Seeking rewards without taking a risk.

I find myself in a lot of situations these days that bring with them the lesson that society has perhaps taught us that things should be easy and handed to us and that if there is any sort of struggle then we should just give up and walk away and call it not meant to be. While sometimes that can be true and there will be obvious signs that will demonstrate that sometimes detours are there to lead you to a more extraordinary journey than the one you envision. Roadblocks to me are God's way of showing itself. Accepting them gives me the ability to know what to do with them, which comes from paying attention to my life and the lesson is has brought repeatedly. Roadblocks just happen to be the way I co-create my life with what I believe is my creator and meet my destiny. A creator I have no problem calling God simply because it's a God of my understanding not anyone else's idea of God or what we've been sold to believe God is. No punishing God for me. God is what is with me when life happens on its terms and it happens everyday of every year and some years, like this one for me, more than others.

I know that the media is constantly reminding us these days what terrible times these are so much so that I have had to make a conscious decision to not watch the news. Yes I agree these are definitely interesting times like I have never seen in my thirty three years of existence but I will hold onto my belief quite firmly that everything happens as it should. There are no accidents. There are plenty of times along the way I have wished that wasn't the case but in time have come to understand that for me there is a plan taking place in my life. That plan aka destiny aka my calling will not unfold unless I consciously choose to risk and plant seeds in the winter in the middle of the snow in Denver. Yes it sounds ludicrous but I believe in miracles and following my heart and that means that sometimes my heart asks such request of me. Have no doubt when I am initially given the direction I must head to next and it sounds as crazy as planting seeds in the middle of the snow in Denver I think to myself "Seriously, wow this just keeps getting more interesting" but I do it because I have trust in what is to follow.

This past year has asked A LOT of me. Perhaps more than any other year or at least it seems like it. I've seen the man I thought I would marry wed someone else, I've seen my production company grow smaller than it was which seems almost impossible, I lost tremendously on some gambles and finally was dealt with another blow of this already tumultuous year, seeing Neil leave this planet. As if everything hadn't already been a lot. However this was also the year I continued to help raise Zoey, got a humongous crush on someone just so my heart could show me it was still possible, raised awareness of the global water crisis, continued to watch my commercial for such a cause take home awards including one in Shanghai, chose to volunteer six months as a UNICEF Tap Project coordinator in order to produce their fundraiser, moved forward with my dreams in spite of what I see before me and accomplished what I long for the most, growth in my beliefs and faith.

I've been here before. A place where life has shown you how precious and delicate it is that you find yourself realizing yet again it can end in an instant. So the questions have been pouring in. Am I doing what I truly believe to be my calling? Yes. Do I show love as best as I can everyday? Yes. Do I trust in the wisdom of the universe? Yes, while it's been tested severely this year the answer is still yes. Do I believe there is a plan ordained by something far more magical and powerful than I can understand and may never truly comprehend in this existence I chose to call God? Yes, while it's also been severely tested the answer is still yes. Do I believe I am doing everything I can to create my own family and live in unconditional love? Yes, everyday as best as I can. So what does this all mean to me? That I can't sit here and spill my thoughts out to whoever is meant to read this and not be genuinely me. That means I have to admit my truth. I am struggling but I will see the light again and I will shine brightly once again when the lesson has made its way through. I can not ask this to go away or run from it and trust me the thought of throwing my clothes, awards, and pictures in boxes and selling everything else and then just driving away from all this pain has crossed my mind more than once. It is then that I know I must do what is the toughest thing for me right now BE STILL AND BE IN THE DISCOMFORT OF FEAR AND SADNESS because that is the only way I will make my way THROUGH IT AND INTO ACCEPTANCE OF MY REALITY, which will allow the fog to lift and the light to shine again. So I will risk everyday not feeling well so that I can eventually be my GENUINE happy soul/self again.

In the midst of all this darkness I have not lost the feeling that God is with me at all times and it's what helps me make it through these times. I know that the light of God, Neil, my grandfather, my first therapist, and others is a shield of bright light that surrounds me and while these days the shield is cracking and darkness creeps in taking advantage of my fragile vulnerability I TRUST WITH EVERY OUNCE OF MY HEART AND SOUL that I am exactly where I am supposed to be learning and growing and preparing for what is yet to come. I am stronger at the end of each day and at the end of each lesson not because I am different and have been blessed to be that way but because I CHOOSE to be that way. I choose love and anything else that allows the light in me to shine. A friend of Neil's told me that the best she could do in his honor was be IN love like he was. The best I can do in his honor is LIVE! I know he's helping me through all this. Yes I do believe he is an angel now, maybe not with wings etc. or maybe so- who knows, but what I don't doubt is that if all of us who miss him are getting through this it's because he is guiding us. He knows I want my light to shine again so I believe he is part of what reminds me everyday that it's okay to be where I am and that eventually I will shine brighter than ever when I've made my way through the feelings.

As I make my way through these feelings I choose to be faith in action by taking action and moving forward in this constantly changing life and production of mine. I can not ask people to be willing to RISK to see REWARDS like life has shown me repeatedly is the case but what I can do is make sure all the dead weight on the ship I am steering through unknown stormy waters is off my ship, which lightens the load and allows me to make my way to the brightly lit shores sooner. That light will come soon too and everything will come together even as everything continues to constantly change. I trust that the changes, which seem to be taking place weekly these days and make my work load heavier are also as they should be and leading me exactly to where I should be while gifting me with countless teachers of lessons God and the universe know I need. So I will continue to take one of the biggest risks ever, believing that something is out there and it's guiding me, and have no doubt the rewards will arrive on time if I continue to risk. Another choice I make.

I believe that seeking rewards without taking a risk is like asking a plant to grow without planting a seed and watering it. I've witnessed a lot of people this year want such a thing. All I can do is continue to lead by example and be me which means be in this beautiful mess of a life that has chosen me, all of us for that matter, and which I have chosen back. My bottom line is best expressed in these words spoken by Diana Nyad, "I am willing to put myself through anything; temporary pain or discomfort means nothing to me as long as I can see that the experience will take me to a new level. I am interested in the unknown, and the only path to the unknown is through breaking barriers, an often-painful process."

All that means in simple terms is I choose to LIVE. May you choose LIFE and allow it to choose you and most of all like me I hope that no matter what your eyes see or your heart feels I pray that you trust that when the time is right your LIGHT will shine! I have faith that when you are ready and the universe asks you to RISK you will and you will reap the REWARDS you deserve in order to SHINE, SHINE, SHINE how only you can!!! May you have the courage to let us all see the gift only you can give us! Let us see your destiny! THIS IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL THIS IS YOUR LIFE!

This blog is dedicated to my friend Paul Rodriguez. Life has given us the gift of coming full circle and this has allowed him to be a friend to me when I needed him most. He knows what he's done and why he deserves this dedication. He too is helping my light shine again.;-)