Saying goodbye to my father.

It's truly amazing what a difference a day makes. Yesterday I sat at a coffee shop with Ryan and Lisa full of hope for what the future would bring all of us no matter our chosen paths and one day later I am trying as best as I can to say goodbye to my father. Ismael Garza Galindo co-created my sister Mercedes and I with my mom. The last time I saw him I was seven years old. In my heart I never thought I would never seen him again. I believed one day God would conspire to cross our paths again. For years I looked for him and was always met with a dead end like the last time I tried with the help of my sister in law Anabella. After that day I decided to let go and let God after finding that the number we had was no longer his. I remember thinking in the moment if it's meant to be it will be.

In July of 2008 I got a call from my agent saying she had received a call from a man claiming to be my father who had asked for my number. She explained to him she could not give out my personal information but would pass his number on to me. I can recall like it was yesterday the shock that took over my body when she mentioned his name. A name I barely mentioned to people who weren't close to me. Few knew of him but those close to me did know I longed to speak with him again. You see I grew up telling myself I was okay without him and when I told people the story of how my parents split up I would follow it with I'm okay as they gave me their sorry look. I was so out of touch with my feelings I had actually tricked myself into believing that I was okay.

After witnessing my bestfriend's relationship with her dad it dawned on me that I was not okay and I admitted it to my therapist at the time. For months I cried finally allowing myself to be in touch with what I truly felt, it sucked! Not having my dad around really had left a huge gap in my life and hole in my heart. The one thing I was able to share with my therapist that I never dared to share with my family for fear of hurting them was that I had a very different perspective of my father than the rest of my family. I was the youngest of the seven so I didn't live what they lived and had been too young to comprehend the hurt he caused my family. I longed for my dad. I longed to know what it was like to ask him for his opinion. To share my fears, hopes and dreams with him. To know what the person who had helped give me the gift of life was like. Who he was.

I never got that opportunity and after meeting the continous dead ends I trusted all was as it should be and in my best interest even if it hurt. After getting that call from my agent I knew the time had come. Not knowing how to tell my family I opted to only tell my friend Bev. She suggested I take twenty-four hours to think about it and then call him. I had waited TWENTY-FOUR YEARS for this moment so there was no way I could wait another minute. I had no idea what I would say but I trusted that if God had brought me to it God would bring me through it. So I picked up the phone and dialed his number. A woman answered the phone and I asked for him. When he came to the phone the first word to come out of my mouth was, papa (father). I had not spoken to him in twenty-four years but the most natural thing for me was to call him by what he was to me.

I was amazed at how calm I was. We spoke of my family. He asked if I was married or engaged. He told me he had always thought of me, something I often wondered about, and that I was his favorite and would always be. He told me he saw all my accomplishments online and was very proud of me. After chatting for a few minutes I told him there was something I wanted to say. I was finally able to tell him I forgave him and wished God accompanied him on the rest of his journey. He said I would never know how much my words meant to him and that resentment hurt only the person who held it. A belief I share with him. He asked if he could have my number and I said no. I told him it didn't feel right for now but that he knew how to get a hold of me through my agent. As I got off the phone my voice finally started to give way to the feelings of what I had just lived. I was left thinking that when you let go and trust things will happen when they are supposed to.

Slowly I began to share with some of my family what had occured. Some actually found out late last year. To my surprise all thought it was great. I had asked one of my brothers to accompany me to see him when the time felt right. Now I will never be able to see that day come to be as today I got the call that he had passed away Tuesday. He had shared with me that he had cancer but was in remission. In my heart I believed I would see him someday but today I found out God had other plans. As I sat across from Denise as my brother told me the news I didn't know what to feel. Sadness took over me but immediately I told myself to be strong. To suck it up. I played the part for as long as I could until my body gave way to what I was feeling on the way back from my production meeting in Malibu. It gave way so much I had to stop and ask Lisa to drive as my reality hit me. It hit me pretty hard. The man I called dad would no longer exist in human form. The only option now was to carry him with me in my heart as I always had.

He had made some pretty huge mistakes and hurt my family tremendously but above all he was my father. Since my phone conversation with him I had always pictured myself holding him in my arms kissing his forehead telling him all I told him over the phone giving him the love his childhood never afforded him. In my heart I know he knows that if I could I would hold him close and tell him I trust he is finally at peace. A peace his choices in life and circumstances never afforded him. I know God has you in his arms now and he is kissing your forehead the way I always thought I would dad. Please know that I will always remember sitting next to you for breakfast at the Carrows off the ten in El Paso. Just you and your little girl. Please dad know that no matter what I always loved you and I am glad I got to tell you all I wanted to say. My prayers are with all of your twelve kids, your spouse and anyone else who is finding out they will never hear your voice again. You gave me the gift of life and for that I am eternally grateful. I will see you in my children and I know you are watching out for me. Please tell Neil, my grandfather, and God hello. I'll see you when the universe conspires, one sweet day. God speed papa.


After getting the call I went to be with nature and bid him farewell. This is what the sky did while I spoke with him. As soon as I walked away the sun left. Clearly he was telling me he heard me and he was okay. If this is merely a glimpse I can only begin to imagine the beauty of where you are now.

