Sleeping with the devil

I've been sleeping with the devil and quite frankly it's exhausting. I read today, we either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong- the amount of work is the same. It was like a ton of bricks hit me and I awakened knowing I have chosen to sleep with the devil. Chosen you ask? Yes chosen because everything is a choice. Everything is in my view in my almost forty years, perception.

I have been perceiving that I am too tired because of my new journey, motherhood and my into the next lifetime relationship with my fiancé Travis. Like anything these relationships with these two beautiful souls takes work! No one truly explains how much work is needed in both and advertisers sell a glow of happiness in both, which is definitely part of the journey on my new path but it's not an everyday thing. Due to that I've made up my mind to choose that I am too tired. That I've given my all to everything and I'm too tired for me.

For yoga, alone time, meditation, peace in my heart, patience with my soul and Travis', Al Anon meetings and all the things that made me who I am. Those gifts born of sixteen years in LA, I've chosen to put away because Austin has therapy, Gymboree, dentist appointment, ER visit because he fell from a shopping cart, pool time, play time, redo his room time and oh yeah maybe Travis and I can hang somewhere in between. 

I rest my body every night wishing for me time, for rest, for things that I've chosen to give up and instead comfort myself in the arms of the devil, it's negative energy is easier to absorb when the mind is weak and the body is tired. But those restless nights are coming to an end.

All I have to do is close my eyes and I see it all. New York photo shoots with Glamour Magazine. Walking down the red carpet in Rome with my favorite author for winning his film competition. Getting the car I won at an award ceremony in LA, my first commercial, choosing dresses and the list is endless.

Then I stay focused with my eyes closed and I see even more, deeper and the journey comes back. The journey to all those beautiful moments. The rejections over and over, being told I didn't look Latina enough. Not booking one single TV show in sixteen years in LA. Applying for thousands of grants and receiving one. Rejection after rejection after rejection meant I had to get back up and keep walking in faith.

So I did and one day God said this way, follow your heart, the money will follow. Huh? This way... No I think this way I would say upon hearing this and then just like that overnight I said okay I AM READY, your way it is. I smile as I think of the door that opened and the journey that led there.

A door ten years later is wanting me to open it but I've been too comfy with the devil's toxic seductions until it simply got to be too much and I heard a song that reminded me what I did when it all got to be too much four years ago. I started a new journey and put an end to a suffocating path that wanted to be left behind. In doing so I birthed a relationship I've never had with a loving caring PATIENT man and we birthed a soul so beautiful only God could be behind all this.

So today I am choosing to once again sleep in the arms of my beloved God and receive its comfort! Like most people I am uncertain of what God looks like but I am not uncertain of the miracles born when I choose to partner with God. So here I grow once again into the arm's of something so powerful that what I am about to give birth to will blow us all away. It's time to put into action what I was quoted as saying in Glamour Magazine when I won my award in 2006, mentor young LA children who want to make their inner voices ring true. You're up Austin, Texas...

So now it's time to rise to the challenge like a skyscraper. Blessed to once again see the signs and be able to follow them to an entirely new direction (END) and put an end to sleeping with the devil. The time has come to put an END (Entirely New Direction) to this toxic relationship. I WILL RISE LIKE A SKYSCRAPER!

The art and importance of surrender.

My son is peacefully sleeping next to me as he woke at 5am and partied. He's been an early riser since birth. I've been a neurotic first time mom since his birth. We have had a beautiful journey together in these two and a half years since his arrival and in the time he spent within me growing. It was then that I developed this over sensitive sense of feeling like anything I did could hurt him. It was while he, the miracle within me, grew that I felt an overwhelming sense of responsibility and a complete understanding of my journey to Austin, Texas and most of all my journey as a human being on this planet. After all, the most I will leave behind are the words I instill in him. Words, words he has not been able to speak yet and what brings me here to my most treasured past time once again, writing.

Am I to blame? Did the vaccines do it? Is it autism? What if I didn't have any caffeine at all while pregnant? Could the zofran have done it? Damn it must be the zofran and why did I give in to the pain of pregnancy long morning sickness known as hyperemesis? This is where I am today, in this moment as I type this. Austin Enrique has been in therapy since he was eighteen months old, when others told me not to worry, and my mamadar said otherwise. There has been so much improvement. More than I have to time to write about as I know he will wake soon. Today at two and half he has what they consider the language of a 6-9 month old, a severe delay. He communicates just fine, just not with words. I was also given a list of things he should be doing but doesn't yet and then handed what threw me over the edge, because as anyone who knows me knows I am very sensitive, the neurologist talk.

