It has been an interesting last month to say the least. Lots of change going on in my life and most of it good and all of it is leading me to my destiny. I'm having to step into some big shoes once again and I am ready for it. I am aware that the last four years of my life have been preparing me for this. The universe under God's guidance as usual is sending all the people meant to work with me on this project my way and as usual it's on God's time. So these days I'm armed with patience and if I am not I take it to the mountain aka Runyon and pray for patience. To which God replies as usual, "I can't just give you patience I have to put you in scenarios that will allow you to acquire patience" to which I reply "okay so can I please get some patience for my patience." ;-) While I may be in a hurry sometimes I know from past experiences that trying to be the hare and not the turtle while getting me there quicker takes me to a destination far less interesting than the one I arrive at if I work with the traits of the turtle.
I am in the process of producing my first feature length film and of becoming Esperanza, as I also star in the film. This journey has already come with its fair share of lessons and the most important one thus far is once again learning to go with the flow of the universe ,which brings me back to patience. This lesson is reminding me of a quote I decided to model my life after and comes from one of my favorite writers/philosophers, Ralph Waldo Emerson. "Adapt the pace of nature, her secret is patience." Truly wise words because if we really pay attention nature really takes its time to become whatever it becomes. Whether it be a seed becoming a plant or a tree changing its colors and way of being throughout seasons it takes time. It doesn't happen in a day or a week for that matter. I know I am rushing myself because I want to premiere at SXSW and have my family share this experience with me for once. I've been rejected by SXSW before but I have no intention of going for two. I also realize if it's meant to be it will be and all I can do is work towards meeting their submission deadline. While things are making their way into blooming with my production I am also being reminded to put myself and my health first while enjoying what I am doing.
I have been through two or more people trying to fill the important job positions with great talent whose vision is aligned with mine and who are willing to do the work. The huge difference between an indie film and what most of you see, Hollywood backed films, is that I don't have the budget to hire a hundred people and take all the weight off my shoulders. What I do have that a lot of the time their films lack is passion, passion for a story that needs to be told. Not passion for a box office number. ;-) A relateable, raw, and honest story which doesn't sugarcoat life so the audience can walk out thinking "Wow compared to that my life sucks and I am never going to be that pretty or cool." I don't want to contribute to the downfall of society. I want to contribute to the uprising which a lot of us are doing quietly but sooner or later when God deems it appropriate we won't be so quiet anymore. There is a shift coming. It's either that or our downfall and I refuse to believe we've come this far to just disappear. So through my work I am letting God and the universe know I care for our existence and how my work affects others. If you can see that then you'll work with me not for me. If you want to make a pretty film with pretty people that feeds stereotypes it just won't work. Needless to say after a few tries it is all coming together quite nicely.
The perfect Director has made his way into my life and become part of this journey. He will be revealed when my new website is unveiled August 1st. While it is no secret that I wanted a woman to helm the film after several attempts at it, it did not work out. Note to anyone trying to break into the industry I would suggest not being demanding with your needs until you have the job or firmly and rudely asking me questions that make you come across as intolerable because if you act this way now than I can only imagine what you'll be like in pre-production or on set. Both of these cases sadly were the women I wanted to hire. In the wise words of Todd Blackledge "A humble person never stops learning." That is what got the Director the job. Not only was he humble even after coming off of directing a film with Dan Lauria and Beth Grant but also excited about the project and most of all he NEVER, NOT ONCE looked at me or talked to me like "just a woman" but always as his equal. One thing I don't have patience for is to be treated as anything other than what I am, your equal. Trust me after fourteen years in this business and town you'd know the difference too.
He is granting me the biggest gift of all, the privilege of Becoming Esperanza. I needed to have someone I could trust one hundred percent so I could do this character and story justice as I am practically in every scene. For the first time I feel confident that I can walk away and not need to be on him about anything as we share the same vision for the story. Raw, honest, and relateable. I asked that he make it about a family who happens to be Hispanic so we can have all audiences relate to it. Make it about the world I grew up in as a Latina woman not the world Hollywood has sold you I grew up in. So after plenty of rewrites, thank you John for your patience and hard work, we are almost there. The thing about this production is that I surrounded myself with extremely talented people whose collaboration is needed to make this work which leads to a lot of opinions, discussions, compromising, and understanding.
In the end the story will be what I have seen it as since I first had that cup of coffee with John, the writer, a year ago at Austin Java as he feverishly drove back from Corpus Christi to Austin to pitch his idea to me. It's a story about a family who struggles with their cultural values and imposing them on eachother while one woman journeys through expectations that take her away from herself and back into her own becoming so she can meet her destiny. Somethings she learns the very hard way. In the process everyone involved learns the importance of trusting ourselves and not a system or a way of doing things. It's about simply being. In the end once we've navigated the waters of the unknown territory our journey leads us through I believe we are lead to just be, by learning to trust ourselves.
Esperanza meaning Hope, whose name I changed from Linda to Esperanza after a long discussion with John, is a woman who in a lot of ways is like me and in some she is not. I am actually a combination of her and my last film's character Athena. This story allows Esperanza to find her voice in her mistakes. A way I believe we all do because I believe mistakes are actually life lessons that resulted because of a risk we took, which whether in the moment worked out in our favor or not, it taught us a valuable lesson and led us to our destiny. I don't believe we arrive at our destiny unless we are willing to risk everything and have patience of course. I believe the life you lead is according to your patience. Maybe she risks under pressure and to please others but she risks and therefore her journey leads her to her destiny. This is where we differ because while I have felt cultural pressure of who and what I should be I have been blessed with the courage to follow my heart even if I truly upset some people, without that being my intention, along the way. For that courage I truly have my relationship with God to thank for. The committee i.e. all the voices in my head from past encounters telling what I can do, who I should be, and all my faults gets vetoed around here because of what I have endured and what I have held onto to be able to, my faith. For me it's all about a God of my own understanding especially when I am not understanding where life is leading me.
In the end as I journey through Bearing Fruit I know that all of this is making me a stronger woman. All the people that surround me now make me proud to be doing what I am doing and it makes the extremely hard work doable because I know that in the end one of you will get this film and in the process you will find your voice and it will lead to your destiny and if we can do that for one person than my contribution to this field some call entertainment and I choose to call art will be very satisfying. May your journey lead you to becoming the woman or man you'd want your son or daughter to be one day!
P.S. There is a daring, for me, physical transformation coming to be able to fully have the audience see Esperanza and I keep telling myself I am not Samson. ;-) Wish me luck! So long to the way you've always seen me.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
Learning to put myself first. A lesson four years in the making.
I am blessed with a super sensitive body that doesn't like stress and let's me know immediately. I've always suffered from psoriasis but now thanks to repeating a lesson I can add cysts, tori, and abscess to the list of ways my body is telling me something is off balance. I have been growing through a lot lately and last weekend ignoring my body's signals alerting me that something was off caused sleepless nights like they ones I haven't had since 2006. They are not fun and since my body clock is programmed for a seven am wake up call latest on any morning well the following days are pretty torturous. By the end of last weekend I knew what I had to do and after a hike first thing Monday morning I was willing to finally do it.
A friend told me Sunday night at dinner, "I have been watching you do this to yourself for four years" and it hit me like a ton of bricks. She was right I had been, which meant I had also been ignoring the signs my body was desperately giving me in hopes that I would finally get it. By "this" my friend meant she has been watching me put the needs of others before mine since I opened my production company. This is a trait I attribute to my lovingly mother because having seven children doesn't really afford any other option than putting those seven kids before you. In therapy I learned that we all are what we know aka what we witnessed in our childhood unless we make a conscious decision to change it. A belief I made a choice to take on as I examined my life and realized while in therapy that I was definitely my mother. Some things I kept since they are beautiful traits and some I have made a conscious decision to change for my well being and so that I can exist as Adriana Garza not Mercedes Cortazar the second. ;-)
Which brings me to this week. I did it! I finally did it! I put myself first. I had two options as I saw it I could continue on like I was and see what other way my body would alert me that it was my choices that were throwing my life off balance and producing stress or I could take a huge leap of faith and restructure the way I am doing things. Since I do not want a repeat of the stress induced premature heart beat I had in 2008 I opted to get the lesson and move forward. This meant I would potentially hurt some people in the process. People I love dearly. This is what made putting myself first so scary but I realized if I didn't do it now I would keep living a life where I eventually resent situations or people and I don't want to live that way. I trusted that the fear of what others would say or do when I finally stood up and put myself first was a small price to pay for what I would end up paying once again if I continued my pattern.