In 2011 I resolve to love, hold your hand, and stand by you.

It is hard to believe it's January 1, 2011. The year truly flew by. It feels like it was just yesterday that I was writing about my 2010 resolutions and producing the UNICEF benefit all while preparing for April 20,2010 and now all of it is a thing of the past. It's interesting how all those moments we desperately long for truly do come and go quickly. The older I get the quicker time goes and the more important it is for me to focus on being present. I remember the day when I packed up my belongings in two suitcases, took my savings ($400), and bought a one way ticket to Los Angeles like it was yesterday yet that was fifteen years ago this month! I was nineteen and after my boss Elaine, at the Black Eyed Pea, told me I was meant for more in the kitchen of the restaurant I decided to pack up and leave. Even after I had registered at the University of Texas El Paso. She saw in my eyes what I knew in my heart, I wanted to persue a career in the arts. Something I feel really shouldn't of shocked people as much as it did as I had spent one of my years in high school at a Televisa Fine Arts School after spending all my life raised in the arts.

I remember returning from Televisa in Mexico City at the end of 1994 feeling like Los Angeles was such a distant world but yearning to discover it. After graduating from High School in 95' I finally made the leap in 96' partially thanks to Elaine. I think back on these past fifteen years and I am in awe of how everything I feared would not come to pass not only came to pass but the reality exceeded my dream. I remember thinking I will never be SAG and it's been almost eleven years since I became a SAG member. I remember thinking I will never book a National commercial and I will always be stuck in regional land. I booked my first National in Janaury of 2001. Ten years ago! Same goes with my play, my Paulo Coelho film and now my current project. All the career accomplishments that felt so distant eventually came to pass and so does life. It passes you by if you aren't present in it. I have tried so hard after getting diagnosed with a STRESS induced premature heart beat in 2008 to be present and go with the flow of the universe and God's guidance while accepting that what is meant to happen will, just not always on my time or my way. In the process I've learned that speeding up the journey on my end will accomplish nothing but an inabilty to recall the moments or enjoy them. It's something I have to work on everyday and sometimes I fail but I am grateful for my awareness.

While I am always driven by my dreams and my calling this past year has taught me the importance of fulfilling all dreams and not just career dreams. Since I don't like keeping up with appearances or lies I will say that at thirty-four I definitely saw myself married with a bun in the oven creating a family of my own. Well...SUPRISE!!! Just kidding. ;-) I trust in the wisdom of the universe and God's guidance but I also know that when something comes into our lives we can sabotage it if we feel inadequate, unworthy, or let our minds trick us into believing we aren't ready by taking the other person apart. I don't struggle work wise with that but when it comes to love, while I have believed and continue to do so that timing is everything, I can also see how I have hurt myself by sabotaging things by repeating a pattern when someone who is willing, open, ready, and most importantly AVAILABLE shows up.

So this year I resolve to truly make every effort possible to stop sabotaging my love life in order to live in the comfort of the known. To truly step out on the edge of the plank and jump in when the opportunity presents itself again. I resolve to stop listening to everyone else and their thoughts on what that jump could cost my work and listen to my heart instead. This way I won't be going against my heart and actually following it in personal matters as well. Sorry guys I love you but come on Adriana, you who gives the life is too short speech is letting others sway you into believing work comes before love?! No more. I resolve to hold his hand and his heart too if he allows it. I resolve to be open and ready and to stop finding ways to make him think otherwise or that I am indifferent. I resolve to show up and be me. Afterall the worst that could happen is I fall flat on my face but let's face it I've done that before and I'm still standing so it's time to LIVE my way into what I fear may never come to pass. It's time to stop worrying that someone who will take me just as I am will ever come along, stop sabotaging it when he shows up and just be present. That is my resolution!

This year I will not just resolve to be open to love and its endless possibilities like I have in the past but to be present and ready to receive the gift of LOVE! Finally trusting what my therapist told me years ago, "there is no wrong with the right man", so I will be me and hope he shows up as himself too. No more getting in my own way! I resolve to let the flow of the universe guide me and to allow God to bless me with the love I deserve! Most of all I resolve to have fun and stop thinking so much, to just let things be. I resolve to give birth to the most beautiful miracle of existing in human form, LOVE! 2011 IS MY YEAR OF LOVE AND I AM READY TO ALLOW THE UNIVERSE TO CONSPIRE!

P.S. I also resolve to love you, my family and my friends as best as I can everyday and to give everyday my all while allowing myself to rest and make mistakes too. I resolve to continue to do unseen things everyday that can impact the planet, you, and me in the best of ways. I resolve to continue to see what a gift the present is and I resolve to BE ME! Lastly I resolve to hold your hand should you need one to hold even if I don't know you, I promise to reach out and help you up if you allow me to. ;-) Here's to all the magical miracles 2011 will bring us all!

Oh and as far as everything 2010 brought including April 20,2010 if I had to do over again I would do it the exact same way. Make every choice I made all over again for every choice led me on a journey to making me the woman I am today. So I resolve to not regret the past but be grateful for its lessons for it showed me how AMAZING my friends and family are as they stood by me and helped me not be consumed by the fire I stood in. Oh and hopefully by now he's caught on that when I say dumb things it's my fear speaking and maybe just maybe he has compassion for me. So I resolve to have commpassion for myself and nerves around him. ;-) Hopefully he'll be willing, open, and most of all READY to join my friends, become my friend and stand by me too.