We had this talk before but my pediatrician didn't see a need. Without disrespect to her diagnosis they want me to reconsider. I cried and cried. I told her I knew that this was not a big deal, that this was not an incurable disease but somehow I can't quite contain what I feel inside. Anger, sadness, lost, why me syndrome, why him, I did this....and it goes on and on. One thing that has changed so much I dislike myself for it, is my conviction that above all God has the last word. When it comes to Austin, my son, I struggle so much, more than I care to admit, to let go and let God. How so you say? I drive myself insane working to help him say the words he longs or maybe doesn't.

There's  a toy that worked in therapy, no longer made, I hunt it down, There's a book that worked. I hunt it down. He can't make a session for various reasons I make sure he makes it up. Pre school check. Play time at the Y check. The list goes on and here is why none of this will ever satisfy me, because he will talk on God's time, not mine. That is where I have become a first level student in life for sure, in understanding that this is HIS journey not mine and I am simply his guide and that the best I can do is what I do and let go, surrender and trust.

Once upon a time in LA LA land of all places I knew this. Los Angeles of all places, was the greatest teacher I had encountered until now. It taught me to surrender, to let go, to accept, to embrace detours, to never give up, to see beyond what the eye can see and go within, to trust the process, to dance in the storm instead of waiting for it to pass, to believe in the unseen and to see with my heART. All things I have somehow forgotten since becoming a mom. Things I long to remember when I hear what I did today. As she spoke words of concern I clearly heard, remember God has the final say, and perhaps there's a glimmer of hope that I am not entirely lost in motherhood.

I don't mind being lost in motherhood but I certainly do dislike being lost in the constant thoughts of fear, for him, his journey, my mistakes. I keeping seeing the light in the dark skies that cover Texas as it's storm season. It pierces so powerfully through all the darkness summoning me asking me to see the woman I am and have always been, asking me to leave behind the thoughts of fear that becoming a mother have birthed and nursed.

What lies ahead I don't know but perhaps Ralph Waldo Emerson knew well from his experience what fear accomplished so he chose wisely these words he left behind, "What lies before us and what lies behind us are small matters compared to what lies within us." I've been here before. I met the darkness in the midst of a battlefield called Los Angeles many times and while I didn't always win, I grew towards the light with every battle. It appears the war has come and it is time to re learn how to choose the right words that allow the thoughts within to birth trust that all is as it should be and he is and will be fine. As I grow through this journey and accept that just for today I am overcome by fear (False Evidence Appearing Real) I trust that just like I have in the past I will win. My son is what I defend in this war and I have the intention of arming myself once again with all the bravery in the world, which sixteen years in LA gifted me so I can forgive myself and once again LET GO AND LET GOD! As I trust this will give way to a dream that exceeds my expectations, a dream where his words will be heard, right on time, not a minute too soon, a minute too late or on the developMENTAL guideline time but God's time.

Dear Austin Enrique,

I am humbled by your lessons. I am grateful! I love you more than words could ever express because for some things there simply are no words. You wouldn't have to say that you love me because I already know. More than words....

Love,

Mama Adri

The art of self care after parenthood

I have found that there are some people in life whose soul purpose or it seems is to make you as unhappy as they are. For me this lesson is repeating itself and as the teacher arrives I confess I the student was caught off guard and unprepared.

I have in my almost thirty-nine years entered many classrooms but somewhere in the last almost two years I lost some of my tools and knowledge. Look I'd hate to blame the cutest culprit around but he took half my brain cells. Parenting as I see it for now is my greatest teacher and I am learning for two so I really want to excel on every level. From his nutrition, my greatest teacher so far, to his learning abilities I am on top of it all so much so I'm even cooking now to make sure his body is fed in a way that benefits his growth, especially with all the needs of his growing brain. Gotta love that DHA producing cod liver oil!

In the process of focusing so strongly on my class with Austin I have completely forgotten, even when opportunity arises, to go to my self care class. So much so that when the latest teachers arrived, they are tied to me by blood and always present but the more unhappy they become the harder the lesson, I was caught of guard.