Now when I say I am putting myself first please do not interpret the selfish putting myself first and screw everyone philosophy, which seems more abundant than I'd like it to be. Nope not that! I am simply going to take care of me and my company first and then everyone. I decided that this is the year Adriana Garza Productions will make a profit and in order to do so I have to put myself first. For four years I have donated proceeds, invested, taken huge leaps of faith, and paid others before I paid myself simply trusting that as I was doing God and the universe would do unto me. I still believe that they have and will but I also now realize I have to take care of myself too by putting my needs first then the ones of others in any situation so I can be healthy and present. It took people wanting so much from me that out did what I was receiving by a lot, (which I feel deserve since this company has been my financial investment, my faith, sweat, tears, and hard work for the past four years), to say enough. I hit a point were I could no longer afford to put anyone else before me or my company literally and if my company is going to continue to exist I have to come first.
Even writing that sounds weird but yet so perfect. It's time to do for myself what I have spent years doing for others. This excludes my philanthropy work because that is a part of me I embrace and I am not willing change. I am referring to putting everyone before me because I feel I owe them not because without my help they won't survive which is the case with most of my non-profit work. The bottom line is we all make choices in life and I have been so afraid of hurting people I put them first. Meanwhile some of these people have had no problem putting themselves and their demands first by asking that the fruits of my labor be theirs. In the process they taught me that in order to survive as a business within my business I must do the same and for that lesson I am grateful.
This journey of mine where I am currently bearing fruit, pun intended, ;-) is constantly changing and from one week to the next it came to a screeching halt so I could restructure and put myself first. It feels so good and the timing feels just right. Something tells me that by July 15 something magical is going to take place that will once again exceed my expectations. The signs have arrived and I am looking forward to the destination my journey is leading me to. It's been quite dark lately but being inside the cocoon will do that to you. Metamorphosis aka preparation is essential to be able to face what lies in the unknown and the what next when it arrives. I am happy to say that thanks to this amazing simple song and many other signs this past week Adriana Garza Productions is moving forward in a whole new direction and I can not wait for you to witness what is yet to come.
For those of you who confuse my kindness with stupidity I thank you because you have helped me take this leap of faith and allowed me to take care of myself and put myself first. For those of you who count me out every time a challenge presented by life knocks me down I say thank you. It makes what comes next far more extraordinary as its deemed a miracle! After all how could I possibly stand again. ;-) Faith does that to you. For all of you who are still learning to take care of yourselves I say do it. I've come to terms with the fact that while the universe has been trying to take care of me I have been too busy taking care of everyone else. I think the words of the wise Ann Richards say it best, "If you think taking care of yourself is selfish, change your mind. If you don't, you're simply ducking your responsibilities." I have with complete awareness changed my mind and I am grateful for the journey that led me here! Oh and don't forget to breathe through your growth. It will all be okay. Actually it is okay now. ;-)
A friend told me Sunday night at dinner, "I have been watching you do this to yourself for four years" and it hit me like a ton of bricks. She was right I had been, which meant I had also been ignoring the signs my body was desperately giving me in hopes that I would finally get it. By "this" my friend meant she has been watching me put the needs of others before mine since I opened my production company. This is a trait I attribute to my lovingly mother because having seven children doesn't really afford any other option than putting those seven kids before you. In therapy I learned that we all are what we know aka what we witnessed in our childhood unless we make a conscious decision to change it. A belief I made a choice to take on as I examined my life and realized while in therapy that I was definitely my mother. Some things I kept since they are beautiful traits and some I have made a conscious decision to change for my well being and so that I can exist as Adriana Garza not Mercedes Cortazar the second. ;-)
Which brings me to this week. I did it! I finally did it! I put myself first. I had two options as I saw it I could continue on like I was and see what other way my body would alert me that it was my choices that were throwing my life off balance and producing stress or I could take a huge leap of faith and restructure the way I am doing things. Since I do not want a repeat of the stress induced premature heart beat I had in 2008 I opted to get the lesson and move forward. This meant I would potentially hurt some people in the process. People I love dearly. This is what made putting myself first so scary but I realized if I didn't do it now I would keep living a life where I eventually resent situations or people and I don't want to live that way. I trusted that the fear of what others would say or do when I finally stood up and put myself first was a small price to pay for what I would end up paying once again if I continued my pattern.
Now when I say I am putting myself first please do not interpret the selfish putting myself first and screw everyone philosophy, which seems more abundant than I'd like it to be. Nope not that! I am simply going to take care of me and my company first and then everyone. I decided that this is the year Adriana Garza Productions will make a profit and in order to do so I have to put myself first. For four years I have donated proceeds, invested, taken huge leaps of faith, and paid others before I paid myself simply trusting that as I was doing God and the universe would do unto me. I still believe that they have and will but I also now realize I have to take care of myself too by putting my needs first then the ones of others in any situation so I can be healthy and present. It took people wanting so much from me that out did what I was receiving by a lot, (which I feel deserve since this company has been my financial investment, my faith, sweat, tears, and hard work for the past four years), to say enough. I hit a point were I could no longer afford to put anyone else before me or my company literally and if my company is going to continue to exist I have to come first.
Even writing that sounds weird but yet so perfect. It's time to do for myself what I have spent years doing for others. This excludes my philanthropy work because that is a part of me I embrace and I am not willing change. I am referring to putting everyone before me because I feel I owe them not because without my help they won't survive which is the case with most of my non-profit work. The bottom line is we all make choices in life and I have been so afraid of hurting people I put them first. Meanwhile some of these people have had no problem putting themselves and their demands first by asking that the fruits of my labor be theirs. In the process they taught me that in order to survive as a business within my business I must do the same and for that lesson I am grateful.
This journey of mine where I am currently bearing fruit, pun intended, ;-) is constantly changing and from one week to the next it came to a screeching halt so I could restructure and put myself first. It feels so good and the timing feels just right. Something tells me that by July 15 something magical is going to take place that will once again exceed my expectations. The signs have arrived and I am looking forward to the destination my journey is leading me to. It's been quite dark lately but being inside the cocoon will do that to you. Metamorphosis aka preparation is essential to be able to face what lies in the unknown and the what next when it arrives. I am happy to say that thanks to this amazing simple song and many other signs this past week Adriana Garza Productions is moving forward in a whole new direction and I can not wait for you to witness what is yet to come.
For those of you who confuse my kindness with stupidity I thank you because you have helped me take this leap of faith and allowed me to take care of myself and put myself first. For those of you who count me out every time a challenge presented by life knocks me down I say thank you. It makes what comes next far more extraordinary as its deemed a miracle! After all how could I possibly stand again. ;-) Faith does that to you. For all of you who are still learning to take care of yourselves I say do it. I've come to terms with the fact that while the universe has been trying to take care of me I have been too busy taking care of everyone else. I think the words of the wise Ann Richards say it best, "If you think taking care of yourself is selfish, change your mind. If you don't, you're simply ducking your responsibilities." I have with complete awareness changed my mind and I am grateful for the journey that led me here! Oh and don't forget to breathe through your growth. It will all be okay. Actually it is okay now. ;-)
Friday, May 28, 2010
Making my way through the unknown. Four years and counting!!
As I left a friend's birthday dinner tonight this song came on the radio.
Its timing was impeccable and the fact that I had grown tired of the rotating cds in my player, yes I actually tire of David Gray, allowed me to be able to hear it as I tuned into the radio which I rarely do. Immediately I was transported to 2006. Four years ago this month exactly I started to make my way through the unknown in complete awareness, which led to me being awarded the Toyota Moving Forward Award as you see here. Sarah Shahi from the L word came to give it to me and GLAMOUR Magazine and Toyota held the ceremony aka split the bill. ;-)
Before my award ceremony in LA GLAMOUR and Toyota flew me to NY to be an honored guest at the GLAMOUR Magazine Women of the Year Awards whose main honoree was Sandra Bullock! My fave! I was so excited when I found out she was there. Here I am posing with some men helping guest as they arrive.