The END is here! Time for an Entirely New Direction! Welcome 2011!!! I'll leave you with some inspiration that the lovely Jessica shared with me reminding me that my time has come to rise again and so I shall. Hope that in 2011 you rise to the challenge too and in the process find out exactly what you are made of!

The Lessons of 2010.

I don't know where to begin as I feel the lessons of this year are endless. Perhaps the one that stands out the most is acceptance of what is and letting go of what I wish was. The more I live the more I come to understand that the key to happiness is accepting our circumstances and not being victims of them. My happiness doesn't depend on an accomplishment or waiting for something or someone to bring it into my life. Happiness is a choice. One I consciously choose.

A lot has happened this year that I never imagined would and not in the the follow your heart, live your passion and win an award with a car way but in the life brought me down to my knees way and allowed me to find out who could genuinely kneel by my side, hold my hand and help me up way. I found out who could be there when the awards or red carpet, aka known as proof that I am not throwing my life away, weren't. While the people who couldn't don't even make up the count on one hand they still stand out because for years they stood by me and I loved them and lived amazing experiences with them. I will be eternally grateful for them but I learned that I can't keep anyone in my life at the expense of being me or living my dreams because life is too short.

The lesson of life being short came again in the most abrupt of ways and turned my world upside down. I hit the lowest of bottoms and fell into a deep sea of fear only to be eventually found by a tremendously huge rescue boat of faith after what felt like too long. The amount of fear and horrible thoughts of dying caught me by surprise as I have spent years in therapy and al anon working very hard to overcome the fears that come with being aware of how powerless I am over a lot. While the lesson in that fear was that I am human like everyone else perhaps the biggest one was that while fear and worry are sometimes inevitable it is ultimately faith that is a necessity in order to LIVE.

My faith was temporarily taken from me and sometimes I still struggle but at the end of the day I share a sentiment with Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Everything I have seen teaches me to trust the creator for all I have not seen." Somethings in life like Neil's abrupt departure will shake my faith but ultimately I trust in a plan even if it's one that came with what feels like to me TOO HIGH A PRICE, as he was one of the utmost character driven men I have ever crossed paths with whose family was his first love. Three months since he collapsed in his backyard while gardening and left us I still feel terribly sad but immensely grateful I was thought worthy of crossing paths with him and learning from him.

My mom jokingly got "annoyed" with my life is short speech and as I lay on the living room floor by the Christmas tree looking up at her I realized this year had yet again brought a lesson I have lived before. The best things in life aren't things, they are moments. The moments we take to stop and look at our lives and see how blessed we are just to exist and have one more day to give it our all and be able to accept that giving it our all is ultimately all we are in control of.

I tried desperately to avoid April 20, 2010 yet God and the universe decided that lesson was necessary for me. While I don't feel ready to share the details of that lesson, which I know someday I will (timing), I will say this. Cher sings "I've been brought down to my knees and I've been pushed way past the point of the breaking but I can take it. I'll be back, back on my feet. This is far from over, you haven't seen the last of me. You don't know me you don't know who I am, don't count me out so fast." What this lesson taught me the most about myself is that I am capable of standing up again even when challenges knock me down so hard it feels like they will not allow me to stand again and move forward.

What you should know is that because of my mom, Bev, Mary Queen, Paul Rodriguez, Lisa Skarveles, Randy Kent, Jennifer Marie, Neil, Michael Mullen, Shari and countless other friends I found the strength to stand again. Nothing is ever accomplished alone. NOTHING! Don't ever let anyone's ego make you believe otherwise. It just isn't. To me if there was ever proof of a God or higher power existing it would lie in the way everyday "angels" come to your rescue just when you need it the most and as usual right on time, God's time, not a minute too soon or a minute too late. ;-)

So as I take this plane ride back to the place I've chosen to make my home and leave my family and birthplace behind I walk away grateful for the moments I shared with them once again. Even when I was finally pushed over the edge by one of my brothers and I responded in a not so kind way (@#%$#***) for him to leave me alone, I am grateful I was there to be his target and that he was there to annoy me. I am glad I got to wake up under the same roof as my parents, sisters, niece, and cries of my youngest nephew. While my mom began her days hurriedly as she always has and I believe always will I realized acceptance of who she is and who all of my family is, is crucial in order for me to see the beauty in my time with them. I hope they can see past my "flaws" and into my beauty too. ;-)

As 2010 comes to an end I prepare myself to continue navigating the uncharted waters of this sea I call my life. I do not know what 2011 will bring but I hold all hope that Esperanza will help me bear fruit. Something only those involved in my latest production can understand. ;-) And while I may not understand a lot of what 2010 brought me I continue to believe that all of it is leading exactly to where I need to go in order to answer this calling of mine. So if that means I may be pushed down to my knees again with challenges then while I am down there I will pray for the strength to know what to do when I am ready to stand again and most of all to have the COURAGE to do it because it is in standing again that I am able to LIVE the MIRACLES God and the universe have been guiding me to. Trust me this is far from over for me. It has just begun.