I love my son in a way words can't express and don't suffice so my assumption is you do too. Who wouldn't? Sadly some don't. Some people's broken hearts, path and journey fills them with pain, sadness and the taste for life becomes bitter. So when you encounter them and share a classroom with them they want you to follow their lead instead of the greatest teacher I have found. I prefer to follow God aka the light aka God and the universe aka whatever you label it, as love truly needs no label. It's such a powerful feeling no word can truly grasp it or define it.

However in the process of focusing on what I consider to be my most important class at this point in my life, I couldn't seem to find the tools that fight off the darkness when it descended and told me and showed me it does not care for me or my accomplishments, once again calling me a soul composed of LA bullshit. Then it attacked and said I cost so much and reminded me that I've always been viewed as a burden and I did what Bev has always suggested I don't do. I bought a ticket, took my seat and rode the carousel that goes round and round and arrives no where.

In becoming Austin's mom I lost my ability to be compassionate with myself and others. Especially those who have a come to teach me repeatedly how truly sick the darkness can make a soul. This lesson is a constant in my life and while I hopped on the carousel I spoke words so unlike my character I actually got sick, physically sick.

Temporarily the darkness consumed me and I told the attacker FU. I realize that to some of you this may not seem like a big deal and honestly I won't lie, it felt a little good until it didn't. That was when my body shut down on me and I realized what I had done goes so against what life has taught me.

I have a fellow student in my current classroom who is also tied by blood who has always loved me as I am and as she sees me, her precious little sister. Roni can recall like it was yesterday the first time she saw me and the excitement she felt. She is always by my side whispering, forgive. She says forgive because I hate to see what not forgiving does to you and she's right. The darkness is truly that, dark. Heavy. Suffocating and so not who I am.

This lesson in this current classroom, I foresee is going to be a tough one because my mind keeps relating family to support and love. I keep thinking that they go hand and in hand. Or that they must but sometimes our greatest teachers are the precise people that will lead us to success, as their doubt fuels our passion and fire.

I will focus on that. I will have gratitude for their dislike for me, my career, my choices, and my LA bullshit. All this culminating in their constant pull at me to change me has actually gifted me a life where my dreams are exceeded! I have been pushed towards the light when their hope was to drag me into the darkness and there lies the greatest question of this lesson. Were this not my classroom and teacher would I know to love myself first? To believe despite all labels of failure? To push beyond their limited mind?

Often I wonder what the word family truly means. I speak not of the dictionary version but the real life version. I conclude for all it's different. For me I continue learning it's focusing on my classmate Roni and her whispers to forgive. The saviors God sent when my blood ties questioned every move I made upon my move Austin, my two boys. The friends that have supported me when I walked the red carpet in Rome and when I lost it all and needed to sleep on their couch and call it my bed. The ones that built me a home when I lost mine.

There in these words is the answer to my current lesson, family are who we choose to walk this journey with and as I've said before, on this road trip called life choose your passengers wisely. Especially those that accompany you as the whispers in your head. Those I believe must be the whispers of love and love only.

After a failed course this student returns to class as the lesson is currently being re-taught. I return with my focus back on what matters most to me! Gratitude for you and your kindness! For that I'm in debt to YOU and humbled by your heART AND I could HAVE NEVER gone this far without you!! So I'd like to thank you for it! Listen she sings it best.

Learning to find my voice in the balancing act of motherhood.

This week a friend said to me, write, and so I came to write as my son sleeps. As I logged in I realized my last post was in October and my last two posts were almost a year apart! No inspiration does not allude me but the source(s) of it require full time attention that allow room for little else and as I type that I realize I still have more work to do in balancing the art of motherhood. The balancing act is hard for many reasons, and a prominent one would be that I always wanted to be mom so I want to be present and delight in the gift it is. Gifts of rediscovery of the world and everything in it. Also if you know me you know I'm a recovering control addict, so I like to be in charge of being his guide/protector, but who am I kidding I'm not the main one. That one presides in the magic and unseen of our existence in between this material world and the other, which I choose to see as spiritual where magic beyond our minds ability to conceive is conjured up. Where my dream of being his mom was conjured up before it was gifted to me in the most amazing of ways.