All this led to my play, The Art of Being,
being able to go on tour as people took notice of my work and sponsored. Here is the cast picture that was taken for the tour.
Its truly amazing all the memories that one song can trigger. Its lyrics are what transport me so easily back to the time when I was learning just how powerful I truly am. The words that contributed to my then huge leap of faith. They made me realize that the ending (destination) which was unplanned was so out my control but that what I could control was what I did (journey) to make my dreams become a reality on my terms with my beliefs. Because I was ready to follow my heart in 2006 and write the lyrics to my own song whose melody was written by God, the universe, and their angels I lived extraordinary moments whose birth is only a reality because I learned to make my way through the unknown and navigate the waters its stormy seas sometimes brought or engage in the battle with my angels (friends) and my truth.
The tricky thing about truth is it's subjective. I may only be thirty-three but I have learned quite a few things as I sailed life's uncharted seas or engaged in battles in unknown territory. I've learned that people will go to any length to tell themselves a version of a story based on what truly happened to be able to justify their actions and live with themselves. The more they are in fear the more that story will be farther from your truth. I would like to say "the truth" but we all filter things differently and see the world as we are not as it is so the chances of two stories being the same aren't slim but you would just have to be in the same place emotionally in life as someone else to have it be "the truth". Chances are if you find yourself on the battlefield you aren't in the same place as someone else because they are your opponents.
Opponents try to bring you down, destroy you, and even manipulate you by trying to make their truth yours or the only truth so they can win the battle. Sadly I've faced more of these than I would have liked to. I am truly a person who likes to keep the peace and prefers to discuss things than fight and argue simply for the sake of being right. I can't even recall how many people nor would I want to told me in 2006 that I couldn't do the play, wouldn't win the award, and constantly questioned how I would open and maintain an indie production company. These days that count is down well because after you win an award for your first production ever, go on tour with it, win your favorite author's film competition for your second production, meet him and walk the red carpet with him for the premiere of your film people start to believe in the impossible being possible. What is sad to me about that is people needing to SEE something to believe in it.
That is not who I am anymore. These days I live by one of my favorite quotes by one of my favorite men, "All I have seen teaches me to trust the creator for all I have not seen"~ RW Emerson. When you live your life in awareness that walking through the unknown provides more miracles than the certainty of the "known" you have to rely on blind faith. At least I do and these days while people may no longer try to rock my boat as much with their comments of what I can or can not do the unknown still continues to bring me to unexpected shores. Shores I would rather not land on because once I do I know I will have to be ready to engage in battle if it becomes necessary. All this talk may have you wondering if I fight with others. I don't. I really don't. Aside from my family who knows what buttons to push, its my choice to not react, I am rarely engaged these days. However recently my journey and choices have had me face some people on the battlefield I never dreamed I would.
While I may feel like its my responsibility to take care of me all the time sometimes this leader has to call on her army to help her on the battlefield. I have the most amazing friends in the world who always suit up and show up in the most unbelievable of ways. That is when I see God clearly reminding me how much God loves me. The last year or so has been one of the toughest yet most beautiful years of my life. Beautiful because the unknown continues to bring me miracles and dreams that exceed my own and tough because everything comes at a price. Prices I will never pay are my dignity, morals, beliefs, and values. The last year has been rough because some of those people who used to suit and show up for me once upon a time, did it again but this time they faced me on the battlefield as my opponent.
I won't be bullied by anyone and I will not be turned into someone I am not so people can not only buy their version of what is and live with their choices but also try and sell it to others. If there is something I have proven to be true repeatedly is that the truth does set you free. When you have lived with honesty you can rest your head to sleep at night without thoughts keeping you up. While I am beyond sad that some of the people who were once helping me navigate the unknown as part of my army are now opposing me and trying to destroy me I am beyond grateful that God loved me enough to show me their true colors. I am beyond flabbergasted as to who these people truly are. Time had come for me to move on and when I didn't do the moving for myself God did it for me by exposing me to a level of judgment projected on me with words and actions that only a person in hate with themselves would project on another.
However even as my army grows smaller I am grateful for those who remain and continue to cheer me on and want to see me succeed. After all it's not about the quantity but quality of the army. We know hundreds of poisoned soldiers are no good but ten healthy ones are extraordinary. To me the key to success is not only leading an army but knowing when to step down and become part of that army to allow another leader to shine. As these harsh lessons make their way through my life I am looking forward to what is about to be born of faith once more as I continue my journey through the unknown yet again and Bear Fruit, my first feature film. It's a huge undertaking but everything I have lived has led me here. I am ready to create work that has a message and makes people think yet again. I am resting my sword for now and trusting in the process once more but most of all looking forward to watching all the beautiful talented people God is sending my way be each other's teachers and create art that inspires you to follow your heart.
My opponents have taught me that what matters most is not what happens but how I handle what happens. Once again I believe I let every ounce of my being be genuine when it was attacked and remain true to its morals, values, and beliefs trusting that as we do so is done to us. My journey has taught me that some people's ideas of taking care of themselves is taking down another in the process to ensure their own success. All I have to say to those who tried is, if you invite evil in for a cup of tea it will try to stay for dinner but if you invite it to my dinner you better be ready to be escorted out immediately. ;-) I will always continue to do things my way and I will not tolerate anyone disrespecting me, my beliefs and those I love and their beliefs. I will continue to believe in a world where everyone's individuality can create a unique beautiful world where love, goodness, and faith triumph fear, hatred, and competitiveness. God thank you for giving me the courage to make my way through the unknown on my terms without ever purposely hurting anyone. Thank you for giving me the courage to do things with purpose and love and without selling my soul to my grandest opponent even if it meant biting off more than I could chew. Let the record show I took the BLOW(S) and did it MY WAY!!! ;-)
Its timing was impeccable and the fact that I had grown tired of the rotating cds in my player, yes I actually tire of David Gray, allowed me to be able to hear it as I tuned into the radio which I rarely do. Immediately I was transported to 2006. Four years ago this month exactly I started to make my way through the unknown in complete awareness, which led to me being awarded the Toyota Moving Forward Award as you see here. Sarah Shahi from the L word came to give it to me and GLAMOUR Magazine and Toyota held the ceremony aka split the bill. ;-)
Before my award ceremony in LA GLAMOUR and Toyota flew me to NY to be an honored guest at the GLAMOUR Magazine Women of the Year Awards whose main honoree was Sandra Bullock! My fave! I was so excited when I found out she was there. Here I am posing with some men helping guest as they arrive.
All this led to my play, The Art of Being,
being able to go on tour as people took notice of my work and sponsored. Here is the cast picture that was taken for the tour.
Its truly amazing all the memories that one song can trigger. Its lyrics are what transport me so easily back to the time when I was learning just how powerful I truly am. The words that contributed to my then huge leap of faith. They made me realize that the ending (destination) which was unplanned was so out my control but that what I could control was what I did (journey) to make my dreams become a reality on my terms with my beliefs. Because I was ready to follow my heart in 2006 and write the lyrics to my own song whose melody was written by God, the universe, and their angels I lived extraordinary moments whose birth is only a reality because I learned to make my way through the unknown and navigate the waters its stormy seas sometimes brought or engage in the battle with my angels (friends) and my truth.
The tricky thing about truth is it's subjective. I may only be thirty-three but I have learned quite a few things as I sailed life's uncharted seas or engaged in battles in unknown territory. I've learned that people will go to any length to tell themselves a version of a story based on what truly happened to be able to justify their actions and live with themselves. The more they are in fear the more that story will be farther from your truth. I would like to say "the truth" but we all filter things differently and see the world as we are not as it is so the chances of two stories being the same aren't slim but you would just have to be in the same place emotionally in life as someone else to have it be "the truth". Chances are if you find yourself on the battlefield you aren't in the same place as someone else because they are your opponents.
Opponents try to bring you down, destroy you, and even manipulate you by trying to make their truth yours or the only truth so they can win the battle. Sadly I've faced more of these than I would have liked to. I am truly a person who likes to keep the peace and prefers to discuss things than fight and argue simply for the sake of being right. I can't even recall how many people nor would I want to told me in 2006 that I couldn't do the play, wouldn't win the award, and constantly questioned how I would open and maintain an indie production company. These days that count is down well because after you win an award for your first production ever, go on tour with it, win your favorite author's film competition for your second production, meet him and walk the red carpet with him for the premiere of your film people start to believe in the impossible being possible. What is sad to me about that is people needing to SEE something to believe in it.