As I move forward I will continue to live by the words of Thomas Jefferson, "In matters of style swim with the current, in matters of principle stand like a rock." Although I must admit in matters of style I stand like a rock in my individuality too. My passion allows me to live by this, "No matter what you say this show is ending our (my) way. We're (I'm) gonna stand our (my) ground for FREEDOM, BEAUTY, TRUTH, and LOVE." Those are the principles I live by when it comes to my work and no duke/maharasha could ever entice me otherwise, never. Believe me I've lived it, more than once. ;-) At the time I was terribly saddened by meeting the people behind the image and realizing how they believed everything has a price. Once the sadness left I realized God had chosen that my path cross with these men so I could get one of the biggest lessons of my life, I am not for sale. I choose to be a child of revolution so come what may I will love myself and my principles first even if that means things will take a little longer to come to fruition because ultimately it will give birth to my gift, my song.

I crossed paths with the wizard, saw behind the curtain and stood firmly in my principles! By continuing to do so I trust that in due time I will once again DEFY GRAVITY! May your lessons allow you to live your life guided by your one true compass and voice, your gut, while remembering that the most important things in life can not be seen or touched but MUST BE FELT WITH THE HEART! Here's to an amazing 2011 for all of us! May your lessons allow your dreams to become your reality and may you find someone to fly the broom with you and navigate the skies of life with you! <3

This blog is dedicated to my family who helped me finish 2010 in the most beautiful of ways, in their presence.

Finding my way through a life uncommon.

Anyone who knows me knows I don't believe in coincidences. I believe everything happens for a reason even when in the moment it feels like wrong timing for what is happening. Everyday is an opportunity for me to fight or accept the flow of the universe and guidance of God. While I may not always do it perfectly, I prefer to do the latter. There is something to be said for accepting that a lot is out of our control but also that it's very important that we are aware of what is in our control and handle that as best as we can. A lot has happened this past year as I have mentioned in previous blogs and as the year is coming to an end a lot continues to happen. I don't have the ability to lie nor would I ever want to so I must be truthful and say that somethings I wish did not happen but continue to trust that whether I can see it or not they are ultimately in my best interest. The road I am on these days keeps constantly changing and just when I know where I am headed I get a detour.

Some days because my body and mind are tired I want it to just be easier. It's like I told Lisa the other day after she asked if I was okay after getting some not so great news, "I realize my faith is what it is because of situations like this but sometimes I wish it was easier." However based on what I have lived I have come to believe and understand that anything worth while and brought into our lives to help us grow and find out exactly what we are made of will take time and throw us plenty of curve balls. At least that has been my case. Lately an old Jewel song has been on my mind a lot. Particularly the following verse, "I've heard your anguish. I've heard your hearts cry out. We are tired, we are weary, but we aren't worn out. Set down your chains until only faith remains. Set down your chains and lend your voices only to sounds of freedom. No longer lend your strength to that, which you wish to be free from. Fill your lives with love and bravery and we shall lead a life uncommon." That dear friends is what I feel it takes to be able to move forward in this sometimes inexplicable yet beautiful magical gift called life. A lot of faith and an ability to set down our chains while opening our hearts allowing them to take us beyond logic.

In matters of the heart is precisely where my latest teacher has been sent to me by the universe at God's request. ;-) This teacher has revealed a lot about myself that I had denied myself for the sake of not doing the work to grow in that part of my life. I have always had the capacity to have it together when driven by the passion of my work and what it could mean to humanity and their hearts but when it has come to matters of my own heart I have stumbled with my faith. Seeing that written is just weird. I've come to realize that I have taken such a beating in my personal life, one which I of course contributed to by allowing it, that my heart shut down again. It wasn't until "nameless" came into my life that I realized yet again how shut down I was.

I have to admit that it would feel a bit awkward to expose all "nameless" has taught me but I will say that I am beyond grateful. I don't really know him well at all but I do know that I have tried to make him someone he is not to allow myself to remain closed off to the part of my life. Every man I have crossed paths with romantically except one ex-boyfriend has either cheated on me or asked me to have an affair with them. The latter I refused to do so because it went against everything that felt right to me. I still and will forever believe that regardless of monogamy issues all these men were meant to cross paths with me and teach me about myself and my faith. A faith I am struggling with in matters of the heart but one that is beginning to find its way back into my life one day at a time. I do realize "nameless" is not all the things I tease him he is in order to keep him at arm's length. For all the stupid mean things I have said I am sorry. What I do know is that when he is in the room I am happy and when he leaves I don't want him to. That is it. That is all I know and for today I trust that, that is all I need to know. I can see why the universe crossed our paths. As more is revealed I will live my way into the what next and if anything is meant to be he will be in that what next and if not I am grateful for what he has already taught me. I forgot how great it felt to smile at the thought of someone. All I know now is I am very very happy to know such a fun, goofy, free spirited soul whose striking beauty is just icing on the cake. ;-)

As I move forward into the what next I am excited about the possibilities and what life is bringing into fruition for me. I know that what is yet to come must be felt with the heart and not the mind. I have been here repeatedly and it doesn't get easy just easier. Something is brewing for me in this vast universe. Something far beyond what I can imagine and all I can do is prepare myself, my teachers, and students to be open to the miracle that God and the universe are preparing us for and TRUST in the wisdom of a universe that has shown me repeatedly it can handle far more than I can ever imagine. For now my heart remains open to this very moment and every moment because I know that in order to LIVE experiences that hold no true logic or explanation I must continue to dance to the rhythm of my heart and its song, which only I can hear and it is then that I will live A LIFE UNCOMMON. "Come on you unbelievers, move out of the way! There is a new army coming and we are armed with faith! To live, we must give." May you find it in you to be able to GIVE your all in order to LIVE your life uncommon.

