew. I am my mother's daughter after all.
So as I lay on my couch contemplating the third "attack" from a third source in a month it is within I choose to go. I must seek the answers within. I must yet again be still and trust what feels right to me. I smile recalling the words my friend AJ quoted when I was kicked out of book club, "Well behaved woman rarely make history." ;-) I will not always be liked especially when I don't see things as others see them. I understand. As sad as I am today I've learned that it is okay to not be liked even if it hurts. I am human after all. Not being liked will not keep me from standing firmly in my beliefs even if those beliefs are accused of being false. Again perception. We are all entitled to it. As much as I am entitled to speak of what I believe people are entitled to accuse me of being the opposite of my beliefs.
I wish I could agree with them but all that would do is temporarily put a band aid on a cut which needs to heal. I need to heal. They need to heal and eventually we can agree to disagree. I will continue to do so from a place of love even if I am accused otherwise. I understand what hurt and disappointment can cause all of us to see. All I stand for was summed up in my calendar's daily quote, "True prayer is not asking God for love, it is learning to love and to include all mankind in one affection." MB Eddy. I will continue to be love in all my actions while taking care of myself. I have said it before and I will say again, being love does not mean I am a doormat and offering expression of things without limits does not mean you go before me and I will go last and endure pain for your happiness. My twenties are over! Thank God. ;-) But interpretation of my beliefs is all yours and I am okay with that because I have fallen into arms of love.
My friends who never seize to amaze me! They don't always agree with me which is in fact very healthy. Some of them have disagreed with me so much we take breaks from eachother to heal our feelings and come back to eachother from a place of love. Life's too short for anything else! So today they answered the call of my wounded heart. Paul let me cry in his ear. Eric let me vent in his ear and Danielle let me joke with her about the lips of another touching the lips of the one I long to kiss adding salt to my current wound. Somethings I don't need to see. ;-) I like to think that in the midst of it all I smile at life because it is always smiling at me. Bev answered the phone to hear me say "I did not envision this unfolding this way. I have become her in more ways than I intended to! Now all that is missing is the light making its way into my life and not rescuing me but holding my hand through all this growth. After all in it is written in the pages of her life and mine." Synchronicity or life imitating art. Cue the music, set the lighting, the mood and in he comes. Okay my life is not a movie. ;-)
So in my reality I am faced with the choice to continue to be me and hold high regard for all I have lived which has made me the woman I am today. To continue to love me when others loath me. To not be silenced by the fears of what other's may interpret or choose to believe. To continue to trust in my idea of God and the universe. To know that like always I am being guided by them and even this is part of the plan to hopefully make all of us involved better people and better able to take care of ourselves and our beliefs even if they oppose eachother. In opposition I have found out exactly who I am and what I stand for. May you do the same. May you voice your beliefs and allow others to voice theirs. May you continue to stand firmly in them even when you are disliked for them! Above all like one of the most inspiring women whose life story I have seen a million times, may you TRUST YOURSELF, YOUR UNDERSTANDING OF GOD, AND YOUR IDEA OF WHAT IS RIGHT. Like me may you also learn that it is okay to sit with the sadness of one incredibly tough year trusting that the sun whether it can be seen or not is always there. God I know you are with me. Let's carry on! "When the storm breaks some are dumb with terror and some spread their wings and soar!" Time to soar yet again. Dearest FEAR, thank you for encouraging me to use my voice and for making me the woman I am today! See you on the battlfield. At this point you should recognize me. I am the one armed with love and as always sending you love! <3 Interpret that as you wish as I trust you will.
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