That is not who I am anymore. These days I live by one of my favorite quotes by one of my favorite men, "All I have seen teaches me to trust the creator for all I have not seen"~ RW Emerson. When you live your life in awareness that walking through the unknown provides more miracles than the certainty of the "known" you have to rely on blind faith. At least I do and these days while people may no longer try to rock my boat as much with their comments of what I can or can not do the unknown still continues to bring me to unexpected shores. Shores I would rather not land on because once I do I know I will have to be ready to engage in battle if it becomes necessary. All this talk may have you wondering if I fight with others. I don't. I really don't. Aside from my family who knows what buttons to push, its my choice to not react, I am rarely engaged these days. However recently my journey and choices have had me face some people on the battlefield I never dreamed I would.
While I may feel like its my responsibility to take care of me all the time sometimes this leader has to call on her army to help her on the battlefield. I have the most amazing friends in the world who always suit up and show up in the most unbelievable of ways. That is when I see God clearly reminding me how much God loves me. The last year or so has been one of the toughest yet most beautiful years of my life. Beautiful because the unknown continues to bring me miracles and dreams that exceed my own and tough because everything comes at a price. Prices I will never pay are my dignity, morals, beliefs, and values. The last year has been rough because some of those people who used to suit and show up for me once upon a time, did it again but this time they faced me on the battlefield as my opponent.
I won't be bullied by anyone and I will not be turned into someone I am not so people can not only buy their version of what is and live with their choices but also try and sell it to others. If there is something I have proven to be true repeatedly is that the truth does set you free. When you have lived with honesty you can rest your head to sleep at night without thoughts keeping you up. While I am beyond sad that some of the people who were once helping me navigate the unknown as part of my army are now opposing me and trying to destroy me I am beyond grateful that God loved me enough to show me their true colors. I am beyond flabbergasted as to who these people truly are. Time had come for me to move on and when I didn't do the moving for myself God did it for me by exposing me to a level of judgment projected on me with words and actions that only a person in hate with themselves would project on another.
However even as my army grows smaller I am grateful for those who remain and continue to cheer me on and want to see me succeed. After all it's not about the quantity but quality of the army. We know hundreds of poisoned soldiers are no good but ten healthy ones are extraordinary. To me the key to success is not only leading an army but knowing when to step down and become part of that army to allow another leader to shine. As these harsh lessons make their way through my life I am looking forward to what is about to be born of faith once more as I continue my journey through the unknown yet again and Bear Fruit, my first feature film. It's a huge undertaking but everything I have lived has led me here. I am ready to create work that has a message and makes people think yet again. I am resting my sword for now and trusting in the process once more but most of all looking forward to watching all the beautiful talented people God is sending my way be each other's teachers and create art that inspires you to follow your heart.
My opponents have taught me that what matters most is not what happens but how I handle what happens. Once again I believe I let every ounce of my being be genuine when it was attacked and remain true to its morals, values, and beliefs trusting that as we do so is done to us. My journey has taught me that some people's ideas of taking care of themselves is taking down another in the process to ensure their own success. All I have to say to those who tried is, if you invite evil in for a cup of tea it will try to stay for dinner but if you invite it to my dinner you better be ready to be escorted out immediately. ;-) I will always continue to do things my way and I will not tolerate anyone disrespecting me, my beliefs and those I love and their beliefs. I will continue to believe in a world where everyone's individuality can create a unique beautiful world where love, goodness, and faith triumph fear, hatred, and competitiveness. God thank you for giving me the courage to make my way through the unknown on my terms without ever purposely hurting anyone. Thank you for giving me the courage to do things with purpose and love and without selling my soul to my grandest opponent even if it meant biting off more than I could chew. Let the record show I took the BLOW(S) and did it MY WAY!!! ;-)
Monday, May 3, 2010
The gifts of raising a teenage girl.
I recently saw the Blind Side for the second time and this time I cried like a baby. Not that I didn't the first time but maybe the fact that I was in a theater made me a little more reserved. This time in the comforts of my home I wept and wept. It's hard to imagine a world where a mom doesn't want their child and that is the reason for all those tears. I don't want to think that any child isn't LOVED as they DESERVE but sadly it's happening. What I take from this movie is that a mom doesn't want their child because she feels their child deserves better than what she is capable of giving. That doesn't make it any easier to see what the child goes through because of the mom's choices. Choice. That is such a powerful word and action. What we choose really shapes us, our lives, and those we decide to share it with.
I am thinking about this a lot these days because as some of you know I am raising a teenage girl purely by choice of my own while she is not my own. As I type that I keep thinking of Sandra Bullock's words when she was promoting the Blind Side. "Just because a child didn't come from you doesn't mean they aren't yours." While I do not intend to ever replace Zoey's mom or her memories of her the truth is that now I am responsible for raising a teenage girl. I volunteered at Big Brother Big Sister never knowing what awaited me and clearly seeing once we were matched that as usual God always has a plan for me quite more grand than the ones I have for myself. God really trusts me! ;-)
She is a smart, beautiful, and full of energy young lady. I am well aware that she is watching EVERY move I make. My choices are now affecting someone else in a way I never expected until I married and shared this duty with someone else. God as usual had other plans. Everything from what I say to others to how I drive is being scrutinized. I am well aware of this and I am also well aware that all I can do is be genuine and be me. I don't hide ANYTHING from her. Not my sadness nor my excitement. I jumped up and down with her when I was going to Rome for my film's premiere and I confessed why I cried in the car as Taylor Swift's White Horse played. The latter prompted her to say to me when we got out of the car, "You need a hug" and proceeded to give me one. She is making me realize that all I want for her is what my mom wanted for all of her seven kids, happiness.
While I want her happiness more than anything I also don't want for one second to take from her journey or make her a copy of me!! I want her to be Zoey O. at her fullest!!!! Who she was born to be, which is why this weekend was so important and a test of that. She hasn't been doing so great in her honors classes so I had to test my ability to be firm and forgo worrying about being liked for her well being. I gave the speeches my mom gave us and to my surprise they were well received. She shows me more and more everyday that children desire guidance even when it seems like they have been left to fend for themselves as part of their life's plan. (her mom passed when she was 8) She was grounded but was allowed to do what we had planned as well. She knew we would spend all of Saturday catching up on all that homework that was never turned in but Friday night we would stick to our plans.
Friday night reminded me of what it is like to thirteen. Memories came rushing back of the young Adriana who hid from Ricky Martin when my mom went to introduce me. I would go on to meet him several times and my sister in law went on to work with him in a soap opera. ;-) Zoey saw Jason Mraz for the first time Friday night and in the process has shown me how little I care about what anyone thinks of me. ;-) Everytime he walked by she would point and say there's Jason. Even to his face and you should have seen her when she sat in the same aisle as him. At the end of the evening I introduced them and silence with a smile is what became of this chatty teenager. He conversed with her and she said nothing! This picture says it all.
It was reminiscent of this day for me. Look at that smile. Look familiar? I grew into the smile.;-)
In a lot of ways she reminds me of me when I was her age and more and more everyday I see God's plan for the both of us. I am officially a package deal. You want me, then you have to know her and the importance of her in my life. The gifts she has given me continue to show themselves everyday. Most of all she has made my gratitude for my mom grow and grow and grow. I have asked God many times for courage, faith, strength, and patience among other things. Spending the weekend with her reminded me of how God doesn't just give you those qualities. God gives you scenarios where those qualities can be born. All I can hope for her is that she is given the courage in our relationship to witness her own BECOMING! I am there to catch her when she falls but she has got to be the one willing to get back up. I want her to always trust she can be all she dreams of and more as my beautiful friend Jen Marie reminded me I could be when she sent me this song.