Born a child of gratitude, grateful for an extremely humbling year.

The more time goes by the more I realize it is no coincidence I was born Thanksgiving weekend because what you don't know is that I arrived a month early but I believe I arrived right on time. My mom tells me she was terrified at how tiny I was and she would hold me so close to keep me warm because I was all shades of purple. Well mom now I'm almost thirty-four and all shades of red as I have a crush which I am grateful for as it is proof that my heart has healed from all the lessons of this past year and then some breathing life into me again! I am filled with the colors of love, life, hope and gratitude! ;-)

This past year has brought so many lessons with it and my heart has broken and healed repeatedly showing me how beautifully complex we are and how amazingly we can recover from anything if we choose to. I believe that in time depending on how we see things we can also have gratitude for life and its lessons. While I may not always agree or understand the expense of what it took for some of those lessons I still eventually without a doubt arrive into gratitude. I have come to realize it is how I was born. Thinking back on my life as thirty-four arrives on Monday I am able to see that no matter what has happened I have eventually been grateful for the journey and the lessons it brought. Most of all I am grateful for the people those lessons and roads less traveled have brought into my life.

I have met the man whose work I read for over ten years, which inspired me to keep up the good fight eventually collaborating creatively with him. The people who are going to make my next dream a reality have come into my life and become my "family". I have crossed paths with women who do anything to help my dream come to life and who selflessly give asking nothing in return. I have shared a road with a man, left that road and returned to it to find two adults able to be friends and support eachother. These days it feels like he is supporting my dream more than I am his but in time I know the tables will turn. I have walked all my years with six brothers and sisters, an amazing mom, and a lovely step dad. All have been great teachers and all have led me on the road I am on today whether they knew it or not. Life gave me the gift of knowing what it's like to have a man believe in you when no one else does. Even if some of that journey's timing felt incredibly off in many ways, in one particular way it's timing was perfect. This was the first man to not only support me and my dreams but show up and show his support for my work and because of that I am eternally grateful to know what having someone GENUINELY believe in you asking nothing in return is like. Especially in my industry. Someone who just wants to see you succeed and is rooting for you even if our time together was brief the impact of the journey is forever.

I have said before that perhaps the biggest risk I take in my life is believing in a God and its guidance. I believe in its existence not because I have been taught to but because what I have lived has taught me to. Everything that happens in my life, harsh or beautiful, eventually leads me to an understanding of how truly magical each day is if our eyes our open to it. How precious each breathe is and how wonderful life can be if we make it about more than just ourselves. If we share our journey and allow others to share theirs we see how connected we are and what a small world it really is and how powerful it is to be of service to others.

Perhaps that is one of the biggest lesson life has brought this past year. I have had to be the receiver instead of the giver and have had to allow others to be of service to me. Something I originally fought with my Sagitarrius fire and stubborness and a lesson so constant that it reminded me that resistence is persistence so eventually I left myself be taken care of by others. From colds to production stuff to bigger things friends and family have stepped in to be of service to me. For them and their giving hearts I am eternally grateful and I am grateful to myself and my stubborness for learning when to let go and let God. ;-)

If I listed everyone that has impacted my life in this past year or past thirty-four we would be here for a good ten blogs. They know who they are and they know what they have done and best of all they have expected nothing in return. Tomorrow I will visit one of them in a way I NEVER EVER could have expected to. The last time I saw him he was walking backwards out of Portos with a big smile on his face, holding a bag and saying thank you A. Tomorrow I will pay him a visit and tell him like I did when he was here how GRATEFUL I was to have crossed paths with him, after all it's the day of gratefulness. If God ever showed its face to me it was definitely by allowing me to cross paths with Neil. He set the bar high as he was such a man of character and I am honored to have known of the existence of such a man.

Dear friends, treasure every moment, forgive yourself and others often, hold yourself in the same respect and high regard you have for others and you will not allow others to belittle you, give and expect nothing in return, believe yourself powerful and unique because YOU ARE, and accept nothing is guaranteed and you will LIVE!LOVE-LOVE-LOVE no matter how hard it may seem somedays to believe you ever will again, believe me in due time or as I say right on time you will again. Most of all have no doubt that just because you can't see someone anymore doesn't mean they aren't with you. Next time that crazy coincidence happens to you, look up, look within, smile and be grateful as I believe your friend, lover, mother, father or whomever you have lost has just crossed paths with you again. They are protecting you now and forever! For that protection, you, life, every breath, the sun, the moon, the smell of decaf coffee, my christmas tree (that is already up), my family, my friends, every part of body, my journey and its lessons and the ability to have thirty- four years of all this I am GRATEFUL. For this humbling year I am grateful because I was born a child of gratitude.