Yesterday while I Zumba'd my morning away and he played with fellow toddlers I received a text, which triggered a lot of reflecting. A text that reminded me of the importance of surrender and the magic of truly letting go. I've been practicing surrendering long enough to know the difference between true surrender and letting go and when I tell myself I am doing it but I am not genuinely doing so. Awareness allows me to call myself on it and try again. Yet this text reminded me that I was so surrendered to the process that I forgot this possibility could come to fruition. It helps that I am so busy some days I forget what I did the day before. Toddlers are serious beings with curious eyes and require full attention in the guidance of the ways of this world, from playtime to sleep for their well being. Motherhood is no joke and makes what I do for a living look like a cake walk and is a constant reminder of what is most important.

It is with that thought in mind that I show up for auditions and let me share that it takes the weight of everything off of me. Knowing that my most important job is at home waiting for me and my guidance. So when my agent sent a text during my Zumba class that read I was the choice for my tv audition of the week I was humbled by the ways of the universe! I felt an immense gratitude for the way in which God and the universe show up and remind me they've got it. The most amazing thing is the director is someone whom I longed to work with when I arrived in Austin. Someone whose tenacity I admired and what that tenacity has done for Latinos in our field, yet it never worked out.

Not for the first two years I was here and then on my almost three year anniversary of my move to Austin, there it was. The text that to some would look like a booking but to me was a universal conspiracy to cross my path with his. I had let go, I had surrendered and left it in God's hands and there it was, the magic of surrender, timing. The time has come and I am ready! When the time is right I will reveal what I was ready for. All I think of is thank God, God believes in me perhaps more than I sometimes do and that while I am currently delighting in being Austin's mom I am still able to follow my heART! Back in December I booked a Lowes commercial and I was able to take my son to work as he was booked for the commercial too! Then as I struggled to surrender I was gifted the news that I was in three commercials! It was an improvised campaign with hidden cameras and when they did final edits were able to make three commercials from my work!

No one cast was guaranteed a final commercial and yet God did what I've known God to do best, in all my different detoured journey paths, exceed my dreams! Reasons for detours revealed, always in my best interest! I can't help but think of all the voices in my head. The committee, which constitutes of everyone I've encountered and who tries to divert my path to justify their standstill at a station they don't want to be at. Those who monitor the weight of my greatest accomplishment, saying it's taking too long to come off and it's a shame I let myself go. Believing it'd be hard for me to work like this. Those who said I would never get better treatment then what they gave me and no one would hire me in Austin. Those who dreams seem so distant they carry the weight of the distance and are determined to pass it on. To them I say may God open your heart so your eyes can see that anything is possible! The only limitations are the ones YOU allow your mind to confine you to!

Oh and a gentle reminder, this is the path that led me to be able to sit here this morning, in our house windows open listening to the birds while the wind blows in and I have the privilege of watching our son on the monitor.
"And She Danced, Life after loss" Documentary Trailer from Adriana Garza Productions on Vimeo.


Do you honestly think your words would detour me from God's gifts after what I've lived to get to today? After writing this it looks like I'm learning to find myself, my voice in the art of motherhood just fine. Actually making more than I ever did in Los Angeles and my commercials there had residuals, which goes to show that limited thinking creates limited living. My voice will never be silenced my someone's injustice and their willingness to pass on their lost soul's perception nor will it be something I expose Austin too because in the end all my journey has ever done is cracked me open so my light could shine brighter and I've grown stronger. Something I'll always be glad I can share with Austin in the detoured path city that led to his arrival and namesake. Dear Son because of you I'm learning to balance! You are a great teacher! THANK YOU! Lets keeping growing stronger along with dad. Thank you for being our greatest act of love! For you we soldier on!

Thank you Ana for encouraging me to write again!

The gifts of a broken dream!

There are so many words that could express what I feel when I look at him but endless gratitude would best describe it. Gratitude for all that the city of lost souls gifted me for sixteen years and especially the last two that were the ones that redirected my path so that on November 20,2013 I could hold my biggest dream come to life in my arms, my son Austin Enrique.