"We never know how high we are
Till we are called to rise;
And then, if we are true to plan,
Our statures touch the skies." — Emily Dickinson
I am thinking about this a lot these days because as some of you know I am raising a teenage girl purely by choice of my own while she is not my own. As I type that I keep thinking of Sandra Bullock's words when she was promoting the Blind Side. "Just because a child didn't come from you doesn't mean they aren't yours." While I do not intend to ever replace Zoey's mom or her memories of her the truth is that now I am responsible for raising a teenage girl. I volunteered at Big Brother Big Sister never knowing what awaited me and clearly seeing once we were matched that as usual God always has a plan for me quite more grand than the ones I have for myself. God really trusts me! ;-)
She is a smart, beautiful, and full of energy young lady. I am well aware that she is watching EVERY move I make. My choices are now affecting someone else in a way I never expected until I married and shared this duty with someone else. God as usual had other plans. Everything from what I say to others to how I drive is being scrutinized. I am well aware of this and I am also well aware that all I can do is be genuine and be me. I don't hide ANYTHING from her. Not my sadness nor my excitement. I jumped up and down with her when I was going to Rome for my film's premiere and I confessed why I cried in the car as Taylor Swift's White Horse played. The latter prompted her to say to me when we got out of the car, "You need a hug" and proceeded to give me one. She is making me realize that all I want for her is what my mom wanted for all of her seven kids, happiness.
While I want her happiness more than anything I also don't want for one second to take from her journey or make her a copy of me!! I want her to be Zoey O. at her fullest!!!! Who she was born to be, which is why this weekend was so important and a test of that. She hasn't been doing so great in her honors classes so I had to test my ability to be firm and forgo worrying about being liked for her well being. I gave the speeches my mom gave us and to my surprise they were well received. She shows me more and more everyday that children desire guidance even when it seems like they have been left to fend for themselves as part of their life's plan. (her mom passed when she was 8) She was grounded but was allowed to do what we had planned as well. She knew we would spend all of Saturday catching up on all that homework that was never turned in but Friday night we would stick to our plans.
Friday night reminded me of what it is like to thirteen. Memories came rushing back of the young Adriana who hid from Ricky Martin when my mom went to introduce me. I would go on to meet him several times and my sister in law went on to work with him in a soap opera. ;-) Zoey saw Jason Mraz for the first time Friday night and in the process has shown me how little I care about what anyone thinks of me. ;-) Everytime he walked by she would point and say there's Jason. Even to his face and you should have seen her when she sat in the same aisle as him. At the end of the evening I introduced them and silence with a smile is what became of this chatty teenager. He conversed with her and she said nothing! This picture says it all.
It was reminiscent of this day for me. Look at that smile. Look familiar? I grew into the smile.;-)
In a lot of ways she reminds me of me when I was her age and more and more everyday I see God's plan for the both of us. I am officially a package deal. You want me, then you have to know her and the importance of her in my life. The gifts she has given me continue to show themselves everyday. Most of all she has made my gratitude for my mom grow and grow and grow. I have asked God many times for courage, faith, strength, and patience among other things. Spending the weekend with her reminded me of how God doesn't just give you those qualities. God gives you scenarios where those qualities can be born. All I can hope for her is that she is given the courage in our relationship to witness her own BECOMING! I am there to catch her when she falls but she has got to be the one willing to get back up. I want her to always trust she can be all she dreams of and more as my beautiful friend Jen Marie reminded me I could be when she sent me this song.
"We never know how high we are
Till we are called to rise;
And then, if we are true to plan,
Our statures touch the skies." — Emily Dickinson
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
2012 our END? An Entirely New Direction!
Today is my 2012 and my END is here. It is time to head in an Entirely New Direction. I've awaited this day like a young child awaits Santa full of hope yet anxious wondering if I may get a glimpse of this magical myth. ;-) My magic is being delivered by God through the universe at exactly 1:30pm today. It has been a moment four years in the making. A moment produced by me and my actions but conjured up by God and the universe. We are co creators of this journey and its experiences. I've found myself questioning everything about today and what led to it ever since seeing Clash of the Titans, twice, and Avatar three times. They have made me ponder so much and accept yet again that everything is subjective and none of us really know what is truly out there, if 2012 will or won't happen, and most of all that there are no guarantees.
All of these things make me realize that as hard as today may be in some aspects I am proud of everything I did that led to today's outcome. I lived, took leaps of faith, followed signs only I could understand, and most of all trusted in the wisdom of the universe and God's guidance through the signs. I wish I could tell you what today is about but it's about so many things it would take many blogs to make it make sense as a lot of factors contributed to me coming face to face with one of my biggest fears as I do today.
Clash of Titans and Avatar made me realize we all should follow what feels right to us, our passion, our hearts. Everything is subjective and perceived through your eyes based on your experience, I am not right nor are you. We are simply honoring ourselves and when we do we are able to forge ahead as what feel like insurmountable challenges arrive. While these films had antagonists presented in a very clear way sometimes what can seem like an antagonist is something that is there to help you along the way and show you exactly what you are made of, even if their presence in your story is hard to take. Which leads me to this. I believe in choice more than anything in the world! I believe how we choose to see things attracts just that and creates our reality. I co-created today in a lot of ways. That is the only danger in choice, that we attract what we believe, so my only hope is that you believe you deserve a blessed life and attract it.
As I think about the approaching 2012, will it happen or won't it, all I can think of is no one knows but here's what I do know. I know that if it does happen I am glad I am standing where I will be today and at the same time I don't wish where I will be standing today upon anyone. My journey however has taught me that everywhere it takes me is for a reason and leading me somewhere beyond my imagination and that is why I believe life to be magical. A magical beautiful mess with so much out of our control. If 2012 does come to be I feel that all the planet would be doing is responding like you or I would if someone pulled our hair or kicked us repeatedly with no remorse. You would, or least I know I would, eventually respond. As much as we'd all like to think we'd respond with love repeatedly I honestly think there would come a moment when you would have enough. I feel like our Mother Earth welcomed us with loving arms when we came into existence because it indeed loves us! I also believe we need to show more respect and love back!
I don't believe natural disasters, as highlighted in 2012- which I did not see, are a punishment from the Gods (Clash of Titans), Ewa (Avatar), Universe, or God etc. I believe the planet existed with restrictions and we thought ourselves able to ignore those restrictions because our minds combined with our egos believed we could figure it out and outsmart it. That magic we had as children that allowed us to believe in endless possibilities and their magic was replaced with arrogance and ignorance. To me nature is nature and it has a way of being which we have failed and continue to fail to respect so more repeatedly reactions are triggered. Earthquakes, tsunamis, volcano eruptions, etc. You name it. It's trying to adjust to being overpopulated, unappreciated, and abused. Think about it. If people threw trash on you, tried to build on you in ares you weren't meant to be built on, and borrowed some of your organs hoping that you would still function you too would respond in order to try to restore order to your being.
Am I scared and do I believe 2012 is the END? Yes I do believe the approach of 2012 is the end! An opportunity to embrace an Entirely New Direction that is!!! That's what today is for me. An end that is leading to a new beginning. I was given all the warning signs that this day was approaching and now I embrace it, will close my eyes at 1:30pm, and open them to embrace my Entirely New Direction which will lead to a new beginning. The truth is NONE of us know what will happen in 2012. Neither spiritual beings as I and others are labeled, nor scientists, religion leaders, presidents or know it alls ;-) know what will happen. The truth for me is that the only certainty is uncertainty which leads to the only constant thing being change. Keyword CHANGE! If all of us together change and work to coexist and respect our beautiful planet we call home I believe we can make 2012 about an Entirely New Direction and new beginning! All of these possibilities along with the fact that I am very aware that I am dying everyday make today exactly as it should be.
Like Avatar and Clash of the Titans I believe in something greater than us, which I have no problem calling God. I am fine with not only calling my belief God but also believing in something so magical which I can not see but which time and time again in my journey has proven to me its existence because as an adult I made a choice to redefine what God meant to me. This meant throwing out anything negative, guilt ridden, and that had to do with punishment. Like the lead characters in all those wonderful films I am making a choice to stand for something and that is what today is about. I am standing for the dreamers, believers, caretakers of the planet and everything on it and all who have been told something is impossible. While on the journey that led here I was shown that life happens on life's terms and that is what makes it a beautiful mess. No matter how messy it gets being here to experience the mess for me is beautiful!!! Today like everyday God is here with me to carry me through this into something more amazing by giving me the courage to let go of what I wish was and live what is.