May you allow life to show you how magical it truly is and may everything and everyone make you grateful to have crossed paths with them. May they inspire you to thank them like I did earlier to all those who had stood by me this past year, via email, with the song below. Most of all may you be grateful no matter your circumstances and not be a victim of them trusting that everything is leading you somewhere or to someone. "A journey is best measured in friends rather than miles”. Tim Cahill

Thank you God, family, friends, and everything in this magical universe that makes this sometimes challenging journey a beautiful mess! Thank you for the gift of life GOD and the universe!!! Thank you!!! Happy Thanksgiving everyday! If you open your eyes you will find something to be grateful for everyday. I am grateful for your eyes which you have leant to my blog and spent some time with my thoughts. I thank you!



A glimpse of the people I am grateful for. This is just of sample of the beautiful souls who make my journey magical!

Neil and Millie Lisk- a lot of people have questioned the character David in my film and why he is so almost perfect. Good guys exist and the inspiration of keeping him as he is written is Neil. Never doubt that men of character whose love for their family exceeds life's temptations, exist. Neil is proof! He here is with one of his two favorite ladies and the reason he worked so hard. Words can not express how much you are missed.

My mentor, confidant, supporter and forever friend Paul.

Good times in LA this year with one of my six siblings.

The woman who made my existence possible, my lovely mom, and me in one of my FAVORITE pictures!

A weekend of work turned out to be a weekend of words my soul needed to be fed with. Here with the two people who are responsible for them, Michael and Lisa. Having wardrobe fun!

Bearing Fruit Family FUN! Love my "family". Couldn't have asked for more talented people to join me on the journey!



Once again thank you GOD for all the beautiful souls you have sent my way!

Striping it all away- the reality behind the dream.

To say my life is busy right now is an understatement. I am being pulled in so many directions while challenges arise having to choose between moving forward or stopping. I have chosen repeatedly to move forward. It is this choice that inspired a friend of mine from Germany to send me an email and suggest that I write a book based on all I am living and have lived in 2010. His email came after my friend Silke also from Germany emailed earlier this year after reading my blog and suggested I turn my blog into a book. To me it is synchronicity to say the least because I have been wanting to finish a book I wrote in 2008 for a while now but just haven't had the time. I've trusted that when the time was right I would have the time to sit down and finish. In living this year I realized that the book wasn't ready to be continued until this journey I am currently on comes full circle.

I can say without a doubt that the past year of my life has been one of the most difficult years of my life. I have been continuously stripped of something or someone I thought I needed simply by believing in myself, my dreams, and my choices. It is in choosing to honor my individuality and my calling that people have walked out of my life or I have chosen to walk away. I have also been stripped in many areas of life and yet I trust with all my heart and soul that everything is exactly as it should be as it is leading me to where my journey needs to take me in life in order to fulfill my calling. So while you may see my website or my pictures of fun being had while casting my film, or doing wardrobe with the cast, or hanging out with them I see what it takes to live those moments.

There is a saying that behind every great man stands a strong woman. Well beside, not behind as I believe in equality, this woman stand the family and friends who have not only found a way to let me be but have also encouraged me to follow my dreams. If I am to speak in all honesty than I have to say that this production has had a constant revolving door like no other before. We've had to cast repeatedly to replace people, I've had to let people go who thought their job was secure and stopped making an effort to do their job and life has also simply changed things in ways that did not allow people to stay on the production. I believe in life we have to risk to reap rewards and with that thought in mind I have to thank Randy Kent, Jodi Scott Elliot, and Ryan Caldwell for not letting the constant in and out of others take their faith in me and the film from them. I don't even know if they've realized it but by standing firmly with me they've given me the courage to continue to move forward. Three people can make a bigger impact on me than a hundred challenges!

Those challenges are daily occurrences and the most important thing for me to remember is that my contribution to the world and humanity can not be deterred by occurrences which are out of my control. The most important thing for me is to be able to rise to the challenge and once again in the process realize just what I am capable of. What continues to happen, which should be of no shock to anyone who knows me is that my faith in God, the universe, and their plan for me continues to grow! The way I see it is by allowing to let things be what they are and not trying to fight the guidance of God I allow the journey to become more magical. People are being added to the mix right now that are making this journey even more meaningful and special as I was stripped of people my mind was tricking me into believing I needed. For me it's somewhat easy to continue forward because I believe in God and the universe as much as they believe in me therefore I know and trust I will live things that only this journey lived the way it's meant to could bring to life.

Everyone who CHOOSES to stand beside me is here because they are meant to be and together we will contribute to film making in a unique, impactful way that allows others to relate not escape. I don't produce to create an escape. My calling is to produce work that allows people to relate and creates a bridging of the gap society has imposed repeatedly on us with false advertisements only to make money and really in the end not with one care of how it affects the human race and our evolution. I am not out to make a buck and sell images so I believe firmly that everyone God sends my way ultimately has to support a collective dream or it won't work. Anyone in it just for their benefit can not be in this with us. Why? Simple, indie film making does not allow us the luxury of egos with a budget so small. It allows us the luxury of telling a story with passion and faith that it will impact the lives of others in a powerful way and in the process lead us to wherever life wants us to go.