I was telling Travis the other day that I still can't believe this is my life! I remember so vividly no longer wanting to ask for help from anyone, shivering in bed from anxiety in my 200 square foot apartment in Los Angeles after loosing what seemed like everything at the time and finally saying to God that while it all wasn't clear as to why, I wouldn't question God's will anymore and simply move to Austin, Texas where I felt the signs were re-directing me. Signs like the Texas license plates I kept seeing everywhere in Los Angeles, signs like being at callbacks and not booking the jobs, and signs like simply not being able to secure work and financial stability. A few months prior, in a matter of a month I was let go the day before wardrobe from a Honda commercial I had been cast in as the lead, lost my apartment of eleven years and due to creative differences walked away from what would have been my first feature length film production. At the time it all seemed too much as these were the gifts of my thirty-fifth birthday, which happened that same month and day after being let go and replaced on the commercial shoot.

I always say God has a reason that sometimes, in my case most times, is not seen in the moment. It is slowly revealed to me as I journey through life growing in many characteristics like faith and strength. Lost is what I felt the most when I arrived in Austin. Desperately trying to find solid ground only to have some of my family members shake my ground with their constant fears and doubts. What was I doing here? What would I do? Couldn't I just take a job at Starbucks? I mean after all they have benefits. I struggled to stay head above water but I did and as I swam in the tides of my new life the currents carried me in the direction of my best friend, Travis. The other day I told him how grateful I was for that night in LA when anxiety consumed me and took me to the point it did because it drove me to him. Literally! I got up, told Bev about my choice, packed my bags, called the movers, got in my car with Areli and drove to Texas without looking back but simply looking forward to a new beginning.

I could have never imagined what would be bestowed upon me back in my home state. Recently I was listening to a song and it spoke about broken dreams. All that came to mind for me was that to me a dream truly isn't broken unless I am not open to the possibility of my dream exceeding what I originally dreamt and it becoming a different, much more rewarding fruition. This can only happen if my heart is open so my eyes can see. See what you ask? Signs that lead me in my life and create along with my choices, extraordinary circumstances and take what some may see as a broken dream and create a new more magical dream. What I believe is a dream only becomes a broken dream if you weren't open to the original dream being exceeded and taking you to different more beautiful direction than you originally planned. A closed mind can create a broken dream. But an open mind can create a magical dream. I'm staring into his eyes right now and he sees me doing this and smiles. All ten months of his existence look at me with an adoring love! His huge smile proving to me that an open mind created this magical dream of a life I lead now!

It hasn't been easy and while I am madly in love with being a mom I have like any mom suffered anxiety, felt overwhelmed, and longed for sleep. Often wondered if I would ever sleep again but any of those fears and thoughts are made so much easier when I think of what I created thanks to a "broken dream". A life, a boy sent here through me and his dad to be Austin Enrique McGehee. So thank God for the courage to let go, to be redirected, to know and trust that like it had before, the pain that broke me was letting in the very light that made me shine again and gave me strength to become a mother. The hardest job in the world and yet the best!! I thought I had accomplished all my dreams and even exceeded what I had dreamt but as usual God had more, much more than I could ever imagine. He is the sweetest most loving soul. His smile, his dad's, is contagiuous and his wonder infectious.

It is beyond a delight to see him discover the world. You should see the way he stares at his hands as he finally acquires control. Or the way he proudly props up what was considered by his pediatrician, a head that is too big. Be it so he is a magical soul discovering this world and we are his guides. He is greatest, most profound teacher as every day he challenges us to stay in the moment and be present to the miracle that he and life are and to try as best as we can to love the now. I can honestly say that I have been tested the most as I have wanted nothing more than to protect him at all cost. I've surrendered to God after drowning in fear and trying to take my fiance with me. His fragile being provided me with a fragile mindset and yet when I watched him thrive in the NICU at one week old I realized exactly what a resilient soul I was being blessed with.

So as we continue our journey I admit to many a faults that becoming his mother have brought out in me and yet every step of the way there has been a beacon of light in the form of an earthbound angel. It begins with his co creator and dad Travis to Ruth Py. I would like to leave this blog expressing gratitude for all who have helped along the way of this incredible broken dream. ;-) Ondrea for all the clothes, my mom and Travis' mom for all the unsolicited advice, which was ultimately in my son's best interest, everyone who came to the baby shower, everyone who wished us well everywhere this crazy blessing called the internet allowed them to and anyone who I am forgetting the best part is God knows what you did. If there was one wish from me to you is to help make your journey easier as you transition to mom so you can LIVE in the blessing of what a gift it is to become one. So here are some of those angels in many forms that made this uncharted territory oh so much easier. Please allow yourself the time to get lost on these sites and I ask you to do what I felt I failed at this time but won't next time. Ask for help because it truly takes a village! May your broken dream gift you the life of your dreams!