Today I will face something I never believed I would face and certainly not what I wish was. But at 1:30pm pst the end arrives and a new beginning commences. My choices in the past four years along with life on life's terms are the beautiful mess that today is composed of. Four years of challenges, struggles but most of all beautiful blessings! I choose to believe that everything is as it should be and that today is unfolding for my best interest in the long run. As I close this chapter of my life story I can't wait to see what God and the universe are conspiring to bring into my life!!! Bev, Danielle V., and Mary Queen thank you for standing by me not only today but through the past four years that led me here.
My only hope for you is that like me you see the warnings mother nature is sending and live not only for you but for others and be concerned not only with where it will lead but also with how it will affect everyone and everything along the way. Every action has a consequence I hope your actions lead you to consequences that make you proud to be who you are! No matter where your journey leads if you honor yourself you will encounter challenges that produce not only character but also pain and what that pain arrives remember it isn't optional as it is part of being human but suffering is. I had made a choice not to suffer life is too beautiful for that.
I read not too long ago that the real test comes when you loose and I am finding that out today. Although I really don't believe in loss or failure. ;-) I'll leave you with what my therapist told me in 2005 right before I summoned the courage to produce my play and accept it was time to END the life I believed I deserved so I could live my way into a new beginning. "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over it became a butterfly." It's time to leave the icky cocoon spread my wings and fly in an Entirely New Direction!!!
This is for you God. Thank you for raising me up to walk on stormy seas! "I am strong when I am on your shoulders. You raise me up to more than I can be!" You more than anyone know why I did what I did. I love you!
Love your daughter, Adri
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Love truly is all around. If you open your heart you'll see it!
It was in watching Amelie again last night for the first time in a long time that I realized while my friend Jerry paid me a HUGE compliment when he said I reminded him of the character in the film, that I saw I was like her in too many ways and realized I had fallen into an old pattern. Just like Amelie I am terrified of opening my heart to love because I've been handed it back broken one too many times. But when her old fragile neighbor explains to her that he has a broken bone condition that doesn't allow him to be knocked down by life so he can't afford to he is metamorphically telling her to go for it. Why have a beating heart full of love and not use it?! It hit me like a ton of bricks. Like anyone else afraid to hurt again, especially after the most recent situation were due to its abrupt end I am left to wonder due to some of his behavior if he is more Jesse James than my ally, that I hide behind Zoey, my friends, and my wonderful beautiful blessed life.
I was left thinking when the film was done what good does it do me to affirm constantly that 2010 is the year of love when I am sitting at home closed off to the world busy putting all my energy into Zoey, non-profits I work with, a family situation- this I do have to help with or I'd be heartless, ;-) and my next project. All these are great excuses to reply when people ask me about love, "I'm fine I love my independence. The universe will conspire when it's meant to." Which by the way is not a lie. Ask my ex. He couldn't take that I didn't want to be with him everyday and I couldn't take not having time alone. I also believe the universe will conspire when the time is right. However I also know the universe can't conspire without my help. That is the main ingredient in manifesting the life you desire and deserve which consists of believing in it, being open to it, and working towards it. Somedays I feel like so many things aren't right just yet. Like I have somethings I have to take care of on my own in order to be able to give the love I believe any man in a relationship with me deserves. So while I see how I am hiding behind some things I also see that timing is everything and its just not time yet.
For starters I have to get over the fact that until my ex every man prior to him had been well a bit of a Jesse James. It's frightening to type that and see it not only because of the fear of infidelity but because I have to admit while my ex wasn't the man for me he did manage to have a beautiful quality which was that I came before anything else in his eyes. In this era of Tiger and Jesse it's frightening to open your heart. I am in an industry where for some reason people trick themselves into believing that morals and values don't apply to them. I was telling my sister the other day that all the times I've been propositioned by someone in a relationship my immediate answer was NO! It wasn't even something I had to think about. Even when someone I was deeply in love with confessed their feelings to me and asked me what to do I told him to walk away. I just don't see why you would ever want to do something that you would never want someone to do to you. I know it's far more complicated than that and things aren't black and white in some scenarios but I can honestly say I've never had an affair because it's not who I am. While I am human and struggled tremendously with the man I loved his girlfriend always came first and I always reminded him she existed and because of that I believe they are now married, even though the opposite has been interpreted. The truth after all is subjective. It's not in me to cheat but the possibility of others doing it to me has shut me off from the world. I had to admit to myself last night that I had fallen back into a pattern and fear was winning out.
I am grateful for awareness because it allows me to see what I am doing to prevent myself from living the life I deserve. Now that I see it clearly I can spread the love beyond Zoey, family, friends, non-profits, etc. I can take a risk when it feels right. I can trust that while I have encountered a lot of men who seem to want more than what feels right to me it doesn't mean every man is like that. I am realizing yet again that if I open my heart I will see that LOVE truly is all around me. While I believe it is time for me to manifest a beautiful one on one relationship with a man with a beautiful soul that doesn't mean I don't already see all the love that surrounds me and its plenty!!!
It's in walking my journey with complete awareness of my choices that I am able to see a love like no other. One that expects nothing in return and walks away with the feeling it derives from knowing it gave without expecting. That is the kind of love you know from doing for another. One intensified when doing for a complete stranger. While I have spent the last few months working with UNICEF I am not the only one doing for others without expectation. I happen to know some lovely ladies who are also contributing to others without expecting anything other than the well being of those they are working for. My friend Shari has a great site she put up just to help you, yes you, feel the love wherever you may be in this beautiful planet. You can't visit Sharing with Shari
and not feel the love so get over there and start feeling it.
This past weekend I finally attended my friend Alicia's fundraiser. Her fundraiser allows you to do for others while doing for yourself. What is it? Yoga with a cause. Take care of that hard working body of yours while you care for another. Both things well deserved. Alicia and I met online and realized pretty quickly that we were of like minds. Her work speaks to me on many levels. For starters it's for my country of origin Mexico and for children in an orphanage. Two of my nephews are adopted and I know first hand the importance of bringing a child who needs love into your life. While I haven't adopted Zoey I ponder it more and more everyday. It will be interesting to see how it unfolds but I don't need papers to tell me what I already know. I've learned that the term mother can be redefined. My life has shown me that. What it has also shown me is that children long to be cared for and loved!
While I expected Zoey to get mad at me when I set up rules, like clean your room or no more movies on the weekends and no more shopping until we give some stuff away or I'm coming to your school to see why your grades dropped so drastically in one report card letting her know that every action has a consequence and those consequences won't hurt me or her step dad but only her, she actually thanked me for loving her so much. Honestly it was not what I was expecting. I was expecting a roll of the eyes and storming off. This further proves that Alicia's work is crucial. Children need love and care. Not that it wasn't obvious before but caring for them is love. Even if you can't be there to mentor a life you can care in other ways. The orphanage is in desperate need of sponsors. One hundred and sixty dollars a month can change a life! You can read about sponsoring a child here, Tashirat Kids Orphanage
and can email Alicia at aliciagentz@mac.com with any questions.
So you see if we open our hearts we will find that love is all around no doubt. While I make my way through my doubts on the kind of love that will inspire me to create life with someone I have plenty of love to fall in love with. ;-) Carl Jung was very wise when he said that "Your vision will be clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks within, awakens." So I am looking within once again. I am facing my fears, walking through them, and opening up my heart to the love I deserve. I trust God will know when I am ready and will send in the universe to conspire not a minute too soon or a minute too late but like everything in my life, just in time, God's time.
I was left thinking when the film was done what good does it do me to affirm constantly that 2010 is the year of love when I am sitting at home closed off to the world busy putting all my energy into Zoey, non-profits I work with, a family situation- this I do have to help with or I'd be heartless, ;-) and my next project. All these are great excuses to reply when people ask me about love, "I'm fine I love my independence. The universe will conspire when it's meant to." Which by the way is not a lie. Ask my ex. He couldn't take that I didn't want to be with him everyday and I couldn't take not having time alone. I also believe the universe will conspire when the time is right. However I also know the universe can't conspire without my help. That is the main ingredient in manifesting the life you desire and deserve which consists of believing in it, being open to it, and working towards it. Somedays I feel like so many things aren't right just yet. Like I have somethings I have to take care of on my own in order to be able to give the love I believe any man in a relationship with me deserves. So while I see how I am hiding behind some things I also see that timing is everything and its just not time yet.