For me to be able to help make some one's dream come true along with mine, whether it be the musician whose song will be heard by audiences watching our film, or the actor who will finally be seen after years of being unseen in this city of dreams called Hollywood which can actually destroy them more than help nourish them, for me that is part of what fuels me and allows me to move forward. To be able to tell a story and have so many people's voices heard drives me! I whole heartily believe that because my dream is not just about helping myself the universe conspires. While the journey to the conspiring may strip me of things, places, or people I thought I needed my reality based on my journey, which I've been paying close attention to, is that life is simply making room for what I truly need and not what I thought I needed.

My reality now brought a young woman with a dream into my life this past week. A woman who I have to admit reminds me a lot of me when I first got here. She's very young and very brave. Lisa has stepped in to fill some big shoes in our production and the more I get to know her the more I know it was no coincidence that the universe crossed our paths. Like I told her after a long day of wardrobe and after she said some very nice things to me, "I have no doubt that we were brought into each other's lives because we both NEEDED each other." It is in her that I see the face of God and it is those "coincidences" of life where I find the courage to move forward. I had to be stripped of someone to be led to her so I yet again can see that having my reality continuously stripped of the way I see it is ultimately God's way of helping me along the journey. NO MATTER HOW MUCH I AM AFFECTED BY THE INITIAL SHOCK OF YET ANOTHER CHALLENGE. Tell your mom I've got your back Lisa. ;-)

So Alex and Silke to answer your question, I have no doubt that when the time is right I will be guided to finish that book and until then I will continue to be grateful for people like you who help my dreams along the way. I'd be here forever if I told everyone who has helped thus far but I would like to say that people like Michael Mullen and Blanca Valdez who did not receive a dime for their services to my production and jumped in when I was stripped of others have the utmost respect in my heart for they believed in me when it seemed like so many where living in constant questioning. THANK YOU!!

My bottom line is this if you strip it all away from me you will find courage and faith backing my voice which refuses to be silenced simply because while life has chosen to take me through some pretty harsh roads to show me how precious each day is and how temporary this life is, it has taught me worthy of acquiring the knowledge that life is too short to abide by anyone else's voice but my own. Serelda G. Wallace was quoted as saying "The highest form of development is to govern one's self" and the only way to do that for me is to trust the engineer at the helm of this train ride called life. It is for me in its guidance that I have not only found my voice but I have found the courage to not allow anyone even those I love dearly to silence it. "when a train ride goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off, you still still and trust the engineer." C.T. Boom

Seems I found my theme for 2010. ;-) "If you strip me strip it all away what would you find? Take what you want, steal my pride, build me up or cut me down to size, shut me out but I'll just scream. I AM ONLY ONE VOICE IN A MILLION BUT YOU AIN'T TAKING THAT FROM ME. SOMETIMES ALL IT TAKES IS ONE VOICE"

Turns out that in order for my voice to be heard and become stronger I have to be stripped. May you allow the challenges of life that strip you of what you thought you needed fill you with courage and faith to allow what you truly need to live your dreams to enter your life! To all who choose to stand beside me I am deeply and eternally grateful. God thank you for the team/teachers ;-) you have chosen me worthy of traveling this journey with and thank you for letting them trust the engineer of this train ride. ;-)

Seeking rewards without taking a risk.

I find myself in a lot of situations these days that bring with them the lesson that society has perhaps taught us that things should be easy and handed to us and that if there is any sort of struggle then we should just give up and walk away and call it not meant to be. While sometimes that can be true and there will be obvious signs that will demonstrate that sometimes detours are there to lead you to a more extraordinary journey than the one you envision. Roadblocks to me are God's way of showing itself. Accepting them gives me the ability to know what to do with them, which comes from paying attention to my life and the lesson is has brought repeatedly. Roadblocks just happen to be the way I co-create my life with what I believe is my creator and meet my destiny. A creator I have no problem calling God simply because it's a God of my understanding not anyone else's idea of God or what we've been sold to believe God is. No punishing God for me. God is what is with me when life happens on its terms and it happens everyday of every year and some years, like this one for me, more than others.

I know that the media is constantly reminding us these days what terrible times these are so much so that I have had to make a conscious decision to not watch the news. Yes I agree these are definitely interesting times like I have never seen in my thirty three years of existence but I will hold onto my belief quite firmly that everything happens as it should. There are no accidents. There are plenty of times along the way I have wished that wasn't the case but in time have come to understand that for me there is a plan taking place in my life. That plan aka destiny aka my calling will not unfold unless I consciously choose to risk and plant seeds in the winter in the middle of the snow in Denver. Yes it sounds ludicrous but I believe in miracles and following my heart and that means that sometimes my heart asks such request of me. Have no doubt when I am initially given the direction I must head to next and it sounds as crazy as planting seeds in the middle of the snow in Denver I think to myself "Seriously, wow this just keeps getting more interesting" but I do it because I have trust in what is to follow.