Austin's only all natural baby store and where I discovered how to treat my son's colic naturally! https://www.facebook.com/TheNaturalBabyCompanyAustinTX?fref=ts

The BEST doula in the world! ;) She guided us as we put our son on a raw milk formula, best decision ever!  http://www.doularuth.com

HERE'S TO BROKEN DREAMS! THANK YOU LOS ANGELES FOR BREAKING ME OPEN AND SHINING THE LIGHT THAT GUIDED ME TO MY FAMILY!!! Merci Los Angeles, for being the angel that lead me HOME!

The art and cost of bearing fruit by following the signs.

I just got back from checking on my two boys. My two favorite boys that is. It is still so beautifully surreal to be able to say that. I had gotten to a point in my life last year were I had decided to accept what was and not what I wished was. I decided that if God's will was for me to not bear children and create a family of my own that would mean he had a bigger plan, yet I always knew if it didn't happen I would have to let go of my biggest, longest running dream. Perhaps it was that surrendering that caused the after affect. After all I believe surrendering our will to our higher power, God or whatever you believe in creates miracles, which is how this miracle of a life I now lead came to be. I would hate to ever give the impression that something is easy so how I came to bear fruit is always on my mind. You see two years ago on the eve of my thirty-fifth birthday I lost it "all", so I thought. Home, commercial gig and Bearing Fruit rights, which was to be my first feature length film. Little did I know then what letting go of life as I knew it would produce. At that time while I always wanted a family I also very much was a woman married to my career. I lived in a city that encouraged that more than anything. A city that I can see clearly now encouraged a lot of things, most of which have nothing to do with my being and a lot which made me who I am today so I am GRATEFUL for the sixteen years spent there. In that city I believe families are not one of its top promoted gifts of life and existence so God detoured my path with a lot of signs and pushing me off a cliff so I could land firmly where I have today. It's been almost two weeks since what some refer to as a bundle of joy has been with us. Everytime I stare at Austin, named after the city that changed my life and made it more magical than I thought possible, I see God's magic. The city I came from saw magic in the accolades of an industry that honored things I have come to realize now are amazing and beautiful but don't quiet compare to the magic I live now and am honored to be able to. Once upon a time my joy came from producing my work, walking red carpets, winning a car and lets face it posting one too many pics of myself and my accomplishments bordering between promotion of my art and narssasistic behavior promoted and encouraged by my work. Work that I still love but that in my view of the world I have come to understand is second to what I do now. I change poopy diapers, feed Austin every three hours and make sure he survives and thrives. Something he has been doing since he was in my womb as I was sick with hyperemesis and in the ER during and after pregnancy more than I'd like to have been. How I describe what I live for doing now is how the world sees it, but what I have come to learn quickly is that what I am doing is molding a life to help him become who he came to be. Perhaps my toughest challenge in life, to surrender what I want for him and allow him to be, flourish and grow as he is meant to. I am simply his guide. Simply yet last week I learned the IMPORTANCE of that simplicity when we spent Thanksgiving and my birthday in the Newborn Intensive Care Unit due to dehydration something his mom knows a lot about as I spent some time in ER for the same thing. However he is new to this world and there was nothing more terrifying than watching him hooked up to the iv and in a warmer while constant tests were being done to eliminate everything. It was then I realized how big my job is everyday, how much it will grow each day and how in love I am with this little man who will one day become a human being, man who I pray has come to make a difference. I would whisper in his ear how everyone was there to make him better and although I felt they went in the direction of testing for too much I surrendered accepting it be best to look everywhere and find nothing than to look in one spot and miss something. I assured him all were angels there to help get better and held tightly to my faith as what I have come to understand is the most important thing in life was at risk. There is a cost to bearing anything in life and I have lived a very very magical life which has allowed me to manifest many beautiful things but trust me when I am asked to proceed into the next lifetime I am certain all the awards or car I won will hold no value. What will matter is how I helped this young man become who he was meant to. How by doing all those daily tasks of being just a mom as some say I helped him become what his dad and I hope for him everyday, brave. Brave to be, brave to smile, brave to try new things, brave to have hope, faith and strength and brave, oh so brave to love himself just as he is. Austin I want you to know your dad and I have a love like no other and none I've ever known. Due to that we created you in absolute love, consciously and with great hopes that you would come into our lives. He is a kind, caring. loving, patient, ridiculously talented man who you are lucky and blessed to call dad, sweet angel. Mommy did good but then again mommy would be a fool to not acknowledge the help of a man from the next lifetime who couldn't care for me in this lifetime so he crossed my path with your dad and gifted me you. I followed the signs, I bore fruit and now the McGehee's will face a lifetime of Bravery with a young man whose love we can not wait to see grow. And by all means dance, dear boy, dance! Life is beautiful music and you are the choreographer of it! Austin we want to see you be brave!!! The choice is always YOURS!! By the way that was AMAZING bravery in the hospital last week. We learned from you what we needed to do. You are already so BRAVE!