For starters I have to get over the fact that until my ex every man prior to him had been well a bit of a Jesse James. It's frightening to type that and see it not only because of the fear of infidelity but because I have to admit while my ex wasn't the man for me he did manage to have a beautiful quality which was that I came before anything else in his eyes. In this era of Tiger and Jesse it's frightening to open your heart. I am in an industry where for some reason people trick themselves into believing that morals and values don't apply to them. I was telling my sister the other day that all the times I've been propositioned by someone in a relationship my immediate answer was NO! It wasn't even something I had to think about. Even when someone I was deeply in love with confessed their feelings to me and asked me what to do I told him to walk away. I just don't see why you would ever want to do something that you would never want someone to do to you. I know it's far more complicated than that and things aren't black and white in some scenarios but I can honestly say I've never had an affair because it's not who I am. While I am human and struggled tremendously with the man I loved his girlfriend always came first and I always reminded him she existed and because of that I believe they are now married, even though the opposite has been interpreted. The truth after all is subjective. It's not in me to cheat but the possibility of others doing it to me has shut me off from the world. I had to admit to myself last night that I had fallen back into a pattern and fear was winning out.
I am grateful for awareness because it allows me to see what I am doing to prevent myself from living the life I deserve. Now that I see it clearly I can spread the love beyond Zoey, family, friends, non-profits, etc. I can take a risk when it feels right. I can trust that while I have encountered a lot of men who seem to want more than what feels right to me it doesn't mean every man is like that. I am realizing yet again that if I open my heart I will see that LOVE truly is all around me. While I believe it is time for me to manifest a beautiful one on one relationship with a man with a beautiful soul that doesn't mean I don't already see all the love that surrounds me and its plenty!!!
It's in walking my journey with complete awareness of my choices that I am able to see a love like no other. One that expects nothing in return and walks away with the feeling it derives from knowing it gave without expecting. That is the kind of love you know from doing for another. One intensified when doing for a complete stranger. While I have spent the last few months working with UNICEF I am not the only one doing for others without expectation. I happen to know some lovely ladies who are also contributing to others without expecting anything other than the well being of those they are working for. My friend Shari has a great site she put up just to help you, yes you, feel the love wherever you may be in this beautiful planet. You can't visit Sharing with Shari
and not feel the love so get over there and start feeling it.
This past weekend I finally attended my friend Alicia's fundraiser. Her fundraiser allows you to do for others while doing for yourself. What is it? Yoga with a cause. Take care of that hard working body of yours while you care for another. Both things well deserved. Alicia and I met online and realized pretty quickly that we were of like minds. Her work speaks to me on many levels. For starters it's for my country of origin Mexico and for children in an orphanage. Two of my nephews are adopted and I know first hand the importance of bringing a child who needs love into your life. While I haven't adopted Zoey I ponder it more and more everyday. It will be interesting to see how it unfolds but I don't need papers to tell me what I already know. I've learned that the term mother can be redefined. My life has shown me that. What it has also shown me is that children long to be cared for and loved!
While I expected Zoey to get mad at me when I set up rules, like clean your room or no more movies on the weekends and no more shopping until we give some stuff away or I'm coming to your school to see why your grades dropped so drastically in one report card letting her know that every action has a consequence and those consequences won't hurt me or her step dad but only her, she actually thanked me for loving her so much. Honestly it was not what I was expecting. I was expecting a roll of the eyes and storming off. This further proves that Alicia's work is crucial. Children need love and care. Not that it wasn't obvious before but caring for them is love. Even if you can't be there to mentor a life you can care in other ways. The orphanage is in desperate need of sponsors. One hundred and sixty dollars a month can change a life! You can read about sponsoring a child here, Tashirat Kids Orphanage
and can email Alicia at aliciagentz@mac.com with any questions.
So you see if we open our hearts we will find that love is all around no doubt. While I make my way through my doubts on the kind of love that will inspire me to create life with someone I have plenty of love to fall in love with. ;-) Carl Jung was very wise when he said that "Your vision will be clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks within, awakens." So I am looking within once again. I am facing my fears, walking through them, and opening up my heart to the love I deserve. I trust God will know when I am ready and will send in the universe to conspire not a minute too soon or a minute too late but like everything in my life, just in time, God's time.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Trusting in the results of my efforts.
I have to admit I have never been able to do what I did this past week and truly enjoy it like I did. I decided to take the week off and take care of myself by doing nothing but what I wanted to. I laid in bed, read magazines, caught up on emails, and went out to auditions and to catch up with friends. I LOVED my mundane week. I listened to friends and caught up on their lives and where their beautiful journey has or is taking them. I know come tomorrow its back to work and to Bear Fruit. Pun intended as the title of my next feature is Bearing Fruit. ;-)
As I came down from the high of watching my dream come to life I was left with one question, "Did my efforts pay off?" While I blogged about the journey for the most part I left stuff out that I wanted to stay just between me and God. Things no one needs to know. I prefer to not use names or point fingers because I believe in the end we buy our own payback/lesson with our actions. Yes we shoot ourselves in the foot, no one has to do it for us. What do I mean? Karma! I've seen it take place many of times in my life. So this time I around I just did what I could do as best as I could and continued to strive to take care of myself while taking care of others. I have a tendency to let my passion take over my life and leave taking care of myself for last. Not this time around.
When I felt that there was not more I could do and that I had done all I could I accepted that and moved forward. I hit a point where I knew that it was crucial to TRUST in the results of my efforts and know I couldn't control them. Especially since someone close to me spent a lot of time on this project looking at the glass as half empty no matter what we accomplished! I believe my lesson from this particular teacher was gratitude, gratitude that no matter where my journey takes me I am grateful for everything I am able to accomplish big or small. And no matter what they saw, in the end as I stood at the Roxy I was really proud and happy at how everything turned out and everything I witnessed that night. My eyes saw a beautiful evening for a beautiful cause and I witnessed the universe conspire once again. The ship made it ashore just fine after navigating foggy waters for quite a while. ;-) A lot of people came up to me at one point or another that evening and asked about the talent. The talent was amazing!!! Everything was truly beautiful. See for yourself. UNICEF Tap Project Benefit concert pictures
. Here I am with the Los Angeles Tap Project Team.
Here I am pointing at Sarah's belly because she has a Tap Project baby in there! Conceived while we worked on the project. ;-)
So now as I live my way into the what next and try to figure out how much effect we really had I have to remind myself that for me the most important thing is trust. Trust in God, the universe, their guidance and that everything is at it should be. We really did do a phenomenal job for six months. I can't speak for everyone but I know that I lived and breathed the UNICEF Tap Project every waking moment. It's time to let go and move on. TRUST that the children will be taken care of. My part of helping take care of them has been done. I have to trust that God and the universe have got it now. They guided me to and through what I needed to contribute to their well being and its done.
It sounds so weird to type it and see it. This six month journey is over. As I think back I am grateful that I hung in there. There were indeed plenty of opportunities to give up and walk away. I risked a lot and carried so much weight. Sometimes it felt like 100,000 pounds were resting just on my shoulders. Indeed they were but I knew and trusted that risking being crushed by that weight was worth it because I knew it would not crush me. I'd been here before and believe it or not it gets easier everytime. It's my surroundings that allow it to. You see I can honestly say this town's superficiality has gotten even the best of people. When I feel like I can't take one more conversation about who someone lives next to or what diet they are on because so and so is doing it or what designer is the latest trend I realize then that it is just that conversation that makes me realize what matters to me. I think I carry the weight on my shoulders because I can't be just one more person who cares about just me. I can't imagine a life where the most important thing was what I owned, who I hung out with, what I accomplished, and what I looked like to others.