This past year has asked A LOT of me. Perhaps more than any other year or at least it seems like it. I've seen the man I thought I would marry wed someone else, I've seen my production company grow smaller than it was which seems almost impossible, I lost tremendously on some gambles and finally was dealt with another blow of this already tumultuous year, seeing Neil leave this planet. As if everything hadn't already been a lot. However this was also the year I continued to help raise Zoey, got a humongous crush on someone just so my heart could show me it was still possible, raised awareness of the global water crisis, continued to watch my commercial for such a cause take home awards including one in Shanghai, chose to volunteer six months as a UNICEF Tap Project coordinator in order to produce their fundraiser, moved forward with my dreams in spite of what I see before me and accomplished what I long for the most, growth in my beliefs and faith.

I've been here before. A place where life has shown you how precious and delicate it is that you find yourself realizing yet again it can end in an instant. So the questions have been pouring in. Am I doing what I truly believe to be my calling? Yes. Do I show love as best as I can everyday? Yes. Do I trust in the wisdom of the universe? Yes, while it's been tested severely this year the answer is still yes. Do I believe there is a plan ordained by something far more magical and powerful than I can understand and may never truly comprehend in this existence I chose to call God? Yes, while it's also been severely tested the answer is still yes. Do I believe I am doing everything I can to create my own family and live in unconditional love? Yes, everyday as best as I can. So what does this all mean to me? That I can't sit here and spill my thoughts out to whoever is meant to read this and not be genuinely me. That means I have to admit my truth. I am struggling but I will see the light again and I will shine brightly once again when the lesson has made its way through. I can not ask this to go away or run from it and trust me the thought of throwing my clothes, awards, and pictures in boxes and selling everything else and then just driving away from all this pain has crossed my mind more than once. It is then that I know I must do what is the toughest thing for me right now BE STILL AND BE IN THE DISCOMFORT OF FEAR AND SADNESS because that is the only way I will make my way THROUGH IT AND INTO ACCEPTANCE OF MY REALITY, which will allow the fog to lift and the light to shine again. So I will risk everyday not feeling well so that I can eventually be my GENUINE happy soul/self again.

In the midst of all this darkness I have not lost the feeling that God is with me at all times and it's what helps me make it through these times. I know that the light of God, Neil, my grandfather, my first therapist, and others is a shield of bright light that surrounds me and while these days the shield is cracking and darkness creeps in taking advantage of my fragile vulnerability I TRUST WITH EVERY OUNCE OF MY HEART AND SOUL that I am exactly where I am supposed to be learning and growing and preparing for what is yet to come. I am stronger at the end of each day and at the end of each lesson not because I am different and have been blessed to be that way but because I CHOOSE to be that way. I choose love and anything else that allows the light in me to shine. A friend of Neil's told me that the best she could do in his honor was be IN love like he was. The best I can do in his honor is LIVE! I know he's helping me through all this. Yes I do believe he is an angel now, maybe not with wings etc. or maybe so- who knows, but what I don't doubt is that if all of us who miss him are getting through this it's because he is guiding us. He knows I want my light to shine again so I believe he is part of what reminds me everyday that it's okay to be where I am and that eventually I will shine brighter than ever when I've made my way through the feelings.

As I make my way through these feelings I choose to be faith in action by taking action and moving forward in this constantly changing life and production of mine. I can not ask people to be willing to RISK to see REWARDS like life has shown me repeatedly is the case but what I can do is make sure all the dead weight on the ship I am steering through unknown stormy waters is off my ship, which lightens the load and allows me to make my way to the brightly lit shores sooner. That light will come soon too and everything will come together even as everything continues to constantly change. I trust that the changes, which seem to be taking place weekly these days and make my work load heavier are also as they should be and leading me exactly to where I should be while gifting me with countless teachers of lessons God and the universe know I need. So I will continue to take one of the biggest risks ever, believing that something is out there and it's guiding me, and have no doubt the rewards will arrive on time if I continue to risk. Another choice I make.

I believe that seeking rewards without taking a risk is like asking a plant to grow without planting a seed and watering it. I've witnessed a lot of people this year want such a thing. All I can do is continue to lead by example and be me which means be in this beautiful mess of a life that has chosen me, all of us for that matter, and which I have chosen back. My bottom line is best expressed in these words spoken by Diana Nyad, "I am willing to put myself through anything; temporary pain or discomfort means nothing to me as long as I can see that the experience will take me to a new level. I am interested in the unknown, and the only path to the unknown is through breaking barriers, an often-painful process."

All that means in simple terms is I choose to LIVE. May you choose LIFE and allow it to choose you and most of all like me I hope that no matter what your eyes see or your heart feels I pray that you trust that when the time is right your LIGHT will shine! I have faith that when you are ready and the universe asks you to RISK you will and you will reap the REWARDS you deserve in order to SHINE, SHINE, SHINE how only you can!!! May you have the courage to let us all see the gift only you can give us! Let us see your destiny! THIS IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL THIS IS YOUR LIFE!

This blog is dedicated to my friend Paul Rodriguez. Life has given us the gift of coming full circle and this has allowed him to be a friend to me when I needed him most. He knows what he's done and why he deserves this dedication. He too is helping my light shine again.;-)