Surrendering to the miracle evolving within me.

I wish I could say I have been a very cool, calm and collected pregnant woman putting all my trust in God and the universe for the miracle evolving within me but I can not claim such a thing as one thing I am not is a liar. In all honesty this pregnancy has been hard. It started with the sickness, hyperemesis, which sent me to the ER several times in the first trimester and got out of control from there. Trusting the process became my constant challenge because after all this was one process that needed very little of my assistance. More God and less Adri but I wanted it to be more Adri as it would allow me to ensure my son's health and well being. So my mind would trick me into believing something so far from the truth. It's almost as if I turned to God and said "I see all you created around me. AMAZING! But I got this one." HA! Thank God for its unconditional love! I seriously do not know how I did not drive everyone from Travis to Ginny to my family nuts with my constant doubt and worry. But let's face it you and I are here because this process sometimes referred to as a bun in the oven in simple terms, has been taking place without my assistance since the beginning of time and it wasn't until I truly accepted that, that change began to take place within me. I wish I could say I have so enjoyed this pregnancy but between my ER stays and my constant worry that anything I eat or do can harm Austin I have unconsciously made this experience not enjoyable. It wasn't until I truly surrendered to the life evolving within me, about a month ago, that joy began to seep in. It was about the same time that I took my doctor's advise and stopped obsessing over the information all the prenatal and parenting sites offer. It's like she told me, "You can do this without me. I am just here to make sure that if we run into a problem I can help." Like she has already done so with the hyperemesis, all the side effects the medicine produces and most of all how she has helped simply by listening to this neurotic first time mom. Once I let her words sink in I began to truly surrender. It also happened to be around the time when Austin began to grow and his body pressed against me more allowing me the privilege of feeling his development within me. This was followed by the realization that this tiny blinking light I saw at six weeks had become a full blown being. A being that yes of course I had something to do with, conception, but a being who while mom was unable to keep even water down, thrived. A being who now allows me the privilege of playing with him often and especially in the morning. Mommy and Austin time consists of me playing music and him kicking, moving perhaps even dancing to let me know he is in tune with me. That is a privileged moment my escape, okay almost escape of my neurotic first time mom syndrome, has gifted me. Surrendering to God and the universe and allowing them control has gifted me my joy back. Not that they weren't in control all along, it's just that it took my mind a while to adjust to the biggest miracle of all, existence within me and accept I am not in charge I only house him till its time for him to join us. Words truly can't do justice to what I feel when I tell him I love him and he responds or when I press my tummy twice and he responds twice. Wish I could say he kicks twice, but based on his sonogram positions he could be butt bunting me twice. It truly is an honor to and a privilege to be Austin's home till he arrives on our current home, planet Earth. It hasn't been easy but it has been a great teacher. One constantly reminding me through the words of others and the signs that we are in this together. That he loves me as much as I love him and that we are blessed to be creating this family and bond with Travis. His father and my love, a bird whose wings have rescued me. A rescue that is a continuation of one that began a few years back when all seemed lost and dark. One that took a lot of healers and one particular song to light the path so I could endure the detour and get to my boys. I am in awe and in debted to many and eternally grateful that the once difficult breath I took which was due to sadness and pain is now replaced by a difficult breath I take due to the weight of the miracle evolving within me. Once upon a time I reached for the phone, I reached for my friends and because I did I was rescued by my destiny. "All I have SEEN teaches me to trust the creator for all I HAVE NOT seen!" RW Emerson I can not wait to look into your eyes sweet boy and like I tell you all the time, MOMMY LOVES YOU but until then I see you, I know you, I love you because I AM YOU!