Maybe I am in the town I'm in because it drives me to push harder down my path. The one I create for myself where every 100,000 pounds lying on my shoulders turn into something magical because I carried the weight through to the end and let it go just in time. It's about to be let go again just in time. April 20th to be exact. If you think of me that day perhaps say a prayer. I'm facing a fear face to face that day that has been a long time coming and as much as it choose me I choose it. As a result of my faith I took myself to some pretty risky places which includes April 20th and I am glad I did! I have lived amazing things and in the end believe in everything I have done in the past FOUR years that led to April 20th. I don't care what anyone thinks not because I am rude or insensitive but because what you think of me, my choices, or my journey is pointless. You aren't me you wouldn't understand why I have risked all I have. I would do everything in the past four years just the same if asked to do over because I trust in the wisdom of the universe and guidance of God that everything is as it should be to prepare me to live what I have aka the magical moments and help me grow. Even the stuff that truly sucks. And yes there have been things that tested my faith. Loosing friends, a soul mate, and being harshly judged by the people you deeply love. But I know my day has come and so has the day for all the children of the Tap Project. We will RISE! Appropriate because of the day I am typing this. ;-)
Often times we wonder why someone receives something, quickly judging that they weren't deserving of it. For example I saw so many posts about how Sandra Bullock did not deserve her award and while she was primarily being awarded for the performance she I believe had also earned it based on merit and her journey. One I can assume has not been easy since I have been in this town long enough to know that doing things your way is not what Hollywood desires. They simply want you to take a number, join the cattle call and wait for your turn. She didn't and what you and I don't know and do not need to know I believe earned her that Oscar. Believe in yourselves, your journey, and where it could take you REGARDLESS of what anyone else thinks. The most important thoughts are your own. Be sure you decipher between what is truly your thinking and others thinking.
My hope for you is that when life guides down a path where you are asked to take a HUGE risk that you take it and see where it leads you. That magic some envy in others lives has NOTHING to do with them being a good person or not. TRUST ME I've encountered some people with truly magical lives who aren't that great to themselves or others and when I questioned how they could be so successful while trying to take others down in the process I realized it's about the risk. The risk and taking it has nothing to do with being GOOD when the magic arrives. It's up to you to choose if you will do good with the reward your risk produces or if you will hoard it. For the sake of this planet and its evolution I hope you have the courage to do good no matter how difficult the journey down that path is. A lot of the time the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do. Trust me I've lived it but I've also lived its rewards and I'm about to go sit in one of its rewards. My car was a reward from a very difficult journey. While it's just a car it is a constant reminder that on April 20th God and the universe will show up once more.
HAPPY EASTER!!! MAY WHATEVER YOU BELIEVE IN CONTINUE TO GIVE YOU THE COURAGE TO LOVE YOURSELF, LIFE, AND EVERYONE AS BEST AS YOU CAN!
As I came down from the high of watching my dream come to life I was left with one question, "Did my efforts pay off?" While I blogged about the journey for the most part I left stuff out that I wanted to stay just between me and God. Things no one needs to know. I prefer to not use names or point fingers because I believe in the end we buy our own payback/lesson with our actions. Yes we shoot ourselves in the foot, no one has to do it for us. What do I mean? Karma! I've seen it take place many of times in my life. So this time I around I just did what I could do as best as I could and continued to strive to take care of myself while taking care of others. I have a tendency to let my passion take over my life and leave taking care of myself for last. Not this time around.
When I felt that there was not more I could do and that I had done all I could I accepted that and moved forward. I hit a point where I knew that it was crucial to TRUST in the results of my efforts and know I couldn't control them. Especially since someone close to me spent a lot of time on this project looking at the glass as half empty no matter what we accomplished! I believe my lesson from this particular teacher was gratitude, gratitude that no matter where my journey takes me I am grateful for everything I am able to accomplish big or small. And no matter what they saw, in the end as I stood at the Roxy I was really proud and happy at how everything turned out and everything I witnessed that night. My eyes saw a beautiful evening for a beautiful cause and I witnessed the universe conspire once again. The ship made it ashore just fine after navigating foggy waters for quite a while. ;-) A lot of people came up to me at one point or another that evening and asked about the talent. The talent was amazing!!! Everything was truly beautiful. See for yourself. UNICEF Tap Project Benefit concert pictures
. Here I am with the Los Angeles Tap Project Team.
Here I am pointing at Sarah's belly because she has a Tap Project baby in there! Conceived while we worked on the project. ;-)
So now as I live my way into the what next and try to figure out how much effect we really had I have to remind myself that for me the most important thing is trust. Trust in God, the universe, their guidance and that everything is at it should be. We really did do a phenomenal job for six months. I can't speak for everyone but I know that I lived and breathed the UNICEF Tap Project every waking moment. It's time to let go and move on. TRUST that the children will be taken care of. My part of helping take care of them has been done. I have to trust that God and the universe have got it now. They guided me to and through what I needed to contribute to their well being and its done.
It sounds so weird to type it and see it. This six month journey is over. As I think back I am grateful that I hung in there. There were indeed plenty of opportunities to give up and walk away. I risked a lot and carried so much weight. Sometimes it felt like 100,000 pounds were resting just on my shoulders. Indeed they were but I knew and trusted that risking being crushed by that weight was worth it because I knew it would not crush me. I'd been here before and believe it or not it gets easier everytime. It's my surroundings that allow it to. You see I can honestly say this town's superficiality has gotten even the best of people. When I feel like I can't take one more conversation about who someone lives next to or what diet they are on because so and so is doing it or what designer is the latest trend I realize then that it is just that conversation that makes me realize what matters to me. I think I carry the weight on my shoulders because I can't be just one more person who cares about just me. I can't imagine a life where the most important thing was what I owned, who I hung out with, what I accomplished, and what I looked like to others.
Maybe I am in the town I'm in because it drives me to push harder down my path. The one I create for myself where every 100,000 pounds lying on my shoulders turn into something magical because I carried the weight through to the end and let it go just in time. It's about to be let go again just in time. April 20th to be exact. If you think of me that day perhaps say a prayer. I'm facing a fear face to face that day that has been a long time coming and as much as it choose me I choose it. As a result of my faith I took myself to some pretty risky places which includes April 20th and I am glad I did! I have lived amazing things and in the end believe in everything I have done in the past FOUR years that led to April 20th. I don't care what anyone thinks not because I am rude or insensitive but because what you think of me, my choices, or my journey is pointless. You aren't me you wouldn't understand why I have risked all I have. I would do everything in the past four years just the same if asked to do over because I trust in the wisdom of the universe and guidance of God that everything is as it should be to prepare me to live what I have aka the magical moments and help me grow. Even the stuff that truly sucks. And yes there have been things that tested my faith. Loosing friends, a soul mate, and being harshly judged by the people you deeply love. But I know my day has come and so has the day for all the children of the Tap Project. We will RISE! Appropriate because of the day I am typing this. ;-)
Often times we wonder why someone receives something, quickly judging that they weren't deserving of it. For example I saw so many posts about how Sandra Bullock did not deserve her award and while she was primarily being awarded for the performance she I believe had also earned it based on merit and her journey. One I can assume has not been easy since I have been in this town long enough to know that doing things your way is not what Hollywood desires. They simply want you to take a number, join the cattle call and wait for your turn. She didn't and what you and I don't know and do not need to know I believe earned her that Oscar. Believe in yourselves, your journey, and where it could take you REGARDLESS of what anyone else thinks. The most important thoughts are your own. Be sure you decipher between what is truly your thinking and others thinking.
My hope for you is that when life guides down a path where you are asked to take a HUGE risk that you take it and see where it leads you. That magic some envy in others lives has NOTHING to do with them being a good person or not. TRUST ME I've encountered some people with truly magical lives who aren't that great to themselves or others and when I questioned how they could be so successful while trying to take others down in the process I realized it's about the risk. The risk and taking it has nothing to do with being GOOD when the magic arrives. It's up to you to choose if you will do good with the reward your risk produces or if you will hoard it. For the sake of this planet and its evolution I hope you have the courage to do good no matter how difficult the journey down that path is. A lot of the time the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do. Trust me I've lived it but I've also lived its rewards and I'm about to go sit in one of its rewards. My car was a reward from a very difficult journey. While it's just a car it is a constant reminder that on April 20th God and the universe will show up once more.
HAPPY EASTER!!! MAY WHATEVER YOU BELIEVE IN CONTINUE TO GIVE YOU THE COURAGE TO LOVE YOURSELF, LIFE, AND EVERYONE AS BEST AS YOU CAN!
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